posted January 11, 2010 07:17 AM         

But, I haven't been this happy in a long time.

dichotomies, paradoxes and harmonious contradictions.

There is an update, of course. But, I can't share it with you guys. Not yet. Just know that things look promising, at least for my spiritual growth- which is pretty much my goal in life, i.e. To evolve.

Anyway, It is 3 months until his return. It's part of the reason behind my silence. I'm preparing my entire mind/body/spirit complex for what's to happen. During this whole thread, I got caught up in petty worldly concerns, things that were never my concern to begin with, but with fear I lost my original mission. This made me grateful that he wasn't here to experience me during such. I'm back on track now, but I must remain this way, and silence focuses me well so I'm being mum.

posted March 28, 2010 03:48 PM         

Double check what, you ask?

Well, I was under the impression that he returns on Monday/Tuesday. But yesterday I get a reminder on my cell beeping to tell me that "he" has arrived. So, I went back to my 'archives' to check exactly when he was supposed to be back and yes... if my records are correct, he should be here since his departure date was the 27th.

Anyway, after this discovery I was fine and gladdened that he was here earlier than I thought. What better news? Right? Of course. But, now I am feeling odd. I am thinking of him in a weird way, in a more 'desperate' way, with more urgency than usual. *I am convinced that these feelings are imposed upon me (externally driven) and not mine alone, by the way.*

Then I thought of this:

1. The less distance between two objects, the more intense the energy interaction.

2. It has happened before that we think of each other and I act strange and desire or do whimsical visits to his house or impromptu meetings at the mall. BUT, that was when we lived in the same town. So, could he be here? In the same town?

Hmmm...

Then I got to thinking...

Michael had asked where I was, so that we can meet, and when I said that I was at our hometown, he was surprised but unconcerned because it just so happens that his mother is planning on settling down here, and he was planning on helping his mom settle in and such. I shouldn't be at our hometown. I should be in Johannesburg but I decided about mid Feb to take some time off. I decided this break during the time that he and I weren't talking and that's why he had no idea that I was here.

*I needed to be close to family*

Anyway....

So, he is back, or should be. I have not heard from him, but that is perfectly fine. He should be tired right now (jet-lag) and probably spending time with his mom too because that was also his priority, i.e. to be with his family too. I don't know the details of whether he was going to go to London first (where his mom is (was) at the mo) then go to Cape Town (where they live) or go from London to the coast (where his mom is settling down). Did that make sense?

So, right now I feel like I once felt some years ago when I called him and demanded to see him in town at a bar/restaurant. He came and met me there. I brought a friend, a guy friend... Michael looked livid at the sight of me bringing someone else, but I only brought my friend there because he was my ride.

The friend was ignored and Michael and I had a staring match where I lost, looking away blushing and wondering wtf that was about because normal people don't just go silent and stare at each other, with company at the table. I chuckle as I think back to that day. Anyway, I feel the same way today. I feel the urge to connect with him but I have no reason behind this urge.

Okay, I don't know what I am feeling. I just know that I am uncomfortable yet amused at the same time. I could use a drink but no, besides there's no alcohol here. Or a smoke. Do you understand that feeling? I guess I am tense. Yeah, that's what I've been trying to say... I am tense.

posted March 28, 2010 04:37 PM         

quote:

---

I am thinking of him in a weird way, in a more 'desperate' way, with more urgency than usual. *I am convinced that these feelings are imposed upon me (externally driven) and not mine alone, by the way.*

---

Oh my God, I felt the same way! It felt so unlike me. Almost obsessive, dark, but romantic -- I guess like a pluto venus aspect or transit, but I am not having that. I finally started to think that it was from him and then it went away. Is that why it went away? I thought he may have stopped thinking that. He and I have the telepathy thing too, but he already is close by -- what? was he sitting outside my house all last week, lol. So weird and disturbing. I am so glad I don't feel like that now. But I HAVE to talk to him soon and I SO don't want to after this. I am dreading it.

I think you're feeling this way because he's back. Is there a way you can find out?

posted March 28, 2010 05:08 PM         

quote:

---

what? was he sitting outside my house all last week, lol.

---

I thank the Universe, Jesus, Allah and all Gods under the sun that he is single. I think the Universe knew that I wouldn't have handled it well otherwise. I mean, you saw how I reacted to a girl talking to him on facebook? yeah, not cool.

But then, his single-ness means nothing when he could say, "I don't know what to say. I'm flattered, but I don't see you that way. I see you as a friend, buddy". (This he could say after I come clean to him) So, single or not matters naught at times. It's whether the person is into you that matters, right? Or at least it helps.

But, the 'object-of-one's-affections' being taken does make things complicated because it puts morals, ethics and all sorts of limitations upon what actions a person can take. It decreases the choices available, but it doesn't eradicate them all.

Ugh! Whatever!

Being philosophical right now is so lame.
I just wanna throw a hissy fit!
Or dance
Or drink

Yeah, I think I am about to do something stupid but rest assured that it won't involve narcotics.

posted March 29, 2010 12:04 PM         

Just a side note.

I was speaking to him, and he said that I come off as a prude. I didn't know how to handle that. I guess it's a good thing since coming off as a skank would be worse, I think. I dunno.

Anyway, I found that so far from my real personality but I don't mind so much - but then I started wondering that maybe he doesn't see me as a sexual being. God knows, it took me forever to get used to seeing him as a sexual being due to the fact that we are friends who've known each other from childhood...

Anyway...

Later.

edit: I just read back at the IM transcript and he didn't say that. He wondered or asked...

Ugh, how do I put it?

Nevermind, I can't explain it.

posted March 29, 2010 02:05 PM         

...of course that might just be b/c it's from your pov...

I can't wait to hear how you two cuties turn out. ♥

posted March 29, 2010 03:32 PM         

It was more like reverse psychology, and he said something to the effect of, "And you, of course, wouldn't do that, right?" [that being: get freaky with a stranger via the internet, namely Craiglist.]

It was all so sarcastic.

I found myself saying, "No, ...BUT, ...I'm highly sexual but it's just that I need to know the person first..."

And then he ended the conversation.

Ugh! He got me! That's exactly it, Diana. He wanted me to say differently, to prove his "statememnt" wrong. Smart!

I forget that I am dealing with a highly intelligent guy, who lacks scruples...

Buzz - thanks sweetie.

posted March 30, 2010 05:44 AM         

Yep, Diana. You've cemented your title as 'Aries Men Adviser'. You're also right about the "getting info" out of a person. He knows so many details about me, mainly because I am open and unashamed about my experiences. He, on the other hand, always says things like, "I'll tell you later" and then I forget. :\

Yeah, MVM, I must say that if he persisted with the 'prude' talk, I would have blown a gasket, although I wasn't upset yet. I was more taken aback at first. He ended the conversation when I said, "Hold on a second, do I come off as a prude or something?" and then he wiggled out of it by ignoring the question at first, or he didn't see that I asked it... then he did his second wiggle out of the convo by needing to go have his evening jog/run. I then thought to myself, "saved by the bell, Buster!"

He is entertaining though.

Another update guys:

So, I asked him whether he missed the kids in Korea, and he said, "Not really". I laughed. And then he interjected and said, "I do miss a girl though". I was intrigued and asked him to proceed and tell me more. He then answered cryptically and said,"2,5 weeks. How sh*t is that?"

Confused, I asked him to clarify his statements. Then he responded by saying that he and this girl "hooked up" for that long, and now he is in South Africa. Then he added nonchalantly, "'Bit of fun."

lol

I replied by swearing, "Sh*t!" I don't know what was making me cuss, whether it was hearing that he was boning some girl, or whether I feel 'bad' that it had ended (trying to feel 'bad'). I think it's the former. Then I started interrogating him about who it is. I asked him whether it was the facebook girl I once told you guys about. And he responded saying that it wasn't her, but added that the same girl was ALL OVER HIM at his going away party. O_o

*I tell you... I've never seen him spread his colorful wings, peacock style, as he did yesterday*

I told him that it was obvious that she wanted him. I then asked about other girls that I knew he was friends with and he said "nope" for everyone I guessed. When I had given up, he let me know that it was a "new girl" (meaning she had arrived to teach in Korea I suppose), a South African girl too.

Then I asked if they were planning on doing a long distance thing and he said that he wasn't sure. That he "thinks" that it was just a quick fling.

Then I paused... trying to gather my thoughts, then I typed:

Oh, I see...
just sex
I see
lol
I'm cracking up now

and I was laughing, though I am still unsure what it is that was amusing me so much.

and then he said:

now I'M cracking up

...and we laughed.

Then he said that he will tell me the story when we meet up because he wants to see me laugh when I hear it and IM wouldn't allow him that pleasure. What he did tell me is that the first night they "got together" he was wasted.

I think I'm in denial because I am laughing about this when I should be jealous and furious. It was quite refreshing to hear him speak about girls to me, which he NEVER did, for as long as we've known each other, until yesterday.

*Oh great! As I was typing this, he texted me saying he is going to get a Mohawk. Ugh! I really liked his long hair. Bleh! Oh well! He'll send pics he says.*

posted March 31, 2010 10:09 AM         

So much for waiting to see him to tell him. But, I have kind of had it. Of course, in the email I was very technical about it. I just spelled it out without elaborating on how I feel other than that it is what people call love.

yep.

I know that he has read the email because he has been online reading it. In the morning he emailed me his mohawk pics and said that he would read the "long email later". He had no idea what was in it, and later was a few hours ago. So, when I came online just a few minutes ago, to finish off some work, he went offline. I think he is decidedly freaked out. Of course, I decided to do it because I am weary of getting into some game playing with him. I want to just get this out in the open so that we can move forward, either together or apart. The stagnation was driving me insane! So, yesterday after speaking to a friend, and being inspired to write an email, I wrote one and sent it.

I wish I could show it to you guys but you know I can't, for moral reasons, and all.

So that's that. Ball is no longer in my court and I feel much freer and better. It's probably the calm before the ugly storm, but whatever.

Cheers.

posted March 31, 2010 07:23 PM         

I'll have look into this later... I'll see what I can do, but it probably won't be lengthy tho since I have been really drained lately, But I'll let you know.

posted April 01, 2010 07:57 AM         

MVM - You can just pull a card like Di without elaborating and I will google the meaning. , Thanks though. Well, today I don't feel so great about it, but I wouldn't take it back either. I dunno, the high has worn off.

tinkerbell - hey sweetie. Yeah, Korea is like the new Vegas. As for the other girl, I don't care about her it seems. I'm unmoved by her. I find that strange but great.

posted April 02, 2010 07:07 AM         

His response was this:

quote:

---

When I see you, I'm gonna give you the biggest hug ever. Cracked rib inducing.

---

Then he mentioned that plans have changed and that he might not see me in Durban, but said:

quote:

---

...but the meet will happen. As always will keep you posted.

---

The last thing he said in the mail was:

quote:

---

I really appreciate the effort you've made.

---

and he said this with regards to how I made the effort to contact him again and maintain contact etc.

So, the response says little to me, but I am happy with it. Besides, I am not objective enough to read into any of his words. I am having a very subjective day.

Hey there leapinglemur14,

quote:

---

1) he has wanted you from the beginning and i think he has been waiting for you to come around and finally decide/realize what you want

---

You think? Waiting would mean that he must have known that I would one day realize that I had feelings for him, which is more perceptive than I think he is. Hmmm... Maybe I underestimate him. Also, waiting means that he could have waited all his life because it was luck that I realized it and accepted it. What if I was afraid to admit I loved him and just repressed my feelings for him until I died? It seems like a very passive and risky stance to take, to wait. Interesting though because if he did wait, it paid off.

quote:

---

this reminds me of my first love also was a long distance thing. we met in greece. I still love him and always compare guys to him. he loved me at one point just never admitted it and when i had my "chance" i let him go..i wonder if i could've changed things by visiting that one summer...i guess I was frustrated like you. I'm also not a game player, i feel like if it has to result to that than it's really not worth it.

---

If you still love him, it will haunt you until it is out there. I promise. I feel so much better that its out there. I feel like a have a new lease on life. So, maybe you can contact him again? If you still love him, it is worth the try. Long distance is tough though. Especially if its continental/international. At least, our long distance now is a city away, which is cool because I travel all the time anyways.

So, think about it, and maybe let him know how you feel.

posted April 02, 2010 09:58 AM         

I am not sure, but I think the promise of a cracked rib inducing hug says a lot.

Girl, I'm so sexcited for you!