posted September 04, 2015 12:21 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by CosmiqPhuz:
Actually, Gabby, yours is pretty good! I don't know if I can make it much better. It's funny though, your story sounds an awful lot like my dad. He's a Capricorn (cusping Aqua), and he went and donated his sperm because he honestly thinks he's that great and that the world would benefit more from people like him - no joke! Hahahahaha. He didn't even tell my mom. So for all I know, I've got half siblings running around!

Also, in case anyone missed it, I added a new story to the saga above. I'm busting on Aries for that one. Five posts from the top.

---

posted September 04, 2015 12:35 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Gabby:
ROFL....finally we found a use for aries!! YAY I knew they were good for something.

---

Haha, that one came pretty easily to me while I was on a walk.

quote:

---

Originally posted by Gabby:
Wow!! That's so bad!!

---

Haha yea, he's nuts

posted September 04, 2015 12:43 PM            

In honor of Joan....this is part of her being roasted
http://youtu.be/m_HUoJzEuIM

posted September 04, 2015 03:14 PM            

Aries: You think you own everything you claim. That you're better than everyone else, and that the whole world is about you.

Taurus: You are so snobby and even though you are poor as f*** you still think you are so much more worth than all those filthy normal people.

Gemini: You think it's okay to just talk and talk and never s*** u* and listen to others. And when everything burns you're not there for your friends.

Cancer: You blame everyone and whine about that people don't consider your feelings. But truth is you're just too god damn sensitive for people to really start caring.

Leo: You want to be famous for just being famous. There is no real reason for it, you just HAVE to be the center of attention all the time. This is freakin annoying and actually also pretty messed up.

Virgo: You think life is just about working, duties and cleaning. You never just go out and have fun, go with the flow. And you are always worried and paranoid which makes you the most dull company.

Libra: You are so fake!!! Are you even human? Do you even GOT real feelings? Cause it seems like you just want to su** everyones a** all the time.

Scorpio: Everything is just about being sexy and mystical in your head right? Like you cannot just pass by a stranger without wondering if he finds you hot. This behavior makes people really tired of you really quick.

Sagittarius: It's like you don't give a f*** about everything and everyone. You just do whatever you want, and you know what? This attitude s*** in the long run. It's like running away from responsibility everytime and ask everyone else to clean up your a**.

Capricorn: You made capitalism and materalism seem nice, and you couldn't be more wrong! You think you're the king of the world just because you bought an ugly ring for 1000.0000 dollars, and you don't care about the poor.

Aquarius: You throw out all this preaching s*** all the time, about people being equal and that no one is more worth than the other. You actually treat people like they mean nothing for you. You use this as en excuse for just being a di**.

Pisces: Oh my god what time is it?? Well don't ask a pisces, cause they sure don't even know where they are, or who they are. They can use a whole day with just sitting there, doing nothing. And so they usually become nothing.

posted September 04, 2015 04:51 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Gabby:
Ok, here's the first 6 of my new roast. These are kind of long so maybe they are not that good? But I tried...lol
I've got a few more signs to do and ill put out the other sic {👈 typo but it fit, so I left it 😋} other six signs.

[b]Aries-you oblivious moron...your wife told you for your anniversary she wanted this precious little diamond ring in a second hand shop. The ring looked identical to the one her grandma used to let her wear as they played "tea time" together when she was child, before grandma died. You went to the second hand store look at the ring and the price and said "What? That's so cheap and small! I can do better than that" you set it down and let the person behind you buy that little ring. Then you happily march your way to a fancy store and purchase the largest, latest diamond the sales clerk could find. You knew she was going to love it...
You take it home, wrap it up and are so proud of what you've done. After giving it to her, she starts crying...you think she's crying out of happiness. You assume this would be the perfect time to tell her the ring cost so much she's going to have to start working nights to help pay it off. Your genuinely in complete shock when she jumps up crying, tells you she hates you and throws the ring at you. Hmmm...what happened there? Your heart is so big, it's to bad your brain is so small!

Taurus- you bullheaded baboon... if your so good with money why do all girls at the local "exotic dancer"clubs know you by name? Is it because they will let you choke them? You naughty little boy! I want to see the IRS agents face when you say THAT was a "business" dinner! Go eat another burrito, oh wait you and your lusty nature prefer tacos...better be carful where you purchase your tacos bull boy.

Gemini-you air headed prick....your like an encyclopedia for dummies. You have just enough information on everything to make you appear intelligent, but not enough to actually understand what your talking about. Heaven forbid someone asks you to explain what your talking about, that's when you start talking jibberish and your other personality steps in to save you. The person in front of you is so confused they either feel sorry for you or they slowly back away until they are a safe enough distance to turn and run. Yes, you are an amazing sponge that many ppl love despite your being so annoying, your just like sponge bob square pants.

Cancer- your laugh....what is wrong with your laugh? Funny, I was watching the Disvovery Channel the other day and I thought I heard you in my house, then I realized it was not you...so embarrassing, it was the laughing Hyena on TV. Do you know what that is? It's this grinning, devious wild dog that walks around looking for something easy to eat. They are scavengers and typically eat what others have left behind. But sometimes they do get off their lazy butts and hunt for themselves. This is where they get good! When the hyena gets something within it grasp its gets so excited it laughs hysterically. Ya...I know, just like you! They will bite larger prey then stay and protect it as it slowly bleeds out in an agonizing death. Again, just like you!!
As the animal nears it's end the hyena calls all the family over, they get so excited as the dying animal takes it's last breath they all laugh hysterically, I bet you feel nostalgic don't you? Did you know Hyena moms breast feed their young an unusually long amount of time? Wow, cut the umbilical cord already! And Hyenas stay in a pack... just like you, they can't be alone. They even manipulate others to get what they want. One hyena from a pack will insert itself into another animal group and cause confusion and divide the group, then during the confusion they carry off the weak ones to be eaten by their pack, hysterically laughing all the way...yep, the similarities are uncanny!

Leo- pretentious much? You think if your in the room everyone else just vanishes. But you can be eclipsed the moon...which is probably why you hate cancer the most. Your so insecure you literally need to spend hours on the phone talking to one person after another, telling them about your greatness. Your like a chain smoker, but your drug of choice is attention. This drug is equally destructive but only to those around you. Anyone daring to breath a word that's not focus on you is taking their life in their own hands. You'll eventually want to call it "second hand suicide" because they should have known your were going to rip their head off for daring to speak unworthy words in your presence. Hush peasants....your voice is unnecessary as leo already has all the answers and all the questions.

Virgo- you creepy librarian nymph...you appear to be so uptight that ppl wonder how does your $hit get out of your @ss. But they just don't know the truth. You hide a secret and like everything you do, you hide it very well...you dirty lil freak. You love being kinky! You love to work hard, plot and plan how to get your partner to new heights of ecstasy without breaking a sweat. Awe, so sweet and caring to do that for them! They must love you so much, right? And you, of course do it all out of love....right?? Oh, no no little virgo...I know the truth! It's not love that inspires you, it's control! Your so insecure about yourself and your love you've actually calculated out the best way to make sure no one else can steal them. Youve thought of every little detail to get them to be panting desperately only for you. You'll be the dominatrix in skin tight black vinyl or the innocent little school girl that wants you to de-virginize her as she sucks on a lollipop. Yes...you can call yourself the virgin but your as much a virgin as Madonna is a saint. [/B]

---

posted September 04, 2015 04:55 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Faith:
Word each sign says most:

Aries: Whatever
Taurus: Yum
Gemini: Me?
Cancer: Ouch
Leo: Mirrors!
Virgo: Ew
Libra: However....
Scorpio: F*ck
Sag: Awesome
Cap: NO
Aqua: Frankly...
Pisces: Awww

---

posted September 04, 2015 04:57 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Gabby:

[b]Virgo- you creepy librarian nymph...you appear to be so uptight that ppl wonder how does your $hit get out of your @ss. But they just don't know the truth. You hide a secret and like everything you do, you hide it very well...you dirty lil freak. You love being kinky! You love to work hard, plot and plan how to get your partner to new heights of ecstasy without breaking a sweat. Awe, so sweet and caring to do that for them! They must love you so much, right? And you, of course do it all out of love....right?? Oh, no no little virgo...I know the truth! It's not love that inspires you, it's control! Your so insecure about yourself and your love you've actually calculated out the best way to make sure no one else can steal them. Youve thought of every little detail to get them to be panting desperately only for you. You'll be the dominatrix in skin tight black vinyl or the innocent little school girl that wants you to de-virginize her as she sucks on a lollipop. Yes...you can call yourself the virgin but your as much a virgin as Madonna is a saint. [/B]

---

LOL hahahaha

Do you have Psyche in Virgo? oh no you have VIRGO in the 12th...

Your virgo roast truly went to the core similar to my scorpio one and I have 12th house in scorpio and Psyche in scorpio.

This is the first virgo roast I have read including my own that as a virgo I actually identified with but my Sun opposes my moon in pisces and both square neptune so I am not your typical Virgo so I laugh at the stereotypes but it feels like they are talking about someone else.

Your virgo roast felt like me and it was not stereotypical.

posted September 04, 2015 05:09 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by hypatia238:
LOL hahahaha

Do you have Psyche in Virgo? oh no you have VIRGO in the 12th...

Your virgo roast truly went to the core similar to my scorpio one and I have 12th house in scorpio and Psyche in scorpio.

This is the first virgo roast I have read including my own that I as a virgo actually identified with but my Sun opposes my moon in pisces and both square neptune so I am not your typical Virgo so I laugh at the stereotypes but it feels like they are talking about someone else.

Your virgo roast felt like me and it was not stereotypical.

---

It's so cracks me up the more I talk to virgos and find out we are all the same in this area. We are truly kinky ppl!

Unaspected virgo Moon conjunct Juno in 12th, both square my gemini Psyche and trine my cap Eros.
Plus pisces Pallas/Vesta in 6th exact opposed Moon.

posted September 04, 2015 05:17 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Belage:
Brilliant!!

---

Thanks

But I think I should change Leos' word to "Listen..."

posted September 04, 2015 05:28 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Faith:
Word each sign says most:

Aries: Whatever
Taurus: Yum
Gemini: Me?
Cancer: Ouch
Leo: Mirrors!
Virgo: Ew
Libra: However....
Scorpio: F*ck
Sag: Awesome
Cap: NO
Aqua: Frankly...
Pisces: Awww

---

I say awwwwwwwwwwww a lot! LOL (moon in pisces) and also Awesome/epic (sun in 9th, jupiter rising conjunct uranus, southnode sag). Frankly is also a sag thing; I just said today "I am just being honest" after been blunt about some things.

posted September 04, 2015 05:43 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by CosmiqPhuz:
Haha thanks! I don't know if I'd call it art though!

---

awwww he is modest!

posted September 04, 2015 05:48 PM            

------------------
Want to Read Simple, Fun,Sexy Articles on Astrology? Check Me Out, DUDE.

posted September 04, 2015 06:07 PM            

I started looking over the thread earlier for that and I think I noticed a few roasts early on that it seemed nobody commented on. I could be wrong as I was going over the thread pretty quickly.
I just don't want anyone to feel left out or like theirs was not good!
We all put so much effort into doing these for everyone else to enjoy and it's not exactly the easiest thing to do, so if you guys catch anyone that didn't get appreciation for their roast please mention them so everyone knows and we can show our appreciation for them.

posted September 04, 2015 06:16 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Faith:
Thanks

But I think I should change Leos' word to "Listen..."

Or just "I"

---

or Look! (at me) Awesome list, Faith

------------------
I seem to have loved you in numberless forms...

AstroMandala

posted September 04, 2015 06:18 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by LeeLoo2014:
or Look! (at me) Awesome list, Faith

---

posted September 04, 2015 06:34 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Gabby:
Ok....I'll be back!

Scorpio/Cancer/Pisces...are these from what you've learned from clients? I like these, I like how you went indepth.

---

I have dated a couple of scorpios and I have known some scorpios here and there but the main source of inspiration for that Roast is my EX, I know if he read that roast it would really sting, his moon in pisces would be like Ouch! But he is also the guy who told me once "you know me better than anyone."

When I am interested in someone I want to get to know them deeply, every inch of their soul. I will get to know them more than they know themselves and that is my venus conjunct mars in the 8th sextile pluto with Psyche in scorpio in the works doing its thing.

So although my meanest roast, in actuality its a compliment to him and how well I know him.

_________________

The cancer roast was mainly inspired by my Sister actually but I have noticed this about Cancers, they want their environment to be butterflies and unicorns and lets avoid controversial topics and tend to get alarmed easily holding traditional views tending to not question much mainstream perception of things. I have one cancer friend that I adore and connect with and she has Uranus and Neptune conjunct AC. I too have neptune conjunct AC and my Uranus conjuncts my chart ruler jupiter exact which is my tightest aspect in my chart. To be fair I do admire cancers for many reasons and I think they can be a lot of fun!!

As for Pisces I was thinking about the family members of some of my clients and also of ME minus the drug addiction although I am self aware and analyze myself as much as others. I could stay in BED for days reading about astrology, psychology and watching shows and be happy as fu*k just chilling in bed not doing much in the EYES of others. I am not that girl that spends her weekends cleaning and cooking, I am usually chilling lost in 9th,11th,12th house world all while in the comfort of my bed, I love sleeping and dreaming too. When I am not chilling out I am working and working yes; I do value being independent, paying for my things, contributing to society and feeling like I am making at least a small difference in the world.

So this "you missed a spot" stereotype of virgo and all the stereotypes of virgo I hear it does not fit me at all and always makes me feel like dam* where do I belong then? as I am a virgo but not really. I have a tsquare in my chart involving the luminaries and my angles. You can't understanding me just looking at my sun, if you do you will not get who I am at all. You really have to look at the tsquare, I am just as much pisces and sag as I am virgo maybe more actually!; I truly am all 3 at once with possibly Pisces and Sag having more influence over my personality.

posted September 04, 2015 07:24 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by LeeLoo2014:
or Look! (at me) Awesome list, Faith

---

Thanks, Lee! You inspired me to do a whole new list.

Favorite things to exclaim:

posted September 04, 2015 07:32 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Gabby:
@Anyone and Everyone
I'd like us to go back through and make sure we have not left anyone out or didn't show our appreciation for their roast!

---

Ok!

quote:

---

Originally posted by Gabby:
My daughter had 4 wisdom teeth removed today and now im about to go on a 3 hour drive to take my son to visit a friend for the holiday weekend so I don't and have not had much time to do it myself. But I will!!

---

posted September 04, 2015 07:37 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Belage:
CANCER: For the love of all things yummy please stop overfeeding us while pretending to nurture us. I know you want us to get fat, so we can all be fat with you. You make my breasts hurt.

---

ROTFL...

quote:

---

Originally posted by Belage:
LEO: Oh, you're the King of the Zodiac? How cute. You remind me of Louis XVI. Why don't you have a seat right there, I'll be back... with a guillotine. I already found a buyer for your hair.

---

Hahaha....yeah, Leos with the hair!

quote:

---

Originally posted by Belage:
VIRGO: No need to look so smug sitting at your tidy desk. Beneath your prissy exterior, we all know you're hiding a dirty perverted debauched mind. Why don't you go clean THAT up for a change?

---

posted September 04, 2015 07:40 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by CosmiqPhuz:
*Husband greets his Gemini wife for breakfast* - "Morning honey! How are you feeling? More of the pleasant angel from yesterday or are you leaning more towards cold b*tch today?"

*A middle-aged Aquarius after hours and hours of arguing with his internet friends* - "You guys are all such idiots and are so wrong! I am right! I'm always right!.....MOM! I NEED MORE PIZZA BAGELS!!!"

*A Libra's wife responds to some dinner guests complimenting on her husband's charm* - "Well, of course he has to be charming! How else is he gonna compensate for his small d*ck?"

*A husband kills himself after enduring his Cancer wife's nagging on a 12-hour road trip* - (his wife's response to the detective): "He was always so negative! Every time I try to make conversation, he'd just tell me to stop! He never wanted to talk. I was just reminding him of the time he insulted my mother 30 years ago!.....etc." *2 hours into the conversation, the detective kills himself*

*Scorpio goes over a list of things to do on his day off* - "Hmm let's see, fix the sink, walk the dog, cut the grass, finally get to that novel I've been meaning to read..." *In reality, Scorpio ends up spending 12 hours watching porn and j*cking off*

*Sagittarius trying to comfort her overweight friend after breaking into tears about her appearance* - "Aww, c'mon baby, you're not that fat! I mean, you're fatter than me, but still!"

---

posted September 04, 2015 07:42 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by LexusVirgo:
Pisces you lying slithering snake get off the booze and get a job. Stop having your two girlfriends support you because when they find out about eachother it will only end bad not in a threesome type of way

---

posted September 04, 2015 08:03 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Odette:
Aquarius - Ur-anus rules you. Let me repeat that... You-are-r.u.l.e.d.-by-[b]Uranus!!
And, although you're not particularly anal and not quite at the rearend of the zodiac, you can still be a complete and utter A-hole.
Just ask anyone who's ever dated you![/B]

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by HadesFish:
Libra - biggest debt. Literally will die to look good. Or get buried in debt, makeup, etc. once the makeup is removed you're like wow, you look... Nice eyebrows! If you're on the ground dying will step over you to shake hands with president or whoever. Will steal candy from a baby

Sagittarius - invented plastic surgery and bathroom / bedroom / chest area selfies. That's about it. Oh, wait.. Will travel just to take them too or have something " done ". Will become friends with everyone just to make it seem like they are friends with everyone. Verbal diarrhea.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by fireopal:
Leo: How to freak out a Leo: Give them a gift certificate to Hair Club for Men even if they aren't losing their hair.

Cancer: Lives with his mom and is featured on "Hoarders".

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by AlexandraWood:
Aquarius: If i have to hear one more "I'm the best sign in the zodiac" speech I'm gonna scream. You're futuristic and a genius? Then why are you trying to go backwards with your paleo diets and rubbish constructed huts in your backyards?

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by hypatia238:
CANCER: OMG, God forbid we talk about something controversial and have an in depth conversation, lets just hug all day instead and pretend that there is nothing wrong with the world, lets reject any information that indicates otherwise or on the other hand let any fear based information manipulate how I feel about a topic.

LIBRA: OH NO!! CONFLICT!!=MIGRAINES, please seriously go grow some thicker skin and get over it and sorry you are not the fairest of the land or you will not marry the fairest of the land, stop been so shallow.

---

Sorry if I'm picking on the other cardinal signs too much...can't help it.

And I'm going easy on Capricorn...

Honestly I think Cap is sneakier than many people realize, or you would have called us on that, instead of all the greed-superiority complex stuff.

Maybe I'll roast my own sign again.

posted September 04, 2015 09:23 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Gabby:
It's so cracks me up the more I talk to virgos and find out we are all the same in this area. We are truly kinky ppl!

Unaspected virgo Moon conjunct Juno in 12th, both square my gemini Psyche and trine my cap Eros.
Plus pisces Pallas/Vesta in 6th exact opposed Moon.

---

LOL. I think that's the paradox of Virgo. Looks prissy and ladylike but can be kinky beyond belief. But it's a more mental kind of kinkyness, like in the movie Secretary. Incidentally, James Spader who played in it has Virgo rising. Maggie Gyllengal's ascendant is unknown.

posted September 04, 2015 09:36 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Faith:

Maybe I'll roast my own sign again.

CAPRICORN: Yeah...you in there. WAyyyyyy in there. Come out. This is called sunlight. It won't shrivel you up. Just stand here being totally real and risk every f*cking thing you ever valued, and be real. Try that for once. Stand on your own two feet come hell or high water and DO NOT give a cr*p what the consequences are. Stop calculating, let go of Plan B, C, D, and E...and just stand here. Feel that? It's called LIFE.

---

That was beautiful FAITH, like WOW. My eyes got a tiny bit watery and I got partial goosebumps in my body.

That was BEAUTIFUL!!!!!! in addition to it being an excellent roast; the best cap roast that I have read so far here. It has a similar theme to my cap roast but it took it another LEVEL the kind that comes from your soul and walking on the shoes of a cap.

I am having a hard time coming up with the words to compliment this but beautiful is correct. I just feel you.

ADD:

It was a roast but it was also beautiful and empowering, that is how it felt to me; like flying above it.