posted June 06, 2006 03:28 AM              

I'm truly sorry I asked for that.

And if I remember correctly peanuts don't grow on trees.

posted June 06, 2006 03:33 AM            

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the
prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life,
sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking
buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled
leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

posted June 06, 2006 04:51 AM              

------------------
"When the odds are against you, keep calm and cheat."

If a tree falls in the forest and there is no one around and it kills a mime, does anyone care?
-Terry Pratchett

posted June 06, 2006 04:57 AM              

------------------
"When the odds are against you, keep calm and cheat."

If a tree falls in the forest and there is no one around and it kills a mime, does anyone care?
-Terry Pratchett

posted June 06, 2006 11:56 AM            

~~~~~
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and
generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has
a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called
Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also
called Ibuprofen.

posted June 07, 2006 12:28 PM            

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is
hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They
search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every
piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left..

The phone rings at Billy Bob's house. "Hey, Billy Bob! Did the
FBI come?"

"Yeah!

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

posted June 07, 2006 01:13 PM            

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was
unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never lets me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No".
I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."
Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yel led "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any... a true story...
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

posted June 07, 2006 06:35 PM              

Im gonna have to put some thought into another joke before I post another one here.

@ the jokes in this forum.

posted June 08, 2006 03:28 AM              

A plane crashes on the US/Canadian boarder.

On which side do they bury the survivors?

Just as cheesy but they're so fun.

Zala,

posted June 08, 2006 08:41 PM              

Since when were survivors buried?

Yeah I like these cheesy ones...they do keep you on your toes.

posted June 13, 2006 08:38 PM            

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

posted June 15, 2006 11:39 AM            

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up, he said, "I'm just here to feed the alligator."

posted June 20, 2006 02:05 AM            

Then, during the movie (and it's dark), the lady next to him whispers to her husband:

"The guy next to me has his "mushroom" sticking out"

The husband answers, "Don't be scared, it's not the first time you see a man's mushroom"

The lady says, "Yes, but this guy's mushroom is eating my popcorn!"

posted June 20, 2006 02:10 AM            

Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if You can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."