posted February 01, 2011 08:12 PM            

Rajin, I wish you lots of love in your life. Becoming happier in that area, for anyone, means working with our lives, personalities, and charts, and sometimes changing what's not working. I'm not a fatalist, and I don't believe anything is fixed or fated.

You have Sun in the 8th in Scorpio at a critical degree, and Pluto in your 7th. You tend to be obsessive in general, and very obsessive in love. I know that's not news to you! This guy is setting off that tendency--his Pluto on your DC/Vertex, his stellium on your Pluto.

He has a very mutable and cardinal chart, and he's just not fixed or emotional in the ways you are. His early-Cancer moon (assuming you have an accurate birth time for him) may make him vulnerable to hurt and prone to self-protective tests, but he isn't necessarily attracted to the heaviness and intensity that you like. Sun-Uranus in air means he loves his freedom and wants a lot of it.

It is unfortunate that he can't get it together and stop waffling on what he wants (that's Libra-Cancer), but I don't think it was cowardly to tell you he feels stifled...and I don't agree that it's about wrestling with demons until he finally wants a heavy heavy relationship with a Scorpio forever...I think it's true. The kind of heavy-duty Pluto energy you're putting into this would make him feel stifled. I know how much it hurts to feel obsessed with someone and want a kind of response from them that they're not giving. Posting about it online can give temporary relief, like scratching a rash--having people on the internet say, "I'm sure he does have feelings for you, however he's acting" is a (very) temporary solace, a rash actually heals better when you leave it alone. However he does or doesn't feel, the relationship (or non-relationship) you have now IS the relationship. This is what relating to him feels like, for you.

You both obviously have deep feelings for other--otherwise you wouldn't obsess, otherwise he wouldn't have come back--but you may not be the right match for each other for a long-term one-on-one romantic relationship now.

Part of Pluto/8th house obsession involves the powerful sense that if we just dig deeper, uncover the truth, somehow "get him" to reveal his secret feelings or "get him" to want what we want, then we'll be fulfilled. In your synastry, this is complicated still more by his Neptune in your 8th on your Sun--you have all these fantasies and ideals about how things will be for you.

Part of the hook is not wanting to break the obsession, because you want to come together with great intimacy and intensity, NOT to give that up. It can feel like a very painful trap, and I don't know good advice for getting out of it...but I really like my advice above, about those things to do for yourself. It will take time to break free.

The intense Pluto-Neptune contacts are making him seem very alluring to you, and I'm sure he's an attractive guy. I hope you can find a happiness-making way to either have him in your life or lovingly move on...but it's likely you'll be much happier with a water or earth Sun who does not have Sun-Uranus, does not stimulate your Pluto quite so much, and craves the fidelity, depth, and intensity that you do. Then you two could balance obsessive, intense tendencies with loyalty and stability in the relationship.

You aren't quite ready for that kind of relationship now, I think, because you need to learn to love and care for yourself and tend lovingly to your own needs, instead of focusing all that energy obsessively outside. Once you are more self-contained that way, your partner will be bringing something wonderful into your life, not providing something you feel is missing.

Right now in the trap you're caught in romantically, if this Libra did give you what you wanted, you'd just have to find another place to project that obsession. But you and your Pluto are picking this Libra exactly because you know, unconsciously, that he isn't providing that...so you have the obsessive fantasy that if you "just get him" to really get together with you, you'll feel happy and complete, itch scratched, Pluto satisfied. If you get some kind of proof that he feels a 10th of what you do.

That's different from looking for love or really listening to him. He told you how he's feeling. And it's not about that, anyway, it's about how you work together and whether you make each other happy in the kind of relationship you have now.

What can you do, for yourself, without using him or waiting for him or "getting" him to do or be something, about what YOU'RE feeling?

Like I said:

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The advice I would give would be to improve and free up your life in as many areas as you can that you have some control over. Sometimes, that can indirectly help us break out of romantic holding patterns.

-Make sure you're taking the best possible care of your own heath, getting lots of physical exercise and eating nutritious foods.

-Nourish your senses by going to hear beautiful live music, getting out into nature, seeing beautiful art.

-Stimulate your intellect by studying and learning something new.

-Treat yourself to a good massage.

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I worry that you won't actually try doing those things, that instead you'll keep obsessing about this relationship and getting advice from strangers on the internet. I worry because I am an 8th house Sun too! I KNOW how it can go! Time to change things up, though.

The problem isn't about how he does or doesn't feel or how he's acting or even whether or not you're together...it's about finding a fresh, life-affirming way to work with YOUR emotional patterns so you can get the intensity you crave without this misery.

posted February 01, 2011 08:52 PM            

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What in his chart aspects mine that makes him back away from keeping his word?

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I think that's less about your synastry and more about his natal chart--the Libra stellium, Gemini rising, and his Cancer moon is almost trying to inch back into Gemini, if there's any doubt on his birth time, I wouldn't be surprised if it's Gemini too.

I think he would be the way you're describing in ANY relationship. With Mars in Cap, he does go for what he wants (although a direct path to it is complicated by the rest of his chart), but he isn't always sure what that is.

The synastry accounts more for why you take it so hard but keep entangled with him, instead of moving on.

Life experience is a waaayyy more useful tool than astrology, IMO. Obsessing over charts to explain his behavior isn't as relevent as the fact that the dynamic between you is unhappy for you. Imagine that you had the best synastry ever in the world and seventeen strangers on the internet were saying, "You're Destined to be together!" The FACT that he is not in touch, told you he feels stifled, and keeps coming back into your life and then letting you down multiple times is way more important than what someone online believes motivates him, I think. You can tell so much by what's going on in real life.

posted February 01, 2011 09:03 PM            

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also, the other thing I cant understand is if we are so incompatible why does the universe keep on bringing us back together againa and again? He is unable to let go too like me. I am learning that I have to tone down my obsessive behaviour. what does he have to learn?Unless he has a lesson to learn from me why does he keep coming back if I have served whatever purpose in his life?

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What he has to learn is his to learn. It would be different if you felt happy and fulfilled and thought your life was going great...but right now, instead of attending to yourself and improving your life, you're obsessing about him.

I'm not a big fatalist, I don't think the universe has some petty, linear masterplan. He came back because he feels some attraction and interest, pulled away because he feels ambivalent and stifled. My guess is that he has mixed feelings about the way that Pluto intensity touches his Sun. He feels drawn to it, then weighed down.

Your Pluto/obsession wants to make it into a much, much bigger thing than that, to make it more intense and all Fated...because it's way easier to focus on that fantasy of completion than to take a raw look at your life overall.

posted February 01, 2011 09:06 PM            

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So is there no way to make this relationship work?

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My guess is, probably not, until you've addressed all the ways you feel needy, incomplete, and unhappy in your own life that you feel validation from this relationship would solve.

After you do that, you'll be able to see this relationship dynamic for what it really is, and either find a way together to make it function, or to lovingly move on to a relationship that's a better fit.

posted February 01, 2011 09:11 PM            

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But I dont know how to make him trust me enough to let him know that I will stand by him no matter what.
How do I help? I dont want to just give up and walk away at the first sign of trouble.

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It sounded like he said he was worried about the opposite? That you'll stifle and smother him, not fail to stand by him?

posted February 01, 2011 09:20 PM            

Love=you feel fulfilled, peaceful, happy, energized, and secure.

Addiction/attachment/obsession/neediness=youfeel frustrated, desperate, powerless, sad, or miserable.

Love=you feel happy, trusting and laid-back about letting the person have his or her freedom--you're in charge of your life, s/he's in charge of his or hers.

Addiction/attachment/obsession/neediness=youfeel frustrated, desperate, powerless, sad, or miserable.

In most troubled relationships, there's some love *alongside* addiction, attachment, neediness, and the search for validation. But when you're feeling frustrated, desperate, powerless, sad, or miserable, it's a sign that a) you need to work on yourself and address some unaddressed issues in your life or b) it's not a right relationship for you right now.

posted February 01, 2011 10:26 PM            

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I just know that I have a very sensitive soul that feels other's misery like my own and sympathises with them. It makes me over protective, makes me think that if I am around I can somehow shield the ones I care about from getting hurt physically or emotionally.Like I can stand between them and harm's way and take their grief upon me. That is why I obsess.

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Oh no, I don't mean that kind of obsession, where you are concerned that he is okay and healthy, that's not part of the problem. That is lovely and not limited to romantic/sexual relationships. I am talking very specifically about focusing on *romantic* obsession, in terms of wanting validation from him instead of giving yourself love and care and tending to your own needs.

I meant obsessing about how he does or does not feel about YOU, whether you'll be together as couple...and doing things like deciding "he is a coward" when he isn't giving you the validation you crave. People don't obsess about those things out of wanting to protect loved ones or wishing them good health...they obsess about those things when they want something from the person. It is different from open-hearted love and concern.

posted February 01, 2011 11:38 PM            

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What time is enough for someone to be your best friend or ur lover? 1 month 1 year a decade?

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However long it takes for you to love them passionately and want them to be around. It varies case by case. I can see why you're angry about his mixed-messages--he came back into your life, but feels stifled by your questions about his health and is not calling you. But I do think you're obsessing about him instead of caring for yourself and making your life as happy as you can.

posted February 02, 2011 12:03 AM            

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I told him that he should communicate with me no matter what the topic or how unpleasant.

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Yeah, this is sooo hard for even mature Libra men. Make it a stellium with Sun-Uranus conjunction and an early Cancer Moon, and it's pretty much impossible. The easiest match for him would probably be an Air or Fire sign who is very preoccupied with her own life and interests.