posted March 20, 2009 11:15 PM         

I dont know what to tell you. I am obsessed with finding a partner.

At different times, I have been tentatively diagnosed with a variety of disorders,
including ADD, Asperger's, Major Depression, Bi-Polar, Social Anxiety,
and several personality disorders with names I'd rather not mention.

posted March 20, 2009 11:17 PM         

Good point.

posted March 20, 2009 11:23 PM         

Psilocybin mushrooms have also been known to work wonders.

I can feel calmer and more clear-headed for a week after taking mushrooms.

posted March 20, 2009 11:28 PM         

Have you never gone shroomie-picking out in the fields??

sunshine, here's your pic 800x600:

http://i389.photobucket.com/albums/oo335/Azalaksh/sunshine9s_sunshine.jpg

posted March 20, 2009 11:31 PM         

I never really shared this with anyone but I was never really suppose to be here. I was suppose to be planned abortion but my mother missed the date and after a certain amount of time, you become a being in this world. Is that not funny? I was nothing to my young 18 year old Pisces Mother and they say Pisceans are to be the most loving and universal..., I had no existance before she missed the date. When I was born a Virgo the opposite of a Pisces, she took care of me for awhile but I began to "burden" her and she gave me up on family and I was raised by my aunts and she was out living her life, her wants, her needs and I was left with an ever growing void. She eventaully began to have seizures and people told me she had been having them since my difficult birth, I blame myself for her suffering and I took care of her but she still managed to physically and emotionally abused me but I thought she did this out of love, she hurts me because she loves me so much and I deserve every ******* hit, every ******* "I hate you ugly piece of **** daughter, I wish I had aborted you.." and when I came out as a lesbian, she was disgusted with me...

When I got older and moved in with my dad and sister, things did get better but I still felt unloved. I had to go to therapy and they called me the "love starved" child. I always felt unwanted, unaccepted and unloved, I was angry at everyone and even myself. I use to have the most horrible tempermental moods and I have done some horrible things. I feed of everyone and those who did not agree with my suffering could just go **** themselves "Look a-holes I am love starved child, you will never understand my pain, so **** off!" but deep down inside I was screaming "Love me, Accept Me, Want me.." because I never had that and when I did get it I abused and used it, I hurt lots of people in my early wake, especially my Cancer sister, she was secretly being physically abused by her boyfriend and all I ******* cared about was "Me, myself and I", if her boyfriend was beating the **** out of her then what could I do, I was helpless and stupid.

Last year I broke down, I commited suicide my taking 3 bottles of outdated 500 mg lithium for my grandfather's bipolar disorder, which brings up the fact my grandfather lost his wife in a car accident after that he snapped and he bacame a cocaine addicts and he stole from his family, he went as far as to sell a necklace my best friend gave me for my 7th brithday. This man went without the love of his wife for years and it wasn't until last here, he said enough and now he is getting better.

Anyways I commited suicide, I was rushed to the hospital because my sister found me. I was in a drug induced coma for three days and I was almost close to slipping because I was very weak to begin with at 108 pounds and 5'3 and lack of sleep, from sever depression and self hatred. I was so ******* happy to be existing this ****** up world, I was so ******* happy..but the universe ****** me over and I began to get out of my coma. I didn't want to see my family and friends becase I push everyone away. I only asked for my sketch book and to be left alone.

As I opened my sketch book, I saw page of lil stick people and scribbles and strange texts of kidengarten "I love you Auntie", they were from my two nieces and my nephew. I cried, at 16..a ghetto black teen girl who suppose to have this tough ass street exterior cried like a little ol baby. my whole face was drenched in tears. I had realised, I was selfish **** to think my pain was greater then anyone elses, to think my suffering was above anyone elses. I was wrong, dead..dead wrong..I gathered myself up and told myself that I don't need love, I don't need acceptance, I sure in the hell don't need to be wanted by anyone.

I've got enough love in this heart of mine for myself and others, sure it's not strong and perfect but I am human and I am capable, I went through all this ******** and bliding arrogance, to see this. Thats why I know you can one day to.

posted March 20, 2009 11:43 PM         

You're probably a very strong person, to have made it back all by yourself.

I dont think it was selfish to think you were more unhappy than other people.

It sounds to me like you were more unhappy than many people ever are.

Maybe it was a short transit for you that passed and left you stronger.

I think what I am dealing with is different.

I'm sorry if you think that makes me arrogant.

But we are different. Your experience says nothing about me.

posted March 20, 2009 11:53 PM         

Qigong is very much like reiki, except that you are your OWN reiki master.....

posted March 21, 2009 12:05 AM         

HSC- No you don't have to apologise, it's understandable we all go through different kinds pain but it's that "pain" that makes people similair, even though we all very unique and special in our own ways and my pain is no greater or lesser then yours and anyone's I come into contact with, in the past I would have thought so but now I see we all stuggle.

I took from the universe because I felt it owed me one, I felt entitled to love, happiness, acceptance, and appreciation and in the end it hurt me up to my breaking point. I relied on my needs and wants to fuel me in this world and everyone around me had needs and wants but then when I let of go of "I want love" and "I need love" or "I will die if I am not loved", I changed it into, "I love myself", "I give you my love", "I deserve to be loved as I am..human and growing" "I am alive, when I give love instead of take". Most people think it is completely bonkers or I am smoking dope but the more I release these deep seated complexes the more I begin to feel for people, even my mother.

posted March 21, 2009 12:09 AM         

You can write to me if you like; I want to be here for you.

I just KNOW that things will get better - these seem to be crappy times for everyone - economy's bad, love lives are down. But, when things are rock bottom, there's no place to go but up!!

Steve.. hang in there!

posted March 21, 2009 12:12 AM         

We all struggle more at some times in our lives than others.

And some of us struggle that much all life long.

Not everything is as perfectly balanced as you seem to think.

At least, that's not the way it looks to me.

Have you ever seen what mental patients look like?

I mean, after being treated with electro-shock therapy?

What about the people in Africa we were talking about?

You dont think they suffer more than the average person?

Ever seen photos of holocaust victims? Looked in their eyes?

posted March 21, 2009 12:16 AM         

But the way I see it, your thinking changed because you were changing.
I dont think those thoughts were the cause but the effect of your improvement.
Those thoughts are natural to a person who is emerging from depression into wellness.

I go through that several times a day, to tell you the truth.
It's fascinating watching my thoughts change in front of me.
Must be all that Aqua/Uranian objectivity I have in my chart.

posted March 21, 2009 12:36 AM         

HSC

quote:

---

I was also born in the year and hour of the horse,

---

posted March 21, 2009 12:45 AM         

Right now I am capable of giving the clothes out of my suitcase to a child who doesn't have anything. I am capable of giving a hug to a person who felt broken. I am capable to sit for four hours straight and listen to a mentally ill person talk to me. We are all capable in our own ways, we can all do certain things and we can all put it for a better cause.

If I was alone and a paralyzed person and all I could do was move my mouth, I would still have a purpose. I could write poetry by asking someone write down the words for me. I can see the sunset just outside the window, I would joke with the nurses and the doctors but I also need someone who doesn't believe my suffering is so great because if they thought that, I would be stuck, depressed, and paralyzed because they would be too afraid to engage with me,and pity me.

posted March 21, 2009 12:49 AM         

...healing light...