posted October 20, 2013 06:30 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by IndigoDirae:
Which is why I don't consider things outside a 2 orb unless they're parallel. Possibly contraparallel - but usually, parallel. I'm with ya.

---

I start thinking it might be "enough" to have a parallel/ contraparallel, to pull wider aspects together.

Also happens with some semisextiles as I noticed.

Mr Sag`s (see I am switching men again ) Aphrodite is exactly semisextile my Adonis; an aspect I donīt pay particular attention to. It is just so meh, and bleh.

However in this case his Aphrodite is also contraparallel my Adonis (0°08). Maybe it means something.

posted October 20, 2013 06:30 PM            

Also, question.

I often scratch my head because of all the 'but the Davison is ... ' stuff. Our Davison is practically identical to the composite. I think only the VX house and Nodes change. Everything else is the same.

posted October 20, 2013 06:37 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by IndigoDirae:
That just sounds beautiful. 'Mars on the solstice of Venus'. Is that an antiscia point?

Also, question.

I often scratch my head because of all the 'but the Davison is ... ' stuff. Our Davison is practically identical to the composite. I think only the VX house and Nodes change. Everything else is the same.

Is that ... uncommon?

---

Yes, it is.

Davison can be quite different from composite actually.

Mr Sag`s and my Davison had me in stitches when I saw it for the first time.

Because,
in composite we have

Sun: 26 Sag
Moon: 22 Cap

His natal Sun/Moon-mp on 27 Sag
my natal Sun/Moon-mp on 21 Cap

So naturally i was thinking we would lose that in the Davison. But not so.

Davison

Sun 27 GEmini
Moon 20 Cancer

The only difference is that now it is ont he far Sun/Moon-mp of each (but midpoint is midpoint. lol).

It seems like we simply cannot escape this.

When we met Tr Jupiter was on 21 Capricorn, and Tr Juno on 26 Sagittarius.
I just loved that. lol

(curiously now Tr Jupiter is on about 20 Cancer, so maybe it is time for some sort of resolution).

EDIT:
I think I am going to bed now though. my head is getting all confused with asteroids already. lol

EDIT 2:
Oh and solstice just means "turning point of the Sun", and yes it relates to antiscion and contrascion.

posted October 20, 2013 06:38 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Ceridwen:
I start thinking it might be "enough" to have a parallel/ contraparallel, to pull wider aspects together.

Also happens with some semisextiles as I noticed.

Mr Sag`s (see I am switching men again ) Aphrodite is exactly semisextile my Adonis; an aspect I donīt pay particular attention to. It is just so meh, and bleh.

However in this case his Aphrodite is also contraparallel my Adonis (0°08). Maybe it means something.

As for the ariadne story, it vibes with me in relation to Mr SAg, but noone else as a matter of fact.

---

Exactly. Contraparallels especially have that curious energy which isn't quite an opposition, since it's more ... synergistic. There's a Mars-Venus / Sun-Moon feel to them, I think. Very complementary.

posted October 20, 2013 06:50 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by IndigoDirae:
Contraparallels especially have that curious energy which isn't quite an opposition, since it's more ... synergistic.

---

YES YES YES, FINALLY, someone gets it!

I always get a little furstrated, when I am hearing this repetition of cp are like oppositions, cause they are not.
And you are also right, feels very complimentary.

I can only recommend the book by Paul Newman (the astrologer, not the actor) on the declinations, eye opener. Wow, it inspired me to research more and actually was the reason I made this thread here:
http://www.linda-goodman.com/ubb/Forum24/HTML/219137.html

Noone seems to really like it, but hey, I do. lol

Also what I failed to mention is that the solar festivals were more related to the declinations than longitudinal positions.

In the case of the equinoxes it does not matter, as 00 Aries and Libra coincides with 00 degree of declinations. same for 00 Cancer and Capricorn.

However the same is not true for Beltane and Samhain.

They SHOULD be at 15 Taurus and Scorpio (and consequently 15 Leo and Aquarius), but as a matter of fact they arenīt.
For example Samhain takes place when the Sun is approximately 8 Scorpio.

However in the declination it will be on 15 degree South, just as it should be.

posted October 20, 2013 06:53 PM            

So, it makes sense that he's the 'total Pluto' in our actual relationship, but astrologically, I apparently am.

It's my Pluto that's making aspects to his Proserpina (conjunction), parallel his Proserpina, and opposite.

How odd.

His Pluto's dwad is Aries; my Proserpina is in Aries. His Pluto is also parallel his Eros (which is conjunct his Moon), which is exactly on my Proserpina. He's natally a Proserpina-Moon, too. Tight.

I curiously have Proserpina parallel my Venus, too.

That's interesting.

posted October 20, 2013 06:53 PM            

why are you saying this?
Which questions did we not answer?
Maybe we overlooked them, in our enthusiasm to check our own charts.

Is it the question if he is your tf?

To be honest, I cannot answer that. Only you can.

The tricky thing is that sometimes the signs and symptoms can be very similiar with close soulmates, too.

But is it really so important to put a label on that?
The important thing, imo, is what you feel for him, and he feels for you, and how you express it to each other.

Speaking for myself, I can tell you how it feels to be around Mr Sag, how deeply he moves me, and how much I have been transforming after meeting him, and how much I enjoy being on that journey, as it never ceases to amaze me, but would I claim he is my Twinflame?

Well, if anyone else told me these symptoms, I probably would conclude exactly that.

However, curiouly enough, the moment I met him, this question ceased to matter to me.

It doesn`t really matter to me if he is a soulmate, twinflame, karmamate, earthmate, whatever.
It`s just words.

But what I know is that no matter what is going to happen, my life changed with him.

But if I refrain from calling him my Twinflame, I certainly couldnīt give any advice or opinion on that matter to someone else.

This is why I did not answer to thta question, not because I was ignoring you for some reason. I jsut can`t say.

I have actually come a long way to try to simply accept all of this without having a label for it. It still drives me crazy at times, as my Aqua Moon wants to analye it, categorize it, maybe to make it less "dangerous".
But on some level I have realized that it doesn`t matter how I call it.
What matters is the experience in the Now (and of course I like to satisfy my curiosity, or otherwise I wuold not post here so much. lol).

But it might be different for others. I am quite certain though only you know for sure if he is your TF or not.
If you are really in doubt about it, he most probably either isn`t your TF, or you raenīt ready for the realization yet.

As a matter of fact, the moment I layed eyes on Mr Sag, there was a quite panicky voice coming up from inside of me, exclaiming (inner voice of course): "No, no, no, NO! Not HIM! Not here! Not now! I am so not ready for this."

LOL

posted October 20, 2013 06:56 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by tgem:
@ Ceri and Indigo: my sincere apologies for invading your thread. I should have put my questions elsewhere.

---

Oh, no, not in the least! We just get going, and y'know as they say, can't get a word in edgewise. (Do we have Mercuries parallel? Haha.)

posted October 20, 2013 07:12 PM            

Would you both be so kind as to look over my post below and let me know if you think this is TF stuff going on? Thank you so much for including me ))

quote:

---

Originally posted by tgem:
@ Indigo and Ceri: Thank you so much for posting these similarities. I've been told the best way to get verification of a TF relationship, is to speak with people that are in bonefide TF relationships.

Here's our similarities- what do you think?
I was born at 8:22 AM...22 is a sign of a spiritual messenger.
We met on the 15th of the month (TF sign)
Our individual birthdays add up to a number that can be broken down to the number 11
We are 16 months apart and met under unusual circumstances in which I relocated to another state and rented a house 5 doors down from him
AND now the interesting stuff:
Physically we are mirrors of each other- both 6 feet tall and thin, he is dark hair, dark eyes and I am light hair, light eyes.
Both left handed, both born on a Monday, both have last names that are verbs.
Parallel lives: both had the same HS mascot (attended in different states,) both attended community college before transferring to 4 year college, both got married in the same year (to a spouse who tragically lost a parent,) both had children the same year, both have the same hobbies/tastes in music, food, sports, professional careers, and we both have only been sexually active with our spouses (what are the chances of that these days??!!)

I see his name EVERYWHERE- and it's not a common name! Along with other constant signs...

Astrologically we have Tons of Pluto and Saturn and a ton of DW's..without putting up the synastry here's a quick breakdown: (asteroids all under 3 orbs)
My name square his groom
My name conjunct his valentine
In my natal, his first conjunct his last, both opp. my
groom and EXACTLY trine my DSC
My eros trine his psyche
My Adonis conjunct his NN
His briede square my NN
My groom conjunct his NN
Union trine union exact
My Adonis square his Ishtar
My amor conjunct his valentine
Karma conjunct Osiris DW
Vesta and Pallas conjunct POF DW

Of course there's much more but those are the interesting ones.

So asking people who have bonefide experience with their TF's , what do you think? ...as a side note, I'm seeing the 11:11 ALL THE TIME!!!! Makes me think I've gone completely nuts!!!!!

....sorry for the long novel, but felt it was important! Thanks for reading

---

posted October 20, 2013 08:48 PM            

As to what you mean by non-astrological ... well ... here's my story.

I had a strange nightmare which came out of nowhere about a week before an equally bizarre dream, both last year around the Wintre Solstice, just as things were coming to a head, and I knew I would have to cease contact for awhile.

In the dream (which felt more like astral-travelling, to be frank) I did something I had never done before.

And there was something almost Inanna about it - the way I suddenly found myself inside the room of a house I didn't know (except that here, it was mine,) descending the stairs, removing clothing as I went, until I was finally outside; through the garage, down the steps, down the path ... I was naked, and I wasn't. Logically, removing all of my clothes would leave me naked. But I wasn't physically. Though I did 'feel naked'.

It was night. And I shouted up into the sky at the stars, in both terror and joy:

'I love you [his full name]! I will always love you!'

It was exhilarating. And, afterward, somehow, I knew I'd done something monumental, and somewhere, he knew it, and he heard me. (I wouldn't put it into actual words until four months later, however; as I began the 6-month estrangement.)

As I woke, however, I knew it was true. I'd been raging against it for 8 years, but it was true - undeniably true and unchanging. No level of love, or fate, or destiny would change that fact. (He had actually called me, just as I woke. I was so startled - he hadn't tried to call me for at least 3 weeks, as that's when things, again, were ... our communication was breaking down - I just stared at my phone as it rang.)

And for ME ... declaring ultimate unchanging - unconditional - love ... oh, wow, is that saying something.

Then I had the nightmare. A strange, symbolic thing. The details don't even matter. It was the feeling.

I'd gotten a call from him, and, as usual, stared at it, paralysed, and went to listen to the voicemail he invariably left. (Being a professional comic, they're always vastly entertaining; during the height of my breaking contact, he'd still call - and leave voicemails. He made the excuse of making me his 'audio diary', so that he could still communicate to me as we used to. That was actually deeply touching - though he'd be loath to admit it.)

So I went to listen to the voicemail, but I instead recognised his mother's voice. She sounded ... I don't have words for it. And, here, it was one of those sudden things, out of nowhere, with no preparation, and over immediately. Again, completely symbolic.

The long and short being ... well, it's how Fiona processed Lane's death in the project we were developing.

'In that moment, I ceased to exist. I had become a shade. What was once spirited and alive, was now cold and dead, merely breathing air and occupying space. But I was no longer.'

The passage came to me rather suddenly; I can't recall if I wrote it before or after. But that's what I can most closely relate it to.

I remember going outside and lying in the grass, staring at the sky. It honestly felt like my life had stopped. I could just stare at the sky for hours, or until someone moved me. I wanted to live in - stay in - that moment. Some kind of limbo in between seconds. Some space where nothingness existed, as I just suddenly felt like nothing.

It terrified me. But it was truthful.

No matter who I love, no matter how much, no matter the power of the passion or the depth of the emotion, I'll never forget that feeling. The way I suddenly ceased to exist because someone else was gone. The power that had over me.

I also knew I wasn't ready for it. Neither of us were - or are.

So, I can't express - just as Ceri said - what is, or isn't.

I can simply say this.

You just know. You know it with a certainty unlike anything else you've ever known. It's almost impossible to articulate, because it cuts through everything else: logic, sense, even sanity. It's automatic. It's something outside of what we understand - or can comprehend.

It's unlike anything I've ever known, have known since, and would wager I ever will. No matter the power or karma or bonding I experience with others, there's something here that can't be touched. It doesn't lessen the bonds of those in my life, either. It doesn't tarnish or diminish the love. This is ... beyond love.

If that makes sense? It probably doesn't. Heh.

It's just ... so hard to express.

posted October 21, 2013 05:08 AM            

I loved what you wrote. It echoes deeply within me, though in my case it is of course very onesided, so you never know if I am not simply utterly delusional. lol

For me during the last year there were two instances.

The first happened on 1.december (these things always take place on dates relating to the sequence of 3, maybe because the first time we saw each other was on the 3rd june 2006. Maybe because my lifepathnumber is 33, his is 3; I don`t know).

Both things were nothing big, externally nothing happened at all, just me getting in that weird athmospheric state of consciousness again, which I seem to be unable to prevent from happening when he is around sometimes.

In both cases he was actually on a stage.
In this first instance, I just recall being in that semitrance and after a while the realization dawned on me, that I was actually happy, I mean like deeply serenely at peace with everything, and that this was exactly where I was supposed to be, in THAT moment, that timeframe.

This was a big thing for me, as this feeling of "presence", or being present is new to me, and I only felt I was anchored in the physical reality, in the here and now, after I met him. It was bizarre actually.
I always felt more like belonging to the spirtual sphere than to the earthly realm. I only ever arrived here on that night 5 years ago, when we met. As I said, bizarre.

And usually my mind is anywhere, in the future, in the past, aparallel dimension, the astral, the whatever, the mirroruniverse from STar Trek. lol, but this experience of NOW and HERE, it is so totally new to me.

In a way it fits the Chakra test I once took. It said that while my upper chakras were quite open, in case of the crown chakra dangerously open and spinning a little out of control, it also said that my lower chakra, especially Root, sacral and to a degree also Solar chakra, were dangerously blocked and closed, and that I had no proper grounding at all.
(I sometimes muse if I became overweight that much to keep my body planted on the earth and keep my soul from simply flying away - whic would explain why i used to feel so dizzy most of the times, something that has ceased to happen, too. I just feel like me nowadays. here. Now. Me. PErfect. lol)

Anyway that was the one moment when I could not, could simply not keep that realization away anylonger, that at least for me, there was something really major going on. Even if just for me.

Maybe it also was influenced, cause during the break, he had been in my physical proximity pretty much all the time.
Since I donīt think he even remembers our meeting (though sometimes I am not sure, it is maybe me who WISHES he had forgotten that,. lol) and I basically always think he doesn`t remember me (I sometimes escape into this thinking even when he keeps on staring at me for minutes. lol); but anyway, him being in my physical proximity - it`s difficult to explain.
Feels like nearly passing out or entering a different state of mind, along with my inability to suddenly tell where he ends and I begin. Something about his aura I guess. Some strange sort of interchange. And yes, maybe I am delusional, but honestly, I would have picked someone else to be that delusional about, to conjure up these feelings, impressions in my mind.
He wasnīt on my list, not at all. He doesn`t strike me as very spiritual either, yet I am having all these weird experiences only related to him. Its bizarre. (I have a new favourite word. lol).

The second time I mentioned took place on 24th march (aha, another 3-squence-day ).
I was even hardly conscious about it, he was on stage again, and I was just being very much into the scenes, and not thinking at all, when suddenly from somewhere underneath, unbidden, yes, even unwelcome, and startlingly sudden, not just the feeling, but the electrically charged thought of: I love you.
Bubbled up. No shot up, before I could put the lid on it again. Just a thought, nothing I would have verbalized.
But I verbalized it in my mind, or something verbalized it, and it felt like a mental arrow aimed at him, and no, no, no, I never ever send him thoughts. Not with two Psyche`s in conjunction. I mean, you never know, right?

I was so shocked about that thought, that realization coming up in me, with me even hardly aware, until it was there at the surface.

Then he manged to shock me even more, cause the moment that thought was thought, or maybe even sent, he whirled on his heel, looked straight at me, started grinning and said: "I heard that. This time I heard that."

Of course it was just coincidence, part of the role, but boy, this kind of timing is shocking. lol
But seriously this thought was so close to the surface, it was scary.

Maybe I was just carried away. Or maybe I am just trying to find excuses. I donīt know.

posted October 21, 2013 05:36 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Ceridwen:
Can you do me a favour and look up the composites / Davisions for the twinflames again you posted?

And check for these soulmate pairings (within 2-3 degree orb only):

---

posted October 21, 2013 05:39 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by IndigoDirae:
I can echo everything that Ceri says. Everything.

---

Likewise

I agree, labels don't account for much at all; as long as you FEEL what you feel and have that inner knowing deep within you ~ and of course, being thankful for all the "good stuff" its brought you lol; the transformation, the renewal, the heart awakening/kundalini triggering, all the freaky synchs, the super-awesome "high" euphoric feelings, and of course the deepest of pain/fears too, the knowledge/awareness you have now that you didn't have before they came into your life, etc...

As a whole, this experience is beyond precious, honestly, I feel so much gratitude for all that it has taught me and allowed me to experience, regardless of the label. To say how much it has expanded/transformed me as a person, my beliefs, and my outlook on life (and is still continuing onto doing so) isn't even enough to describe its impact on me and what it means to me <3

posted October 21, 2013 06:19 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Ceridwen:
Indigo,

I loved what you wrote. It echoes deeply within me, though in my case it is of course very onesided, so you never know if I am not simply utterly delusional. lol

For me during the last year there were two instances.

The first happened on 1.december (these things always take place on dates relating to the sequence of 3, maybe because the first time we saw each other was on the 3rd june 2006. Maybe because my lifepathnumber is 33, his is 3; I don`t know).

Both things were nothing big, externally nothing happened at all, just me getting in that weird athmospheric state of consciousness again, which I seem to be unable to prevent from happening when he is around sometimes.

In both cases he was actually on a stage.
In this first instance, I just recall being in that semitrance and after a while the realization dawned on me, that I was actually happy, I mean like deeply serenely at peace with everything, and that this was exactly where I was supposed to be, in THAT moment, that timeframe.

This was a big thing for me, as this feeling of "presence", or being present is new to me, and I only felt I was anchored in the physical reality, in the here and now, after I met him. It was bizarre actually.
I always felt more like belonging to the spirtual sphere than to the earthly realm. I only ever arrived here on that night 5 years ago, when we met. As I said, bizarre.

And usually my mind is anywhere, in the future, in the past, aparallel dimension, the astral, the whatever, the mirroruniverse from STar Trek. lol, but this experience of NOW and HERE, it is so totally new to me.

In a way it fits the Chakra test I once took. It said that while my upper chakras were quite open, in case of the crown chakra dangerously open and spinning a little out of control, it also said that my lower chakra, especially Root, sacral and to a degree also Solar chakra, were dangerously blocked and closed, and that I had no proper grounding at all.
(I sometimes muse if I became overweight that much to keep my body planted on the earth and keep my soul from simply flying away - whic would explain why i used to feel so dizzy most of the times, something that has ceased to happen, too. I just feel like me nowadays. here. Now. Me. PErfect. lol)

Anyway that was the one moment when I could not, could simply not keep that realization away anylonger, that at least for me, there was something really major going on. Even if just for me.

Maybe it also was influenced, cause during the break, he had been in my physical proximity pretty much all the time.
Since I donīt think he even remembers our meeting (though sometimes I am not sure, it is maybe me who WISHES he had forgotten that,. lol) and I basically always think he doesn`t remember me (I sometimes escape into this thinking even when he keeps on staring at me for minutes. lol); but anyway, him being in my physical proximity - it`s difficult to explain.
Feels like nearly passing out or entering a different state of mind, along with my inability to suddenly tell where he ends and I begin. Something about his aura I guess. Some strange sort of interchange. And yes, maybe I am delusional, but honestly, I would have picked someone else to be that delusional about, to conjure up these feelings, impressions in my mind.
He wasnīt on my list, not at all. He doesn`t strike me as very spiritual either, yet I am having all these weird experiences only related to him. Its bizarre. (I have a new favourite word. lol).

The second time I mentioned took place on 24th march (aha, another 3-squence-day ).
I was even hardly conscious about it, he was on stage again, and I was just being very much into the scenes, and not thinking at all, when suddenly from somewhere underneath, unbidden, yes, even unwelcome, and startlingly sudden, not just the feeling, but the electrically charged thought of: I love you.
Bubbled up. No shot up, before I could put the lid on it again. Just a thought, nothing I would have verbalized.
But I verbalized it in my mind, or something verbalized it, and it felt like a mental arrow aimed at him, and no, no, no, I never ever send him thoughts. Not with two Psyche`s in conjunction. I mean, you never know, right?

I was so shocked about that thought, that realization coming up in me, with me even hardly aware, until it was there at the surface.

Then he manged to shock me even more, cause the moment that thought was thought, or maybe even sent, he whirled on his heel, looked straight at me, started grinning and said: "I heard that. This time I heard that."

Of course it was just coincidence, part of the role, but boy, this kind of timing is shocking. lol
But seriously this thought was so close to the surface, it was scary.

Maybe I was just carried away. Or maybe I am just trying to find excuses. I donīt know.

---

Wow!
I am astonished at what you wrote about your experiences.
I can relate to some of them, especially the chakra-thing.
Some time ago I took a test too and my crown chakra was the only one that was wide open; it was over-active rather , while the rest were either moderate or not functioning properly at all, especially my base chakra, that was the weakest one of all.
I still need to work on it though.

And lol trust me, I'm pretty sure that he def. remembers the meeting too, especially if you mentioned how he was in your physical proximity for most of the time and kept staring at you, and looked right at you from stage when you were thinking that thought.

You are not delusional at all, although I can understand why you may feel that way. I myself have had my fare share of doubts about it too, thinking I was imagining it all and taking things way too far, which then made me try to block him out energetically, but that was impossible to do, especially with that Psyche/Psyche conjunction
I even tried attempting the cord-cutting thing as well, but I wasn't able to carry on with it. I had to stop midway because the pain was too excruciating and unbearable for me; it made my heart chakra feel the type of pain as if you were trying to cut off a limb of yours.
So I just left it alone then and stopped resisting againt the connection.
The insecurities and ego-stuff still came up from time-to-time, but I have been proven dead-wrong, time and time again that I wasnt imagining it.
And astrology was just a confirmation for me that this is infact very real.

posted October 21, 2013 07:51 AM            

Sigh.

I'm not sure how my heart became entrenched in such a mess as this. Must be the 12H. Venus Virgo would never be so bloody foolhardy.

As I've already stated my experience of my twin, that's not under fire. It simply is. In fact, my acceptance of where we are at this time has rather liberated my mind to return to a previous unresolved relationship which takes the forefront now.

He left a few hours ago; every time, I go through this strange production of feeling. I enjoy his company, am both elated and engaged, enthralled even, and, before he leaves, there's always this pervasive awkwardness, followed by an inevitable disappointment. Just not really quite understanding it.

As, you pointed out very cleverly, Ceri, we're certainly not friends. Maybe we had to learn how to be, though. But that's just it. A few years have passed now. It's ... different. And very clearly a special and relevant karma. I'd call him a companion soul - but some other kind. A clear soul mate; there isn't any doubt of that. It just goes deeper. Hell, were it not for Fate, I'd be thinking he's my twin. How's that for frightening?

Except I still have that drop-everything-and-go automatic switch with him. It's dangerous if that gets flipped. Not only would I be betraying my husband, (who's said several times I ought to go, given what we are - which is incredibly thoughtful and evolved, no?) but I'd be betraying him, too. Augh! And I CAN'T do that.

So I'm kind of relieved it's not obsessing and consuming me at this time. Oh, sure, I'm pouring a lot into my Hatter, which isn't necessarily all that bright, either. At least I'm not just running from everyone and everything as usual. Actually allowing myself to feel my emotions. Novel concept, that.

Things have ... they're different than they were. I find myself beginning to desire on a deep level, returning to the intimate relationship we had a few years ago. He's ... oh, he's confusing. On the one hand, (Aries Moon-Eros-BML-Nymphe in my 8H opposite my Sun-Pluto-BML conjunct his Mars after all) he's doing the best he can with it being a constant battle to stay in touch with his emotions. It doesn't help we're both schizoid; though we have an intense 'reconnecting' effect upon each other. That, as always, happened, too.

But, oh, God, the awkwardness. The close embrace followed by the breaking apart just enough so that there's still only several inches between us, and ...

... Stop.

Yes, he loves to linger there. Doing - saying - nothing. Just sort of half grinning. Full eye contact. I always, ALWAYS have to eventually say SOMETHING. It's almost always contrived. Something about it being a lovely evening, or further appreciation for dinner, or reaffirmation of something discussed - never emotionally charged.

I can never tell if he's relieved for the broken silence. I just know several seconds of it, hovering in that state of odd, romantic limbo, is excruciating. It's as if he's always debating, always wondering, always thinking about it. And it never happens. He's fully switched out of 'lover' mode by that point; for the past few years, it's not really been reintroduced, so it's just so bizarrely awkward.

But it's ALWAYS been that way. It wasn't like he couldn't kiss me. Hell, he could now. He never does. He just lingers instead, holding us both in this horrible awkwardness. Augh!

I'm near to my wit's end, but I remind myself: after being totally destroyed by Fate and becoming what I have as I've remade myself ....

Okay. It could still hurt. A LOT.

Of course, I desperately want to trust his words - which he only reiterated tonight. It's not me; it's just how he is. He doesn't mean to be so distant. All right, that last part I'll believe. But the rest?

Maybe he is just suddenly terrified of physical intimacy again. Maybe, since we were new to each other, it felt differently. But we haven't been novel for a few years now. He's helped me through abusive periods with my husband, the loss of dear friends, Fate breaking my heart into smithereens, and countless bouts of anger, sadness, frustration and anxiety. But, hey, so have I.

So maybe this has made us 'friends'. But we were once lovers simply terrified to be in love. He's said a few times now this year that he loves me. Nor has he suddenly 'forgotten' having done so (he did that once; so had Fate). That's encouraging.

And, frankly, everything with Fate has rather prepared me for this. It's as if I'm not as afraid as I was. Hell, I'm even ready for an intimate relationship. I hadn't been the first time around. And, naturally, now that I am ... oh, it's frustrating. His words saying this, but his actions ....

Maybe he does want this, too, and is flummoxed as to how to start. I thought I've been rather forward, but we'll see. I couldn't have been more clear in the email I wrote to him just an hour ago. We shall see.

Augh. Bloody Psyche parallel Eros. I blame it among other things. Like Venus-Pluto DW. Moon-Neptune DW. Sun-Moon DW, too. Good God.

Oh. And Alice-Madhatter. 'Cause WTF not?

Argh. Love. I suck at 'love'.

posted October 21, 2013 08:33 AM            

Anyway I wanted to post the composite and Davison with Mr Sag, even though it is nowwhere as exciting as the one with Mr Law (well, a lot of stop and go, if i think of that Saturn-Uranus. lol)

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posted October 21, 2013 08:59 AM            

As for my musings.
You may have noticed how i started discussing Mr Law`s chart again, though I haven`t done so for months.
Sure maybe it is cause I am going to see him in 2 months on stage (damn it I need to get a trainticket. lol).

But honestly, I think I am clinging to this chart, this chartcomparision, cause it is less dangerous. No matter what the charts say, or karma or whatever, he very certainly is not the one haunting my mind.
He is an emotional safety net, in a way. A way to avoid getting into deep with my true feelings.

And Mr Sag, no matter how delusional I may be (but I agree Lavnder Crystal, I am probably not that delusional in this instance), he is too near and too close. I am meaning geographical even.

And from the moment we met, he simply slipped through every kind of defense mechanism I had, and I thought it would lessen, it would fade, if I see him more often (which is why I spent this year going to several concerts, plays, events of his, whatever -a nd also for some reason he has been doing such a lot practically in my neighbourhood or very easy to get there, even for me, who does not have a car - the temptation was too great).

But my plan did not work. It did not lessen, I did not get bored (I ALWAYS get bored, always step back after a fine nice little infatuation phase - usually a weekend or a month. lol- ).
In fact everytime I see him it seems to be stronger, I feel more deeply, everything, and yes also the pain, but even the pain feels worthwile, which does not make sense at al I guess.
And everytime I see him, it becomes more difficult, more impossible to leave without speaking to him.
Almost like we are two planets and passing each other more closely with every pass, until a collision will be unavoidable.

Well, I even have a datee for that collision (or some colliding), the 23rd november, as I somehow managed to manoever me into a corner there, by unwittingly unkowingly buying a ticket for something, which entails an After show event with small talk and cocktails, which I honestly did not know when buying the ticket. Otherwise I wouldnīt have bought it.
*sighs* I guess I am not getting out of that corner so easily now.

Will it lesson after that event? Becoming totally boring and uninteresting?
Will I stop sensing his presence around me at the most impossible of times?

It is hilarious, ironical, that I should be experiencing that.
I never really believed that you can be driven by compulsive feelings for someone that you jsut can`t switch off if you want to.
Deep inside my little arrogant Aqua Moon was always convinced, that you can switch off, push aside EVERY feeling, if you just want to enough.

This time - maybe I just lack the willpower to get myself up and move away from that.
I tried (I mean there is not even anything to talk about right? No relationship, no friendship, no nothing), it felt like I was dying.
Like I was trying to rip out my own soul.

I am not dramatic like that when it comes to emotional stuff. I am balanced, levelheaded, reasonable.

Just not now. Not ever since he crossed my path.

No, I do not understand it. But since staying away apparently is not a good solution for the major depression it brings, ther is probably just this one way, taking it one step at a time of course. Maybe I will pass him one day, and leave him behind.
But not now, for some reason he seems to be meant to be in my life, or at least in my heart for now.

What a pathetic state for an Aquarius Moon to find herself in!

posted October 21, 2013 04:49 PM            

(it was very uncharacteristic of me to be aproaching him, asI donīt do these things normally; but to be honest I didn`t feel like I had any say int hat matter. )

Anyway just from a short glance I saw that on this day there was this going on:

° Siva conjunct Parvati (1), which was conjunct our progressed composite`s ASC and Kaali (in Pisces)

°Mahakali conjunct Kaali (2) in 7th house, and conjunct Mercury in Gemini

To be honest this is giving me goosebumps, especially since.

Tr Mahakali was conjunct my natal Mahakali by 2 degrees and Transiting Tara was conjunct my natal Tara exact (which mean I was having a Tara-Return that night)

(interestingly enough my Shakespeare is around this degree of Mahakali as well).

° Siva contraparallel Kaali

° Isis contraparallel (and semisextile) Osiris, the cp was extremely tight, and Tr Osiris was conjunct our composite NN exact

° Adonis sextile Astarte exact and cp Inannen

While there was technically no Eros-Psyche-aspect in the sky that night, at that time

my pr Psyche was conjunct his natal Eros (1 degree applying)

and Transiting Psyche was opposite our composite ERos
Transiting Psyche also was conjunct our pr composite Amor.

in the progressed composite there was a conjunction of MOon and Psyche, which naturally fell onto both pr Psyches, but ALSO onto his natal Eros.

Oh and not enough, pr composite Eros was exactly square both natal and of course the composite Psyche.

On that night Tr Venus was conjunct pr comp. Eros.

oh and pr composite Cupido was trine both natal and composite Psyche.

Just a short peek, but wow, something`s was really up in the sky this night, and especially in relation to our composite. lol

And I did not even mention the fact that Tr Jupiter was on composite Moon and Tr Juno on composite Sun.

Oh and transiting Karma?
Conjunct Davison DESC exact.

posted October 21, 2013 06:44 PM            

Love. This business is for the birds. I miss my wall. I miss the ignorant bliss of not caring; always being able to be dispassionate one way or another. If so, oh, good; I got what I 'wanted'. If not, eh; that's how it goes.

I'm pretty sure I've refreshed my email app over a dozen times in less than 2 hours. A dozen! Me! This is obscene.

My husband is proud of me. Facing my emotions and all that rot. Augh. I want him to be happy, too. I want to be there for him in the strong, capable role in which he needs me.

But I've become so ... weak.

This man unearthed bits of my psyche I'd so expertly excised as to be no longer existent. Bloody 8H Suns. It'd be one thing if my mind were mired in fantasy. Instead, I can't escape the memories I'd been so careful to bury. Augh! I'd done the equivalent of mentally burning them in effigy. They should not exist. They should NOT be haunting me.

What the bleeding hell is going on? Why am I completely unhinged? Is it just too much for too long that this came along and toppled the house of cards?

Dear God. Beware all persons with an active Madhatter; all I can say. It seems to be as it was written. THEIR madness drives YOU INSANE.

Apparently, if it's parallel your Alice, all the more wonderful. She said, tongue firmly stapled to cheek.

I don't even know what I'm on about anymore. I've steadily become further deprived of sleep since the month began ( ... longer?) and I'm now resorted to chemical inducement during daylight hours in feeble hopes I'll sleep through until tomorrow.

AUGH! I can't explain; you would not understand.

THIS IS NOT HOW I AM.

I'm far from numb or comfortable, though. Damn this all to hell and - why did I say anything? Further, WHY CAN'T I LET IT BLOODY GO? HE has. I think. He can at least wall himself off so securely as to be in his safe proximity.

Until he isn't.

My fingertips have memories. (And, minds of their own, which are, of course, as restrained and aware as my own, but that's beside the point.)

I can distinctly recall, with a bizarre and astonishing clarity, the terrible crispness of the fabric of his shirt; he'd so suddenly leant into me, so completely close and yet so entirely away. Into me, but against me. Away from me, still, somehow. So that my fingers found a lovely position against his chest, along his shoulder; as he leant against me, facing away. An intimacy, to him; a sudden, bewildering, undeniable act of intimacy.

Pale blue, like his eyes. A very good match for them; he's got a knack for colour. But too firm, too perfectly pressed, too bloody rigid. Not at all soft, but very smooth. Warm, as it's all that remained between him and me. That overly pressed, immaculate, impenetrable wall.

I want to be swept away in a glance; for the several seconds in between to be a mysterious whirlwind in which we're both carried off to some bizarre, terribly passionate destination. If even for a mere few minutes.

I long for those days. I miss them dearly now. I thought they'd never leave, and when they did, a part of me was carried off with them. I remain bereft of it still.

In my mind, I've expressed my regret many times. My remorse for ever denying him that which he wanted most of me, which he respected so completely as to allow his own desire to fall away, become lost to some oblivion where I fear it can't even be retrieved.

Dear God, what did I do? I was trying to do things right. It's so hard to manage that in such peculiar arrangements of relating.

I feel he's lost to me, and I simply have arrived to the point I most feared. The point at which I long to surrender to, be consumed by him, by it, by us, by what we create merely by existing in the same space.

The fact I want this may be what scares me most.

I'm sure to some degree (as my husband has stated) I was hiding in my devotion to my twin. While it needed to happen as it did (just as my husband and I needed to marry for practical reasons - unrelated to any sort of pregnancy, I'll add, but very much to secure a 'base' for my stepdaughter, whom I love to a staggering degree) I was hiding.

From this.

He destroyed me first, that November. Just a month and some change before I'd gotten married. He destroyed a part of me I hadn't recovered until now.

Now I remember why I buried it.

I wish I'd said nothing last night. Nothing at all. Faced nothing. Stayed quiet and refrained and subtly suggestive and simply receptive. I wish I'd not said I want it, I miss it; I don't understand why we haven't returned to it.

I want to say I feel so undesirable, and it cuts me on a level I didn't know existed (until my twin demolished it, of course; I learnt it did quite quickly after that.) How confused and lost I am. How terribly ironic it is that me, in my infinite intellectualisation could be driven mad by so basic a thing as raw sexuality.

Ha! Sex therapist, indeed. Physician, heal thyself.

But I keep trying to. I'm so adept at dispensing advice. Taking it, that's always a horse of a different colour.

I can't shut it out anymore; God, a part of me refuses. I can't distance and deny and refuse and NOT feel. Anymore. He's been woeful over a similar thing, but not like THIS. See, HE can still shut out THIS.

And I fear, as before, it's going to destroy us. He's just not ... it's so different now. And I can't shut it out anymore.

WHY, I don't know. It floors me. WHY he can be on about far-reaching philosophical concepts and highfalutin ideological trifles, and I suddenly have the overwhelming need to be so very close to him - overtaken by him, no longer separate and apart from him, but connected, bonded, in every possible way.

I hate it. Because I know it's going to destroy me.

There I am, yet again, as before, playing Russian roulette with him swearing the gun isn't even loaded, but he keeps it trained upon me and I can't move out of the damned way.

I hate this. I wish I'd said nothing. Then I can hide. Still. I can - I KNOW - the intensity will fade. THEN I'd be okay. Instead ... it's going to be January all over again. What he'd already wrecked, my husband had weakened to the point of disintegration, which Fate then destroyed, and I ended up nothing. Just nothing. For months.

Oh, God, I wish I'd said nothing last night. I've done a horrible thing and I can't relax. I don't even want to check my email anymore. I don't want to know. I can't handle it. Nice words, vows and oaths to the contrary, with the brief encouragement and sense of closure which leads me to keep trying. Only to be followed yet again by inaction. Rinse and repeat.

posted October 21, 2013 06:56 PM            

I was having PC issues with my move, I had to leave the area for a while....
I gave fishy my password, to see if it will boot up a little later...
I told him my password, he started laughing, he said I can't believe it, he said it's just amazing.... I said what???
He said that's my exact password!!!!
Exactly....
It doesn't have any meaning...
Basically the password is a date, no important thing...
When I changed the password, I used that's days date, but in a specific format to including Capitol, words and numbers...
He did the exact same thing...
So short version, we both changed our password on the same day, and just used the date as the password...

posted October 21, 2013 07:39 PM            

Hear me when I say ...

They don't mind at all.

It's the rain that I hear coming; not a stranger, not a ghost.
It's the quiet of the storm approaching that I fear the most.
It's the pain that I hear coming;
The slightest crystal tear,
Falls to the ground in silence when my love is near.

Darling, when?
When did you fall?
When was it over?
Darling, when?
When did you call?
I couldn't hear you.

I suppose it is the price of falling in love.

It's marching through my door now,
The stoney cold of lonesome.
A bell tolls for my heart,
And now my lonesome song begins.

Darling, when?
When did you fall?
When was it over?
Darling, when?
When did you cry?
When was it over?

I suppose it is the price of falling in love.

I fear it is the price of falling in love.

'Innocente' by Delerium.