posted June 01, 2006 07:59 PM              

Mr.Invisible.
A psychiatrist's secretary walks into his study and says, "There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. He claims that he's invisible."

posted June 01, 2006 08:32 PM              

This isn't a joke but a riddle. Im sure some of you have heard it. My little brother told me this one:

This guy living on the 20th floor in an apartment building got up early each morning to go to work in a downtown store. He always went into the elevator on the 20th floor and rode down to the entrance (1st floor). When he came home and no one was in the elevator he always rode the elevator from the entrance and up to the 8th floor. He walked out of the elevator and walked the stairs up to his apartment on the 20th floor. But when there were people in the elevator on his way up to his apartment he would take the elevator up to the 20th floor.

posted June 01, 2006 11:11 PM              

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

posted June 01, 2006 11:15 PM              

Water and Wine Education

WATER……….It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia Coli bacteria found in feces – in other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Doo Doo.

However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, beer or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

WATER = DOO DOO
WINE = HEALTH

Free yourself of Doo Doo, drink WINE ! ! !

It is better to drink wine and talk Doo Doo than to drink water and be full of **** .

posted June 02, 2006 01:50 AM              

The Pope proceeds to hop on Route 95 and starts accelerating to see what the limo could go. Well, he gets to about 90 miles per hour and,WHAM! There are the blue lights of our friendly State Police in his mirror.

He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window. Well, the trooper, seeing who it was, says "just a moment please I need to call in."

The trooper radio's in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief "I've got a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to know what to do."

The chief replies "Who is it, not Ted again ?"

The trooper says, "No, even more important."

The chief replies, "It's the Governor, isn't it ?"

The trooper replies "No, even more important."

"It isn't the President is it?"

"No, more important," replies the trooper.

"Well, WHO the HECK is it!", screams the chief.

"I don't know" says the trooper. "But he's got the Pope as a chauffeur!"

Question: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
Answer: An offer you can't understand.

Two men are hunting when an accident occurs. One calls 911. "Help! I accidently shot my friend while we were hunting! I think he's dead!" The 911 operator attempts to calm down the man. "Calm down, sir. First we need to make sure your friend is actually dead." Then the man replied "OK." There is a loud bang and he says to the operator, "OK. Now what?"

------------------
"When the odds are against you, keep calm and cheat."

If a tree falls in the forest and there is no one around and it kills a mime, does anyone care?
-Terry Pratchett

posted June 02, 2006 03:35 AM            

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong. "Yes, nurse Tracy", said Mr. Goldstein, "My private part died today, and I am very sad". Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she
replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, accept my condolences."
The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his private part hanging out of his pajamas, when he met nurse Tracy. "Mr. Goldstein", she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your private part back inside your pajamas".
"But, nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that
my private part died". "Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your
pajamas?" asked nurse Tracy.
"Well," he replied. "Today's the viewing."

posted June 02, 2006 07:42 AM              

heres one more,

The Salesman:
A new vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on the door on the first house of the street.

A tall lady answered the door. Before she could speak, the enthusiastic salesman bargedinto the living room and opened a big black plastic bag and poured all the cow droppings onto the carpet.

"Madam, if I could not clean this up with the use of this new
powerful vacuum cleaner,

I will EAT all this s***!", exclaimed the eager salesman.

"Do you need ketchup with that" asked the lady.

The bewildered salesman asked, "Why, madam?"

"We just moved in, there's no electricity in the house!"

posted June 02, 2006 08:08 AM              

Two friends Sam & Jane went to school for their English exam (6th grade) They had crammed an essay of "MY BEST FRIEND". But unfortunately , in the question paper it was written 'write an essay on "MY FATHER"'in just 30-45 words .So sam was utterly confused & nervous,'what should i do'!
Jane gave an idea 'just write the essay My best friend & just keep on replacing the word friend with the word father'
So this was how Sam & Jane wrote their essay on
"MY FATHER"
Fathers & fathers are everywhere,but good fathers are very rare.I have so many fathers,but my best father is Peter.He is my neighbour.He often comes to my home & my mother likes him very much....

posted June 02, 2006 10:31 AM            

"A father passing by his Son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed.

It was addressed to "Dad"

With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice-even with all her piercing, tattoo's, and her tight Motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion dad, she's pregnant and Joan said that we will be very happy.
Even though you don't care for her as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.
Joan taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son, Justin

PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer.
I love you!

Call when it is safe for me to come home!!"

posted June 02, 2006 02:10 PM              

But it is VERY funny.....!!!

posted June 02, 2006 02:43 PM              

Those were great! LMAO!

posted June 02, 2006 03:30 PM              

FOR THOSE THAT ARE EASILY OFFENDED PLEASE DO NOT READ MY HUSBANDS JOKE. AND FOR THOSE THAT AINT.....ENJOY.....

A hippie gets onto a bus and proceeds to sit next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts on it's way the bus driver says to the hippie, if you want I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you. The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord.

If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder, said the bus driver guy, you could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you. Well the hippie decides to try this out so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. And, right on schedule, the nun shows up. When she's in the middle of praying the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of God.

“I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first!” The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about to go to work on the nun.

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, “Ha ha, I'm the hippie!!”

posted June 02, 2006 03:33 PM              

Thanks

posted June 02, 2006 04:10 PM              

When my hubbie told me this,,,,,I laughed SO loud, the house almost shook....