posted June 10, 2012 10:36 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by IndigoDirae:
Ahh, of course he did. I get that entirely, too. We're in CONSTANT communication. Hell, it's been that way for almost 6 years now - with a few gaps due to things we've overcome. I've no doubt he felt about you as you knew he did. But I also believe he didn't want to 'go out with you' i.e., start a relationship. It was too intense, and he was scared. He probably would have accepted a more casual thing, but that's not where you wanted to go with how you felt. I get that, too.

Mine's a double Sag with Ven/Mar in Aquarius. Keeps things interesting. I know how he really feels. I've ALWAYS known, even before he 'didn't' say that he loved me. (He did; he just 'doesn't remember it', and it was 3 years ago, I'd moved, was seeing someone, etc., late at night - you know; that kind of thing). So.

When we addressed the issue 2 months ago, he said that he'd 'give me a list, if I wanted it' going into 'detail' over all of the reasons why he doesn't want a romantic relationship with me. With blah, blah, blah, you're my writing partner, my confidante, my adviser, my, [insert here]. And concluding it with, 'please don't stop talking to me.'

Which told me EVERYTHING. Hell, his ACTIONS had been telling me everything for YEARS. But his words were always withheld - the ones I needed - except in a three month period when I was single / unattached three years ago. I try not to dwell on those three months.

Anyway.

We found a compromise which works for the both of us, and he'd finally just outright blurted why did I need him to explain his incapability for committed relationships when I already knew this about him? I told him I didn't. And I had no idea why he felt the sudden need to explain.

Long story short, we'll see what the future holds. But since he was no longer fearing that I was secretly longing to leave my husband, making him a homewrecker, and forcing him to face the depth of his feelings for me - everything's been cool. He's been completely honest with me, and we've slowly gotten back to the blatant honesty, and solid relationship we had years before.

I don't know why I kept digging. But for some reason, 'Malibu Barbie' had a sincere need to tell 'Houdini' WHAT was UP. Know what I mean? ;p

-A.

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posted June 10, 2012 10:44 PM            

Could all you girls please check placements for Karma, Saturn, Rudra and Kaali and get back. Because Pluto is generational I feel that the play up between these bodies can shed a light on the drama that gets played sometimes.

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Yup I am THAT one.

My Blog on my life and passions ...

www.kriyaashakti.blogspot.in

posted June 10, 2012 11:08 PM            

Wow, that really sounds like what you say, Indigo. That he's scared.

Once, we were at a lecture conference at our university and everyone was sitting on the floor, and he was like 5 people away from me and was flirting with me the entire time. Giving me flirtatious looks. And then later in the day there was a party and he was standing there apart from his group of friends just staring at me and when I saw him I stood there awkwardly staring at him too. And we were standing there just awkwardly, stiffly facing each other from far away with terrified expressions. Then I walked away, and he grunted angrily and grabbed a friend of ours and lifted her up off the floor, obviously to release his frustration. And I'll never forget how he hugged me. He slid his hands slowly around the sides of my waist and left them there and hugged tight for a while. But I'll never forget his embarrassed expression as he was walking up to me from far away to hug me bc he knew what he was about to do. I had no idea he was going to hug me. Aw lol.

Yeah lots of sweet moments with him. Changed me. I actually agree it was too intense. There was a point where I swear I wouldve shown up at his house with an axe or something haha. Like if he ever cheated on me or gave me reason to believe he was unfaithful. OMG. I would probably die. If he didnt text me back quickly I already felt faint and dizzy (I even had to cancel an event once because i felt so weak/dizzy) so just imagine. Chris Rock has a standup where he says you have never been in love if you've never looked at a can of rat poison and thought, you're gonna die motherfuc ker. haha.

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Imagination is intelligence having fun.
—George Scialabba

posted June 11, 2012 01:12 AM            

In regards to the poster (I'm sorry, I'm on my phone and can't go back to check your name) who said I have to trust in what I feel this man feels for me, you hit the nail on the head. That is the problem. What I feel that he feels for me is the same pain and longing. We too, have that psychic connection where we can feel each other.

This man came back to me just like he said he would when he was able to untangle himself from his relationship. But a mutual friend basically ran me off. I didn't know it at the time, but he had confided in this friend and this friend in turn made a few comments to me that made me stop listening to my gut and give up (or so I thought). The friend probably thought he was being helpful by running me off. At the time I thought they were random comments, but found out several months later that he spilled his guts to him because he needed a friend to talk to about us. I got together with my boyfriend that night and have been with him since. If I had known what was really happening, I would have waited. Six months later when he found out I was with someone new, he was upset. But he told me that he only wants me happy and he knows my boyfriend will take good care of me. He doesn't want to be the cause of our breakup or come between us, so he did the right thing and walked away (ironically, he and my boyfriend know each other but my meeting one had nothing to do with knowing the other). But when we see each other, his eyes tell me a different story and I can feel the angst.

What started out as a crazy yearning has turned into my gut screaming at me that I'm not with the man I should be. I thought if I could get him to tell me face to face it was one sided (on my part only) then I would finally have the strength to move on for real. But he won't let himself be alone with me (even in a public place). He says it's not a good idea and we can't be friends. He says he's scared of me. I interpret it that he's scared of the intensity between us because in the past he actually said we scare him because he can feel me and he has never experienced that before.

So how do you get closure if there's no closure to be had because everyone is too busy doing the "right" thing?

posted June 11, 2012 01:21 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Dreaming111:
JoJo:
I'm looking at your chart, http://www.linda-goodman.com/ubb/Forum24/HTML/207990.html
I'm no expert but I wanted to see if I saw any similarities between your charts and mine and this one guy's chart.

Basically, like my guy, your guy has his moon in your 12th. And your sun like mine falls in the guys' 11th houses; our venuses fall in their 12th. (venus in 12th means unrequited love.)

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This isn't him. This is a guy I thought about going on a blind date with in my first attempt to move on. I never went and never met this guy. :-)

posted June 11, 2012 01:22 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by VenusdeIndia:
Hi, I know i am late entrant here. I haven't read all the pages but I have a question for all the women who have come forth with these Plutonic stories.

Could all you girls please check placements for Karma, Saturn, Rudra and Kaali and get back. Because Pluto is generational I feel that the play up between these bodies can shed a light on the drama that gets played sometimes.

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My Saturn conjuncts his moon.
My Saturn squares his mars.
My Saturn conjuncts his saturn.
My Saturn sextiles his neptune.
My Saturn conjuncts his pluto.
My Saturn trines his north node/ rahu.
My Saturn biquintiles his chiron.
My Saturn conjuncts his kaali.
My Saturn sextiles his AC.

His Saturn trines my sun.
His Saturn semisquares my mercury.
His Saturn quintiles my venus.
His Saturn trines my mars.
His Saturn conjuncts his saturn.
His Saturn sextiles my neptune.
His Saturn conjuncts my pluto.
His Saturn trine true node/ rahu.
His Saturn quincunx my chiron.
His Saturn quintile my MC.

My Karma biquintile his uranus.

His Karma trine my jupiter.
His Karma trine my uranus.

My Rudra square his venus.
My Rudra opposes his uranus.
My Rudra conjuncts his chrion.

His Rudra conjuncts my sun.
His Rudra quincunx his jupiter.
His Rudra semisquares my MC.

My Kaali semisextiles his venus.

posted June 11, 2012 01:23 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by JoJo:
This isn't him. This is a guy I thought about going on a blind date with in my first attempt to move on. I never went and never met this guy. :-)

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posted June 11, 2012 04:00 AM            

And about this guy holding you, comforting you while you weep for another guy, unfortunately he could just be doing that to be nice. If he loved you so much, you would feel it, and you would love him back just as much. Love isn't love unless it's returned. Did you know that when you're in love with someone it's because their body movements and facial expressions remind you of your own? I've actually looked up research articles on that. There's a similarity that has to be there that either does or doesn't exist. And if you don't feel it, it's probably because it's not there, and it also probably means he doesn't really feel it either, because that similarity is JUST NOT there for him to see or notice. He probably treats you coldly sometimes or does some things which make you unhappy and make you feel distant, and that's why you're not in love with him. Chances are, if you're not in love with him, neither is he. Plus when he finds someone who he DOES have that chemistry with, he will leave you, and then where will you be? What does that leave you with? DONT WASTE YOUR TIME

Okay, honey?
lol
------------------
Imagination is intelligence having fun.
—George Scialabba

posted June 11, 2012 05:15 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Dreaming111:
You are married to another man, pining for this one that is unstable?

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I know, it's great, isn't it? And because of the instability, I've always known that any sort of real relationship was a bad idea, and have never pursued that. Just too inconsistent. It'd hurt too much when he was in one of his rarer, but still happens, moods where he's unable to handle his own emotion, so he shuts down everything and is simply locked-down and inconsiderate. He's a hilarious insult comic. It's not so funny when it's directed at something that's currently important to you; like the more profound topics of life. When those (again, rarely) are addressed - and with some urgency - you don't want to be hashing out the meaning of life with an insult comic. Least, I don't.

So, a casual relationship has always been the most I've ever expected from him - and with good reason. Despite how closely we're bonded, how much commonality we share, how we have a genuine affection and respect for each other. He's too scared of his own emotion, and I've finally moved beyond that in my evolution.

posted June 11, 2012 05:54 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by JoJo:
So how do you get closure if there's no closure to be had because everyone is too busy doing the "right" thing?
.

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Jojo,

WTF should I know? I don't mean to seem so cross; I'm not. You just did EXACTLY what I did - except, I also got married - and have vacillated for the last two years regarding what I SHOULD have done, or have I done what I was MEANT to do, etc.

If this man loves you unconditionally, it sounds as if you've found a companion soul. You can build a life with this person. He's ready to love you - unlike the man who isn't, and can't. It's perhaps the hardest, most logical and rational and healthiest choice to make.

I 'moved on' because, to be frank, I never thought he'd be honest with me about his true identity. (But THAT's a LONG story for a different day). I gave up on it. He OBVIOUSLY didn't care - and after five years, and LYING TO MY FACE. And yet, I couldn't shake how I FELT. Or those fleeting, precious moments in the past which were honest and meaningful, and told me everything. I just chose not to believe them. I chose to protect myself and avoid the pain of the intensity proving to be one-sided. I ran. Quite literally. Became exclusive with my boyfriend, took a month-long working vacation to Los Angeles (where he'd moved to), ended up getting a job working with a show, and had de facto relocated myself. As my best friend responded to my saying, 'I know. It was VERY unlike me. Incredibly spontaneous,' that deciding to get ice creme at four A.M. in a Wal-mart is spontaneous. What I did was out-and-out crazy. But that's what you do - when you run. You become temporarily insane.

And it ALWAYS catches up to you. A week before our first anniversary, he told me the truth. I wasn't expecting it. I'd given up on it entirely. My husband and I were already in an openish / 'monogamish' marriage, (as he'd done before) but I wasn't going to touch THIS relationship with a ten-foot-pole. Until avoiding it completely then drove me into the worst depression of my life.

I don't know how I feel, frankly. I don't know what my gut says. I don't know what's convincing myself and what's true. We still have these periodic moments where we each run, and every time he does, (even if it's just from a particular conversation for an hour or two) I always tell myself, 'See? You did the right thing.'

But we all know the reality here. He doesn't want to be responsible for wrecking my marriage. It took him awhile to realise that HE's not the SOURCE of our problems; it's just that our relationship, and how we fit into each other's lives, when there's no 'place' for each other, makes things very difficult. Very complicated. Hard.

So, my advice ... I'd say to do what makes you happy, but I'm not even sure if that works, or is possible. When the intensity is too much, when they can't face their emotions about you, or the depth of their feelings, it HURTS LIKE HELL - but what can you really do? You can't put faith in that. You can't invest in that. You have to make a solid decision to build a real relationship with someone who CAN build a real relationship with you, or decide to wait, flounder, and take the one who makes you feel unlike anyone else, for some terrible, unknown reason, as they come. Both options are hard as hell, frankly.

Be grateful for this companion soul in your life. Mine makes me feel safe and secure at its core. That's Saturn for you. Not always happy, or passionate, and can be pretty damned joyless. But if he makes you feel like home - if you want to share your life with him, regardless of how you feel for this man, then maybe you'd want to work towards that.

But the truth is, I have no advice for you. I wish I did. I would have waited to get married, yes. But the truth is that I WANT to share my life with this man. I WANT to be a part of HIS family. All I can EVER hope for with my best friend is a relationship of fits and starts, which has a baseline commitment of which we never speak - as we just simply ARE - and when it's good, it's amazing. I've never been so happy. And when it isn't ... it cuts like a knife.

You don't want to put your faith there, do you? You don't want to make THAT investment, do you? It's not worth it -- is it? Who knows what your gut is saying. It's probably just your heart; a broken heart always beats with the greatest intensity.

I really am truly sorry. I wish I had more for you. I wish I had more for myself.

posted June 11, 2012 10:54 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by IndigoDirae:
Jojo,

If this man loves you unconditionally, it sounds as if you've found a companion soul. You can build a life with this person. He's ready to love you - unlike the man who isn't, and can't. It's perhaps the hardest, most logical and rational and healthiest choice to make.

---

quote:

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What I did was out-and-out crazy. But that's what you do - when you run. You become temporarily insane.[/B]

---

quote:

---

I don't know how I feel, frankly. I don't know what my gut says. I don't know what's convincing myself and what's true. [/B]

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quote:

---

So, my advice ... I'd say to do what makes you happy, but I'm not even sure if that works, or is possible. When the intensity is too much, when they can't face their emotions about you, or the depth of their feelings, it HURTS LIKE HELL - but what can you really do? You can't put faith in that. You can't invest in that. You have to make a solid decision to build a real relationship with someone who CAN build a real relationship with you, or decide to wait, flounder, and take the one who makes you feel unlike anyone else, for some terrible, unknown reason, as they come. Both options are hard as hell, frankly.

Be grateful for this companion soul in your life. Mine makes me feel safe and secure at its core. That's Saturn for you. Not always happy, or passionate, and can be pretty damned joyless. But if he makes you feel like home - if you want to share your life with him, regardless of how you feel for this man, then maybe you'd want to work towards that.[/B]

---

quote:

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Who knows what your gut is saying. It's probably just your heart; a broken heart always beats with the greatest intensity.[/B]

---

quote:

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I really am truly sorry. I wish I had more for you. I wish I had more for myself.[/B]

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posted June 11, 2012 11:21 AM            

JoJo, I think you need to talk to him, face to face, open hearts. If I remember well, you said he doesn't want to, but you have to try your best and have him talk to you. Because, you're in torture right now. You need to set things straight, or at least have *some* clarity as to what the guy feels and what he wants/expects from you (if he indeed does want or expect something). I'd try to have a conversation with him, even if you're scared, and even if he's scared. That's the only helpful thing I can see.. Otherwise, you'll keep thinking about him and obsessing over the "what if's" and "if only's". And it's no good for you. You need some peace of mind.

posted June 11, 2012 11:34 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Dreaming111:
Oh lol. Where is the chart for the person you are nuts about? lol

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Here you go (he's on the outside). It's also posted on the first page with different asteroids:

Check out the name asteroids. I changed them from my name to "HER" and his name to "HIM" (stupid, I know).

posted June 12, 2012 06:54 AM            

I had a long, drawn-out, and very heartfelt, blow-by-blow response to each thing you've said, as it all resonates with me deeply, and our 'meeting' here and now, on this thread, almost a year later since your first posting on it, is hardly coincidence. I'm instead doing it this way, because, for all the sympathy and support it gives, the result would've been the same. No advice to give - just my heart going out to you as I muddle through my own misery, wondering what the hell is wrong with me, and why I can't move on.

Then I read a book. See, I'm a writer. In fact, I'm a creative professional. So is my best friend. But we invariably get stuck, even though our drive to create is SO powerful, SO overwhelming, that it defines a part of us until we allow it to help us be what we were meant.

At least ... that's how it USED to be. His need is still there. His yearning, his talent, his desire. But something along the way knocked down his belief, too. His confidence. His appreciation of his own ability. I know I've had something to do with it, too, though, of course, never intentionally. I was just doing what I had to do. I HAD - to RUN.

We think of ourselves; how can't we? We think of them, too. Oh, but then it hurts, because they're not ready, and we're sick of being hurt, and so we do the safe thing. We love someone who loves us. We convince ourselves we're happy, and this is doing The Right Thing, (oh, yes, it's wonderfully seductive, The Right Thing - and is it any wonder?) and we're being sensible, and growing up, or evolving - no matter our age. We damn our hearts and curse our feelings and refuse to be 'so stupid' anymore.

And so we run.

I wasn't thinking of him when I ran. I was thinking of a particular scene from 'You've Got Mail' where Meg Ryan's character says to Tom Hanks' that the reason she can't tell the poor fool she loves him so desperately, because, well, uh, how to say this without sounding like an even worse fool herself ... she, uh, doesn't actually know who he is, and, well, that makes it kinda hard to, well, DO ANYTHING. He's practically virtual. Lives as words on a screen. Who cares if she's committed the ultimate sin against her own logic and pragmatism, and fallen - invested her emotions - in those words? Those words aren't a person. She can't have a relationship to those words. To pixels on pixels. Text. So, she has to let go. She HAS to.

And, as we all know, she makes the smart move and marries Greg Kinnear's character, and is a loyal and devoted wife, who accepts that her own enterprise failed because she couldn't keep up with progress, abandons her previous ideals, starts a family, and lives to a ripe old age, where she's content enough, and reminds herself in those darker moments where she wonders of the elusive, dangerous What Might've Been, of the immense gratitude she has for her family, and decides that the quiet suffering in solitude, the loneliness of not being quite connected to a kindred spirit is worth all of the contributions she's made to society. The. End.

Oh, sh*t. That didn't happen - did it? Of course not. If it had, Nora Ephron would've received bushels of hate mail - and not for defying the genre, but writing a story which, frankly, COMPLETELY writes out one of the MAIN characters, and resigns the other to a life of satisfactory mediocrity.

And we don't go to the movies, or read fiction, to get a dose of reality. We're there for the idealism; the way that everything can unfold across the screen or through the pages of happy accidents and things making sense and lovers being in love and the good guys winning and the vanquishing of evil - or just clinical depression.

But that's kind of how it went in my life. I got tired of waiting. Like Kathleen, I thought: this is stupid. But I admired something about her; something I realised, watching it again for the second time in my life, just this past January. She never gave up on Joe. She loved him. She loved him when he was too scared to come forward. She loved him when he stood her up. She loved him when communication broke down, and she let him go. She just loved him.

I thought, wow. Now THAT's strength of character. I HAD seen it as weakness. Man, how happy am I that I wised-up and got with the programme! You can't love someone's words. You can be inspired by them; they can light up your whole world, somehow. But you can only love the person.

From 2006, to 2011, December, he was words on a screen, slowly fading to the spectral memory of words on a screen, since I'd run, leaving them to fade, I assumed, with my memory of them. Especially the one that made them. The person. It was too ridiculous, impractical, and therefore, unthinkable, to love a person who's just words on a screen, even if you KNOW otherwise. If you go purely by facts, words on a screen.

He lied to my face - and for those six years. When we met, he lied to my face. Four hours. Not a word. He was, well, himself, and I could be nothing but myself, either. But he knew. I knew. We both damned well knew. He wanted to have coffee the next morning, before he had to drive back home, after he'd done his show. I accepted. And yet, I knew. There'd be that awkward moment. The point which came for both of us, with the lull in the conversation, where it's hanging in the air. 'Are you ever going to tell me?' or, 'Is there ... something you'd like to tell me? About ... yourself? That you haven't?' So, naturally, he did the only thing he could to smoothly avoid it. The whole day passed. We were going into late night now. 2AM. On the road, back home. He texts me. He'd overslept, awaking to find he had another gig in another city. He's really sorry. Now he's on the road. Gone again. Leaving me with the weak, but genuine, invitation to: 'text him anytime'.

Words on a screen. But this time ... I wanted more.

By this point, I was newly engaged. The first time I ran, I became exclusive with my now-husband, and moved on-the-fly to Los Angeles. I abandoned everything. This time, I felt the same kind of pressing need to seal the deal. Make it final. I started looking for rings. We started talking dates. Of course, he didn't REALLY want to get married. Not now. He wanted me to become who he wanted me to be - but that's a tangential story. Not necessary to this one, though, inextricable from my life, and my choices.

I had a strange thought hit me about two months ago, during one of those across-the-board rough patches. For some reason, I thought of how I'd feel if he had a brush with death - like an accident. I didn't even realise WHY I would do this, except that I would GO. I would be THERE, AT the hospital, by his side, PERIOD. It was without question. Automatic. I then realised: what would I do if he were dying? What would I do if I was?

When I realised, that I would go to him, to spend whatever time either of us had left, I entered the worst depression of my life. Well, so far. I'm only in my early thirties.

Yes, I have my obligations to my family. My husband, and my stepdaughter. I love them both dearly with a kind of love that's irreplaceable. My husband and I can make this work. He doesn't expect me to devote myself and all that I am solely to him. He just wants me to help him be happy, too, and I need him to take this journey with me.

So, once I figured THAT out, I realised I could stop thinking like my husband was: how do I fit into the picture? He kept wanting my life, my relationship, to be a framework in which he could easily understand his place. It doesn't work that way. There IS no place like that for him in my relationship with my best friend. It's NOT a framework for our marriage. Outside of a healthy respect and genuine appreciation my best friend has for my husband, and our marriage, that's the extent of it. It ends there. He and I are a whole other kettle of fish.

We're twinflames. We're here for, in some ways, the 'soul' (tin inpunded) purpose of coming together with the other, doing great amazing wonderful things, and then ascending to some higher plane of existence, or purpose. Since we're writers, creative professionals, we're each other's muses and partners and kindred spirit. We have stories to tell. Some are his, some are mine, but we approach them together - and that's what elevates them to genius; a true communion of souls and contribution to society BECAUSE they come from that place of true art, and the authenticity of one's soul. Otherwise, they'd just be good, entertaining, or, God forbid, completely unfinished, constantly thwarted by the forces of the daily grind.

It didn't occur to me until today, realising what I have to do. I have to love him. Period. Oh, telling him is a kind of useless thing at this point. He can't deal with my consciously, actively loving him. That makes it very hard to have a relationship with someone. But I still have to. I can't keep running. I have to help him elevate himself, and his art, to where we BOTH need to be. I have to help him find himself again, and operate from THAT place, rather than this scared, ego-driven one, which is just going to keep him miserable, apathetic, and disconnected from me AND our purpose.

I can't do that if I run.

I have the fortune, as do you, I hear, of having a man who loves you without condition. That's something he and I've had to work towards, but we're really getting there. He doesn't begrudge me for my best friend. It's ... tough, some times, but he understands. Slowly. Finally. As long as HE's happy, as long as I devote SOME time to making OUR relationship work, he doesn't care what I have to do, or how I have to feel in order to be happy - even if the sort of happiness he and I have is nothing at ALL like the sort of happiness I feel with my best friend.

Long story short, I need them both.

Right now, at least, my best friend is terrified; he might be for a long time. But I have to accept my love for him, and use it to guide my actions and interactions with him. I can't keep running from it, denying it, fearing it myself. Coincidentally, this is EXACTLY how my character needs to approach the same thing. She can't run, either. With her opportunity to literally do-over, she has to take it to allow him to develop as he's meant to, which means, without pressure or controlling, she just has to let him be - and love him.

Actions beat words any day, anyway. I could tell him I love him, but outside of it short circuiting every thought in his brain and causing his whole reality to shut down and lock me out in both overwhelming happiness and abject terror, it's not even what he needs right now. I'm so used to having NOTHING BUT words on a screen, I've neglected where he's been trying to direct our relationship steadily for the past few months. Through TALKING. And we'd do it, and everything would fall into place, and we'd both realise that what we have and feel is real, and, in our way ways, we'd both panic and run. But, oddly, he'd keep calling. I'd just stop answering.

Why? I was terrified it'd come out. That somehow, when I least expected it, he'd say something, and all I could think, caught entirely off-guard, is my love for him, unfounded as it may be, foolish and ill-placed and seemingly pointless - dangerous, even - and to make matters FAR worse, I'd bloody SAY it. So, I ran. Again.

My advice for you, is that you probably ARE hearing your gut. But what's it really saying? Is there no future for you and your boyfriend? I'd find that hard to believe. Don't discount the power, and value, of a companion soul.

But maybe, such as I'm going to do, you ought to try loving him. Letting that liberated feeling and experience, guide your actions and interactions. Without fear, or expectation. If I DID say anything to my best friend, it'd be that I love him, and that I always have, but I haven't known what to do with it, since it doesn't seem to ever have a place in my life, and we're cursed with terrible timing. But I'm choosing to love him, and I expect nothing in return. This is simply what I'm doing for him, because it's right, and genuine, and true. He can throw every possible cruelty in the book at me, and it's not going to change what I know. What I won't second-guess anymore, or question, or discount and disregard.

Because I know he loves me, too.

Is that why I've chosen to love him? It isn't, actually. It's because it's the right thing to do. It's because he needs it. His soul and evolution and purpose of being CRAVES it - MUST have it - in order for him to do what he's meant to, and, conversely, me, as well.

I say, love them both. Love your boyfriend and the fact that he wants to love you without fear in the most special, rare, powerful way a human being can: without condition. And then take that lesson that you're learning from your boyfriend, and give your Libran the same. Show him unconditional love - which he's probably never seen before. I know my best friend hasn't.

And expect a fight. Expect a total raging against. The ego doesn't just give in; it fights to hang onto every last shred of the material plane before it lets the soul ascend. The true self emerge. The spirit evolve.

Don't give in. Keep fighting. Keep loving them both.

I've heard, it's the raw material of miracles.

Hang in there.

posted June 12, 2012 07:28 AM            

'Some love is just a lie of the heart;
The cold remains of what began with a passionate start.
And they may not want it to end;
But it will, it's just a question of when.

Some love is just a lie of the soul;
A constant battle for the ultimate state of control.
After you've heard lie upon lie -
There can hardly be a question of why.

Some love is just a lie of the mind.
It's make believe until it's only a matter of time,
And some might have learnt to adjust.
But then it never was a matter of trust.

You can't go the distance, with too much resistance.
I know you have doubts,
But for God's sake, don't shut me out.

This time you've got nothing to lose.
You can take it, you can leave it, whatever you choose.

I won't hold back anything,
And I'll walk away a fool or a king.

It's hard when you're always afraid.
You just recover when another belief is betrayed.
So break my heart if you must -

posted June 12, 2012 10:41 AM            

My boyfriend is a Taurus, the other man a Cancer. Either one is a great fit astrologically for me. Where Taurus gives me stability, comfort, and security, Cancer lives in my soul. Cancer reaches that ethereal part of me no one has ever touched, and perhaps never will again. Taurus is my rock and his arms surround me when I’m ragged and raw.

I've been fighting so hard and for so long to get over Cancer and move on with my life that I'm exhausted and lying in a battered heap on the floor. But Taurus is there. He dresses my wounds with a soothing balm and whispers that everything will be okay - that someday I will be whole again. He dreams of the day I will love him as much as he loves me now - with abandon, without reservation, and with a heart that is not fractured. I honestly hope and pray I can.

Cancer doesn't deserve the sacred gift of my heart, yet he is the one who has it. Taurus is the man to whom my heart should belong. He knows it isn't his, yet he is still here. Patient, believing, having faith in something I cannot see or feel no matter how hard I try. He listens, comforts, and offers support as I struggle with my demons. This steadfast devotion from Taurus makes me feel guilty because he deserves so much more than I am capable of giving him right now.

I am on a battlefield, and no matter which way I turn or how lightly I tread, there will be collateral damage when the fight is over. The question is, who will the wounded be – Taurus, Cancer, or me? I know one of them will sit next to me in a rocking chair on the front porch when I’m ninety. I just don’t know who…

So I continue to love Cancer – and I love Taurus. I love them truly and in very different ways. I love one for his purity of heart. I love the other for touching my soul. I love them both endlessly.

Years ago before I discovered photography, I expressed my soul through poetry. Although I didn't know it at the time, three of the poems were written for these two men that I love. The first one describes Taurus' love for me. The second describes my situation with Cancer. The third, my heart.

~

Give me love’s sweet tender kiss
As birds coast in at night
To rest upon a springtime twig
That reaches toward the sky.

Caress my heart with words of love
Speak gently in my ear
Words of lace become alive
That only I can hear.

Brush my cheek with wings of peace
My love is wrapped in you
The sum of us outshines the parts
Like sunrise and the dew.

I lock your heart inside of mine
Lest I forget to know
Like a bird’s eternal flight
Timeless does love roam.

~

Today, suddenly, for no reason
I saw you in my mind.
There you were, sitting so still
And quietly passing time.
What were you thinking at that moment?
Your expression was one of peace.
A smile played across your lips ~
I hope you were thinking of me.

Perhaps the two of us, during our special time
Sharing the depths of our souls.
Side by side, holding each other ~
Feeling completely whole.
But at the same time, wondering how
We could possibly feel that way.
Later still, making love
As night turned into day.

As I watched you, your expression changed ~
A door just seemed to close.
As if you remembered how love hurt
When you really let it show.
You shook your head as if trying to stop
The battle raging within.
I know you really wanted me ~
But you may have been hurt again.

I want you to know
Wherever you run,
From your feelings,
You cannot hide.
No matter how many doors
You close between us
When I want you,
You’re in my mind.

~
Can’t you see I want to be
All that you desire of me
And give myself in whole to you
To show you love so pure and true?

But wrapped around this heart of mine
Are memories of another time
My heart dared love, my hope did soar
And then was stomped into the floor.

So to give you all my heart and soul
Will take too much from me.
For when a heart is truly broken
It loves in small degrees.

posted June 13, 2012 02:28 PM            

I've got PLENTY more to say, but for now, I've got to say this.

Your three poems are songs - the second of which is a slightly Americana rock genre. Like Crow, or Dixie Chicks, with an Alanis feel.

That's coming through VERY clear to me. Is there a 'refrain' you hear in your head, in conjunction to that one? The rest of it is 'playing' perfectly in my head, but there's the missing refrain - which, musically, is with me, and lyrically isn't.

Much more to follow.

EDIT: Nevermind. The final 'verse' is the chorus / refrain.

And I just want you to know,
Wherever you go,
From your feelings, you cannot hide.
And whatever doors you close between us,
When I want you, you're in my mind.
When I need you, you're in my mind.
Yeah, I still love you, but in my mind.

Seems the 'theme' here is 'In My Mind'. That's not a bad title.

posted June 13, 2012 03:06 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by IndigoDirae:
JoJo,

I've got PLENTY more to say, but for now, I've got to say this.

Your three poems are songs - the second of which is a slightly Americana rock genre. Like Crow, or Dixie Chicks, with an Alanis feel.

That's coming through VERY clear to me. Is there a 'refrain' you hear in your head, in conjunction to that one? The rest of it is 'playing' perfectly in my head, but there's the missing refrain - which, musically, is with me, and lyrically isn't.

Much more to follow.

EDIT: Nevermind. The final 'verse' is the chorus / refrain.

And I just want you to know,
Wherever you go,
From your feelings, you cannot hide.
And whatever doors you close between us,
When I want you, you're in my mind.
When I need you, you're in my mind.
Yeah, I still love you, but in my mind.

Seems the 'theme' here is 'In My Mind'. That's not a bad title.

-A.

---

Haha. Then let's write some music together sister. I've got tons more just like these. I only stopped writing when I started shooting.

posted June 16, 2012 09:02 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by VenusdeIndia:
Hi, I know i am late entrant here. I haven't read all the pages but I have a question for all the women who have come forth with these Plutonic stories.

Could all you girls please check placements for Karma, Saturn, Rudra and Kaali and get back. Because Pluto is generational I feel that the play up between these bodies can shed a light on the drama that gets played sometimes.

---

My Saturn conjuncts his moon.
My Saturn squares his mars.
My Saturn conjuncts his saturn.
My Saturn sextiles his neptune.
My Saturn conjuncts his pluto.
My Saturn trines his north node/ rahu.
My Saturn biquintiles his chiron.
My Saturn conjuncts his kaali.
My Saturn sextiles his AC.

His Saturn trines my sun.
His Saturn semisquares my mercury.
His Saturn quintiles my venus.
His Saturn trines my mars.
His Saturn conjuncts his saturn.
His Saturn sextiles my neptune.
His Saturn conjuncts my pluto.
His Saturn trine true node/ rahu.
His Saturn quincunx my chiron.
His Saturn quintile my MC.

My Karma biquintile his uranus.

His Karma trine my jupiter.
His Karma trine my uranus.

My Rudra square his venus.
My Rudra opposes his uranus.
My Rudra conjuncts his chrion.

His Rudra conjuncts my sun.
His Rudra quincunx his jupiter.
His Rudra semisquares my MC.

My Kaali semisextiles his venus.

His Kaali trines my sun.
His Kaali quintiles my venus.
His Kaali trines my mars.
His Kaali conjuncts my saturn.
His Kaali sextiles my neptune.
His Kaali conjuncts my pluto.

posted June 22, 2012 02:28 PM            

I would love-love-love to make beautiful music together. (Well, slightly angry, rocking out, profound but punky, music; heart and soul, with grit and gusto).

More regarding everything else soon. (This half-done reply has sat here long enough!) Sending and moving forward.

posted June 22, 2012 04:08 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by blugrey:
The only time I've ever experienced this is with my first unrequited love. I've never experienced it since. We have a tight Venus (His) - Pluto (Mine) trine and a loose Moon (his) - Pluto (mine) conjunction. His Pluto is also inconjunct my Venus and we have a Venus (His) Mars (mine) conjunction. Usually I'm able to give up on people easily and it doesn't weigh on my heart if I get rejected or something falls apart, but seriously, I feel like I can never get over this person. Its been 6 years. Rationally, I can explain this away, but it's probably the only time I've been so emotionally invested which is hard for someone like me.

---

I totally relate, the one who got away in my life has his Moon conj my Pluto, and his Venus square my Pluto. I have always been the one to break off relationships, with exception to this one. It was really hard to totally get over it, took years. Does not help that I am a Scorpio Venus.

posted October 11, 2012 09:11 PM            

I ended things with Taurus last night. Things got...obsessive. It got to a point where I felt like I couldn't breathe anymore. I had three men friends in three separate conversations of their own volition express their concerns for my safety. Needless to say, that got my radar up and I wondered what I was missing.

Long story short, when I ended things last night, he went bat sh*t crazy on me. I need to play nice until I can get him to move out, but I'm really dreading the drama waiting for me when I get home tonight.

I was caught flat footed because I never expected him to become so obsessive/possesive with me. It got down right creepy, and that's when I knew I had to get out. I just hope he goes away and doesn't become a stalker. I don't need that in my life right now...

This morning I got a text from Cancer asking why the (expletive) is Taurus trying to get his number. I didn't see that coming as Cancer wasn't a factor in me leaving Taurus. I left Taurus because he started to make me feel very uncomfortable.