posted March 20, 2009 08:18 PM         

i just know i can't do these classes. classes i was so excited about and that are so interesting to me.
for some reason, for the last few weeks i can do nothing.
i barely shower.

i got on depression meds after christmas and they helped for a while or something helped for a while.
but i'm back to no motivation.
and i am losing hope.
or have lost hope.
so maybe the thread is for me.
i have been searching here for days
trying to find something
anything
guidance
light
a sign
help

shrug and sigh
everything sucks
and i give up
and if i give up ...
well
i don't h ave to think of that right now
i guess
and i'm sick

and things that used to make me happy don't
anymore

i thought about making a thread
but i didn't think anyone would care
or they would try to care when they had troubles of their own and i would just be drawing energy like a vampire
i feel like a vampire

i am to the point where i have thought that i should just find a guy who likes me and marry him so he will take care of me and my daughter so i can rest
even if i don't have any connection to him

at least i would have security for my daughter and i could rest for a while.

i hate myself for even thinking those things
i tell myself what a piece of crap i am for not being able to do what i need to do or be "normal"
today i have been beating myself up for making some sort of mistake somewhere in my youth that led me away from a path so many others have taken that seems to be at least slightly working for them...
but that is not the way i usually feel
or what i usually think
so i have been questioning my sanity and how much i could have possibly deluded myself

i might have started convincing myself i was totally crazy had i not started watching a show called "The Doctors" that featured plastic surgery and people getting fat suctioned out of their body.
then i remembered that the path many people are on in this physical existence is still not the path i want, even if it means enough money for a nice house and nice car and nice surgery to perfect my body.

i guess i'd rather perfect my soul
and i guess that is probably what i am doing
even if i can't see it right now

posted March 20, 2009 08:19 PM         

quote:

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I'm starting to wonder about those pysch evaluations.

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posted March 20, 2009 08:24 PM         

quote:

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Astrology isn't the "simplest terms" for me, HSC. I appreciate that you're well-versed in the art. I'm not. That doesn't mean I'm thick. It just means I don't speak that language.

---

I know. The simplest terms were, "I am terminally love-sick,"

You wanted more. I gave you a language of hidden things.

You want to know secrets, go read the interpretations of these things.

But if you dont understand me when I tell you, how will you read it in the chart?

quote:

---

You don't need to prove your emotional needs by laying down that astro resume. Just saying "I really need intimacy" will suffice.

---

My apologies.
I thought you were caught up.

quote:

---

If you were speaking to someone who was astrologically fluent, sharing astrological data would surely help to further explain your persona, but, as you know, I don't. So, as much as I'd like to better understand where and what Chiron is doing doesn't help me.

---

I feel for you.
There are interpretations all over the web,
if it bothers you enough to Google.

posted March 20, 2009 08:30 PM         

You know that, so stop lying to yourself.

Stop looking for attention and do something.

JUST KIDDING.

I hear you.

I feel you.

I wish there was something I could do.

All I can do is tell you that you are a very special person,
and it hurts me to see you unhappy in this world.

I know what that sadness and loneliness feels like.

And nothing I say is guaranteed to hold a key for you.

But I want you to know that I do care. And I always think of you.

You are a good person and a smart and loving person. You are special in so many ways.

posted March 20, 2009 08:33 PM         

Melody is so brave for sharing her pain with us like this.

I'm glad she felt comfortable enough to do that.

If I had any part in making that possible, I am very grateful.

I hope you will all respect her, and not swamp her with a bunch of bull.

posted March 20, 2009 08:34 PM         

No, I'm not caught up. I don't visit LL all that often, so I don't know the details of your current situation. I was surprised that you felt so distressed by the lack of a girlfriend. I'm sorry for being intrusive and asking.

You know, on second thought maybe I'll keep that birth info to myself. You're pretty good at tearing me apart without it. Why give you more ammo?

posted March 20, 2009 08:37 PM         

Look, didnt you say something about giving me a break right now?

Yes, I am this distraught over a lack of a girlfriend.

I am not the only person who need insulin... oops, i mean, intimacy.

I'm sorry if I made you feel dumb. I feel defensive as hell right now.

posted March 20, 2009 08:42 PM         

I'm so sorry and I know the added difficulties these feelings bring when you have a child. Being unable to function is bad enough. Feeling unable to function when you have small children to take care of can be a real vicious circle of guilt and sadness.

I know you've been a true comfort to many posters here. I trust that comfort will find its way back to you.

posted March 20, 2009 08:49 PM         

Feeling defensive right now is totally understandable. I'll leave you to fight it out with the unsympathetic, non-water signs.

posted March 20, 2009 08:51 PM         

Can you imagine if she had an inner child to care for, in addition to the outer?

Even one child, inner or outer, is enough, but at least an outer child can give you a moment's rest.

And, God bless her, she has that lovely Libran tint to her glasses.

She is always trying to make me see the world in more idealistic ways.

Sometimes I wish I had that kind of faith and attraction to the brighter side.

quote:

---

I know you've been a true comfort to many posters here. I trust that comfort will find its way back to you.

---

It hasnt found its way back to her so far, has it, TINK. lol

But I'm sure it will now. Everyone will rush to comfort her, just to snub me, lol.

posted March 20, 2009 08:54 PM         

i do what i can.

posted March 20, 2009 09:04 PM         

i am well aware that i am humbling myself to show my flaws to you.

do you think that restating them (stating the obvious),
in the most unflattering terms, is necessary?

do you imagine that you are speaking the truth?
you are saying what every other coldblooded person says.

other people have said other things. other people have called it strength.

is nothing important enough to you to rant about it, the way i rant about love?

Isnt it unfortuneate that people are so heartless,
one really has to grovel, in order to get an ounce of understanding?

Someday it wont be like this.

Someday the heartless will be the minority.

posted March 20, 2009 09:09 PM         

quote:

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It makes sense that he was an air sign,
since they can have trouble identifying and expressing their emotions.

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posted March 20, 2009 09:12 PM         

Was it rude of me to say what every astrology book known to man has said about air signs?

You did note the word "can", didnt you?

I dont understand your point.

But, thank you.

posted March 20, 2009 09:18 PM         

i can identify with that

posted March 20, 2009 09:19 PM         

but there's that Libran tint i spoke of.

then again.. maybe you are right.

posted March 20, 2009 09:25 PM         

i am a wild steve whisperer

when i am strong

but i do care about you too.
you are strong
emotionally strong

you can be the man you want to be
in that realm
when i get emotional is when i am in danger of falling.
you are at home
a water creature

posted March 20, 2009 09:39 PM         

i just dont let things go as much.

And I'll stand up for a cause I know is unpopular,
and likely to get me into fights.

And I won't back down.

No matter how unpopular and revolutionary my idea is.

I just challenge people to expand their understanding.

People hate it when you do that.

posted March 20, 2009 09:42 PM         

I understand far too well what you are going through and that hurts....If you need somewhere to vent you are welcome to vent with me...I won't try and give any advice...I can just listen...never mind if we haven't always got along...it's trivial now.

Things will get better.