posted November 08, 2010 03:57 AM            

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I really don't like it when people jump to conclusions and quickly think or say, well you wouldnt have attracted them in, if it wasnt in you. I dont think the quirk also has to be in the other person, but could just be an opportunity to learn something and grow from. Am I making sense?

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I can't stick around, but I was worried that I'd put it across that way, when it wasn't intended. I was just looking at myself, with the whole mirror thing, nobody else. I don't see any of you as weak (at all) - that was my point (that you aren't weak) - but I've lived out of the victim mentality myself, at times, when I should have been doing the work. That's what I was referring to. Of course, my mother was anything but weak, and she attracted the guys that I mentioned before.

posted November 08, 2010 04:08 AM            

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I'm not sure that I attracted someone because I was weak, I wonder sometimes if I attracted him because I was strong, and therefore an ultimate challenge.
I feel like a horse that can't be broken.
You know? They say you have to 'break a horses spirit' for it to be compliant. For it to be truly tamed, you have to take the wild out of it.
And you can't do that to me, and I think that draws alot of power freaks who think they can be 'that one'.

I know this because I've had guys I barely know say, "if you were my girlfriend, you wouldn't do this or that, or you would KNOW the rules and follow them, or else!"

See what I'm getting at?

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I wasn't calling you weak - I'm sorry it came across that way, and I do see what you mean. I meant to erase that bit, because I was afraid it would come out that way. I do see what you're saying, I was just looking at myself. I remember feeling scared of the possibilities, because my Mother was so strong - not a weak bone in her body - that I thought I'd look like a walking invitation for abuse, with my shyness/anxiety hitting me. Never mind that when I actually attracted someone (more than the guys who scared me on the street), they were usually sweet and genuine. I didn't trust them to stay that way, or I was afraid that something in myself might bring out the worst in them.

Frankly, I wish I'd just jumped into relationships right away, when I was feeling wary, because I don't put up with anything like that. I was just worried about anything happening once I was emotionally invested - worried that I might become submissive - when my family would have had me out of there in a flash, had anything happened. I thought I was being smart, but I wasn't - not really. I told someone here, yesterday, that one reason I wanted a specific type of regression (LBL - I can't afford it at the moment), in the hopes that I would find out that I needed to go through certain things (like agoraphobia and taking the longer route to recovery in that and SA/PTSD), but I think I'll probably find out that isn't the case. I really lost myself for a while there, when it came to the world and my place in it, and I've been right back there in the past year. (Mostly other issues, not this one.) I'd like to think that things are happening as they should, but I don't believe it. (The only way I feel better about any of it, is to imagine the types of mistakes I would have made, had my life been more normal since nothing's perfect.)

posted November 08, 2010 05:22 AM            

The basic thing you all have in common is that you're all lovely, vibrant women (in your own ways), you aren't timid, and you attracted men who had issues surrounding self-worth and the need to control.
With me, I'm looking at myself and my occasional tendency to sabotage myself. I'd love to know that this was a past-life thing that needed to be dealt with.

What bothers me is the amount of men out there, of all ages, who think that women love @ssholes. I've tried to point out that you don't need to be an ass, to not be a doormat.

posted November 09, 2010 05:17 AM            

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"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies with in us."
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

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posted November 09, 2010 03:03 PM              

It's sexist to direct this thread only at women.

Stereotypes aside, this advice applies to men, too.

posted November 09, 2010 03:15 PM            

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It's worth noting that abuse goes both ways.

It's sexist to direct this thread only at women.

Stereotypes aside, this advice applies to men, too.

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Well, maybe not the heels and miniskirts bit.

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posted November 10, 2010 12:41 AM              

Here's mine:

Isn't it indicative of a victim mentality
to think of yourself as someone who is
always threatened with being victimized?

My own experience, observing relationships,
especially in America, is that the women
tend to be the bulldozers.

(I've heard this from a number of women
who grew up outside the United States,
and think American women tend to have
an exaggerated sense of entitlement.)

It's like they think they're going to be
taken advantage of if they're not pushy.

So many women try to justify being demanding
by saying they're sticking up for themselves.

Really, it's about meeting half-way;
doesn't matter if you're the guy or the girl.

posted November 10, 2010 12:46 AM            

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This thread is a reminder that help is there for those who reach out by women who have been there & understand the mental jungle we have to traverse to escape the mess.

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posted November 10, 2010 12:48 AM            

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I think it's amazing though that so many have found their strength and especially strength in compassion and being good to themselves

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posted November 10, 2010 01:05 AM            

I read your post about trust and it tugged me sideways !! I could relate. For a long time, I felt that too.
The trust thing is really hard - I totally understand. I was married to a seemingly stable person who completely let his issues get out of hand while we were together. Violence, though never too much of it looking good was more important to him. People thinking he was the goody guy and the nice guy was more important Me, I don't care how I look. This is who I am, take it or leave it. I love from the top to the bottom of my soul and if you exploit my feelings, I will decapitate you.
Even before we got to that level though I was very much there for him , patient, sweet, etc, willing to work through things as long as he took responsibility. I think I pretty much left because he wouldn't take responsibility for his part and I got tired of holding up the relationship. Like literally drained to where I could not get out of bed in the morning or afternoon or whevever the hell I woke up lol
It's weird how we can unconsciously train ourselves to GIVE to the point of forgetting ourselves, and then when we try to balance it out by addressing the imbalance, but then get called selfish lol. well, I guess there's always going to be an excuse for some to not look within, right?

posted November 10, 2010 01:07 AM              

Is solace anywhere more comforting than in the arms of a sister. ~Alice Walker

That's one hell of a mountain to climb. I think we should all take stock of just how far we've come because it's a damn long way.

As T said ^^

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It's a process

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In the beginning it's too hard to even contemplating getting through an entire day let alone a minute so our focus is simply on breathing in & out through a moment.

posted November 10, 2010 03:07 AM            

We are sharing and supporting women in such situations. Letting them know that there is hope for those who are currently experiencing this type of trauma.

I have done volenteer work at shelters for abused WOMEN and children seen first hand the effects it has on there lives.They had support groups and councilling as well as people that helped them getting jobs while in the care of shelter.

I salute the women here who have shared,it takes courage and thank you.I am sure your inspirational stories have given hope to others

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"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies with in us."
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

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posted November 10, 2010 04:56 AM            

Great move to get out as it could have been worse.
You are a lovely lady and you deserve the best!

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"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies with in us."
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

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posted November 10, 2010 05:10 AM            

Each of you are such compassionate,kind women.You have moved on and didn't allow those experiences to send you down distructive routes.Much love to you all

To all the ladies who have shared,you are my new heroes

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"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies with in us."
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

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posted November 10, 2010 05:30 AM            

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"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies with in us."
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

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posted November 10, 2010 08:55 AM              

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As my topic states, it's about WOMEN and self respect.If anyone here wants to turn this into a sexist issue then stay off my thread.I won't allow that this topic be diverted to something else.

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Every thread I've ever started that got more than a dozen posts has been diverted from the original topic. Sometimes violently derailed. And every time I objected to this, I was told that the thread does not belong to me, and I should allow it to develop organically. I've come to accept this. Threads have a life of their own, and discussions are not meant to remain at the point of departure. I've realized that I was only being a control freak, trying to shut the mouths of those I did not wish to hear from.

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I have done volenteer work at shelters for abused WOMEN and children seen first hand the effects it has on there lives.They had support groups and councilling as well as people that helped them getting jobs while in the care of shelter.

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Physical abuse is only one form of abuse, but, yes, women do tend to be the "victims" when it comes to physical abuse. It's good that so much attention is payed to the abuse of women at the hands of men, but, at the same time, there is a glaring lack of attention being payed to how women are often themselves abusers. I've made a good point (and this is the perfect place to make it), that some women can actually become abusers themselves, on account of an exaggerated fear of being abused. We've all seen how people who are afraid of being victims can overcompensate; they end up victimizing others, and confusing this with strength.

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We are sharing and supporting women in such situations. Letting them know that there is hope for those who are currently experiencing this type of trauma.

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"Sisterhood" is all fine and good. But be careful you don't foster an "us against them" mentality. Some of the best, and most effective, feminists are men. (I've spoken, at least as strongly as any woman on Lindaland, and probably more strongly than any of them, in favor of a return to Goddess-centered values. Has anyone else here even read "The Chalice And The Blade"? Most women here adamantly defend the patriarchal view of life, whether they know it or not.)

posted November 10, 2010 09:40 AM            

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Every one of the ladies here who've shared their own private hell are to be applauded.

Is solace anywhere more comforting than in the arms of a sister. ~Alice Walker

That's one hell of a mountain to climb. I think we should all take stock of just how far we've come because it's a damn long way. [quote]

[quote]As my topic states, it's about WOMEN and self respect.If anyone here wants to turn this into a sexist issue then stay off my thread.I won't allow that this topic be diverted to something else.

We are sharing and supporting women in such situations. Letting them know that there is hope for those who are currently experiencing this type of trauma.

I have done volenteer work at shelters for abused WOMEN and children seen first hand the effects it has on there lives.They had support groups and councilling as well as people that helped them getting jobs while in the care of shelter.

I salute the women here who have shared,it takes courage and thank you.I am sure your inspirational stories have given hope to others

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Needs repeating.