posted July 31, 2009 11:04 PM         

I was in grade 8 when I met Michael. We were in the same science class, the same Math class too. Actually, we could have been in more classes together and I just can't remember. All, I remember is that he was always there in front of me, behind me, but always around me. There was an instant, strong and powerful spark between us, but I was young and it was the first time having felt such a feeling so I didn't make much of it, other than the fact that I could never get enough of Michael. He made it his job to tell me dirty jokes and every time I would laugh reluctantly because his jokes we funny but dirty, and I think he enjoyed having the ability to make me laugh.

These intense feelings made Michael different from other humans because what I felt when I was with him was unique to him, so at the time I took it to mean that we were great friends as it was not intrinsically sexual chemistry which I felt. He was warm yet exciting. I was incredibly comfortable with him. I would be tantalized by the thought of seeing him and it was innocent and nothing sexual even though the feelings I had for him involved me being very close to him physically. We would sometimes be strangely close to each other was we walked after school from Math class, and then would separate abruptly because it was rather odd how we just went into each other's personal spaces without feeling violated. I would daydream about speaking to him and laughing with him all the time, and I don't remember ever liking school that much than in those days.

The year went along, and school closed for holidays. We didn't see each other during the summer school holidays until schools reopened the following year, and during our time apart, another boy made a move for me, a much older boy, but I was not interested much. When I saw Michael again, we basically carried on where we left off and the feeling, what I now know to be chemistry, was still raging as ever before. Even today, it is still like that whenever I am in close proximity of him.

We were nerds at school, but cool nerds so to speak because the culture at our school had a propensity to look up to intelligence and so we weren't outcasts but being smart was cool I suppose, besides he played guitar and was an excellent artist. So, we joined a Math club, but I know why I did it, so we could spend more time together... (and by the way, later on after high-school, Michael found out that he was a genius according to Mensa and I was so proud.)

Then it became February, and Valentine's Day was nearing ( we are now in Grade 9). There was a dance coming up and the other boy who had been pursuing me during the holidays, the older boy, asked me out to the dance. I accepted, and who knows, I might have told Michael about it. I am not sure. And then a few months later, I was seeing the older boy as a boyfriend, but it wasn't something I was invested in emotionally, even though my actions said the opposite.

Then, in about the same span of time, Michael became distant and I didn't know why, I still don't know why. He just stopped talking to me. I took it that something was wrong for sure because everything turned over night, and he just started to avoid me plainly and obviously, and so I just conceded that he didn't like me as a person anymore, and decided to respect his wishes and stay away. Soon we were passing each other like strangers in the halls and it hurt me deeply until I stopped caring; but before I stopped caring, the sight of him would make me wince.

A year or two later I found out that his father had died during the time that he had retreated and went cold, so today I can't tell whether it was because of something I did or the death of his dad that he begun to "hate me". Then, in the same year that his father died, in the span of three months or less, I also went through a very hard time where I was sexually assaulted by 5 strange men one night as I was coming from a concert. So, due to that being on my mind, I also just retreated into myself and Michael just faded away as we both became withdrawn at the same time. That's why I didn't know that his dad had died during that time, and I was so deflated and numb that I didn't even bother to ask Michael anything.

Anyway, I broke up with the guy that I was seeing soon after the incident, and just went through a daze kind of experience through high-school. Michael and I took the same classes so we would see each other everyday, everywhere, but we just never spoke to each other. I figured he hated me anyway, even though I didn't know why.

Then we all left high-school and went our separate ways, and all of a sudden he started talking to me. We had each other's numbers because by the time we left high school we were on cordial terms so I suppose we swapped numbers at one point, I can't recall; but I didn't expect him to ever speak to me again. I had certainly put him in the lost category.

He was consistent in his keeping in touch after high-school so much so that I figured, "okay... he's friendly again." and begun to relax with him. Instead of grilling him about the happenings of 4/5 years earlier, I let it slide and we just picked up where we left off. I was just so grateful that he was back in my life, to be quite honest.

Then it was 2004/2005 and he called to invite me to his birthday party. I called my friends from high-school to see if he had invited them and he hadn't. So, I decided to bring one of my friends, and it turned out that I was going to be the only girl at the party (if my memory serves me correctly)had I not brought my friend. He had his guy friends and me there, save for the girl I brought, and well... his family was there too. So, we partied, his mom was great as ever and for a woman I have never met, she remembered my name. I didn't find that strange because I was known at school, but how a parent would know me was accounted for as the power of my reach by my arrogant head. His sister hated me as always (I dissed (for good reason) a guy she liked who was a tosser and she has never forgiven me. I think that's why because it makes no sense why this girl would hate me).

The night of his birthday party was the fondest memory I have ever had of him. It was so comfortable, so lovely, and he was just so happy. I had never seen him this happy in my entire life. After a while, he just left his friends and sat with me, which is understandable because I was the outsider there, so I suppose he was making me feel comfortable. He just lied on a beanbag, looking at me from a low vantage point as I was sitting on a higher chair. We just spoke about nothing in particular, until his friends started demanding him back, to which he responded by telling them to eff off. We laughed and carried on talking. I kept on getting looked at a lot there. That day he was so happy and bright, which was out of character since he is a dark person, yes... this is a guy who thinks Slipknot is mellow.

Then, when it was time to leave as everyone was leaving, he kept on saying I must stay longer and he wanted us to swim, but I couldn't stay because my friend who was driving wanted to leave, so I bid him goodbye and that was that. We talked on the phone thereafter, more often than before, but we were in different towns so we couldn't meet up although we promised each other that we would.

It turns out that after high-school, we both went to the same city, and he even lived practically a road away, "a bus ride away" but close enough and we never knew this until his birthday party (3 years later). I was shocked and so was he, I think.

But, now he was across the country, and I got myself another boyfriend, as always.

posted July 31, 2009 11:06 PM         

*Note: I've always liked this guy but never knew it, until...*

So, my boyfriend at the time took me on a weekend spa, and then as we getting on the 1 hour long flight from Jhb to Cape Town, I remembered that Michael lived in the same town that the spa retreat was situated. So, I called him because he always told me that whenever I am in town, I should let him know. He didn't answer his cellphone so I left a text on arrival in Cape Town, and then he responded asking, "Who is this?" That took me aback seeing that I have had only one number all my life, so I told him to forget it. After that I sunk into a depression which my boyfriend didn't understand, so he even wanted us to meet Michael, probably to get me out of my foul mood.

Then, Michael finally responded with our initial and mutual understanding and agreed to meet for drinks. So, as my boyfriend wouldn't stay behind and I didn't expect him to, he came along and we made it a day and went for wine tasting at a vineyard/wine estate near Michael's place. So, Michael and I were catching up over assortments of wine which we didn't spit out. but we didn't get drunk. At that point, my current boyfriend was an after thought. It was something so weird and so uncontrollable. I felt bad and kept on reminding myself to also pay attention on my boyfriend, but it was difficult.

Then I knew that I was 'inlike' with Michael, for the first time ever since I have ever known him, and it was 10 years of knowing him. After the wine estate we went to dinner and then we all went to a club. Michael and I spent the entire night talking. My boyfriend's cousin was around so that was cool. I couldn't take my eyes off Micheal, and still, I didn't want to shag him or anything like that in particular(not that he's not shag worthy because he is), but I just wanted to be close to him, like a moth to a flame (yes, a statement straight from the middle of the corn field, I know...). Then, last year, when Saturn hit my Sun at 20 deg Virgo, I told Michael that I think I liked him, and as it was done via a text I don't know how he felt about that since he has not spoken to me ever since.

Today I remembered him more than I do usually as tSaturn is about to hit my Sun again in 11th. I've just sent him a message on facebook telling him to forget what I said last year, to forgive me for making him uncomfortable.

So, my point is this: What does it mean when whatever happens in my love life, it always comes back to this one person? I know he doesn't like me because had he liked me he would have said something, ya know... and I am cool with that, I am a big girl. I don't understand why he is like the backdrop to my love life, where it seems like all the guys that come in my life are actually stepping on his turf? What does he represent in my life, I wonder?

Also, I don't like him all the time. I sometimes forget he's alive, but when I remember, it all rushes back. I think it is probably because we have never done as much as even kiss, and due to that, I still have periodical feelings for him? This whole thing makes little sense.

I just found out that he is in Korea from his facebook!

I keep on wondering whether I hurt him by bringing my boyfriend then, but I remember that... he is just a platonic friend, so he wouldn't care. I mean... I didn't do it on purpose. I just had to see Michael, under any circumstance. I felt that we liked each other but as friends, or at least HE liked me in a platonic way. I didn't think he cared. And, I was just happy liking him from a far. I just told him for honesty's sake. I thought that he would be shocked, and we would laugh about it, and then move on with our lives, but he just stopped talking to me!! I can't believe it. I don't get it.

I miss him, though.

He literally was the only constant in my life and he's gone, i.e. not talking to me.

posted August 01, 2009 08:35 PM         

quote:

---

I'm not so sure his feelings for you were only platonic. I think you may have hurt him deeply the first time you went out with the other guy in school, but he may have felt he had no right to say anything about it since you were "just friends".

---

That is a very high possibility! 50%.

I have never known or ever heard that he has a girlfriend. Ever!!! I was speaking to his sister when we were still on good terms. She was waitressing during the holidays at a local pub. I was meeting him for drinks and before he arrived, the sister confided in me...

She asked me to ask him to shave his beard off, and I told her that I don't tell Michael to do anything, and she said that he would listen to me. I asked what the big deal was with having a beard anyway, and the sister said, "How is he supposed to get the girl when he's scaring them with the Jesus look?" I hinted that the beard must come off, without telling him that his sister asked me to ask and he did shave it off a few weeks later.

So, he is not a dater, or not known to date to my knowledge.

The last time I tried to find out what his love life was doing, he snapped very nicely, but made it clear that he and I were not talking about his love life. I was like, "fine!" and he just shrugged me off. He never tells me what he does with girls. Ever!

posted August 01, 2009 11:56 PM         

He just contacted me today on FB. I don't know what to do!

I don't want to HJ your thread. I came on here to post about my person and before I did, I opened this thread. Weird coincidence...

posted August 02, 2009 07:30 AM         

There's a thread that GypseeWind started about how life is too short. I think you should take something from that. Sit down honestly, take the time to figure out what it is with you and then put it all across in an email. Everything you've said in this post, the history of your friendship, not being sure of the reason why your communication went out the window etc. Also how you would appreciate if these cat and mouse games were to quit. One day he's talking to you, then he's not. Sure you can be understanding about the situations in one's life that request time out but total alientation is the stuff of pre maturity.

Bottom line, say what you want to, then release it. What he does or doesn't do with that information is upto him.

I know you're not looking for advice so just consider these to be thoughts that ran through my head.

posted August 02, 2009 10:27 AM         

Fases De La Luna ~ Thanks for you words and they are appreciated despite the fact that I am not looking to change anything about the current situation. A great idea that I have not considered might come up, so share advise all you want. It will be taken with gratitude. I also thought of calling him immature but I'd be lying. He is the least immature person I know, and this was the big reason why we got along.

Well, he responded to my FB message today, expressing total ignorance of what I am talking about, i.e. as I told him to forget what I said last year, and to forgive me for any discomfort I caused.

He responded to say that there is nothing to forgive and that due to a bad internet connection wherever he is (Korea? back in S.A.?) , he will write to me "later" so I suppose he means in the next few hours or days. He said that it will be a long message/email, and so I wonder.

Now, I am even more confused. I wonder now if he ever received the text I sent him confessing my feelings. But, as I wonder about this, he did because he receives all my other texts so why wouldn't he receive this particular one? I am not sure what's going on anymore. So, I will wait for his email.

He's all perky in the message, calling me Miss Awesomeness. huh? I'm in over my head. I usually know people's motives before they even know their motives, but I can't figure this guy out, and I don't particularly need to figure him out, but I am just confused I suppose.

posted August 02, 2009 11:44 AM         

He's Aries Sun, Cap Moon, and as Diana said it... his Moon is Cnj my SN and my BML, opp my NN. (the orb, due to chart inaccuracy could be an issue)

edit:

His Sun cnj My Vertex
His Saturn conj My AC

In house overlays, His Venus and Chiron in my 7th.
My Sun and Venus on his 8th

Anyway, I don't doubt the feelings involved, but I just wanted to add this for interest sake.

These are his placements:

posted August 02, 2009 12:01 PM         

I can't figure out if I am you or him in this story...

My 2nd guess was aries. Interesting that you have the same nodal contact!! It always made me feel like I needed to go to him when something was really wrong. This time, he came to me the same day I thought of wishing I could go to him about my mom's health.....weird, but totally fitting with our relationship. I notice you're the SN person. It's weird, but what I just wrote seems like the moon person's actions. I don't understand unless the node person takes on the planet qualities....?

posted August 02, 2009 12:16 PM         

quote:

---

I can't figure out if I am you or him in this story...

---

posted August 02, 2009 09:57 PM         

So, since it has survived for so long, in spite of the bitter, unspoken of period of silence, it seems like you mean a lot to him. Why not summon up the courage to ask him one of these days why he stopped talking to you so long ago? What have you got to lose by asking?

posted August 02, 2009 10:11 PM         

an interesting fact...

in 2007, which was close to the last time we spoke, I sent him a message because I was having dreams about him. It was three dreams one after another. They weren't sexual but were quite pleasant. I had never dreamed of him prior to this period.

I told him about it, tip-toeing and asking him not to make a big deal of it.

He responded by saying:

"ja I dream of u all the time
'dont see anything wrong with that
just accept that one cant control ones subconsciousness when one sleeps
I could maybe influence it with the hope of dreaming of something particular but you'll never be certain so oh well "

posted August 03, 2009 12:00 PM         

Thanks for clearing that up. I'm glad he's gonna write you, i agree with what crabbypatty wrote above so wait, see what he has to say and then do your round of 20 questions.

Unmoved, honest opinion here ok, why don't you just ask for a straight shot of his time and just tell him? Everything you've so eloquently told us here? That you might want more, that even if nothings possible, you would like a constant friendship, etc etc. (please replace the lines as appropriate, i'm just running with examples here).

I think sometimes Unmoved we're hesitant to make ourselves as vulnerable as disclosure would require but personally i'm all for laying all my cards down - with the knowledge that things could not go my way. Open to possibility of what could be + a huge fan of closure. Look at the years you're tracing Unmoved...

posted August 03, 2009 12:20 PM         

I'll wait for his email, and see what he says. Then... if he doesn't profess his love for me, I will. Actually, I'll copy and paste the original post and send it to him (without any links because LL is strictly off limits to my friends)

posted August 03, 2009 12:46 PM         

Same here. In fact, he is the same way, so maybe your guy is too. I didn't realize it and thought it was just me, but last time we talked he told me he always felt nervous around me. So, your guy may too. I seriously think it's the nodal thing.

posted August 03, 2009 01:43 PM         

I already figured that you're afraid of his rejection hon, thats what i meant by saying sometimes we're afraid to be as vulnerable as disclosure requires.

In my experience though, knowledge is better than wondering. I know what you mean about how the way we are is uncharacteristic around such relationships. I've known such and I was so me yet so not, you know? But I did lay out all my cards and what we have is a rare soul friendship today in which we trust ourselves in each other's care like we haven't around people we've known far longer. I started, he followed. Initially old habits came in the way, game playing, drama, witholding secrets etc. but eventually i said enough, lets cut the crap and get to the core of this matter and laid everything on the table which encouraged him to do the same. I don't know if a relationship will ever click (several complications)so am not focused on that, in fact i'm open to moving on from a logical perspective but its equally awesome having someone who has your back.

I love your attitude - you should be hopeful and determined to be happy & never say never anyway!

Yes, wait for his email, and see what he says. Regardless of what he does, if you feel like professing your love, go right ahead. Its whats YOUR part. Its not subject to him right? And do tell him that at the least you want to be friends (i did the same with my person in question) 'coz you do rt? Seriously, life has so much of it's own crap to throw your way that game playing is a waste of time.

Its not pathetic that you're swooning over his pics. Been there, done that & like Diana said, "It's actually kind of fun, in a rip your heart out can't stand waiting kind of way".

posted August 03, 2009 01:49 PM         

quote:

---

But I did lay out all my cards and what we have is a rare soul friendship today in which we trust ourselves in each other's care like we haven't around people we've known far longer. I started, he followed.

---

I'll remember these words!!