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Author
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Topic: Let's "Roast the Signs"...*warning* if you can dish it, you must be able to take it!!
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Faith
Knowflake Posts: 19527
From: Bella's Hair Salon
Registered: Jul 2011
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posted September 04, 2015 11:13 PM
  
 Thanks so much hypatia! I'm glad you liked that. And sorry Capricorns!  Pluto is still conjunct my sun, that explains why I just feel kinda merciless towards myself lately, wanting to get rid of all the useless armor I built up, back when I felt I needed it. It's a process... IP: Logged |
hypatia238
Moderator Posts: 4875
From: Colorado
Registered: Sep 2014
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posted September 04, 2015 11:28 PM
quote:
Originally posted by Faith:
Thanks so much hypatia! I'm glad you liked that. And sorry Capricorns! Pluto is still conjunct my sun, that explains why I just feel kinda merciless towards myself lately, wanting to get rid of all the useless armor I built up, back when I felt I needed it. It's a process...
What a powerful transit no wonder I got goose bumps! IMO caps are hard to roast. I have read some of the roasts about the supposedly ruthlessness of this sign and although I admire the creative writing behind it to me is like they are speaking a foreign language bc I don't see caps like that AT ALL. I think when they make it to the top they worked hard for it, they earn it fair and square, they don't step over people. Both of my parents are caps and my mom is the type to feel bad about killing ants and my dad is a walking angel and so is my cap brother who is super kind <3. I just wish they would spend more on themselves and eat more sugar and unhealthy food but they want to live a long life so sacrifices must be made  , I think that is how they look at it but they are so disciplined about it, like even on holidays and birthdays they kind of tend to overall follow their diet. IP: Logged |
PixieJane
Moderator Posts: 8391
From: CA
Registered: Oct 2010
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posted September 04, 2015 11:47 PM
I don't really take any of these roasts seriously. They're hyperbole at most. (I'm especially loving the vignettes by CosmiqPhuz, they're so wrong yet so fun, I get the same feeling when I was laughing at the very wrong Road to the North Pole of Family Guy, which you can see the last part here, definitely some sick gallows humor.) I read a site that described Mars in Cappie as a psycho who would go to any lengths and break any rule to get laid (come to think of it she could've summed it up in one paragraph and it could've been put on this thread!) but the Cappie Mars I know wasn't like that. While not a prude in any sense he showed a lot more restraint than many other guys and had some strict ethics he lived by. 'Course he's more than his Mars, but that astrologer would've never pegged his Mars being Capricorn. IP: Logged |
Geeky
Knowflake Posts: 1726
From: the Sun, vacation house on Mercury
Registered: Dec 2012
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posted September 05, 2015 12:20 AM
quote:
Originally posted by wheresthemoon:
Virgo - you anal, obsessive motherf*****. There is not one single person who cares about vacuum lines as much as you do. Pisces - step 1) perceive wrongdoing. Step 2) complain loudly and to whomever will listen that you have been victimized. 3) enjoy perceived victimhood. 4) repeat.
LOL! I like my vacuum lines!! And Pisces... Best. Description. EVER.  ------------------
“Most people would rather be sheep than stand on their own with antlers on.” IP: Logged |
Faith
Knowflake Posts: 19527
From: Bella's Hair Salon
Registered: Jul 2011
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posted September 05, 2015 09:41 AM
hypatia,I'm glad you have so many Caps in your family, and get along so well with all of them!  It's true, I think we are usually nice people who make loyal friends and family members...nothing very shocking. But we do tend to think in the long term, and ignore our own emotions when they're begging us to do or say something spontaneous, which can prevent us from living fully in the present...more drastically than some other signs, I think. IP: Logged |
12muddy
Knowflake Posts: 2950
From:
Registered: Feb 2013
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posted September 05, 2015 10:08 AM
^ It's true for me as well. Or used to be. I often tried to get the tedious and hard work done first, thinking that I'd save the enjoyments for later. And meh, the younger years didn't allow much space for any of that good stuff anyway. It wasn't until I got my first encounter with death and regrets. Those really burst me out of my old mentality. Drove me to reckless abandon. I went almost to the extreme opposite end. Always the question "What if it all ends tomorrow?". Don't want my last moment to be full of regrets you see. Needless to say, it hasn't been easy to find a balance. IP: Logged |
Gabby
Moderator Posts: 8899
From:
Registered: Sep 2012
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posted September 05, 2015 10:17 AM
quote:
Originally posted by PixieJane:
[b]Aries: loud mouth egotists, but fun to trip (especially if they're on crutches). Unless after a cheap slapstick laugh then avoid at all cost. Taurus: Stubborn to a fault, will steal your food if you leave it unattended and sniff your underclothes if they think they can get away with it. Good to unleash in china shops for a laugh and to send to people you don't like who haven't learned to guard their food and underwear but otherwise avoid at all cost. Gemini: Meaningless jibber jabber who talk so much meaningless **** that it's like their faces are farting (the more annoying ones will snap their fingers at you at the same time) and will narrate the hell out of life with offhand judgments ("I think I see 3 flies, you obviously need a screen door...***** "). Unless you're looking for a trashy talk show host then avoid at all cost. Cancer: Sucks thumb. Will hide from the cruel world behind you if you allow it but then give you the silent treatment. Tend to catch crabs so be careful sleeping with them. Unless you need a good cook then avoid at all cost. Leo: Arrogant ***** . I'd say more but that would be giving them more attention than they deserve. But the look on their faces when they get a pie or tomato in the face is worth it (slingshots and guns can be fun to use on them, too). Unless needing human target practice then avoid at all cost. Virgo: repressed, self-righteous twits who even clean their own soap. Unless you're looking for a nanny to torment your kids with then avoid at all cost. Libra: Those aren't scales, those are the faces they switch between. Not sure if the women really do tend strongly to bisexuality and men to outright homosexuality or if they simply figured they can use their mouths for something other than words to get their way. Unless you're looking for a ***** skilled with his/her mouth then avoid at all cost. Scorpio: Gods, their incessant whining never ceases, even the Crabs and Fishes are made of sterner stuff. Of course their fragility makes them overcompensate so they try to come off as tougher and meaner than they are. They can be fun to torment for this reason, but secretly of course to maximize their innate paranoia. Unless looking to sadistically torment someone who richly deserves it even more than the other signs then avoid at all cost. Sagittarius: These people think they're funny when they're not. And travel? More like running from responsibility which they will never accept. Keep them away from horses, otherwise they can make even the perverted Libra and Scorpio blush. They make good scapegoats, however, everyone instinctively blames them for everything, and more often than not they deserve it. Unless looking for a scapegoat for your own **** up, however, then avoid at all cost. Capricorn: these greedy perverts can be fun because they expected you to exploit and abuse them in the first place and will overlook what a complete mess you are if you've got enough money and influence, but better do onto them before they do onto you. These people suck on stage, especially in magic acts (with the notable exception of putting them in a box with all the money from the ticket sales in which case the Cappie and the money will never be seen again, and nobody has yet figured out how they do it). If these people have less status then you then using and abusing them is fine but otherwise avoid at all cost. Aquarius: They say they want a better world but what they mean is a better world for them at your expense. They also tend to not be swayed by emotional manipulation which is really annoying. Unless your computer freezes up and your clicking your mouse a hundred times doesn't seem to do the trick (unlike you they're not a complete moron when it comes to technology and might just be able to help you out here assuming you can resist strangling them before they fix the problem) then avoid at all cost. Pisces: These people put pyramids over their heads to make them smarter which goes to show just how hopeless they all are. And the only way to win their love is not to love them, but should you love them then they'll dump you for someone who will treat them bad because they're not happy unless they're crying in misery (almost as bad as the Scorpio, though not quite). Unless you just want to vent some aggression by drowning someone who richly deserves it then avoid at all cost. [/B]
So I quoted all because I was laughing at them all!!
Aquarius:They also tend to not be swayed by emotional manipulation which is really annoying.
I agree and have thought this exact thought before, yes, it is soooo annoying!! Lol
AND......I clean my soap! (Virgo Moon) ROFL
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Gabby
Moderator Posts: 8899
From:
Registered: Sep 2012
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posted September 05, 2015 10:23 AM
quote:
Originally posted by LexusVirgo:
Aries stop whining it's not all about you..Taurus stopp eating you two faced mean person! Gemini get some bi polar medication for your split personalities Cancer your not going to find your mother in the girls you date u clingy weird ******* seek therapy for your mommy issues Leo your mane has split ends, your not a god your stupid and arrogant and no one can stand bein g around you. Virgo yeah I'm a throw some rice in the air and laugh hysterically as you try to pick it all up from the ground lol Libra,your ugly and need to stop tying to find the best looking spouse because your not even good looking your just an uptight snob. Scorpio stop trying to be scarey huh it's laughable Sag, stop being a Don Juan, your not that special of a lover I mean not all your conquests are sad that you never called back and your kind of bad in bed. Cap, your a money grubbing freak that is going to die alone because you care about status and not ppl Aqua you in emotional jerk. It's weird and psychology serial killers how you have no emotions Pisces you lying slithering snake get off the booze and get a job. Stop having your two girlfriends support you because when they find out about eachother it will only end bad not in a threesome type of way
These are awesome!
Every pisces(sun) I've known likes there woman to support them! My daughter is aqua and she has the ability to turn her emotions off and on like no one I've ever seen!
So at times she doesn't seem to have any emotions!! Ugh
Scorpio, when you see them from an astrology side and watch them in action knowing what's fueling them, omg is to funny...your right totally laughable! IP: Logged |
Gabby
Moderator Posts: 8899
From:
Registered: Sep 2012
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posted September 05, 2015 10:28 AM
quote:
Originally posted by fireopal09:
Capricorn: Slave drivers. Most likely to own a sweatshop. If one is a work colleague, you're going to have a big dry cleaning bill to remove the hoof prints out of the back of shirts as they make climb the mountain of success. Aquarius: Two words: conspiracy theorists. Pisces: Oh dear, Poster child for victim hood. Accountability is a foreign concept. Singlehandedly support the rehab industry and put many o' shrinks's progeny through medical school. Drug dealers love Pisces.
I love cap owning a sweat shop! How appropriate! Lol
And Pisces....rofl, poor little pisces!
IP: Logged |
Gabby
Moderator Posts: 8899
From:
Registered: Sep 2012
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posted September 05, 2015 10:43 AM
quote:
Originally posted by Faith:
 Wow...hope your daughter is okay, and the drive isn't too bad!
Thank you for your help! Yes my daughters good, just a little whiny...aqua with a whiny libra moon. Lol
I like driving, I make my son listen to Gregg Braden books on CD with me! Lol IP: Logged |
Odette
Moderator Posts: 6755
From:
Registered: May 2012
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posted September 05, 2015 12:45 PM
When life gives you lemons....
Aries - ... Get really mad.. and make life regret the day it thought it could dish out lemons!
Taurus - ... Use the seeds to plant an entire orchard and create a new lemonade brand, starting a whole new franchise. Gemini -... Pray they are Lulu lemons  Cancer - ... Make lemon cup cakes with extra icing on top. Leo - ... Make lemonade. Then find someone whose life has given them vodka, and have a party! Virgo - ... Keep them! Because Hey! Free lemons Libra - ... Put them in your bra. It won't solve your problems, but the extra attention is nice. Scorpio - ... Cut them in half and squirt Life in the eye. Sagittarius - ... Grab some Tequilla and Salt! Capricorn -... Demand to see life's manager! You never asked for lemons. You clearly said apples. Aquarius - ... Make grape juice... and then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it. Pisces - ... Just be glad it wasn't herpes!  IP: Logged |
Gabby
Moderator Posts: 8899
From:
Registered: Sep 2012
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posted September 05, 2015 12:55 PM
quote:
Originally posted by Odette:
[b]When life gives you lemons....
Aries - ... Get really mad.. and make life regret the day it thought it could dish out lemons!
Taurus - ... Use the seeds to plant an entire orchard and create a new lemonade brand, starting a whole new franchise. Gemini -... Pray they are Lulu lemons Cancer - ... Make lemon cup cakes with extra icing on top. Leo - ... Make lemonade. Then find someone whose life has given them vodka, and have a party! Virgo - ... Keep them! Because Hey! Free lemons Libra - ... Put them in your bra. It won't solve your problems, but the extra attention is nice. Scorpio - ... Cut them in half and squirt Life in the eye. Sagittarius - ... Grab some Tequilla and Salt! Capricorn -... Demand to see life's manager! You never asked for lemons. You clearly said apples. Aquarius - ... Make grape juice... and then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it. Pisces - ... Just be glad it wasn't herpes! [/B]
Omg this is so hilarious!! I love it!!
As a virgo Moon all I could think about was lemons are great for killing bacteria. Lol I use lemons to clean my hands in a pinch. IP: Logged |
next to neptune
Knowflake Posts: 2904
From: The Moon
Registered: Aug 2013
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posted September 05, 2015 02:15 PM
quote:
Originally posted by Gabby:
NexttoNeptune- you got to the bottom of all the signs, so direct and cut through to the core instantly, wow, good job! Your roast is awesome!
Haha...thanks? I'm a virgo, so this is like my speciality  To be an evil critical b*** lol IP: Logged |
Soltze
Knowflake Posts: 1179
From:
Registered: Mar 2015
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posted September 05, 2015 06:58 PM
Aries - you're so stubborn and rash, please keep banging your horns at the wall so I can have a laugh at it.Taurus - no I don't care about your new stilletos, if you keep taking food pictures I'll poke you in the eyes with them! Gemini - shhh...your jokes aren't funny at all. Plus you speak so fast it's like an hamster on meth. Cancer - the reason you're mom gave the satin dress to your sister 20yrs ago is because you can't freakin' stop eating. Leo - you're so egocentric you think people get out of your way so you can shine. No, they're running from you! Virgo - I loved that rainy walk in the forest...sorry for my muddy boots on your new antibacterial polymer carpet. Libra - should you put the fuschia lipstick or the dark green eyeshadow? Baby just use them at the same time, you'll look even more beautiful...for someone born at the time of the pyramids! Scorpio -
Me: "I know someone who can fix that for you"
Scorp: "I'm sureee you can fix meee, honey"
Me: "I'm not an eye doctor, but I'm sure they can make your eyeballs move normally again"
Then I hired a food and drink taster...well and five more afterwards. They don't last long around Scorp. Sagittarius: Taking a shower with the window open tells male neighbor: "You can have a rear like mine if you come to the gym. Even your girlfriend agrees!" Capricorn: Girlfriend was going to kiss him after sex but..."I know Lisa, buying 50% of that swedish company that makes whips was the best investment I made this semester" Aquarius: told her how women in a remote tribe didn't wash their armpits in protest against patriarcal oppression. - caused Virgo colleague to put 20 air fresheners on top of her brand new computer. Pisces: forgot to submit her essay, because she caught her Gemini boyfriend teaching her Aquarius bestfriend how to use that new vibrator that works on solar power. So she was crying so hard I shared my last lines of coke with her. We saw hotdogs with wings dancing on the balcony. This is nasty. Just tell me if I should delete LOL IP: Logged |
florence
Knowflake Posts: 1233
From:
Registered: Jun 2012
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posted September 05, 2015 07:04 PM
I want to have a go so much but a) I'm not funny b) (related to a) I think it will come out a bit too obviously my true thoughts / bitchyEnjoyed reading them so much. You should all compend a funny astro book IP: Logged |
HadesFish
unregistered
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posted September 05, 2015 09:47 PM
quote:
Originally posted by Faith:
How'd you know about all this?
Lol, girl! ------------------
All that glitters is not
Gold. IP: Logged |
HadesFish
unregistered
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posted September 05, 2015 09:52 PM
quote:
Originally posted by Gabby:
[QUOTE]Originally posted by LexusVirgo:
[b]
These are awesome!
Every pisces(sun) I've known likes there woman to support them! Double like because I liked Faith's also.
But, I have to say they make great friends ; aka : bring your own
protection. <-- t'was a roast.
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All that glitters is not
Gold. IP: Logged |
T
Knowflake Posts: 11928
From:
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted September 05, 2015 10:00 PM
Wow! I'm so happy this thread is still going and getting funnier by the post.I hadn't checked into LL since the last time I posted back on page three and was surprised to find there were so many more pages. Nice to see everyone is having fun and a fight hasnt broken out. That said, this is one of my fave threads ever. I didnt realize we had so many comedians here. I've been reading through the pages and chuckling along as i go. Good stuff.  Keep em coming! *now back to my burrito. IP: Logged |
T
Knowflake Posts: 11928
From:
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted September 05, 2015 10:04 PM
quote:
Originally posted by florence:
Enjoyed reading them so much. You should all compend a funny astro book
It reminds me of a book i had a long time ago called: How to Spot a ******* by his Star Sign. I gave it to a friend, but it's very funny. There needs to be more books like that one. Because as humorous as it was, there was a lot of truth to it. http://www.amazon.com/How-Spot-******* -Star-Sign/dp/0312284861
 *aw it won't link because of the swear word, but you can google and read more about it. quote:
The Ultimate HorrorscopeJoin the women around the world whose love lives have been transformed by the astro-guide that pulls no punches when it comes to the dark side of men and their star signs. Use it to... -Deride, ridicule, and annoy the hell out of men - Speed up the dating process by using star sign elimination - Avoid dating complete scum - Keep current boyfriends/husbands in their places - Keep conversation going at dinner parties - And much, much more! Discover who you are destined not to date...
A match made in heaven or the relationship from hell? Find out which zodiac couplings are the least likely to result in derision, depression, divorce, or death! - Are you good enough for a LEO? - Can you put up with PISCES? - Will you get along with GEMINI? - Do you have the skills necessary to cope with VIRGO? Put yourself to the test with our 12 compatibility quizzes - each one carefully designed to ensure you know exactly which ******** to avoid in the future. Now men will cringe when you ask them what their star signs are
From Publishers Weekly
Repeating their British-style title epithet so often that it loses any pejorative value, the authors ("both fire signs") offer firmly tongue-in-cheek characterizations of men, organized by sign, for the date-weary hetero woman. Witness "The Libra ******* ": "The poor, confused ******* . It's not his fault. Life in the modern world is getting more and more complex and there are so many decisions to make. He now has to decide between gel and mousse to style his hair every morning. The stress is unbelieveable."
!
LOL
****Great gift to give a girlfriend at anytime, but especially after a bad break-up. Sure to bring at least a smile to her face, especially if she has any basic knowledge of Sun sign astrology beforehand.
That book, some quality tea and a pretty mug makes for a good gift. IP: Logged |
HadesFish
unregistered
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posted September 05, 2015 10:12 PM
quote:
Originally posted by HadesFish:
[QUOTE]Originally posted by Gabby:
[b] [QUOTE]Originally posted by LexusVirgo:
[b]
DP.
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All that glitters is not
Gold.IP: Logged |
hypatia238
Moderator Posts: 4875
From: Colorado
Registered: Sep 2014
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posted September 05, 2015 10:21 PM
quote:
Originally posted by Odette:
[b]When life gives you lemons....
Aries - ... Get really mad.. and make life regret the day it thought it could dish out lemons!
Taurus - ... Use the seeds to plant an entire orchard and create a new lemonade brand, starting a whole new franchise. Gemini -... Pray they are Lulu lemons Cancer - ... Make lemon cup cakes with extra icing on top. Leo - ... Make lemonade. Then find someone whose life has given them vodka, and have a party! Virgo - ... Keep them! Because Hey! Free lemons Libra - ... Put them in your bra. It won't solve your problems, but the extra attention is nice. Scorpio - ... Cut them in half and squirt Life in the eye. Sagittarius - ... Grab some Tequilla and Salt! Capricorn -... Demand to see life's manager! You never asked for lemons. You clearly said apples. Aquarius - ... Make grape juice... and then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it. Pisces - ... Just be glad it wasn't herpes! [/B]
OMG I specially loved LEO, SCORPIO and CAPRICORN LOL Specially Cap hahaha IP: Logged |
hypatia238
Moderator Posts: 4875
From: Colorado
Registered: Sep 2014
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posted September 05, 2015 10:27 PM
quote:
Originally posted by Gabby:
Omg this is so hilarious!! I love it!!
As a virgo Moon all I could think about was lemons are great for killing bacteria. Lol I use lemons to clean my hands in a pinch.
LMAO, I actually laughed out loud. They are also good for indigestion and reduces bloating, lemons belief it or not is alkaline forming once fully metabolized in the body: "It's a citrus fruit. Inside the body however, when lemon juice has been fully metabolized and its minerals are dissociated in the bloodstream, its effect is alkalizing and therefore raises the pH of body tissue (pH above 7 is alkaline)." Cancer cells are less likely to reproduce in a body that has a PH above 7. I love lemons, I like lemon bars, lemon cake, water with lemon and lemonade of course!
IP: Logged |
HadesFish
unregistered
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posted September 05, 2015 10:31 PM
quote:
Originally posted by HadesFish:
[QUOTE]Originally posted by Gabby:
[b] [QUOTE]Originally posted by LexusVirgo:
[b]
These are awesome!
This is Gabby's quote : "Every pisces(sun) I've known likes there woman to support them! "But, I have to say they make great friends ; aka : bring your own
protection. <-- t'was a roast. ... this was a db for me, apologies if it was!
[/B][/QUOTE]
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All that glitters is not
Gold. IP: Logged |
Odette
Moderator Posts: 6755
From:
Registered: May 2012
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posted September 05, 2015 11:10 PM
I'm glad you guys liked them
I googled "when life gives you lemons..." and realised all the different quotes out there are very sign-appropriate hahaIP: Logged |
Gabby
Moderator Posts: 8899
From:
Registered: Sep 2012
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posted September 06, 2015 01:08 AM
quote:
Originally posted by T:
LOL
****Great gift to give a girlfriend at anytime, but especially after a bad break-up. Sure to bring at least a smile to her face, especially if she has any basic knowledge of Sun sign astrology beforehand.
That book, some quality tea and a pretty mug makes for a good gift.
Hahaha...we are on the same page, that's the book I mentioned to...it's the first astology book I ever read and it's because i kept reading to ppl and they said omg that's exactly like my boyfriend, I started learn in more about astrology after that. Love that book, it's so funny! IP: Logged |
Lindaland
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