posted July 08, 2007 10:13 AM              

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."

Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Citibank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"

Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

Citibank: "Excuse me?"

Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?"

Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"

Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." And then gave the details of the lawyer.

Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Family Member: "Sure" (fax number is given)

After they get the fax:
Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."

Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."

Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."

Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Citibank: "That might help."

Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."

Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"

posted July 13, 2007 04:43 AM              

No matter what your job, or where you work, you'll find that many of these "laws," sadly, ring true.

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

The first 90 percent of a project takes 90 percent of the time. The last 10 percent takes the other 90 percent of the time.

If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the butt.

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. It's no use being a fool about it.

Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.

Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

Never delay the end of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work they're supposed to be doing.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

Following the rules will not get the job done.

Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

posted July 14, 2007 05:12 AM              

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead
Now she takes the lamb to school
Between two hunks of bread

posted July 14, 2007 02:18 PM            

Honesty

Teacher: What excuse have you got for being late?
John: (breathlessly) I ran so fast, teacher, that I didn't have time to think of one

How Can I?

Wife: Our new neighbour always kisses his wife when he goes to work, why don't you do that?
Husband: How can I? I don't even know her.

Only Five

Father: Have you taken your maths test, son?
Son: Taken already.
Father: Did you get them all right?
Son: Only five wrong
Father: Not bad! By the way, how many sums altogether?
Son: Five.

Right And Wrong

Teacher writes a sum, 3 + 7 = 9, on the blackboard.

Teacher: Is the sum right?
First Student: Wrong.
Second Student: Right.
First Student: Wrong.
Second Student: Right
First Student: 3 + 7 should be 10 and not 9, right?
Second Student: Right.
First Student: Then why did you say 3 + 7 is 9 right?
Second Student: Because you say it is wrong and I agreed with you.

Dead Body Cycling

During an English lesson, the teacher notices that a boy was not paying attention to him . . . .

Teacher: Bobby, join these two sentences together. I was cycling to school. I saw a dead body.
Bobby: (thinking for a while) I saw a dead body cycling to school.

The Music

Musician: Is the music sweet?
Boy: It's more or less like the one which my father plays.
Musician: Is your father a musician?
Boy: No, he's a carpenter.

Thief For Thief

One day as a husband was having his tea at home, his wife complained to him . . .

Wife: You know dear, our new washerwoman stole two of our towels. That crook!
Husband: Which towels dear?
Wife: The ones we stole from the hotel in Miami Beach.

Better One

Bus Inspector: Where's your ticket?
Traveler: I think I have lost it.
Bus Inspector: Well, that's not a good excuse.
Traveler: Alright. You suggest a better one.

Sign in the Dark

Silvia: Dad, can you write in the dark?
Dad: I think so. What do you want me to write?
Silvia: Your name on this report card.

Make a Sentence

Teacher: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
Ellen: I is...
Teacher: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
Ellen: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

Keeps Talking

Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Pupil: A teacher.

Broke Window

A new prisoner comes to a prison cell.

Convicts: What has happened with you that you are here?
Prisoner: I have broken a window on my job place.
Convicts: It's unbelievable! Where did you work?
Prisoner: On a submarine.

Where are you from?

Texan: "Where are you from?"
Harvard Grad: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."
Texan: "OK -- where are you from, jackass?"

DisneyLand

One day, 2 Ah Bengs (slang for singapore gangster) were driving to Disneyland.
As they passed through Anaheim, they saw a sign on the freeway that said Disneyland Left.

So they turned around and went home.

Windows Crash

If Bill Gate's had a penny for every time Windows crashed.......
Forget it. He does.

Sign on motorway garage:

PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS.

Free From Cholesterol

Banta Singh rushed back angrily to the grocery shop from where he had purchased a packet of butter a few minutes ago.

"Where is my free gift?" he shouted at the shopkeeper.

"But Sir, there is no free gift on the purchase of butter." The shopkeeper answered politely.

"Don't fool me," replied Banta, "It is clearly written on the packet of the butter 'Cholesterol free'".

Skin and Bones

Diner: Waiter, look at this chicken, nothing but skin and bones.
Waiter: What else do u want, feathers?
Diner: I can't eat such a rotten chicken. Call the manager!
Waiter: It's no use. He won't eat it either.
Diner: You'll drive me to my grave!
Waiter: Well, you don't expect to walk there, do you?

Be careful what you ask for

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the rates. Fifty dollars for three questions, replied the lawyer.

''Isn't that awfully steep?'', asked the man.

''Yes'', the lawyer replied, ''and what was your third question?''

Taking Doubles

Once a fat man stepped on to a weighing machine. He put a ten-cent coin into the slot. Out came a card with the printed words," One by one, please."

A Bed For Mother

Mother's day was coming...

John: Mary, what shall we get for mother on Mother's Day?
Mary: A bed.
John: Why?
Mary: All of us have nice beds to sleep on but poor mother has to share one with father.

Shoes Round The Neck?

Customer: How much is that tie?
Salesman: Three dollars.
Customer: What! I can buy a pair of shoes for three dollars!
Salesman: Yes. But who would want to wear a pair of shoes round the neck?

Weird Fact

The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog." uses every letter in the alphabet (developed by Western Union to test telecommunications)

I'm Sick

One day Hamid felt very sick and he went to the hospital...

Nurse: Hamid, the doctor is here to see you.
Hamid: Tell him, I can't see him. I'm sick.

The Smallest Words

One boy wanted to have his eyes tested, so he went to an optician. Here is how it goes . . .

Optician: OK boy, sit down please. Can you see the smallest words on the board.
Boy: Yeah, the smallest words on the board are "Made in Great Britain".

Drive Me Back

Taxi Driver: That will be 80 cents please, Madam.
Lady: I have only 50 cents. Can you drive me back a little?

America's Discoverer

Teacher: George, go to the map and find North America.
George: Here it is!
Teacher: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
Class: George!

Coincidence

Teacher: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
Johnny: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and same time."

Saying Prayers

Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?
Sam: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.

Forgetter

An absent-minded man went to see a psychiatrist.
'My trouble is,' he said, 'that I keep forgetting things.'
'How long has this been going on?' asked the psychiatrist.
'How long has what been going on?' said the man.

Egypt

Son: Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
Father: No. Why do you ask that?
Son: Well, where did you get mummy then?

Bush's Doctor Visit

Bush had something wrong with his brain so he went to see a doctor.

After the medical examination, the doctor told him: "Your brain has two parts: one is left, and another is right. Your left brain has nothing right. Your right brain has nothing left."

Outside a secondhand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Sign on a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Absence

Mother: Why did you get such a low mark on that test?
Johnny: Because of absence.
Mother: You mean you were absent on the day of the test?
Johnny: No, but the kid who sits next to me was.

Delayed Hamburger

A customer went to snack bar and ordered a hamburger.

When 20 minutes had gone and his food hadn't arrived, the irritated customer asked the waiter.

Customer: Will my hamburger be long?
Waiter: No, sir...it will be round.

**** on Back

A camel and an elephant met, and the elephant asked: "Why do you have your **** on your back?"

The camel responded: "What a silly question from someone who has a dick on his face!"

Disobedient Yourself

While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make Clockwise circles. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction and there's nothing you can do about it. Number '0' too.

DADDY'S LAP

Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.

Mom: You have done the right thing.

Son: But I was sitting on daddy's lap.

World Cup

Two ants are playing football in a saucer. One says to the other "Hey, you're really good at this".

"Yes I know, I'm playing in the cup next week!"

MARRIAGE TROUBLE

Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.

Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles.

posted July 19, 2007 11:32 PM              

--Contributed to "Humor In Uniform"

OUR CHIROPRACTOR, seeking a new name for his practice, decided to sponsor a contest and asked his patients to enter. One idea didn't win, but rightfully earned an honorable mention: "The Twist and Shout."

--Contributed to "All In a Day's Work"

IN A MISGUIDED burst of creativity, I installed a night light in a conch shell I found on the beach. My wife took an instant dislike to it, and at the next yard sale it was the first thing she put out. I felt vindicated when a woman kept coming back to check it out, then finally bought it. "That will look great in your home," I said. "Oh, it's not for me," she explained. "My bridge club is having a charity auction and we were asked to bring the most hideous thing we can find. What I've got here is a winner."

--Contributed to "Life in These United States" by Jerome Jorissen

PEOPLE don't like to look dumpy in their own snapshots, which is why my husband, a professional photographer, gets a lot of requests asking him to retouch photos. You know, erase the crow's-feet, lop off the love handles. So I wasn't surprised when one woman, pointing to a family portrait, asked him, "Can you take 30 pounds off me?" until she added, "And put it on my sister?"

--Contributed to "All In a Day's Work" by Jean Cundick

THERE were only two people in line ahead of me at the electronics store, yet the wait was dragging on forever. Finally the customer behind me muttered, "Mr. Hare must be on vacation." Only then did I notice the name tag on the man at the register. It read: "Mr. Turtle, sales associate."

posted July 20, 2007 10:44 AM              

So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date.

Joe asked, ''Where's Gary?''

And one of his friends said, ''Didn't you hear? Yesterday, Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.''

Joe says,''Well it could have been worse.''

Both his friends said, ''How in world could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!''

Joe says, ''If it had happened two days ago, I'd be dead now!''

posted July 22, 2007 12:10 PM              

Subject: The Irish Diet

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.

The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.'

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 pounds !

'Why, that's amazing !' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions ?'

The Irishman nodded...

'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead dat 3rd day.'

'From hunger, you mean ?'

'No, from fookin' skippin'.................

posted July 22, 2007 12:17 PM              

A burglar broke into a house one night.

He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying,

"Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,

"Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed.. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

posted July 22, 2007 12:29 PM              

If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma! This is
even funnier when you realize it's REAL! Next time you have a bad day at work
.. think of this guy, Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in
Louisiana . He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is
an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM
dial in Ft. Wayne , Indiana , who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.
Needless to say, she WON!!!

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.

Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down
lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you
realize it'! s not s o bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I
first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my
office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office, it's a
wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm
is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece
of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful
temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is
taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it
several times with no complaints.....

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and
stuff it down the back of my wet~suit. This floods my whole suit with warm
water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi! Everything was going well until all of a
sudden, my behind started to itch. So, of! course , I scratched it. This only
made things worse!!! Within a few seconds my butt started to REALLY BURN, I
pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In AGONY I realized
what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a JELLYFISH and pumped
it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish
couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my behind was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the
jellyfish into the crack of my butt!

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His
instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers,
were all laughing hysterically! Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was
instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling
THIRTY-FIVE MINUTES before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry
decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my
brass helmet As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter
running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my
behind as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but that
wasn't the worst of it!! I couldn't poop for two days because my behind was
swollen SHUT! So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how
much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your behind. Now repeat
to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job."

Now whenever you have a BAD DAY, ask yourself.... IS THIS A JELLYFISH BAD
DAY????

posted July 26, 2007 01:27 PM              

How do you know when the bartender is ticked off at you?

You find a string in your bloody mary!

posted July 26, 2007 01:27 PM              

How do you know when the bartender is ticked off at you?

You find a string in your bloody mary!

posted July 26, 2007 01:27 PM              

How do you know when the bartender is ticked off at you?

You find a string in your bloody mary!

posted August 04, 2007 11:48 AM              

from .. ~ http://www.mocktheweek.tv/ ~ .. ..

Gina .. "Thank God we're flying, I'm too ****** to drive."

Frankie .. "We're about to experience a little bit of turbulence, and then a lot of falling."

Rory .. "This is the captain speaking, we're out at the moment, please leave a message after the tone."

Hugh .. "Don't panic, just think of it as landing more vertically than normal."

Frankie .. "Help me with my seatbelt Abu, I can't do it with this damn hook."

Hugh .. "OK Captain Thomas, when I tap the windscreen, I want you to stop."

Rory .. (simply hums Wagner's 'Flight of the Valkyries' from 'Apocalypse Now')

Frankie .. "If you look out over the right wing, you'll see the burning remains of the left wing."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~ * WHAT YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR A PRIME MINISTER SAY * ~

Frankie .. "Gordon, I've discovered how to make myself immortal."

Rory (as David Blunkett) .. "Well, who'd have thought it?"

Hugh .. "(as Sir Winston Churchill) Unfortunately we have received no such undertaking. We are now at war... with Wales."

Gina .. "Oh my God! Oh my God! First Celeb Big Brother, and now this."

Frankie .. "Get me an eighteen inch knife and a hand grenade.I'm sorting this Iraq **** out."

Andy .. "So, there were these two Muslims that walked into a bar..."

Greg .. "Oh Mr President you're hurting me."

Rory .. "I'd just like to play you a little song I've written."

posted August 08, 2007 07:25 AM            

Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money with me to the afterlife."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was all in black, and her friend was sitting next to her in the pew.

posted August 08, 2007 07:31 AM            

As I've Matured...

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in...

I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are often more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.

I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and to not pet the sweaty things.

I've learned that ex's are like fungus and keep coming back.

I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it.

I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. The real pains in the rear are permanent.

posted August 08, 2007 08:24 AM              

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where! more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as
replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.