posted August 08, 2007 03:58 PM              

And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me.

Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility."

And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.

And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved.

And Cat did not care one way or the other.

posted August 12, 2007 10:22 AM              

Before the attorney could speak, Harry replied, "I love to gamble and I usually win." The skeptical official gave him a disbelieving look. "I can prove it," said Harry. "How about a demonstration?"
The official thought a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Harry said, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thought a moment and said, "No way! It's a bet!"
Harry removed his glass eye and bit it. The official's jaw dropped. Harry said, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The official could tell Harry wasn't blind, so he took the bet. Harry then removed his dentures and bit his good eye. The stunned official was now three grand in the hole!
"Want to go double or nothing?" Harry asked. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on your desk and pee into that wastebasket by the door over there and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, was cautious now, but there's no way this guy could manage that stunt, so he agreed again! Harry climbed up on the auditor's desk, missed the wastebasket completely, and pretty much peed all over the desk. The official grinned. He had just turned a huge loss into a huge win! But then he noticed that Harry's attorney looked shocked and was visibly shaking. "Are you okay?" he asked.

The lawyer replied, "Not really. Before we arrived, Harry bet me twenty thousand dollars he'd pee on your desk and you'd be happy about it!"

posted August 12, 2007 07:57 PM              

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We
need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're
going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to
me when you're cooking!
Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't
forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt.
USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I
don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like
when I'm driving."

posted August 17, 2007 09:19 AM            

“House” for instance, is feminine: “la casa.”

“Pencil,” however, is masculine: “el lapiz.”

A student asked, “What gender is 'computer'?”

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether “computer” should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that “computer” should definitely be of the feminine gender (“la computadora”), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (“el computador”), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

posted August 17, 2007 10:19 AM              

I got this one from a friend. Hopefully noone had posted it yet.

A man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy when he
notices his friend is very well hung.

"Damn Bob, you're hung!" Jim exclaims.

"I wasn't always this impressive; I had to work for it."

"What do you mean?" Jim asked.

"Well, every day for the past two years I've spent an hour each night
rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds crazy but it actually made it
grow four inches! You should try it."

Jim agrees and the two say good bye.

A few months later the two are in the same locker room and Bob
asks Jim how his situation was.

Jim replied, "I did what you said, Bob, but I've actually gotten
smaller! I lost two inches already!"

"Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day with butter?"

"Well, I was out of butter, so I've been using Crisco."

"Crisco!!?" Bob exclaimed. "Damm it, Jim, Crisco is shortening!

MORAL: You gotta follow the recipe!!!

posted August 28, 2007 02:35 PM              

Time passed with the two of them carrying on this way every day. One morning, in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped
onto her front porch and shouted: "PRAISE THE LORD! Please Lord, I have no food and I am starving, provide for me, oh Lord!

The next morning she stepped out onto her porch and there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there."PRAISE THE LORD!" she cried out. "HE HAS PROVIDED GROCERIES FOR
ME!"

The atheist neighbor jumped out of the hedges and shouted: "THERE IS NO LORD. I BOUGHT THOSE GROCERIES!!"

The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted: "PRAISE THE LORD! HE HAS PROVIDED ME WITH GROCERIES AND MADE THE
DEVIL PAY FOR THEM!

posted September 22, 2007 06:49 PM            

Nacho cheese!

One time, I slipped on an escalator...
I fell for an hour and a half.

posted September 26, 2007 05:53 AM              

He forgot his 10th wedding anniversary. His wife was pretty peeved.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway,

one that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!!!!!!"

The next morning Frank got up early and left for work.

When his wife woke up, she looked out the window. Sure enough there
was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Wondering if it
might be the keys to a new car, the wife threw on her robe, ran out to
the driveway and brought the box into the house.

When she opened it, she found a brand new bathroom scale.

Frank has been missing since Friday.

posted September 29, 2007 07:04 AM              

All of a sudden the clouds parted and a voice boomed out from on high. "Let Go!" said the voice.

posted October 13, 2007 02:12 PM              

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you
once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:

posted November 09, 2007 11:57 AM              

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually.

Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.

Want to live longer?

Take a nap.

------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables.

So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.

Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass green leafy vegetable).

And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine; that means; they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way.

Beer is also made out of grain.

Bottoms up!
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.

If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!.... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.

In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.

You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!!

It's the best feel-good food around!

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember: 'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO! What a Ride'

AND... For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

posted November 09, 2007 07:20 PM              

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a
virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't
know that. On their wedding night, she
cowers naked under the sheets as her husband
undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be
reassuring. "My darring," he whispers, "I know
dis your firss time and you berry frighten.
I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting -
juss anyting you want you juss ask... so... whatchu want?"

he says, trying to sound experienced and
worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently
(and eagerly) for her request. She eventually shyly ;
whispers back, "I want to try someting I
have heard about from other gurls... Numbaa 69."

More thoughtful silence, this time from him.

Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her

posted November 16, 2007 02:17 PM              

The sign says: 'Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Comes with complete instructions.'

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her.
She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll take one.'

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions!'

The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she

closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions
and reads them very carefully. She does exactly what is specified:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and allow the frog to do what he

has been trained to do.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise nothing happens!

The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point.
She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, 'If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store.'

So, she calls the pet store. The man says, 'I'll be right over.'

Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just sits there.'

posted November 27, 2007 12:35 PM              

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it.. Don't waste them on exercise . Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening....Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. It's the best feel-good food around!!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! !

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

posted November 28, 2007 07:09 PM            

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the
bees.
"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me
you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny'
speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was
eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech. If you're going to
tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to
live for."