posted September 06, 2015 01:43 AM              

taurus: giant head

gemini: huge ears

cancer: double chin

leo: lost of nice thick hair.... everywhere

virgo: pointy noise that could cut a diamond

libra: bad skin

sag: butts CAN be too big

cap: big calves

aqua: fivehead (forehead that is enormous)

pisces: prominent chin or underbite

posted September 06, 2015 08:58 AM            

Taurus-most likely to drool on you

Gemini-most likely to talk to much and kill the mood; most likely to forget your name

Cancer-most likely to want baby talk

Leo-most likely to want to recap every move he made

Virgo-most likely to want to take a shower before and after or possible during; most likely to have wet wipes in bedside dresser along with vibrator; most likely to have designated "sex sheets"

Libra-most likely to do anything you ask

Scorpio-most likely to have red satin sheets to match his black satin robe; most likely to have handcuffs; most likely to expect you to dress in something he picked out

Saggy-most likely to do it in the bushes; most likely to sweat on you

Cap-most likely to want to be called Daddy

Aqua-most likely to ask you to leave immediately after

posted September 06, 2015 09:05 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by hypatia238:
LMAO, I actually laughed out loud. They are also good for indigestion and reduces bloating, lemons belief it or not is alkaline forming once fully metabolized in the body:

"It's a citrus fruit. Inside the body however, when lemon juice has been fully metabolized and its minerals are dissociated in the bloodstream, its effect is alkalizing and therefore raises the pH of body tissue (pH above 7 is alkaline)."

Cancer cells are less likely to reproduce in a body that has a PH above 7.

I love lemons, I like lemon bars, lemon cake, water with lemon and lemonade of course!

---

posted September 06, 2015 09:14 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by HadesFish:

But, I have to say they make great friends ; aka : bring your own
protection. <-- t'was a roast.

---

posted September 06, 2015 09:17 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Odette:
I'm glad you guys liked them
I googled "when life gives you lemons..." and realised all the different quotes out there are very sign-appropriate haha

---

posted September 06, 2015 09:19 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by bansheequeen:
aries: eyes too close together

taurus: giant head

gemini: huge ears

cancer: double chin

leo: lost of nice thick hair.... everywhere

virgo: pointy noise that could cut a diamond

libra: bad skin

sag: butts CAN be too big

cap: big calves

aqua: fivehead (forehead that is enormous)

pisces: prominent chin or underbite

Dont take me TOO seriously, or do. Whatever

---

Too funny!! I know a sign with almost everyone one of those features...those are spot on! 😂

posted September 21, 2016 02:13 PM            

Had a good laugh at all that was written, especially about my own sign.

posted September 21, 2016 04:40 PM            

ARIES - I know you never apologize and you never do anything wrong. How could you possibly make a mistake? So, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I ever met you.

TAURUS - No, I can't pay you back today. You just loaned me money. Today. Like, an hour and a half ago.

GEMINI - I get it. You have two different personalities. They both suck.

CANCER - I don't like your mother. You don't even like your mother, most of the time! So, just stop talking about her! Yes, I know. She bought you Rocky Road ice cream when you wanted Butter Pecan. But, you were 12. Let it go.

LEO - I don't want to hear your great story. I don't care how hilarious or entertaining or amazing you think you are. I'm just waiting for you to shut up.

VIRGO - Wow, thank you for that Power Point presentation on why I need to go vegan. That was so helpful. Now, let me tell you why I think you need to ditch your boyfriend. Oh, wait. Where are you going?

LIBRA - I can't tell if you like me or if you're just pretending to like me or if you don't know the difference. Whatever. Let's hang out next weekend!

SCORPIO - Oh, wow, you are the realest person in this room. Oh my God. Everyone is so fake and shallow compared to you. They don't know what real intimacy is. They just control people and keep secrets and play mind games and never reveal their true self. Oh, wait, that's you.

SAGITTARIUS - Aw, that's so cute that you never want to grow up. Don't worry. I'm absolutely sure you never will.

CAPRICORN - Man, your resume is so fascinating. Seriously, tell me more about the two years you spent working at that job that doesn't impress me, even though you think it does. I'm RIVETED.

AQUARIUS - Don't worry. I'll keep your secret. No one else is going to know that you're not an actual human being and that you're a visitor from the third dimension but me.

PISCES - I'm amazed. I've never seen someone have three shots, four cocktails, a Molly, and half a container of cough syrup and then go to work, the next morning, like nothing ever happened. And people say you don't have direction!

I love everyone.

posted September 21, 2016 05:16 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by the89freespirit:

CANCER - I don't like your mother. You don't even like your mother, most of the time! So, just stop talking about her! Yes, I know. She bought you Rocky Road ice cream when you wanted Butter Pecan. But, you were 12. Let it go.

---

posted September 21, 2016 05:18 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by the89freespirit:

SCORPIO - Oh, wow, you are the realest person in this room. Oh my God. Everyone is so fake and shallow compared to you. They don't know what real intimacy is. They just control people and keep secrets and play mind games and never reveal their true self. Oh, wait, that's you.

---

posted September 21, 2016 05:49 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by the89freespirit:
CANCER - I don't like your mother. You don't even like your mother, most of the time! So, just stop talking about her! Yes, I know. She bought you Rocky Road ice cream when you wanted Butter Pecan. But, you were 12. Let it go.

---

Just being serious a moment, I did know a Scorpio-dominant Libra who was like this, to the point that she wrote poetry about it!

She did know it was not a good thing and tried to overcome her bitterness over even trivial things (that she blew out of proportion--sometimes she was aware she was doing so, other times she didn't), but never could. This could be anything and anyone, but was primarily focused on her mother who had been dead for over a decade, maybe two, before I met her. (I don't recall any Cancer in her chart, nor any 4H placements.)

posted September 22, 2016 03:05 AM            

Taurus- I can't read your mind, you're too shy, baby.

Gemini- What's your favorite song of all time.....today.

Cancer- Can you just tell it to me straight?

Leo- Honey, your pride has clouded your thinking, that outfit does not look good on you!

Virgo- Your incessant nagging is like nails on a chalkboard!

Libra- You're not nice, you just being smarmy.

Scorpio- Overemotional twit!

Sagittarius- Someone needs to tie you up and put you in the basement!

Capricorn- Okay, whatever, Miss Higher-than-thou. Can we get on with it now?

Aquarius- You'll never get a date detaching like that, except with an alien from Mars, Uranus, Neptune, or another galaxy altogether.

posted September 22, 2016 06:23 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by CosmiqPhuz:
Aries - you selfish, conceited b*stard
Taurus - you cheap, gluttonous b*stard
Gemini - you two-faced, insincere b*stard
Cancer - you nagging, whiney b*stard
Leo - you bossy, spotlight-stealing b*stard
Virgo - you OCD, nitpicking nazi b*stard
Libra - you fake, ass kissing b*stard
Scorpio - you jealous, disturbing b*stard
Sagittarius - you loud, embarrassing b*stard
Capricorn - you pessimistic, materialistic b*stard
Aquarius - you arrogant, know-it-all b*stard
Pisces - you spineless, blaming b*stard

---

posted September 22, 2016 03:37 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by margym0o:
This is so true! My Cancer brother brings up incidents from the past where he felt slighted ALL THE TIME! It's like...really dude?! How do you remember this stuff?! Sometimes we call them "fake memories" because he seems to exaggerate these incidents to make them seem more hurtful. Like, "remember that time Mom said she was going to make us popcorn but she didn't"...LOL

---

That is funny! People with Cancer planets seem to live in their memories more than their present. It's almost as if the present doesn't exist and everything is just a potential memory to be hoarded. It can get a little ridiculous, especially when it makes them nag or pity themselves or guilt trip you.

posted September 22, 2016 04:26 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by meyray:
I love roasts so much! LET’S DO THIS!

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to this very special event – the roasting of the signs. Congratulations for weaving through all the click-bait threads and desperate pleads for synastry readings made by brittle [b]Pisces. One would think Leos would also be the culprits for this but we all know they’re too busy writing articles for Buzzfeed. Speaking of spreading horrible misinformation, let’s talk about our dear friend Gemini. How’s your book coming along? I can’t wait for “Accused of infidelity: 1000 defenses that will get you out of the dog house”. So far from the preview my favorite one is – “if you wear a condom and the skin doesn’t touch, it’s technically not cheating”. I look forward to reading chapter 2, call me when you finally finish it in 10 years. Capricorn scoffs at this book of course, he will criticize your honor to his loving Libra housewife (not knowing she has already pre-ordered the book and is in an affair with you) and the next day you will be berated again when he visits his Aries dominatrix during lunchtime at the office. Now that I mentioned Aries I remembered I need to get some meds for my hemorrhoids. They appeared a few days ago when I read an opinionated social justice piece by a communist female Aquarius on how nail clippers were a patriarchal tool of oppression which also encouraged racism and homophobia. Horrific news yesterday when they announced she was shot dead by a traditionalist red-pilled Aquarius male. Did any of you watch it? It was right after the emission about the Sagittarius that died from erotic asphyxiation in a brothel in Bangkok. Really creepy stuff. Almost as creepy as having a personal relationship with Scorpio (by the way I KNOW it’s you that calls me every night at 3AM breathing heavily and then hanging up, stop it or I will call the police) I should have chosen the Cancer over him but his Virgo mother was insufferable, she criticized me for not disinfecting my hands every 5 minutes with 3 and a half drops of sanitizer and complained I was not attractive enough because my left knee cap was slightly higher than my right one. I guess I dodged a bullet with him though since his new Taurus girlfriend told me that the only way he could not cry after sex is if she role-played as his mother. I asked her why she would put up with that and she said that she just truly loves him, after that she picked up her bald eagle fur coat and Louis Vuitton handbag bought by him and said she had to get ready for their trip to Bora Bora which was a gift for their two month anniversary.[/B]

---

posted September 22, 2016 08:26 PM            

anyway, here's my not so funny take on the Roasting!

...

. aries
- no, everybody's joke isn't aimed at you
- you need to start taking yoga or meditations classes, maybe it will help you learn to see from other's perspectives

. taurus
- no, we aren't on earth just for sex, money and food
- you need to spend less on yourself and more on others

. gemini
- no, the quantity won't make up for quality
- you need to become wiser and less shallow

. cancer
- no, your pout isn't really that cute
- you need to come out of your home into the society more often

. leo
- no, everybody doesn't really love you simply for being you
- you need to become smarter and more useful

. virgo
- no, being at times messy and distracted won't kill people
- you need to start trusting less your mind, and more your guts

. libra
- no, being a two-faced meddlesome won't give you the reputation of a peacemaker
- you need to start moving your ass and find some motivation for your own life

. scorpio
- no, your love for darkness isn't hidden from everybody, they very much see it and distance themselves
- you need to start appreciating and looking more for the aesthetics and less for your own rotting world

. sagittarius
- no, your shallow, childlike enthusiasm alone isn't useful for the society
- you need to make more friends and contacts to come save your ass each time you get into trouble

. capricorn
- no, your pessimism isn't your asset..once you make it big, your depression rarely lets you enjoy any of it
- you need ASAP to find someone to cozy up to and loosen up with

. aquarius
- no, you don't know it all, and your love of surprises makes you dumber than you can imagine
- you need to find out who you really are, before taking bullet for that "buddy" you just met

posted September 22, 2016 08:39 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by the89freespirit:
Haha, this is great! I know it's super-late, but I guess I'll revive the thread by adding something.

ARIES - I know you never apologize and you never do anything wrong. How could you possibly make a mistake? So, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I ever met you.

TAURUS - No, I can't pay you back today. You just loaned me money. Today. Like, an hour and a half ago.

GEMINI - I get it. You have two different personalities. They both suck.

CANCER - I don't like your mother. You don't even like your mother, most of the time! So, just stop talking about her! Yes, I know. She bought you Rocky Road ice cream when you wanted Butter Pecan. But, you were 12. Let it go.

LEO - I don't want to hear your great story. I don't care how hilarious or entertaining or amazing you think you are. I'm just waiting for you to shut up.

VIRGO - Wow, thank you for that Power Point presentation on why I need to go vegan. That was so helpful. Now, let me tell you why I think you need to ditch your boyfriend. Oh, wait. Where are you going?

LIBRA - I can't tell if you like me or if you're just pretending to like me or if you don't know the difference. Whatever. Let's hang out next weekend!

SCORPIO - Oh, wow, you are the realest person in this room. Oh my God. Everyone is so fake and shallow compared to you. They don't know what real intimacy is. They just control people and keep secrets and play mind games and never reveal their true self. Oh, wait, that's you.

SAGITTARIUS - Aw, that's so cute that you never want to grow up. Don't worry. I'm absolutely sure you never will.

CAPRICORN - Man, your resume is so fascinating. Seriously, tell me more about the two years you spent working at that job that doesn't impress me, even though you think it does. I'm RIVETED.

AQUARIUS - Don't worry. I'll keep your secret. No one else is going to know that you're not an actual human being and that you're a visitor from the third dimension but me.

PISCES - I'm amazed. I've never seen someone have three shots, four cocktails, a Molly, and half a container of cough syrup and then go to work, the next morning, like nothing ever happened. And people say you don't have direction!

I love everyone.

---

posted September 23, 2016 01:06 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Gabby:
Aries-most likely to get so excited they accidentally go in the wrong hole, girl screams and jumps across the room; most likely to call out someone else's name

Taurus-most likely to drool on you

Gemini-most likely to talk to much and kill the mood; most likely to forget your name

Cancer-most likely to want baby talk

Leo-most likely to want to recap every move he made

Virgo-most likely to want to take a shower before and after or possible during; most likely to have wet wipes in bedside dresser along with vibrator; most likely to have designated "sex sheets"

Libra-most likely to do anything you ask

Scorpio-most likely to have red satin sheets to match his black satin robe; most likely to have handcuffs; most likely to expect you to dress in something he picked out

Saggy-most likely to do it in the bushes; most likely to sweat on you

Cap-most likely to want to be called Daddy

Aqua-most likely to ask you to leave immediately after

Pisces-most likely to cry afterwards

---

posted September 23, 2016 09:19 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by the89freespirit:
Haha, this is great! I know it's super-late, but I guess I'll revive the thread by adding something.

VIRGO - Wow, thank you for that Power Point presentation on why I need to go vegan. That was so helpful. Now, let me tell you why I think you need to ditch your boyfriend. Oh, wait. Where are you going?

LIBRA - I can't tell if you like me or if you're just pretending to like me or if you don't know the difference. Whatever. Let's hang out next weekend!

SAGITTARIUS - Aw, that's so cute that you never want to grow up. Don't worry. I'm absolutely sure you never will.

I love everyone.

---

posted September 23, 2016 09:24 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Sulkyarcher:
Aries- Yellin in people's faces aren't going to make them listen to you.

Taurus- I can't read your mind, you're too shy, baby.

Gemini- What's your favorite song of all time.....today.

Cancer- Can you just tell it to me straight?

Leo- Honey, your pride has clouded your thinking, that outfit does not look good on you!

Virgo- Your incessant nagging is like nails on a chalkboard!

Libra- You're not nice, you just being smarmy.

Scorpio- Overemotional twit!

Sagittarius- Someone needs to tie you up and put you in the basement!

Capricorn- Okay, whatever, Miss Higher-than-thou. Can we get on with it now?

Aquarius- You'll never get a date detaching like that, except with an alien from Mars, Uranus, Neptune, or another galaxy altogether.

Pisces- Stop letting people step all over you, it makes you look pathetic!

---

posted September 23, 2016 09:30 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by girlwiththerainysoul:
OMG this thread is hiLarious !!! 😂😂😂

anyway, here's my not so funny take on the Roasting!

...

. aries
- no, everybody's joke isn't aimed at you
- you need to start taking yoga or meditations classes, maybe it will help you learn to see from other's perspectives

. taurus
- no, we aren't on earth just for sex, money and food
- you need to spend less on yourself and more on others

. gemini
- no, the quantity won't make up for quality
- you need to become wiser and less shallow

. cancer
- no, your pout isn't really that cute
- you need to come out of your home into the society more often

. leo
- no, everybody doesn't really love you simply for being you
- you need to become smarter and more useful

. virgo
- no, being at times messy and distracted won't kill people
- you need to start trusting less your mind, and more your guts

. libra
- no, being a two-faced meddlesome won't give you the reputation of a peacemaker
- you need to start moving your ass and find some motivation for your own life

. scorpio
- no, your love for darkness isn't hidden from everybody, they very much see it and distance themselves
- you need to start appreciating and looking more for the aesthetics and less for your own rotting world

. sagittarius
- no, your shallow, childlike enthusiasm alone isn't useful for the society
- you need to make more friends and contacts to come save your ass each time you get into trouble

. capricorn
- no, your pessimism isn't your asset..once you make it big, your depression rarely lets you enjoy any of it
- you need ASAP to find someone to cozy up to and loosen up with

. aquarius
- no, you don't know it all, and your love of surprises makes you dumber than you can imagine
- you need to find out who you really are, before taking bullet for that "buddy" you just met

. pisces
- no, you keeping stating that you have been victimized, rarely leads to people acknowledging your empathy
- you simply need to start walking firmer, and using your brain more often

---

posted September 23, 2016 05:48 PM            

Capricorn, we love you because
all the **** that just happens to you makes the rest of us feel like chosen ones

Aquarius, we love you because
those quirky frocks you wear make the rest of us feel socially acceptable

Pisces, we love you because
frankly, when you are down and out, you let the rest of us feel like our suffering is a gift from heaven

Aries, we love you because
your office that's cluttered with 99 piles of starter projects makes the rest if us feel productive

Taurus, we love you and all your possessions because
when you stay at home all the time it makes the rest of us feel like social butterflies

Gemini, we love you because
those volumes of jokes you spew out from your brain make the rest of us feel important

Cancer, we love you because
when you're so busy trying to pull one over on us in business deals you make the rest of us feel like we have integrity

Leo, we love you because
...well, your hair, your makeup, your fashion statements...they make the rest of feel like we're authentic

Virgo, we love you because
those little things that you do, you know, the ones nobody else knows about, the ones that drive you, automatically...they make the rest of us feel... normal

Libra, we love you because
all that fussing and flirting and tossing of the hair makes the rest of us feel grounded

Scorpio, we love you because
When you insist you have to get your way it makes the rest of us feel we have self-control

Saggy, we love you because
when you ride fast and free it makes the rest of us feel like we belong