posted August 08, 2016 09:26 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Lucia23:
@llewsasc, @mereiposa, what helped you get strong enough to detach emotionally from your exes?

For me I think an important first step would be just getting to a point of acceptance---and I'm not at that point. The mental health issues slow it down even further.

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I didn't. I still care about him as a person. Always will. We just didn't make life better for the other by being together in the same house raising our children. I am giving more to them now than I could have in the old situation.

Am I poorer? Yes. Can I give them all the material things they desire? No. Can I give them every bit of me that will help them grow into wonderful people? Yes. I can. Now that I have myself back I can do that.

posted August 09, 2016 08:51 AM            

I was studying your synastry and this came to me. Stick Kaali in there. That is you deep, body energy.

I can give you my list of the asteroid numbers if you need it.

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posted August 09, 2016 09:14 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Lucia23:
I was so image-conscious pre-baby....it was just that being laid-back and "real" and not image conscious was part of my glowy, well-rested image. And so having this little person attached to my image who is NOT cooperating with how I want to act and seem and be seen, and who is just as smart as I am and just as strong-willed and a lot less exhausted has been one of the hugest areas of adjustment. I hope at least that part will be good for me.

But re: mothering, I can't believe so many people have done it!!!!!! It feels like this act of rare difficulty that only three or four people in history would be able to do, like developing the polio vaccine or something.

Although I think for most people, the area their Saturn is in feels hard.

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Hilarious I loved this whole comment.

Yeah motherhood takes a lot out of you.

posted August 09, 2016 09:29 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Lucia23:
I think emotional injuries are just as serious as physical ones, and strongly disagree with that whole "no one can ''make' you feel something unless you give them that power" kind of thinking.

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Well but other people do develop and utilize this power to decide their reactions.

Other people can do it, and it's tremendously helpful.

So it's natural for us to assume you can, too.

My Leo friend actually recently did something remarkable, where a person did something that hurt her feelings and even her income substantially. And she chose to not dwell on it, but replaced that with thoughts along the lines of, "I'm way stronger than this and will now do even more to prove it."

Maybe she didn't believe that at first, but she was sincere in wanting to convince herself of it, and looking at all her previous achievements, she was able to remember what she was made of, and she could get back on her feet and be sunny again, because that was simply her choice.

She decided, "You're not going to get me down" and monitored her thoughts to keep them clear. That clears the body's emotional energy field in turn. Once the pain clears out even for a few moments you see how you have control over it.

Pain can be addictive and Buddhists commonly remark on how people choose to suffer. Heck it even says that in the Declaration of Independence:

....and accordingly all experience hath shown that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed.

posted August 09, 2016 09:35 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by llewsacm:
Yeah, but you can have power. Not what you want, or having him change his ways. Ok. If you had what you wanted, what would change for you? If you were together raising her, what would you have? Not what would your daughter have.

Try and think about it this way, lets say your daughter is not involved. If it were just the two of you, your ex and you. If you were together, what would it bring to your life? Would it be better? Would you feel good about yourself?

You are asking for help with a situation that you see as impossible. One where you are making countless sacrifices. We do sacrifice as parents, yes. But when you start sacrificing your integrity and your self worth, that isn't really what you need to give her or yourself. You are stuck my dear woman. Yes, the synastry shows strong ties to him. But unhealthy as you know already. Your head may be clouded with how others perceive you as a mother, how you see yourself as one, etc. Look into yourself when you meditate and focus on what you need vs. Want. It is not easy!

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^ This

And we don't mean to sound pushy

posted August 09, 2016 10:13 AM            

Some people give advice and then they start getting "borderline nasty".

If you feel this, just ignore.

When they have issues, the last advice they want is what they give lol

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posted August 09, 2016 10:14 AM            

Stick it on the Comps and the other charts and we will see xoxo

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posted August 09, 2016 10:31 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Ami Anne:
Here is the thing about this place and some people.

Some people give advice and then they start getting "borderline nasty".

If you feel this, just ignore.

When they have issues, the last advice they want is what they give lol

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posted August 09, 2016 11:57 AM            

I wanted the ideal family for my daughters, too. But then I realized, who is setting that ideal? The "ideal" is a healthy mom and dad. Well I can say I am so much healthier because I stood up for myself and did the right thing. It set me on a path that continues to be absolutely where I should be. Looking back at the person I was in my marriage, well she was miserable. A shell of me. Their dad is still not healthy, but at least they have one parent that is.

And my girls are well adjusted. Their view of their life is that this is what it should be. They like to see their parents happy, And I teach them that I would rather see them healthy and happy on their own than unhappy and falling short of their hopes and dreams with the wrong person.

posted August 09, 2016 12:48 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by llewsacm:
I didn't. I still care about him as a person. Always will. We just didn't make life better for the other by being together in the same house raising our children. I am giving more to them now than I could have in the old situation.

Am I poorer? Yes. Can I give them all the material things they desire? No. Can I give them every bit of me that will help them grow into wonderful people? Yes. I can. Now that I have myself back I can do that.

I felt like a failure for giving up on our marriage. I am not. Far from it. I wish you could see me 3 years ago. A hopeless mess. It was a painful journey but so worth it.

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Llews, this is so inspiring--that you can give them every bit of you that will help them grow into wonderful people!!!

I think my daughter hasn't really even met me yet. I feel like I was a powerful, funny, kind, vibrant person and---leaving aside my ex crushing my spirit and whether that's me giving him power or not---my medical complications with her birth (after 40 years of perfect health, so that kind of thing was very new to me), my mother dying, my aunt dying the next month, and just the fact that my natural personality doesn't make me a real baby/toddler person. The things that are wonderful about me don't particularly shine in the domestic arena, to put it politely. I've been a very caring and attentive mother, but also an exhausted, harried, and frazzled one with mental and emotional health troubles.

@Faith. With psychological trauma, situational anxiety or depression, and other similar mental and emotional health problems, monitoring and regulating thoughts and emotions is harder than when you aren't dealing with an injury. That's why I keep equating this to a physical injury, and also why that Surviving Infidelity website has been so comforting to me--because the responses I've had to the shock of someone I loved and trusted turning out to be a LIAR are pretty normal, including my recovery time. But the fact that all this happened in my weak spots (romance and family relationships, 7h Cancer) and was on a pile-up of the top known stressors has made my recovery process slower.

I do hear what you guys are saying about my undue focus on my ex, though, and I have always had that problem--of putting way too much of my focus on a partner or a crush.

So, leaving aside the whole anything involving my ex at all----

The areas where I shine are creative work, scholarship/research, making friends out at night at parties, anything at night actually, counseling and advising (I know, ironic!! But it's true), working with preteens and teens, travel, dream interpretation, being self-employed with discipline, planning adventures, 9th and 10th house Uranus things, and Pisces Jupiter things.

The areas where I am not good enough and not happy are chores, errands, any kind of bureaucratic hassle, day jobs with a typical day job schedule, multitasking, doing any kind of repetitive work or busywork, physical hassles, anything involving being on a morning schedule, being someone else's employee or subordinate.

And then 7th house Cancer Saturn-Moon things are things I'm not good enough at but I do love and value and WANT to be good at--motherhood, marriage, collaboration, even cooking! (I actually love cooking for my little daughter and the food I make is delicious, but I've always been weirdly self-conscious about cooking for other people. My mother was like the world's best cook and my boyfriends have all been great cooks.)

So that said--the parts of me that are happiest and most wonderful would be struggling as the not-independently-wealthy single parent of a toddler even if I weren't so depressed, traumatized and stressed. just finding the time to do enough freelance work to pay rent and bills, and then get enough exercise to not be obese (I do not have the fitness level I had as a single woman doing vinyasa classes 6 days/week), and then work on my book---

I fantasize that it will get easier as my daughter gets older, because the options of things I can do while she and I are together will expand. Like we'll be able to go to the movies together or out for pizza--or hiking without meltdowns---or we could have a playdate without meltdowns. i won't have to be scared that she'll suddenly start screaming or attack the little playmate. Already, she met a little girl in the library who turned out to be another Virgo born three days later, and she told me this was her best friend, and I also love that little girl and her grandmother (at 41, i'm right between the toddler mothers and the grandmothers in age). My daughter's volatility makes it hard--if she bites a random baby in the playspace or something, it's my fault and my problem.

posted August 09, 2016 12:57 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by mereiposa:
Lucia,
I have no romantic attachment to my ex husband. He burned the bridge completely with his actions and his response to my finding out. I care for his well being in the sense that it benefits my daughters, and that he is a human, but that's all.

I wanted the ideal family for my daughters, too. But then I realized, who is setting that ideal? The "ideal" is a healthy mom and dad. Well I can say I am so much healthier because I stood up for myself and did the right thing. It set me on a path that continues to be absolutely where I should be. Looking back at the person I was in my marriage, well she was miserable. A shell of me. Their dad is still not healthy, but at least they have one parent that is.

And my girls are well adjusted. Their view of their life is that this is what it should be. They like to see their parents happy, And I teach them that I would rather see them healthy and happy on their own than unhappy and falling short of their hopes and dreams with the wrong person.

Something better is waiting for you, you just need to let go of this current situation first.

---

I love this--I think I can imagine a new ideal.

The more I imagine it, setting my daughter's dad aside, I think I could imagine being a happy family with my daughter as a single parent if I were very successful in my work and fulfilling that dream.

The main way I always wanted to be NOT like my mother was that she was a very talented artist and although she kept doing her work, well, through her entire life, she was never publically successful at it in terms of it bringing her money or fame. I think if I can become more publically successful with my creative work (i'm a writer), I will be able to show my daughter all the best parts of me.

posted August 09, 2016 01:02 PM            

Read Eckart Tolle please.

Love & luck to you.

posted August 09, 2016 01:03 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Lucia23:
I love this--I think I can imagine a new ideal.

The more I imagine it, setting my daughter's dad aside, I think I could imagine being a happy family with my daughter as a single parent if I were very successful in my work and fulfilling that dream.

The main way I always wanted to be NOT like my mother was that she was a very talented artist and although she kept doing her work, well, through her entire life, she was never publically successful at it in terms of it bringing her money or fame. I think if I can become more publically successful with my creative work (i'm a writer), I will be able to show my daughter all the best parts of me.

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posted August 09, 2016 01:10 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Faith:
I completely sympathize with your hardship and understand it. No judgment from me.

Read Eckart Tolle please.

Love & luck to you.

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Thank you! I don't feel judgement from you--I feel like you're someone I can vent my secret inner thoughts to and you will take them on and respond with something wise. I'm reading "The Power of Now."

posted August 09, 2016 01:42 PM            

Thanks for saying that you feel comfortable talking to me!

And I hope you find something helpful in that book. I read it over and over. Not everyone's cup of tea, but definitely worth a shot.

posted August 09, 2016 02:31 PM            

If you want to stick up the charts with Kaali and the other ones --Nessus and Deja, we can look.

I know there are some other key asteroids, but I can quite grasp which ones.

This is why my charts take a week lol

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posted August 09, 2016 02:44 PM            

With him--the Pluto/Kaali--which is which person?

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posted August 09, 2016 03:34 PM            

he is kind of super glued onto you

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posted August 09, 2016 03:34 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by llewsacm:
Lucia, my heart goes out to you. I think we have some similarities.

I really get annoyed with the daily routine as well. But I try to make the best of it. Sometimes it still gets to me.

I'm a night owl too. And ill tell you something that helped me with my self confidence right before I split with my ex.

I was 30 pounds overweight, always tired, and basically felt like a used up woman with nothing more to live for other than my children.

I started a new thing where I would work out every night in my garage after I put the kids to bed. It sucked at first! Lol. But slowly I started to regain my strength, my self confidence and my energy to keep up with these crazy kids. 😊 it did wonders for me! I lost all my weight and I look better now at 44 than I did in my early 30's.

If someone would have told me I could accomplish everything that I did a while back, I never would have believed them. Never ever. My mental health is more stable and I'm me again! Even better now! Far from perfect but I feel really good now.

I still get anxious and worry. I think that's normal. Baby steps girl. Please let me know if you need any help...i am genuinly rooting for you! ❤

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Thank you! And yay exercise.

posted August 09, 2016 03:47 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Ami Anne:
He gives up his power to you in this aspect,so that is kind of interesting.

he is kind of super glued onto you

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Yeah, the power dynamics between us are complicated. I think he really sees himself as a victim in some ways in relationships (not just with me)---that was another helpful thing on that Surviving Infidelity website--I saw how it's common and part of the pattern for liars and cheaters to blameshift and get all self-pitying and "poor little me." They lie and cheat and then when people are mad at them or upset with them for lying and cheating, they get mad or hurt.