posted January 16, 2019 12:06 AM            

paraphrasing here, but that's essentially what a good deal of this thread has been

seems unlikely, just saying

i'm glad you spoke to a counselor, you should continue and be willing to look at yourself instead of pointing the finger everywhere else

posted January 16, 2019 12:07 AM            

Glad you were able to dump out all those toxins and tears.. It's okay to be angry, and to cry, and to take a huge dance on top of your tiara. Real things have happened to you, that are unfair...

Take the time you need to pull yourself together soon. Giving you a Head's Up.

tMars in Aries... is heading to conjunct with Eris and tUranus Aries ON YOUR SUN.

You're already "in" the tUranus ON your Sun.
When tMars Aries approaches, you NEED to be "positioning" yourself and your energies. Find a way to have it work FOR you. (not against, not harming self nor any other creature)

Forewarned, is Forearmed.

The heaviest part of this will be the first two weeks of February 2019.

Like I said too.. This eclipse to happen next Sunday/Monday may surprise you?? (I hope, positively-- stay STEADY...).

Sometimes eclipses can bring good things -- Has a window of 6 Months. Watch for it.
..
The Earth's Shadow will fall on the Moon, and may "reveal" something to you that you weren't aware of? .. It's a marvelous time to JUST "allow" the universe to strip off anything you do not want to be a part of your future (in the way you are feeling).
Let the cosmic forces wash and strip your energetic field CLEAN of all the gnarlies… Stand and give it TO the Moon and burn it up in the good Sun.

Try to find a day of Play. This whole week, trying to FIND that Sense of Play within yourself. Your InnerChild needs a playday.

As MUCH as you can do so...
Find a way to find a way to be and stay Safe.

Find a way to cry, write, do art, or go work it out PHYSICALLY somewhere.

Do you think you can find someone willing to do some safe physical "wrestling" with you??

Do you have any folks (big-sized folks) you can physically trust, to take you to a matted place (wresting or boxing ring/gym), and would allow you to "try to 'take them down'"?? .. Then maybe afterwards, just to just 'hold' you a bit?
Then take a GOOD hot shower, and cool down.

posted January 16, 2019 12:20 AM            

Sometimes confrontations can be sooo hard. I admire your persistence, AND, I see Bluesky as (actually) taking some of this in (to her benefit and bravery).

Thank you for caring 'that much' to stick your neck out in that way, for another human being.

posted January 16, 2019 10:47 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by mirage29:
(Dumuzi.. I do have an appreciation for everything you're saying. I think you have good intentions, and a great Heart; showing that you are trying to do a right thing.

Sometimes confrontations can be sooo hard. I admire your persistence, AND, I see Bluesky as (actually) taking some of this in (to her benefit and bravery).

Thank you for caring 'that much' to stick your neck out in that way, for another human being.

Sorry to hear about your health, man. Made me sad. I hope something can be invented to help you. )

---

not "trying" i'd say i was, i think it'd be irresponsible to not relay reality back to her

when you see someone talking about all of the good things they do as they tell you the world is against them and no one has feelings anymore etc but also getting a little vicious (someone here said absolutely nothing wrong, but felt like they had to delete their comment because of an imaginary slight that was met with lashing out) or demanding attempts to control situations they don't like with manipulative behavior ("someone say something that fits my standards or i'll do something drastic" paraphrasing but you could go back to page 4) that indicates much larger issues than what's being said here

and i get that your approach is from this comforting standpoint where you're trying to soothe and that's cool,and a lot of the **** you said was totally valid as far as them being good exercises for controlling emotions go

but i don't think that it does any good overall to ignore the displayed behavior that's clearly not helping the issues

it feeds the "victim" mentality, it feeds the idea that it's the country and everyone in it and everyone she's ever done anything for etc who are somehow at fault for her unhappiness and misfortune

it takes away accountability which she clearly already has a hard time with

anyone who does good things for someone else with pure intent (helping the other person) accepts that they might never get anything in return for it and knows there's no strings or obligations to be had

you can't expect that, it's only people who do good things with strings and expectations attached who think otherwise

and people like that generally do things to try to make others feel obligated, like they owe them something

bluesky clearly feels owed and entitled, it's obvious, because she wouldn't mention the good things she does otherwise

while speaking about those things, she's also downing everyone else ignoring that anyone else has feelings and even went as far as to complain about an entire country in this "everything is against me" sortof way

she straight up dehumanizes others with her words

now call me crazy, but i don't think it's helpful to say she's "bravely" dealing with anything, because there's no bravery in scapegoating the entire world around you and everyone in it

just saying

i'm sorry if my life has made you sad btw lol, but i didn't say that as some sob story

i was illustrating how you can feel hopeless and then end up in a worse situation and somehow find something better in that and a desire to keep going on an internal level

i was explaining that circumstance and surroundings are only part of the experience of life, and that even pain can bring out something beautiful

because when someone is experiencing severe depression sometimes they really need to come to a place where they stop looking for something outside of themselves and find it within, what she needs is internal not external

the external world would fall into place much better for her if she worked on the internal one first

and that's not to down her in any way, everyone has **** they can work on and everyone has their flaws

we can all be better internally, but we have to also be willing to accept that and actually look

there's no progress outside that doesn't start inside unless you're going to wait around for someone to rescue you and that's just not life

to me you seem like you're scared to poke a bear, and i get it, but sometimes you gotta to get past it

posted January 17, 2019 07:57 AM            

Doing things for people is called caring. It means actually giving a damn, caring about that other person's health and wellbeing. Trying to make a better life for everyone. The little practical things that make all the difference. Earning the money in order to keep everyone afloat. Cooking them a decent meal, washing their clothes, buying them new clothes and sheets when theirs were literally threadbare, listening to all their problems, giving them sex, giving them lessons in hygiene, and generally running around doing everything to get the show on the road.

I'm aware that a lot of people are uncomfortable with the way Aries express themselves, it doesn't gel well with them, because to them our manner of talking sounds hard. Well, you know what, we are amongst the gentlest and yes, most misunderstood people. People just say, as they did about Scarlett O'Hara, "oh, she never had anything thrown at her that she couldn't cope with" as though we deserved less decent treatment than other signs. We are universally hated for being capable and looking after everybody; people treat us as though we were simpletons. Whereas the incapable sods like Ashley and Melanie sit around and are popular, but don't do much else.

If you think I'm vicious, go listen to someone like Elton John, or better still, my Sagittarius mother. Then you will understand the meaning of the word. I don't think I've ever heard either of them apologize, ever.

Actually, it's to Mirage's credit that she's able to be the bigger person here, and by the way, as she says, I do appreciate your contribution. I just don't think we're coming from the same angle.

posted January 17, 2019 09:41 AM            

doing things for other people can be caring, but it isn't necessarily all depends on the place it's coming from

also what you did here is twist my words, because i said it's not pure when expectations and strings are attached

you'd be lying if you said you had no expectations or strings because you wouldn't refer to it like "i did this and no one does anything for me" because when you speak like that the unsaid implied bit is "i'm owed" or "i deserve" and there's no such thing as that

to do things from a true place of caring is to do them without expectation that you'll somehow be repaid one day

and that's what i said, i called it impure, because it is

see what you do when you go on and on about how good you are while saying the entire world is against you is you paint this picture of you being a victim, but then the way you speak to people (in this thread and i'm sure outside of it) and about people paints this picture that makes it seem like you might do nice things but you're hard to be around

someone can provide without being the sort of person anyone wants to be there for or be around because of their attitude rather than what they hand out

hand outs don't make anyone necessarily want to be around you, because what you can give isn't who you are

i'm not at all uncomfortable with the way aries expresses emotions, and it's kind of funny that you assume that

must be your excuse, but you're talking to an aries moon who is in a longterm relationship (14 years and counting) with another aries moon, my mother is an aries moon, close friend is an aries rising with mars conjunct etc and i nearly always get along well with aries

they're one of my favorite signs generally, funny enough and i don't have those views on any level

but notice how you built yourself up there while tearing down others based on traits and made a bunch of projections and assumptions as if i'm somehow bias against your sign?

so it's not that

as for your mother being a certain way has nothing to do with how i view you

i might meet her and go "i hate that ***** " right? but what does that have to do with your behavior? nothing, that's you deflecting onto someone else

she has nothing to do with this conversation, her behavior is irrelevant and doesn't even need to be mentioned to be honest

because all it does is say "i don't like personal responsibility and don't talk about my behavior because look someone else is this way"

if one guy murders 3 people and another one only murders one they're both still murderers yeah? extreme example but you get me

viciousness might be on a spectrum, but that doesn't really matter when you're talking about an individual and not comparing them to other people

there's no reason to compare you to anyone, because that doesn't change you

so people can say all the **** they want, never apologize, and be terrible people and that's no reflection on you and has nothing to do with your behavior

someone can be worse than me, that doesn't me a better person you get me?

mirage said things you like, so you're going to be happier with her and defend what she said

this is typical of you from what you've shown in this thread repeatedly

you build up opinions you like, and argue ones you don't all the while not entirely reflecting on what's actually said

and i can prove that because if you just look back on everything i've said throughout this thread you'd see that on multiple occasions i've acknowledged that your mood swings are probably difficult

i even compared them to the mood swings i can experience from having seizures, and i acknowledged sometimes in the moment they can't be helped

what i said about all of that was, when you know that's what you're doing you can then make changes before and after and take that responsibility and say "this is separate from me and who i actually am"

so you're straight up lying to me about **** i've said to try to prove a nonexistent point

me being a guy has nothing to do with it, because i might not be going through menopause like you (if i was a woman i would be too young for that anyway being real here) but i do have something wrong neurologically that does affect my moods

i've woken up and been uncontrollably depressed and on edge for absolutely no reason only to have a really bad seizure a couple hours later and i've learned to recognize it step back and be like "hey this emotion i'm feeling it's there for no reason because i'm probably going to have a seizure today" and from there i know how much weight it deserves which is none because they're a result of a neurological issue not me or my life and they'll pass

i don't see how your mood swings are any different just because they're menopause rather than seizure related

have i lost my temper just because i was on edge due to the seizures? yeah absolutely, and i've immediately apologized and been like "yo i'm probably going to have a seizure, i'm sorry i should be alone til this passes" and then i remove myself and over time i've gotten even better at acknowledging and controlling to an extent

there's no real excuse for letting things like that take total of control of you other than you choosing to allow it at the end of the day

i legit can't give a free pass when i know what it is to just wake up in the morning and be a ******* mess for reasons out of my control

if anything i see that as even more of a reason to need personal accountability and inner strength to take control of that sort of situation and those issues

posted January 17, 2019 09:42 AM            

I am either a sex object, apparently, or a permanently revolving cog in the system. Take your pick. Being a sex object is less work, but if I was a professional hooker, it wouldn't be.

I grew up in a very repressive household where sex was the root of all evil. I was kept away from men from 4-14 and was eventually so desperate that I said to my mother at 16 (not underage, here) "I'm so desperate for a boyfriend/ sex" and she replied "if you're so desperate, you should become a ***** ".

I did consider escorting/ porn movies briefly, but neither appealed because of the intimacy issues and risk of disease. I have considered stripping. Weird, guys can't get enough of photos of my legs in stockings.

posted January 17, 2019 09:48 AM            

And no, I absolutely do not agree with you regarding: accountability etc. It is after all a free country, and I am allowed to agree or disagree with different opinions, right? All I can say is you are wrong about the situation, you don't know me personally.

posted January 17, 2019 10:18 AM            

i'm sure people do treat you like an object sometimes, that's very common

i'm bi and i've had plenty of older gay men offer me housing, and my own business and gifts and money etc for sex and to go live with them and play pretend all the while they don't actually give a **** about anything other than the way i look

i've had women grope me and **** so i do understand that, and that sort of thing can be depressing

i've thought plenty of times if i was single i'd probably just go for some arrangement like that because **** it why not?

i was raised catholic so i do understand the repression especially because like i said i'm bi, and i'm not even like "i can hide it" bi everyone knows and always has and that in catholic school and with my family etc not a good time

the one time in my life i ever tried having a legit conversation with my father it was about getting help for feeling suicidal and he gave me a long speech about how he didn't accept me at all because of who i am and my sexuality etc and then handed me money as if that would somehow help anything

so i get the **** you're saying, i'm not entirely sure what it has to do with anything that was said but i can relate

i don't see that sort of thing as a reflection on most people though and i see you down the idea that people do have feelings or even recognize yours

i'm sure sometimes they don't, and i know what that is to be like "i'm a person not just a sex toy or something to look at" but that's just a disconnect

never say it's a "free country" because nowhere is free and that's just spouting propaganda and slogans that keep people blind to the reality of what living in any country actually is

only place anyone is free is inside their own heads

you can completely disagree with me, i expect and there's no surprise there

but you disagreeing doesn't change my mind, because i'm not basing my words on the fact that you disagree i'm basing it on things you've been saying since this thread started

when i talk about taking accountability for your behavior during mood swings i mean, you can disagree about that being necessary but that doesn't really change the fact that it is and you'd probably have an easier time with people if you owned your faults

i haven't seen you once mention any issues within yourself, i see everything being "these people or this country or those things" etc and so on and i think anyone who's honest with you would tell you that it's impossible that everything is outside of you and your control

posted January 17, 2019 11:11 AM            

no one is important past keeping it going and those with power staying that way

dissatisfaction with that sort of life outside of what's natural to humans (it's a lot closer to domestication) is perfectly natural, and a lot of people feel it

problem is people are feeling it and then not finding ways to live outside of it or collapse it

have you considered taking your writing skills and your dissatisfaction with the system and the world etc and doing something with it instead of just falling in line and trying to fit a failing system that doesnt work for the masses?

legit curious, your observations of the system arent inaccurate and there's plenty of platforms where you can take both your creative skills and everything you feel and see and put it out there to try to find likeminded people and attempt to inspire change

i understand your frustration, but utilize it instead of letting it crush you

posted January 17, 2019 11:43 AM            

There was one more transit that is affecting you that I kept NOT being able to include yet.

Astrologically, you have your fantastically energizing, BlackMoonBeotch LOL in Capricorn at 27.18, that is in a T-square with your SunAries opp UranusLibra. It's interesting to see also that Dumuzi's Aries Moon is inbetween your MercuryAries and Chiron Aries 20+.

heh heh…

Hi Dumuzi!!!! You are an extraordinary person. You have "mastered" so much of you, because of the discipline you have been exercised with, and the many challenges you deal with constantly. Thank you for your illustrations. You have a LOT of "support" too, from your family and friends.. your sister.

Your a Virgo. Bluesky is Aries-- and more and more a Mars-LIT-Aries right now!!

Bluesky!!!!!
Please don't go into streetwhoring. You can catch some super-nasty diseases that will DEFINITELY last you all life long. Or, meet some quite-unsavory characters who could injure you and stalk.

You think you feel sick NOW?? omg. The constant trips to the doctor, and treatments for that, can be expensive and make you sicker??!!!! (I worked in a health clinic once, where the johns brought in their girls for GYN diseases and healthcare.)

For you right know, it's GOOD for you to let-off some of that extra-steam, and 'not taking prisoners'!!!!!

My piece in some of this conversation is that I LIVED in a World of being Blamed for EVERYTHING wrong. I 'lived' the REAL and actual "scapegoat" energies (especially with the family that I have been estranged from for decades). From their standpoint, EVERYTHING was "my fault".. And, I had the 'duty' to be their slave-- all the responsibility, with no say nor escape in the matter.

There very much IS such a thing AS being a victim.

Some "unbalanced" philosophies like to POKE "all blames at" the victim, to the point of actually destroying that person inside, if they don't have the ego-strength to fight for themselves rather than "take ALL blame?"

haha, gently. I loved playing with the image of "poking the bear"?? Depends what the finger is doing??

If you go stabbing the bear in the eyeball, that's only going to **** him off!!! LOL

If you offer peanutbutter and honey on the end of it, that bear will accept the finger from a whole other perspective.
A Friend or a Foe??

Dumuzi.. your NN-Aries Moon energy is 'enabled' by a tight fire-trine with Mercury Leo and Uranus Sag!!! ..
Corresponds soo well with Bluesky's fire-energies too!

But, back to what I was going to share with Bluesky and her BlackMoonLilith.

BlackMoonLilith Capricorn 27.17'
Ground-zero for mega-energy TRANSITS ..
read this website.
tPluto to BML
tSaturn to BML

USE it to your "advantage" Bluesky.
You're riding the Rocket!!!
Maneuver... be Wise.
Funnel that beautiful Aries energy of yours.
USE your Creativity, your ART, your Music.
You can Serve Humanity doing so.

Humanity NEEDS Creative artists (of all kinds), to help revive her, and express her soul-- otherwise we turn into a utilitarian race of soulless joyless 'obedient' robots and slaves.

The Arts INCREASE Productivity in human lives.

While I was reading, I saw the overall energies that are astrologically going on ..

Was reminding me of this comedy sketch--
my heavens!!! this is so revealing of a bit of the energy-dynamics of what's going on in SOCIETY as a whole?

You can even imagine these are TRANSIT energies, as the girls handle each chocolate, then, the Universe starts SPEEDING the aspects up for you?? haha

It's like-- SOMETHING's gotta Give?!! rofl

(topic) "Lucy and Ethel's Chocolate Factory Job" (The Lucy Show, vintage) [3:10] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=50wihQ4dwsg

We have to try to rise-above the onslaught and laugh at ourselves, and support each other THROUGH it.

Big HUGS to everyone participating here.
I Value all the information and EXCELLENT discussions.

This old TV program presents a really crude male response towards women going through 'the change'--

if you're not easily insulted (and can rise above it), this can be hilarious!!!

Was a popular TV show back in the mid-later 1900s, that highlighted some extremes in politics, the oppressive INSULTING male patriarchal viewpoints on the freedom of women and women's issues/the-feminine, and other types of egregiously prejudicial discriminating mindsets.

(topic) Edith and 'the change' {menopause} (Archie Bunker) [1:25] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Baoi5PGk5rw

Dumuzi.. I DO hear your compassion about women's hormonal changes.
-- haha, add a bit of Aries, and mars transits???,
and for Bluesky-- add a BLACK MOON LILITH transit to that????
hahahahahahahahah!!

Bluesky!!! .. You Go Gurl *thumbsup*
Just, do it SAFELY??? for your own well-being, and future Reputation.

When I was a single mom, I'd HAVE to set aside a certain hour after my kids went to bed, when I would "perform" a "dying duck fit"!!

I would THROW every single NEGATIVE I could come up with, and do it with DRAMA and PASSION. I would throw my tiara's and take a TOTAL MELT-DOWN "FIT" about my situation.. Sometimes I would just bawl out my eyes, and want to scream (which, I couldn't!!! so I didn't wake or disturb my kids).

I found these "melt-downs" to be [/I]medicinal[/I]!!!

Sometimes, having a total melt-down CAN let you see solutions you hadn't seen before. It's all about 'the energy' and RELEASING of what is 'too much' to handle all-by-your-self!!

Balance it, Bluesky!!! You can Do This.

Dumuzi.. you'll find that some of what you're saying 'fits' this.

It's all about being "constructive" about what you 'say' and the ability of the hearer to use it.

BlackMoonLilith---
CAPRICORN
- http://www.tdjacobs.com/articles/the-lilith-pages/lilith-signs/
tPLUTO, and tSATURN conjunct BML
- http://www.tdjacobs.com/articles/the-lilith-pages/transits-to-lilith/

explore too, his approach to natal aspects.

There are two BMLS, the average and the true.
I'm using the average/mean Apogee, as given in the astro com charts.

posted January 17, 2019 12:41 PM            

not sure what you mean about me having a lot of support, i don't really speak to most of my family and when i do we keep it light and there's no actual deeper conversation (unless it's about them, not me)

i have 2 brothers, no sisters (where did you get a sister from?), closest i had to a sister was my fiancee's younger sister and she died back in june

my older brother and i barely get along, my younger brother and i barely see each other and most of our conversations are about video games books or his life

i've always been the family emotional dumping ground, my own feelings have been on me to deal with

which is fine, but that's more in line with reality

a good deal of my personal life and emotions etc isn't known to my family on any level

only my fiancee and even then i'm more there for her than vice versa in that manner

i know what it is to be a scapegoat, i've lived through narcissistic abuse and i wasn't the golden child or person in the situation

i know what it is to have "everything" be my fault (and have it said to me just like that) and to be beaten and hit for things someone else did (my father was a big fan of hitting me for things my younger brother did for example or even things that weren't even problems i.e. when my brother was about 2 and i was about 6 he tripped over a block while my father was watching us, my father who hadn't been paying attention heard him crying and immediately ran into the room and just started hitting me and screaming at me for it without even asking what happened because it legit didn't matter to him) so i'm not somehow unaware that things like that do happen to people

of course people can be victims of things, i even acknowledged her abuse and said i understood that sort of **** happens

however there's a difference between being a victim in some situations and always looking outside of yourself for problems you're experiencing

and ultimately no matter what's outside of you, you still have control of yourself

there's being a victim of something, and then there's having a victim mentality

one can't be helped, the other can

i'm used to women's hormonal **** , i've lived with my fiancee for 13 years and for a few days every month my voice ****** her off along with everything i say among other things

but it's always a matter of what comes next really

i don't blame people for the things others have done to them, and i don't blame people for being weak or flawed

posted January 17, 2019 04:01 PM            

I deal with a lot of disturbances here, PLUS chronic headaches..
It's hard for me sometimes to remember all the details of people's lives. I mix things up (sorry), unless I have solid repeated contacts with them, and am able to pay good-attention to all that they say.
It's one of my flaws.

Wow.. You have had a really long-term relationship. Kudos!!!

Yes, I TOO had been raised in a dysfunctional home.
My mother did things to my little-toddler brother that ALMOST killed him-- a few times.
He laid there unconscious on the counter in the kitchen, TWICE, from things she did to him, due to her violent acting-out personality.
(After she had broken a glass bottle over his head-- that 'happened' also to hit part of a door that 'saved' his life, she looked at ME, as though *I* had done it. {I lived paralyzed-freaked!!}
Very soon after that 'bottle' incident, she opened a baby-gate and KICKED him down some steep cellar stairs for 'crying' that he wanted to go down there to 'play'.
When she started being upset, I was freaked, and bolted instinctively to the front door-knob again.
She did what she did, then *blamed* me-- as though *I* had done it.
I spent hours of trauma therapy trying to concretely separate the HARD Fact of HER opening the safety gate, placing her pink-slippered foot under his diaper, and sending him in an airborne kick down a flight of stairs.
Then, she turned to me and said.. "YOU" did this.

I had a VERY scary mom.
She did things that modern-day cops would have arrested her for.
I walked on eggshells around her, trying to keep her happy and undisturbed.
She didn't just do damage to my body's internal organs, but her rejection of me 'as a person' was the CRUELEST thing she ever did.

I grew up feeling worthless, and in-the-way.

Wow.. *tears*.
What a day, huh?

I Value what you are saying.
It IS very clear, and I 'do' get it.

If I can say something about that???
You're right about when people giving feedback about hysterics?
And,
put self in her shoes..
unconsciously feeling (invisibly, unwittingly) as though she's a horse and people are trying to 'break' her will??
{{Just possible observation??}}
I KNOW you are attempting to help.
I Believe she IS growing and taking it in.
It's not going unheeded.

~~

posted January 17, 2019 04:26 PM            

What an INTERESTING and very RICH thread this is!

posted January 17, 2019 05:07 PM            

it's cool, you remembered a lot anyway, i was just confused is all

it can take me a while with people too when there's no one on one, if i talk to someone in a more private setting though it's totally different and then things click about them much quicker

sorry to hear about the chronic headaches, those are a *****

yeah her and i have been together since hs and i've known her about 20 years, we actually bonded a lot over hiding from abuse at home together that was a big part of foundation

just being there for each other because no one else was, and we saw the abuse in each other's homes up close too

your mother sounds like she was terrifying

seeing one of your siblings get thrown the stairs like that is ****** , even without the blame being directly placed on you there's this feeling that it's your fault somehow for not stopping it

or at least that's how i felt as a kid seeing my father do that to my older brother, and i can't even imagine how much being directly blamed by her must've ****** with you

because it's so hard to reconcile that it isn't your fault to begin with, you always sort of feel like "well if i did that right then maybe they wouldn't have ..." except that's never the case, because people like that will always find something to explode over

my father's rejection of me as a person (on some levels) actually never bothered me, because i always felt like i rejected him as a person so i just always saw it as us being even which is fine with me

but i know how bad that kind of thing can hurt, because i've seen it with my fiancee and her mother and my older brother with my father where no matter how cruel that person is there's that desire still to have your parent accept you and see you as an individual who matters

i'm cold in that way though i suppose, always have been, i never cared much whether he liked me or not i mostly just avoided him

it's funny because i don't dislike him in the sense that i can watch him speak to other people and find him amusing, him and i can make fun of things the same way for hours but that's about it

my parents have been married longer than i've been alive and i've never had an actual conversation with my father aside from that one time i mentioned where he told me he didn't accept me as a person and gave me money for being suicidal

i bought drugs with it tbh

my mother was also abusive and in some ways worse, but i was her favorite and she was always nicer than my dad when she was nice

that's not including abuse outside of the home being groped by strangers and **** etc

but anyway like i was saying, i don't resent either of them for what happened

i know they were both abused and probably shouldn't have had children so i don't hold it against them that they had no idea what to do and couldn't handle their feelings or being parents

they're better grandparents now to my niece than they were parents so i figure at least she's helped them grow you know?

it's sad that you grew up feeling worthless, you seem like a really loving and caring person, which can be really rare when it comes to someone who's been abused

i hope you feel differently now at least

you're right it's hard to see things when you're emotionally involved in them and for her it's her life so she is

i could probably stand to give people the benefit of the doubt sometimes, but i'm very much inclined to feel like you're a much softer person than i am with more faith lol

still i'm easily swayed enough by an approach like yours to ease up a bit

posted January 17, 2019 09:32 PM            

Dumuzi said...
"just being there for each other because 'no one else was'"

(I might write longer about other things said in various posts, at another time.)
I see some edit-extending of conversations, very nice!

Like you said, Dumuzi..
writing and picking things out is a laborious task. *smile*
I LOVE face-to-face, deep sharing with another person.
It's nutrition!

What you said about your relationship is fabulous. You are indeed 'A Lucky Man'-- having someone who is "there" for you. You are to be congratulated. -- It's amazing, that you have successfully shared your lives for the past 20 years. You have been engaged for a LONG time too.
And with the two of you having an abuse background, I can imagine and 'understand' the Wait.
Saying fiancée, is LIKE telling others you're an 'item' and not-available to others.

Two people, consolidated, empowering and supporting each other, can take on the whole [bleeping] world and Win it over.

And when these are a committed part of a group/tribe/village, cooperative work-family-team, then that Force is multiplied.

so yeah...
There are a LOT of hurt and walking-wounded on this earth-- some with cheery dispositions, doing things for others.

Everyone deserves to feel that 'someone' accepts them, and loves them-- and to have that care reciprocated..

It's part of nurturing your fellow human. Bringing out their Best self.

Faith in people?..

Yes I do. It's amazing what a tiny bit of tea & sympathy can do for 'some' people. I personally think and feel that it can help to bring a person 'back' to themselves.
Back to who they are, and soothed, and feeling their potentials again.

Tea & Sympathy..
and
you can throw in a judicious, Rightly-delivered nudge of KITA too, sometimes! Depending on the situation.
Some people are ALREADY their OWN worse enemy-- can be kicking their own ass, in their minds, WAY more than others guess. *bheart*.

See you very-fine folks later.

I left this song for someone in a different forum. I share it for all of you here, too.

posted January 18, 2019 09:03 AM            

i'm not big on deep sharing in all honesty, i'll share but not usually things i actually have current feelings about if it's anything negative unless i'm really close to someone

i'm open about a lot of things, but i feel pretty neutral about those things and that's why i'm open

if i'm really upset or some **** i won't speak to anyone

i do feel lucky to have her in my life, and thank you

we actually haven't been engaged for very long, a good deal of our relationship we were both being afraid of getting married and dealing with our families and the **** show a wedding would be

it was just never a thing just went the living together matching tattoo route instead, unless you count a private occult ritual marriage but that's not exactly formal

the abuse made a lot hard, it's why we don't have kids though well that and we spent a lot of the earlier years of our relationship taking care of her siblings (twins, 7 years younger than us, her brother is still alive) after her father died

so it's like we had teenagers at a very young age

i don't have faith in most people, i attempt faith but i generally lack it on many levels

i find people generally disappointing

it's not that i think they're bad, on an individual level i like most people

it's on the whole when you look at the world and the bigger picture that i find them mostly depressing

i think you're right on an individual level no bigger picture, overall state of though is another story

i like when people think the way you do though, i find it endearing

posted January 18, 2019 09:31 AM            

Anything transiting Capricorn is always hard for me. I thought I was done with Uranus and Neptune in Capricorn in the 90s, and hey ho, Pluto in Capricorn kicks in now.

Interesting what you mentioned earlier in the thread about having a rash - I also have come out in a rash, possibly due to stress. I don't think I would be much up to stripper auditions right now, as it is very flaky, and neither too appealing either from a visual or tactile point of view.

Jesus - I don't know that I could even think of kicking a baby down the stairs, let alone blaming it on the sibling?

Mind you, this is consistent with a lot of behaviour I have heard talked about. There was something seriously wrong going on with our parents' generation.

My parents used to make a big deal out of the fact they were born in 1940 and thus in the middle of a war zone. When you prod them, they admit that even though they were bombed, they were both 4-5 years old at the time and thought the war was "just a game"??? even though they admitted that their older siblings were traumatized.

Both my parents experienced sexual abuse as children. My father was a choirboy, and lay in wait with his friend to mete out punishment to the choirmaster - and my mother was molested on 2 separate occasions whilst taking her brother out in the pram in the park. Bear in mind there were a lot of weirdos likely hanging around in Germany after WWII, but instead of telling my mother not to talk to strange men, my grandmother beat her. So really my parents were not in a position to help each other, or anybody else, and still aren't.

I can't remember a time when they weren't fighting, and in order that my mother wouldn't be hit by my father, she told tales about me. She used to follow me round the house imitating my every move, and when after my requesting her nicely to stop (I was also being bullied at school) I eventually lost it and swore at her. She went to the phone, cool as a cucumber, and told my father to come home and beat me. Which he did. He broke my nose when I was 16. I broke his nose several years later by hitting him over the head with a tape recorder, because I couldn't tolerate the beatings any more (he, not me, started it).

Thanks for letting me know Dumuzi's a Virgo! Dumuzi, we most likely have the old Quincunx thing going on (or it could be better if your Sun was more towards Leo than Virgo end of Virgo - since I am tail-end of Aries).

I appreciate what you're saying about harnessing my mouthpiece to engender change in the world. I honestly have felt that this is what has been building up. Sometimes fate works in unpredictable ways. We think we know what we want, and then, not just because of us but because of the state of the world, it needs to change.

Seriously though, I think because the "mother" issue is such a vast one - do both of you not think it has to do with the Women's Lib movement? As in, a lot of our mothers having been made very dissatisfied with their lot? Whereas the glue of society can be proved by families pulling together and encouraging each other, rather than the mindset of recent years.

Women's Lib has had some positive consequences, for example women's health is more publicly discussed. However, some issues still have a long way to go, in terms of their being discussed with dignity with partners and so forth - for example, obstetric fistula following childbirth, or, yes, the ramifications of the menopause.

Which is not to say that men should be disrespected for what they have to offer, either. Yes, a great number of us are objectified. When will we see people as human beings, and stop attaching all these tags to them?

On my situation: Still have nowhere to live (went into London yesterday only to be tested a cancellation for a viewing) and have heard nothing more back from a potential job. So since everyone else seems to be incommunicado, I will book myself a couple of holidays over the next few weeks. This is obviously one time where banging heads against brick walls is getting one nowhere.

posted January 18, 2019 10:05 AM            

my sun is at 0 degrees virgo, so as close to leo as you can get see:

so probably not and your planets are probably closer to my descendant and moon than anything

i think a lot of people are really dissatisfied with the current state of the world and i think the more people who openly speak about it and reach out to each other the more likely it'll be that people will feel more comfortable actually trying to do things that could change the situation or at least help create a climate where change could be possible

which is why i suggested that because you're right about the nature of the world (not people as individuals) being cold and being about fitting a system

i wouldn't blame the women's lib movement for the current state of things, and i'd argue that the real issue is that humans are basically domesticated at this point into a civilization that doesn't serve their best interests

if you look throughout history what you'll see is empires following the same system and refining it over and over again to create more sustainable power for those on top

it's done through religion, cultural conditioning, wars etc etc etc

a woman wouldn't have to live based on a certain role and neither would a man to focus on family if focus on family was allowed in society

the bigger scale issue with it not being allowed has more to do with being a cog in the system being better for those in power than being a cohesive family unit is for them

the fact is people are trained to become part of the machine, it's seen in the misinformation spread in classrooms (******** history lessons and so on with the focus not really being education but going through the motions and obeying rules to prep people to do the same as adults) and it's all about keeping those in power in power and keeping nations afloat in an increasingly technologically advanced world where warfare is rampant and economy unstable due largely to limited resources and "civilized society" being far removed from nature and more dependent on the government and the framework it provides for survival and all of their needs

most people couldn't walk outside in the woods and find 5 plants they could and 1 one that could be used as medicine just like most people separate the meat that they buy in a store pre-packaged from the actual animal comes from

**** like that is a bigger issue than women being dissatisfied with roles that not all women are going to fit

the nature of power is the real issue, and it helps that elite families have held their power for generations and that's regardless of country because ultimately it's money that makes the world go round not any one particular government

currency substitution would go a longer way for helping the state of things than women staying home being mothers

posted January 24, 2019 03:33 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by bluesky:
I had 5 appointments to view properties yesterday and they all cancelled before I even went to look at the places, despite the fact I had a job offer. I am going mad.

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posted January 24, 2019 04:47 PM            

Part of your Uranus opp Uranus has BEEN accomplished.. it's a SLOW mover.. but it WILL have its resolve. Some events take Time.

Yes, you are feeling an ANXIOUSness and moving through some rougher situations right now?

Reframe this temporary time of observing the "feeling" of what it's been like.. to surf, etc. Your Cosmic Engineer and Heavenly Launch Staff is working on it.

* GLAD to hear that you have a job waiting for you.
* GLAD that you DO have a roof over your head, and you have had {the first, *crossed-fingers last*} couch for you to have to surf on.
{Your relatives WILL come back from their LONG trip and retreat.} ..

Yes, Lovingly. I understand that you don't "WANT" to be an imposition, and, you really deserve your own space.

But you know what??? You need to "receive" for a while.

Let me remind you of all the Kindnesses you've done for Others. I know the spiritual-bypassing people do when they suggest it is {non-altruistic} for you to 'expect' kindnesses, things, deeds, and help in-return?? It's unreasonable to think that others didn't see your kindness, and want to return that kindness .. or even Pay it Forward, during a time when YOU need it?

Based on the "Cosmic Law of Give and Take" and of Reciprocation, know that you seeded good things in other people's lives, and during this time of your need, there may be forces at work to bring Grace into your life.

ALLOW that friend-W-B to house you for now. See if he or anyone else will be willing to make connections and let you SURF until you have established yourself in that new employment you were just offered.

Do NOT become dismayed by those "turn-downs".
My God!!! Just like another LL member here used to say--
Sometimes, "Rejection is for Protection".

Maybe there's something else being worked out in the fabric of your life that you'll be so SUPER glad that those places didn't come through for you-- That you didn't sign a "lease" on those properties just-yet.
{There are some 'scamming' energies in the sky.. Not everything that glitters IS gold.}

You never know what 'harm' you are being protected FROM.

Try not to allow your own self-frustration to bleed into your interactions with others right now.

This Too Shall Pass--
the extra 'fuel' you are sensing --
(read your BML transit info above},
WILL also (like a storm) pass by, Bluesky….

In the "mean" time... SURF.
Maintain "good harbor" with your friend. *hug*

Be sure to go into that tiny stillness inside for small matters of minutes during your day.

If you have to, I want to "remind" you to do some of the mindfulness breathing exercises.

Where you pay attention to the rims of inner-outer nostrils,
still yourself {best you can}, and
gently breathe in
(feeling the cool air pass into the nostrils, in...),
then gently breathe out
(feeling the air go past nostrils once again)..
You ONLY need to pay attention to the sense of air in,
and the sense of the air out.

Let everything else in your life and worries, drop and go.
You don't need to carry that right now.
You don't even need to think about it.
Just breathe, and for the Moment,
Be .. Calmed.

If I can suggest something to you?
It "could" be possible that at this time, it's "your thoughts" and self-talk about the path of 'going crazy' that would possibly lead you down that (nightmare) rabbit-hole.

Please, FOR you,
Take ANY "option" of mental-hospitals,
'being and going crazy' {"acting out"}
OFF your future array of possibilities.
Hold-space that things WILL work out for you.

Word of Sky Caution--
I don't think you realize how "triggering" your feisty Aries personality-type would come across to some {unfortunately more-true than not} *ahem* less-than-compassionate people you would likely encounter in a place like that.
For you, this may not end-up being the kind of helpful solution for you, according to your expectations. Right now, you'd more-likely run into the {possibly more-negative expression of} Authoritarian-Controlling types.

Ride those energy-waves, Bluesky.

Instead, 'work it out' with talking to some GOOD friends you trust. If you are not feeling safe, then tell them, and let them stay with YOU until you have your equanimity back.
{I gave you suggestions, in previous posts.}

{Let *them* help you through this time, with some of your emotional needs.}

Heck, go to an AA-group if you must!!!!
Gargle some whiskey if you need to-- haha (Just Kidding!!)
or BETTER??,
attend a similar affiliated type of group-support places--every day, till these energies have settled in your life.

*~
I know that you are an artist, and have written books on art.

There was a person who used to be in the metaphysical circles in our town, who used to offer 'art therapy' lessons(group) for (what I affectionately call) "normal neurotics" ..

Why don't you set-up services of something similar?

With Love and hugs,
You are NOT insane.
You're a "normal creative neurotic" ~~~ like the rest of us here!! LOL

posted January 24, 2019 05:03 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Dumuzi:
try meditating

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