posted November 10, 2010 04:54 PM            

Ladies,

posted November 10, 2010 05:08 PM            

...ok glad i slept through all that...Geeez

if i saw it at the time i probably would have said something for the first time to a certain person, it's like i felt that he came in purely to get under skins, i FELT it, truly, and i was about to say something, so close... gawwwd, better not happen again, im full of mummy hormones. sometimes content is irrelevant when intentions fill the air like an off smell.

i loved reading the posts in here, thankyou ladies

charm, i glanced over a few of your posts, well said

posted November 10, 2010 05:11 PM            

You know people would say to me when Kevin was in the hospital how brave I was, and how I was their hero. No.

You ladies make me proud of you, YOU ARE the HEROES!!!

Blessings,
ADfly

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We justify ourselves each time we take a breath...

posted November 10, 2010 05:52 PM            

quote:

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Zala, it will take too much energy to explain what I meant PLUS I will honor my agreement with T here. Explaining myself will just bring on more problems. And no, talking about YOUR relationship has nothing to do with Valus.
I am sorry about the misunderstanding. I have no problem if you decide to blame me for misunderstanding you.

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posted November 11, 2010 08:50 PM            

Never told anyone this before.

When Kevin and I first hooked up, he'd JUST gotten out of his first marriage, where he and she decided to have another woman involved with them. Only 1st wife wasn't really ok with this, she just was saying it was ok, because she ...wanted to make him happy. She decided to run off with a mutual friend of theirs instead. When I met him, he had a BIG drinking problem. Things were fine until the day we found out that we were expecting Morgen. This was also the day that the 1st wife, decided that "I've made a mistake...I want you back." This was after he'd tried and tried to get counseling, get back together with her, etc.

Well I'd given up everything to be with him, even to the point of not speaking to my family anymore, because damn it, I'm right, etc. So I understand some of that mind set. And looking back on it I thought, I could "fix" or "heal" him.

Well let's just say, he was never abusive, however, there were times that he was angry in my direction. Just generally inconsiderate. Angry that things hadn't worked out, and he didn't really have time to grieve and heal before jumping right into another relationship, and become a parent.

Now we weren't happy nor unhappy, however, we would argue alot.

Then he got sick.

It's like he had this epiphany or enlightenment. He told me that 1st week we were waiting for the test results to come back, that "I've not been the best of friends to you in the past, Amanda, and I want to tell you how deeply sorry I am for that, and all I can do, and want to do is to spend the rest of my life making that up to you, and being your friend, and loving you. I had this little pebble of anger in my hand, and I thought it was so important, and had to hold onto it, and now I look at it's gone. It wasn't important. You made me see that. It's time to let go, and move on. I love you so much and I'm so glad that you're here and I hope you can forgive me, and spend the rest of your life with me?"

Well since then, he went to counseling and worked thorugh these things and also actually dealt with his childhood trauma, that I think contributed to the cancer.

You can't fix them. Only they can do it, IF they decide to.

For all that happened to Kevin physically, I wouldn't have the other Kevin back for one minute. Because this Kevin is the one I want to be with and to spend each day with, and the one who is my friend.

Now you all know too.

I sometimes wonder if we'd just have gone on forever, partially miserable, knwo what I mean? Cause we weren't UNhappy, though we weren't happy either.

When I asked him what happened to the pebble, he teared up and said, you took it. you took it away. It's been gone all this time, and I didn't even take the time to really notice.

and he said, "I wasted all this time being angry, and not appreciating how beautiful and wonderful of a person you are. I'm not doing that anymore. I am not going to waste another moment being angry. I love you."

I feel so much lighter for having shared this. This is the first time I've talked about it outside of our marriage therapy, And yes he insisted we go. and become whole.

And he went on his own too. Found out some crazy stuff about his parents relationship. His dad was a piece of **** .

Apparently his mom and dad hooked up while his dad's first wife was in the hospital dying from cancer...And then when his mom got pregnant with his older sister, he told her, that they were her responsibility, cause he'd already raised his kids!!!! Then apparently as well, he was completely jealous of Kevin and hated him, because Kevin's mom turned him into the surrogate husband. Really disfunctional people.

posted November 11, 2010 09:46 PM            

Thanks. It felt like the right thing to do.

I look back on it now, and I realize I was slowly suffocating, due to the fact that he was angry about things, and, I was unhappy that things weren't right emotionally.

I do wonder how we would have ended up. If we'd have gone on and become shriveled up and dead inside if it hadn't been for the cancer that came and shook up our lives.

So I guess in that respect, I'm grateful for the cancer.

On the other hand, it's kinda scary in some ways, that it took THAT to wake me up.

After he came home from the hospital, and was kinda "farting around" about working on himself, I just told him flat out: "YOu have to do this, no matter what, because if you don't I have to leave. I can't live with you the way you are, and I'm going to die someday, and I deserve to be happy!"

posted November 11, 2010 10:12 PM            

Yeah, amazing how a life or death situation can change everything and put it in perspective and make you truly appreciate what you have.

posted November 12, 2010 09:08 AM            

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quote:

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"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies with in us."
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

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posted November 16, 2010 12:31 PM            

Our Mission
We at Uncovered Artistry strive to help domestic abuse survivors discover their "inner entrepreneur," empowering them both emotionally and financially. From this, we hope to promote peace in the lives of the artisans and our customers.
***

"All human beings are potential entrepreneurs. Some of us get the opportunity to express this talent, but many of us never get the chance because we were made to imagine that an entrepreneur is someone enormously gifted and different from ourselves."

-Muhammad Yunus in Banker to the Poor

What is domestic abuse?

Domestic abuse is a pattern of coercive and/or violent behavior used by a partner to gain power and control over the other person, and it goes far beyond physical injury.

Types of abuse include:

* Verbal abuse
* Emotional abuse
* Financial abuse
* Sexual abuse
* Physical abuse

posted November 16, 2010 01:32 PM            

And the link is great too.
Sometimes people do not realize the insidious subtlety (oops sp?) of abuse.
Such as you wrote,.. financial abuse.

My husband did this to me all the time throughout our marriage.
The second husband, not the first.
If he was mad at me, he would not give me money for things like tampons, or prescriptions.. things I NEEDED.
He just would say, "NO."

I was really in a pickle at the time because I had 3 kids under the age of 7, plus I was guardian to my nephew, also under 7 years old.
To pay for a sitter would cost more than I would of made.
So, I stayed home and dealt with it.

He did the same thing with cigarettes. And yes, I know I shouldn't smoke, but I did/do, and when someone smokes they gotta have their cigarettes.
He would smoke HIS in front of me.

That is when I went back to college and also got a full time job.
I got creative with child care, and traded house cleaning for it, and also traded babysitting with others.

I don't think I slept a wink for 3 straight years, and I barely remember any of it.
But, the point is that sadly, humans can get conditioned to almost anything, as horrible as it is.
And when it comes on very slowly, you almost don't notice it, until hindsight.

Listen to the folks around you, is my advice.
If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's probably a duck.

posted November 16, 2010 02:43 PM            

It's just I sit and think about the fact that it took CANCER to wake me up. To make him SEE. Who wants to go through that???

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We justify ourselves each time we take a breath...

posted November 16, 2010 04:52 PM              

i can't recount my story, but suffice it to say, i have been there..... and also, that i would rather have nothing. literally. which is why i left everything, even my clothes, and went to a shelter.

hurting someone you love was never something i understood. years later, i still don't understand it, because i could never intentionally hurt someone i love.