posted September 19, 2020 04:10 PM            

Why am I like this? Why is it I never learn? WHY do I ALWAYS self sabotage?!
I am so useless, I hate myself for being useless, FOR BEING LIKE THIS and I HATE myself for LETTING ME be USELESS and I HATE MYSELF for hating myself.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry to you, to everyone and to anyone who believed in me.
The only thing I continue to excel in, in this life, is at failing and being a disappointment.
That is all I am, everything I will amount to and anything I might ever be.
This life. It is the same.
Because I am still the same me.
I always will be.
The same lazy and permanently incompetent me.
Still useless, yet aged.
Already aged, yet somehow dumber and more ignorant than before.

No wonder I can't love myself.
Because who could?
If anyone knew what I really am, why would they?

posted September 19, 2020 06:40 PM            

What you're experiencing might be the emotional clearing and cleansing from having been sooo nervous and naturally on-edge anticipating your meeting.

It's OKAY... really it is.
It's okay to have that launch of feelings, and all the words... You are OKAY. You are Still worthy of all the WorK you put into all of that.
Yes. ... pressure OFF.
It's normal.
*Big MORE HUGS* to you

You have Survived!!!!! yay YOU.

Now, I want you to remember how you tend to maybe overly criticize self? This was a New Moon in VIRGO-- plus, your nerves.
{NM Virgo happened on top of MY own Moon within close seconds.. my moon is 24.56, and this was 25.02? ..yep that's close!! haha}. Also puts my Moon conjunct your Vertex, and North Node. My Sun conjuncts your IC.

The restless energy of Virgo can be over-worry and perfectionism, and especially self-criticalness.
The FLIP side,
makes you a Great Accountant candidate; makes you super-accountable and into the tiniest DETAILS. It's part of what makes YOUR talent shine out. You're a Highly Educated, MULTI-Talented woman!!!-- and YOU are Going Places in your life. yeahhhh.

You did nothing wrong...
Okay -- you've analyzed what it "COULD" have been, and that wasn't necessarily the TRUTH of what actually happened.
That's just part of what a careful person you are. So detailed and observant. Banking Woman skills for SURE.
You did manage to learn a lesson with use of that kind of media. You might have averted future mistakes? The VP probably has no clue what happened.
{That's for you to know, and for him to 'slip from his mind'. Don't bring it up.}

Seriously?
I don't think it cost the VP any time off his schedule to be having a glitch. Nope. He was probably sorting papers, or, taking a welcomed break! .. yes

He scheduled you because he sees VALUE in you.
The Value is there, whether he decides on someone else or not.

Don't sweat it... .... okay.
Shake those Beautiful nerves off!!!
{Been there, done that!!!}
It's part of the excitement, the adrenaline rush.. yippeeeee

It's "just" energy.... let it process through.
You STILL are a Candidate for that Job, if you want it.
The interview can be re-set.
You have already prepared self with EXTRA knowledge (therefore confidence) of how your equipment works.
That's cool.

Issues--
Something ELSE you got to 'process' at this time, were "real" issues with your mother and 'what' she said to you. That was NOT right .. and sort of demeaning.
I'm surprised that her comment came out of her mouth.
That's not TRUE.

Your Worth job-wise is your natural Talent and the Education degrees you worked very HARD to earn.
You ALSO have a very kind heart.
And if you have attractiveness, which most women DO, then that's nice!!

Darker Sexual issue--
You know how you asked me before if I'm psychic?? Well, my sudden feeling to 'edit in' the sexual piece of that post, was based on an inside-prompt to say that.

Unfortunately in this business world, there are still some really scuzzy situations around a woman's sexuality. It might not appear in any of the places that 'you' might work in. Every once in a while, you read or hear of the less-appealing characters that certain offices may have.

It's important for Women to KNOW and be aware of what others have experienced. It's good for Women to be aware and protect each other. Women are Valuable. They deserve respect.

The Fun side--
I pleasantly agree with you about offices where there's some flirting or natural compliments that come from men.
Myself? I enjoy that very much too. Like you, I have taken it as a compliment. It's a way of them expressing affection and liking, and their saying they admire you.
Worked in several construction offices before, and I have always have enjoyed the back-and-forth innuendoes-- and I had a way of drawing the boundaries for them.
. .
Before Covid, I worked as a volunteer in a legal office for 3 years. There was 'banter' there. I kept telling a young Libra man that he should have gone into modelling. It was the truth. And he always looked so very debonair .. He said coming in on the afternoons when I worked, was a real ego-boost to him!! haha. AND, he deserved it. He was NOT a vain person at all. It's GOOD to be 'appreciated', and to hear 'with your own ears' the feedback.

Sexual .. off-color
There is a difference between playful banter, and someone paying a compliment-- and the definite off-color dirty-feeling sexual offence from the mouths of men, and women.
. .
IF that were to occur, you'll instantly know the difference inside. It's clear. It's uncomfortable. You'll know it. And if you want, you can warn others -- about them. Even if it's at work, depending, consider reporting the incident to your HR, or superiors.

To ease you---
You might 'never' have that happen.
Or if it were to? have a plan on how to handle it.

Mr. Chiron is a therapeutic Healing force.

There is a side to the Centaur asteroids that people miss hearing. The physician Chiron, and Chariklo {aka Mrs. Chiron} took care of the Centaurs, and schooled them as they gathered as a family in the cave of Mt Pelion. They were created with a mission to be sent as protectors and healers over humankind.

There's a side of Dejain having to do with 'how' she was going to think of herself when she discovered the wrong that had been done (accidently? maybe) with the poisoning of her husband.
. . Sometimes we can get into a predicament in life, that is not our fault how it got there, how it started and came to be.
It is important not to judge ourselves SO harshly for things that were not 'caused' by our self.
Key to that.. is to Process the pain, the guilt or any sense of fault. Analyze it well, then DISCARD the toxicity... softly, life is hard enough to live. Don't drag the past around yourself like chains and metal chests to weigh you down.
What happened happened. You cannot change that.

Sometimes 'harm' has happened inside.. and you wind up with scarring ... Look at that as "character" marks. Look at 'what you went through' and you got PAST that event, that time period.
You're on the other side of it.
And you are STILL Valuable.
STILL Loveable and deserving. ... so much.

Yeah. That's you.

A NEW you, each day.. each morning.

Wishing you a wonderful weekend.
Get some rest. Eat good things for yourself.

Get outside, and look up at the Stars.
We all get to see the exact-same stars as the Earth turns.

How Beautiful.

I'm sending you Love and Light--
In the spirit ...

Let those Healing Asteroids express to you, also.
They are always 'up there'.

Virgo New Moon Blessings
The Moon will grow brighter ..
More beautiful each day.

(music) I Am Sending You Light (Melonie DeMore)
[3:39] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wSNQFstyu_s

Every Day---
(music) Morning Has Broken (Cat Stevens.. ha??!
omg There's a CENTAUR laying in the grass in the vid--
can't make that stuff up!!
Universe Blessings at work in your life!! *grin*)
[3:16] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e0TInLOJuUM

posted September 20, 2020 11:06 AM            

In regards to my mother, I have long accepted that we are very different people with very different world views and it does not affect me when she dismisses my achievements or think of them as "unimportant"

I learn from my mother because I always believed that people are different in ways you can/should learn from them. In fact, I also learned this from my her.
For instance, the issue with me is that I tend to be too work forced while my mom is very people centric. Therefore when she brings up these issues to scold or to advise me, it aligns me as a human being better. Because of the way she is, I learned that I can focus 100% on my work and just wait for her to come nag at me to socialise or pay attention to non-work details that from her years of culminated experience are important.
Essentially, I guess what I'm saying is that I know that both my mom and I are not perfect, but by selectively picking, learning and incorporating certain traits of hers, I believe I have became a better person and more well versed in handling "people"
i.e emotional intelligence

My only issue with her so far is how she blames me for everything, really punishing the "if others can do it, I can do it. If nobody can do it, I must do it" mentality into me then blame me for being obstinate afterwards. But I understand that it is her way of teaching me how to "cooperate" with others, how to deal with "difficult" people and more importantly, how to "live and let live"
Although her mentality is too warped, as I grew older, I continued to ask people "is this right?", "is this wrong?", " what is the right thing to do?" and definitely "what would you do if you were me?"

One example of my mom's warped mind is e.g I had a school project work with a good friend and another guy. This good friend is lazy, so nobody wanted to team up with her. However since she basically followed me into the course, I felt I needed to take some responsibility and help her out. I did 75% of the work, tbh I would have been fine with doing 100% of it but I wanted to save her some face.
During the course of 2 month, I could not assign any work to her directly because she "hated" how directive I was, so I had to assign her work and probe about its status from the other guy.
This girl said "what's the rush" at the beginning.
Towards the end, 2 weeks before the submission date, she showed me her work, I edited it on a Thursday and told her to take a look. She ignored me and continued talking about boys. Every single day she'd talk about guys and I'd ask her if she has edited, what she thinks of my comment, if she's having any difficulties etc but she'd just ignore me and continue chatting about guys while I was already stressed out like hell. Come next Friday, it was time for submission. I went to school at 3pm to meet the guy and she came and I asked her how is the work. Has she edited the things I told her to edit? She told me she didn't even look at it! So I began to furiously give directions, demanding things to be done and this girl kicked up a fuss over how I am always so "last minute"

I was so angry, after submitting it at 3pm, I called my mom to cry and she told me its "my fault" and that when I start work I would see more of people like her so might as well "learn how to deal now"

I was so stunned. I did everything I could from start to the end. This was not my damn fault. I even put up with her ******** for the first two months by relaying all work instructions regarding work to her through someone else! She blamed me for being "rushed" in the beginning, then blamed me for being "last minute" at the end when she was the one who had two weeks to look at my edits but did not even take a look, much less edited them. I did 75% of the work, while she shared 25% load with the other guy. There was literally, NOTHING MORE I could have done better or more.

I met up my friends who told me not to be "crazy" and that I will never meet such people in my work because people in work place would have some level of "responsibility" and superiors to answer to, if I am not their superior. And if I am, they wouldn't even be hired in the first place.
This incident happened last year as I felt I was turning into someone that is easy to "push over" due to 1. my lack of care to anything and 2. values my mom tried to instil in me. (if I am more capable, then I should do more. It is only right. -> which I still do now, and do not claim credit for anything)
Anyways as I begin consulting around more often, I am getting more in alignment.

I hope to be a better person.
--------------

I'm still thinking about the VP. If he brings it up, should I apologise? Or would apologising make him believe it was truly 100% my fault?

--------------

Anyways I feel that you just "get" me.. Is it because your Moon conjuncts my Vertex and North Node? I feel like I can look to you for proper advices in the ways I can relate to others, to my own emotions and with my experiences. Oh! It's like you are the Moon I never had hehe.

posted September 21, 2020 10:36 AM            

I was THE SAME as you are!!!
I've had my share of needing to work with LAZY coworkers/team-members. Even ones who would sabotage the work (while drawing a salary?, or gaining education credits).

When they are confident that YOU will pick up THEIR work-share, AND they put it on YOU, knowing they will receive 'credit' for what they didn't-do and learn .. That's despicable.

Whether it's in a university college setting, or in REAL life, the presence of dishonest people with lack of character is like a millstone. What a DOWNER.

They WASTE company money, when in the workforce.
Quality is inferior.
They USE people.

My God! .. Wouldn't it be WONDERFUL to be part of a Cooperative, Talented Team to do Good works?!! YES.

In a way, I too have a streak of perfectionism. I LOVE Quality! I aim for Excellence in all that I do.

We need to have our DREAMS come true, AQUACap.

We need a Collective of Good Hearts,
and EXCELLENT People within it.

Everyone Responsible in doing their part, to the Utmost.

posted September 21, 2020 10:54 AM            

We cannot control their behaviors,
but let them show you how 'not' to be?? *smile*

Wow!!!
So special.

You are a Great Person,
and you will accomplish Great things over your Lifetime.

Life has sorrows, tests, and troubles--
You will not be without these.
But they build Character.
They Refine what's IN you.

Be Good to your Self.
You deserve it!

posted September 29, 2020 08:13 PM            

Just a quick update. Sorry I have been so busy.
But I have two interviews set tomorrow for two different jobs at two different banks! (See why I have been so busy? haha)
Please wish me luck~

I am also happy that Deutsche Bank actually called me twice last week, twice again on Sunday and on Monday (where I finally picked up >_> ) just to tell me to apply on their website (LOL) and to reconfirm my graduation date. My friends told me that must mean they really want me or else they wouldn't have bothered so much 🤣

Still no updates from the VP of the previous bank but I'll probably send his HR another email tomorrow >.<

You are so right about many things and I can relate to you so well because you are a Virgo Moon. I LOVE virgos. Must be due to my DC being Virgo and my NN is 29 degrees Virgo. Maybe that's why I find you so inspiring as well? ✨✨

I had a weird dream a few days back and I wanted to share with you because of how confusing it is (I will keep this short) but

Context: My "mom" is actually my aunt (my father's sister). She adopted me when my biological mom abandoned me and my father was abusive. I owe her a great deal (and is also why I feel so sorry for putting her through my eating disorder and the way she blames herself for it).

ANYWAY. I dreamt that my biological mom died and my aunt kept it from me.
I tried googling the significance but it's confusing. Subconsciously & consciously, my biological mom is just someone who gave birth to me. So when I google "dreamt of mom dying", it didn't feel right. In my dream, I recalled feeling angry and betrayed that my aunt kept it from me. I found out that my biological mom got beat to death by her abusive boyfriend (whom everyone told her not to return to but she didn't listen?? and I think she tried to call me but I ignored her call hence she died??) and that for the past few years, my mom was the one paying for my bills, school fees etc (at least 50%) so I felt horrified.
Although in the same dream, I dreamt that I climbed a sky scrapper to save an injured person (LOL) thinking "AGAINST ALL ODDS! I MUST TO DO THIS."

MY rant is over! I will be back tomorrow to give you more updates. I'm so busy preparing the interviews.

posted October 01, 2020 08:52 PM            

I have exams next week. I will come back to update you more on the situation ❤️

Thanks for always having faith in me 😁

posted October 07, 2020 06:34 PM            

Glad to see that you're progressing in pursuit of future dreams. And, I wish you luck EVERY day, as I think of you often.

The next NEW Moon is on October 16, at 23.53 Libra. That's in your 'banking' house-- the 8th. Transiting Mercury is in Scorpio (in your 9th house 'internationality', and your college/higher-education) is going retrograde after Tues Oct 13, at 11.40 Scorpio-- It will swim back into your 8th Libra, then turn to head back for your 9th again.
You're looking forward to tying the details, wrapping the 'bow' on your degrees! wooot wooot. *fireworks*
..
Mercury turns Direct at 25.57 Libra in your House of Banks H8, Tues Nov 3rd, at same time Venus leaves your 7th and enters the Banking 8th House. She will conjuncts your Mars at 5 Libra H8, and reinforce all those beautiful trines you have from Mars 5+ Libra, in an array to your late Capricorn and through to your mid-Aquarius planet degrees. Gorgeous!

Venus now graces your 7th House. Partnering. One-to-one interviews, meetings. She'll come up onto your Vertex {fated-opportunity} and the NN after the New Moon Libra plants 'new' in your 8th House Libra.

Heads-up ---
You'll be experiencing some other kinds of transits {like, some days of t-Venus opp Saturn} which 'emotionally' can feel like a grey-kind of bleh, lonely, shadowy depressed-feeling kind of energy. THIS TOO Shall Pass. It's "just" the transit!
You've been dealing long-term with transiting Saturn on top of your Venus Capricorn already.
...
Be good to yourself = 'My Mirage says-so!! ' LOL
So Much Love!! *hug*

More Heads-up --
Now that Saturn has gone direct in Capricorn, you are ALREADY prepared for the LAST visit to your Venus and Neptune. Remember (re-read portions of this thread) how that transit can 'feel'. Go read it again. You may already have learned the inside-way on how to position self to tolerate that. You've been working through those energies. Won't be strange to you. Will have familiarity.

{That's part of what's marvelous after first-hit and then retrogrades.. the last-pass over its degree 'direct', feels more familiar ~~ like you've handled this for the weeks/month prior, and the strength of it waves through to a resolution.
... Just 'be good to yourself' through the last one, KNOWING that you've done it before, and .. hold within-you the attitude that "I Can Do This" to 'the finish' .. It's TEMPORARY.
...
No need for self-sabotage if you'd get that kind of itchy-feeling. Just wait it out... and after the pass, you'll feel PROUD. Sometimes rougher transits can feel inside just horrible-impossible IF you 'forget' what the sky energy was. .. Always know that 'having those feelings' does NOT indicate what is reality-truth necessarily. It's like a rainstorm. No self harm. Gentle gentle gentle.}

There's a strange/unique thing I've observed about Venus opp Saturn. Yeah, it can 'feel' a bit gloomy to the emotional state, but has ability to manifest material stable wealth {big-money} with some charts I've poured over.

This past weekend I attended an online marathon two-day 11-hours/day astrology summit. You were on the background of my mind as I listened to several financial forecasters, and the possible future of banking.
..
It would be good for you to stay informed on the ways that banking may morph. Keep self aware for the kinds of shifts that can occur.

In one of your past posts, I had 'searched' some organizational initials {wikipedia} that represented a kind of society, coming under the umbrella of one of your finance degrees. {Global}
. .
The organization/society was involved in finding solutions for a global economic re-balancing.
. .
If I find it again, I'll post their url.
Maybe you are already aware of them, since it's listed under the 'specialty' degree you have.

At Christmas this year, Saturn and Jupiter enter Aquarius. You'll have your Jupiter Return. Those beginning degrees of Aquarius light up like a Christmas Tree this year!! LOL {I hope it will be very Happy.}

Here's another asteroid for you.

389 Industria.
Industria can pertain to 'the work' you do. I've seen her active in employment transits in charts. {My roommate was the 'poster-child' example in astrology to the timing and way Industria works in a chart!! yep.}

You have 389 Industria conjunct VESTA -- Ceres 0, Jupiter 2, Uranus 5, Sun 11, Vesta 12, and Industria 14+ Aquarius.

In financial astrology, VESTA is connected to Securities. You have conjunction of Vesta-Industria. {If course too-- can represent other things.}
Your Sun-Vesta is indicative of someone with High-Integrity.
Working around securities, banking, .. 12th House having to do with keeping things 'private' for clients.. It fits you.

7742 Altamira
has to do with protecting something valuable.
Antiquities?
Has a tie to Insurance companies.

You have 7742 Altamira Scorpio 25.03 H9, after your Part.of.Fortune Scorpio 23.07. You have Pluto Sagittarius 5+, then your MC {career/public house} at 6.23 Sag.

Transiting today..
13956 Banks is Scorpio 22+ .. H9 ..
P.o.Fortune is 23 Scorpio.

Transiting 389 Industria {job?} is now in Virgo 28+ ON your Vertex {fated opportunities} 28+ and then NN 29.51 Virgo H7. It will connect with your Mars Libra on Thurs Oct 22.

Asteroid 39382 Opportunity.. is transiting your 10th House Sagittarius 9+. You have 39382 Opportunity Sagittarius at 27.44 H10.

In your 11th, you have transiting 7742 Altamira Capricorn 15+ conjuncting your Mercury Cap 17+...
t-Jupiter is direct in Capricorn at 18+ ..
Your natal 13956 Banks is 20+ Capricorn.

{humor } ..
Asteroid 22156 'Richoffman' is transiting your 10th House Sag, at 16+ ... approaching your 39382 Opportunity Sagittarius 27+. ... just sayin' ..

Maybe your future boss is a rich-off-man?
(= man/woman/person)

OF COURSE.. haha. We look at the asteroids in a 'light' way. They are Fun. They are experimental.

______________________

OH!! I ran out of time right now... but I DO want to say something about your DREAM.
I'll be back.

posted October 08, 2020 01:03 PM            

I remember working for several stock market companies for around 4-5 years. ~1979 to ~1984 {quitting after the birth of my first daughter}. Worked as a permanent-temp. Sales-assistant mostly. Heavy switchboard, giving quotes; receiving buy-sell orders from clients. And I also had the quick opportunity to work in 'the cage' for a week {to cover a vacation}.. 'The cage' is the banking-core of a stock brokerage company.

I remember the new recruits as 'stock brokers' that were hired to START fishing for their 'own' clients, doing cold-calls, receiving lists of phone numbers to keep dialing.

Each broker is like a mini-business of their own. They can work collaboratively with another broker or with several as a team.

From what I was able to witness while working on the floors, it was a rare few out of maybe a dozen hires, that actually had their business catch-fire.. and advance. They were not given sales assistants.. but from time to time I'd help a few out.

'Sales' is much different from data-analysis. You've got to be able to market and push-yourself on potential customers.

I think you had said that you can talk to just-about anybody. You are attractive.. and probably well-spoken.

There's a difference between the dream of a job, and the nuts and bolts, and the other personalities you work among.

I've seen other LL members who had struggled as far as finding 'the dream'. Thing is? .. You must 'start'. Get your foot in the door of somewhere you'd think {in a grounded way} that you have 'potential' to do, to grow in, and that you'd still see yourself working-in more than 5 years-- longer term.

When you are a new hire, it takes a while of 'doing' and interacting in that company, before you'd feel that you understand them. You WILL make mistakes {because of being new}. Those mistakes you make in the early days will 'surface' in 4 to 6 months of your being there. ... When you've passed 6 months of time, then you have a much better idea what that company and your job is about.

The college degrees you obtained, earned, will enable you to step into a 'higher level' position? {At least, that's the way it was maybe 40 to 50 years ago. .. I understand that things are kind of different for young people now, who are trying to find starter-opportunities.
.. It used to be that a company hires you for your potential; they would mentor and educate you. Now? they expect 'you' to have been already-educated for the job they have. It's a shame, really. Like I said, a company {in the older days} used to hire "potential" they saw in a person-- then shape them to the company's needs. Hires were for LONG TERM. ... Now? some people hire into a company to 'occupy' a chair, and they 'chair-hop' their way among positions in different companies. Even stealing secrets. Sabotage.

In that astrology marathon I attended last weekend, one instructor was going over the function of asteroid Eris. Turns out {according to them} that this represents 'competition'... and my head went back in time, and I recalled times where 'competitive' people "set up" the company itself for a failure if they didn't get exactly what they wanted.
{Soooo destructive. Conniving.}

I've had some jobs that seemed exact tailor-made for me and my skillset. Took to it right away. I made the job look flowing, easy, and fun..
Things is? there were others who started being VERY jealous. These tried to 'bury a knife' in my back--
I'm thinking of two main incidences right now, and frankly, still don't think I'm 'over' the PAIN and SHOCK of what these 'smiling, friendly' people tried to DO to me!! .. just because I did my job well, with super-integrity, and how much I attracted the love and admiration of others who appreciated this improvement.
.. The first time, I was in my early 20s. That was the worst emotional pain!!!! Even though {as my 'enemy' said} I had {in her attempts} 'always managed to come out smelling like a rose,' I had actually been trying to PROMOTE her-- wanting her to excel. I'd catch grave mistakes she was about to make! I tried to warn her {privately}-- and avoid the potential of embarrassing herself! I wanted to support her. When she was planning to present needs of our department to an important board meeting, (representing our main department, in relationship to the function of the 'whole', she was about to do something extremely foolish. I went to our division's supervisor so he could intervene and 'explain' to her WHAT the Board was wanting from us, he pulled her aside for a whole day. {Didn't make 'me' her favorite person! ~oy}.
I STILL feel very very sad about what she did to try to sabotage. In reality, I am still shocked by the DECEIT that lies in wait inside some people!! How can they live with themselves???? oh well.
..
The second enormous set-up perpetrated on me in another job I had around 15 years later, would have wound-up embarrassing not only myself, but ruining my MY boss, and his boss {the head of the company}-- and the reputation of the company itself in the State community it served.
..
Time for the trap was upon us. It was last-minute when the woman's mother {who worked part-time} came to warn me privately that her daughter had 'set me up'. We had 48 hours left before the grand 'annual-event' was to have taken place.
My boss called me very late that night to say,
You know that you are about to get fired, don't you? He tried to say what he was going to do. ..
I said to him that I had a NEW plan.

Well--- THAT new plan worked out SOOO WELL, that 'even to this day' (2020), I found online that they are STILL using my planning-idea from the late 1980s.
. .
What I was able to change, and to successfully last-minute pull-off, gave HONOR to our Board of Directors {and Philanthropists}. Made my boss's boss look 'well' in front of them.
. .
That woman's mother apologized heavily, and she PLEDGED her loyalty to me.
I was really valued and admired by so many in that company. I was TRUSTED. They could count on me to do 'the right thing'.. and I NEVER needed to resort to back-stabbing and using cut-throat ambition to compete divisibly with others.

NO..... I learned people,
and I recognized the qualities that was IN them, {the 'good' ones}. *They* {people around me} felt 'safe' and part of a network.

I'm kind of astonished 'how' that happens. But when you 'value' others, and you really genuinely care about them, it is nourishment to them. For those, it is possible to obtain their full cooperation.

EVERYONE working together towards a common-goal, wanting the SAME things ... and feeling safe to 'do' what they do best--- That lends to a well-working nucleus. ..

We spend soo many of our hours working. Coworkers are a kind of family.
. .
Alternately, the ones who arrive with a mindset to 'rent the chair' then hop out, feel like outsiders.
. .
How can you work well for a company, if you're ONLY 'out-for-your-self'? Compete and get-ahead.
. .
I'm sure the clients get that 'impression' about the company.... and will remember that impression for YEARS.
..
That first professional level job I had in my early 20s?-- there are older people who STILL work there after all these years. They remember what I did with good thoughts. I took 5 departments who treated each other with hostility, and I helped form affective working-relationships among them.
It was a coordinator's position, and I was a problem solver..
I remember the happy shock of seeing two department managers {who hated each other} actually start 'talking' together, without needing a third person present {me}. They had been working there {with hostility} for years. This was Progress!!! LOL

Oh gosh, I'm 'reminiscing' today? ..
It's GOOD to know when what you've done made an actual difference.
... And, ... "Mean people SUCK!!"

____
So yes, your mom was cruel because she said you need to deal with real-world personalities? Such a shame that she feels the need to BE like that. You'll get enough of that education on your own. You need a supporter who can talk-you-through scenarios and options-- I think rehearsing with that kind of support ADDS a level of strength, comfort and self-confidence, rather than teach by HURTING and shredding, saying you need to 'deal with it'. No no no.

~~~~~

About your dream.
Approach it like a story or a movie.
An amount of objective detachment is needed.

Look at the characters as though you were watching it with a 'theatre' perspective.

EACH piece of the dream is an actor-- even if it's "a thing" such as an object, a chair. You can give it Voice.

You can pretend being EACH character-- and add your objective 'commentary' to it.

I like metaphors and imagery.

Throughout this whole thread, the conversation dealt with some tender strong thoughts and states of reality.

In your dream-psyche are these elements.

* {{Bio-mom + aunt }} = Mom
* {{ mom }} = You, the Authority. Talking to yourself, in self-parenting merged in past-parenting.

* You were abandoned by bio-mom. Even though she never knew you, you feel a natural protection towards her. There's an unconscious 'tie' or telepathy-taffy we have within our biology. Ancestors, the gene-providers, have a stake in our 'present' body-psyche.

__
* Dream of mom dying.
Aunt-mom was trying to protect YOU from 'knowing' the FULL reality of situation.

(There are protective mechanisms in our 'own' minds that titrate "how much reality" to let into our 'conscious' immediate awareness. .. In the dream, you fight to know this. Healthy.)

You've had significant losses in the past that you (as a child) had absolutely NO say in. What happened was on the part of the adults' world. The adult-world is supposed to protect.
.. Thing is, 'children' notice. From their own limited wisdom/thinking, they can blame themselves.. for everything.

Blaming self, is a way of obtaining 'power' over a situation that was impossible for you to control. Blame,, and then guilt,, adds to the false-sense of control.

Someway, somehow,
you blame yourself for the COST of your higher-education, and you question your Choices. The feeling is that you don't have enough 'insight'.

There's a motherly piece of your psyche, towards your own self. ... At times, {just like the mother in the dream got 'beat up'} you get into beating 'the self' up, even WHEN you "don't have to return" to that-- a message given from the dream
. .
RESIST the urge of going backwards.
Yes, the impulse might be there-- but "LET IT BE". Let it fizz out, while you remain objective with self, and 'supporting' own self as it hovers and eventually leaves.
. .
You DO NOT HAVE TO "take the phone call" and "repeat the past."
{You wrote- "everyone told her NOT to return to abusive boyfriend, but she didn't listen??"}.

Keep the boundary up ..
You don't have to go backwards.

__________
* Guilt - for your parents footing your education bills?

From what I understand,
this was a way for your father {the professional pianist} to MAKE UP for your losses as a child. PLUS, it is a duty.
.. He agreed to it. He apologized to you.
Don't deprive him of a way to pay-back and 'assist' you towards having the better life you deserve.
. .
Your Aunt-mom (father's sister)..
provides from what SHE has also. It's kind of a 'parent's job' to make sure the kid has the BEST chance possible.
With the situation of you living with her, that itself actually helped her (and you) SAVE money..
Didn't need to rent an apartment.
She "already pays" for the residence she lives in, whether or not your 'body' is present. The "cost" of her roof is a constant for her. Your being-there does not really cost-her that much. Maybe slight rise in utilities. That's easily absorbed!

You are very diligent, and in your early 20s, beginning to "realize" COSTS of things. That's good.
You're 'learning'...
. .
Be "appreciative" of your blessing,
and LESS "horrified" by costs, okay?
. .
ALLOW them to 'help you' in a forward way.
. .
Some day way in the Future, you may have the opportunity to GIVE BACK to someone.
Your Aunt-mom's (and father's) gift to YOU, will keep extending into the future, where you Pay It Forward and do good for Others.
In the spiritual realms, the Blessings INCREASE. Multiply.
. .
Your job... is to 'receive',
and with the Grace resident in your Being and Heart,
to feel worthy and happy inside.

Seeing you happy, is a satisfying reward.
You're a Blessing!

__________

* from Dream Bible --
MOTHER = your 'intuition' or 'internal Guide'; the ability to 'make decisions' that will affect your future.

Fear of making wrong or bad choices
'Feeling' as though you have poor insight {which may NOT be true.. but nervousness can cast doubts}
-- remember the astrology too ..
The influence of transiting Saturn slow on your Neptune Capricorn can lead to shadowy self-doubting. Transiting Saturn on top of Venus can do the same thing. Just become aware.. that it's part of the influence. You can separate that out.

Another thing I read about the symbolism of 'Mother' in your dream dynamic, is that she takes no part in your life.
..
With your getting ready to graduate college; and to enter the workforce now; are events pertaining to a stage of your life coming to an end.
This is a confusing situation for you.
Something you've never encountered.

________
* "Against all odds! I must do this."
How were you feeling behind those words?

Climbing the wall of a skyscraper!!! haha. Wonder Woman.
You've got a HERO inside you.

In dream interpretation I saw, it talks about the 'raw determination' you have; the qualities of yourself you have .. and are somehow holding you back a bit?
- Unfinished business between you and a person
- The need to 'prove' yourself
- The sheltered life you've had

HURDLES, that need to be overcome;
Obstacles.

When in the dream you say you felt angry and betrayed?.. Maybe your psyche has been titrating how much 'reality' is forming. That's a sign you feel 'ready' for it!!
.. Ready.

And seriously, it's OKAY to put everything that went on in your adolescence in the PAST. {Even to your eating disorder, and everything involved with that. You are Growing, and Evolving. It was a time period where you had done 'the best you could' your SELF. .. We can be surrounded with options, but it's "the self" that needs to 'digest' what's been going on with it, and to move on PAST it... Like when you've been really sick with flu or infection, 'it is what it is' and there IS a Future, and what happened does NOT have to have a 'hold' on you.

You are Free ..
Even if thoughts re-visit from time to time, I want you to notice how MUCH time has gone by from 'then' till now. And that you'll have DECADES of time ahead of you.

You are Free to sculpt your Life.
LET the people who Gave to you, have the BLESSING of having Given.

It's MORE blessed to Give,
than to receive.

The Givers... have the BETTER Part.

--- So.
Your dream reflects the dynamics going on in your mind, in your psyche. We 'digest' materials in the night, and process our lives, having rest from needing to have those things repeat or occur in 'real' life.

I hope at least some of that was helpful? LOL

Astrologically, things are coming to closes right now. After the Mercury retro, there will be eclipses in December, then Saturn Jupiter will 'start' in Aquarius. This can potentially give a whole new feel.

------------

I was listening to a song the other day.
Thought of you.

The composer gave the 'background story' of how this song "came" to him naturally.

To me, the singer sounds like Outer Guidance, sent for Comfort and more security.

We can have/hear the voice of guidance surround us, speaking like this. We have 'A cloud of witnesses' .. as scripture says. A crowd of people who passed-on, a crowd of our ancestors who Live-on in another 'form' outside the body... but they communicate, and cheer, and assure.

posted November 30, 2020 02:26 AM            

1. I start work tomorrow! At the risk management department in a major bank, directly under the board of directors where I will be doing rotations around them. My department oversees 5 sub risk departments and I also get to take part in board meetings as board secretary. It is a superb opportunity and it really feels like everything was meant to be you know? Like the thing with the VP and everything else because this role is the role of a lifetime!

2. To accept this role, I had to turn down a full time role from this CEO who went to Harvard and was the head of investments in JPMorgan (2 years), Merill Lynch (7 years). Essentially I applied for a trainee role but after sending him my work and doing his take home assignment, he felt that it is beneath my potential so he wanted to offer me a full time role instead, as an equity analyst (although he feared I might get bored since I am a "quant" person and extremely talented at what I do??) Anyways, as I discussed with him and he felt my role at the bank can maximise my potential the most, he offered to mentor me instead, guide me and I also offered to do some work for him when I have time since I want to develop skills in "qualitative analysis" for him to review and guide me further which he agreed. To summarise, a really amazing man has agreed to be my mentor and if the thing with the VP never happened, I would never have been able to meet him ❤️✨

3. It's about my relationship with my father. I texted him today for the first time asking for a favour (it is something that has been eating at me for the past few months and it is not easy to accomplish due to the covid situation and it costs quite a bit of money) but he readily responded, agreed to it, told me the timeline and gave me advices. Basically he agreed to solve it for me, told me not to worry about it and to continue pretending that everything is fine while he fixes it. I feel so relieved and like I have a dad y'know? To rely on? Like the other kids do.

posted December 02, 2020 02:49 PM            

It is ALWAYS "okay" to take your time.
You are not forgotten.

I am sooo exhilarated at your news.
Soooo Proud!! *love*

YOU did it!!!
You work soooo hard. So diligently!

You are a brilliant woman, and you will go far in life! I'm glad your 'quant' intellect and talent was recognized by that man. Having someone offer to MENTOR you, is a KEY. There are nuances to be introduced-to that you can learn from a mentor. {Congratulations!}
. .
As you mentioned, yes, we can do the best we can at "planning" things, and it's amazing how sometimes events happen that alter the plan, and turn out to be even 'better' than we could have done, ourselves.
The Universe has a paint-box, with colors we couldn't imagine for ourselves. Very elegant.

I'm glad that your father is also available to give you wise-counsel. With him, he can help you with the ways of 'men'/women and how to interpret behaviors. Not only that, he'd have PLENTY of "practical" advice for you. You're newly starting-off in life. Accept helpers. Yes. Listen to him. Wonderful!

That is SPECTACULAR News!!!
So!! You contacted your dad? {{BIG HUG!!!}}
I'm very impressed with you for that!
YES he loves you.
YES it's his duty AND I'm sure he feels it's a blessing to him, that you allow him to be a part of your Life. LET him HELP you. Building good karma!

Thank you for "letting HIM" iron out some issues, those wrinkles in your life. He can help smooth. He wants to insure that you're off to the right start.
So, you did the RIGHT thing by contacting him!!!
{{Good for YOU}}
. .
That's a huge sign of progress you're making, towards healing your life. You are 'already' a Whole, and Successful Woman. WALK in it. You are Beautiful, inside, and I'm sure outside.
{{giant giant giant HUGS!! }}

Sorry I wasn't able to respond to you right away--

When I read it, I gave a great big Loud whooping Shout of JOY, that I'm sure my neighbors heard through the walls. ~~~ hurray.

So. There's more that I want to say.
Have to share this computer with another person, and he wants his time now. Gotta go.

*~
Astrologically, I had looked over other things in your chart (asteroids) that I'll share at another time. AND with the regular main transits... Super-Remarkable. Yes, written in the Stars!! Even the Gemini/Sag eclipse we had Nov 30, was ON your IC/MC. {IC your parent, MC your career}. Eclipses are in effect even several weeks before, and for a few months afterwards. The Universe (God).. Force, the Wind at your Back.

I hope your first days on your new job go well.

The first TWO weeks are the hardest when you 'start' a job. Hang in there!!!! 3rd and 4th won't probably be as 'pressed' as the first two weeks. Make sure you take extra Vitamin C sources into your body, to help with the stress and 'germs'. Zinc, and the Complex of B-vitamins help guard your immune system also-- only if your body tolerates them.}

YOU are such a Joy!
Lots of Love.

========================================
December 31, 2020 - New Year's Eve

Been thinking about you. I'm sure you're quite busy learning your New job.

Anyways, I hope the "Christmas Star" formed by Saturn Jupiter Conjunction in Aquarius has ADDED to your Blessings.

Happy JUPITER Return!!

Wishing you Happy Birthday end of January,
in Advance.

You are a VERY SPECIAL Soul... Unique on Earth.

Wishing you MUCH HAPPINESS, on the harsh Roads of Life.

I hope you'll have Friends, TRUE Friends, who will be Loyal Companions throughout your Life.

You DESERVE The Best!
May God Preserve Protect and Defend you.
May God's Hand of Blessing be with you ALWAYS.

posted January 31, 2021 01:04 PM            

Hoping you are starting to really catch-on to the duties and requirements of your new job.

You have transiting "JUPITER conjunct Your SUN" for your SR.

"Jupiter conjunct Sun"
is known as "The Luckiest Day of the Year!"
YOU were 'Born' with it!! *grin*

If you are super busy, it's okay to 'just read'. Just letting you know that I wouldn't let your Special Day go by without a Celebration *Bump*.

(music) Celebration!
(Kool & The Gang, lyrics) [4:56] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H_cS39FeKCA

__________
MORE for you----
* Your thread on Jupiter Sun Combust
- http://www.linda-goodman.com/ubb/Forum24/HTML/242423.html

* Tips on getting your EXACT Transit Birthday chart
Link for "Sun conjunct Sun" {check 'Yesterday' at Astrodienst}
Free Horoscopes Daily, and Celestial Events.
. .
in Stone1's "SR" Thread--
Scroll down to Jan. 31 posting
- http://www.linda-goodman.com/ubb/Forum24/HTML/242659.html

* Perhaps you might be able to relate to things in this thread--
SimplyLuna
- http://www.linda-goodman.com/ubb/Forum24/HTML/242676.html

posted February 08, 2021 02:40 PM            

I have been so busy! Just a quick update (because its 3:40am and I have to get up for work at 8am xD

I just wanted you to know that my bosses adore me (although they think I push myself a little too hard). I am really loving my job and this work environment because everybody is so nice and a workaholic like myself haha. I feel *belonged*

For instance just now, I sent an email out at 11:24pm and my boss replied me immediately. My bosses also take the time to guide/teach me even past office hours and I make sure to keep up to my promises of submitting a work before said time.

I am learning a lot and everyday is really fun. In fact sometimes it feels that my colleagues have better work ethics/more particular about their work than me which makes me feel inadequate, like I am not doing enough. I love this because it motivates me to try harder. In the past I always had to *tone down* because my classmates/friends think I am crazy/too obsessed with my work (studies). So meeting people who are more extreme than me makes me feel really good.

I want to type more. I actually celebrated my birthday with my father. We had a 1 on 1 dinner. I will come back a little later.

posted February 08, 2021 02:43 PM            

I wish I could tell her not to fret so much, everything will turn out alright, the way they always had.

posted February 12, 2021 11:24 AM            

Fantastic news of your reconciliation with Father.
You two NEED each other. You are blood.
There's nothing more inwardly nurturing, whether you're consciously aware of that or not.
Since your Father wants GOOD towards you,
this is a Valuable relationship. As you had said before, he has great advice to share.

. .
I'm being quick in my response today.
. .

REALLY outstanding that you have Mentors,
and you are in an office that feels like your match.

I want you to be Careful--- you're an OverAchiever!
PAY ATTENTION to that.
PULL BACK when you feel too much pressure.
Your peers won't be able to detect it. I'm positive of that.

Stay in your Middle-zone..
You are hired FOR a specific amount and LEVEL of work.
Stay IN your middle.
EVEN if you are capable of MUCH more?, pay attention to HOW MUCH energy you are expending.
For just a tiny bit... pull back on your gas pedal from time to time. Gauge your output.
You may have times of feeling that you aren't putting-out AS MUCH.. That's OKAY.
Your experience is INTERNAL.
INTERNALLY, take the edge off putting Pressure on your self.
No one will know...
You will be approaching your work with more 'relaxation' when you take the over-pressure away.. This will actually make you MORE productive than less. You'll 'enjoy' it more, and feel more like a 'fit' to what you are being asked to do.
*big big HUG*

So! Take that foot off the gas..

You have been having wonderful supporting transits.
Moving in to other things that may prove to be Balancing for you, in 'positive' ways.

Go to your Astrodienst account.
Free Horoscopes.
Find Short Report of your Transits.
Read those.

You have a transit for "Love" opportunity right now. Go read about it.

Anyways... at Home, things are in a way getting much worse.
I don't know 'how much time' I'll be able to spend at LL, because of something new that just cropped up with my roommate...
Don't even know how much longer I'll be able to 'be' here.
(I 'could' be facing homelessness-- COVID is strong here, and I'm kind of scared... So if you don't see me, I'm STILL thinking of you. And in vibe, supporting you, proud of you.)

Gotta go right now,
we have appointments.

Congratulations !!!

___________
Links to your other threads.

posted February 16, 2021 07:16 AM            

Thanks for your advices, actually I have been feeling a little overworked lately so what you advised again really helped bring things into perspectives (as usual). Because this is my first job, I feel I may have been overstretching myself since I don't know what is considered "normal" and the last thing I want is to be viewed of as incompetent/inadequate/ slowing the team down. Strangely, you seem to always have an intuition as to what is going on with me... it is uncanny.

Regardless, I just found out my bosses (2 managing directors) really like me a lot and have "nothing but praises for me" because of how "efficient" I am. Taking your advices though I am going to be slowing things down a little. I love my job, I feel needed. But I think I have been really pushing myself lately. For the past 2 weeks (at least) I have been surviving on average 2 hours of sleep or non each day, and even on my birthday itself, my director actually called me at 9pm on Saturday and we discussed for 1 hour. I didn't tell him it was my birthday and my friends were waiting so it is not his fault but yes.
This is an issue I plan on resolving this year. My issues with my self esteem relating to my work performance resulting in me overworking to "over compensate" things I never owed. My goal this year or hopefully by next year (if this year isn't possible) is to be more deserving.

I haven't spoken to my dad (but this is my comfort level) though I will keep in mind to possibly repair things over the next 4-5 years. Currently is still a bit too soon and bit raw for me to process and got through. Knowing this makes you happy is actually the whole reason why I'm trying.

posted February 16, 2021 03:16 PM            

I'm glad you feel I understand you?
. .
I have an understanding of "overachievers" .. having been one. Being a person who loves "excellence" in what they produce (who puts Love into everything they do) has a kind of internal elixir-effect--the "feeling" of having done good work, is its own reward.

The PAY you receive is ONLY for a certain set of responsibilities you are hired to do, as defined by your Job Description.

If you are putting out much MORE than your paid requirements levels-- then gently, pay attention to that inside you.

I'm glad to see how much praise you receive for work done.. and I think what you wrote above about 'overstretching' is very good wisdom.

Your Transits of Aquarius, say that your Aquarius placements could have that 'boosting' tendency right now. Know that this time period will calm down.

Have confidence that your bosses might already know that first-time employment might bring that overcompensation.

They sound like good people.
I'm glad.

In the wider working-world,
you'll encounter different kinds of "bosses."
Some Corporations run certain kinds of stress work environments.
It is attractive for them to hire people with a driving competitive edge in them. It spurs {shames?} the others into doing MORE than what's required?
oh my ..

Unconsciously, your peer-level coworkers might come into small resentment feelings that *they* would be viewed by the bosses of not 'doing enough'?
This is unconscious, okay?

Consider that it protects your PEERS when you keep work-output consistent with work-level requirements for everyone.

AS you pull-back to "level-appropriate" work, then that is MOST appreciated by your coworkers. You are helping THEM by honoring the general work-efforts and pay-limits.

And your bosses SEE how hard you worked.
I'm sure you've impressed them, and they will remember that for the future.

Business Woman
You'll have to figure out how and where to lay some 'effort boundaries' within yourself.

Just because "you can"
doesn't mean you 'must'.

Perhaps you can read some books that help explain workplace negotiations, and being an advocate for self.

I know 'the thrill' of testing yourself, seeing what you can really push yourself to do---
AND,
You'll grow more as you get the feel of the workplace.
Glad you are enjoying it.

Gratitude TRAP -- *red flag*
It's nice to be grateful for their offers to mentor you--
*they* may have an agenda, Aqua.
They are getting Paid for it.
It may not be purely out of the goodness of their Heart.
But in YOUR Case?
It could be --
You're having Transits that encourage Others to get involved with you, to help your life. This started last year (and it was amazing to read your stories that were consistent to your Transit energies). What I read {which isn't ALL your transits, now and future} is due to continue through 2022.
There will always be incidental transits that work FOR you, throughout your time on earth.
. .

There's a saying--
"Give some people an inch,
and they'll take a mile"

Sleep Deprivation -- *red flag*
Your own PERSONAL *RED FLAG* needs to be your REST schedules. ALWAYS.
Your body and mind requires the "nutrition" of good sleep,
and balanced schedules (in the long run).

There will be times when short-sleep might be required of you to GET a job done.

Story:
In job positions I've had, I remember getting into all-night work sessions, by myself, in order to meet deadlines for the companies I worked for. Happened several times, with different companies.
These were work emergencies.
There was no way I could "delegate" the responsibilities to other workers, and it was more efficient that I would be the one to DO it. The emergencies were due to shortages and surprises that were not-my-fault.
. .
Doing work {that you don't get adequately compensated-for} is a personal decision. Not every employee is 'that' diligent to care for the company they work for.
Just remember that this should only be a last resort--
Later, there NEEDS to be some type of compensation that you did that for them--
or, the company has to analyze 'how' it happened and make appropriate changes to guard against that in the future--
if not, then you're subject to being "used" .. then feeling 'used'.

*Compensatory Time OFF*
A REALLY GOOD BOSS will insist on your taking {paid} time-off, to rest yourself. This is a sign of Respect.

You should ALSO expect Bonuses, Pay Raises, Special Recognition-- which reflects the 'level' of responsibility you took on for the success of your company.

I know, I know.. you feel Grateful?
AND,
You need to guard your own energy-levels.

At beginner levels, if they are giving you INCREASED Duties, you need to be Compensated for it.
If all they do is throw money at you, and you are SHORTING your SLEEP--*red flag*--

Do not be afraid to SAY NO.

Laying down boundaries may have the effect of INCREASING their admiration of you.

Saying NO, is a sign of a "competent Woman" in the Business World. She knows how to 'take care of herself'-- another PLUS for the company she works for.

REAL Business people {that you'd want to grow with} WILL understand that-- and compensate! .. Otherwise, if you continue to indulge them, then you are guilty of abusing yourself. Wouldn't end well to deplete self. You are a HUMAN. You have body-mind limits.

It is ADULT for you to have Good Boundaries.
Flexible, sure. FAIR, yes and preferable.

We both know that you used to have a tendency towards that 'old trap'. *don't go there*

What's super-cool about you is your genuine GREAT Work Ethics. Anyone would be smart to hire someone like you.

BUT.

You are a MORTAL human being.
Burning the candle at BOTH ends,
may not always work to your benefit.

Another thing too--
You're going to have the opportunity to make a lot of wealth for yourself. You ALSO have a very tender and GENEROUS side to your nature. That is so rare!

In your Childhood, I still remember the story you told about your Special Artist abilities, and that you made a LOT of money by your Art-- but members of your family did the wrong thing by you.
{Did you know that your Chart showed this?
And the short readings I've seen about your Chart say that it was a ONE-Time thing that was kind of 'scheduled' for you to experience. But it's DONE. Your job is to understand what happened, and to not let that turn into a limitation for your future. Your chart shows how TALENTED you are!! And you have proved it already!! Be PROUD of YOU. You can go FAR in this Lifetime. I thank God for your Life.)

As a person, I want you to GUARD your Wealth, your financials. I want you to be careful because you ARE so generous.

Had I met you TEN years later in your life, and you had an OVER-Abundance of Wealth after working successfully many years, I would have gratefully and humbly accepted your offer. However, you are JUST getting started in your life...

Last February I was curious about ".me" accounts with PayPal. I had added funds to some astrologer-accounts who used it. But whatever I did?, I can't "find" it. Can't find the .me account in my LL username. One of these days, I'll have to contact the company to find out how I screwed up.
~~ I need a Geek! LOL

But I remember this 'generosity' you displayed from some of your earliest posts. I was indeed 'touched' by this. It gave me a "protective" feeling over you.

I 'see' your potentials. I know overachievers.
I am familiar with some of what you went through in your adolescence.
AND, you need to respect your self.
Be proud that you 'graduated' from all that pain.
You are now a Highly Educated, Intelligent Woman,
and you have a Kind Heart!

The trauma you had in your youth, planted some self-sabotage patterns that you MUST with gentle discipline, reframe and sublimate. YOU are an Overcomer.
You have a Great Future Ahead of You!

All this 'short-sleeping' yourself is a set-up, Aqua.
I'm going to be your Caring Friend, and call out on your *red flags* in that.

When needing to overcome some bad habits from the past,
the first important thing to do is *to notice*.
Realize where your *triggers* are, and how that can start steering your mind into places that don't serve you.

APPLY Self Care
Apply the brakes when you realize it,
and *STOP* --
You don't OWE anyone ANYTHING
but to *hold space* in Love and Peace,
and to RECEIVE the Good that people do towards you.

It is 'scheduled' by the Universe that you RECEIVE Good People, with Good Hearts, who will be GIVING into your Life. You are very loveable. You are Deserving 'just because' of YOU. You were Made to have Great Friends, and people who look out for your interests. It's REAL.

*smile* Perhaps this is GOOD KARMA that seeks you out after a stumbling start to your Life.

You learned a bad habit, Aqua.
You self-punish, because in that traumatic beginning of your younger life, instead of letting the blame BE on those Adult-others, you absorbed everything as being 'your' fault.
NO.
That was 'your' way of trying to 'find' some kind of Control over the unfair situation and drama you faced.
YOU are at your core, a Good Person.

Astrologically, (like I said before), your Chart SAID that something would happen EARLIER in your life--
Everyone with that placement went through similar hardness of life, in their own way.
AGAIN, the delineations say that it was ONLY a one-time thing.. {hallelujah!! for real}. You will never experience that particular transit again. It's done.

The sense of things being your "fault"?
Is a misreading within you.
It's part of your natural humility.

When you begin to stop a bad habit,
it doesn't "feel" right at first?
Like someone getting braces to correct crooked teeth, it takes some 'consistency' of applying the braces, to bring ALL into Proper Alignment.

DESERVE
You sooo deserve THE BEST..
Breathe that IN.
Cry it out, if you need to.
That's the grief your smaller-self, your past-self felt when it HAD no control over the situation...
That's 'done' now.
It was NOT your fault; and you deserve CARE and LOVE, and for people to feel soooo Proud of you.

I hope you are seeing a counselor--
NOT necessarily for heavy counseling, but for someone to monitor self-talk and give you suggestions on correction for those.

Your Thoughts are like Rudders for your Mind.
Everyone gets negative thoughts from time to time. {Heck! that's even warned about in Chart Transits. Yep!}
Let them pass by, like water under the proverbial Bridge.

Just because you think a thing, doesn't make it true about you.

Nourish and observe those Thoughts, those Thinking Patterns.

Be a thought-NINJA!!
You couldn't 'control' what happened TO you in the PAST.
You do have 'control' now, by REDIRECTING what thoughts do NOT Serve you anymore.

Hope this post made sense! LOL
Kids next-wall are booming something..
oh well.

BIG Hugs,
Happy Valentine's Day
and MUCH Love.

posted February 16, 2021 05:54 PM            

Thank you again for what you said.
YOU are not required to 'do' anything for me.
You are a younger person who lives half-a-world away! I'm just glad that we were able to write to each other.

Always use your OWN intuition about the things I say. Some advices may not be appropriate to your generation and cultural norms. I appreciate that you've thought about the things I've said, and were able to discern the good in it.

Don't worry about pleasing me, or not-pleasing.
It pleases me that you have considered the things I've said, and found importance in it.
Ultimately, YOU know Best.
(And I have appreciated your feedback.)

If you go to Astrodienst,
and read your Short Report of Transits,
you'll read the opportunities that Pluto conjunct Venus is bringing you (long transit).

You have a job now. You're a Working Girl!
Just want to mention that getting involved in intense love relationships can give you energy, and well as add to stressors in your life. Just for you to be 'aware' of that, could help you manage some of that stress.

MAKE time for your self.
Self Care.
Will help "juggle" your emotions,
and give you grounding.

I was thinking of this metaphor --

At least in the 'olden days' LOL,
you could be in a car, stopped and waiting at a red light, in an intersection. You could 'hear' the stress of the idling engine if you had your brakes on. You could put your gears in Neutral, and with parking brake on, could put one foot on the gas pedal and make that engine ROAR without moving the wheels.

Your personal energy-management is 'like' having an idling engine, wheels stopped and waiting on the Green {Go} light to occur.

You have control on how 'high' the level of revving you have.

Your "wanting to" please, your "desire" to do the utmost BEST, be 'deserving', is like having your foot on the gas pedal, and revving the engine higher, while wheels don't turn.

There is an ability for you to 'slow down' your personal sense of inner-revving-- to lift the amount of 'pressing' that foot's connection on the gas 'go' pedal, during Time to Wait and Rest.

At your work, simply doing the job -- without the driven-harshness of "TRYING" to do your job, without the self-applied pressure of "trying" to please your bosses-- can help lower the amount of inner revving, the stress?

It's okay not to TRY to work soooo hard.
You're a good natural worker.
Learn to pace yourself.
Nice easy steady level on that gas pedal.

Much much LOVE to you!

Again! I apologize for clumsy-writings.
Next-wall neighbors finally stopped, yay,
but that's not the only thing going on.

posted March 07, 2021 12:05 PM            

No updates on the front with my father, but I recently made a new friend on LL and we have been texting everyday.
She seems to think I'm a workaholic (LOL).
I'm counting down the days to 4 more months till I can delight you with a new wonderful piece of news in regards to my career progression. I hope to be able to help you then.
(Financially I should be in a much better place, 3x better than now)