posted February 02, 2011 01:11 PM            

quote:

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If there is the lesson of learning to stop worrying overmuch about people here I am doing my best to learn it. Hope he does realize that what I feel for him is way more than obsession, I would probably have moved on if it was just some urge for domination over him. Eight years and I still dont feel any less about him, no matter what.

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I'm not articulating well, I guess. Obsession of the kind I'm talking about isn't "caring too much" about someone or wanting to dominate them....

It's an emotional pattern you put YOURSELF through--obsessing about how he feels about you and whether you will get what you want with him--instead of doing things to nourish YOURSELF intellectually, physically, spiritually, and in terms of your lifepath, using all the energy that you're putting into being desperate for him to text.

Like I said, in most troubled relationships, there's some love *alongside* addiction, attachment, neediness, and the search for validation.

But when you're feeling frustrated, desperate, powerless, sad, or miserable, it's a sign that a) you need to work on yourself and address some unaddressed issues in your life or b) it's not a right relationship for you right now.

Also, however long an obsession has gone on for, it can't transform into real intimacy in a long-distance or not-real relationship...you have to spend daily time together, talking, making love, eating meals, sharing your lives to know how a relationship will really feel, as a relationship.

Attachment, neediness, and the search for validation feel awful and hard. Love feels great!!

I don't know, I'm trying to be clear about what I mean, but I'm just not getting it across.

posted February 02, 2011 03:55 PM            

The name of the auther is Sherry Argov. I think you need to buy the book right away and don't let the title discourage you, the book does not teach you to be a b*tch.

It is important you learn to love him with all your heart but at the same time know if you lose him you will still be you and move on. I didn't speak to my guy today and I'm not going to call him, not because I'm a b*tch, but because I've changed my focus and have other things to do for MY personal growth.

My guy started acting like yours after a couple of months into the relationship, but I was the reason why.

I ate, slept and drank him, checked my phone minute after minute and wanted to be under him all damn day and whined about it if we weren't. I was on the brink of obsession if not obsessed and I was pushing him away. (Not saying this is you, this is truly how I behaved)

I realized then, ugh, would I want to be with me if I was him?

Then I asked myself, what's the big deal? He loves me, I love him. I'm a big girl, I should not need constant reassurance. I shouldn't be afraid of him finding someone better because I'm the best

He's noticed the change in me, no arguments since I read the book. A man will behave according to how you behave. Your neediness has to go.

If he doesn't call, he doesn't call. If he wants space, give it to him. I promise if you read the book and REALLY apply the principals you will see a change in him, but first, you must see a change within you.

Also Law of Attraction, the more you focus on his neglect the more neglect you will get, switch your focus.

I'm not saying I'm perfect all the time I still struggle with insecurities and I verbalize that to him, because I want to always tell him the truth. But do I display these feelings with neediness? Hell no, I don't deserve that and neither does he.

Get the book, love.

posted February 02, 2011 06:00 PM            

Why do the song and dance for 8 years though? It is painful to let go, yes, but in time you can and will heal

posted February 02, 2011 09:37 PM            

Then you make these statements about wanting to die? Do you realize while you sit here and think these destructive thoughts that he is probably having a grand ole' time and not even stressing about you or the situation?

You appear very weak to him and he does not want that. No man (or woman) wants a weak and needy partner. It is a HUGE turn off. I assumed this was insecurity on your part like my particular issue, but now I'm not so sure. You have to really ask yourself if you really love this man or do you love the way you feel when you are with him. This seems very ego driven and not very sincere. Sincere love and pure love is patient, understanding, kind, secure. You wrote the man every day when he just had surgery, why? Not for him, for yourself, to feed your own obsession/ego. If you had pure unconditional love for him, you'd had loved him from afar whilst he recovered. Not make him feel obligated to email you on a daily basis :/

I think you need to take inventory on what is really going on with you, but in the mean time the book will still be useful and I'm glad you have it on hold.

Sorry for being so harsh with you, but someone has to do it. You need to get it together.

posted February 02, 2011 09:56 PM            

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I have not called him in 2 weeks and am not going to nag him, it just seems frustrating that after 8 years each time we start at square one and guys have so much difficulty in communicating. I have girlfriends and I talk to them every week, they never act hard to get just because I call first.
why cant guys be more like that?

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Do your girlfriends have Libra stelliums and Sun-Uranus conjunctions in Libra? Lol

posted February 02, 2011 10:15 PM            

I am in a long distance relationship. My guy was in a major car accident a couple of days ago. He is fine, but refuses to see a doctor and is in major pain.
I checked up on him yesterday to let him know I was thinking about him, but I didn't call him today.

Why? Because he's in pain and is stressed out about his car, I already know how he gets when he has alot on his mind, he withdraws. That coupled with being in pain isn't a good combination. So all I can do is wait.
Do I miss him? Sure. But I have no desire to call him because I want him to rest and work his stuff out. He knows my number and his fingers aren't broken LoL

So would I write/call daily? No. I love him from afar until he feels better

This is an example of unconditional love.

I have fear of abandonment also. I lost my mom at 6, all my aunts and grandparents and just recenlty my god mother who meant the world to me and was really my only guidance.

I put all this sh*t on my guy at first, I won't lie and at first he dealt with it, but slowly started to pull away. Through the grace of my higher power and the desire to be a secure woman, I am healing.

I don't know if you love him or not, but I'm just telling you what it looks like on the surface.
Quiet yourself and look within, I know it sounds mediocre, but you have to, if you don't you're going to break and I'm sorry, to break over a man is just unacceptable.

Ok, I'm sleepy, going to bed now.

Again please really take time to think and feel what this is REALLY about. Acknowleding the situation with your mom was a great start. What else can you come up with?