posted September 21, 2007 11:30 PM         

I wish there wouldn't be a default smiley having a smile in the face when I don't want to pick that but I forget to change it.(I am talking about the post before this one)
Little things sometimes bother me.

posted September 22, 2007 01:05 PM         

Well, when we are feeling terribly sad and lost in the darkness it is easy to find "proof" that everything is against us and that it (or they) were all along. Just try to remember that it is just your point of view at this time because you are in a place of low energy sadness. You can raise your head to the sun at any time by focusing on all of the beauty you saw in your brother over his lifetime and any of the blessings you see have come about due to his life (his children, like you said, are one example).
You can turn your focus to positive memories, but also you can begin to look for (and ask the Universe *uni=one verse=song* to help you to understand) the hidden blessings in this turn of events.
I would like to "give" you the Disney movie, "Brother Bear" to watch this weekend. I hope you can rent it. It will make you feel better. I would also like to "give" you a basket with packets of the richest hot chocolates and a pink candle (to heal your precious heart) and some light airy incense.
Spend some time taking care of you and sending you love to your brother. All will be well. This too shall pass.

posted September 24, 2007 01:38 PM         

ps: i'll also give those references to sinderlou who's coping with her brother's illness.

posted September 24, 2007 06:54 PM         

I agree with a lot of what 'Zala had to say.

I've heard the words "I don't understand why...," and I think its worth reflecting on a couple of points made here, both of which are correct; first, that you do not understand, and second, that there is a reason why.

When we know that we do not know, - when we know that we do not understand a thing, - this knowledge ought to prevent us from making judgements. How can we judge what we admittedly do not understand?

When we recognize that there is a reason "why" a thing happened, again, we ought to forestall judgement, as it is this (unknown) reason "why" which must explain the occurence, and, if a thing is sufficently explained and accounted for, it is understood, so, how can it be judged? Judgement is the antithesis of understanding.

So, in the case of not understanding, we must not judge, because we do not understand. And, in the case of understanding, we must not judge, because we do understand. In either case, judging proves to be irrational.

For my part, I do not understand how people manage to live healthy lives. "Weakness", for lack of a better word, never surprises me, only strength. Human frailty is more evident to me than anything. That our senses are limited in their power to perceive... that our minds are unclear and make errors in analyzing the input of the senses... that our hearts break to behold the ferocious gravity of our condition, and the conditions of our fellows; all these things make perfect sense to me. But, that people may be frequently unconscious of these things, or, that, being conscious of them, may still manage to overcome them, and that, in rare instances, the human spirit seems to rise from the very depths of a person's being and empower them to overcome even the starkest horrors, astounds me, and I must confess my own lack of understanding.

When we ask how it is possible that a person cannot manage the day to day business of life, which most people take in stride, or, if not in stride, find healthy means of coping with, we may just as easily ask how it is that these people who do cope do not manage to do even better for themselves. How is it that they do not meditate for several hours every morning? How is it that they do not live exemplary lifes, like Mother Teresa, or Mohandas Gandhi? The answer is the same. It is because they are not made for it. For some people, it is as difficult to handle the daily grind as it is for other people to live in abject poverty, among lepers and orphans, or to lead a political revolution. Though we may know that it is better to be Mother Teresa, or Gandhi, something holds us back. Likewise, though a person may know that it is better to cope with stress, without recourse to vices, something holds them back. We all do what we can.

Now this is not to say that the people who attempt to cope in more unhealthy ways are simply weaker. It may be that they are actually more conscious of certain transcendant states than the average person, and that this makes it far more difficult for them to maintain a focus on the mundane. Perhaps they hear the same calls that a Mother Teresa or a Gandhi hears; perhaps they hold themselves to the same high standard. It may be that they would feel as irresponsible, and as restless with guilt, living an ordinary life, as others would feel living a life of self-destructive drug abuse.

I theorize that the same pressures which turn a potentially great individual into an truly great individual, would turn a fairly average individual into a drug abuser. Some rise to the occassion and transform themselves into angels, and others crumble under the weight of it, and are cast in the roles of victims and devils, but both types are given a tremendous burden to carry which most of us cannot comprehend. So it is that people who become self-destructive may be more like great souls than those of us who always draw between the lines, and are not oppressed by any profound sense of urgency to transcend. This would explain why the outer planets are linked to self-destructive behaviors as well as self-transcendant behaviors, while the activities of daily living, and the moderate ambitions that go along with them, are left to the personal planets.

posted September 24, 2007 07:10 PM         

Also because I know how to pay attentuon to my body I know when enough is enough, I don't even take a pill for a headache, if I am getting a cold I crave oranges, I try to eat as balanced as I can although lately I haven't been exercising; see all these issues I HAVE the power to overcome, i don't need to weed them out of my life al together, I just know when to stop.

Only thing I don't have power over and I don't want to is the love of a good man.

posted September 24, 2007 09:07 PM         

I know this is a difficult time for you, and it wasnt my intention to appear to be accusing you of anything ignoble. Sometimes I just get carried away with whatever principle or philosophical point I am trying to make. I think we all judge each other all the time, so, its not like I am singling anybody out. I do think that it is a form of judgement to conclude that a person freely chose to do something which is hurtful to others. The thing is, NAM, I dont believe in free will at all, so, that may give you an idea of where I am coming from. I know it is not a very popular view now, but I strongly believe it will be in the future.

"I don't understand how he chose not to use his mind power, or will power to prevent himself from getting to the point he got"

You are assuming that he chose not to use his mind and will. But to make a choice requires mental effort, so it is categorically impossible that a person could choose not to think. He may not have come to the conclusions that you or I might come to, but this doesnt mean he didnt think, or try to find a way out of his predicament. We ought to remember that we are talking about a person who was suffering emotional pain, and taking drugs. Both of these cloud a person's judgement and weaken their will to do anything other than seek immediate release.

"I do truly beleive in my heart than anybody can if they want to, but they don't or they run away because they really don't know what they are capable or how to fix their problems,"

I know it is a comfort to think that we can do anything, and that everyone is individually responsible for their own decisions. But if you really think about it, it doesnt make sense. For instance, what you just said here is that a person has the ability to do something even if they believe they can't do it, and/or have no idea how to get it done. But the first thing you need, in order to do anything, is the belief that it is possible, and the second thing you need is the knowledge of how to get it done. In other words, I may theoretically have the ability to dunk a basketball, but, if I do not have faith in myself, how can I even get off the bench? And if I do not know how to do it, I may run away from the basket instead of towards it, or I may jump too late or too soon, or make any number of beginner mistakes in the attempt. Of course, we can all say, like the Wizard to Dorothy, "You had the power all along," but, really, what are the chances that Dorothy could have discovered all by herself that all she had to do was click her ruby slippers three times and say the exact words "there's no place like home"? She didnt really have the power until the Wizard instructed her. She had the potential, but not the ability.

This is how it is with us. This is why we need each other. "No man is an island." We help each other, we encourage each other, and we try to influence each other to make the right choices. And even after we do all that we can, sometimes, it still isnt enough. That's life. But it doesnt mean that we didnt try, or that we could have tried harder, and everything would have worked out if only we had tried harder. It doesnt work that way. We all do our best. Even if we just sit on the couch watching t.v. Maybe that's all we had the ability to do. Even if we have much greater potential, sometimes something is just missing. Not everyone has a motivational speaker inside of them. Some people need help. Some people need a very specific kind of help, and they will refuse everything else. Thats not their fault. It's just how they are hardwired. We say things like, "he's just lazy", or "he's just stubborn," as if these were not real things. But they are. Laziness, and stubborness (or, resistance to change) are serious vices. Moralists and preachers spend lifetimes trying to warn and cure us of these things. They seem like small things only to the people who do not contend with them. So maybe you are not lazy, self-destructive, or resistant to change. But surely you, like all of us, have a vice which, although it may be less obvious or less detrimental, is just as difficult to overcome as these, and which others have far less difficulty with.

It always amazes me when people under-estimate laziness. They imagine that it may be overcome with a simple effort of the will. This is like saying that, when a man's legs are broken, all he needs to do is stand up in order for his legs to be fixed. Or, if there is no oxygen in a room, a person has merely to take a deep breath in order to get oxygen into the lungs. Laziness is an affliction of the will. How can it be cured by an action of the will, if it is precisely that which inclines the will to inaction? Likewise, if a person is on drugs, and their thinking process is thereby corrupted, how are they going to think their way out of their predicament? Again, its like saying that a person who cannot open a door because he is paralyzed from the neck down can use his hands to open a door. The reason he cant use his hands is that he is paralyzed. The reason an addict cant think himself clean is because his mind is corrupted. The reason he cant will himself clean is because his will is corrupted.

So, why do some people get clean while others do not? Several reasons. First, some people hit bottom and are too weak to pursue their addiction. As Nietzsche says, "they call it virtue when their vices grow lazy,". Some people are forced into rehab, forced to stay there, and are lucky enough to be given unimaginable support. For most of us it is impossible to give this much, as we are all obligated to keep our own lives from falling apart as well. Some people are guilt-tripped into getting clean. Some people are loved into getting clean. But it depends on a great many factors. The person must be receptive, either to manipulation by guilt, or to appeals of love. Depending on the person, it may make a difference what sign the Moon is in at the time of the appeal, or if they just saw something that reminded them of their childhood, or any number of (seeming) details. It is all so complicated and beyond our abilty to foresee. Who knows what will work for any given person, at any given time. Is it luck? Is it God? I don't know. But I know that it is not the fault of the person who suffers, is fragile, desperate, uncertain, and scared.

I say it again, this world is overwhelming. It's chaotic, confusing, it spins you around, drops you on your head, and expects you to walk a straight line. We like to think that no person is tested beyond their means, and that, if anyone "fails" a test, it is their own fault. But from what I have seen, this is not the case. We are all in over our heads. And this is why success means so much. This is why it is such a joy, worthy of all appreciation, when we do manage to find some lasting happiness and peace in this world. It is not to be expected; not of life, and not of anyone. It is a gift when it comes. The rest of it... the battles and all the beautiful people we lose along the way, are just par for the course. It is tragic. It is unfair. But it is natural, "the way of all flesh".

I'm very sorry for your loss.

hsc

posted September 24, 2007 09:34 PM         

this past winter he stole a hearse from a funeral parlor, crashing right through the garage door drugged out of his mind. Was a on a police chase with police cars after him on a busy highway going opposite traffic. He drove the vehicle at over 90miles an hour into the back of a salt truck to try to end his life.

He was cut out of the vehicle and life flighted. His legs are so mangled that they say he may never walk again. He is in a wheel chair in prison now and is only 34 years old.

I understand how devastating this drug is.

Again, I am so so so sorry for the loss of your brother.

I felt compelled to write this for you....

A Poem Untitled

God
Take my hand
And lead the way
Show me more
Than I knew
Yesterday
For my days
Were dark
And my
Road was
Rough
Take me lord
I have
Dealt with
So much
I am
Calloused
And
I am
Rough
I am
Weak
When I
Tried to be
tough
Take me lord
I have
Had
Enough

posted September 25, 2007 12:53 AM         

....

You know what? I can't... I am not all knowing, I am not God,and I don't have all the answers; but one thing is for sure I do beleive and I do know I have the power to overcome many situations I have been through in life and if I can do it anybody can,isn't it popular beleive that we had all been created the same?

As far as the word "judging" yes we all form an "opinion" of other people but I think this word is actually used more in a negative sense, as if I am judging someone but only for the negative,That I can assure you I don't do, and it is exactly because of the reasons you mentioned, the not knowing exactly what the other person is going through and the lack of education/knowledge or wisdom that some have.But in the same sense if you do something where you ought to be hold responsible than fair is fair.
Like my brother, he was taught through the years what was good for him and what ways to take , yet he chose his own ways and those have always been questionable.Sometimes I think he lacked common sense, sometimes I think he thought he was indestructible.

But I want to go back to what you are saying here:
"The thing is, NAM, I dont believe in free will at all, so, that may give you an idea of where I am coming from. I know it is not a very popular view now, but I strongly believe it will be in the future."

I am speechless with this statement,so what you are saying is we are like robots and have no say to anything?

To this statement:
"
We ought to remember that we are talking about a person who was suffering emotional pain, and taking drugs. Both of these cloud a person's judgement and weaken their will to do anything other than seek immediate release"
to the statement above I have to agree to a certain degree because i think there are several levels, obviously a person that is taking hard drugs and have not have any type of guidance in life being rehab, support from family friends etc will be harder to fight this problem than someone that has that priviledge, but I still think that there is a point before you start taking the drug and it gets really hard where you can say, "no, I need to go home now"

Statement number 3:
"For instance, what you just said here is that a person has the ability to do something even if they believe they can't do it,"
No, never you must beleive you can do it, I can't even sell a house to anyone of my clients if I don't beleive this si teh right move for them, beleiving is crucial to anything you do in life.My brother had been through rehab and done all this, he should have known better, he actually had passed the time for him to die, or so we all thought, because he was doing a hundred times better now than before he went through rehab.

Yes, no man is an island, and we are all connected ... I totally can grasp that idea, so if this is teh way it is we can all help each other to overcome issues as well and find ourselves...but I am tired, very tired and I can't think right now, yes, I have been through an ocean of emotions and as much as I want to talk about this I just can't do it just yet.

One more thing, it seems my brother was not necesarilly all guilty for his death, it seems there was foul play but I will hold him to this, he had no business hanging out with the people he was hanging out with and in a way and as bad as it sounds he brought this upon himslef without knowing (God I know this sounds horrible, I know! but every action have a consequence and he chose wrong).
If you want to know more go to this link, I wrote there what we know so far about his death.

http://www.linda-goodman.com/ubb/Forum18/HTML/000521.html

posted September 25, 2007 07:39 AM         

I wrote that in just a few minutes after reading your thread about your brother. As I was writing it, i was feeling like those thoughts may have gone through your brothers mind at different points in his life. That maybe people may not understand him. how could they really? Unless we are in his shoes.
Your brother sounds like he was just a great man but had to contend with this awful addiction. It is so powerful and physically and mentally destroys you. It fools you into thinking it is a security for your problems and when you are down, puts you on top of the world only to fall down harder than you were before...he probably kept so much inside and tried harder than any one is aware of to do good in his life. He may have been clean for many years but we can only imagine the turmoil he felt everyday that he may have kept inside. I know people still living and have died from this addiction. They have problems with self esteem, feeling of guilt etc...They don't want to do bad things, its just too powerful for them to truly get a handle on it.

I know I don't know you or your brother personally, but I have dealt with lots of pain of addictions and losses. As I said, I am not usually this bold but I feel like I just had to say something about this.

posted September 25, 2007 08:40 AM         

I hope you find good things to uplift your spirits, even though you have been through so much recently.

I'm not sure what I believe about life, death and the universe. Sometimes I feel aware of many things, other times I feel like I'm not really sure of anything.

I believe that it is all a matter of what we tune ourselves into.

For one reason or another, your brother was not tuned into his inner strength like, for example, you have (or at least more so).
Some people may experience some connection with their inner strength, but if this connection is not nurtured, events from the outside and depression from the inside can snatch it away.

I, for example, feel that the balance lacking in my own life is a certain sense of community which I feel all humans require; it is a need we are made with.

There are places in the world which are poorer in some ways and yet so much richer in others. They have an incredible sense of community.

Until I manage to find this balance in my life (I don't get on with my family or see them much, plus I've not stayed in one place for very long in my adult life.....problems with my boy's father, etc etc)........until I manage to find balance in my life, it seems to be that I will suffer with heartache now and then, from lack of sleep, or when my defenses are low. There will be days, like today, when I will suffer from depression and total loss of self-esteem.

I would like to find the way, as outlined in the Celestine Prophecy....how to stay connected to our infinite source of energy- our true God- rather than rely on human beings for strength- who I can't always expect to be thee for me or to understand what it is I am feeling.......

Sometimes I get so carried away with my desires to build on my own identity, when the real reason I am still here should be to give and to heal; to connect to the true source of light so that I maybe able to reflect it.

But it's so easy to forget.

It was so much easier to pray when I was a child.

I would like to feel that way again.

posted September 25, 2007 07:10 PM         

Could you embrace that?
from St. Thomas Aquinas

I said to God, “Let me love you.”

And he replied, “Which part?”

“All of you, all of you.” I said.

“Dear” God spoke, “You are as a mouse wanting to impregnate

a tiger who is not even in heat. It is a feat way

beyond your courage and strength.

You would run from me

if I removed my

mask.”

I said to God again,

“Beloved I need to love you – every aspect, every pore.”

And this time God said,

“There is a hideous blemish on my body,

though it is such an infinitesimal part of my Being-

could you kiss that if it were revealed?”

“I will try, Lord, I will try.”

And then God said,

“That blemish is all the hatred and

cruelty in this

world.”

We can keep trying to accept that "crap happens" but when it is personal to us it is next to impossible to accept. Just thinking about if it was MY brother starts me through a mini stages of grief. You are so strong to even try to have this conversation with us.
I am so proud of you and your strength of spirit. Any of us can talk all day about how you can "turn you face to the sun" <--- my own philosophical "tommyrot"...

here:

Scene between Ashley and Scarlet in Gone with the Wind:

Scarlet: Yankees want $300.00 dollars more in taxes. What shall we do? Ashley, what’s to become of us?

Ashley: What do you think becomes of people when their civilization breaks up? Those who have brains and courage come through all right. Those that haven’t are winnowed out.

Scarlet: For heaven’s sake, Ashley Wilkes, don’t stand their talking nonsense when it’s us who is being winnowed out!

Ashley: You’re right, Scarlet. Here I am talking tommyrot about civilization while your precious Tara’s in danger. You’ve come to me for help and I’ve no help to give you. Oh Scarlet, I’m a coward!

Scarlet: You, Ashley, a coward? What are you afraid of?

Ashley: Oh, mostly of life becoming too real for me, I suppose. Not that I mind splitting rails. But I do mind very much losing the beauty of that life I loved. If the war
hadn't come I would have spent my life happily buried at 12 Oaks. But the war did come. I saw my boyhood friends blown to bits. I saw men crumpled when I shot them. And now I find myself in a world which for me is worse than death. A world in which there is no place for me.

<Skip Ahead a Bit>

Scarlet: Escape? Oh Ashley, you’re wrong! I do want to escape too. I’m so very tired of it all. I’ve struggled for food and for money. I’ve weeded and hoed and picked cotton 'till I can't stand it another minute! I tell you Ashley, it's as if the South were dead! The Yankees and the Carpetbaggers have got it and there's nothing left for us!

posted September 25, 2007 08:27 PM         

very sad to read about your brother ..
i started to read the thread a while back .. but didn't realise he had passed away ..

~ my condolences ~

posted September 26, 2007 01:06 AM         

You know what? this is something I haven't shared yet -I don't think- but he was loved, he had sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo many friends , so many people liked him, there was never a difference in levels to him, he never discriminated against nobody.
My family was telling me that the day of his funeral even the gas station attendants showed up to say goodbye, and that doesn't surprised me a bit, when we were little anywhere we went he made a friend, it was very common to arrived to the beach and in less than 15 minutes he was gone playing with some kids he just met, I kind of learn that from him throgh the years since I was always more careful of who I would talk to.