posted December 19, 2018 08:37 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by bluesky:
I am just very heavy. I always have this need to dissect things.

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i understand that, but with effort habits like that can be lessened or overcome

it's easy to just sort of say "this is how i am no changing it" but that doesn't make change impossible

posted December 19, 2018 10:36 AM            

I was never as destitute as Neil, but can understand his feelings.

To quote Neil: "I can think of all sorts of things I'd like to be doing. The fact is, what am I likely to be doing?"

Currently I'm trying to work my way through an accountancy certificate. I also have umpteen creative ideas, in terms of writing, textiles, 3-D design, etc. That having been said, I have to get a job, and I have to relocate, and all this is taking up my time right now.

I'm 44, and I've done nothing creative since I hit 40, and I think this is part of the problem. I feel so boring, and I am no further forward than I got with my creative pursuits.

posted December 19, 2018 12:22 PM            

i can see why you're feeling like that now, the lack of a creative outlet when you're a creative person is completely mind numbing and depressing

and i imagine feeling so bored is why nothing creative is flowing, it's not really about time, everyone has time where they're not doing something

how they fill it is one thing, but they always have it

filling it with just feeling stressed and obsessing is a good way to put a damper on any kind of creativity you have, and that's the real issue

i'm curious what don't you consider boring? also what scares you? sometimes doing something that puts you in that mindset helps you clear your head

i like taking walks really late at night along the roads here, no flashlight or anything, just a cigarette or a joint and a lighter

there's bears and foxes and **** , have to stay alert, pay attention to everything around me and let my eyes adjust to the moonlight because there's no steetlights or anything

maybe a house or 2 will have a light on past stretches of woods and **** , but for the most part i'm stuck with just myself

and needing to be in that state of mind where i have to be that cautious and clear helps me sort out everything i need to by the time i get back home

sometimes you have to force yourself to be clear and sometimes the only way to do it is to put yourself in a situation where you have no choice

because by the end of it you've learned a few things

about that quote, you have control over the things you do and the things that consume your life

i've had to move suddenly, just been like ok got 2 weeks to figure everything out and i didn't need a whole 2 weeks to do it i just made some loose arrangements the first night and went from there doesn't have to be your everything at any given moment

try something you wouldn't do instead of the things you've been doing and see what happens, sometimes putting yourself in an uncomfortable position is what's necessary to get anywhere else

and all of the pain you feel doesn't have to keep following you around all of the time, there's no need to keep carrying everything

i can tell you internalize and keep a lot around, not just from reading this admittedly i saw what you said about love

you have a lot of fear of giving up control and parts of yourself, that's why you take rejection personally even though it isn't necessarily

sometimes what people reject is just about them not you, and you can't get shaken up over it because it's going to happen it sucks i guess but you move on

what are some of your writing ideas? just curious, i used to occasionally write fiction when i was bored never finished anything i'd lose interest too fast

occasionally write down non fiction things as if they were fiction, figure if anyone reads things they won't be able to sort out the difference necessarily

easier for me to write song lyrics, but i need to write the music first i can actually finish songs but those you can sort of loosely write and then over time just **** around

and with lyrics it's sort of just a matter of finding them in the music rather than needing to think really

for me anyway, but i don't think first i just do and it's the same with writing too

your comfort zone though, it's not comfortable for you anymore, time to make a new one

find new things, and don't just tell yourself you can't because of whatever else is going on that's pointless

you'll be a lot happier giving up a couple of hours in a day towards something different than you will be continuing to focus every minute of every day on the **** that's bringing you down

it'll still be there for you i promise lol

posted December 21, 2018 03:58 AM            

My current writing ideas are: my memoirs (a lot of material there) and hard-hitting opinion pieces.

posted December 21, 2018 09:32 AM            

lavender in particular needs a while, might help you relax a little having it around too

you actually sound like you're pretty fun when you're not wrapped up in a negative feedback loop, well my kind of fun anyway except way less drugs

so i'm bias, but i think everything i think matters more than anything so there's that lol

as for your fears there's not much room there to really face them aside from going on job interviews and dealing with possible rejection

though it's like i said rejection is only ever partially about you anyway, you really have to tell yourself that until you finally actually start to listen and hear it

one thing to know it on some level, another thing to really understand it

what sort of art instruction books?

opinion pieces are something you can do in your free time (which you need to learn to give yourself, find ways to clear your head do you meditate at all?) same with memoirs really since everything is already there

it sounds like maybe what you're trying to push yourself to do just isn't right for you, and the more you push yourself in a direction that isn't meant to be the worse you're going to feel

when you're not embracing who you are and trying to force yourself into something the results will never be as good

maybe it's time to try something else, are you just sticking to this because you have to or because if you don't you would've failed?

failure is perfectly normal and fine, and it's how you figure out how to do things in a better more efficient manner

it's not worth fear, it's just a learning experience

fail enough and you know everything not to do and that can be valuable and make the accomplishment more worthwhile when you get there

it seems like all of your fears are ultimately reasons to not try, at least what it looks like when i add them all up i could be wrong

but i mean... you've seen what you're good at and where you can grow, and you're running in the opposite direction getting nowhere worried about failure and it seems a bit like you're beating a dead horse out of fear and this desire for stability

and i get wanting stability, i've had points in my life where i've legit had pretty much nothing and been in weird situations

slept in parks and **** , long story there, doesn't matter

my point is i get it, but the reality is stability is more internal than external because life can throw all manner of **** your way and what ultimately makes a difference isn't your bank account or where you're sleeping it's what's going on in your head

there are people who have everything you want and it makes no difference they never feel secure anyway instead they just fear losing it

posted December 21, 2018 10:48 AM            

and right now it looks like you're really being hit hard with the consequences of past actions (judgement)with lord of loss of pleasure (5 of cups, this is a hermetic deck so the rider waite stuff isn't entirely accurate) and lord of abandoned success (8 of cups)representing your past and the heart of this situation

you're in a place where you're really figuring out where you really need to be in life and you have to be honest with yourself, and where even though you don't feel like it you've gained a lot of strength through the troubles you've gone through (ace of swords)

there's definitely confusion and a hard time immediately ahead (the moon is here), but it's the darkness before dawn in this situation because what's coming when you get past it will be a lot better than what you've expected

it's all a matter of utilizing what you have and going from there

be aware of any immediate deception whether from yourself or others (i honestly would go with it being yourself because of the negative feedback loops you seem stuck in), things aren't what they seem and change is coming it's just going to feel hard to get to

for what it's worth this reading ends with the ten of cups, lord of perfected success

things will get better, even though it doesn't feel like it

you just have to wade through this last stretch before you see it

posted January 02, 2019 01:48 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by bluesky:
Oh, everywhere is out of business. Where I live used to have a thriving High Street 3 years ago, with all retail spaces filled and lots of little restaurants. Now - half dead.

I won't hear back from recruiters till halfway through January now. It bothers me, because I need to move by Jan 6 and I am broke, and so is everybody else I know.

I had a spate of interest from recruiters over the last week or so, but went to 2 interviews yesterday (for which I was late due to messed up trains as they had had a fatality on the line/ miscommunication at reception).

Neither interview panel made notes, which I thought was a red flag.

Also, both interview panels were female only. I have had numerous interviews over the past year, all of which were female only, and not once have I got the jobs. I never used to have this problem with men.

It annoys me when I see these cheesy, warm and fuzzy Millennials living on some trust fund and/ or being successful, money wise, because I have ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS had to struggle for work, and never had people around me who were good with money either, nor family support from either the money side, or the emotional side.

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Wish you the best!

My boyfriend and I have out grown the apartment life, and want more living space.

Thing is, I definitely don’t make enough money to live anywhere near where my job is. My boyfriend and I are In the low income category. There are some neighborhoods in our lege.
I’m sure it will still be a while. But my bf is not old fashioned, and like most people these days. I’ll be told not to quit other job until I have new job. 🙄 If I did move with out landing new job yet I would have long commutes for a while and try to take all my PTO in winter.

Being a teacher though I would hate to just ditch kids halfway through the year. And be sneaky to good employers.

Honestly if I was upfront I could probably get some letters of recommendation

posted January 02, 2019 08:44 PM            

Very gently, I didn't think or take what Stawr just said as being anything 'mean' and directed at you?

posted January 02, 2019 09:05 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by mirage29:
{{{BlueSky!!! }}}
I'm so sorry your feeling so awful.

Very gently, I didn't think or take what Stawr just said as being anything 'mean' and directed at you?

Stawr … omg. Thank you for that. Your candor about your recent experience is sooo revealing. I'm having an aggravating kind of Mars {square Mars} transit in my own life. I'm feeling restless as hell, and positive as they come, and doomy at other times.
I appreciated your *humor*!!! Thank you. It helped me smile.

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posted January 07, 2019 09:56 AM            

That's it, I am never being nice or kind to another woman again.