posted October 16, 2009 12:38 AM         

On that note, he is edging his was closer and closer to the pile labeled, "The One That Got Away" because he expressed that he could renew his contract if he wanted. His challenge though is that if he renewed it, he would be at a different place than the one he is in currently. This doesn't serve him because the relationships he has forged are what he wants to preserve, so renewing the contract and being thrown into a different place would also not work.

Yes, being sad to leave is very understandable because his life was not as eventful as it has been in Korea, so even I want that for him, for him to feel the happiness and fun he has felt there. So, yeah... I can't put my life on hold for him because he might decided to stay there longer and who knows what he does after two years? What if he decides to live there for good.

OR...

Maybe he wanted me to say that he should come back because there is something better for him here, ME but I didn't do that. I mean, maybe he wasn't playing a mind game, and was just expressing sadness of the prospect of leaving, so I remained neutral and listened, and did the Merc in Libra thing and didn't sway him either way. I also couldn't be selfish, really. I can see what Korea has done for his well being and self-confidence. He is a different person there, more liberated and less afraid, so... I care for him enough to want him to be happy without me if that's what I have to do. I do want him to come home though.

I am confused.

I hadn't said much on this thread lately because I've been in agony from missing him and I was sick of whining about it. Yes, it just pains me that he is so far away. I think of him every day and every night and when I am asleep, I dream of him. He is the only thing I long for. So, I want to be in his vicinity somehow. Badly! I miss him so very much that it almost renders me to tears. Yes, lame but true. I feel so deeply about him that longing for him can get to a point where I am a sad case. With that said though, his happiness is still more important that my desires being met. I hoped though that we could hit two birds with one stone and have happiness and a union but it seems like the two could be mutually exclusive... which almost makes me angry. I am not yet angry because I am still in denial that 6 months could increase to be a year and a half.

And guys!! I can't visit him until he asks me to. Unfortunately we are not at a place to do such. I was waiting for his return to declare my love for him properly, but it seems like I might be doing it via Skype because I could be dead in 1 1/2 yrs! Dead! Maybe I should start figuring out how I am going to let him know how much he means to me, via these long-distance mediums. This just messes with my vision, but I am adaptable so I am going to make a plan.

Anyway...

I dunno what the conversation was about to be honest. The conversation was very sad. I was in a good mood before chatting to him and now, although not down, I am like a flat balloon. You know?

I guess, what bothers me is that I don't like to see/feel him sad. I really don't like it. It makes me sad. He was definitely sad and what really made me feel helpless is that I couldn't hug him, or do something that would comfort him. These limitations are infuriating!

Bollocks!!!

Actually, I have no idea. I am going to sleep. I have meetings. It's truly time I get out of this love thing and get productive because I am going to lose it even further than I have already lost it. I am not depressed about this in a way that I am capable of getting depressed. I am just in a weird mood now, like... I dunno. I'm in limbo. Yes, this whole renewal of contract business is probably going to hit me properly later.

But, I did want to tell him that it won't be bad if he came home because I would be here and that I would do my best to make things better, but I couldn't say that because we are not that advanced in our dealings. We are still pretending to be acquaintances so it wouldn't have been appropriate to say, "Come back because I miss you" even though I have said that I missed him before, but when I told him he froze, so I am not saying that again soon. It is just that, this is a big decision that should be made by him and him alone. I dunno... I can't be responsible for his decision in case I break his heart when he gets back, or whatever. So, it is all up to him what he decides to do, and I will try to live with it.

I wish there was at least some sort of romantic relationship established between us, so that we could brain-storm about this, but right now, my hands are tied. If we were romantically inclined, I could have made sacrifices, of say spending half my time between here and Korea, or something. Or, I would work so bleddy hard here that I would be able to take flights once every 3 months or something to visit for a week each time, or something!! I dunno. I suspect that I am not being very realistic here.

posted October 16, 2009 01:21 AM         

On the 17th of April:

He is having:
His tVenus conjunct his nVenus (Venus Return.)
His prMars conjunct his nVenus
His saUranus sesquiquadrate his nVenus

posted October 16, 2009 03:54 PM         

Have you ever considered that you are influencing him more by NOT telling him how you feel about him?

Think about it...you have some knowledge that could change everything for him, and you are withholding it. What if the reason he's not interested in coming home really IS because he doesn't think there is anything there for him, like you suggested? Then your withholding is also influencing, because with that information he could make a better informed decision.

By not telling him, your relationship is not in balance, there is unequal power, because you know something he doesn't.

Just something to consider...there's always more than one way to look at a situation.

posted October 16, 2009 05:32 PM         

Star~ Girl, I hear ya, but... I am not sure. So, I am in the middle of thinking about this one. I will think long and hard about it. I just had a certain way in which I had envisioned it, so... I am in the middle of drafting plan B.

posted October 16, 2009 08:11 PM         

Yes, he has to know that it would mean a lot to me if he came back, but I have to do it in a way that isn't overwhelming. I'll tell you how I do it when I have done it.

quote:

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just be yourself and be honest.

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posted October 16, 2009 08:21 PM         

I did it in the best way I could in an email context, without being soppy, and made it humorous (tried to). But, now I wonder if making it humorous was a good idea because he just might not take it seriously.

posted October 16, 2009 09:31 PM         

Easier said than done. More than that, I just don't know how I would do such, especially through an email. Actually, I write better than I speak, so... who knows...

No, this email was NOT a declaration of love. It was a protestation of him renewing his contract. I'm still not sure, or as pumped as I was a few months ago when I just started speaking to him again.

There is so much at stake. I don't want to mess up again with him, as in... I can't risk declaring my love and then lose interest a few months later. Also, I need to be sure. The last time I tried, he went to Korea!! So...

posted October 16, 2009 11:09 PM         

Firstly, he expressed how he loved the email. I bet he did! With all the 'come home' stuff, he must have felt really good. I am glad though. One man's pain is another's pleasure, eh? I think the email ranks similar to the one I wrote when I was freaking out about the state of Korea. He said that he was coming back and is not renewing the contract yet. I swear I didn't dream this! If it was ethical I would paste the entire IM and show you how he said it, because you would need context to get it, so I can't just paste the line he wrote.

Anyway, even further, he has invited (opened option for) me to visit him when he gets back. He just said I can come down for a visit to Cape Town when he returns... but he said it in a more plan of action way because he even thought that maybe I could meet him at Johannesburg airport if I was up to it, before he went to Cape Town, but then he expressed that this could be impractical.

Then he said:

quote:

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Anyways, I find this is the kind of email that I really don't enjoy writing 'cause I prefer conversing face to face with my explanations.

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posted October 17, 2009 09:41 AM         

Now you've got the man so excited that he is coming up with crazy, impractical Arian plans to see you as soon as he hits the continent, by having you meet up with him in convoluted ways.

This sounds VERY promising Unmoved!

posted October 17, 2009 01:53 PM         

Now get that package in the mail!

posted October 18, 2009 09:24 PM         

Then... I put myself in his shoes after having sent it, imagined myself receiving such a song and how I would interpret it. And... well... I wonder.

Here is the song:

Madeleine Peyroux - Between The Bars

Lyrics:

Drink up, baby
Stay up all night
Things you could do
You won't but you might

The potential you'll be
You'll never see
Promises you'll only make
Drink up with me now
And forget all about
Pressure of days
Do what I say
And I'll make you okay
And drive them away
Images stuck in your head

People you've been before
That you don't want around anymore
That push and shove and won't bend to your will
I’ll keep them still

Drink up, baby
Look at the stars.
And I'll kiss you again
Between the bars
Where I'm seeing you there
With your hands in the air
Waiting to finally be caught

Drink up one more time
And I'll make you mine
And keep you apart
Deep in my heart
Separate from the rest
Where I like you the best
Keep the things you forgot

The people you've been before
That you don't want around anymore
That push and shove and won't bend to your will
I'll keep them still

posted October 23, 2009 04:52 PM         

quote:

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After that long-winded speech, I decided to look at transits when (edit: IF) he returns, which is now APRIL, and not March.

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