posted June 02, 2006 09:46 PM              

That was great!

Many hilarious jokes.

I hope mine didn't offend! But, oh well.

posted June 03, 2006 03:58 AM              

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"When the odds are against you, keep calm and cheat."

If a tree falls in the forest and there is no one around and it kills a mime, does anyone care?
-Terry Pratchett

posted June 03, 2006 11:05 AM            

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"WHATEVER the soul longs for, WILL be attained by the spirit"

"Love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation"

-Khalil Gibran

posted June 03, 2006 03:45 PM              

Nobody got it. Please give the answer!

Ohad,

Loved the links. That was good humor.

Sorry, I forgot to check the name, but the cheese grater & "it wasn't chicken" were outstanding.

posted June 03, 2006 05:11 PM              

Many people challenged the octopus to play new and ever more bizarre instruments, and still the octopus managed to play them brilliantly.

One day a man heard the octopus playing the piano in a pub, and went over to the owner to ask him about the octopus.

"That's amazing!" said the man, "Can he really play anything at all then?"

"Yep anything at all. In fact, if you can find an instrument that he can't play I'll give you £500." Said the owner.

The man thought about this for a moment and then accepted the challenge. "Ok. Meet me back here tomorrow at noon and I'll bring something I don't think he'll be able to play."

So noon arrived and both men and the octopus met back at the pub.

"So what have you brought for him to play?" Asked the owner.

The man pulled a set of tartan bagpipes from his bag and set them in front of the octopus who began examining them with his tentacles.

"Just you wait and see," said the owner, "he'll be playing them in no time."

But hours passed and still no sound from the bagpipes.

Eventually the owner approached the octopus and said, "Come on, when are you going to play it, there's £500 at stake here!"

The octopus looked at the man and then back at the bagpipes and said "Play it! I'm gonna hump it as soon as I can work out how to get its pyjamas off!"

posted June 03, 2006 05:37 PM              

Please forgive my ignorance but I don't know if you have Milkmen (who deliver milk door to door in the mornings) in America or elsewhere but we do over here and that's what this one's about. Sorry if I've just taught anyone to suck eggs

Anyway...

A milkman was due to retire and was on his last ever round.

He got to the last house on his round and was just leaving the full milk bottles on the doorstep and taking the empties away when the door was flung open and the lady of the house stood there in a rather skimpy nightie.

"Oh I'm so glad I've caught you," she said as she ushered him into the house, "only I know it's your last day and my husband and I wanted to reward you for all your long years of service."

Stunned, the milkman said "Oh well that's very kind of you indeed, thank you very much."

"Oh don't thank me yet," she said slowly undoing the fastenings on the nightie, "come upstairs and have your present."

Thrilled to bits, he followed her upstairs and they had wild and passionate sex,

Afterwards, she ushered him back downstairs to the kitchen where she cooked him a full English breakfast with sausages, bacon, eggs and beans, toast and tea. It was beautiful!

"Look I don't know what to say," he began, overwhelmed by his morning so far.

"Oh shhh," she said, "it would be a sad world if we couldn't thank you for being such a good milkman over the years. And here... have this aswell before I forget." She'd handed him a £1 coin.

"Well I really don't know what to say!" Exclaimed the milkman at a loss for words.

"Oh don't say anything," she replied.
"I told my husband you were retiring today and that we should do something to mark your long years of service to us... and he said f*ck him, give him a quid but the breakfast was my idea!"

posted June 03, 2006 06:47 PM              

CG you is a woman after my own heart....

Thanks for the laughs girl !!!

posted June 06, 2006 12:31 AM              

It's quite simple...he's a midget, and can't reach the top buttons of the elevator like the button for the 20th floor. When no one is in the elevator with him he presses #8, the furthest up he can reach, and takes the stairs the rest of the way up. And Whenever he's in the elevator with someone else he just asks them to press #20.

posted June 06, 2006 03:23 AM            

She is chatting with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.

"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes bored on their shoulder blades for the wings."

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more bloodcurdling screams. "Oh my goodness," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"

"Not to worry," says St.Peter, "they are just having their head drilled to fit the halo."

"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm off down to hell."

"You can't go there," says St. Peter, "You'll be raped and solomized."

Yes, says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that"