posted June 28, 2020 10:05 PM            

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Originally posted by PixieJane:
If possible, could you ask what his reasoning is, and why he hates chores?

I ask because I know the type well from when I volunteered with a homeless program. A sizeable minority (NOT the norm) were like him. Sometimes a 2 minute chore could get them all sorts of benefits (including a place to sleep for the night with dinner and breakfast) but they'd try to either con their way out of it, or get someone else to do it. What was most mystifying to me is that it took MORE WORK to get out of a chore, and quite often he ended up having to do it anyway. But they'd do it over and over despite simply doing a chore would be so much faster, easier, less stressful, and they typically got a lot more in return for it than a professional janitor would while also held only to minimal standards.

I could not ask because I was an authority figure who enforced the rules on that (and if someone else was conned into doing the work then I did what I could to make sure the person who actually did the chore got something out of it rather than the person who was supposed to have done it), and they weren't going to admit to it. At least you seem to have a dialog going on between equals, so maybe you might.

It was mostly men which made me wonder if they saw it as effiminate and/or submissive, that is it somehow feels emasculating to them (being a "man-maid"), though men in the military are typically held to much higher standards of cleanliness of their appearance and property than most women are, and it's hard to get more masculine in our culture than military. ('Course this doesn't explain the women who can be the same way, but they were much more rare.)

Another possibility is that it is seen as punishment. From parents to the military, extra chores can be a punishment. I would guess that as children they got an allowance just for existing rather than for doing their chores, and now in addition to feeling entitled, they may also feel guilty (or have unpleasant memories) when doing any chore, because to them doing chores meant to "admitting to doing something wrong."

Another possibility is that they did do chores but it was never good enough, as they had the misfortune to be raised (or commanded) by a bully, so that doing any chore creates incredible anxiety.

It's just completely irrational to me, and I can only guess as to what's behind it. If he's willing to share his own aversion to it, I'd be very curious to know!

(Also, how can sitting on a couch watching the phone for hours be fun? I'd think that would get so boring they'd rather do anything else, including quick chores. Heck, many people get upset reading their phones which just furthers my confusion about the addiction.)

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Oh my gosh the homeless story is hilarious!

I kind of wondered about the childhood playing into it. His family was stricter than mine. His mom can be the overbearing type in the family in general.
He told me when he was a kid if he had a snow day his mom would pretty much assign him chores to do.
She would want him to dress super nice for job interviews at pizza places.
When we dog sat his sisters dogs, she would text him things he could do around his sisters house. Like pull her weeds etc. He did not budge, he will listen to his mom a lot but he is done with that as an adult. But yeah we joked about that together as if he could be promoted from dog sitting.

Yeah he really has a problem with me telling him what to clean. It's like he is afraid that I am going to manipulate him into a Cinderella.

I talked to him on the phone for an hour and a half yesterday.

I had to tell him that I am not trying to Cinderella him, and that he can stop acting like I am being the evil step mom when I ask him to do SOMETHING. I think he is afraid that if he complies that my bossiness will just flood gate open.

Yeah I am really starting to see some toxic masculinity with cleaning roles in the relationship. I have said this to his face, that I feel like he is one of those guys that thinks feminism equates to women just do everything now as in fierce career woman and domestic goddess. While men get to just be lazy and detach because they work and are handy sometimes.

My sister told me a long time ago once you do something for a guy they will expect it every time. For her it was cooking.

It's like if I did something once he just stopped doing it like it was some unspoken rule.
I will say "why is it always me that takes out the trash now? Why is it always me who cleans the bathtub now!?"
He actually said I should clean the bathtub because I'm the only one who takes baths in it and that makes the bathtub more dirty.
Then I flipped out and said "why does it bother you so much to do nice things for me!!??"
I brought up how when I was less busy I would clean up and straighten up his shoes, do his dishes before I moved in and how he didn't have a problem with me overstepping doing nice things that are his turf.

The first time I complained about him not doing anything two Christmases ago when he took time off. He was upset that I would complain about that when that was his vacation. Well he doesn't dare now since I have various examples how I am not lazy the whole time I have a vacation.

I of course brought up how he stared at his phone for four hours before we went bowling with his dads side. He did not deny it. I told him that it is okay to stare at his phone a long time. I do it too. But when it goes on for four hours...that is really not fair to me. It does not bother me if he relaxes. Because he really doesn't seem to know that.
And yeah I also told him I am done putting up with his BS.

The result of confronting this conflict yesterday was he said he want to do and be better for me, but to stop texting him things to do when he is home.
I only asked him to do ONE thing by the way, and he will be home on Saturday.
So yes it is very apparent that me telling him things to do really bothers him. Yeah he might be taking his mommy issues out on me. He has a good relationship with his mom, but he does have certain things that he is not fully over.

posted June 29, 2020 02:48 PM            

I remember now that I saw professionals cleaning the lot of a Catholic church that I used to live by. There was a dumpster right by the fence where someone let their dog dump on the sidewalk and not pick it up (I do know one person who did that was a woman--and I did pick it up but rather than throwing it away I dumped it on her doorstep). I later find out that because the dog crap was HALF WAY onto their property, they CUT IT IN HALF before picking what was on their property up.

Like WTF? Is there no professional pride? Wasn't it harder to do it that way than just to shovel it up? I found it easy enough to use a bag (the hardest part was getting the bag a couple of blocks away) and dumping it right in the dumpster.

I really don't understand people.

I'm also thinking of the guy who kept inviting me to watch Voyager with him. I'm just not a big fan, though. But I did once, and the commercials went on for SO LONG (and were automatically louder than the show so I could instantly tell when they ended for a story break within their relentless advertising) that I actually used the time to wash his dishes. Why? Because I was so friggin bored. That's probably why he invited me back.

posted June 30, 2020 09:04 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by PixieJane:
Thanks for looking into it. If you learn more, please share.

I remember now that I saw professionals cleaning the lot of a Catholic church that I used to live by. There was a dumpster right by the fence where someone let their dog dump on the sidewalk and not pick it up (I do know one person who did that was a woman--and I did pick it up but rather than throwing it away I dumped it on her doorstep). I later find out that because the dog crap was HALF WAY onto their property, they CUT IT IN HALF before picking what was on their property up.

Like WTF? Is there no professional pride? Wasn't it harder to do it that way than just to shovel it up? I found it easy enough to use a bag (the hardest part was getting the bag a couple of blocks away) and dumping it right in the dumpster.

I really don't understand people.

I'm also thinking of the guy who kept inviting me to watch Voyager with him. I'm just not a big fan, though. But I did once, and the commercials went on for SO LONG (and were automatically louder than the show so I could instantly tell when they ended for a story break within their relentless advertising) that I actually used the time to wash his dishes. Why? Because I was so friggin bored. That's probably why he invited me back.

ETA: I forgot to mention that one thing that did annoy me when I was a volunteer with the homeless. The coffee machine was such a mess that I couldn't help but give it a good cleaning (I don't even drink coffee), and then yeah, it was like my job for then on until I left. I did show enough people how to do it (it's easy enough) so hopefully it was kept clean after I stopped volunteering there.

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People not picking up their dog's poop at my apartment use to be a huge problem! On the side walk sometimes! I stepped in it one day before work.

Ugh that's like when I cleaned the butterfly houses at my first job. I would get told that it was requested that I do it. When the part time preschool was over and they had all of the assistants clean. I was still being an assistant teacher with the full day kids. Butterflies left a weird red residue. But I was like are you kidding me. You help children with pull ups and accidents but you are too good to clean out red butterfly stains!!?
And one year I had two women get really PO at me because when I came in to clean I was pulled out to help in the full day class that was still going. I was like verbally attacked by two females. Because they were doing cleaning for two weeks and were sick of it. One lady verbally attacked me in front of the director. This director was golden and took her aside to tell her that was wrong the lady cried and apologized to me. These ladies don't really need the money and were sick of the cleaning to close the classrooms being dragged out and just wanted it to be their summer vacation. BS cleaning jobs are such easy money. Getting paid to BS and clean. First world problems. I would be an assistant teacher again in a heart beat if they actually made a livable wage. Typically it is such easy money.

posted August 25, 2020 05:09 PM            

Gotta say I'm grudgingly and morbidly impressed that they have such stamina on a topic. You think they'd care more about masks at this point.

posted August 29, 2020 01:49 PM            

I actually wore a dress again the next day. Because that's what was lined up in my closet. And dresses and skirts are more comfortable for me to wear most of the time. I was in a mood of why should I take extra time out of my day to find something more people pleasing to wear? But I was a little on edge, and wondered if she would behave aggressively because I had the audacity to dress "nice" again.

She actually wasn't aggressive and was very friendly to me, so that make me feel more at ease.

About the masks, the assistant director was wearing her mask wrong for two meeting in a row with her nose out. No one said anything, but we were all thinking it! After the meeting me and two other teachers talked about it behind her back. But if I did that, I just know that everyone would of told me to my face that I am wearing my mask wrong.

Yeah I don't know, maybe because teachers usually dress down more for class room set up, but these nicer clothes of mine have just been sitting in my closet.

Thank you I thought so too that she is asking for a lawsuit. One day she told me my shoes looked like slippers in February. And I've worn these shoes to work before, and she said nothing.

Yeah hopefully all these Capricorn planets squaring her Sun on and off are making her get over her petty issues with me.

Just like how I got to deal with women having issues with me for dumb reasons.

I have been starting to become more aware that immigrant and non-white races and cultures have more pressure to conform and not stand out when coming to America. She might be a second or third generation from the Philippines. Because unfortunately a lot of people will be discriminated if they dress like the "old country" I sometimes wonder if that plays into it.

posted August 31, 2020 05:54 PM              

Yes, there may be projection, I had a similar experience a few years ago with a woman who also has non-white blood (though different than mine) and she absolutely had me, and others, pay for what she perceived as our lesser efforts.
It happens.
None of this deserves other than your flipped finger.

Sadly, teaching and other human endeavours suffer from those pesky attitudes even more than classic offices (something most people don't get, it's more difficult to stoic-Terminator your way through days of arseholes when your job amounts to be authentic with children, than it is when you file lawyers' reports or do bookkeeping).

posted August 31, 2020 06:06 PM              

His cowardice annoys me because in real life I could call the cops if someone engaged that way beyond my consent, or go rogue and **** him up myself (I have zero tolerance for harassment since my rape), but it's the net, so he can keep on following my posts and trolling and posting... I haven't even read his comments for a while to be honest, I've had enough to know it's unimpressive "argumentatively" speaking, but his manipulation of my charts feels like rape, he allows himself, despite my repeated absence of consent, to touch something of mine and drool his will to engage, his disguting thoughts and words on it.
He revulses me and I don't feel safe posting anymore as he has clearly shown in the past that he'll follow his will only with no respect for others' wishes to keep distances.

posted September 20, 2020 02:29 AM            

And I am fed up with kids around 6 years old waking me up almost every night from bouncing off the walls between the hours of 9pm-2am.
It been affecting my health.

I tried contacting maintenance. I tried talking to their grandma first who is basically raising them.

posted October 25, 2020 03:15 AM            

I’m venting about this potential concern, c’est la vie. Better safe than sorry, conscious approach. Including quotes about trust below:

“To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.” George MacDonald

“Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.” — William Shakespeare

“Never trust the advice of a man in difficulties.” – Aesop

“Only trust thyself, and another shall not betray thee.” – William Penn

“Trust your instinct to the end, though you can render no reason.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

“There’s never a reason to trust someone. If there’s a reason, then it’s not trust.” – Gerald Morris

“The senses deceive from time to time, and it is prudent never to trust wholly those who have deceived us even once.” – Rene Descates

“Take no one’s word for anything, including mine – but trust your experience.” – James Baldwin

posted December 10, 2020 04:18 PM            

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Frenemies. I think I have a few ..

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posted December 10, 2020 04:18 PM            

I’m going to lay down and read a book (on dreaming) get my mind off existence.