posted December 20, 2012 07:48 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Haplesschild*:
So the fact that this guy had a wife and two gfs just makes me think he must have been feeling pretty smug? Like he could do anything he wanted?

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He was never smug about it at all. He was very sweet, respectful, and treated each of us with love. He's very giving in general too... even with his platonic friends.

Any time he had a "date" night elsewhere, wife had to approve and feel ok with it so he never just did whatever he wanted.

And if one of us girlfriends needed him (emotionally), he would be with us. For example, he attended our corporate holiday work parties last year LOL.

It was great because I didn't want to put myself 100% into a relationship. I could spend a few hours with him and get on with my life. If I was feeling down, I could call anytime. When I got sick, he was there to cuddle me. He would do the same for his other gf or for his wife.

As I said, it was a growth experience. Jealously and control cannot survive in that environment. Those were my two biggest negative traits... and they have calmed considerably.

I know it sounds bizarre but it was genuinely a good experience for us.

posted December 20, 2012 07:52 PM            

quote:

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Did the wife sleep with other men too?

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She did at the beginning of the marriage (it was her idea, they were open from the start, before they were married).

But at the time that I was dating him, no. She was too busy balancing work & graduate school. Having the two gfs actually helped her because we kept him "occupied" (lol!) when she needed to get stuff done.

posted December 20, 2012 07:58 PM            

My ex-husband of 7 years cheated. More than once. He was emotionally abusive & controlling. Being monogamous didn't serve me well in that situation.

I had a better, more functional relationship, without fear, in my open relationship. It helped me heal and grow... to learn to love and trust again.

posted December 20, 2012 08:15 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Geeky:
Also...

Open does not = whoring around and catching STDs.

He was sexually faithful (does that make sense?) to his core ladies. That sounds funny saying it, but it's true.

The wife approved of the girlfriend and then those two had to approve of me. I know that sounds weird, but being completely truthful and honest is what made it work and made it to where we didn't have trust issues.

Before me, he was with his wife for 5 years & his other girlfriend on the side for 2 years.

Condoms were used EVERY single time. I cannot admit that to be true in my previous monogamous relations...

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Well of course whoring around gives you a greater chance of catching gross STD's.....

This guy and i was just kicking it with an attration that led up to it after 2 months, went to school with him knew him for 15 years! But after we had sex the truth come out about his hidden secret, BTW <you can get HIV> wearing a condom! AND if you or that other person has a cut in their mouth from chewing the inside of their cheek or bite tongue you can also contract an STD HIV or thrust.

point is THINK, cause we dont have special devices to detect who has what, so you rolling the dice. We just about in 2013 and back in the 70's cocaine sex parties was a big thing! thats how the virus started spreading but underground cause it wasnt common. But now its spreading like wildfire people travel to other counties more often and kids now are having sex younger these days.

posted December 20, 2012 08:30 PM            

I was more at risk in my monogamous relationship with a husband who was lying and cheating behind my back (because we were not using condoms...I didn't think we needed to).

It's all a risk. I do my best and take calculated risks. That's all we can do. Remember: "The only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions."

posted December 20, 2012 09:41 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by JLyn ~:
It seems the younger people these days dont understand real music is a story or a meaningful message that feels so good listening it touches your soul, not "lets get some puss and smoke some kesha" thats the point.

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I haven't noticed that they're any more promiscuous these days than in my time, or from what Granny (and others her age) described to me as her time growing up (and I overhead men once describing what they'd done sexually during the Vietnam War which was downright surreal, and also the first I heard of things like "anal beads"). But I did despair over Ke$ha becoming seemingly popular (I can't find that she is, Urban Dictionary is especially brutal toward her and her music, but I stopped listening to a certain radio station because they played Tik Tok at least once an hour), but this made it up for me:
x
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d7n8GqewJ2M

posted December 20, 2012 09:57 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Geeky:
Also...

Open does not = whoring around and catching STDs.

He was sexually faithful (does that make sense?)

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Yes, it's all about what people agree to. If he lived up to his agreement then he didn't cheat. If, OTOH, he violated the understanding then it's just like when a monogamous partner breaks their word. For example, many polyamorous relationships aren't entered into lightly and often all partners involved have to agree to it (which tends to keep such groups small), and if anyone enters into a relationship (even a one night stand) with anyone outside their agreed upon group then that's cheating, because the person broke their word to their partners whereas there's no violation of trust as long as it's kept within the agreed upon partners.

And a really good illustration of being faithful (even if from fiction, and minus the drugs & violence) is Savages where one woman was obviously faithful to both her men and they to her (with all 3 loving each other, even if all 3 were completely straight). It's not that hard a concept to understand. (Then there are the places where the lines get blurry, like swinger's clubs.)

I think what confuses people is many have an "all or nothing" view, so that if a person isn't like in some romance novel then they're playboys/girls who wake up drunk with strangers after having unprotected sex (too drunk to remember), the irony being most of those who do this are either monogamous or refuse any type of relationship whatsoever.

And btw, I've heard of more than one person who caught STDs from a monogamous partner, including a spouse. One that haunts me was a girl caught a STD from her monogamous boyfriend because another girl with the STD wanted to hurt her so she seduced the other girl's boyfriend just to spread it to her. :vomit:

posted December 20, 2012 11:40 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by cappy1277:
You can catch any std with a condom....it's not just something contained to oral. Many men take up shavingtheir genital area not realizing they are opening their skin to entry of viruses and bacteria. At any point if there is an entry of open skin, you can he infected. Trust me, we studied cases and were amazed where some of these infections showed up.

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posted December 20, 2012 11:48 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by PixieJane:
And btw, I've heard of more than one person who caught STDs from a monogamous partner, including a spouse. One that haunts me was a girl caught a STD from her monogamous boyfriend because another girl with the STD wanted to hurt her so she seduced the other girl's boyfriend just to spread it to her. :vomit:

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posted December 21, 2012 01:25 AM            

I think you can love 2 people at the same time but you can only be in in-love with 1. We all wired to love. share love, but if you want a stable committed relationship with a partner as your best friend your side kick, then lets face it, threes company ruins that secret bond you once shared together.

"Rainbows are just a beautiful mist in the air that disappears when the reflection can only be seen by the eyes"

posted December 21, 2012 01:28 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by JLyn ~:
The u.s. bureau estimates 4,000,000,000 people living in america & 7,000,000 have HIV, but the scarier sh`t is 1 in 57 people dont even have a clue they got it because symtoms usually dont show 3 months up to 10 years later THEN it turns into AIDS. oh?'

I think you can love 2 people at the same time but you can only be in in-love with 1. We all wired to love. share love, but if you want a stable committed relationship with a partner as your best friend your side kick, then lets face it, threes company ruins that secret bond you once shared together.

"Rainbows are just a beautiful mist in the air that disappears when the reflection can only be seen by the eyes"

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posted December 21, 2012 02:24 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by PixieJane:
I think what confuses people is many have an "all or nothing" view, so that if a person isn't like in some romance novel then they're playboys/girls who wake up drunk with strangers after having unprotected sex (too drunk to remember), the irony being most of those who do this are either monogamous or refuse any type of relationship whatsoever.

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posted December 21, 2012 06:15 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Moonfish:
No, can't say I agree. If you think about it, mainstream media is all about sex sells. Some of the most influential people in the world, mainly musicicans who are happily married, are the very defintion of sexuality. Now do I think exposing yourself for money and fame is the best way to go? Personally no, but at the end of the day companies like playboy are about the fantastical attribute of sex, not the actual act. There's a difference between giving people the idea to sleep with you (which they can do any way if your well dressed), and actually letting them sleep with you.
Granted "open" relationships seem to work for some people ex: sister wives. Though it should be respected for those, like myself who wish to be in a monogamous relationship that we are well aware that our partners are not seeing other people.

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Maybe it's because it's 3 AM and I should eat something but I find myself wondering what you're talking about here. I think you must have misunderstood what I was saying.

First, you realize there's a difference between polyamory, open relationships, and swinging, right? And that polyamory isn't "just about sex" or "be with whoever you want whenever you want"? (Technically, swingers tend to have a lot of restrictions on themselves as well and even many open relationships have terms and conditions.)

And second...I was talking about the reality of most people who claim monogamy, not the "pamphlet" or "theory." That is, the people most likely to sleep around, cheat, and all that will claim (and even demand) monogamy, not openly say they're into polyamory or open relationships. This could be because they have such poor impulse control and their immaturity makes them both insecure and selfish meaning they want to play the field but make sure those they play with are available to them by believing themselves in a monogamous relationship as well as not threatening their ego by possibly comparing them unfavorably with another lover, though enough who act this way do seem to experience guilt for doing so and saying their "hail Marys" over it, perhaps right before going back to their spouse. (Heck, enough johns who pay prostitutes wear wedding rings...and one of their worst fears they have is their wives finding out.)

I suppose what I said could be confusing in that they're not technically monogamous, but what I'm focusing on is that they CLAIM to be, and at least sometimes ATTEMPT to be (and demand of it of their partners) whereas many who claim to be polyamorous or have other alternate romantic relations tend to be a lot more honest, and sometimes even discriminating in their tastes (at least in my observation), as opposed to the poor impulse control and wild abandon of all too many who champion monogamy.

Oh, and when I said playboy/girl I wasn't referring to the magazine but a player who cares only about sex. (More.)

posted December 21, 2012 04:42 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by amowls**:
I'm also looking for "love in the highest form" and that's going to be rare finding it with more than one other person.

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This is what I mean. For some people (like amowls**), they are set on one type of relationship (monogamous) and that's fine. I eventually found my "one", the person I expect to be with until one of us perishes.

However, for a time in my life, an open relationship was good. It was a change that I needed to make to learn some lessons and grow as a person. I had a loving partner & companionship part-time and that was exactly what I could commit to. This person was a PART of my life and not my ENTIRE life and it was a positive experience.

Monogamy is my preference but I would be open to returning to that previous relationship style if this one tragically/unexpectedly ends. So it must not have been horrible.

I am not arguing that monogamy is better or open relationships are better... I just want to clear up some common misconceptions.

Common misconception #1 - men who are selfish sex maniacs are the only ones that benefit from an open relationship.

Common misconception #2 - the women in open relationships are suffering/taken advantage of.

Common misconception #3 - people in open relationships sleep around more than people in monogamous relationships (and therefore spread more sexually transmitted viruses).

These simply aren't true.

If an open relationship turns out bad, it's not because it's an open relationship. Just as when marriages fail (presumably monogamous marriages), it's not because they chose monogamy. A relationship style does not dictate the maturity level of those involved, the commitment level of those involved, etc.

Just sayin'.

posted December 21, 2012 05:22 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by mockingbird:
For what it's worth, Geeky, I'm obnoxiously monogamous by nature but understand and agree with what you're saying.

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Oh awesome, thank you. It is worth something because I want to offer a logical, alternative point of view... that's all.

posted December 21, 2012 05:26 PM            

imo, it'll change your point of view. it's really good.

go to "let me watch this dot com" take out spaces

posted December 21, 2012 05:33 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by RunAroundScreaming:
Everyone who is saying they think open relationships are okay should watch the movie "Fling"

imo, it'll change your point of view. it's really good.

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I've actually experienced it though... I don't need a movie.

I haven't seen "Fling" but it seems to be some indie filmmaker's take on 18-25 year olds and how they might approach such a relationship.

I believe for me, it would have been a horrible experience in my youth. However, the people involved in my relationship were 32, 33, 29, and 36... all but one (me) in graduate school and working full time.

I am not saying being educated is what made our relationship good, but maybe life experience did. Being responsible adults, etc.

Movies like that make all open relationships look like negative experiences. That is what I have been trying to break (that stereotype).

posted December 21, 2012 06:14 PM            

I appreciate your polite reply, but you
you still need to watch it even if you went through it. That doesn't guarrantee that you learned a valuable lesson from it that this movie could possibly help you see. and about "some indie film's point of view" don't judge a book by it's cover... esp when I'm telling you the movie is really good.

posted December 21, 2012 06:25 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by RunAroundScreaming:

RE: Geeky

I appreciate your polite reply, but you
you still need to watch it even if you went through it. That doesn't guarrantee that you learned a valuable lesson from it that this movie could possibly help you see. and about "some indie film's point of view" don't judge a book by it's cover... esp when I'm telling you the movie is really good.

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I never said it wasn't good. I have not seen it and I give everything a fair chance.

I thought that it may be one of those films that increases the negative misconceptions about open relationships. Maybe it's a one-sided point of view...told from a bad experience. I don't know.

I read it's focus is supposed to be around an 18-year-old (and young people in general aren't equipped to handle these types of emotions). The synopsis says they tell each other details of their flings (a big mistake, IMO!).

posted December 21, 2012 08:28 PM            

I'm not here to judge the people who choose to have open relationships, i'm just saying be mature, research the person, and be mentally prepared if trust issues or emotional distancing becomes a problem in the future.

They're rare cases in which both couples can handle it, but from what i've seen it backfires with broken rules cheating behind partners back and making love becomes boring to one or both partners.

But have fun!
and try to remember HIV and hepB doesnt have a smell or a taste