posted November 02, 2009 08:43 AM            

I keep thinking that it's a phase and I'll pull out of it. I hope so... I couldn't spend another 30-50 years like this!

posted December 01, 2009 04:29 AM              

"If you are going thru Hell, keep going."

~Winston Churchill

I hear you both going thru Hell.

Going thru Hell I hear you both.

Two of the coolest ladies at LL.

Teasel's plan is to relax, enjoy the ride,
and think of things to look forward to.
That's good, as long as you don't repress
whatever your emotions are telling you;
your disatisfaction may not require
some inner adjustment or resignation,
but a concrete change in your life.

Future, a good talk and a good cry,
and a hopeful attitude can work wonders.
And definitely "get out from under" those
"things that have closed in on [you]".
You have a lot of people here who care
and want to see you in a joyful place.

I know quieting the mind isn't
like shutting down the computer.

I've been struggling, too.
Struggling to take my own advice.

I always said I was sensitive...

Now I think the most sensitive part
of me has always been my pride.

I can feel so small,
and nothing hurts more
than being humbled.

The man I want to be
seems like a mirage,
receding in the distance
as I try to approach.

Trying to find something true,
I feel like a needle spinning,
and spinning on a compass;
directionless; dizzy; broken.

Every thought in my head, it seems,
is suggested by a demon or an angel.
I have to discern between them,
deflect the one, and incline
my heart to the other.

But I feel weaker
than a spoiled child
in a candy store.

More idealistic
than a puppy
at the door.

More frightened
than a kitten
being kicked.

My moods bear me up
into the third heaven,
then down into the pit.

Grandiose enthusiasms
take possession of me
like tidal waves
washing out,
and depositing me
on rooftops, or in trees.

Now I want to be a priest,
or minister, or pastor. Or saint.
Will it last? Will it hold up?
Through seminary? Or the week?

It feels so real --
like everything is coming
into perfect alignment;
all my madness, so rebellious,
striving to be refracted
through a narrow, prismatic,
Christ-aline structure.

Anxious for order.
Shattered and lost
inside the chaos
of my mind.

Trying to make sense
of Christian doctrine;
to use this framework,
so I don't float off.

Hopeful,
but torn.

Trying to stay honest
to my personal vision,
while honoring community,
and the historical impact
of the Christian mythos.

I see religions as families;
all related to one another,
more or less distantly...

I'm not interested in arguing
that one tradition is more right
than another, but in following
a tradition that feels
right for myself,
and preaching it to those
who are right for it.

If I were to say
that my religion is
the best in the world,
it would be like giving my dad
a "World's Best Father" t-shirt.
I'm not gonna argue or
wage war about it.

It's subjective, sure,
but that's why it's true.

But, here, listen to me,
babbling on and on, when what
you really need is solitude,
or the closest thing to it
that company can bring.

You don't need to hear me
reflecting on my path.

You have your own path.

Maybe all we do is frustrate
and confuse one another.

Forgive me,
if I let it stand.

I'm starting a cleanse tomorrow.
So, I'm nursing a little hope.
Wish me luck there.

~S

ps.

quote:

---

8) On my fifth birthday I wished the Smurfs would come. My mom convinced me to tell her my wish (which goes against all wishing rules, as everyone knows.) The Smurfs did not come and I never had any doubt as to why.

---

posted December 01, 2009 01:42 PM            

How are you seems redundant. So, I'll just say, I'm turning 43 on sunday. It has occurred to me recently, that sometime in the late 90's I suppose, maybe early 00's, certain situations precipitated me to shut down in many ways. There were alot of deaths, only to be followed by more deaths, and my own demise, or shall I say, the demise of my idealism about what I held dear.
It seems as though I've hydroplaned through the first decade of this century. I remember things, but in a very detached sort of way. I see myself in photographs, but I'm not really there.
I think I woke up from my Van Winkle nap around 3 years ago, or at least I was nudged anyway, by the death of my best friend, which put alot of other things into perspective.
If you are waiting for a point, as usual I don't have one.
Except to say, that there are things we cannot explain. Ways in which our minds work in accordance with our hearts and souls, and in that way, time is irrelevant. I bet when little Karly (my neices name, btw, love it) is born, things will become alot clearer for you, and your path with be shown to you. As always, I'm thinking of you and wishing you the best..

posted December 01, 2009 08:56 PM              

~ The Rubaiyat Of Omar Khayyam

My best wishes for your daughter
and impending grandchild, Gypsee.
And for her beau, and for you.
May you see brighter days.

posted December 05, 2009 12:10 AM            

Everything is okay, or will be okay. Just not right now.

I have more to say-- more I want to say about your posts, but I don't have the energy right now for output. Just know that I appreciate your input.

posted December 08, 2009 11:00 AM              

We know.

And we look forward to your output,
when it's spontaneous and easy.

There'll always be more occassions
to connect and bounce ideas.

For now, just, please,
take care of yourself.

posted July 25, 2011 01:58 PM            

Yay to you becoming a bit more active here too... It's different here than on fb. A different vibe.. and if I may say, your presence here definitely brings that vibe UP Up Up.

posted July 25, 2011 04:07 PM            

Reading back over some of the last things I posted before hiatus makes me appreciate how different life feels right now! Nothing really has changed, but I've changed and it's made a huge difference.

I'm sad some people I really liked are gone, but also happy to see the ones still here(or back!)

Wheeeeeeeeee, indeed!

posted July 27, 2011 12:07 AM            

Teasel, how are you?! Are things better now than when we last talked? Catch me up!

Pix! I just want to say that it's really cool to be back here with you again. I had been peeking in from time to time and posting a little here and there, but when I saw that you had returned I was like YAYYYYY!! I also wanted to tell you that I have another friend who happens to be a Scorpio who also just blows me away with the way she says things. Both of you have such a gorgeous way with words, and I can appreciate a pretty phrase! I don't know how you guys do it. Also, I just broke up with another Scorpio friend over the weekend. What an awkward thing to do-- to break up with a friend. Like officially and explicitly. I've only had to do it one other time, and that one was also a Scorp. I haven't decided yet whether or not that's significant.

posted August 10, 2011 12:42 AM            

*shudders*

Not that any one horrible thing happened, it's just been a bad few years for my person-ness. Make sense? And I haven't even almost gotten on to my proper path yet (I use that loosely, really only to differentiate that THIS is certainly not it, although in the whole scheme of things everything happens for reasons, yada yada...) but at least now I'm not roaming around in the dark anymore.