posted August 24, 2010 08:39 AM            

I had a locked room inside.It was closed tightly.
In it was pain--pure like pure gold ,unadulterated with lesser metals lol

I did not know it was there. It was an unknown pocket of myself.

If I could have just kept the pain there, that would have been fine but other parts went ,too.

I could not see other people's pain.
If someone hurt me, I called them a jerk,in my mind.

I may have acted OK and I usually did but I put them in a box and it was labeled bad.

I think when I opened to my own pain, some human part that was lost came back.

I am not alone in the parts of myself I considered unacceptable and banished to the attic.
These were the parts that could not be brought out at a Sunday dinner lol
Everyone, even the most polished person, has them.

I am not sure how I reclaimed a part of myself.
I think it was what IQ told me.It allowed me to start being a member of the human race,not outside of it by not being able to accept anything less than perfection in myself.

Ami

PS With my Mother, I had to be perfect or I was thrown in to the bad box.
I had to develop an outer self which was perfect or tried to be.
The problem was that my whole life was screaming "Imperfect" from every messy drawer to every unacceptable emotion lol

PPS This is NOT about Dyn-a or any particular person but I see how I wanted people to be on a life path FOR me.

I was angry when they were not. Some people hurt me badly such as my mother and she probably had choice and a number of other complicated factors in there.

However, other people are not on this earth for me or as adjuncts to my purposes.

They are walking on a solitary path that I can touch if I am fortunate.

When you touch someone's heart and they yours an alchemy happens that takes you out of the drabness of this world and puts you somewhere where Neptune still rules with all of it's rose colored beauty.

posted August 24, 2010 08:43 AM              

quote:

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Dyna you are often totally nuts

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I think it's her cancer ascendant becomes defensive and offended very quickly. Especially with an Aries combo makes her quick to over react... and shes still young..

posted August 24, 2010 08:50 AM            

I remember doing that so many times with my friends.
We would not speak for days. We would ignore each other with a tight lipped expression, a haughtiness lol

Then, we would miss each other and one would say," Want to make up?
The other would be relieved.
We would make up and the past was gone in a "poof".

I think kids have the wisdom we lose when we get older.

Ami

posted August 24, 2010 05:44 PM            

I am neither annoyed nor angry with anyone, nor am I a child in a playground ignoring people for emotional reasons.
My reasons are not so much emotional or of 'sudden onset'.
Ami's comments psychologically upset me.
That is the only way I can describe it.
There is just something about me being 24 'breast feeding' someone who could almost be my grandmother - that simply does not sit well with me - in imagery.
Call me crazy! Call me superficial!
Call me defensive! Call me over-reactive.

(In the past there was just something that did not sit well with me in being accused of a betrayal that was put on par with the betrayal of a dying loved one, when I do not even have what I would consider a 'close' relationship to Ami.. definitely not *that* close, not family *close*.. nor did I do anything to give rise to such comment.

Again call me defensive and over-reactive! Call me immature!

Then go and get a psychological degree.. come back.. Call me defensive and over-reactive all over again!

Be my guest.. I am entirely done caring.

You are not in my shoes. If you were - I am not so sure you would've happily and merely taken this in.)

Perhaps this is indeed me exaggerating and missing the wonderful good sense behind both metaphors.

You can interpret my words and behaviour as you will.

This is the second time I feel psychologically upset by a comment made by Ami.

Both times it was for similar reasons, due motherly duties having been seemingly imposed upon me, whether in the past or at present.
I just do not think I have the energy, the ability, the age - to mother anyone.. Furthermore I find the expectation both outrageous and hassling. And thirdly - I do not intend to mother anyone but my own children.

This is not EVEN about a comment or two or three or more.
It is about what has gone on here - and what I was expected to do - which is apparently to fulfil a motherly role.

(I am thinking now perhaps.. Ami - because you mothered your own mother.. you may think - or perhaps be under a subconscious psychological impression that someone younger than you - should likewise mother you.. I am honestly not sure. I am just throwing this out there, in case it helps.)

In any case, the outrage of all of this is too much for me psychologically.

I have not been in such a situation before in my life.
And whether this seems funny to some or not - it *was* (hopefully this is past tense) a scary situation for me.
The reason I am describing it as 'scary' is that I felt and continue to feel even now at times.. that Ami cannot let me be.. that she will continue to try to subtly get me back and mothering her. I genuinely hope this is in my head only, my own paranoia - and untrue.

The line is now drawn in self protection.

Nothing left to say.

to all

posted August 24, 2010 05:48 PM            

quote:

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There is just something about me being 24 'breast feeding' someone who could almost be my grandmother - that simply does not sit well with me - in imagery.

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This is a low blow

Ami

posted August 24, 2010 05:51 PM            

I have to be honest. That is honestly psychologically disturbing to me - in itself.

posted August 24, 2010 05:58 PM            

Ami

PS The grandmother comment was the worst . It is quite frankly gross

PPS I guess you are lucky you live far away or Grandma could stalk you.

posted August 24, 2010 06:03 PM            

The only thing I meant there is that age-wise you could be my grandmother, almost.
I did not mean anything else. It was an age-related comment.

I understand this may be offensive but I had to be completely honest for once. I edited in some things in at the end.

This is honestly how I feel and felt.

quote:

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PPS I guess you are lucky you live far away or Grandma could stalk you.

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posted August 24, 2010 06:14 PM            

It is merely the THOUGHT itself that you have been through life, had kids etc - been on this planet for so many years.
I actually saw you as wise. I do not see myself that way, because I lack the experience.
I may be intelligent, but that is not the same thing as having LIFE EXPERIENCE of 55 years.
I am in no position to breast feed someone like you from MY perspective.

So this is what was disturbing to me.

posted August 24, 2010 06:14 PM            

I can see why you're both upset, and I know that there aren't an isolated few who have dealt with things that leave a mark.

posted August 24, 2010 06:17 PM            

Ami

posted August 24, 2010 06:18 PM            

I`ve been observing this thread in silence for quite some time, and it follows a certain pattern. First one of you gets upset about something the other said, retaliates, the other will respond accordingly, things escalate, then you both will agree on not talking to each other anymore, just to be back for another round within a few posts.

I slowly get the impression you are ENJOYING this kind of interaction. And probably especially having so many observers and readers in your playground here (which originally was an astrological thread btw).

I think everyone now has understood that you have hurt each other and feel treated unfairly.

Aren`t you getting fed up with repeating this again and again?
I sure am.

Of course I could choose to NOT read here, but you know what?
I am coming here cause I hope to find something substantial to read about 8th house (though this might be a perfect real life example you are showing here).
Well, I must be really naive and stupid to expect something else than personal bickering on here.

Am I being unfair to you?
Probably.
Am I risking upsetting both of you?
Maybe.

You know what?
I am in my Sagittarius phase tonight, and I am really TIRED of this "circus" and being pc.

And even more so I am absolutely fed up with opening various threads and see petty bickering instead of reading something with some astrological or even philosophical substance.

No, I do not want to belittle any of your opinions or feelings. They are very true for you.

If you can`t deal with each other, don`t! Simple as that.

You will never get each other to see things the way you do.

MY personal perception is, this thing is absolutely overblown, and starts getting plainly ridiculous.

Then on the other hand you can go on with your argument, cause I at least have given up hope that any kind of astrological insight could be shared in this thread anymore.

posted August 24, 2010 06:19 PM            

I think that perhaps if we met in RL and you saw me daily Ami - rather than spoke to me through a computer screen.. then you would've clearly *known* in your mind - how young I am. I am happy if my advice helped you when it did.
I believe your advice helped me also.
But I am JUST a girl.
I'm no mother.
I'm no saint.
I'm no Yoda.

posted August 24, 2010 06:21 PM            

You are right though about this going on and on.
What happens is I do get HURT - but then I think (or should I say.. myPisces side thinks) I should let GO and keep engaging and being normal on here.. so it starts again..

posted August 24, 2010 06:23 PM            

Ami

posted August 24, 2010 06:28 PM            

I think it was that.

We are so different and you showed me a new way from my narrow box.

Maybe, age has nothing to do with it.
Maybe, our maturities are DIFFERENT not one is greater or lesser than the other.

Your way of seeing life WAS life changing for me.
What can I say?

Ray does the same thing for me.

You are both Cap moons and had a very different background than I.

I can't explain what happened or why.

You helped me a lot. I think I helped you some.

I feel I did.

It blew up.

Ami
PS I think that with my relationship with God, I can allow people to come in and out.
They are surprises to me, presents, gifts.
I enjoy them. I hope they enjoy me.

If /When God takes them , He does.

I have Betalgeuse as my Sun, 28 degrees Gem.
It is supposed to be the most favored star.
I am blessed with wonderful people in my life.

If/when they go, I wish them well and let them.
So, that will be the case with you.

Ami
PS After you left, that sweetie Letram came in to my life and I helped him so much.
He was so grateful for my life wisdom.
It went around in a circle as things have a way of doing.

posted August 24, 2010 06:32 PM            

What - in your opinion - is bothering me? I am curious.

Apart from that,

no I am not in your head, in neither of your heads, and you are not in mine, that is why I was giving you a glimpse into it.

posted August 24, 2010 06:35 PM            

Ami

posted August 24, 2010 06:37 PM            

Ami

posted August 24, 2010 06:40 PM            

If not, I am gonna go.

Ami
PS Teasel you had a GREAT and VALID point. If you care to go there. That is fine with me.
I don't do gratuitous fighting BM