|
Author
|
Topic: Post a Joke!.....
|
jehovah81
unregistered
|
posted August 22, 2006 03:27 AM
 
haha lol i love these dont mind if i borrow some as most of my jokes are already borrowed from a cousin of mine she is the funniest. She was even nice enough to give me some more.
(trying not to laugh while i type. LOL)A little guy goes into an elevater, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him. The big guy sees this little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall,350 pounds, 15 inch penis, 2 lb left testicle, 2 lb right testicle, Turner Brown." The small guy FAINTS dead away and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to,slapping his face and shaking him "whats wrong with you?" In a very weak voice, the little guy says," EXCUSE me what exactlly did you say to me?"
the big dude says "i saw the curious look on your face and gave you the answers to all the questions everyone asks me. "i'm 7ft tall, 350 pounds, 15 inch penis, 2 lb left testicle, 2 lb right testicle,and my name is TURNER BROWN," the small guys says "Thank God, i thought you said Turn Around IP: Logged |
geminstone
unregistered
|
posted August 22, 2006 01:27 PM
...  ... good one...~ geminstone IP: Logged |
geminstone
unregistered
|
posted August 22, 2006 01:27 PM
... oops...  ~ geminstone IP: Logged |
Kamilla
unregistered
|
posted August 24, 2006 12:55 PM
New Rule for Starbucks customers: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the a$$-hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order "a decaf Grande, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet"--ooh, you're a huge a$$-hole. New Rule for women with tattoos: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your a$$ and it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual; you're just high. New Rule for competitive eaters: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait...they're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show." New Rule for candy makers: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two. New Rule for brides to be: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving; it's the version of looting. New Rule for posh restaurants: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint, like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude: I just want to wash my hands. New Rule for young mothers: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months: "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place. New Rule for AOL: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years...you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn. New Rule for the Arizona Republic: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky ******** . New Rule for bored young men: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men. New Rule for all women: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done. New Rule for soft drink manufacturers: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water. New Rule for the pharmaceutical industry: Stop f---ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his a$$ will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis IP: Logged |
Azalaksh
Knowflake Posts: 1002
From: New Brighton, MN, USA
Registered: Apr 2009
|
posted September 03, 2006 08:39 AM
A man came home from work and found his three children outside,still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.
Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.
A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.
In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.
In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls. As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?" She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world did I do today?" ”Yes….." was his incredulous reply. She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it." IP: Logged |
Wednesday
unregistered
|
posted September 07, 2006 12:01 AM
A FRIEND asked me to replace the rotted post that her mailbox sat on, but save the beloved old box. I managed to extract all but one of the rusty nails in the bottom of the mailbox. To free the last nail, I wrapped my arms around the box in a bear hug and started yanking up. Just then a truck came by and the driver stuck his head out the window. "I tried that," he said, "but the bills still keep coming."-- Contributed to "Life In These United States" IP: Logged |
hot_ice
unregistered
|
posted September 07, 2006 03:12 AM
One day Steven Spielberg, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Pierce Brosnan were in a jungle in order to take some shots for a movie. Unfortunately, they were caught by a tribal group. As they were about to be executed they pleaded to the Queen of the Tribe for her mercy. She said, ''Get me something good to eat. If I like it, you will be freed.'' The three stars looked at each other and agreed. They then went into the jungle to look for some food
Spielberg was the first to come back. He came up to the altar and offered grapes. She tasted one and immediately spat it out. She ordered her servants to shove the rest of them up his butt. The servants finished their duty, leaving a screaming Spielberg.
Schwarzenegger was the next to arrive with some yummy apples. The same thing happened to him, but curiously he laughed as the apples were shoved up his butt. Spielberg was shocked. Here he was with grapes up his butt howling in pain, but Schwarzenegger had several apples in his butt and he was still laughing. He asked him ''What the hell are you laughing at?''
A laughing Schwarzenegger replied ''Pierce is coming back with a watermelon"  i llove that one..
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted. Q:Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? A: It was dead Q:Why did the 2nd monkey fall out of the tree? A:It was holding the 1st monkeys hand Q:Why did the 3rd monkey fall out of the tree? A: peer pressure
IP: Logged |
Moon666Child
unregistered
|
posted September 16, 2006 01:43 PM
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. The woman's husband also comes home.She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in
there already. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a football."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "£250" In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the cupboard together. Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have football boots."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?" Boy - £750" Man - "Sold." A few days later, the boys father says to the boy, "Grab your boots and
football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer. The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and boots." The father asks, "How
much did you sell them for?" Boy -"£1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.
That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to
church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that again. You're in my cupboard" ------------------
If you are taking a walk through the garden of life
what do you think you´d expect you would see? IP: Logged |
Wednesday
unregistered
|
posted September 18, 2006 07:09 PM
MY MOTHER is a cleaning fanatic. One Saturday she told me and my brother to get down to the playroom and straighten it up. We had had a party there the previous evening and she was none too happy about the mess. As she watched us work, it was clear Mom was completely dissatisfied with our cleaning efforts and let us know it. Finally my brother, exasperated with having to do it all over, reached for a broom and asked, "Can I use this or are you planning to go somewhere?"--Contributed to "Life In These United States" IP: Logged |
Stargazer
Knowflake Posts: 46
From: just left of center
Registered: May 2009
|
posted September 19, 2006 09:40 AM
A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving
and
>says,
>"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother
>and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
>"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
>"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer" the father says.
"We're
>sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call
your
>sister in Chicago and tell her."
>
>Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
>"Like heck they're getting divorced", she shouts.
>"I'll take care of this."
>She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT
>getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm
calling my
>brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a
>thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
>
>
>
>The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says,
>"they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
>
>
IP: Logged |
double trouble gemini
unregistered
|
posted September 21, 2006 08:07 PM
Azalaksh, that was a good one!  (for men only)!
wednesday i love all of ur jokes...very funny.. IP: Logged |
Wednesday
unregistered
|
posted September 27, 2006 04:05 PM
ALTHOUGH many men in our rural area have difficulty accepting women's lib, my husband helps with the housework. One day he took over the vacuuming while I went to the store.
The doorbell rang. It was one of his friends, a burly ranch foreman clad in a battered cowboy hat, faded jeans and worn boots. "I was just cleaning," my husband said somewhat abashed, turning off the vacuum.
The rancher looked relieved. "That's all right," he said gruffly, handing my husband a white paper bag. "I'm delivering Avon!"-- Contributed to Reader's Digest "Life In These United States" by C Elaine Crawford IP: Logged |
Wednesday
unregistered
|
posted September 27, 2006 04:06 PM
WORKING as a computer instructor for an adult-education program at a community college, I am keenly aware of the gap in computer knowledge between my younger and older students. My observations were confirmed the day a new student walked into our library area and glanced at the encyclopedia volumes stacked on a bookshelf. "What are all these books?" he asked. Somewhat surprised, I replied that they were encyclopedias. "Really?" he said. "Someone printed out the whole thing?" --Contributed to "All In a Day's Work" IP: Logged |
Wednesday
unregistered
|
posted September 27, 2006 04:08 PM
Just saw your post, double trouble gemini. Thanks for liking them  IP: Logged |
Wednesday
unregistered
|
posted October 11, 2006 12:08 PM
IN A REMOTE VILLAGE in Sierra Leone, West Africa, I befriended Alpha, one of the local men on our building crew. Alpha was impressed with my tool set and was amazed to find a woman working in construction. He'd bring extra rice and greens for lunch and we'd sit and talk. He asked about my husband, and I told him I wasn't married. Alpha said he wanted sons and that he would marry soon. He wondered whether I'd stay in his country, and then surprised me by saying he had an important question for me. I was nervous about his impending marriage proposal, and the next day Alpha was solemn as he asked if I was ready to answer his question. I nodded. "When you go back to America," he said, "may I have your trowel? " -- Contributed to "All In a Day's Work" IP: Logged |
Wednesday
unregistered
|
posted October 11, 2006 12:16 PM
WORKING as a secretary at an international airport, my sister had an office adjacent to the room where security temporarily holds suspects. One day security officers were questioning a man when they were suddenly called away on another emergency. To the horror of my sister and her colleagues, the man was left alone in the unlocked room. After a few minutes, the door opened and he began to walk out. Summoning up her courage, one of the secretaries barked, "Get back in there, and don't you come out until you're told!" The man scuttled back inside and slammed the door. When the security people returned, the women reported what had happened. Without a word, an officer walked into the room and released one very frightened telephone repairman. -- Contributed to "All In a Day's Work" IP: Logged |
Wednesday
unregistered
|
posted October 11, 2006 01:22 PM
RECENTLY I WAS grading history tests for my fourth-graders. I'd included an extra credit question: "List up to five good facts about Abraham Lincoln." One of my D students surprised me with this one: "After the war ended, Lincoln took his wife to a show." -- Contributed to "Life In These United States" IP: Logged |
Stargazer
Knowflake Posts: 46
From: just left of center
Registered: May 2009
|
posted October 11, 2006 04:27 PM
The GuaranteeLast year i replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind. Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them yet. Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told ME last year...namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! "Helllooooo"? (I told him). "It's been a year" There was only silence ath the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up...
He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me. Bet he won't underestimate a blonde anymore. IP: Logged |
Moon666Child
unregistered
|
posted October 15, 2006 09:15 AM
Horoscopes brought to you by an automated message system.
thanks to FyreSpirit from ThothWeb for sharing this!Virgo
Aug 23 - Sep 22
Para su horóscopo en Español, marque dos. Libra
Sep 23 - Oct 23
If you would like to hear your horoscope from one of our live operators please press 0 or hold on the line. Scorpio
Oct 24 - Nov 21
To expedite your horoscope please use your touch tone keypad to enter your birth date followed by the pound sign. I'm sorry, that date is not recognized. Try again. Sagittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21
If you want us to count Pluto in your planet position reading, please press 5. Capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19
If you'd like to get your horoscope, please hang up and try again. If you need help, hang up, and then dial your psychic. Aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18
You will find untold riches if you just <call disconnected> Pisces
Feb 19 - Mar 20
You will find yourself in an endless maze with no apparent exit. Even pressing 0 will not work. Aries
Mar 21 - Apr 19
Did you say "Virgo?" If this is correct press 1. If not repeat your sign clearly. Taurus
Apr 20 - May 20
All current astrologers are currently helping other customers. To transfer to our automated horoscope line please press *3. Gemini
May 21 - June 21
Our horoscopes have all changed recently so please listen carefully to all your selections. Cancer
June 22 - July 22
Your horoscope may be recorded for quality control purposes and to verify its accuracy at a later date. Leo
July 23 - Aug 22
Your horoscope is very important to us. Please remain holding on the line. ------------------
The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it - Albert Einstein IP: Logged |
Moon666Child
unregistered
|
posted October 21, 2006 09:21 AM
**Thanks to Laurie Anne from GhostVillage for sharing this**A koala is sitting up a gumtree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past
and looks up and says "HeyKoala ! what are you doing?"
The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks
the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?" The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with
the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where
the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!" So the koala looks down at him and says: "Daaaaaaaang dude.......how much water did you drink?!!" ------------------
The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it - Albert Einstein IP: Logged |
Moon666Child
unregistered
|
posted October 21, 2006 01:57 PM
 ------------------
The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it - Albert Einstein IP: Logged |
DayDreamer
unregistered
|
posted October 21, 2006 02:03 PM
What a funny pic Moon666Child! Is that a cat flying in the air??  Im a visual person, so that one caught my eye first...saving the worded jokes for another day. IP: Logged |
Moon666Child
unregistered
|
posted October 21, 2006 02:53 PM
I feel pity for my master (that kitty) though! Funny picture neverthless.------------------
The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it - Albert Einstein IP: Logged |
Stargazer
Knowflake Posts: 46
From: just left of center
Registered: May 2009
|
posted November 01, 2006 10:05 AM
The Husband Store
Cute
-----
A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City , where a
woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the
entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the
store ONLY ONCE !
There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the
shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . . .. you may
choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a
floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the
building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband .
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord. The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids,
and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead
gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign
reads:
Floor 6 -
You are visitor 4,363,012th to this floor. There are no men on
this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible
to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit
the building, and have a nice day! IP: Logged |
Moon666Child
unregistered
|
posted November 06, 2006 11:05 PM
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
4. Rottweiler: Make me.
5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation
8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!
10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
11. Chihuahua : Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or "We don't need no stinking light bulb."
12. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
13. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
14. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?
Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is:
"How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"
ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF! ------------------
The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it - Albert Einstein IP: Logged | |
Lindaland
UBBFriend: Email This Page to Someone! 
