posted November 07, 2006 08:18 AM              

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark. "Noah!" He roared , "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision. Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it. Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go! When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work. The trade unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience. To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

posted November 07, 2006 09:36 AM              

it was great!

posted November 08, 2006 11:04 AM              

PROVERBS (A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder. Their insight may surprise you.) Better to be safe than..............Punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the .........................Bug is close.
It's always darkest before......Daylight Savings Time.
Never underestimate the power of........Termites.
You can lead a horse to water but........how?
Don't bite the hand that.............. looks dirty.
No news is................................impossible.
A miss is as good as a.............. Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new......math.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll..........stink in the morning.
Love all, trust.............................me.
The pen is mightier than the........pigs.
An idle mind is..................The best way to relax.
Where there's smoke there's.......pollution.
Happy the bride who...............gets all the presents.
A penny saved is....................... not much.
Two's company, three's..............the Musketeers.
Don't put off till tomorrow what....you put on to go to bed.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and........you have to blow your nose.
None are so blind as.................Helen Keller.
Children should be seen and not.....spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed.........get new batteries.
You get out of something what you....see pictured on the box.
When the blind leadeth the blind.....get out of the way.

posted November 30, 2006 12:04 PM              

and the dyslexic alcoholic went to a bra?

posted November 30, 2006 05:31 PM              

God replied, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

She got out of the hospital after the last operation, and while crossing the street was killed by an ambulance speeding to the hospital. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years?"

posted November 30, 2006 06:01 PM              

So the blonde went to a farm and spoke to the farmer. "I'd like a lot of milk."

"How much?" asked the farmer.

"Well, quite a lot because I'm going to soak in it."

He asked, "Pasteurized?"

"No...just up to my boobies."

xxx

posted December 21, 2006 05:42 AM              

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little

girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled
in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.

"That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it out completely?"

"Yes," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room

and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run

home if I get scared of the dark."

"How about transportation?" the father asked.

"I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles,"

the little boy answered.

The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.

Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, "What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know."

Well,

"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied.

"We're not going to have babies.

posted December 25, 2006 03:16 AM              

The man didn't answer. He just kept staring straight
ahead.

The president said, "Moses!" in a loud voice.

The man just stared ahead, never acknowledging the
president.

The president pulled a Secret Service agent aside and,
pointing to the robed man, asked him, "Am I crazy or
does that man not look like Moses to you?"

The Secret Service agent looked at the man and agreed.

"Well," said the president, "every time I say his
name, he ignores me and stares straight ahead,
refusing to speak. Watch!" Again the president yelled,
"Moses!" and again the man ignored him.

The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the
white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses.
Are you Moses?"

posted December 27, 2006 09:10 AM              

The stockings were hung next the modem with care In the hope that Santa would bring new software. The children were nestled all snug in their beds, With visions of computer games filling their heads.

Dark Forces for Billy, Doom II for Dan, Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann. The letters to Santa had been sent out by mum, To santa@toyshop.northpole.com--

Which now had been re-routed to Washington State Where Santa's workshop had been moved by Bill Gates. All the elves and the reindeer had had to skedaddle To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.

After living a life that was simple and spare, Santa now finds he's a new billionaire, With a shiny red Porsche in place of his sleigh, And a house on Lake Washington just down the way > From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans. The elves have stock options and desks with a view, Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.

No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums Will be under the tree, only compact disk roms With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive, >From now on Christmas runs only on Win95.

More rapid than eagles the competitors came, And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name. "Now, ADOBE! now, CLARIS! now, INTUIT! too, Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you're all of you through,

It's Microsoft's SANTA that the kids can't resist, It's the ultimate software with a traditional twist - Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf, And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.

Get 'em young, keep 'em long, is Microsoft's theme, And a merger with Santa is a marketer's dream. To the top of the NASDAQ! To the top of the Dow! Now dash away! dash away! dash away - wow!"

And mum in her 'kerchief and me in my cap, Had just settled down for a long winter's nap, When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, The whirr and the hum of our satellite platter, As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky, The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy. As I sprang from my bed and was turning around, My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.

posted December 27, 2006 03:42 PM              

A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants
a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini line.

She also wants him to put the words "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good.

The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Claus with "Merry Christmas" on
her left thigh just below the bikini line.

So the guy does that one and it turns out pretty good as well.

As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says, "If you
don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on
your thighs?"

posted December 28, 2006 04:56 AM              

Women:
1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
2. Though this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes and stuff.
3. Though they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear.
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.
5. Though they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "an old rag".
6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still expect you to compliment them.
7. Even though they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't believe you.

posted March 21, 2007 06:02 PM              

An airplane takes off from the airport. The Captain is Jewish and the
First Officer is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and
it's obvious, by the silence, that they don't get along. After thirty
minutes, the Jewish Captain mutters: "I don't like Chinese." The First
Officer replies: "Oooooh, no like Chinese? Why dat?" "Your people bombed
Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese." "Nooooo, noooo, Chinese
not bomb Peahl Hahbah. That Japanese, not Chinese." "Chinese, Japanese,
Vietnamese... it doesn't matter, you're all alike." Another thirty
minutes of silence. Finally, the First Officer says: "No like
Jew." "Why not? Why don't you like Jews?" "Jews sink Titanic." "The
Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg." "Iceberg, Goldberg,
Rosenberg, Spielberg; no mattah ... all da same."

-----------------------------------------

A man goes to a psychiatrist. To start things off, the psychiatrist
suggests they start with a Rorschach Test. He holds up the first
picture and asks the man what he sees.
"A man and a woman making love in a park," the man replies.
The psychiatrist holds up the second picture and asks the man what
he sees.
"A man and a woman making love in a boat."
He holds up the third picture.
"A man and a woman making love at the beach."
This goes on for the rest of the set of pictures; the man says he
sees a man and a woman making love in every one of the pictures.
At the end of the test, the psychiatrist looks over his notes and
says, "It looks like you have a preoccupation with sex."
And the man replies, "Well, you're the one with the dirty pictures."

-------------------------------------------

What is defference between man and Superman?

posted March 23, 2007 12:32 AM              

MY MOTHER was away all weekend at a business conference. During a break, she decided to call home collect. My six-year-old brother picked up the phone and heard a stranger's voice say, "We have a Marcia on the line. Will you accept the charges?" Frantic, he dropped the receiver and came charging outside screaming, "Dad! They've got Mom! And they want money!"
--Contributed to "Life In These United States"

THE FAMILY was viewing old slides and one flashed on the screen that caught everyone's attention. My father, wearing his favorite golf shirt, was holding me at the tender age of three weeks. The look on his face told all. "There's my prize possession," my father said. Touched, I smiled at him as he continued, "I wonder whatever happened to that golf shirt?"
--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Jeanne Graves

posted June 10, 2007 07:28 AM            

Last week was my 50th birthday and I didn't feel very well when I woke up that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday.'

I thought... 'Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids...They will remember.' My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.

So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, and by the way, Happy Birthday!' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until about one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.'

I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each, and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?'

I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'

She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, 'Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'

'Ok,' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes,she came out carrying a huge birthday cake .. Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday.'

And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked.

******

posted June 29, 2007 11:57 AM              

ONE: Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager a the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

TWO: I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider," looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE: A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

FOUR: Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

FIVE: A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency

And finally, my favorite:

SIX: I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

posted June 30, 2007 03:23 AM              

* A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

* The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

* When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.

* Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.

* Clouds are high flying fogs.

* I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it,and that is the important thing.

* Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around.There is not much else to do.

* Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill the strongest man.

* Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

* "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."

* "H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."

* "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars."

* "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

* "The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which here are five - a, e,i, o and u."

* "The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana ."

* "Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa .."

* "Germinate: To become a naturalized German."