posted June 03, 2012 05:02 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Stawr:
My social life is almost non existent.

I'm starting to freak out. I feel like all I have right now is the guy! <3 Love the guy, but that is just not healthy.

A few weeks back, lots of friends reached out to me. I was busy whether it was work or already had plans with the guy.

And now that he went back, no one has really reached out to me. I've been reaching out to others, a bit.

But with other friends, it's like "they stopped talking to me"...but then I think wait...or have you stopped talking to them?!

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People have stopped talking to me too, and it really, really hurts a lot, especially when I haven't done anything to deserve it. People deliberately ignore my messages.

At this point, I just feel so hurt and I don't know how I'm going to get through this. Somehow, I have to find a way to move on, but this just really hurts so much, especially since I've tried so hard not to be creepy or irritating and it just has blown up in my face big time.

The other thing, too, is that I can't even just say how I feel. I want so much to just ask people why, to ask if things can ever be fixed or even just what's going on, but I can't bring myself to do it right now. I don't know if I should do it or not; there's part of me that wants to, but part of me is afraid of what would happen if I did.

On the other hand, though, things are this bad between myself and others--what do I have to lose?

posted June 04, 2012 05:43 AM            

If that's what this means, then would it be better for me to just take the hint? And save face?

I guess I just don't see the point in confronting the person if that's what they're going to say and would think it better to just take the hint, but is there any value to being humiliated in this case? Especially when I've already been hurting a lot lately?

Would it fix/help anything? I mean, assuming that this is the reason, it's not going to change their minds or make things better, so is there anything else that could possibly benefit me from talking to these people, or should I just give up on them and cut them out of my life and not speak to them at all?

After all, it seems like I already have the answer, so wouldn't confronting them just prove their point and make things worse? Or is there something to be gained, even though I already know exactly what they think?

If people think that someone is too intense, do they just write you off as creepy and a freak (which is what I assume), or can things be talked about/worked out? Would a confrontation make the problem worse and reinforce the idea of someone being creepy/weird?

I've just assumed that people would just avoid you and right you off, but has anyone ever confronted someone about this and made things better by doing so?

posted June 04, 2012 06:10 AM            

I'm not sure how I'd word exactly what I would say, but what I mean is explaining to people like I feel like they've been avoiding me, explaining why I think they've been avoiding me, asking if it can be fixed or if they'd rather we just not have anything to do with each other/that I not bother them (in better wording than that).

If I am going to just talk to someone about it and confront them, I just want to make sure that it's not going to blow up in my face, and I also am cautious about giving myself more emotional pain right now, since I'm already feeling really low: I've had a few lighter moments, but overall, I'm still really depressed about all of this, so I want to be kind to myself and take care of myself.

I don't have a lot of experience in confrontation, but if I can't avoid it, I want to go about it in the right way and, ideally, I want to improve things between myself and others by talking about them; at the very least, I want to have a better social life by gaining insight. There's not much point in doing the right thing the wrong way because that won't accomplish my goals.

I just don't know what to do. I was feeling OK earlier, but I literally feel sick right now.

I just feel really ashamed of being creepy or overly intense or talkative, and am finding it hard to take the advice here of liking myself/thinking that I'm OK.

posted June 04, 2012 08:05 AM            

I think your problem is simple but the doing of it, to get better is hard. You are not in touch with what you are feeling. You are not in touch with your gut, your core etc

Hence, you are not seeing yourself and others clearly.
If you could open these "eyes", you would KNOW what to do, without anyone telling you, as you would FEEL it out.

Opening these inner eyes involves killer pain, based on the severity of one's abuse imo

I am going through that process, now, so I do understand it. The pain is literal fire.

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Passion, Lust, Desire. Check out my journal

posted June 04, 2012 08:10 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Ami Anne:
This is my opinion, which is one mans experience. Opinions are like noses. Everyone has one and they usually have a few holes in them.

I think your problem is simple but the doing of it, to get better is hard. You are not in touch with what you are feeling. You are not in touch with your gut, your core etc

Hence, you are not seeing yourself and others clearly.
If you could open these "eyes", you would KNOW what to do, without anyone telling you, as you would FEEL it out.

Opening these inner eyes involves killer pain, based on the severity of one's abuse imo

I am going through that process, now, so I do understand it. The pain is literal fire.

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What I do know is that I don't feel good about myself, and I realize that people want to be around people who make them happy and feel good.

However, it just seems like the damage is irreversible. I would like so badly to set things right, to love myself, and to attract people to me in doing so, but I just don't feel like things can be fixed, and it just hurts and hurts and hurts.

I don't really know what you mean by not seeing myself clearly--I'm pretty aware that I feel not so great about myself--but what else am I missing about how I feel?

I think, too, that if I have to be honest, I am afraid that, by confrontation, I WILL be told that my fears are true, that I am creepy or weird. I'm afraid of creeping people out more by trying to fix things and don't want to appear stalker-ish. I'm afraid that this is how I will be perceived if I try to talk about it rather than avoid it. I don't honestly know what would be best to do. It seems, from everything that I read about these issues, that I'm justified in thinking that people are avoiding me. What I don't know, though, is how they'd react to me trying to work things out.

posted June 04, 2012 08:24 AM            

I don't believe in labels such as Aspie etc. That is Western Medicine and is a young science(200 years) compared to Eastern Medicine(2000 years) which does not label. They help the person find balance. When one can FEEL again, one knows how to act with people. It is not hard but one must feel it out for themselves.

I have been numb since I was a teen, so I am doing all this and coming out of it, but the pain is awful, as I said.

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Passion, Lust, Desire. Check out my journal

posted June 04, 2012 08:45 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Ami Anne:
Well, the whole thing is that there is a left brain, that knows things intellectually, as therapy deals with. There is a right brain that FEELS out things. This is what I am talking about. Right brain therapy and healing is TOTALLY different that traditional talk therapy.

I don't believe in labels such as Aspie etc. That is Western Medicine and is a young science(200 years) compared to Eastern Medicine(2000 years) which does not label. They help the person find balance. When one can FEEL again, one knows how to act with people. It is not hard but one must feel it out for themselves.

I have been numb since I was a teen, so I am doing all this and coming out of it, but the pain is awful, as I said.

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I respectfully disagree with you about the psychology thing, though I appreciate your time.

And Aspie isn't a "label" or limiting, at least not for me. It simply is a
way of describing certain patterns of behavior. No more, no less. I can't deny that I fit those patterns. For me, it's just a more concise way of describing some habits that I have and some things that I do.

posted June 04, 2012 08:52 AM            

I'm specifically applying this to asking why someone is avoiding you, but even in general, any advice there welcome, as I constantly worry about it, especially since with being an Aspie I don't always pick up on cues and other things.

And, again, would it just be less creepy to completely shut out a person and avoid them? Would that be the lesser of the two evils here? Is the risk of coming off as creepy not worth the potential payoff of a conversation about why a person hates you/is avoiding you?

I honestly don't want to make other people uncomfortable, but, at the same time, being avoided hurts very deeply, causes me a lot of emotional pain, makes me feel horrible about myself, and it does hurt a lot, and I do want things to be right.

I just feel really torn. There's a part of me that really just wants to, in a way that's connecting and positive, try to fix things and work on them with people (as in, tell them that I know that they're avoiding me, see if it can be fixed). I am terrified of doing that, though. I NEED answers, but I'm afraid of answers. I want to attract people by being more positive, but it's hard to be positive without external affirmation. I'm trying to find internal affirmation, but being thought of as creepy and weird makes that really hard.

posted June 04, 2012 09:22 AM            

I think it might be better to wait for the confrontation thing because you are hurting right now and it might become worse. What I meant was that I do think good can come of it - if you feel you are up to doing it. It gives you a sense of inner pride for having the courage to tell them it is NOT ok to treat you like this, to stand up for yourself, to tell them hey, it's friggin' rude to not at least answer someone who gave you a sincere friendship offer! That and I am one for airing things, not keeping them bottled up inside. That is what I meant when I said it.

But in this context, I'd say at least wait until you feel better. Treat yourself with something that feels good - a good book, a long bath, a nice walk in the park, whatever you feel like doing. Please try to relax and not worry so much about this. I know it is easier said than done, but please try. You will have a better chance to attract people to you if you worry less about the impression you give them. People don't like it if you go out of your way to get them to like you - they don't really appreciate it and might consider it weird or suspicious. They like it when it sort of comes natural, so try not to force it, not worry so much about what they think about you, try to be as natural as you can be.

posted June 04, 2012 09:53 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Hera:
((((( Platero )))))

I think it might be better to wait for the confrontation thing because you are hurting right now and it might become worse. What I meant was that I do think good can come of it - if you feel you are up to doing it. It gives you a sense of inner pride for having the courage to tell them it is NOT ok to treat you like this, to stand up for yourself, to tell them hey, it's friggin' rude to not at least answer someone who gave you a sincere friendship offer! That and I am one for airing things, not keeping them bottled up inside. That is what I meant when I said it.

But in this context, I'd say at least wait until you feel better. Treat yourself with something that feels good - a good book, a long bath, a nice walk in the park, whatever you feel like doing. Please try to relax and not worry so much about this. I know it is easier said than done, but please try. You will have a better chance to attract people to you if you worry less about the impression you give them. People don't like it if you go out of your way to get them to like you - they don't really appreciate it and might consider it weird or suspicious. They like it when it sort of comes natural, so try not to force it, not worry so much about what they think about you, try to be as natural as you can be.

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That sounds pretty reasonable.

I really love being a Libra for the most part, but one of the downsides is that people take genuine kindness and niceness as 'weird' or 'suspicious' even when we honestly are being sincere and just see good in a person. We really do just want people to like us, deep down.

At this point, I'm just going to be cold, avoid people, and not participate in things that I usually do--just will stay away, at least for awhile.

posted June 04, 2012 10:07 AM            

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Passion, Lust, Desire. Check out my journal

posted June 04, 2012 10:56 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by RegardesPlatero:
That sounds pretty reasonable.

I really love being a Libra for the most part, but one of the downsides is that people take genuine kindness and niceness as 'weird' or 'suspicious' even when we honestly are being sincere and just see good in a person. We really do just want people to like us, deep down.

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Indeed, I find it curious that you are having this problem, being a Libra. You guys are born with social skills, the rest of us blokes have to learn them sometimes the hard way. I have rarely seen a Libra without a (sometimes huge) group of friends and I find it difficult to understand why this is happening to you. I don't see anything wrong with you, you're actually very funny and nice and have a wonderful energy! In my opinion, it is their loss for they are missing out on an amazing person!

quote:

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Originally posted by RegardesPlatero:
One last question, though: if I ever do end up talking to people later on, is it ever possible to talk things out successfully, or, when you talk about things with people (like how they avoid you), does it tend to be just a laundry list of your faults and nothing else? Is it worth it?

If it is a brutal experience that just brings on unhappiness, is there anything good that comes out of it that trumps that unpleasantness and makes it worthwhile?

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Well, with the experiences I've had, people kind of lie to you because confronting them makes them feel guilty for hurting your feelings so they make a (futile) effort to spare your feelings (why bother when they were brutally hurt the first time?) and say they were busy or whatever. A few did tell me I came on too strongly and intimidated them. They won't list your flaws, don't worry. They will try to downsize it as to excuse themselves. When you confront them, though it is supposed to be about you, it suddenly becomes about *them*. I went out and asked them because I wanted to improve myself, I didn't understand what I did wrong and just wanted to work on my social skills. But the overall reaction was "there's nothing wrong with you, it was a bad time for me/I was busy/focused on other things blah-blah". If you could find a person who is 1) honest (blunt even) enough to tell you the truth and 2) emotionally mature to understand why you are asking this as to not get defensive about it - then yes, I believe it is worth it. Unfortunately, few people like that exist.

Platero, do you think maybe you have targeted the wrong kind of people? I mean, I believe no man is an island and for sure there are people out there with whom you'd get along very nicely and who could appreciate your awesomeness and not treat you like this.

quote:

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Originally posted by RegardesPlatero:
At this point, I'm just going to be cold, avoid people, and not participate in things that I usually do--just will stay away, at least for awhile.

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posted June 04, 2012 07:15 PM            

I had a good experience tonight where I really got to feel how anxiety affects other people around me. I was talking to people about it, and they all felt anxious after hearing about it, so then after that we discussed ways of calming/soothing that bad feeling.

posted June 04, 2012 07:17 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Ami Anne:
OK RP
I hear you and wish you very well!

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posted June 04, 2012 07:18 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Hera:
Well, with the experiences I've had, people kind of lie to you because confronting them makes them feel guilty for hurting your feelings so they make a (futile) effort to spare your feelings (why bother when they were brutally hurt the first time?) and say they were busy or whatever. A few did tell me I came on too strongly and intimidated them. They won't list your flaws, don't worry. They will try to downsize it as to excuse themselves. When you confront them, though it is supposed to be about you, it suddenly becomes about *them*. I went out and asked them because I wanted to improve myself, I didn't understand what I did wrong and just wanted to work on my social skills. But the overall reaction was "there's nothing wrong with you, it was a bad time for me/I was busy/focused on other things blah-blah". If you could find a person who is 1) honest (blunt even) enough to tell you the truth and 2) emotionally mature to understand why you are asking this as to not get defensive about it - then yes, I believe it is worth it. Unfortunately, few people like that exist.

Platero, do you think maybe you have targeted the wrong kind of people? I mean, I believe no man is an island and for sure there are people out there with whom you'd get along very nicely and who could appreciate your awesomeness and not treat you like this.

If you feel like doing that, it is okay. I went through a period of isolation and being a bit anti-social too. It is okay if that is what you feel like doing, but do not deprive yourself of the things that you enjoy doing because of them. Nobody is worth that.
Also, please try to relax about this. The more you will worry about it, the worse it will feel. Just do your own thing like nobody's watching, enjoy your own company and people will come to you instead - I don't know why, but when you stop *wanting* and just carry on as you normally do, the things you wanted come to you effortlessly. Life is weird like that sometimes.

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Hera, you're awesome. Thank you so much.

posted June 05, 2012 06:23 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Hera:
That's wonderful! I am very happy for you! I am glad you were able to find people with whom you have talk openly about this!!

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thanks

posted June 07, 2012 11:09 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by RegardesPlatero:
My results:

[b]You Should Be A Libra

What's good about you: A total charmer, you easily find friends and allies

What's bad about you: You have a secret side that's easily confused and depressed

In love: you enjoy flirting, dating, and the whole process of falling for someone

In friendship, you're: very social ... you rather be with your friends than be alone

Your ideal job: fashion designer, makeup artist, or song writer

Your sense of fashion: very feminine / masculine (depending on your gender)

You like to pig out on: sweet stuff like ice cream and french toast

What Sign Should You Be?

**

[/B]

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Well I think, though these tests are sort of on the silly side, they do hold true. You ARE a Libra! Your life lesson is one of a Libra, this is why you were incarnated as a Libra. If you had to be an Aries, you would have been an Aries! This is who you are supposed to be, Libras are great and so charming and balanced and diplomatic! ^_^ Your Sun may be on your SN, but perhaps by embracing your Libra nature 100% you will be able to go towards your NN - because that's a very Aries thing hehe! I think we grow into our NN when we are totally ready and not a minute too soon, it is good to want to reach it but don't force it if it doesn't come naturally. You will get there, no worries.

Just something I wanted to tell you. It is going to be alright, Platero. I am not psychic but occasionally I tap into the people I feel connected with and I had this feeling that everything will be alright. You will find your way.

posted June 07, 2012 11:15 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Hera:
Well I think, though these tests are sort of on the silly side, they do hold true. You ARE a Libra! Your life lesson is one of a Libra, this is why you were incarnated as a Libra. If you had to be an Aries, you would have been an Aries! This is who you are supposed to be, Libras are great and so charming and balanced and diplomatic! ^_^ Your Sun may be on your SN, but perhaps by embracing your Libra nature 100% you will be able to go towards your NN - because that's a very Aries thing hehe! I think we grow into our NN when we are totally ready and not a minute too soon, it is good to want to reach it but don't force it if it doesn't come naturally. You will get there, no worries.

Just something I wanted to tell you. It is going to be alright, Platero. I am not psychic but occasionally I tap into the people I feel connected with and I had this feeling that everything will be alright. You will find your way.

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posted June 08, 2012 07:41 AM            

More and more, though, I'm feeling like I deserve to be treated with respect and consideration, and am feeling like I should withhold kindness, gentleness, sweetness, and other nicer things from people unless and until they really earn it. I hate to be mean to people, but honestly, I'm just so fed up.

As much as I want to be liked, included, and accepted like everyone else, and want people to be happy to see me and enjoy being around me, I'm tired of people taking advantage of me, not liking me, avoiding me, and of people lying to me about being happy to see me/wanting to be my friend and then acting in a way that completely contradicts that. So, from now on, if people don't treat me as I want to be treated, they just don't get to be included in my life. They get to feel what it's like to not be welcome and to be excluded. If they want to have me as a friend, they have to show that they are worthy of that, because my friendship will become much, much harder to obtain and hold onto from now on. That's just how it has to be, because I can't keep getting hurt. It just really eats me up and destroys me inside and hurts too much.

I am not perfect, but are other people? Are they some kind of magic sparkle ponies that sh!t rainbows or something? No. So, if I tolerate and embrace their flaws and accept them for who they are, then they need to give me that same courtesy.

I do have good traits. I may be highly sensitive and easily hurt, but being sensitive also means that I'm sensitive to others, too. I try to be considerate and polite. I'm a good cook. I have good taste. I'm not a genius, but I'm still reasonably intelligent. I genuinely care about people and am interested in who they are, what they think, how they feel, their stories, their goals/dreams/hopes, love to exchange ideas with them, etc. I love dogs. I've worked really hard to get better at managing my emotions. I have a spiritual side that I really like. I'm interested in a lot of things and have a good range of things that inspire me. I'm good with words.