posted August 31, 2015 09:23 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Gabby:
@CosmiqPhuz- Your roast is great!! Love it!

---

Haha thanks!

quote:

---

Originally posted by Gabby:
The pisces...lol...that was so bad! 😱 so wrong! Love it!

---

Yea, that's one of my favorites

posted August 31, 2015 10:02 PM            

I'll just share actual snippets of memories, and some thoughts:

ARIES: Invited an Aries to one of the most famous gardens in the world and she plunked herself down, looked around for a second, and moaned, "I'm bored!"

TAURUS: Hadn't heard from my Taurus friend in years but half the letter she sent was about her favorite kinds of pizza.

GEMINI: Not sure, I just remember Nigella Lawson's Gemini husband strangling her in public and calling it love.

CANCER: My sister is triple Cancer and she has been stalking the same guy for 30 years.

LEO: Edit ~ thought of something. Sean Penn. Every Sean Penn memory.

VIRGO: Flashback to my Virgo ex in his kitchen raving about diet cookies and how they were a miraculous 30 calories each. He was going over all the ingredients and nurtitional facts with me. Just seemed too excited.

LIBRA: My college acquaintance used to laugh at my little quirks as if she was superior to me, while my Pisces moon held my Capricorn sun's hands behind my back so I didn't hit her.

SCORPIO: My dental hygienist sneering at her boss and looking like she was casting an evil spell on him right in front of me. It was cool though...I like her a lot.

SAG: A Sag once obliterated my feelings with a "joke" and then seemed offended that I took a few minutes to regain my composure.

CAPRICORN: We look soooo bad when we're giving a haughty little lecture and it turns out we're dead wrong. TOTAL fail.

AQUARIUS: My Aqua brother used to wear these outrageous outfits to go clubbing in, in the 80's. Red satin tie with rhinestones. I think he had a perm.

posted August 31, 2015 10:08 PM            

I live for threads like this.

posted August 31, 2015 10:32 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Faith:
Anything good enough to be deleted has got to be good!!

C'mon the moon is in Aries. Carpe diem.

---

Totally agree!!

posted August 31, 2015 10:33 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Belage:
LOL at some of the roasts.

I live for threads like this.

I wrote a roast piece but ended up deleting it. I might revive it, lol.

---

posted August 31, 2015 10:42 PM              

Taurus: Would all be overweight if food didnt cost precious money.

Gemini: To others, you dont look or seem as young as you feel.

Cancer: No, not even your own mother cares about your drama as much as you believe.

Leo: You are just another one of the bajillions of people in the world. Not special.

Virgo: You missed a spot.

Libra: No, youre not that attractive.

Scorpio: Everything you try to clutch wilts.

Sag: Youre not always right, you are not the law.

Cap: Do you poop diamonds?

Aqua: Youre lonely because you are socially inept, not because youre more unique than everyone.

posted August 31, 2015 10:53 PM            

ARIES: You fancy yourself a leader but the only people following you are sheep. Why don't you make like a sheperd and get the flock outta here!

TAURUS: You fancy yourself a collector of antiques and a connoisseur of fine things, but the only thing you've been collecting, you stubborn rightwingist, are the cobwebbs in your brain and fake designer bags. Go give someone a deep throat!

GEMINI: Who told you your Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde routine is attractive to people? Another two faced Gemini? Just hearing you shoot the breeze gives people Tuberculosis.

CANCER: For the love of all things yummy please stop overfeeding us while pretending to nurture us. I know you want us to get fat, so we can all be fat with you. You make my breasts hurt.

LEO: Oh, you're the King of the Zodiac? How cute. You remind me of Louis XVI. Why don't you have a seat right there, I'll be back... with a guillotine. I already found a buyer for your hair.

VIRGO: No need to look so smug sitting at your tidy desk. Beneath your prissy exterior, we all know you're hiding a dirty perverted debauched mind. Why don't you go clean THAT up for a change?

LIBRA: Beauty is NOT everything. You're getting old, wrinkly and gray. Deal!

SCORPIO: I know you think your prancing dark intense stalking demeanor is the sexiest thing around, but word on the streets is, the rabbit is still better than you!

SAGG: You're loud and vulgar, and your butt is too fat.

CAPRICORN: Well, now that you've managed the merger of those financial institutions, You are rich enough that you can continue to buy sex (the only way you can get it) till the end of time.

AQUARIUS: Yes you're so open minded about everything and we are all bigots next to you. Why don't you make like a titty and bounce?

posted August 31, 2015 11:11 PM            

I can't stop laughing at some of the roasts.

posted August 31, 2015 11:14 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Belage:
This thread is soooooooo wrong!

I can't stop laughing at some of the roasts.

"Virgo: you missed a spot." LMAO!!!!

---

Sagg..your butt is to fat?? Lol

So far pisces, virgo, taurus and cap are the signs that's give the best material...everyones roasts are totally cracking me up!!

posted August 31, 2015 11:53 PM            

*A middle-aged Aquarius after hours and hours of arguing with his internet friends* - "You guys are all such idiots and are so wrong! I am right! I'm always right!.....MOM! I NEED MORE PIZZA BAGELS!!!"

*A Libra's wife responds to some dinner guests complimenting on her husband's charm* - "Well, of course he has to be charming! How else is he gonna compensate for his small d*ck?"

*A husband kills himself after enduring his Cancer wife's nagging on a 12-hour road trip* - (his wife's response to the detective): "He was always so negative! Every time I try to make conversation, he'd just tell me to stop! He never wanted to talk. I was just reminding him of the time he insulted my mother 30 years ago!.....etc." *2 hours into the conversation, the detective kills himself*

*Scorpio goes over a list of things to do on his day off* - "Hmm let's see, fix the sink, walk the dog, cut the grass, finally get to that novel I've been meaning to read..." *In reality, Scorpio ends up spending 12 hours watching porn and j*cking off*

posted September 01, 2015 12:32 AM            

Aries: loud mouth egotists, but fun to trip (especially if they're on crutches). Unless after a cheap slapstick laugh then avoid at all cost.

Taurus: Stubborn to a fault, will steal your food if you leave it unattended and sniff your underclothes if they think they can get away with it. Good to unleash in china shops for a laugh and to send to people you don't like who haven't learned to guard their food and underwear but otherwise avoid at all cost.

Gemini: Meaningless jibber jabber who talk so much meaningless **** that it's like their faces are farting (the more annoying ones will snap their fingers at you at the same time) and will narrate the hell out of life with offhand judgments ("I think I see 3 flies, you obviously need a screen door...***** "). Unless you're looking for a trashy talk show host then avoid at all cost.

Cancer: Sucks thumb. Will hide from the cruel world behind you if you allow it but then give you the silent treatment. Tend to catch crabs so be careful sleeping with them. Unless you need a good cook then avoid at all cost.

Leo: Arrogant ***** . I'd say more but that would be giving them more attention than they deserve. But the look on their faces when they get a pie or tomato in the face is worth it (slingshots and guns can be fun to use on them, too). Unless needing human target practice then avoid at all cost.

Virgo: repressed, self-righteous twits who even clean their own soap. Unless you're looking for a nanny to torment your kids with then avoid at all cost.

Libra: Those aren't scales, those are the faces they switch between. Not sure if the women really do tend strongly to bisexuality and men to outright homosexuality or if they simply figured they can use their mouths for something other than words to get their way. Unless you're looking for a ***** skilled with his/her mouth then avoid at all cost.

Scorpio: Gods, their incessant whining never ceases, even the Crabs and Fishes are made of sterner stuff. Of course their fragility makes them overcompensate so they try to come off as tougher and meaner than they are. They can be fun to torment for this reason, but secretly of course to maximize their innate paranoia. Unless looking to sadistically torment someone who richly deserves it even more than the other signs then avoid at all cost.

Sagittarius: These people think they're funny when they're not. And travel? More like running from responsibility which they will never accept. Keep them away from horses, otherwise they can make even the perverted Libra and Scorpio blush. They make good scapegoats, however, everyone instinctively blames them for everything, and more often than not they deserve it. Unless looking for a scapegoat for your own **** up, however, then avoid at all cost.

Capricorn: these greedy perverts can be fun because they expected you to exploit and abuse them in the first place and will overlook what a complete mess you are if you've got enough money and influence, but better do onto them before they do onto you. These people suck on stage, especially in magic acts (with the notable exception of putting them in a box with all the money from the ticket sales in which case the Cappie and the money will never be seen again, and nobody has yet figured out how they do it). If these people have less status then you then using and abusing them is fine but otherwise avoid at all cost.

Aquarius: They say they want a better world but what they mean is a better world for them at your expense. They also tend to not be swayed by emotional manipulation which is really annoying. Unless your computer freezes up and your clicking your mouse a hundred times doesn't seem to do the trick (unlike you they're not a complete moron when it comes to technology and might just be able to help you out here assuming you can resist strangling them before they fix the problem) then avoid at all cost.

posted September 01, 2015 03:46 AM            

Taurus stopp eating you two faced mean person!

Gemini get some bi polar medication for your split personalities

Cancer your not going to find your mother in the girls you date u clingy weird ******* seek therapy for your mommy issues

Leo your mane has split ends, your not a god your stupid and arrogant and no one can stand bein g around you.

Virgo yeah I'm a throw some rice in the air and laugh hysterically as you try to pick it all up from the ground lol

Libra,your ugly and need to stop tying to find the best looking spouse because your not even good looking your just an uptight snob.

Scorpio stop trying to be scarey huh it's laughable

Sag, stop being a Don Juan, your not that special of a lover I mean not all your conquests are sad that you never called back and your kind of bad in bed.

Cap, your a money grubbing freak that is going to die alone because you care about status and not ppl

Aqua you in emotional jerk. It's weird and psychology serial killers how you have no emotions

posted September 01, 2015 07:07 AM            

I've only skimmed through the Taurus and Virgo ones (my Sun and Moon)

as funny as some of it is, can someone please come up with some jokes that don't involve us stuffing our faces with hotdogs, burritos & pizza all day? BTW Virgos aren't all lint and crumb picking neurotics ready to put a band-aide on every paper cut we come across.

k. love you guys & this thread, but can we come up with some new material for Taureans besides being ravenous pigs ,talented deep-throaters wanting to balance your checkbook?

Btw, someone said "cheap" ... um no.

posted September 01, 2015 07:08 AM            

btw right now Libras are not my favorite people...

posted September 01, 2015 07:10 AM            

Taurus - For the other earth signs 'living the dream' involves the acquisition of a house, car, maybe some goldfish... But the Taurean dream is more specific. It has a name. It's called: "Becoming Kim Kardashian"...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
And, worryingly...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
That's the men I'm talking about!

Gemini -
You're a damn loveable ******* . In fact I can't even roast you because you are so flipping lovable. I'm sure being a multi-faced chameleon whose opinions change faster than a Cancerian switches moods, helps with that!

Cancer - Guess what?!! There's a bucket of pure slime on sale! Go grab it while you still can! Capricorn is already lining up.
I heard they are also giving out 5 cent toothpicks for free. True bargain!

Leo - The Universe has a centre. And that centre is the Sun. I'm extra sorry to break this to you my darling, but: You.are.NOT.the.Sun.
In fact the Sun -rules- over you. Which technically makes you the Sun's b*tch
Logically, this entails ... The Sun > Leo > Aries > everything and everyone else in existence

Virgo -
You poor thing. Everyone always picks on you. You're almost too easy to roast.. So I'll just tell you the truth:
You are utterly imperfect in at least 9.5 different ways all of which you are completely unaware of, and that I will never tell you about........ unless you pay me. A lot.

Libra - Your greatest historical accomplishment is that Kim Kardashian is one of you, and Taurus wants to become you.
When they finally discover Taurus' planet, you'll have nothing left to show for yourself!

Scorpio - In the words of Chico from the Cocoanuts:
"I'd do anything for money. I'd kill *you* for money.
[Pause]
Ha ha ha. Ah, no. You're my friend. I'd kill you for nothing."
^ And so you would Scorpio... So you would... tsk tsk *shakes head*
http://m.imdb.com/title/tt0019777/quotes

Sagittarius - We all know how you love to travel......
You travel daily, all the way from your parents/friends/exes' (or whoever pays your bills) couch to the corner bar and back again!

Aquarius - Ur-anus rules you. Let me repeat that... You-are-r.u.l.e.d.-by-Uranus!!
And, although you're not particularly anal and not quite at the rearend of the zodiac, you can still be a complete and utter A-hole.
Just ask anyone who's ever dated you!

posted September 01, 2015 07:17 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by T:
I'll try to come up with some later.

btw right now Libras are not my favorite people...

Maybe I should hold off until i get that in check.

---

posted September 01, 2015 07:24 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Odette:
Oh wow... You posted this 2 minutes before my post.
What were the odds? O_O Lol...
Sorry about my Taurus-Libra jabs. I am completely, 100% messing around!

---

Odette, I know! No need for apologies! Your last post was very funny too. All of them in this thread are actually. I'm highly amused over here.