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From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
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posted January 09, 2011 08:46 PM            

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What is FUNNY is that that is the ONE part *I* did not throw away.
That is funny,isn't it?
I became the opposite,I valued my sexuality like a diamond and I ,still,do.

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Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
Pluto conjunct Deja ,Bruh.

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posted January 09, 2011 08:48 PM            

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The reason I valued my sexuality was that my Grandmother taught me to be a lady.
That meant something to me and it still does.
I love old fashioned things.
My grandmother was so precious to me that I MUST honor her with my life.

So, for all I went through,I always retained my sexuality as precious.

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Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
Pluto conjunct Deja ,Bruh.

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posted January 09, 2011 08:49 PM            

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I didn't tell you ALL I went through.I will save that for another time.
It takes so much energy and I am not up for it ,now,but I promise I will tell you about my mother .

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Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
Pluto conjunct Deja ,Bruh.

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posted January 09, 2011 08:51 PM            

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For now, do not let anyone deter you from writing.
You are safe ,here, always.
I PROMISE.
OK?
You can hold me to it.
I promise on things we both hold sacred. You know what they are.
OK?
I dont know if you did not feel safe but if you did not,I promise you are

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Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
Pluto conjunct Deja ,Bruh.

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From: Pluto, next to Ami Ann
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posted January 09, 2011 08:58 PM            

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tinkerbell, if you havent read some of my earlier posts on sweet peas, then i will tell you this...when i was a little girl i was molested (not raped) by a neighbor who the neighborhood called "The Candy Man". in my teenage years i was barely in any relationships and the few relationships i have had i had sex way too soon....i have changed since then, becoming more self "aware" (i guess is a good word for it). i have grown, faced it and let it go...sometimes i fall back into my "teenage habits" (i wont say what those are) so i totally understand how you have sex to feel like you are worth something...well you know what tink? you are worth the world...if you realize that you can conquer anything

here are a couple of links to the threads if you care to read
http://www.linda-goodman.com/ubb/Forum27/HTML/000089.html

gah, i cant find the other thread where i talked about the candy man

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put your foot down once, not stomp it over and over

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posted January 09, 2011 10:00 PM            

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Thanks for the thread Nicki I'll read ASAP and thanks Amy you do make me feel safe : )

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be who you are and say what you feel cos those who matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter!

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posted January 09, 2011 10:11 PM            

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i wish i could find the other thread where i talked about the candy man indepth..i'll have to look deeper once i get off the phone

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posted January 09, 2011 10:28 PM            

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whoohoo found it!!
http://www.linda-goodman.com/ubb/Forum27/HTML/000088.html

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posted January 10, 2011 12:02 AM            

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I read the thread you posted Nicki. What seems to me to be something common to all our experiences is the ambivalence of feelings. That's one thing I've thought a lot about. I think the reason why it feels good at the time is because it is a quasi relationship ... like a relationship in every way except for the love. I loved my father and I was IN love with him too. I mean, where did that come from? It's the one thing that is hardest for me to understand.

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be who you are and say what you feel cos those who matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter!

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posted January 10, 2011 12:12 AM            

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I think there's a kind of dynamic to abuse where both abuser and abused play out roles ... The reason why I yielded to my father is as follows: He played on my sympathy by saying that he couldn't help it, but he had fallen in love with his own daughter. And he said, I wish you weren't my daughter. So I thought what had happened was that he had really never loved anyone as much as he loved me. However, very soon after I discovered that literally this is what he says to all the girls. Shortly after we came back from Europe my father started dating other women (much to my surprise) and he ended up marrying a girl who was 24 years old at the time ... so she was six years older than me as I was 18. Anyway of course she didn't know about me and him, and actually my father juggled me and his bride to be for a couple of months after our return home ...Anyway one day she was driving me somewhere and talking to me about her relationship with my dad and she said "You know what, he already said he loves me!" and I was like inwardly, "Welcome to the club". By that time I had come to realize that my so called father truly was a regular Don Juan and he literally couldn't distinguish between his own flesh and blood and whomever else. In fact he was like that to everyone in his life ... he had that quality which many abusers naturally seem to have ... a carefree charisma and something which, when it is focused on you, makes you feel like a million dollars, untill that spotlight turns in another direction and you're left feeling as if you're coming down from heroin and you've gotta have that spotlight on you again. I think it's like in the animal kingdom where sometimes prey get hypnotized by the predator.

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be who you are and say what you feel cos those who matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter!

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posted January 10, 2011 12:34 AM            

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I'll reply to the theme of the thread you posted here, but only briefly, because why I'm embarrassed to admit that my ultimate sexual fantasy is to just be tortured to death. Really I should never take up masochism because I would allow just about anyone to kill me. I've often thought, mmm, I wonder how I can get in touch with a viscious sadistic serial killer? Seriously, although I encouraged my sexual partners to "abuse" me sexually the only kind of abuse I really ended up with was me feeling sorry for them constantly and continuing relationships because I felt sorry for the person being head over heels in love with me. Whereas actually I was just being a perfect mirror to whatever they wanted to see. Actually I guess I abused too ... the situation, in the following way ... I became exactly what a person loves most, and then that person would love me. Another short story or more like a symbolic fairy tale I wanted to write once was a story of a girl who accidentally swallows a piece of mirror, and it lodges in her heart, and the result of it is that from then on whenever anyone saw her, they would actually see themselves in the mirror in her heart and fall in love with themselves thinking it was her, and so the poor girl suffered terribly because everyone was always very possessive of her but no-one ever knew the real her. Well I could never think of an end to that story.
As for me, since I've now been celibate for half a dozen years, I'm free to abuse myself all I like. Haha. Actually not funny at all. What I mean is in the past I went through a period of actually physically hurting myself, for example burning myself with cigarettes etc. Of course on drugs I also starved myself. I can't even begin to list the ways in which I have to re-enact my misery. Like I said at the start of this thread my real problem is that I'm really really suicidal. I was reading the thread about people who had lost loved ones and I can't feel anything at all because death to me is what I desire most. Even though I've resolved to NOT kill myself I still find relief in the fantasy. Anyway I've realized I've got to snap out my masochism. Easier said than done. In some ways I guess my disregard for my own comfort serves me well because I can push myself hard in areas like work or exercize or study etc. On the other hand though I just never can cut myself any slack. It's just impossible. Nothin I do is ever good enough for me. I'll only be happy when I'm perfect. Crazy huh?

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be who you are and say what you feel cos those who matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter!

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posted January 10, 2011 07:34 AM            

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I am gonna come back later and study and mediate on your posts, Fatinkerbel.
Thank you for trusting enough to share these deep and VERY scary things.
When I first started,I was literally shaking when I did.
It is not easy.It takes a lot of courage.
That courage will help you heal

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Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
You must face the dregs of Nessus to touch the joy and beauty of Neptune.
Me

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posted January 10, 2011 11:02 AM            

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Man
fatinkerbel
You are so honest.I am inspired by that.This is my sense of what MIGHT help.
Obviously,you have many layers to dig up from .
That is not gonna happen ,ovenight.
It would be silly to give you some platitude and send you on your way.

You know,someone,here,said that to me.He said,"I will never tell you platitudes"
Hmmmmm

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posted January 10, 2011 11:06 AM            

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OK, consider this,Fatinkerbel.
Consider looking at your fathers synastry with you.
I FEEL you should do this as the next step.
Your healing will be in small, slow steps ,if it is anything like mine.
I think it will be cuz all healing is the same.
You UNDO what was done to you.
You unlock it and banish from the realms of yourself it has lodged in ,as it's domain.

The concept is simple but the doing is hard cuz it is painful.
HOWEVER,not healing is painful, too.Being numb is the worst, to me.

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Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
You must face the dregs of Nessus to touch the joy and beauty of Neptune.
Me

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posted January 10, 2011 11:43 AM            

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quote:

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Originally posted by fatinkerbel:
I read the thread you posted Nicki. What seems to me to be something common to all our experiences is the ambivalence of feelings. That's one thing I've thought a lot about. I think the reason why it feels good at the time is because it is a quasi relationship ... like a relationship in every way except for the love. I loved my father and I was IN love with him too. I mean, where did that come from? It's the one thing that is hardest for me to understand.

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I haven't read this entire thread, just bits at the beginning and at the end so forgive me if I repeat something that has already been said. Firstly your being in love with your father I believe is a defense mechanism of your basic human primitive instincts. You know the fight or flight thing. Well this falls into that category. I've heard of kidnapped children falling in love with their captors because of this. I believe the brain shuts down and does whatever it can to survive. It's horrifying enough to hear these stories of abuse and one can only imagine what it's like to actually live it. This is why it's hard to tell someone who has never been abused about the horrors you have encountered. Something somewhere in your brain clicks going into this survival mode which makes it hard for us to understand later. I think the fact that you grew up without your father and didn't really know him prior your experience with him made it easier for your brain to associate him with feelings of love. Kind of like abusive relationships where the victim keeps returning to their abusive partner because they "love" them. (I put love in quotes because I don't believe love can actually exist in these circumstances.)

I don't know if going to a therapist will help you, or if you've tried. Posting here is definitely therapy of some sort. Telling your story allows you to let it go a little bit more.

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posted January 10, 2011 12:07 PM            

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edit.

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Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
You must face the dregs of Nessus to touch the joy and beauty of Neptune.
Me

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posted January 10, 2011 12:24 PM            

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The thing I will leave you with for the moment is that your healing will take time.
With God--ALL things are possible.
Hang on to that hope.
I have yet to tell you what my mother did to me.
I will soon.I just am not ready to experience the pain of telling it, at the moment,in a public setting.
I would tell you,privately,if you contact me.
I say this just to say that *I* am healing so you can,too.
Your fantasies are just a reflection of your abuse,nothing bad about you as a person

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Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
You must face the dregs of Nessus to touch the joy and beauty of Neptune.
Me

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posted January 10, 2011 05:45 PM            

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Here's my father's chart ... I don't know his birth-time so I put his ascendent at Aries so the houses won't be accurate. I don't really know how to do a synastry chart. You can do it for me if you don't mind Ami or if you're too busy take your time ... you know I don't like to think about this. I feel like I'm invoking him and I hate that ...

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be who you are and say what you feel cos those who matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter!

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posted January 10, 2011 05:47 PM            

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quote:

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Originally posted by littlecloud:
Firstly your being in love with your father I believe is a defense mechanism of your basic human primitive instincts. You know the fight or flight thing. Well this falls into that category. I've heard of kidnapped children falling in love with their captors because of this. I believe the brain shuts down and does whatever it can to survive.

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be who you are and say what you feel cos those who matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter!

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posted January 10, 2011 05:49 PM            

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Littlecloud yes I am in therapy actually ... I started about a year ago. I know about the syndrome you're talking about ... I even knew the name of it but I've forgotten it. Brains are stupid.

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be who you are and say what you feel cos those who matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter!

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posted January 10, 2011 05:52 PM            

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I am gonna do it slowly, Fatinkerbel.I need to think and meditate on things. It is my pleasure and honor to do it.
Thank you for putting it up

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Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
You must face the dregs of Nessus to touch the love and beauty of Neptune.
Me

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posted January 10, 2011 05:56 PM            

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omg...i literally felt sick even from just glancing at that chart, tink...if his moon is in the 12th then i suppose that would explain some things because that means his emotions are hidden...so IMO he would be detached or "muddy," as one of my favorite adjectives, to a point so that he doesnt or cant feel what he is doing, like he doesnt care if he hurts another human being

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posted January 10, 2011 07:28 PM            

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fatinkerbel- Not sure if I offended you or anything. If I did I'm sorry.

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posted January 11, 2011 12:04 AM            

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littlecloud no worries I'm never offended ... !!! I am unoffendable. Really. I tend to be a little dour when I'm in a hurry and I don't know which emoticons to pick so I sound kinda bland but I really appreciated your comment. I'm sorry if I gave the impression that I'd been offended !! Just remember for the future I really tend to agree with what everyone says... This morning I was in a hurry because my classes start at 9 Korean time and so I'm usually trying to get into a "strict teacher" mood. But actually I'm
<a href="http://icanhascheezburger.com/2010/12/27/funny-

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posted January 11, 2011 12:04 AM            

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uhm ... trying that again ...

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