posted February 22, 2009 08:54 PM         

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If he's not interested, how could a girl intrigue him or change his mind?

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posted February 22, 2009 10:25 PM           

I mean I just like when things kinda just click and grow from there with a person. I don't like all this planning, dating, rules arrangements, and romance books and steps.

I like things chill and natural and I despise when people try to hook me up or tell me who to date or not to date because I know who I want to chill with and who drives me up wall. Thats why I think this Virgo is a complete mess, it sounds like he's the one whose insecure because I was kinda this way and yes I was insecure with my feelings at that time with the Cap and then I just let it go(might be Venus in Leo) and I was like I want to chill with the Cap and not bring all this mess into our friendship and it's be calm ever since.

posted February 22, 2009 11:00 PM         

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How horribly sad that one person can be attracted and interested enough in another to talk to friends about him/her, dream about him/her, post questions on astrology websites about him/her...while the other is not only not interested, but so deeply indifferent that NOTHING IN THE WORLD could change his/her mind.

As a romance-loving Leo, that sickens me

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posted February 22, 2009 11:08 PM         

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Maybe he considers her a great friend, and that is all.

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Well, clearly not in this case, since he doesn't want to hang out with her, deflects/rejects her invitations, doesn't invite her places, and doesn't call her.

More generally, I think the fact that unrequited attraction is physically possible at all is just sad, one of those heartbreaking, terrible details of human biology (like disease, or the fact that girls can physiologically be impregnated at age 12, or rape, or acne.) The one guy who wasn't attracted to me back hurt me a lot by that. I know I've hurt a lot of guys who I saw as "just friends" or not even friends who were attracted to me, or even in love with me. One friend (a Taurus) was in love with me for years and I just wasn't into him that way. I wish humans were designed so that didn't happen! Requited love is complicated enough. Unrequited love hurts like hell.

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I don't see what could be wrong about that?

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posted February 22, 2009 11:42 PM         

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*edit* If its actually the case of being in love with a person, I might understand why one finds it difficult to move on but if its something like this, I say move on to the next fool. LOL

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Agreed, but that's why these mixed-message guys really suck. Since their rejections and deflections can seem so much like the ways guys act who are terribly smitten and just shy/scared, it's easy for attraction and hope to build.

We should all take this kind of thing as a reminder to keep our own signals kind, compassionate, and clear. ESPECIALLY with friends. Stringing along a friend because of being too wimpy to be honest, not wanting to lose the friendship, and/or liking the ego boost=highly unfriendly.

I've had to learn to live without stringing along an entourage of crush-ing guys following my Leo ass around, like I did when I was 14...because, it's super duper MEAN!

Interestingly, I'm always arguing with my Virgo Sun/Gemini Moon/Taurus Rising friend about this. She has sooo many guys into her who she's not into back (she is a wonderful person), and when they ask her out, she'll LIE and say, "Oh I have plans that night, maybe another time", even when they ask her out eight times. Hoping they'll just magically get the message, even though "maybe another time" builds hope. (Like GrlyGirl's Virgo saying: "Don't worry, we will," about them hanging out.") It's so much nicer in the long run to tell the truth and say, "Hey, thanks for the invitation, but I don't feel that kind of connection between us."

posted February 23, 2009 10:15 AM         

And dont blame the Virguy, he doesn't have to reciprocate anything by any means if he is not interested, go back to their convo and see who is sending out the confusing messages and mixed signals and YES I am defending him and if you dont like it you can stick it, he even asked her to go date another dude for fug's sake.

posted February 23, 2009 11:19 AM           

i dislike the idea that women make out that its the man that has to be the one to find out if a woman is interested in him.

if a woman likes a man, she shouldn't hide it or avoid showing it. (im not implying women have to ask men out, but im saying they shouldn't hide it.) maybe some women need some FIRe!!!!!

posted February 23, 2009 12:53 PM           

I think the problem is that some people expect others to be black and white about an issue instead of accepting that most of us, even though we may not admit it, are really shades of grey.

Some people deny their own shades of grey and expect the other to be black and white so that they can clearly determine where the other person stands.

So what, someone might be interested in you. What your asking is, I think, is that they oblige you by stepping interest up to ultimate devotion/do or die focus or even just serious dedication. Truth be known, we are all on the shade of grey spectrum about someone else, whether it be charcoal grey or whisper grey and the variance in between. I mean, if we are wanting to know someone more because we like them so much, then we would have to admit that we are really still only on a shade about them too, even tho obsession might make us think we are black and white.

If the other person is not coming to the party then there is probably a good reason. Something about them or you or even just the situation is holding them back from getting more involved. I think it is hard for us to accept this kind of thing. As a general rule, I try to appreciate someone's decision not to approach...

- if they are just unsure about your feelings but would like to approach, I think there is something to be said for the fact that they can't find a way around that.
- if they are interested but not taking up your body language or other communication, they are either insensitive to you(a problem) or they are too retrograde(another problem, or they want you to make the moves(so they can either blame you for any f/ups or back out when they want, another problem)
- on that last note, if they are interested and maybe very interested but not sorting it with you in some way, then they might be playing just too many games to protect themself or use you(this will always be a problem even if you progress in the relationship)
- if you're just plain star crossed, you're both keen but seem to be missing cues or situations then you'll probably find this will be either a persistent theme or the future will sort it.
- if you try and sort it yourself, then if it doesn't happen, then back to square one - its not happening
- if they are not taking steps further, and you suspect they're interested, they might actually be showing you their honesty and respect for you - think about it, the guy that is nice to you, is giving you the right eye contact, has had to have picked up your mutual interest, but still is not going further and you're left in limbo land thinking you both are just the ultimate couple waiting to happen - he is probably either honest that he only wants to get naked with you and prob doesn't want a couples thing and maybe he thinks you deserve more, OR, he wants you to say you can handle what he's offering but doesn't want to be a b*st*rd, OR he's a manipulative pr**k or he's a w*nker.
- if you are on a persistent rollercoaster, where it kind of progresses, then you're confused, then whatever -you might like this or hate it but if you look at it - its still really stuffed, even if exciting for some
- if all you want is to get naked, or even just get a date, whatever, and you don't mind what happens after that - then you have to go up and just say what you want and then you will get an answer come what may. But it might not be the answer you want so you have to decide whether you can live with that, embarassment, hurt etc
-if you only want to hang with them to get to know them better, it takes two to hang, so yeah same deal, put it to them then accept the answer.
- if you think you're the problem why its not progressing due to your insecurity, unsuccessful relating whatever, either change your approach or accept that you are not getting it right. If you're like this with everyone then you need some direction from someone objective, but invariably we are like that with people we aspire to, maybe you have to accept the truth about yourself - most of us can get along with someone, even if its not the calibre of person we thought we wanted.

Ultimately, its eventually going to be a stuffed relationship anyway, even if in some capacity. heh!

These wonderful idealized romances/marriages are often rife with trade offs. That Paul Newman/Joanne Woodward thing, ppl need to get real over that idealization. As if he was faithful! Sure he probably did a hell of a lot of kiss and makeup prob because he liked the stigma of saying he had a good marriage/wife. Usually, for a relationship to work over the long term, someone is making huge sacrifices, someone is usually pretty dependent, or they both really know how to shut off to stuff and compromise to keep things rocking along. But you'll find there is always a trade going on at some level.

It's all hit and miss, you'll never know if you can work it together until you actually try but then you have to be prepared for the consequences if it doesn't work out or if its always got its hassles.

Basically, I think these mexican stand-offs can be dealt with by say you, in this case, laying it on the line for good or ill. There are no guarantees... We have to stop expecting the other to work in with our plans.

posted February 23, 2009 02:20 PM           

My view on things is made worse by an ongoing drama that I find. Any relationships usually end up with me feeling threatened. If they like me and want me to like them or to stay or get in
close relationship with them, they become threatening when I don't. I feel almost obligated to appease them or they become worse in their manner towards me. I have an unaspected Mars in Leo in 7th so this may be the culprit.

Yeah, everything becomes heavy, they suggest to people around me and eventually any other males will not talk to me or look at me and any females will treat me as if I am causing problems. These guys will literally bring others on board to try and push me around if I don't wish to pursue a deeper or an ongoing involvement with them if they want me to. If I try and be friends with them, then I'm 'keeping them dangling on a string' supposedly, and if I don't bother with them they become volcanic.

My ex-husband would work on those around me to make them think he was only wanting what was best for me from a point of love. In the end I can't move unless these guys approve or they put screws on me.

If I do back away, I can feel violence emanating from them, and they don't accept it and drop it. My ex-husband remarried and he would still do whatever he could to rile his new woman against me and then he would put his hands in the air and say "Hey, it hasn't nothing to do with me!" They always work on women around them who like them and get them subtley to try and influence me. Might sound paranoid but its been my experience.

Yeah, I attract men with strong Cancer/Capricorn(no offence out there!). They are so nice to me when things are going well but will switch off or take a volcanic stance against me if I want to be away from them or even if I just don't comply with something.

I tend to stay right out of any contact other than off hand day to day because if I'm not 100% sure that I want to sign my life over to another's keep then I tend to end up being threatened in some capacity and usually their mental health is one of their means. I've had their suicide inclinations, addictive going off the rails, and stuff similar - pinned on me, and really I don't want to know about it.

It is said that someone attracts this because they are projecting it or its really in them first, but, I can't relate to that. It might be right but I've never felt like doing myself in over anyone, or becoming violent to someone to get them to stay or be where I want them. And I don't like the atmosphere on the reverse.

So yeah, the first post might be coloured by my experience.

posted February 23, 2009 02:29 PM           

sorry, yeah, I was posting in between. Yeah, I mean you only have to look at his eyes in any of his movie scenes. He loved women and wanted just to dive into them all; as if he wouldn't go there.

Sure, faithfulness is not what everyone sees as a necessary marriage quality but most of us do. Its only natural to want to have exclusive intimacy for most of us.

posted April 03, 2009 11:44 PM         

So, you're trying to play it cool by pretending you think he should date? In order to keep your dignity? But your MOM told him you're really into him, so HE KNOWS? I'm at a total loss.

-Why isn't he just asking you out, then? Why does he want to message or talk on the phone or talk at his job with you after he KNOWS you WANT HIM? Why is he not making the transition into hanging out alone and touching your boobs??? What is HAPPENING with the world????!!!!!! (Sorry, GirlyGirl, just venting my own frustrations here...aaagh...I hope this works out great for you. And I hope someone wise and good at this stuff weighs in with good advice.)

I'm still weirded out by your Italian restaurant conversation way back, because it's like you pretty much asked him out while at the same time being vague and mixed-message-y, and he pretty much said NO while being vague and mixed-message-y.

Your whole thing where you talk about other girls sounds not like fun flirtation at this point. More agonizing. Maybe you should limit your conversation to in person for a while? Don't call or message him. If he calls or messages you, reply by inviting him somewhere (a group somewhere, like a party...or, just to hang out.) If he says he can't, end the contact. When he calls or messages you again, do the same thing. Basically, only accept in-person hanging out. When you see him in person, don't talk about other girls (or guys.) When he does it, don't banter back, just smile and brush your arm against his or smile and make eye contact, and change the subject. Talk about other things. No games!!! (Games=testing him by urging him to date other people. I know he does this too, but one of you has to stop.) Stop trying to tease him ("Oh, you don't know my number?") Just be sexy, pretty, female, and THERE in person, and send him all sorts of delicate, girly, irresistable vibes.

Basically, his being in touch now makes me think that he either adores you as a friend and is misguidedly trying to be "nice", or he's vaguely interested in you as more and sniffing around, or he's VERY interested but is very lame and wimpy, or...actually, I have no idea, because with the Italian food convo, I feel like an interested guy would've taken one of your many openings to hang out with you. So confusing!!