posted August 10, 2011 01:48 PM            

I'm reading this book called, "I'm Spiritual, Dammit!" that I was reading parts of in the bookstore, earlier this year, (and late last year, when I wasn't distracted by anything else). They then moved it on me, so I only just found one copy on Saturday night, when I ended up buying it (they're going out of business). At times throughout the book, the author repeats you are right where you're supposed to be. I don't necessarily believe that - I think I got way off track somewhere - but I keep repeating it to myself, anyhow. Of course, nobody said that being right where I was supposed to be, meant that I had to continue maintaining bad habits, amongst other things.

For making it to page nine, and away from 2009:

posted August 11, 2011 12:08 AM            

Almost all of my issues revolve around my husband. *Sigh* I don't even know where to begin with this. I've been wanting to go into it for a while, but I don't even know what to say. Everything is really good. At the same time, everything really sucks. I've come to realize that although he and I have a great friendship (of sorts) he is not really "there." As in, I suspect he may be a narcissist or have some other sociopathic sort of issue.

I'm still trying to sort this out and make sense of it. Mostly, nothing feels "real." I think he means well. I know he really cares about me and our family, but there's something missing. Additionally, he's very ambitious-- two years ago we started our own business (against my wishes) and things are going well, but my problem is that he's not at all conscientious and I feel like a lot of things get dropped in my lap. It's just exhausting.

It's...complicated. It's so easy to get swept up in his whims, simply because there's really no other choice. Long story short, I've digressed from my own path and if I don't get involved in his aspirations, we're screwed because he's not great with details and those details will make or break us.

Ultimately, I don't really love him anymore, even though I have a great deal of affection for him. On paper, I love my life-- we have a family, we own a business and two (very modest) homes. But he's kind of a trainwreck of a person. So easy to live with (not demanding, easygoing) and yet impossible (not realistic, always taking on new things that get dumped in my lap.) It's quite hellish, but hard to talk about because on the surface it doesn't look like anything is wrong.

Mostly, it just feels very Alice in Wonderlandish, where I'm going down the rabbit hole and nothing makes sense. Sucks, sucks, sucks, especially when, to the best of his abilities, he adores me and wants our family to stay together. :/ So there's a guilt factor thrown in on top of everything else.

More on this when I actually have something to say. I could ramble on forever and not seem to make sense! In a nutshell, I feel like I should just cut my losses and leave, but if I do, I'll never be able to do the things I want to do because I'll be struggling to take care of myself and the kids. Of course he would help, but we don't make enough at the store to support both of us separately.

I go to counseling monthly which has been so helpful as I try to sort through this. Most of the things I read about narcissists and the like are really horrendous, and he's not like that, but it's still horrendous in its own way.

Over the last few years we had some really dark times. Things only began to improve when I stopped expecting the things from him that I would require for a meaningful relationship. It's really kind of win/lose. And my heart goes out to him because he really wants things to be different but he doesn't know how and I'm tired of playing guru games, especially when they all lead back to square one.

So! That was a lot of muck.

I just need to start getting it out there because it's too much to carry around anymore.

posted August 11, 2011 11:01 PM            

I understand you when you say that it looks great on paper. And theoretically it's 'fine' ( Who wants a fine life, anyway? I want Juicy!)

posted August 11, 2011 11:28 PM            

I was gone from feb to july.
All the things I thought I hated, I missed terribly. All the things I wanted to break free from, I wanted back.

posted August 12, 2011 01:06 AM            

Gypsee, how long have you been together? And how are things now?

Pix, I remember you going through some trying times in your relationship a few years back. It seems things are much better for you now. Without prying too much into your personal life, what would you say was the "aha" factor? Like, was it you or him or both? Did you just find a new way to work through things?

As long as I'm here, I'm open to the possibility that today may be the day that things turn around. (Again, things are really pretty good. I'm just missing some very important things in life!) People grow and change all the time, and sometimes the smallest shift can make room for huge results. Who knows. I care for him deeply and we're quite attached. But I also can't help longing for a very different sort of life with a very different sort of guy.

I've learned that there's a huge difference between loyalty and commitment. I'm still trying to figure out what that means for me...

posted August 12, 2011 02:53 AM            

I guess for me, it was in the losing, I realized what I WAS losing. My children's sense of safety, sense of family, my own sense of love, all my securities- and I don't mean money... all those things you don't think are important.. they came flooding out and I was left bereft. It was not a change i wanted. But I know it had to happen so I would recognize that noone can read my mind, complaints would overwhelm me if they weren't spoken in any real way and attempted to become fixed.
Everything must be nurtured.
So we crumbled away and broke our hearts, and wow- it was a big heartbreak. Disentangling from my expectations hurt too.. I didn't want my convictions to be wrong.
We camped out under the covers and remembered that we were the couple who was magical. We just had to stop looking at the practicalities and fill our lives with some more pixie dust.
We just made our relationship important again. Everything else followed.
That's MY story.... yours might be different.
It's ever evolving... But I can honestly say I love him so much, and we are true partners. If I couldn't say that, then I think my story would be different.. and it takes courage to face either possibility.

posted August 13, 2011 03:05 AM            

We made alooooooot of mistakes, but we had a fast lifestyle for a long time.

Anyway, what I just want to say, and I took it that pixie was saying something similiar, is that these long term things are like roller coasters, but TWO different coasters. Like you are on one, and your mate is on the other one,, and you can see one another, and sometimes you are both up, but alot of times one is up and the other is down.
And down doesn't really mean, depressed, it can just mean 'not into it'

IDK, this is hard stuff to analyze let alone type, but you know,
my idea of marriage is a contract and a vow before God, and yes, I may have not been an angel, but I still kept in my heart that he was 'above all others' which is what I vowed to do.

Sometimes you gotta carry the load for them, and then in turn, other times they will carry the load for you.
That would be the emotional load, I mean.

posted August 13, 2011 12:28 PM            

quote:

---

"and I figure that if I model the behavior I would like to have, it will manifest.
That's my hope anyway... "

---

Awesome! And yes indeed.

Marriage is freaking tough. But then, so is life, and so is anything worthwhile....and...so are YOU. And You, And you, And Me.

posted August 21, 2011 12:22 AM            

You've always been one of my favorites. I believe you understood me better than anyone else in this community.

I guess we both took an absence around the same time. In August of 2009 I moved to Virginia with a pisces woman, began a whole new life, and completely fell out of touch around here.

The pisces and I split after a year and a half.

I've tried to renew my interest in astrology. I've made a few posts earlier this year, but I feel after numerous years of intense study, the last two years of neglect has caused me to lose some bit of intuition for the art. I've realized astrology must be exercised to stay sharp, and I guess I've become distracted.