posted February 22, 2014 04:26 PM              

quote:

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Originally posted by tgem:
Sometimes I actively wish he could just leave my mind so I could live my life.

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posted February 22, 2014 04:26 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by tgem:
Wow, wow....yes, I feel our relationship was the exact same way! I was the one to tell him I loved him first and I know he feels the same, but won't/can't say it due to so much pain? He did the same thing to me, sarcastic, pushing my limits, pressing bounderies and anyone with a drop of self esteem would have stepped back. And I did. But I also came forward and told him that even though he hurt me, I thought he was the most wonderful person that I ever met and I love him still and he has truly carved a place in my heart. I guess that can really scare a guy if they don't believe anyone could love them that much...well I do...no matter what..even for his faults because really they are a mirror of mine so how can I not. Unconditional love, that's what it is...I know that now..

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I just saw this. So maybe that's in part why. Heh. We're on a similar path, one that involves learning to express unconditional love. Because I certainly agree with so many of your sentiments. And, oh, do I know the pain.

posted February 22, 2014 04:28 PM              

quote:

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Originally posted by micole maree:
And he romanced her and married her about a year and a half later. The entire time he was courting this woman, I was still being awakened by his strong emotions. I would awaken knowing he was making love to her. (PAIN in the heart chakra.)

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Ouch, that is so harsh.

posted February 22, 2014 04:29 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Ceridwen:
You can live your life with him on your mind.
Maybe that`s possible.

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VERY hard, but doable. I knew our set would become battlefield, though. That's different.

But I do. And I've become okay with it.

posted February 22, 2014 04:43 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by IndigoDirae:
Hang in there, ... sister? :blink: Huh. Well, okay, then. I wasn't expecting that. Not that I completely reject the notion, either, it's just ... I was typing 'tgem', as I usually do, but that's what I heard myself saying / typing. Hang in there, sister.

So ... I typed it anyway. I can't tell you beyond that! Heh.

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posted February 22, 2014 04:45 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by tgem:
Yeah, well whatever "this" is I'm not so sure I should have signed up for it....way too painful. Please please universe...no more pain! 😕

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(Huh. I finally saw how you all were getting these quoted bits in there!)

tgem, yeah, I'm with you. It would be nice to lose the pain part of this deal.

posted February 22, 2014 04:50 PM              

quote:

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Originally posted by tgem:
The biggest problem I have is the waiting....waiting for him to contact me or for us to see eachother. The waiting is really quite painful. Mainly because one, I wrote a letter to him expressing my thoughts and feelings in which I never got a response, but I've been told multiple times that we are supposed to reunite...and that it was SUPPOSED to happen this month. I've tried to get him out of my mind...but I can't...LITERALLy cannot. Some people would call it obsession. I don't know...I've been in love before, had crushes before...but this is ....different...so different. Mainly because I know deep in my heart and soul that he is significant to my life...I just know it..no matter what other people have told me. He just had his 2nd nodal return...as in 5 days ago, and my name asteroid is right smack dab on top of it in his natal. I've been told he thinks of me, but is waiting...WAITING for what??!!! That's what I want to know?? He knows the relationship is significant and I've been told he knows that if we reunite, it will not be a casual relationship. I do not believe, however, he knows the true significance of the relationship, spiritually wise like I do. I've tried to focus on my own life..as you know, I'm still technically going through the divorce...and I've become independent, forgiving, accepting of so many things, along with huge strides of compassion and compromise. But yet I still wait...and wait.. and wait. I know that I'm probably not supposed to think of him all the time..but I think it's truly impossible. He's just there...always. I see his smile and those eyes ugh..the eyes get me every time. I know they say it's all in the divine timing..you can't control it no matter what you try to do. So I ask myself, "what is it that I need to be working on within myself to make this happen?" And I do, I constantly try to work on myself. So then it makes me wonder, is he the one that's not ready yet or is it really me that's having all the issues.

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I just wanted to reply to this before I left.

Tgem, I totally know how are feeling here.
I've been waiting for sooo long as well, with longing and a need to connect...
But nothing really came out of it until I took initiative.
And now, like Ceri said, that compulsion is gone. It doesn't feel so obsessive anymore.
I just feel... Happy, whole and content you know?
And no, its not like all my feelings are gone either, its more like they have become strengthened and more grounded. Everything is unfolding the way it should...

I guess what I'm trying to say is that he is right there in front you, and you don't need to wait for anything.
You have already been granted with such a beautiful gift! 😊
You have already connected and you know who he is, which is a huge blessing in itself
Higherself established your connection to one another knowing that you two are ready.
And now its your job to work on your fears and overcome them.
Those fears that you hold are really only a creation of your mind.
If you choose, you can let them go and move on into a more happier and lighter state.
And that happens once you face your fears.
Instead of waiting, why not contact him yourself? Who knows, he just could have been waiting for that!! 😉

You can channel your feelings through creativity too, or anything else that makes you happy.
Thats what I do. It helps me a lot.

Anyways I really wish you can find some relief and better, tgem.
Remember that everything happens for a reason, and the reason for your fears could be that nudge in the direction to overcome them!

posted February 22, 2014 04:53 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Ceridwen:
Ouch, that is so harsh.

I can understand your pain. And I can understand why you askd for what you did. But it is also good that you want o open up again. Yes, there is a reason for it. I am sure of it.

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posted February 22, 2014 04:57 PM              

quote:

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Originally posted by micole maree:
And he romanced her and married her about a year and a half later. The entire time he was courting this woman, I was still being awakened by his strong emotions. I would awaken knowing he was making love to her. (PAIN in the heart chakra.)

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Ouch, that is so harsh.

posted February 22, 2014 04:58 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Lavender CrystalSwan:
Yup!
They are very significant.

The moment I became aware of him, our name asteroids were exactly conjunct and so were our nickname asteroids lol

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Summerlite and Lavender,

You're both fortunate to have birth times. I'm still guessing on that one. Given the strong link between us, I've been trying charts with conjunct angles. I've also "heard" that he has a really hard time not having a partner, which to me indicates possibly a Libra ascendant. (Input please?) So I'm guessing and that affects some of these things such as Vertex, angles, ASC/DSC, exact placement of his Moon, and some of these asteroids.

However, given some of my best guesses, yes, there is some very interesting activity with both his and my name asteroids. One of the most interesting was this: for asteroids, I used both his and my first names and a last name that is very similar to his. His two names showed up very close together in my chart, nearly conjunct (by asteroid orb standards). His Vesta was nearly exactly between this wide conjunction of his names in my chart. Interesting...

In another best-guess chart, his Kaali is exactly conjunct my name asteroid. (Exactly opposed my Jupiter in Scorpio; not really sure how to interpret that one.)

This one is the one that I think is key in our connection. My Vertex conjunct Saturn is conjunct his SN; my anti-vertex (conjunct his NN of course) is widely conjunct his Venus. I believe it was Vertex activity that "awakened" me. But I sure wish I had a birth time so that I could KNOW this stuff!

We have a DW Saturn-Venus opposition. DW Moon-Mars aspects. Venus-Uranus conjunction. Nodes are square. My Venus-Pluto-POF conjunction sextile his Venus.

Argh. I wish I could just ask him for that dang birth time....

posted February 22, 2014 04:59 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Ceridwen:
You can live your life with him on your mind.
Maybe that`s possible.

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posted February 22, 2014 05:07 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by micole maree:
Summerlite and Lavender,

You're both fortunate to have birth times. I'm still guessing on that one. Given the strong link between us, I've been trying charts with conjunct angles. I've also "heard" that he has a really hard time not having a partner, which to me indicates possibly a Libra ascendant. (Input please?) So I'm guessing and that affects some of these things such as Vertex, angles, ASC/DSC, exact placement of his Moon, and some of these asteroids.

However, given some of my best guesses, yes, there is some very interesting activity with both his and my name asteroids. One of the most interesting was this: for asteroids, I used both his and my first names and a last name that is very similar to his. His two names showed up very close together in my chart, nearly conjunct (by asteroid orb standards). His Vesta was nearly exactly between this wide conjunction of his names in my chart. Interesting...

In another best-guess chart, his Kaali is exactly conjunct my name asteroid. (Exactly opposed my Jupiter in Scorpio; not really sure how to interpret that one.)

This one is the one that I think is key in our connection. My Vertex conjunct Saturn is conjunct his SN; my anti-vertex (conjunct his NN of course) is widely conjunct his Venus. I believe it was Vertex activity that "awakened" me. But I sure wish I had a birth time so that I could KNOW this stuff!

We have a DW Saturn-Venus opposition. DW Moon-Mars aspects. Venus-Uranus conjunction. Nodes are square. My Venus-Pluto-POF conjunction sextile his Venus.

Argh. I wish I could just ask him for that dang birth time....

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posted February 22, 2014 05:08 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by IndigoDirae:
Michelle,

I'm so sorry to hear about the current state of things for you. (God, it makes me wonder just to what extent he was enduring so much.)

I can echo completely your petitioning the Universe, so to speak. It became a scene I wrote, actually, (as he and I met in order to write a story). I was trying to deal with the most incredible pain of his sudden rejection and denial of ever having felt anything at all. After years, refusing to be accountable for the fact he'd had to stay so consistent and make it SO clear what he wanted, that despite my life going as it had, I STILL wanted our relationship to meet its potential; to fulfill some destiny we both wanted.

Anyway.

That day, 10 January 2013, lives in infamy. Infamy. I was in mourning. I was crying for days, straight, and then weeks sporadically. It didn't begin to subside until 20 March; three years after the day we technically met face to face. A soulmate with whom I had something very much outstanding, and a project that originally was developed first, made a very clear statement that he wanted to try again.

I'd realised that, due to my burying my feelings for Fate, that I also had done the same with him. I wanted to clear them and deal with them. Nothing unresolved and outstanding.

That's when I wrote him how I loved him, and that's why things were so volatile. (My mother called it 'maybe the best letter of its kind', heh, for the way it was so well composed and genuine.) Of course, I'd later admit I still loved him, and still do - and always will.

I shelved our project, and pled with the Universe to free me, as I'd had Fiona beg in order to be liberated from Lane. In the story, they only THOUGHT it was broken. But it's later revealed that no one has control over that.

You're stuck with it. You do the best you can.

I knew that, after I'd been with the soulmate, when I laughed and caught myself in the mirror, that as I'd a fleeting thought that maybe I was wrong, maybe THIS is right - I knew when I saw his smile. His expression. His eyes. HE was ... THERE ... in MY reflection! I don't know how else to describe it.

But I just signed, and smiled, and cried, and thought: well, damn. And here I thought I'd gotten out of that one.

No.

He'd mysteriously stop calling - almost as if to grant me a strange tacit wish of, letting me fall in love with this man the way I was meant to? To be liberated just long enough to allow this connexion to run its course and be what it should be? Learn what we're meant to?

I'd heard a song playing which (not that one - the one that haunted me before and made me realise I DID love him - Delerium's 'Innocente') almost seemed as if he was saying 'I'm still here; just letting you do what you need to.'

Oh, such madness. But oh, how I cried.

I remember afterward, as I meditated, prayed, during the song, I then said, 'thank you,' and 'I love you.'

I said it aloud. My husband, who had been asleep, far as I could tell, said, 'he knows.'

And I thought: what? Did he mean 'I know'? But he wouldn't say that. He says it back. So I asked him, just in case he was awake. Just to repeat what he'd said. He was out.

It lasted 2 weeks. They seemed long. Nothing I'd said or done had made him distance - he just had. One day, going into 3 weeks, I'd said in my head that this was BS. He didn't need to go away. I miss him! I miss my best friend! This is silly.

He called that day, but I missed it. He left a voicemail instead, as usual saying, 'I just realised it's been almost 3 weeks since I talked to you. This is BS. I mean, it's not intentional, it just happened. But that's long enough.'

I was pretty floored.

Has it changed the way I feel about my 'new' relationship? Sometimes. But my feelings for Fate never go away. Never fade. They just settle more peacefully at times.

But, like you, I shut my heart down. Completely. My soulmate has helped that, which in turn has helped my husband, too. But now he seems more inclined towards my relationship with Fate, rather than my soulmate - but that's for another day.

Telling him I love him, sticking with it, has been crucial for me. It's kept my heart open. I was miserable otherwise. I was the same shut off, emotional void I'd been before him. It made no sense to revert to it after.

These ... things are hard. But losing yourself, shutting down your heart, isn't the way to go. You seem to be reaching that point now. Hang in there. Trust me. I do know.

---

Bless you, Indigo, for these words. I teared up near the end. Because you GET IT.

The difference between you and I is that you have an actual relationship with Fate. I don't have that. I have a whole series of events that are off the believable scale involving this one man. He is aware of some of those events because he was THERE. I've talked to him in the most casual way because of his connection to my ex. (Another "Are you KIDDING me????" to the Universe. Did destiny HAVE to throw in an awkward connection to my ex, who was my husband when this all started? Brother.)

And I'm pretty reserved, like Ceri, right? (Some of the stories have interwoven in my memory, so please forgive if I get confused.)

It sounds like Lavender too has a distance connection unless I missed or forgot something. Gabby, was it you that ran into your twin flame when he was a neighbor in a small town? Or tgem? Or someone else? You too, like Indigo, have personal interaction, more personal contact than I did.

I don't know if that makes it easier or more difficult, but it's different. Personally, it makes me feel nutty. And I do wonder about the whole unrequited love thing. (Are there aspects for that?)

All over the place again...

posted February 22, 2014 05:18 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by tgem:
Ugh...the WORST!!! I can feel your pain. Ya know I wonder if I have felt the same thing at times? He's still married, as I mentioned earlier in the thread. Yeah, I totally hear you..I really really do.

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Ceri (your quote didn't show up here) and tgem, thank you for the compassion. And hugs back to you.

posted February 22, 2014 05:26 PM              

Hypagnogia - yes.

I have been there before, many many times in my life, that step between dreaming and fully awake, for some reason I accessed it so easily, from childhood on, just like going into meditation and letting those scenes unfold behind closed eyes, has always felt so easy, so natural. I never realized that others are often actively working on it, to me it was sometimes more natural than being fully awake. Which is a problem, too. I have always been soaring somewhere, which might explain the bouts of dizziness I have had from childhood on, like my spirit was trying to leave my body, or was not anchored enough.

Curiously he is so earthy, from the first look he just felt so "real" to me, when nothing in this world ever seemed real.
And it somehow affected me, I have become so centred and grounded, no bouts of dizziness anymore, no feeling (well almost not, unless I run in circles in my mind too much) disoriented or ungrounded.

In fact so often now I feel like I can sense the earth beyond my feet, vibrating through my being. Fascinating, but new feeling.

Maybe it is described by his Mars-Jupiter in Virgo opposing my Jupiter in Pisces. Jupiter dispositing both Stellia in our chart.
On a sub-level I am water, he is earth.

But hypagnogic states yes, in fact this REALLY started out a bit more than a year ago, I would "meet" him there. Almost every night, or actually every morning before waking up.
we would be talking, usually short talks. I brushed it off as fantasy, weird, realistic dreams of mine.

But I am slowly running out of explanations. For eveytime I "dreamed" we talked, and I was pointing out something that for some reason was bothering me, the next time he would appear on a video or in real life, the very thing that bothered me was gone.

So many things I"dreamed up" these mornings turned out to be true.

I remember one of the first talks in that weird state (I suppose yes I was just dreaming), almost a year ago, he was asking me: "Why me? how did I manage to touch you?"

And though I did not understand why I said that what I said, but it was deeply felt and it meant a lot for some reason, I replied: "Because you are my hero. You`re my knight."

Strange thing to say, hu? lol

Anyway, of course I had NO clue at that point that within a year he would play a musketeer AND King Artus on stage. lol

So I guess I was right about that knight-thing.

It has gotten to the point that if I do not wake up in the hypagnogic I am disappointed. lol
I still doubt its truth, but it is also intriguing to see that whenever I tell him in that state of mind that I miss him and that I need to hear something from him, just to know he is still out there (of course I know), and I get up and I find that pretty much only minutes after me uttering this wish, he would post something on his facebook, even after weeks of silence.
It did nto happen once, it pretty much happens everytime. lol

Maybe it is just one big freaky coincidence though, but if it is, it is a nice gesture of the universe. lol

As for taking the initiative, yes I had to. It is difficult for me. But after all he is the actor, I am the audience. he certainly is not meant to approach his audience (well he did so one time, but this was in the safe surroundings of his show ).

Also I am the Sun in our Sun-Moon-conjunction, whcih as a matter of fact is his Sun/Moon/MC conjunct my Sun/Mercury on the GC.

But that last encounter?
Yes, I had to follow him out there, indicate that I wanted to say something to him (especially after having been so mute and seemingly ignorant for the last years. I mean the man was practically pacing up and down beside me, while i was queuing fro the toilet, and I managed to pretend to not pay all that much attention. lol)

But anyway, on that evening then he had by then been talking to another person (I think from some media), and I was standing in a distance, just slowly buttoning up my jacket, and actually I was stealing only a little time to make up my mind, bcause by then I wasn`t that certain anymore, and the exit, the door looked REALLY tempting, to just sneak uot there and disappear.

It was probably 50:50 at that time, and I honestly don`t know what I would have done, maybe simply left after all, if, well, I had just finished buttoning up my jacket, when he was suddenly standing in front of me. I did not even realize he had ended his talk so quickly and moved over to me. And in fact he was standing such that he sort of blocked the exit. LOL

Yeah, as I said, he made it quite easy.

posted February 22, 2014 05:31 PM              

quote:

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Originally posted by tgem:
Thank you Gabby

I just had a thought- totally random- left field. It is said Jesus and Mary Magdalene were twinflames. If that's true, I cannot even fathom the pain she must have felt watching Jesus go through what he did..crucifixion and all. I was raised a Christian, although my spirituality has widened now beyond the scope of Christianity. Still- wow...it's really mindblowing when I think about it. Maybe it's the Easter holiday coming in a couple of months.

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It`s funny you mention this.
The first musical I saw him in, on the very night we would meet later on, was "Jesus Christ Superstar".
he played Jesus, and seeing him crucified, no not going to go there in my memory.

posted February 22, 2014 05:34 PM              

Who knows? Maybe we were. lol

posted February 22, 2014 05:37 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Ceridwen:
IQ once concluded that we both were Essenes and may have been taught by Jesus himself or one of his apostles.

Who knows? Maybe we were. lol

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posted February 22, 2014 05:47 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Ceridwen:

I have been pondering for DAYS now if I should bring this book up. lol

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posted February 22, 2014 05:57 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Lavender CrystalSwan:

You have already been granted with such a beautiful gift! 😊
You have already connected and you know who he is, which is a huge blessing in itself
Higherself established your connection to one another knowing that you two are ready.

Remember that everything happens for a reason

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Lavender, these words so speak to me. I edited out the others because I'm not in a position to contact him. He's married. He's doing his life. He hasn't "recognized" me. (Or if he has figured out that something really different is going on, he's just too freaked out by all of it to be able to see ME.)

But I love your words about the work of Higher Self. That rings true. And I've always, always both loved AND said the words "Everything happens for a reason".

In my case, his arrival literally awakened me. Dreams. Brought me right out of a state of despair so deep, I was nearly unrecoverable. (There's a reference to this happening in "Journey of Souls"; of the soulmate coming to the partner in dreams.) The awakening enabled me to get healthy enough to leave an abusive relationship, to shed some weight, to start embracing joy again. And set me firmly on a spiritual path.

The spiritual path appears to be integral to the reunion of twin flames. I didn't set out on this path FOR the reunion. It was simply the natural next step for me. But I'm WELL AWARE that doing what I'm doing opens the possibility for my twin flame's own awakening.

Who knows? Another mystery unfolds... But I'm holding onto everything happening for a reason!