posted May 03, 2007 12:42 AM         

No, I'm not your mother so stop relating to me as if I was the same as your mother. You have always done that any time I did not agree with what you had to say. Another truth you probably won't like or want to face.

I have never bragged about or held up my parenting skills on these threads. I have done nothing but admit that there is no such thing as a perfect parent. I am certainly not a perfect parent. All parents make mistakes. I have made plenty I am sure.

Leave my daughter out of this. This is between you and I and has nothing to do with her. Although I am sure she, thinking you could possibly be some kind of real friend to anyone, did complain to you once in a while about me. What kid doesn't do that when they have a bad day with their mom and especially in her situation having to be with me day in and day out due her separation and divorce? That's not easy for either of us. I can assure you that I have my complaints about her too. We aren't the Brady Bunch and I never said we were.

Incidently, I don't believe in "tough love" and never did. There is a difference between tough love and just being openly honest with someone.

I may not be a perfect parent but at least my kids all grew up to be loving, caring and good people. I didn't raise any a$$holes or whiners like you and you can't even blame it on you being a Scorp. My youngest son is a Scorp and he is nothing like you.

I will overcome my anger and not retaliate any futher considering the source it came from. I will consider that the person I am talking to has admitted mental problems along with admitted drug problems. I do have pity for you.

Another thing:

quote:

---

If you hold something up for public scrutiny, you had better be ready to have it scrutinized.

---

posted May 03, 2007 03:15 AM         

HSC ~ Your position is considerably clearer than perhaps you imagine. Your mommy issues were made plain long ago by your dialogue with ... of I've forgotton her name .. maia? mia? You know who I mean. Your ceaseless declarations of misunderstood genius are a very understandable countermeasure to a life you are evidently terribly unsatisfied with. etc. Believe it or not we get it. Forgive my indulgence in a trite cliche but you seem to be your own worst enemy. hmmm. Trite cliches can be fun. Let me try another one. You can't seem to get out of your own damn way. And it's a pity as you no doubt do indeed have uncommon potential. Hence the frustration of those of us fortunate enough to witness your emotional rollorcoaster rides. I'm a prophet. No, I'm muck. I'm a prophet. No, I'm muck. It tires me out just to read it. I can't imagine how awful living it must be. Watching you chase your tail like this is almost painful. In this you assuredly have my pity. It's largely your arrogant unwillingness to listen and consider a viewpoint not aligned with your own which causes such consternation in some of us. Anyone not in agreement with you is a moron unable able to grasp the complex theories you've so generously bestowed? Say again?
You've stuffed your ears, my friend. Why?

posted May 03, 2007 10:51 AM         

You have made many assumptions about me. That's too bad. You can ask anyone who knows me online about my coldheartedness, and unwillingness to listen or care about other people.

How long are you going to let what happened in your past continue to run your life in the PRESENT.

It's gone, you can't change it, you can't change your mom/dad. You can only change you. And drop the "old, rotten potatoes" out of your sack, cause they're stinky and heavy.

I do understand about having a less than stellar parent/s. For a long long time I carried that hurt and anger around in my heart. I had a realization at my grandmothers funeral, that no matter what I said or did, it wasn't going to change who they are and the fact that they don't want to see their problems and get help. I can change how I react to it, and how I deal with it.

You have also put a great many words into my mouth. I never said you were whining. I was attempting to give you a bit of that motherly wisdom you were asking for, as was Mirandee. And let me clue you in on something else. You can study for your whole life and never be ready to be a parent, and still make mistakes. Cause they're each individuals, and what bothers one won't bother another. The rules change for each one, and you change too.

You can think of me what you want. Those who know me will think of me what they want. The only opinion that matters about me is mine. You don't have to be a genius to understand that you are being self-destructive, and that to continue this path will not serve your potential. Don't waste it HSC.

Be Blessed,
GG

posted May 03, 2007 11:04 AM         

I don't come here that often, but as I recall, you were born on my son's birthday. My son - of the scorpio sun and rising. My son - of the (3) rehabs. Last stay - about (1) year. You need to do the same. You are in a rut, and it is going to eat you up and kill you. You need help - RIGHT NOW. I do not have your eloquent words, just my own style of bluntness. Your drugs are just a way to distract yourself from - not enough Mommy? Whatever. You are right - there is no quick fix, let it go, move on. You need to DEAL with your past, with the imperfect love that your received. A good rehab will help you do that. The drugs are just bandaids. You have got to figure out your personal code and learn from your past mistakes. You are never going to really learn a thing that matters if you keep covering up - lying - hiding. You need to live a life of truth, and that truth is dealing with the real you - figuring out how you "tick", and learning from your past mistakes or mistreatments. You are never going to be able to "deal" if you slap on the drug bandaid. You will feel control and power when you can figure out what presses your buttons. Face up to the truth about yourself and your past. Deal. That is the only way you can change yourself and your reactions. From your posts, I think it is time to get some help. Also, as a moderating, I do not think you should be advocating drugs.

posted May 03, 2007 11:05 AM         

You are right on the money with most of what you say.

But, my great faith in myself, and my feeling that I am deeply misunderstood and absurdly under-appreciated, is not a deluded attempt to overcompensate for a disappointing hand dealt to me. It is the natural result of being gifted with uncommon passion and truly rare insight into the nature of things, in a world which undervalues these gifts, and makes it nearly impossible for me to be true to myself and happy at the same time.

And I do listen to what people have to say. I listen, and I respond directly to what they have said. Most times they dont respond back, or, if they do, don't mention my responses, unless it is to complain that I did not change my mind. They rarely change theirs either, but not, I think, for good reasons, which they are reluctant or unable to produce. Can I help it if my ideas are so consistently opposed to others'? Can I help it if I have spent a great deal of time arriving at and refining my ideas, so that it might take a really solid argument to tear me away from them? You think I am close minded. I think I am so open minded it scares people. I dont just listen to your point of view, I empathize with it, I take it up, and proceed to flesh it out with arguments which you yourself are either unaware of, or unwilling to produce. Then, I proceed to find the flaws in it, and I return to my own point of view, which is extremely well developed and hard to find holes in. Your frustration with being unable to dislodge me from my place is not on account of any stubborn unwillingness to listen on my part, but, more likely, on account of the fact that I pose a challenge to your beliefs which you are unlikely to admit is very real indeed.

posted May 03, 2007 11:09 AM         

Thanks.

I appreciate that you are trying to help.

But you are telling a starving man
how he ought to behave if he were well fed.
((adapted from seneca))

It's not as easy as you like to think.

posted May 03, 2007 11:39 AM         

AA...
That's a great place to meet dealers and drug connections.
And to be surrounded by depressing energies,
the likes of which make drug use utterly irresistable to someone like me.

But that's just an excuse, right?

Like you would know.

Like AA keeps records of all the people it has f-cked up.

Like you are in any position to judge the state of my soul.

posted May 03, 2007 11:46 AM         

I'm sad that things have escalated so quickly with such hurtful things said from two that I love dearly.

goatgirl, thank you.
You are an angel.

posted May 03, 2007 12:07 PM         

A lot of people have a lot more work to do than me,
to be capable of giving and receiving love.

Unlike many people,
my problem isnt how to give and receive love,
but how to cope with not giving and receiving love.

posted May 03, 2007 12:23 PM         

You dont know how hard I fight,
or how many good choices I make.

I take mushrooms once a month, at most.

I get drunk once every few weeks.

I smoke pot once a week.

Those are the facts.

Drugs are not my problem.

posted May 03, 2007 12:39 PM         

I admire your composure and civility.

But can you cite one assumption I made? I made one speculation, that you were, perhaps, guarding your own feelings too tightly, and that this might be the reason you begrudge me my free expression of my own feelings. You were offering me a cold shoulder, and if that is your idea of mothering, I'd hate to see your idea of fathering.

I know that no amount of study could fully prepare me for parenthood, which is why I said I probably won't ever have kids, and, if I did, the least I could do is study like a madman for it. I am very aware that kids are different and have different needs. My sister turned out fine, lol.

Anyway, I appreciate the kind and mature things you just said, and I hope I was off the mark in my earlier speculations.

hsc

posted May 03, 2007 12:57 PM         

You were speculating about me. You made assumptions about my caring.

My idea of mothering - again talk to anyone who knows me on or offline and they can tell you what kind of parent I am, and how deeply I care, and how hard I have to work everyday to not repeat the abuse my parents so generously gave to me rather than work on themselves and fix thier own issues.

My parents used to beat the hell out of me everyday. Pull down your pants stand there while dear old Dad takes off his belt, and then just wait your turn. Didnt' matter how many times I cried "No Daddy don't do it, please I;ll be good. I promise. Don't hit me please" I was all of 3. Oh and then there's the times I got the wooden yardstick broken on my bare bottom, or the wooden spoon broken on it. Or whatever else was handy, so that my parents could get the emotional poison out of them and that it wouldnt' hurt them anymore. Or the verbal abuse. I have fond memories of my mother telling me that "well we never wanted you anyway, you were a mistake." Oh the warm shoulders she had.

Is that what you want me to say? You want to know how I hurt? You want me to bare all?

That's not the half of what I endured.

I didn't mean to come off as uncaring. I am sorry that it seemed so to you. This isn't the first post of this type I have seen you write. People do care, and people do respond to you. Only YOU can overcome this. No one else can do it for you, or figure out how to cope with it. I know you probably know this. You have to unlock the code as Key said.

I'll be thinking of you alright?

Take care and you are loved.
Be Blessed,
GG

posted May 03, 2007 01:40 PM         

quote:

---

I tried ignoring it all. Didn't help. Tried feeling sorry for myself. Didn't help. Tried getting angry. Didn't help. Tried blaming others. Didn't help. Tried staying in bed. Didn't help. What helped? Taking a hard look at myself, confronting my feelings, and changing myself. What do you really have control of? Yourself. Not others.

---

YES.

Thanks. I enjoyed yours too. To change yourself and the patterning you are given. It's hard. It hurts. It takes one step forward, and two back sometimes. It's worth it in the end. No, it's not perfect and it never will be. You can work towards it though can't you.

Thanks for your words.
Love,
GG