posted March 20, 2009 07:11 AM         

My scenario that I will put to you involves opinions and advice - two things that I try not to give unless asked for, though seem to give them sometimes anyway.

Having said that, it is of course up to you to ignore or reflect on what I am going to tell you so I'll leave that for you to decide.

Firstly, I do like what the others have written, people do care about you and others here. In particular, I think peaceangel is absolutely spot on. You are those qualities you describe and they shine from you.

Ok, so...

I think you are in a state of shock over something and it may have to do with your writing and an older male or body/authority. Consequently, I think you are emotionally fragile at present because creative writing from your core is so integral to your days - so when someone is critical or unenthusiastic, it can be quite a blow. That's to be expected. People with passion will put their heart and soul into their efforts and it is distressing when others seem to be saying 'your heart and soul is not good enough'. Well of course that is not true - this is one of those trials that you will have, try not to focus on the rewards you would like to see or the recognition - keep your passions but apply yourself into them for you and for others you want to share them with. The negatives are asking you to centre your motivations - I believe.

At the moment, you may feel like you are a bit lost, fearful and lacking direction - you are after a life line - an unsettling sensation however, so you must create a life line as a starting point. Visualise where you would 'be happy' to see yourself in 5 yrs from now. I know that sounds like standard motivational crap but I think it has its value. I think we do have an accessible 'blueprint' even if only we access it in vague impressions - this is a good start. The visualisation is not one of those 'I'm gonna have a million bucks, and la la la...", though it might be, but I think you have to close your eyes and get just a couple of ideas and write them down or keep them in mind - you may be surprised. I don't want to sway you on this but I think there is a local connection you can make with a group of like-minded people. When I say local I mean what you think of as 'local' this may not be current local. It's the area that comes to mind when you think of what is local. This group has something to do with - now I don't know how this will fit in but it seems to be tall alternative energy systems - I'm not quite sure if its big windmills or something a bit different. I think it might have been invented in Europe. If this is inapplicable or confusing then just set it aside.

Next, I'm seeing a very, very long list of precepts/principles that you are trying to somehow live by and its got like one hundred points or more on the list. I'm telling you seriously now and this is the crux...choose 3 only, and I'm talking literally, 3 attributes that you would like to incorporate - forget the rest, they will take care of themselves - you put yourself under terrible pressure and it is way too much of a load on you - so only 3 - OK!

Next, you might be annoyed at this but I have to include it. Get some kind of a mindset that you need to incorporate reasonably arduous exercise, for a number of reasons - it will balance some of your emotions and ease up the feeling that you are living on your nerves. What I get a glimpse of is probably climbing/strenuous walking in natural settings - you may be only able to figure this in every 3 weeks but you have to try to in some capacity. You will need a pack and you may be able to go with others.

So, yes make a start, if not on what I have suggested then get something that incorporates this kind of thing. Also, I think you need a mentor, and he needs to be in the flesh, not online, I think someone involved with counselling drug addicts - I'm definitely not pointing out this for the drugs factor but what I am saying is that this guy(I think) has a lot of experience with helping people with sorting out their thoughts, instead of letting them run round and around with no one seeming to be there to understand.

Also, its true that you could look for those qualities in a partner, that we all see in you and try and satisfy that longing by revelling in yourself - however, you appear to need the warmth of someone, but you have been slowly boxing yourself in to a tight corner - it all seems too impossible for you. Initially give yourself a bit of space - widen that confine that you are bit by bit pulling in tightly around you. Make a start with those activities and hopefully on some level this will widen your horizons, so to speak, and the physical aspect will help to regain some physical confidence - I'm not talking about tone or whatever, but physical confidence as a result of negotiating an arduous activity - it will bring you out of yourself - Merc/Mars in Sag will have to love that.

Finally, now the future is bright for you, but you're changing...I can relate to your thinking to a certain degree - sometimes you think you have thought and thought and observed and thought from all angles - and you might think you have most of the answers for you in terms of what will and won't work, etc - the trouble is often you are right perhaps(Scorp MC) with detecting underlying patterns and outcomes. The thing is though, what I am seeing is there are facets to your life and your personality, confidence levels, abilities, that are going to swing in. It will be the kind of thing that you won't notice until you are so far along and suddenly realize "I've changed, I see things from a different perspective - and I didn't think that would happen" - that kind of thing.

So yeah take heart, you're going to be churned around and spat out of this tumbler you're in somewhere along the line. You are too likeable to be an outcast!

A toon for ya...you being all heart shaped and everything...lol
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KX4jAplZb0Y

posted March 20, 2009 09:21 AM         

I'm sorry.

I guess all I was trying to tell you is "I understand".

I long to find someone to give me the love I need too....but I am beginning to lose hope.

I guess I could go on a diet and try and get some money together to buy myself some nice clothes to increase my chances of finding someone. But then again....what's the point. What I really want is someone to love me for who I am inside.

But nobody does....I'm too much hard work.....because I am so emotionally intense and think too much.

Most love is shallow and fickle.

But I know that true love does exist.
My sister told me that she knew a woman who had an incurable condition which caused her skin to be covered in blisters. Her husband, on the other hand, was physically handsome. He loved her deeply.

Those are the kind of relationships that inspire me and give me hope. People who love deeply enough to seek a chemistry of the soul. I wish I could find the right man for me. But my life is too complicated anyway. Even if I did meet someone I would then have to worry about whether my son's father would stop me seeing the boys again. He doesn't want me to meet anybody else and has even started being weird with me lately because he knows I have the internet again and am able to talk to people through it. He just wants me to be somebody I'm not. I don't know.

Sorry...just needed to rant here.

posted March 20, 2009 09:41 AM         

Willy Wonka:

Hold your breath
Make a wish
Count to three

Come with me
And you'll be
In a world of
Pure imagination
Take a look
And you'll see
Into your imagination

We'll begin
With a spin
Traveling in
The world of my creation
What we'll see
Will defy
Explanation

If you want to view paradise
Simply look around and view it
Anything you want to, do it
Wanta change the world?
There's nothing
To it

There is no
Life I know
To compare with
Pure imagination
Living there
You'll be free
If you truly wish to be

If you want to view paradise
Simply look around and view it
Anything you want to, do it
Wanta change the world?
There's nothing
To it

There is no
Life I know
To compare with
Pure imagination
Living there
You'll be free
If you truly
Wish to be

posted March 20, 2009 09:50 AM         

quote:

---

one bit was "despair...is a cardinal sin!" and another

napoleon said - there is no such word in the french language as impossible

---

"Despair is the price one pays for setting oneself an impossible aim.
It is, one is told, the unforgivable sin, but it is a sin the corrupt or evil man never practices.
He always has hope. He never reaches the freezing-point of knowing absolute failure.
Only the man of goodwill carries always in his heart this capacity for damnation."

posted March 20, 2009 10:03 AM         

quote:

---

Only you have the power to rescue yourself. I believe you are aware of that.

---

And that is why you are arrogant and presumptuous.
I am telling you straight up, I do not believe that.
And you continue to insist, without providing evidence,
that not only is it up to me, but i know it is up to me,
and I am being dishonest with myself about this.
That is indeed arrogant, condescending, and judgemental.

You seem incapable of recognizing the fact that people
are governed by forces far bigger and deeper than
anything they can shake the stick of consciousness at.
The fact of the matter is, you dont know anything about me or this,
but, instead of having compassion and admitting your ignorance,
you would rather make condescending, unsupported statements
and try to appear like some sort of authority here.

posted March 20, 2009 10:10 AM         

That's enough now. Everyone.

Stephen, I hope you find the love you need. Whether it be from a higher source, from yourself or from someone else or a combination of these.

posted March 20, 2009 10:11 AM         

I'm not interested in hearing people's opinions of what "Spirit" is like.

If you read it in some New Age book somewhere, keep it to yourself.

Unless you have solid logic and evidence to submit for scrutiny,
please, keep that bubblegum bullsh-t to yourselves,
and stop using your beliefs as an excuse to judge me
and make yourselves out to be more evolved than I am.

I'm sure what I am looking for is inside myself, PeaceAngel.
But I suspect the decades of meditation required to integrate
would be far more difficult than what I am attempting now.
I've barely got enough strength to look outside myself.

posted March 20, 2009 10:14 AM         

I dont know what moron would think it was serious,
but, if someone is dumb enough to take that literally,
well,... good riddance. One less moron in traffic.
And, who knows, maybe he will be happier on the other side,
and maybe people will be happier with him gone.

posted March 20, 2009 10:19 AM         

quote:

---

I've barely got enough strength to look outside myself.

---

Two things to say to that.

1. I know that place - far too well, unfortunately.

posted March 20, 2009 10:22 AM         

Mars tightly conjunct Mercury

in Sagittarius!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

in the 12th house!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now talk to me about focus, lol.

Oh, and did i mention Uranus is exactly conjunct my Midheaven,
and conjunct my Venus by less than one degree and my Sun by less than 3?

Do you know how much nervous mental energy is shown in those placements and aspects??

"Go within", lol
you know what is within?
The 12th house.
I've been there most of my life.
Its bigger than anything out there.
You get lost before you get found,
and you are lucky if you do get found.

"Rely on myself," lol
You know where I am?
I'm in that 12th house,
for the most part.

I believe meditation works for the ones who can do it.
And for the rest of us, we may not be ready to encounter ourselves, lol.
Or maybe we are already encountering ourselves too much?

posted March 20, 2009 10:25 AM         

I have North Node in Pisces in 12th house.

I have Moon square Saturn and Mars.

I have Moon trine Uranus.

Uranus on DC, oppsosite Chiron, AC and Sun.

Chiron (in 12th) conjunct Sun (in 1st) and AC.

Jupiter opposite Saturn. That's a great balancing act.

posted March 20, 2009 10:27 AM         

quote:

---

yes, my emotions do shift rapidly and dramatically

---

posted March 20, 2009 10:29 AM         

Stellium in Scorpio

Pisces SOUTH Node (try that one on)

Capricorn Ascendant Square Pluto

Moon Conjunct Ascendant and Semi-square Neptune (ruling the 7th house)

Pluto Semi-square Mars/Mercury

Saturn square Mars/Mercury

Sun and Moon both parallel Uranus

Chrion square Moon and opposite Sun

posted March 20, 2009 10:32 AM         

the emotions are always coming up

and they are impossible to get a handle on

thoughts race, trying to keep up, but its all emotional.

posted March 20, 2009 10:37 AM         

Neptune is a tricky little ****** because it's that edge - that sits on that fine line that is either fantasy/illusion or high spirituality. But which one?