posted July 27, 2023 09:09 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by GoldenSword:
I thought I knew all the good hamstring stretches and if I want more I can find them online. One day I decided to go to a physical therapist and he showed me a better way to reach and stretching it from a different angle and it was way more effective than what I knew... it was worth the visit.

@Stawr you quack🦆too much girl.... jk ♡

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posted July 27, 2023 11:44 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by GoldenSword:
Britney Spears - (You Drive Me) Crazy (Official HD Video)

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posted July 27, 2023 11:57 PM            

This is all opposing my Mars in Aquarius. I've been feeling the temptation, and I am trying to put that energy into my goals right now.

posted July 29, 2023 05:28 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Stawr:
I have 23 Aqua Mars and I've been enjoying my self. I reconnected with a guy I've been on a few dates with. We have insane chemistry. His moon is in Aquarius AND his Mercury is conjunct my Mars! Add booze and a party setting the more the night went on the more we could barely keep our hands off each other.

He is a triple Aquarius (w/o knowing his rising) what is it with me and triple/quadrable threats?!

I also have MC Aquarius 16 and NN Aquarius 14

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That's interesting. The oppositional can point to extremes too. In Venus' case, too much chocolate, cookies and goodies. Lol. And from a love nature perspective, being spoilt for choice in the love department because of Venus opp effect on your planet I.e. it brings out your more attractiveness.

You are just "cute" a lot more now. And this could sometimes be contradictory to how you feel inside as confidence will go up/down(the downside of the opposition effect)

posted July 29, 2023 08:43 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by GoldenSword:
@Stawr sorry you sound like morning birds singing a beautiful song🐦 ... not quacking 🙏

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that's the third time I've seen a cardinal today

posted July 30, 2023 05:46 AM            

Neptune is still a few degrees away from Mars. Depending on someone's opinion, Neptune may not be close enough to Aries to have an impact on any early-degree placements in that sign.

Unfortunately, my mother recently gave me a code and told me it means to call 911 to report an unruly child. So, if I hear that code, my sister is refusing to behave appropriately and is being abusive. Mom has been told to establish more firm boundaries and she's starting to change her approach, because my sister isn't responding to normal forms of discipline and punishment. She just responds by abusing someone into giving her what she wants.

Mom told me she didn't tell Dad about this. She doesn't think Dad would respond well to the situation. I, personally, doubt he'll be left in the dark about what's going on if the police show up yet happen to agree. She seems to be hoping he'll stay out of this.

The fallout of doing what my mom asks could be anything from my dad wanting to know why the police are at our house to my sister continuing to be unruly in the presence of a police officer. I'm hoping she is willing to listen to someone whose job it is to enforce the law, but she's not the usual kind of unruly person.

My sister is traumatized and heavily damaged by past abuse pre-adoption. The police aren't trained to understand cases like this. To be honest, I don't know what the right thing to do is. Since my sister refuses to be held accountable for her behavior, instead deciding to lash out and blame others rather than take responsibility for her being the problem, she doesn't seem like the kind of person to respond well to a police visit.

She'd probably be able to figure out easily if I called the police on her and lash out at me. I'm tired and I'm worn out. I know she has destroyed property so I wouldn't give her the chance to knock down my door.

By the way, since my sister can break doors, that means she's dangerous. She's almost 15 legally, but I can't break a door without a tool of some kind. Meanwhile, all she needs is her youthful physical strength that I just don't have. We're roughly the same height and body type.

If my sister confronts me and decides to abuse me, I'll probably just fall apart. I don't know what me "falling apart" would look like. I don't know what "losing control" would look like, but I know that she's damaged me and that damage is likely to be visible if she confronts me about doing what my mother told me to do.

If Mom wants to tell my sister she asked me to do that and I just listened to her, that's her decision. Meanwhile, I'd rather just break and shatter.

I'm tired of the roles. Don't expect me to be someone I can't be. Don't ask me to do something that's impossible.

My sister's level of trauma is far deeper than the standard case. From what my mom told me, she should always be under supervision. I'm not sure how Mom is supposed to achieve this. Who has the emotional resilience to handle that kind of task?

Let's call a spade a spade. My sister is an abuser. Her trauma doesn't mean she gets to hurt people. If she sees me crack, it wouldn't be me lashing out at her. I'd be begging her to just stay away from me, don't touch me, don't look at me like I'm capable of something I'm not. Don't scream at me, don't hurt me, don't break me.

I don't care anymore. Let me just give in. Let me give up the adulthood persona and let out the pain. I'm not going to hurt anyone. I just don't want to hide anymore. So, let my voice crack. Let me be vulnerable without it being something to vilify.

She can laugh at my pain if she wants to. She can think I'm overdoing it and being too dramatic. Fine, but let me not stop. I want to just...let it out.

The fear, the pain, the damage. Let me just be human. Don't tell me to hold it together. I'm tired of that. I just need one moment to drop the expectations that I act my age. I can't anymore. Abuse is abuse.

And if my dad does end up trying to get involved, I want to just beg him not to do anything to get arrested. I want the mask off. I want to stop being an adult for one night. Please. I'm sick of this. Let me act like a vulnerable child.

Back-to-back, without a moment to breathe, I've been hit with conflict after conflict for 31 years. I've done my best to be appropriate and not disturb the peace. I'm done. I've been through a lot too. Let me just give into the need to show it.

I'm like everyone else. I'm not perfect. I don't know how much influence Neptune can have on Mars right now given the information I've provided, but this is just a few degrees away. I don't want things to get worse, but I just don't want to be held up to standard.

Stop. Telling me. To do things I can't. After 31 years, of course something is going to give eventually. I've already told my therapists that I'm close to just breaking. I've assured them that apart from how I feel, I'm not mentally unstable. "Losing control" doesn't mean I'm going to see red or anything. I'm far more likely to just start crying in front of everyone. It'll be more emotion than anyone's ever seen from me but not an unexpected response to abuse.

After losing my composure, it probably wouldn't take long for me to regain it. To be honest, I don't think I'm anywhere near close to actually losing my composure uncontrollably. Any amount of vulnerability I display is still going to be within my control, except for maybe my body language or the tone of my voice. It's possible my voice would be a bit shaky or even raised out of fear rather than anger, but overall, I wouldn't be truly "losing it."

If Neptune's conjunction to Mars results in me "losing control" uncontrollably, I still expect it to be emotional, not destructive. It would be closer to an emotional breakdown that's a cathartic release of decades of pent-up energy, not something to "lock me" up over.

I'm attached to my self-control. By the time the conjunction to Mars is much tighter, I have no idea what will happen. It's worth remembering that Mars is still in Aries even with a conjunction. So, I still need some precautions to make sure if I slip into rage, nothing breaks and no one gets hurt.

On the other hand, I think rage is unlikely since my sister has that covered for me. My voice could escalate uncontrollably though while letting out my emotions and the pent-up anger that I've held back for so many years. The emotional release could be triggering for her, because she has PTSD, but there's a difference between yelling out of rage and yelling out of emotional anguish.

I told both of my therapists, too, that an uncontrollable emotional breakdown would probably be a one-time incident.

I have no idea how bad things will get for me, but I question how accurately I can describe the situation. Things are volatile and unpredictable and "my imagination" isn't a reliable source for anything. Things rarely play out as expected.

I'll probably be back here later with an update.

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Edit: This isn't the update, just an addition to the original post based on recent texts. My mom doesn't think things will get bad enough to justify calling the police. So, it's possible she's had a bit of time to calm down a bit. I assume she's just telling me what to do if things do escalate to a certain point.

I'm in a situation where everything is confusing. I don't know what my mother should do and I've about had it with the societal expectation that I retain my self-control just because of my age. However, I have very real pride when it comes to self-control and upholding my composure, especially with my emotions, and society didn't give me that pride. I developed it separately. As long as I'm not forced into some kind of emotional breakdown by external circumstances that reach a high enough severity, it isn't happening and I'm surprised I haven't already lost it.

For now, what I've posted is within the imagination. It's not a reflection of reality or my actual needs. These are just feelings in the moment. This doesn't mean I'm taking what I've posted lightly or that it isn't serious. To clarify, I have no experience and can't verify any level of truth to anything on an emotional scale until or unless it happens. I mean, this post is dominantly about Neptune transits.

So, although I feel all of these emotions and you can gather I'm not in the best place, I have a history of questioning if I'm about to break and then somehow avoiding it.

That Neptune conjunction has me worried though. Fiery Aries can be quick to get angry, but once it's out, it's out and they move on. If anything I've posted is accurate, I actually expect the conjunction to play out similarly. I've spoken to my therapist like this one-time hypothetical scenario is going to occur. A hypothetical manifestation of what I've described would ultimately be out of my system after the storm passes and it sounds similar to Aries energy.

It's possible I'm getting a small taste of the conjunction, but I will probably end up forgetting about the transit entirely at some point. Well, unless something drastic and extreme happens, which is always possible.

posted July 31, 2023 04:37 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Stawr:
that's the third time I've seen a cardinal today

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You like to scare me 👽

Sun trine Jupiter and NN

posted July 31, 2023 09:38 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by GoldenSword:
You like to scare me 👽

Sun trine Jupiter and NN

Very active physically and able to lift heavyweights in gym.
Another plus is im sleeping really good!
Hopefully that will stick not a temp cosmic gift, maybe because i burn every bit of energy before night time.

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oops! Sowry! LOL

Yesterday I saw cardinals in the yard. Very unusual. A male and female. I was finally like okay I need to look up the meaning.

Sounds like a great transit!

posted July 31, 2023 10:05 AM            

Anywho this full moon(?) will be in my 9th house.

trine my rising Gemini
square Mercury Taurus ruling planet house 12
conjunct NN h9
oppose IC h3

posted July 31, 2023 03:32 PM            

Tr VENUS RX on my venus and mars will also be squaring tr URANUS in my 5th while Transit URANUS is conjuncting his MOON and our composite IC angle.His moon falls in my 5th and my VENUS and MARS falls in his 5th. His DC ruler is VENUS in VIRGO which conjuncts my DC ruler Mercury rx and tr Mars is hitting that.

posted August 01, 2023 02:28 AM            

Uranus' opposition to Pluto is usually the kind of transit I'd ignore, because a transit from one generational planet to another generational planet is unlikely to mean much. It's a generational transit, but the orb was tight enough in June.

In June, my aunt thought it was important to remind me about the reality of aging. Her and my parents are getting old and she's concerned about my ability to support myself in the future. She wants me to know how to survive on my own.

Neptune being Neptune, things didn't go well. It hit me like a bullet in my chest when she told me, "This country doesn't owe you anything." I know. The country has no problem reminding me that I'm nothing but deadweight, because I'm unable to get a societally acceptable job. This country has no problem reminding me that it can easily wash off the blood if anything happens to me. To this country, I have no value or worth. If I can't be trained to be useful in the way it wants me to be, my skill set is garbage. They have no need for it.

I'm treated like I'm lesser for my inability to break myself for "the system" and somehow still stay alive through the miracle of sheer willpower alone. I have seen people that are the miracle and I can't be like them. If it was between "get a job" or the streets, the streets would consume my corpse and my death would be slow and torturous. During my remaining days alive, no one would look at me like a human. I'd be a nuisance to be ignored and dismissed for failing to live up to societal standards.

I cannot break myself for "the system." It would destroy me beyond repair if I tried. The "system" claims to care to be absolved of wrong-doing, but the reality is "the system" doesn't care. Everyone that upholds "the system" washes their hands knowing they have what they need and ignore those that cannot provide for themselves. Those people aren't important and shouldn't exist. The homeless are treated like germs and forced out of the few areas they can find while they struggle to stay alive.

Humankind has inherent value. Money or lack of it shouldn't be able to take that value away. Although I cannot fit "the system" in the way it's currently structured, I surely have a place in modern society. Just accommodate for me and help me out with the skill set I have. Help me build my natural skill sets for a job position that makes the most of what I can do instead of forcing me to do a job just because it's "societally acceptable."

I will not compromise. I'd sooner die than bend for this cruel, uncaring system. If it won't help me, I have to find my own way to success. If I'm on my own, as far as I'm concerned, of course it's going to take me awhile to find success. I have to be capable of reproducing any meaningful success I find. If I don't know what I'm doing, a one-time fluke won't keep me alive.

Decades later, I'm continually being hit with obstacle after obstacle. Will I survive that process and experience a rebirth? Most likely, yes. I have some time left to figure things out. It may be limited, but it's not that limited.

Also, normally, I don't study quincunxes/inconjunctions in transit, but it would be a mistake to ignore the role Pluto is playing my life right now. I have a lot of shadow work to do.

I'm tired and worn out all the time. Sleep doesn't fix it so it's not that kind of tired. It's the kind of tired you experience when you crave relief but are repeatedly denied it.

There's a temporary conflict between me aunt and I. From her end, things are fine. On my end, I contributed to my own emotional problems by refusing to text her a simple question for a bit of clarification. When she did respond, I felt better. I admit that because of her silence, I've said things that may not be entirely accurate while venting about her in private. Unfortunately for me, I significantly underestimated just how busy she is.

I want my aunt to respond to a text I sent and she needs more time to think about how to respond. Because she didn't initially say anything, my imagination warped things out of proportion. It has been known to do that given my living environment with my sister. It's important for me to keep paranoia in check and take notice of when my brain is likely over-doing it with the actual problem at hand.

Whatever my deal is, I think I'm exactly where I need to be in life and it's unfortunate I had to blow a simple misunderstanding out of proportion to finally start believing this. I still believe there are things I don't understand when it comes to my aunt, but I can admit when something is my problem and at least I didn't blow things out of proportion in front of said aunt. She absolutely doesn't need more drama in her life.

After all is said and done with the mess that is my consciousness, if I end up in a better place and as long as I didn't harm anyone on the way there, everything is all good.

----

And now for the update. I expected I'd be back with one, because the first post was before I had a chance to properly talk to my mother about the text in question. I wanted to talk in person about it and that took a bit of waiting.

My mom has been getting a lot of mixed advice. She was legitimately given the advice to phone the police in certain situations, but my sister is traumatized. She's not yet a criminal. Mom doesn't want to make my sister's pain worse and neither do I.

Unfortunately, I'm pending on whether or not my sister could eventually be arrested. I don't think she would intentionally do anything wrong or commit a crime worth an arrest, but she is deeply traumatized within a country that is largely unable to understand that. And, more importantly, ignorance of the crime doesn't mean it ceases to be one.

The US is infamous for its expensive healthcare system and it has also been neglecting the importance of treating mental health. In this case, I don't think that any structural changes to how things work in this country can or would help my sister.

I don't think humanity has reached a stage of understanding with trauma to properly treat it. My sister has some advanced level of trauma and her issues can only be managed, not "fixed." The only problem here is my sister doesn't think she has problems. She believes everyone else is the problem, which my mother cannot change. Mom can do all she can to help my sister, but she cannot force my sister to understand what accountability is if she simply refuses to learn. Harsher punishments won't force her to understand anything either. It would just make everything worse.

My sister has been professionally diagnosed with:
- Oppositional Defiant Disorder
- Reactive Attachment Disorder
- Major Depression

I also believe my sister has PTSD, but no professional has given her that diagnosis. Mom told me that maybe you have to be 18 to be diagnosed with it. Normally, since I'm not a professional, diagnosing other people is irresponsible and I know I shouldn't do it. However, the only reason I've done it with my sister is because she's been through so much pre-adoption that of course she has a trauma disorder and I've overheard emotional and verbal responses from my sister that sound like she has been heavily triggered. PTSD doesn't mix well with some of her other diagnoses.

My sister denies anything traumatizing happened to her pre-adoption. Uh, yes, a lot happened. My dad and brother couldn't have traumatized her if she wasn't already traumatized when she came to the US. Given my sister's past and professional diagnoses, she provoked my brother into doing what I believe scarred her for life.

In my dad's case, he's harder to defend, because he's far less understanding compared to my brother. My brother has a history of anger management issues so he initially did his best to help her and it blew up in his face.

With my dad, however, his inability to understand has resulted in some unpleasant approaches to dealing with my sister's behavior. I don't think my dad is as bad as my sister thinks he is, but I cannot in good conscience say he's done nothing wrong. My brother did some things wrong too and he understands that. Meanwhile, my dad is just frustrated from being vilified all the time. He's terrified that he'll be arrested at some point so he keeps his distance to, hopefully, avoid that.

And then there's me. I share a last name with them. So, allegedly, I must be on their side and she hates me just for the last name I have. My mom only brought this up as a possibility. She doesn't actually know why my sister doesn't like me.

posted August 01, 2023 02:39 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by teasel:
Just popping in. I had a lot of dreams today, and hypatia was in one of them. I can’t remember why, except that she’d come to my house for some reason (different house), and we chatted. I was embarrassed, because the place was a mess, but she ignored it. It was just a nice blip of a dream, in a world of strange ones the rest of the time.

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Hugs

that is so cool Teasel

posted August 02, 2023 11:23 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Librapurr:
Saturn in Pisces, Uranus, Jupiter 7th, Venus RX Chiron and Sun in hard to Mercury and Moon.
I don’t know why friends are often drama in my life more than everything else.🙀

I felt much heaviness in my body like a bag of rocks I needed to carry.
I thought why it’s so hard and heavy with a friend. We already broke up, but it didn’t feel like the ending. A quick thought came to my mind that because I don’t want to be her friend anymore. And that heaviness left my body. I felt much lighter. Right after, she called one time, I didn’t pick up. She wanted the ending herself.

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Ugh I'm very sorry. That sucks. In my opinion life already has enough BS and drama in it. Hopefully friends can be kind of an escape from that.

I have a mixed bag with my 11th house. I have an Aquarius stellilum. Uranus dominant also.

I had a friend breakup at the end of June I think. One girl that we were both friends with wanted to get the tea from me. But I was not having it because I want the person to just leave me alone. Those two are so on and off with each other. My gut knew better. I could tell I hurt her feelings. I feel bad that she needs to give someone like that they time of day. And I felt bad for myself for being friends with someone like that.

posted August 02, 2023 04:07 PM            

Trans Mercury squaring natal Uranus. An unpredictable situation that is coming. Unforeseen events as Mercury gets closer to Uranus.

Tran Sun squaring natal Sat (applying). Delays here or obstacles. I want to see what this is about.

My natal Ura is very sensitive to transits. Planets parallel to my Asc/Dsc axis are felt.

Transiting Mars is inching to form a contra parallel aspect with natal Mars. Issues of contention coming up.

posted August 03, 2023 10:49 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Stawr:
Ugh I'm very sorry. That sucks. In my opinion life already has enough BS and drama in it. Hopefully friends can be kind of an escape from that.

I have a mixed bag with my 11th house. I have an Aquarius stellilum. Uranus dominant also.

I had a friend breakup at the end of June I think. One girl that we were both friends with wanted to get the tea from me. But I was not having it because I want the person to just leave me alone. Those two are so on and off with each other. My gut knew better. I could tell I hurt her feelings. I feel bad that she needs to give someone like that they time of day. And I felt bad for myself for being friends with someone like that.

I think it is so important to have friends from different circles. Because you just never know. I like a lot of freedom in my friendships. Once a friend starts acting like they need the level of attention of a significant other, or a family member...I want to run.

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11th house apparently also for me, even I doubt my AC,something still should be there, also afflicted with Uranus. I’m struggling to find a nice fun friend outlet. I usually try to put some distance as to avoid much common business as I get enough drama without it, but they still manage to bring it on.

posted August 03, 2023 11:05 AM            

And transiting Venus is rx
Chiron is rx
Pluto is rx

posted August 03, 2023 01:07 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Librapurr:
11th house apparently also for me, even I doubt my AC,something still should be there, also afflicted with Uranus. I’m struggling to find a nice fun friend outlet. I usually try to put some distance as to avoid much common business as I get enough drama without it, but they still manage to bring it on.

Yes, I’ve had the different circles idea from the teenhood. I didn’t need to put actual effort for it as most of my friends had natural repelling toward each other, even hate lol
I had enough problems with them separately. I would drive me insane if they would hang together.

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wishing you the best!

I am thinking of rallying up some other girls I know to go vintage/second hand shopping soon.