posted January 25, 2019 07:28 AM            

We still see each other for fun and friendship, and I have accepted that that is all he can offer, or indeed all any man seems to be able to offer. Maybe it's actually better than accepted traditional relationships? To some degree, I have hardened myself and shut myself off, and it's a shame it has to work that way - but I've also been the possessive wife, and that's no fun either.

Anyway, his house is too small - it is a one-person house. I have found a lot of people advertising rooms don't really want to share. Perhaps because of bad past flatmate experiences, bad relationship experiences - who knows?

I am approaching another friend re: couch surfing. My potential boss gave me an allowance to get myself into a B&B so I can look for accommodation, but this runs out in a few days, and I still am having no luck, I am told I need a permanent address for my job.

I understand what you mean about mental hospitals, Mirage. In fact, there have been many people who were jealous of my abilities, who continuously labelled me as "loony" - and one, who was/ is a lot more mental than I am, actually got me sectioned. This came directly after I had had my drink spiked one night and was arrested/ cautioned. I was very upset when speaking to them on the phone and this bloody person had me sectioned, this had never happened before. The situation escalated, and I was eventually taken to a psychiatric hospital. When this person visited me, they said "well, this has never happened to ME".

They were very jealous, and like a poison. I watched them destroy someone else's fun music and poetry nights through subtle gossip over time. I was suspicious of them even then, but gave them the benefit of the doubt, because they liked to play the disabled card, and everybody else thought they could do no wrong.

Anyway, they took responsibility for me after my breakdown, and we lived in a room together for 7 months. It was disastrous, and I felt it was a stroke of luck when I got a job elsewhere and relocated.

Then I lost my job, and shortly afterwards they got back in contact again, (I thought "oh no"!) said they were about to lose their home, and had always liked living with me, and loved me, and would have done anything for me, which I find difficult to believe, but still.

I found us a home, set up all the bills (they had a speech impediment which meant they couldn't talk on the phone) and generally did everything, as although they'd shared before, they were absolutely clueless, as they'd always depended on everyone else to do stuff which most of us take for granted that we should do. Really simple things - self-care, laundry, simple cooking, unbelievable how they knew none of these things.

Since we were renting a very nice flat, I tried to get the message through to them that they had to improve their attitude.

For example: they had cushions on their bed which they rested their head against, which had NEVER been washed. The reason they never washed them was because Auntie Ruth made them, and Auntie Ruth died, and they wanted to preserve Auntie Ruth's memory, and they were afraid they would disintegrate if they put them in the wash. I persuaded them to let me double-wash these cushion covers at 90 deg C, with extra scoops of Vanish.

They also used to grow their nails, without filing the edges (so they were always square and sharp), to about a quarter of an inch long, then rip them off and leave them around their room, as tokens... honestly, you couldn't make it up. And used tissues...I told them to stop doing it. I mean, who does that? Then, they were a hoarder, and used to stuff used food packaging down the back of their bed. The smell! I shouted at them so much!!

Happily, our rental agent identified the giant grey stain which was revealed once their bed was removed. I thought "yes, you can pay for it, and the rental agent knows it's not me, as they do inspections every 3 months and I've rented with them before".

They, not me, were responsible for the initial deposit. Even though I had to stay in our flat for longer to give me some more time to shut everything down (I, not they, were present at the removal of the remainder of their possessions - again, tremendous irresponsibility on their part), and the landlord paid for this - since I am of no fixed address, I have told the agent to send the bill to them, and therefore stiffed them in some way, and it gives me great satisfaction.

I think that when you are motivated to be "GOOD" - when you have get up and go, and your own innate energy to do things in life, which is generated from you - people don't like it, and have to take you down. They can't stand seeing you doing well.

They put nasty energies out into the atmosphere. They want to kill you, just as in The Fountainhead with Howard Roark (thankfully for him, his saving grace was a complete lack of emotion, which I wish I had).

It's like, when I did actually have a good job and was doing well, my Father urged me to talk to my Mother, as apparently she wanted to talk to me, and had cancer. Against my better judgement, I phoned her saying I was very sorry about her cancer, but I was doing well - shouldn't she be proud?? and she put the phone down on me. Because, you see, it was the job SHE had wanted to do.

My FWB (a Cancer) is motivated to phone my mother up, because of all the abuse she has given me. He's not too impressed with my father, either. My mum was threatening to throw me out of the house from the age of 11. I suspect this is one reason why I've never really felt secure at home.

I know you guys keep saying I should try to rise above it, and - I am trying. I AM trying!!!!!

I can't be creative or go to support groups right now, because I am sort of a single-focus person. Some people call it autistic, but I don't think it's any such thing. My prerogative is do/ focus on, one thing at a time, because my natural energies are so scattered, and if I were to give every one of them equal opportunity - I would get nothing done. Focus right now is finding a home (which unfortunately doesn't seem to be working)

I deeply appreciate your contributions. They DO make a difference.

Do you know, rereading what I have just written, I think, how damn f**king naive am I? I am so bloody good at giving people the benefit of the doubt. I race round doing everything for everybody, because I've always been told I should be nice and do things for people. Oh, and "be somebody". Whatever that means.

No, I'm ALREADY somebody, right?

I know a really nice couple, where the guy is a specialist in his field. Very very clever and nice guy, but they can't make any money, and get taken down constantly (as in, their commercial website was hacked). It's always the bloody nicest and most helpful and capable people this happens to!

It's like when I go to property "interviews". The potential housemates can't quite believe that I'm as understanding as I am. Perhaps they are afraid I would understand them too well!

posted January 25, 2019 07:56 AM            

Perhaps you are good-natured, but sometimes it's better to be selfish when the situation is too problematic.

posted January 25, 2019 12:15 PM            

It's the story similar to the Phoenix rising out of the ashes. A story of having gone through much-suffering, loss, and defeats, to Rise up later, with DOUBLE riches, and Double rewards for what he went through.

Your chart suggests that your "latter days, would be greater than the former". .. Meaning, that it is possible that 10 years from now, you'll look back at THIS time, and say to yourself, WOW-- I have Changed soo much. I'm so much Stronger, and more settled and Accomplished.
Some people in their 50s, do their greatest work-- the kind that establishes and leaves a legacy.

Not gonna fib here. You've got some possible very gnarly waters ahead of you {considering the least there}, while you finish off ALL your midlife transits, up through your Chiron-Return.
There SHALL be some Graces that come through for you too, as it is natural that these cycles also contain positive things too.

One foot in front of the other.
Stay strong, and selfcare,
and eventually you WILL see a Harvest.

Based on the "Job" transit,
and your mention of being 'a second Jesus Christ'?? .. awwwww --

It gives me the idea for you to seek out some people in the compassion communities. You can opt to find some of His followers.
{ref Neptune transit}

You are needing some Angels in Human form right now. You still have 'rough waters' ahead of you.. and this would be much easier accomplished for a while (if other things haven't come through for you), is that you could come 'under the cover' of such a community?

AVOID the 'crazy' route.
This will NOT serve you.
Cut that option from the table.
Watch your behaviors. Do NOT act-out.
STEADY. You Can Do This.

Strip that option OUT of your head. That's "going backwards" for you.

You need a turn-around (in your head and your thoughts) from THAT direction, and clear your head that you are to go Forward, re-Build your life anew.

Stay AWAY from alcohol and drugs (of all kinds, including psych if you can-- bad sideffects can CAUSE behavioral problems and depressions, and needless irritations in your system).

I say this, as tNeptune is STILL influencing your Venus-MOON Pisces, and approaching your Descendant. tNeptune can confuse. Can be behind misdiagnoses, AND bad side-effects of drugs.
{I had a very competent and professional friend who was given some anti-depressants.. She wound up killing herself, after I did a cross-country relocation, and couldn't be there for her anymore.
NOW, they "know" that her death might have come about from the side-effects of the psych medications she was on. Incompetent doctor too.}

Pisces Descendant...
Do not act-out.
Seek a Faith Community (of your choice) instead?

Develop a spiritual practice.
tNeptune will cross over to go from your 6th House {work, health??? ~oy} through into your 7th House now.

Neptune has some lower vibrational meanings, and is ALSO involved in Higher Spirituality.

tNeptune can denote too, the presence of an Angel of Mercy.

Be careful of the teachers/gurus and clergy you meet up with.
Thoroughly research these, and get some sound advice and second opinions before you join a spiritual community of choice?
You might also find Love.

At any rate, you might have to lower or compromise some personal desires for a while, as you maneuver this corner, and seek some Stability for yourself.

Humbling oneself more {becoming as a clean and curious and well-contained Child} does NOT mean ANY loss of self-esteem to you. It's the regaining of an inner state of Innocence {not-necessarily naïve}.

Identify and play the 'choosing' game.. by striping-off any "thinking" or habitual thoughts than the message you are "less-than."
{I realize this might be a bit of a struggle, as you've been through some directly harsher things.
They do 'not' define you, but inform you. You have good character inside to build upon.}

You are becoming NEW.
You are letting go of old things that don't serve you.
Soon, re-seeding new ground for future success.
Anything you lose?, let it be the learning and observing of things that cause you to stumble. No need to let it affect self-esteem or worth.
Start FRESH 'in your head'.

Meditate on, Cultivate, Live-through the very-Still and Deep essence found within you.

{It's "there".. simply 'allow'.
You already BE it.
Let it Rise and take its Fill.
Be Gentle through and within your Strong Inner Self.}

Maybe for a while, find a life of Service to others, through community?

Join something "similar" to the idea (and Ideals) of the Peace Corps, perhaps??

Throw yourself whole-heartedly into a Good Effort for the Benefit of Others.

No martyrdom.. -- lay smaller-self down to give it rest (or a burial of what was old??), and live NEW, as a Living and willing Sacrifice.

And Grow...
{{tNeptune has been square your MC for a long time, clearing the ground and asking for this.}}

In symbolics, I often view the glyph of Neptune as 'Christ on the Cross'.
So I guess, what you said about being Jesus Christ isn't too far off?
He sacrificed 'his own ego needs' to fulfill a Higher Cause, Motivated by Love.

You are POWERFUL, Bluesky.
You're a little-bit more than half way through your midlife transits. Cool thought, eh? ..
Now muster up some faith in your future.

You have a Giving Heart.
Go use your Hands, and humbly-empowered, Serve.

Serve with some people who "deserve" you, and who will appreciate the kind of Care and Talent you bring to their table.

It's already there 'in' you.. you don't have to strive or think about it. Becoming single-minded, and listening, be able to follow wise instruction for a 'period of time'. This could serve to get your life on a new track.
LEAVE the OLD Behind.. be radical like 'that'!!!! Miss Aries.

Aries are Leaders and initiators... and to be a leader, you must learn to follow too. Your Time will come. {{Heart}}

As far as you needing an "address" --

If you consult a Faith Community that works with the Homeless population, or the poor; there are SOME of these that offer "Address-Services" to those who need it.

Contact one of the mainline churches-- Episcopals, Lutherans, etc.
I had watched Prince Harry and Meghan Markle's Wedding.
Bishop Curry* gave an awesome message about Love.
There are many in that community who are dedicate servants to help others.

ref. * http://www.linda-goodman.com/ubb/Forum25/HTML/005557.html

Why weren't you asking your dad to at-least be a "mailing" address for you? Would he be willing to allow you to use his address as a place of receiving mail? Is there something you can work out with those people trying to hire you, concerning that little temporary-glitch??

Anyway. CONSIDER... {positive}
This "might" be the lowest you ever will experience in your life.
You are slowly leaving all that Behind!!
You're going to be re-newed.

Get ready for some more Positive shifts in the LONG term, for your Life.

"Shades of Job" {scriptures}

CULTIVATE a GOOD Attitude..
Treasure it,
like a Tree of Life,
will Produce Good Fruit for you.

PRUNE what needs pruning.
Don't give it a second-thought.

Cultivate positive self-talk.
Hug your inner-child.
Your on a New and Rising Life Adventure.

posted January 25, 2019 12:33 PM            

That did NOT help "you" …
It was inconsiderate..
So sorry your spirit was smarted by that.
She has NO clue (when it comes in regards to YOU).

I might say this though..
There ARE professional 'bums' in this world.
They "like" that life.
I've watched people like that get all these people to DONATE money, places to live, set-up their apartments, pay any debts--- and they RUINED it.
The people who GAVE had a VERY Good Heart.
{{I used to do that for Others too, and got burned! ~oy}}

They just couldn't see that the man had problem.
{The man later died as an alcoholic and from the elements. Well-known man in the town.}

posted January 25, 2019 03:02 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by bluesky:
all of that

---

don't lump all men in together, that's just not how it works

if all the men you find are like that, maybe that means you're looking in the wrong places, but that has no bearing on what all men offer the women they're with

women who do that just because they've had terrible experiences are often the same women who repeatedly bring men home who are just red flag after red flag, and to an extent it's usually something about what they put out that puts them in that situation

i'm sure they do want to share those rooms, especially in london with the rent prices, however maybe you're just not the right fit

you seem to think if someone passes over you for something that it must be them and not you with the issue, to a point that honestly does seem delusional

i imagine if you carry yourself the same way you do in person as you do here people spot the red flags and say "ok not her"

i'm not understanding why you don't just approach a friend who lives closeby with the suggestion that they let you use their address whether or not you're living there so that you have a "permanent residence"

your job isn't going to follow you "home" why not just lie so you can get a job and settle down eventually?

now i wouldn't exactly use the word "loony" but being real, and as someone who has no reason to be jealous of you, you do seem to exhibit some level of mental illness

now i don't mean that as an insult, a lot of people have mental issues in spite of the stigma it's perfectly normal and it isn't the same as being a raving lunatic and that doesn't mean you should be locked up or some ****

i know it's taboo in a lot of cases, but so many people are walking around medicated and in therapy that it's sort of funny really that it's so stigmatized (most likely because it's invisible illness which a lot of people really have trouble with)

i really doubt everyone who sees your issues is somehow jealous of you in any way, shape, or form

as a matter of fact i only bother pointing it out because i hope you actually seek honest help and true self reflection to get better and to a more healthy place

the issue with therapy is that most therapists aren't good enough to go based on anything other than what you tell them, and if you're telling them some filtered version of things they might just gloss over the real issues you seem to be exhibiting

the roommate you're talking about, i assume is the one you said was autistic

that being said, anyone autistic exhibiting those traits is pretty normal for autism

for someone so "understanding" they think they should be the "second coming of jesus" (and holy **** i can't believe you even said that with a woe is me sentiment rather than just straight up joking) you seem to fail to grasp what your roommate's autism was or be understanding of it

i get that it's frustrating being near someone like that when you don't have those issues, because i've been around that myself, but the **** talk like they could somehow help it shows a complete lack of understanding

someone autistic who isn't given proper care throughout their childhood is going to have a lot of trouble functioning as an adult, and that's assuming they're high functioning enough to ever get to that place

so i doubt they were jealous (someone autistic probably would've just vocalized that to be honest with you, and straight up said it), it just sounds like they were mid functioning autistic and needed help

them saying "that never happened to me" was probably just as simple as them thinking "i've never been in this position" and then saying as much, they have issues with social cues and probably didn't think about all the subtle ways someone else could take it

yelling at someone with autism, is the exact opposite of being understanding

what it sounds like is you've made yourself a victim in the roommate situation when the reality is you were just living with someone autistic and they're difficult and rather than acknowledge that you were verbally abusive by yelling a lot

you should consider not repeating that story because anyone who has been around autism will be able to see that you're being ****** up here and totally blind to the situation

i have no doubt that your mother was a narcissist (your text reads like you display some narcissistic traits, which is very common in children who were raised by narcissists, it's nearly unavoidable for them to at least get a few because that's what they've known), at the same time who calls someone up who's dying of cancer and thinks to go "well things are good for me"

most people know that's not tactful in the least, even if you hate the person

because she was focused on her having a serious illness, not on your accomplishments, and no maybe if you spoke more than once her being proud would come into play

but when it's been a while and she's got something like that? then no it's not about you

thinking "shouldn't this person with cancer stop being sad about their illness to focus on me and being proud of me" is extremely narcissistic

i've seen a lot of red flags there through your text, i've seen a good deal of narcissism firsthand so i'm pretty good at spotting it

am i calling you a narcissist straight out? no, i'm not going to attempt to diagnose you, but am i shocked about your mother? no because you exhibit a lot of narcissistic traits and it only takes one reading through this thread to see them unless you've never been exposed to it

i think you need help, and i hope you get it

and i'm not being mean here, but i find it pointless to cater to that sort of mentality because all it does is provide supply not help

me being mean would be much harsher than this, so before you say that understand that you don't know me well enough to judge what me being cruel is, and that there's nothing cruel about calling it like you see it while also urging a person to get help

a lot of narcissists hyperfocus that's actually not just an autistic trait, there's quite a few mental illnesses where obsessing over one thing at the cost of others happens frequently

so i wouldn't call you autistic, but i would say that you're engaging in unhealthy behavior and it's ok to work on changing yourself to stop that kind of thing

even if you've been doing it so long that it feels like part of you

you don't seem naive to me, you seem self absorbed, and like you live in a world where you're unable to acknowledge where you're wrong so you consistently always put it on everyone else

i haven't once seen you say "i ****** up here" unless it's been to deflect the blame outward towards someone else in the process like "i ****** up because i'm such a good person that i trusted this horrible one" and that's every time, and in 44 years i really ******* doubt that's the case always

statistically impossible

when we fail to see our own shortcomings we can't move past them or work on them

i really doubt anyone who's interviewing is thinking you're just too understanding of them to be their roommate

some people really do get the short of things often, and i'm sure you have, however the way you phrase things seems like there's a lot more there and it's not all just everyone else

even in the case of that couple you mentioned at the end of the day it's also what they're doing

now i don't agree with your mother about people choosing to be homeless, life happens, so i'm not coming from that cold standpoint where i think that it's all you and never circumstance

i absolutely believe circumstance is at play, but i also think it's you and i don't think it's that you're just such a wonderful beautiful person that the world just can't possibly handle all of your goodness

and i think realizing that yourself would be a step towards healing your wounds and overcoming them

which i do hope happens for you

posted January 26, 2019 01:31 AM            

I can see how you're analyzing the situation, and you make some good points about therapists, which I agree with and which are reasons why they often don't work.

But heck, it's not like I go to appointments with the intention of creating issues with people! Believe it or not, I in fact go in with a very positive mindset and am complimentary to people. I pick myself up and am universally pleasant, I want things to be sunny and bright, but this mindset doesn't seem to work. In fact, things often work out better when I am that much more cynical, expect nothing of people and am occasionally rude.

I try to dress in a sane and sensible manner - actually this seems to work against me, when I dress in something that's a bit more "out there", people find me more normal, I guess because fundamentally I'm arty.

I can't sugarcoat my comments about the autistic person. You did not live with them or know them in depth, and I'm afraid you can't limit your imagination to pretending that autistic people can do no wrong, or are incapable of being malicious. Believe you me, they had plenty of malice, and plenty of chips on shoulder, and they're not the only autistic person I've known with similar issues.

You say I like to blame, well, these people blame their autism for everything under the sun - and after a while, it just becomes an excuse for bad behaviour. If you live closely with them, you realize it's got nothing to do with autism and everything to do with laziness, and not wanting to make an effort, and if this sounds harsh, it's because it's true. You make mention of my disappointment that I am not appreciated - well it's hard, when people like them are completely invested in being appreciated for their so called "specialness" (even though they are actually quite ordinary) and will even invent a few behaviours in order to affect their diagnosis, get benefits etc., whilst people like myself who are apparently classed as "normal" but who are actually limping through life, couldn't get away with that crap. I've come across quite a few of these characters, and believe me, I really have seen it all. They get so many benefits it's not true.

This autistic person got me into so much trouble, I simply have never and will never forgive them. They can't seem to understand how wrong it was to do what they did to someone who up until that point had only ever done them good. And I'm not the only person who's been ****** off at them. I have known them very, very closely and believe me, they KNOW exactly what they are doing.

The same with my mother. I couldn't ever do anything right (mind you, neither could anyone else), and I honestly thought it would please her to know I was doing well, but obviously not. When I didn't have a job, that wasn't right, and when I did have a job, that wasn't right either, I couldn't win, because the goalposts were always rigged.

Believe it or not, I was trying to make her happy! I thought the fact there was a bit of good news might cheer her up. But, you know, she's only ever been interested in her own navel.She wrecked her health through longterm anorexia, we're talking 30-40 years here, because she was a control freak. She always had to be in control, it was very tiring.

And when I say I'm a second Jesus - well, you do know that's a bit of a joke, right? We Brits have a dry sense of humour, and moreover, you should know that Jesus wasn't perfect...I'd say that amongst other things he was pretty argumentative, and difficult.

I'm not quite sure why you think I don't acknowledge my faults, when apparently it's clear I have plenty of them. The point is, when I put 101% into being pleasant, nice, and everything everyone else could wish for, I get nothing back. Weirdly, if I'm more horrible...the universe is mine on a plate to do as I please with, and that seems to be the same for a lot of people that I've observed.

If you think I have lousy taste in men - well frankly I can't think of anyone I know, married or not, who is Mr. Perfect, they all seem to have their issues! (i.e. cranky, quirks)

If I can simply be friends with them, it seems to work for both them and me. I am not quite so cut and dried as you think - I don't hate men, heck, I wasn't even allowed to be around boys as a kid! Perhaps that's why I can't seem to read people that well...I focus on what they say, rather than the vibe. I especially can't read English people well.

It's not a bad point you make about using the friend's address. I can't use my Dad's address, as a) he lives at the other end of the country; b) is in India for a month.

Mirage, what is this Job transit? It's not Pluto in 4th, is it? Or continued pressure in 4th House?

One thing I do know is that my life really became difficult after 10, when I started periods. If, as you say, the difficult transits will decline after 50, perhaps that will coincide with actual menopause?

I do think the advice you give is sensible, during this time of climbing what seem to be vertical cliff faces...

posted January 26, 2019 04:16 AM            

Mirage, you give gifts - big, generous gifts wrapped up in shiny paper and with a big spanking bow on the top. Counting my blessings, if I don't have money or a home, at least I have some damn good advice at this point in my life!

Following on from what I've already described of the "autistic" people I've experienced in my life - they, independently of each other, were ever so keen that I should get myself diagnosed - so that I should be the same as them - down on their level. At least two of them said, independently of each other, "It's you and me against the world" (Huh? I wish the world would just love me!) and "You should try to get yourself diagnosed. You'll get loads of benefits". (At which point I lost all respect, because I felt that to be a sign of weakness and a cop-out)

The fact is, these people are not genuinely autistic. I've seen genuine autism in people (big time tics, making noises, not being able to communicate)and that is truly tragic and very difficult, but the people I have dealt with are not autistic, but woefully average and know it, and in fact lazy. And therefore their posing as autistics is a form of narcissism. They are pretenders, and hate people who can see right through them.

Mirage, you are very, very, VERY wise!!!

posted January 26, 2019 10:06 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by bluesky:
...

---

what point did i miss exactly? i thought you've exhibited narcissistic traits for a while now, it's not just that one particular post that i responded to just then

you don't at all seem universally pleasant, and i'm not talking about it being a matter of you venting because people have issues feel hopeless vent etc and that's completely normal

it's normal to go through rough patches, and i'd even argue it's normal to feel like dying sometimes because i haven't met a single person who's never at some point confessed to being in that state

so when i say that it has nothing to do with your hard times or anything else, there's just something about the way you talk about yourself and others that makes it seem very much like there's more there than it just being everyone being against you while you're such a good person who's always giving 110 percent etc

i can't see you so i'm not sure why your physical appearance and clothes are being brought up

i never pretended autistic people are perfect, as a matter of fact if you actually read what i said i acknowledged that they can be extremely frustrating to be around

so you glossing over that is kind of ridiculous=

people with mental issues are rarely just "being lazy" and i think it's funny how you want sympathy from others and fault your mother for saying homeless people choose to be homeless while calling people with mental issues lazy when they can't take care of themselves

autism runs on a spectrum, so on one end you'll have extremely low functioning people and on another you'll have people who can function and build relationships etc but there's usually always some sort of issue

very often it comes out in them not being able to do things that people normally do and take forgranted, and the ways they can seem normal can make it that much more frustrating for other people when they see the ways they're not

all i said was a statement like that was probably more matter of fact than loaded, because there's often not a whole lot of subtext with someone autistic when they say something

i'm sure a lot of people have been ****** off at them, it's a disorder that comes with a lot of social issues so that's typically a given

with your mother again, like i said, to me it seems a bit odd to not speak to anyone in a while and then when you do it's because they're sick and what you choose to say is "im doing good listen to my accomplishments" like i said i think most people understand how that can be tactless

and most people wouldn't expect someone in that situation to necessarily be happy for them, and then get annoyed when they're not

i'm not saying your mother was a good person, because i doubt it she sounds like a ***** , but i am saying that in that particular case you come off like you lack self awareness

if the goalposts were always being moved and you "never" did anything right by her, that's not going to change with her cancer and you should know that so why even think it? you get me?

i'm not saying that's right, it isn't, because again her behavior isn't somehow ok

however, her sounding like a narcissist and you calling her one means i'm likely right in my assessment that you exhibit narcissistic traits yourself because that's what you learned and grew up with and that's generally how these sorts of issues work

when someone paints themselves as a martyr and a victim while calling everyone else wrong them following up with a jesus joke doesn't exactly seem very far off from their own view of themselves

especially given the context

i understand dry humor, it's not exactly foreign to me

i say you don't acknowledge your faults, because i haven't seen you once say anything other than "everyone is else a problem but i give and deserve" when it comes to all of your problems

it's the way you speak, there's a pattern to it and it's one that i've seen a lot of people with narcissistic traits exhibit

even you saying "when i act horrible things can be mine" (paraphrasing obviously) that's a narcissist's way of thinking, and you saying you've observed it is you saying you feel like that's what works for people

and it does on a surface level, someone who acts like that can build themselves an appearance of success or get people to give in sometimes, but ultimately their relationships are **** and everything they have is shallow and tainted and unsatisfying when you dig deeper

of course no one is perfect, married or not, but when you say all men you've been with can't actually give you love that says to me you're probably consistently picking the wrong kinds of people

because that's absolutely not the reality of people regardless of gender

there's a difference between being imperfect (and again i'm not sure why you keep going with this idea of "perfection" or "flawlessness" like i've ever said that exists, it doesn't) and being the sort of person who isn't loving towards someone they're with

if you're finding men who aren't loving towards you, then i'd say it's not a stretch to say you need to find something better and that something is off in what you're going for (either that or it's you)

i never said i thought you were cut and dried, not sure where you're getting that

your childhood has nothing to do with what i said, you legit said that all men seem to only be able to give you what your fwbs has

you've just turned it into "no one's perfect" etc etc like anyone said that's a thing

if you were seeking perfection i'd tell you to be more realistic

well use the friend's address then if you can't use your dad's (assuming they're cool with it), then you don't have to worry about finding something permanent right away and you don't have to miss out on getting a job that would actually help you get on your feet

it's a pretty easy lie and you'd benefit from it

i've known plenty of people who have needed to do that sort of thing for ****

posted February 01, 2019 09:23 AM            

I tell you one thing, there is no way I am contacting my father ever again, except for money. Any affection I ever had for him or the rest of my family has been extracted through every orifice. Still he is in India and no word, not even an email.

I would have loved to have thought family would work for me at some point during this lifetime, but it never has and to be honest, I should have ditched the lot of them the moment I reached 18, walked out and never come back. That was the mistake I made, hanging on to them in the hope I could squeeze blood out of a stone.

I'm sore, but am exploring other work opportunities...

posted February 01, 2019 09:44 AM            

Put that out of your head.
It takes TIME for people to get to know one another.
You have beautiful FAVOR with that boss.
Put your eyes forward, nose to the grindstone, and start STEPPIN' UP.
Get established!!

I know a little how you feel regarding family.
With mine, I was 'the scapegoat'. I did not feel loved nor accepted by them. Horribly sad, because I had A LOT to Give.

You know, you can have those feelings you're having about them. It's good to talk with your friends, and let off any steam.

IF you hope to have maybe any future relationship with them, then maybe, hold space of objective Kindness towards them.

WHEN you have established self, and got your feet on the ground, and feel that 'potency' once more which will CALM you...
AND, when you are stabilized, and are able to get your wits about you once more,
THEN, you can add so much more to your life using your artistic talents, and monetizing them.

posted February 02, 2019 05:52 AM            

Yes, I can "feel" when planets make alignments to my Sun.

There are a few things to be grateful for, I guess...
The place I am living in is MUCH smaller than my previous huge flat. It is a tiny loft conversion ensuite room, really dinky. It is undisturbed and quiet, and transport, library, waterfront and library are all really close. A completely different part of London to the one I'm used to. It is a nice change not to have all the responsibility in terms of bills, but also have access to amenities....I now know why I don't go on holidays much or live out of a suitcase or on people's couches. I need routine, I need a fridge, and a washing machine!

It is also very private, and when I had norovirus during the middle of this week, it was good to have a place which was quiet and secluded, and where I could just get on with being sick...not to mention I smashed both knees twice through overbalancing with a heavy rucksack on my back - once when a silly girl tripped me up at Euston, and once when I was approaching my new abode and tripped over the kerb in the dark. That landing on my knees was probably one of the most painful things I've ever experienced, and I honestly did not think I was going to walk again. I managed to struggle to my feet and spent the best part of the next 5 minutes groaning. My right knee is almost uniformly yellow with bruising right now!!

Not having to take so much responsibility for the house is beginning to free up my mind. Then again, I've noticed that a lot of people these days, even of my age, don't do the cleaning, or do the ironing - they farm it out to someone else. I really must have been a Muggins trying to do all the domestic stuff as well as everything else. Then again, I'm guessing that's a function of tr. Saturn through 4th.

I've downloaded a few Art programs to experiment with. There is also a possible paid art project on the horizon, and an arty friend wants to do a song video with me.

posted February 05, 2019 11:02 AM            

I've never been unfaithful, I've never murdered anyone, I've never beat a child, I've never committed a crime. Yet people have always jumped down my throat, it seems, just on account of my breathing. They have followed me around, like the Pied Piper, since schooldays. I don't get it.

Perhaps I ought to reinvent myself as the new Jesus Christ
(Version 2). After all, people saw him as challenging, and seemed to want to project their sins onto him. With a difference: He did not have a problem with that; I do.

posted February 06, 2019 11:59 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by bluesky:
I've never been unfaithful, I've never murdered anyone, I've never beat a child, I've never committed a crime. Yet people have always jumped down my throat, it seems, just on account of my breathing. They have followed me around, like the Pied Piper, since schooldays. I don't get it.

---

I have no patience to go through 6 pages but I just wanna say I understand how you feel. Sometimes I feel that way too.

But take heart because if you have hit rock bottom, the only way you can go is UP.

posted February 12, 2019 06:47 AM            

My Dad got back from India and phoned me. I explained to him calmly what had happened and mentioned that I had been unable to contact him. He snapped: "DON'T YOU TALK TO ME LIKE THAT!" I thought, like what? Did he have a guilty conscience or something? Anyway, he said that he had tried to ring my mobile, and also had his partner's daughter ring me from the UK. He was able to confirm that he did indeed have the right telephone number.

I've heard it all now, I thought, because this was a complete and utter, out-and-out lie on his part. So not only did he **** off to India and deliberately not contact me, but also lied about it. If the daughter had phoned me she would likely have left a message. I did not receive phone calls from any unknown mobiles which I did not follow up, so his attempting to weave a wonderful web of untruth just didn't cut it.

I didn't let on that I knew he was lying, just kept calm, but he then said a very strange thing. He said: "are you begrudging me having a holiday?" I said: "OF COURSE not. Did you have a nice time?" To which he replied no, he didn't, as the place had been overdeveloped and he didn't like it much anymore and hadn't really enjoyed himself. I thought it served him right.

Anyway, it's put another nail in the coffin that is our relationship. I don't want to think about my family and what idiots they are, any more than I can help.

I've been through so much trauma that I now feel completely cold emotionally - which is, I suppose, why I now have no problem with FWB relationships. I don't trust people, I don't believe them, I don't feel for them.

I do have a particular Art/ writing goal in mind, and that's what I'm working on right now. I thought to myself, this trying incessantly to look for jobs and having no luck is driving me round in circles and making me mad.

I believe what I've been feeling has been due to misalignment with my life's purpose. I came here to create, that's what I was born to do, and in attempting to do something else, I was only digging myself deeper into debt to finance the lifestyle which went along with having a better paid job, and feeling more and more bloody miserable.

posted February 12, 2019 10:11 AM            

Apparently, he himself is dealing with things that you aren't aware of. Could indicate his present-state of feeling 'powerless' against something that is challenging his OWN private sense of authority and pre-eminence.
{sorry that he 'dumped' that on you.}

You know, what you "did" -- by going within and leaving-alone what's going-on with the 'outside-circumstance' of you-- where you were able to change your Focus instead onto doing what you love (your art, being Creative) -- is not-only feeding your soul, but gives you a new slate and chance to Produce something now, that might benefit you in your future.

Hope your job is doing okay. It's what you need 'for now' in the interim.

Smiling… It's your 'energetic' version .. of the words to this song.. Remove your worries (for now), and move up onto the dreamer's and creator's roof.

(music) Up On The Roof (Carole King, and James Taylor) [5:10] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zoRY_nGty1A

{{{Good Job, Bluesky! *High Five*}}}

posted February 12, 2019 11:47 AM            

I have not heard back from the employer, and to be honest I don't think they will employ me. Still I have lost no time in applying for other jobs, but I have not made it my priority at all costs. I want to focus on what I already have, and how I can monetize it.

If I just relax a bit more, then I figure the universe will provide for me. I was tying myself up in knots before and, you know, sometimes you just have to let things go.

I spoke with a good friend this afternoon, she is very old, but her mind is still sharp as a tack. She has a formidable intellect, reads anything and everything and we had an excellent conversation.

What do I love and value? Creativity, friends, a mostly quiet, peaceful and private home life.

I want the life I want. Not the life people think I should have. And I actually like it being simpler. Not bogged down with loads of stuff!!! I have come full circle. I have realised I actually don't need to throw my creativity out with the bathwater. It's who I am.

posted February 16, 2019 02:17 PM            

Personally, I feel that the employer-person with a Heart, who bailed you out by offering you a job AND giving you money for that place you live now, did a Great thing for you in a time of dire need.

Maybe you can Devote a song or a piece of Art to her some day? Let her know how much you appreciated what she did for you when you were in incredibly dire need for supports and supporters.

(I was truly worried about you.)

Well...
I Guess it all worked out for you.

Mars is in Taurus now.
Uranus isn't too far behind...

posted February 17, 2019 03:20 AM            

Plus, a recurring theme over the last few years has been people promising to help me - the old "I'll do anything for you" and then they go back on it! EVERY TIME!!!

posted February 17, 2019 04:25 AM            

I think it will be THIS YEAR when I FINALLY STOP.

It's normal for my FWB and I not to be able to sleep in the same bed together (we are both insomniacs) but he said I was burning up, whereas he was freezing cold!

A school friend who started periods around the same time I started mine has also stopped (for a year - I was younger than my school class, so this figures).

I recently went on a predominantly vegan diet and had period pains at the appropriate time, but no period. I think the vegan diet will help as there are far too many xenoestrogens in the environment anyway.

It does make you feel like you are going insane though!