posted February 21, 2008 12:15 AM              

"Dog, I miss my god."

posted February 21, 2008 08:00 AM              

Seems to me that most of the comments are about what others think of you.

After many years of beating myself up with guilt over my short commings in life, I have come to realize that the mot important thing I have learned is to love myself not its not really important what others think! What I think of myself is all that matters, loving myself is all that matters. With that I can now start to understand what others are saying, thinking, and most important LEARNING!

I recently hurt a person that I love dearly.
I made the mistake of of not taking their self into consideration, I too quickly fell backwards into my own feelings and as what happens when I do that I made a mess of the whole situation. I cannot change this person that I love I can only love him/her and allow them to arrive at their own choices in life. I can only offer my own thoughts...but WITHOUT judgment.

I can only stop casting these stones in my heart and mind and use them to build a better house for myself.

posted February 21, 2008 11:09 AM            

Welcome!

Thank you for your words of wisdom.

You are absolutely right.

I care way too much what others think.

I really need to learn to please myself,
and I guess it starts with unconditional friendship w/ oneself.

If I didnt feel the sting of truth in much of what others say
their words would not hurt me nearly so much.

Thank you for sharing your perspective.

I hope you enjoy yourself here at LL.

posted February 21, 2008 11:28 AM            

I love you from my heart,
partly because you put up with my bullsh--
without really putting up with it.

Your posts to me here this morning are a great relief.

quote:

---

Thank you for being patient with me and taking the time to be contemplative and considerate.

---

You deserve those thanks more than I do,
but thank you; you are welcome.

quote:

---

They may be far more likely to occur because of not speaking up, but they still occur oftentimes when you do!

---

Yes, but I'm no example, T!
You know that.
My "speeches" are often inflammatory,
and self-serving, or, at least,
sprinkled throughout with elements of these.
And my articulation often works against me.
I'll try to say too much in a few words,
and end up expressing none of the things I wanted to,
and something else entirely, which I had not intended.
This is not on account of an excess of words, but,
an excess of posturing, playing (i.e. verbal acrobatics), provoking, etc.
On top of all that, I generally speak up
in order to promote the most unpopular p.o.v. anyway.
I guess I'm the one who needs to learn to accept
people's assumptions and misunderstandings,
if I'm going to insist on communicating myself in my usual way.

quote:

---

I'm not hard to figure out. If you "know" me, you know me... in an instant.

---

I have no doubt there is truth in this.
At the same time, you are the sign of hidden resources.

quote:

---

When you see everyone a little baby in an adult body confused and crying out for the same thing, you cant help but do one thing. When you see the Creator at work behind every set of eyes what do you do?

---

I know you arent speaking from ego.
What you express here was my obsession for a long time.
There were times I used to be so much more well-behaved,
here at LL, and elsewhere, wherever dealing with people.
I saw these things so clearly, and immersed myself in them.
I used to be such a positive influence here, remember?
I need to get back to seeing things in the way you describe.
Sometimes, I feel like I obsess over something so much
that I inevitably end up going to the opposite extreme.
Balance, balance, balance....

I'm just talking to myself. lol.

I like you a lot, T.
I respect and admire you,
and I do see a lot of grace.
And I know you weren't entirely born that way.
I believe you when you say you've had to work for it.
I hope to be a lot more like you, after my Saturn return.
Not right now, though, lol.

I guess thats all I have to say, God.

Dawg Bless,
S

posted February 21, 2008 11:35 AM            

... I think I love you both cuz you teach me something about myself every time I read your posts!

Thank you for being you!!

posted February 21, 2008 11:39 AM            

All we need is a Leo,
and we'd have ourselves a Grand Fixed Cross.

Then we could really get down to business!

posted February 21, 2008 12:10 PM              

quote:

---

I can only stop casting these stones in my heart and mind and use them to build a better house for myself.

If this makes no sense...

---

I think this is a lovely way to put it, thanks for sharing, Luvinlifeat64.

I'm often beating myself up over stuff, blowing things way out of proportion. I'll try to remember these few lines.

posted February 21, 2008 01:13 PM            

Jwhop?

posted February 21, 2008 06:40 PM              

S,

quote:

---

...you put up with my bullsh--
without really putting up with it.

---

That's right! Because i dont see it as bullsh-t or myself having to put up with it from you. That's not how it feels. I enjoy reading your words, even when you are trying to provoke me.
Just remember....

"The Taurean temper is seldom displayed impulsively, but when the bull gets mad, he can destroy everything in his path, up to and including Scorpios. Destroy is not the right word. Demolish is better."
-L.Goodman

lol

quote:

---

I used to be such a positive influence here, remember?

---

What the hell are you talking about?
You still are - Gawd!

Life after the Saturn return is a whole lot nicer btw...hard to describe...it feels kind of like you dumped a heavy load off somewhere. And though you may still have a whole crap load of other things weighing you down, it seems easier to deal with somehow. And like youve climbed over some big hurdle. For this Capricorn rising at least.

I love you from my heart too.

posted February 21, 2008 06:48 PM              

quote:

---

"The Taurean temper is seldom displayed impulsively, but when the bull gets mad, he can destroy everything in his path, up to and including Scorpios. Destroy is not the right word. Demolish is better."
-L.Goodman

---

I heard that

posted February 23, 2008 10:48 PM              

It is like having a wierd old person, we've been married for 75,000 years, and we don't talk, we don't interact, we just co-exist in the same space relationship.

I was sick recently, and didn't feel like having to be the one to go get groceries, or cook, or maintain the household, but guess who was the only adult who could.

I'm going to be giving birth in the next 10-12 weeks, and I wonder what in the world I will do, when that happens.

It's like I'm the roommate who maintains the household and runs errands, and he's the roommate who pays the bills.

We used to DO things together as a couple, and family. Now we go to the doctor.

I wonder if he's going to be able to help out at all? Will he be able to play with the baby, hold her, love her, give her piggy back rides, run around after her?

I mean they saved his life, but is this all the quality of life we get now? Isn't there more to live than just existing? Is this what we have to look forward to for the next 50 years together?

I feel my old friend put his arm across my shoulder, and feel the ease with which I could just slip back down into the dark abyss...It really takes most of my strength not to give in and let go, and stop caring...and to just sink back down into depression.

So many people, have commented to me, on what a strong woman I am.

Even strong people get tired...

------------------
The truth is ... everything counts. Everything. Everything we do and everything we say. Everything helps or hurts; everything adds to or takes away from someone else. ~ Countee Cullen

posted February 23, 2008 11:57 PM            

Strong people get tired, sure,
especially when they expect too much from themselves.

Slipping into depression isnt the answer, of course,
but, there is something to be said for rolling with your moods,
and allowing yourself to feel it, to bring it up, and to vent it.
We all hope to provide a safe place for you to do that.
Sure, the grief will be back tomorrow or the next day,
but, in the meantime, you wont feel like you are
exhausting your strength holding the sadness at bay.

50 years is a mouthful;
one day at a time is bitesize.
I wish I had better advice for you.
I know its more than a little scary,
bringing a child into such a situation.
I dont know what the best thing is.
At least, you will have the child,
and he/she may be better company than you expect.
The most important thing, I think,
is to stay awake, aware; honest with yourself.
If you are unhappy, then,
for God's sake, be unhappy!
Dont fall into the pre-conscious zombie-state
that so many "happy" people resort to.
Not that I see that as a probability for you.
You are a very sensitive and aware person,
so, I think that will not likely be your fate.
Anyway, I would just encourage you to share,
and to vent here whenever you feel that need for release.
And, of course, to make use of any number
of coping resouces that appeals to you.
Something that you enjoy doing, a hobby, is invaluable.
Sometimes Cappies just need to let loose and have some fun,
and, however they may object or put up resistance,
a little fun is sometimes just what the doctor ordered.
I hope some of this is helpful to you.
At least, it made me feel good to write it, lol.

Love to you,
hsc

posted February 24, 2008 01:40 AM              

You're not alone. I'm picturing myself giving you a hug right now.
If you ever need someone to turn to, somebody to just unload onto in confidence now and then- I'm here.

I have often considered becoming a Buddhist Nun- I would get far more satisfaction out of that than with a man!

Relationships.....who needs them?

Infinite love is the only truth........

Goatgirl, I feel for you....I just wish there was something more I could do for you. I want to send you strength.......

posted February 24, 2008 01:43 PM              

It's frustrating for both of us, because he'd like to be able to take care of me, and let me depend on him for the next few months. It's just that he's physically unable to do that right now.

We miss each other's company. We've both gotten ourselves a therapist to help deal with what life has handed us over the last four months, and that is a time I treasure for myself, emotionally as well as it's my alone time.

Maybe I'm just being impatient. Patience is a trait that has been developed within myself.

I'm not used to living life and considering if every little health issue needs a doctor, or a trip to the hospital, and that is what I do now.

All I know is that I'm a pregnant lady who wants someone to take care of her for awhile. Who wants someone else to be the strong one for awhile. Who wants a gently flowing stream of life, instead of a hurricane for awhile.

------------------
The truth is ... everything counts. Everything. Everything we do and everything we say. Everything helps or hurts; everything adds to or takes away from someone else. ~ Countee Cullen

posted February 24, 2008 02:07 PM            

You are such a wonted ray of light here. It is difficult to realize sometimes that as strong and as stable as something or someone may appear, that it may have taken a lot of effort and discipline for one to reach that point. I think this is the case with you as it has often been the case with me. I feel for you now and I hope that you will receive some comfort and support in this ailing time.

In this moment you are in,
In this involving moment,
May the Lord's blessings prevail.
May your struggle be a blessing
As the mountain to the valley,
As the wind unto the avis.

posted February 24, 2008 03:19 PM            

Your situation sounds difficult and stressful. It is also an extremely emotional time. Be careful at this time and after you give birth. You are a cocktail of hormones right now. When you give birth it is going to be everything you are feeling about having to do everything multiplied (multiplied more times than you can know) and you WILL be able to handle it. The challenge will be to properly vent the stress that is building by the day.
Start setting up a network of support now. Anything. If your mom or aunt or someone would agree to come by one night a week to take care of the baby so you can have uninterrupted sleep or do something relaxing for yourself... that will help. I would recommend you enjoy this short time of freedom by actually doing some of those things like long baths and extra sleep, but I know when you are pregnant you just feel like some-thing's gonna give at any moment, (like 9 month long exhausting tension) so it's hard to just enjoy that time you have to bathe. (Which is probably a bad example since you can't take the same hot baths when you are pregnant.)
I don't know your situation, but since you wondered how much your partner will be able to do with your child, I hope that his situation will get better.
The most important thing to remember is that is ok to be ticked off at the Universe about the situation and even wonder if you can handle it at all. People in your situation often think seriously about running away from it and if you do think that, it's just normal. Everything will work out ok. Just keep talking to people and building a support network. People you know will help in different ways and there are also organizations that help.
When you are at the hospital giving birth, at some point they will give you survey things that ask what you think you might need help with and if there is anything you would like to know more about in regards to caring for a baby. I'm the kind of person who read about 4 books and a hundred magazine articles about birth and new babies when I was pregnant, and I still checked almost everything on the survey, reasoning that I could always know more. I didn't know if they were going to give me pamphlets or reading material or what, but it ended up being an invitation for few people from different programs to stop by the hospital room or call at home after I took Baby home.
I met some great women in the helping field and joined organizations that ended up being along the lines of "Mommy and Me" type programs so my child and I could interact with other Mothers and children her age. Different organizations also made home visits and it was a wonderful feeling to have a new energy breeze into the door every week or two. I had a nutritionist gal come by and we went over basic things that I already knew and could have taught myself (but I did find a few seeds of unknown wisdom as well) and after we would chat about gardening and canning and natural foods. She was a cool hippie gal named Valerie who lived on a ranch with her horses. I still see her at the local farmer's markets a couple times a year.
We also got to attend tons of community events. I made a bunch of contacts in the community that have snowballed into some great work opportunities and experience opportunities when I finish my degree. Also, some positive and healthy social outlets. (Make sure you check almost EVERYTHING on that sheet! )

Ok, here are the best, funniest, most loving and helpful books on pregnancy and childbirth I found in all of my reading:

The Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy

and

The Girlfriends Guide to Surviving the First Year of Motherhood

both by Vicki Iovine

The pregnancy book is actually being sold on ebay, right now with the bidding ending in less than two hours for only $1.99 and it comes with a Pregnancy diary book. The shipping is $5 instead of $3 since it is two books, but can't beat two dollars for the price. I tried to include the link for you but it was making the page huge. You can just go to ebay.com and search the book title and you will see it as the top or one of the top choices.

I sold my own Guide to Pregnancy at a garage sale and I got the First Year book at the library. I currently own her Guide to Parties and Playdates which has been helpful a couple times, and I have loaned it out to a friend too. Vicki is really funny and down to earth, and is an experienced mom too many times over.

Ok, I guess that is a lot and not exactly what you were sharing about, but it was what I felt intuitively compelled to share.
Just remember feelings and emotions come and go. And "super intense hormones coursing through your body time" is not the time to make decisions that affect the rest of your life.
Don't forget to breathe in through your nose and fill your belly area (lower lungs) first, filling in your lungs with deep, slow breaths.
Some great movies help too.
If you can ask an aunt (or sister or whatever) or two to stop by one night a month even to bring a meal and do dishes with you and listen to you talk, it will help.

People want to help. Just tell how stressed you are and ask if they will come visit and talk to you to cheer you up. If they can do anything else, they will ask you if they can help in those ways. Just ACCEPT the help.