posted September 13, 2012 04:05 PM            

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Originally posted by Faith:
God dag, Xiiro =)

(Swedish greeting sounds like an expletive, haha)

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Originally posted by Faith:
Your mom sounds cute, bandages and all. I like Cancers, especially the borderline crazies. And it's so nice of you to take care of your mom. Just wondering, though...does she have a habit of throwing herself into situations that require a hero to come in and rescue her?

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It is one of the issues which resulted in feelings of abandonment for me. She would insist on creating deep bonds with me and then cut them off whenever she wanted to show affection to her husband (She has Aries Moon, Gemini Mars). She was insistent that our connection be vulnerable and deep, otherwise the price was guilt and eventually being cut off in other ways (like - "If you are not going to be vulnerable to me then why should I be expected to put groceries in the house? I put groceries in the house as an expression of my love for you and if you don't love me the way I want, then I have no reason to love you back"). Having two water sign parents is an amazing lesson in emotional flexibility.

My stepfather was only 10 years older than me (he was 19 and she was 39 when they met) and was abandoned by his own mother. When my mother paid attention to her kids, he perceived it as a threat. He threw tantrums, pouted, resorted to emotional manipulation, and made her feel guilty whenever she paid attention to us....so she stopped. Then when he was away, she would sneak back and get offended when we acted apprehensive of her love. She would become more emotionally abusive and/or manipulative until we opened up that genuine "mother and child" connection again, make us feel special, and make all sorts of promises to change the situation. The moment he came home from work or wherever though, she would rarely even acknowledge our existence. I say "our" but my siblings were out of the house at this point, so "my" is probably more fitting.

Eventually she used abandonment as a way to show him she loved him more than any of us. Sometimes she would do stuff like take me school shopping, drop me off at the store, and tell me to go in and get a head start, while she parked the car. She would then take off to meet him and not come back for hours. If she returned and I was mad, she would refuse to take me school shopping HAha. She would take me out for my birthday, or say we were going to do something special, then make us leave early or stop on the way to see him wherever he was. He would then monopolize her time and the "special gesture" was over. By the time I was 12, I lived in my room with the door closed, or out in the back yard playing with our Siberian Huskies. She would knock on the door occasionally and ask if I wanted to go to dinner with them, but it was always an experience of being intentionally ignored and watching them hang on each other, so I always declined. Eventually I just stopped interacting with her. They ate out all the time and she rarely brought home groceries. When she did it was either her leftovers, junk food, or candy. lol She actually used to go to grocery stores, tell them she was a teacher who rewarded her students with candy, and ask them to donate any leftover holiday candy to her. She would come home with brown paper grocery bags overflowing with candy. My diet was basically candy and her scraps until high school, when I started making friends with people who let me eat at their houses.

In an attempt to get her to stop using me as a way to turn my stepfather on, I started responding with anger. When she got manipulative, I would just yell at her. The louder I yelled, or the more I cursed, the more it seemed to stun her and make her stop. I remember one huge fight we had where she was being particularly cruel and I mustered up the courage to say, "God mom, why are you being such a bisch?" She got so angry (I was about 16 and I think it may have been the first time I ever cursed at her) and came crashing down on me with a tidal emotional force, "Nobody calls me a bisch in my house!". So I turned around, opened the front door, walked outside, turned back around and shouted as loud as I could, "FINE...I'll go outside and call you a bisch !" HAha. The moment I threatened to involve the neighborhood, she backed down.

Sometimes she would cry and apologize, I would automatically feel guilty and cry too. Eventually I recognized the tears, and the bullying, and the bargaining were all manipulation too. When she stopped being able to make me cry was when she stopped crying too. So I stopped backing down. Eventually she stopped involving me in her emotional games and just ignored me full-time (which was a very welcome arrangement at that point). I admit I dealt with her immaturely, I just didn't know how else to get out of her emotional cage once I realized how little she valued me.

I don't really see her as cute. I see her as brutally and irreparably lost. To this day, she pretends she never kicked me out and I had to hustle to survive (though I have told her all about it). She believes I am well adjusted because she was a good parent. If you mention anything from the past, she just changes the subject to something completely unrelated or stares at you with glazed over eyes, as her Geminian Mars keeps its self occupied until you are finished. Neither of them have apologized for putting us through so much, but instead just say, "All that stuff is in the past, you are all grown ups now, get over it". She doesn't understand why all her kids can't stand her husband (though she still throws people under the bus as offerings on his altar). To her, everything has always been fine. If her kids have problems, it is because they made them up to steal her attention away from her husband...If only we weren't so jealous.... If only we weren't so demanding.

I take care of her, because it is a practice in dealing directly with my issues that arise around her and learning to deal with them in a healthy way. I also have a deep compassion for my parents, because their lives are lived like animals caught in a trap. They act the way they do, because they are just running off raw, pain induced, reactionary instinct at this point. I will never die in a trap like the ones they are caught in, because I know all too well what they look like and I have the scars to prove it. They may die drown in the quicksand in their own actions and have therefor made a great sacrifice for me, by enduring such suffering, confusion, and loss. And though it may hurt to interact with them, I love the person I am becoming by learning to find compassion for them.

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Originally posted by Faith:
I once heard a persuasive lecture where the dude was saying that chlorophyll can act as an exact replacement for hemoglobin

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Your soup sounds yummy! Have you ever tried tempeh in it? It is the yummiest soy product (and supposedly the healthiest way to prepare soy for eating).

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Originally posted by Faith:
Are you very skinny? I tend to think it all boils down to what kind of energy you want to have and what kind of body you want to have, assuming you are privileged enough to have choices.

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The last time I was weighed, I think I was about 30 lbs overweight, but then I went to the monastery and lost 20 lbs. I was happy to discover my ASC progress out of Taurus and into Gemini over the past couple of years. I have a feeling my self image and my external form is going to change quite a bit.

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Originally posted by Faith:
I'm sorry for pressing you to do more and more mental gymnastics for me, but I love this description very much and for once I feel like being pushy was kind of worth it.

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Okay, well starting where I left off:

When we watch a film, we become so involved in the story that we do two interesting things. First, we forget the movie is flat and consciously engage the movie as if it were a world "filled" with objects. Second, we lose our self in it if the story is compelling. We identify with the characters so deeply that our emotions become theirs, we become a present participant in their world. When they are scared we are scared, when they are overwhelmed, we cry. The "physical truth" is we are staring at lights flashing on a flat plane, but the perceived reality is nothing of the sort (if the creators of the movie did their jobs well). This is similar to our experience of the snowflake. Our awareness experiences a three dimensional story on a 2 dimensional plane. When we say things like, "What connects me now, to me in former lives?" we may as well be saying, "What is the connection between the me who watched Starwars and the me who watched the news on TV yesterday?" the answer to both questions is simply, "the present observer".

Lets say we wanted to take the movie apart and discover how lights on a flat plane could effect us so deeply. So we remove the film from the projector and unwind the whole thing, to get a closer look. When we unroll the movie, we don't see a coherent stream of events stretching from the beginning to the end. We see cells of segmented moments, minute flashes which are so small and travel so quickly, they are perceived as a fluid event.

The same principals apply in video games, as the world is made up of a vast number of pictures or "frames" which refresh so quickly, the experience appears smooth and continuous. When a video game seems choppy, the problem is usually an "fps" or "frames per second" problem.

I found this interesting entry in Wikipedia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frame_rate "The human eye and its brain interface, the human visual system, can process 10 to 12 separate images per second, perceiving them individually.[1] The visual cortex holds onto one image for about one-fifteenth of a second, so if another image is received during that period an illusion of continuity is created, allowing a sequence of still images to give the impression of motion. Early silent films had a frame rate from 14 to 24 FPS which was enough for the sense of motion, but it was perceived as jerky motion. By using projectors with dual- and triple-blade shutters the rate was multiplied two or three times as seen by the audience. Thomas Edison said that 46 frames per second was the minimum: "anything less will strain the eye."[2][3] In the mid- to late-1920s, the frame rate for silent films increased to about 20 to 26 FPS.[2]

When sound film was introduced in 1926, variations in film speed were no longer tolerated as the human ear is more sensitive to changes in audio frequency. From 1927 to 1930, the rate of 24 FPS became standard for 35 mm sound film;[1] a speed of 456 millimetres (18.0 in) per second. This allowed for simple two-blade shutters to give a projected series of images at 48 per second. Many modern 35 mm film projectors use three-blade shutters to give 72 images per second—each frame flashed on screen three times.[2]"

In quantum physics there is a unit of measurement called a "Planck Unit", this is the smallest unit of measurement possible. A Planck unit of volume (for example) would be the smallest amount one could increase or decrease the volume of a song on the radio. Planck units are applicable to anything which could be measured, including space/time. If we divide the smallest unit of measurement (or the smallest unit of space) by the fastest speed possible (or the fastest unit of time. AKA: the speed of light) we get a measurement of a single Planck segment of space and time. For every second of the story we perceive as "My Ongoing Life", 1 / (0.0000000000000000000000000000000000016/299,792,458) Planck frames flicker by. Even our reality is a series of imperceptibly small still-frames, passing at an unimaginable rate, illuminated by our awareness, and projected on the flat screen of our mind.

Crystalline structure is related to this example, because crystals grow in layers of patterns (or cells of patterns). The snowflake is made up of tiny layers of pattern, repeating consecutively until they result in a structure of water-ice or a snowflake. When a pattern is repeated infinitely, it creates shapes called fractals. Fractals are seen everywhere in nature:

The original example of the snowflake is actually a fractal. Every object and its path through time, is a snowflake and each snowflake is connected to all other snowflakes in some way. Like in the above picture, the initial shape is three lines at 120 degree angles. At the end of each line is another three lines, and at the end of those lines another set. Our universe is a vast snowflake and there is a snowflake for every perceivable moment in our universe.

I have used this analogy many times before so bear with me - Consider the food you ate today. So many conditions were required for its ingredients to exist, for it to nourish you, and each of those conditions has its own story or snowflake (all of which converged with your snowflake, the moment you ate breakfast). An egg for example, the chicken it came from, the corn which fed that chicken, the elements which went into growing that corn, the farmer who planted the corn, his breakfast, etc... all of these objects have their own snowflake and each one of them is directly connected to yours in its own way. This is what one of my teachers refers to as "inter-being" all things exist not independently, but interdependently. So much so, that no part of an object is uniquely personal. Every life path is not a solid snowflake when observed closely, they are completely comprised of smaller snowflakes. Your body for example, is a collection of external nutrients arranged in body shape. Your mind is a structure formed by environmental influences. The truth is, the map of "FAITH" is not a well structured chain of events like the picture of the snowflake (as it appears to us while we are inhabiting Faith), but awareness illuminating every possible moment simultaneously. Just as your left and right hands function independently while sharing the same body, all objects function "independently" while sharing the same awareness.

From the perspective of "Faith" or "Xiiro", there is without a doubt, a past and a future. We believe in past, future, identity, and location because our awareness is immersed in the movie. Awareness is omniscient, it only sees limits inside a limited space, because when awareness inhabits limited spaces, it is being aware of limits.

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Originally posted by Faith:
I would love to be able to connect with you again sometime in the future and let you know how successful I was at demolishing this outworn self and recreating something better.

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Originally posted by Faith:
I'm not saying anything outright inappropriate went on, not like that. It's just that, even though I ADORED my father, I found life with them completely intolerable. Couldn't be in the same room with both of them together, 'had to move out of the house as soon as I could.

'Interesting that my husband's Saturn is almost exactly conjunct my father's Saturn, which is tightly conjunct my Venus. Yeah, talk about marrying my dad...LOL!

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It is certainly an interesting synastry. The Ceres influence can transform the relationship into one of service rather than sexuality, but your sister's Eris is on her Saturn, so it was poignant enough where she feels out of sync with the rest of the world because of her paternal experiences. Cancer loves the wounded, because they can always feel needed. They are even prone to maintain people's wounds in order to keep them in a state of need. It looks like your sister's life was defined by her experience with your dad. I imagine it was unnerving for you to participate in, because Cancer loves being energetically and emotionally territorial and demonstrative, "He needs ME now, not YOU". Having Suns squaring your dad's Sun and opposing each other, I am sure she felt your friendship with him was a challenge to their ability to be close. When he needed a caretaker, it is possible the Cancer jumped right in, with the idea that this would finally make her daddy's number 1 girl. Of course because Libra (especially with Moon in Leo) is not an intuitive element (water and earth both are), your dad wouldn't have noticed or understood the intuitive rivalry between your sister and you.

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Originally posted by Faith:
She catches her reflection and, for a split second, she thinks, all friendly, "Hey, I know that girl!" and starts to move toward her own image, smiling. Then she realizes who it is and is stricken with disappointment. "Oh NOooo... it's just me."

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Originally posted by Faith:
I can see why my Pisces moon does set me up for not loving myself, because I naturally try and make sure others are happy, without thinking as much about what makes ME happy. So I give myself the short end of the stick a lot. And it's a special challenge for me to waft through all the dreamy, cloudy Pisces impressions and land on what resonates with me and makes me satisfied.

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Originally posted by Faith:
Your dad seems to have a similar religious disorder to the one my husband has. Hubby's NN is Scorpio and probably near your dad's sun. I hate to have extreme attention paid to issues that I consider to be of almost zero consequence, and have to stand my ground under tremendous pressure to capitulate. Sorry for whining. Just saying, religion can be SUCH a drag!

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Originally posted by Faith:
Is it common for people to be able to feel what's going on in their chakras? And your second sentence there makes me hope you will maybe beam some diamond energy at me one of these days, if you are bored and looking for a charity case.

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Easy peasy lemon squeezie =)

posted September 14, 2012 12:48 AM            

*bow from the waist, palms on thighs, heels together*

I did that because you speak Japanese.

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Originally posted by Xiiro:
Germanic languages are so weird (English included).

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I'm no linguist, that's your department, but I have major grievances against English and all the sadistically complicated spelling rules. How much time has humanity wasted on the superfluous "gh" words alone? Maddeningly inefficient.

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Originally posted by Xiiro:
I don't really see her as cute.

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Truthfully, neither do I, after hearing more about her. I am so sorry that you had to have such an atrocious childhood. You know, as a Cap, I have bone-deep respect for families, and I wouldn't ever want to say anything mean about your parents. But as I see it, you were abused. And, the way I see it, it really seems like you still are being subjected to it. It's good that you are strong enough to deal with your parents, and that you can "make lemons from lemonade"...I know what you mean and I respect you very much for that. However, I wish that you had a healthy mother bringing joy into your life and not leeching from it and trying to throw you off balance. I feel that strongly.

((( Squish ))) Very sorry things are that way for you and your family.

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Originally posted by Xiiro:
My diet was basically candy and her scraps until high school, when I started making friends with people who let me eat at their houses.

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God, that is horrible. All of it is.

My life was idyllic compared to yours, but there are some interesting similarities in our lives. Wanna hear?

First, we've both had hard times dealing with seriously imbalanced Cancer women. (I love "borderline crazies," but my sister is clinically insane.) She tried to act like my mother and she did manipulate my father so that he would cut me down. Going out for dinner with them would have meant becoming the punching bag for the evening's amusements. Probably nowhere near as bad as what you went through...just saying that I had some of that.

Second, I also ate at friends' houses through high school. After my mom died, I didn't really have a "home life." I slept at my best friend's house even on school nights...I often ate dinner alone at the park.

Third similarity is astrology, of course. I have often thought of it as a kind of adoptive parent. You know, like an ideal parent, it knows us very well and accepts us all the same. Like a mother looking on her deformed child and loving it, a chart reading might say, "You have these terrible aspects, and will probably be prone to these issues. It's okay. You can overcome that." I LOVE that and have healed so much through it. Also, I feel like I haven't got much of a background, because so much of my family died or moved away when I was young. Astrology can even provide that missing background. Like my Gemini Mars...it is right around the midpoint between both my grandmothers' Gemini suns. Probably exactly conjunct their composite sun. Okay, so they hated each other. How fitting that it's my Mars sign! And my very strong-willed, harsh grandfathers were both Libras, and that's my Pluto sign.

Just a nice way to feel like I still belong someplace, even if there is no place. All the houses sold and most of the people scattered or dead.

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Originally posted by Xiiro:
And though it may hurt to interact with them, I love the person I am becoming by learning to find compassion for them.

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=) You're just a great person.

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Originally posted by Xiiro:
Your soup sounds yummy! Have you ever tried tempeh in it? It is the yummiest soy product (and supposedly the healthiest way to prepare soy for eating).

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Ooo good idea! I like tempeh, but it looks so rotten when you buy it, I always wonder whether it's gone bad or not, and then I get too scared to eat it. 'Wasted a lot of money on tempeh. I have to cook it all straight out of the package the day I buy it, or it starts to become the boogeyman of my fridge.

Rabbits are hypochondriacs.

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Originally posted by Xiiro:
This is a difficult question to answer, because Chiron in Taurus 1st House makes me see a fat unattractive person when I look in the mirror.

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No, Snakes are always good looking and that cancels everything else out. Oh wait that might sound like I am being flippant even though I am actually not. (My best friend is a Snake, and even when she was forty pounds overweight she could not walk into a room without creating a kind of buzz of interest wheresoever she slithered. I'm so proud of her.)

So I don't know what you look like, but I doubt it's fat, and if you were fat, I doubt anyone would care unless if they were worried about your health. You're a Snake! Wish I were, it seems like the coolest of the Chinese zodiac signs.

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Originally posted by Xiiro:
I spent a lot of time selecting the perfect snowflake. I'm glad it resonated. =)

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Thank you! Yes, it really did.

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Originally posted by Xiiro:
We identify with the characters so deeply that our emotions become theirs, we become a present participant in their world. When they are scared we are scared, when they are overwhelmed, we cry.

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You too, then? =) It's good to read that. For at least twenty years I've been marveling aloud about how weird it is that I can cry so easily when I identify with movie characters, but cannot emote that easily without all the dramatics. It bothers me to be like that, but you are painting the experience in a kindlier light. I CAN live vicariously, CAN live entirely in empathy mode, no harm in that, I am just blending in with the bigness, right?

I love the cute film strip of older people talking, thanks for including it. Venus trine Saturn here, and I love old people very much.

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Originally posted by Xiiro:
So much so, that no part of an object is uniquely personal. Every snowflakes is not a solid snowflake when observed closely, they are completely comprised of other snowflakes. Your body for example, is a collection of external nutrients arranged in body shape. Your mind is a structure formed by how other things have influenced you.

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Following all of this and nodding my head. I can understand how the body is the nutrients, how it's like a collage of things and events that developed all over the world, but isn't there more to the mind than its structure, created in the past...or is present awareness and all the potential to tap into larger things not really "mind" but something else?

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Originally posted by Xiiro:
We believe in past, future, and location because our awareness is immersed in the movie, but awareness is omniscient, it only sees limits inside a limited space.

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Oh I think you just answered my question. So awareness is like the "one mind." And it's all fractal-like. I am not finished thinking about this, I am optimistic that if I sat with it for a while it would set off some sparks in my head, but it hasn't happened yet. I'll let you know when/if it does.

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Originally posted by Xiiro:
I certainly welcome the idea. I enjoy the way we relate and would definitely love to hear where your path leads you =)

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Thank you! I'm so happy that I haven't stuck my foot in my mouth enough (yet) to deter you from being open to contact in the future!

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Originally posted by Xiiro:
When he needed a caretaker, the Cancer jumped right in and with the idea that this would finally make her daddy's number 1 girl.

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Thanks so much for talking to me about my dad and sister, it's a relief that you could see some of the bigger problems in the chart. That sentence above has me choked up. When my father had a mini stroke in 2006, he was in the hospital for over a week, being tended to by my sister, before they decided to call the rest of the family. During that time, my father had been starved by the hospital staff. He couldn't swallow because of the stroke, and they wouldn't give him a feeding tube for reasons we never found out. I believe that week of starvation sealed his doom but my sister wasn't "with it" enough to oversee what was going on.

Being told that my father had had a stroke and was suffering out of my reach, and it was DELIBERATELY kept secret from me and the rest of my family...that was one of the most infuriating things I ever lived through. While I loved my dad all my life, our relationship kind of fell apart at the end.

Just another thing to try and sympathize with myself about and move on past, because I can't fix it now. Good thing is that I am superstitiously convinced that my father's spirit is still around me, and he has forgiven my failures.

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Originally posted by Xiiro:
I am not sure it is common, but it is certainly a real sense once you learn to use it. Its a bit like realizing you have been walking around with your nose plugged all your life, and then you slowly learn how to pick your nose. Gradually you notice subtle smells and eventually you get to a point where you know exactly what certain smells are associated with.

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Hehehe "slowly you learn how to pick your nose." Can't imagine that, my toddlers seem to do it instinctively, especially in public and when talking to affluent-looking adults.

But seriously, maybe this is kind of like how I experience food in my guts differently from other people, now that I've learned how food is digested in my body (with the help of Ayurvedic descriptions.) I'm no master at it, but I have a good sense of how food will feel before I eat it. So that's like a baby step, I guess, in moving toward "alternative" states of awareness. (Keen observation is so rare, I think it is like an alternative to the usual torpor and distraction.)

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Originally posted by Xiiro:
I think it would be better for you to practice creating your own diamond energy.

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Somehow I knew I wasn't going to get a free ride ever. =) LOL

Okay, I will try. I have a big diamond, not telling where I store it because this is the internet and everyone knows that prowlers are laying in wait for foolish, status-conscious Capricorns to boast of their riches and their whereabouts online. But I have a good diamond to play with and see what happens. 'Will report back, by and by.

Thanks for the conversation, a fine night of merry-making and adventure to you, if you like.

I'm about to shed my consciousness and go for a stroll in dreamland. =)

posted September 14, 2012 05:16 AM            

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Originally posted by Faith:
But as I see it, you were abused. And, the way I see it, it really seems like you still are being subjected to it.

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Originally posted by Faith:
((( Squish ))) Very sorry things are that way for you and your family.

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Originally posted by Faith:
Going out for dinner with them would have meant becoming the punching bag for the evening's amusements.

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Originally posted by Faith:
I slept at my best friend's house even on school nights...I often ate dinner alone at the park.

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Originally posted by Faith:
Third similarity is astrology, of course. I have often thought of it as a kind of adoptive parent.....Just a nice way to feel like I still belong someplace, even if there is no place. All the houses sold and most of the people scattered or dead.

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Originally posted by Faith:
So I don't know what you look like, but I doubt it's fat, and if you were fat, I doubt anyone would care unless if they were worried about your health.

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A couple months ago:

At the monastery:

Being a gay man is a bit like being a woman in the effect that you learn to make your self attractive to people who are visually oriented. The materialistic theme in mainstream gay culture has always bugged me and I only recently came to understand why it exists.

I was watching a classic gay documentary called "Paris Is Burning". It's focus is on the New York gay community in the late 70's early 80's. One of the interviewees was a 50-some-odd year old career drag queen. He commented on how gay people live their entire young lives under constant surveillance. They are petrified that if they act or appear gay, people will discover their secret (which was MUCH more dangerous back in that time). By the time they find a community and/or come out, they are so trained to watchdog their appearance, that a transition is made based on the same principals. We go from being afraid people will not love us because of how we look or act, and move into being afraid people won't love us because of how we look or act.

Many women suffer something similar when their hormones get shot to sh!t. They are raised fearing they won't be accepted based on how they look or act and then when beauty becomes a challenge, it's time for a facelift.

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Originally posted by Faith:
I CAN live vicariously, CAN live entirely in empathy mode, no harm in that, I am just blending in with the bigness, right?

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Originally posted by Faith:
Following all of this and nodding my head. I can understand how the body is the nutrients, how it's like a collage of things and events that developed all over the world, but isn't there more to the mind than its structure, created in the past...or is present awareness and all the potential to tap into larger things not really "mind" but something else?

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In Pali (the original language of many Buddhist sutras), the word we translate as "Mind" is more associated with the western definition of "Heart" or "Spirit". In the above examples, I am using the western definition of Mind. To answer your question, I don't believe mind is more than the acquisition, and application of data. As our emotions mix with our mind we develop psychology. I believe our life is built upon our very first experience of reality, and from that one moment, an entire persona forms. Just like the progressing natal chart.

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Originally posted by Faith:
Oh I think you just answered my question. So awareness is like the "one mind." And it's all fractal-like.

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Originally posted by Faith:
Being told that my father had had a stroke and was suffering out of my reach, and it was DELIBERATELY kept secret from me and the rest of my family...that was one of the most infuriating things I ever lived through. While I loved my dad all my life, our relationship kind of fell apart at the end.

Just another thing to try and sympathize with myself about and move on past, because I can't fix it now. Good thing is that I am superstitiously convinced that my father's spirit is still around me, and he has forgiven my failures.

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You may have convinced your self your dad forgives you, but it's not his forgiveness you need, it's your own. Not being kept informed put you in a position of helplessness, because you weren't able to act when it was needed and because you were intentionally left out. But I also feel you hold your self accountable for not attempting to be more active in his care. It's as if you were bullied to the side and couldn't really do anything. But now you are angry at your self, because you convinced your self you were intentionally staying away (not willing to accept the shame of being bullied).

The hard pill to swallow is the fact that life unfolds perfectly. And frustratingly enough, this is a major theme for Pisces Moon. You are not responsible for your father's death and torturing your self for being bullied, is not a productive pursuit. Pisces Moon must choose the comfortable path, or the right path. One path is upstream and the other is down. The downstream path is comfortable and flows instinctively, but the fish dies without fulfilling their reason for swimming. The upstream path is tough, often uncomfortable, and challenging. When this fish reaches the end they are too exhausted to do more than procreate and die. But they fulfill the meaning of their life.

I think you hold your self accountable because it was easier not to challenge your sister, then to stand up to her. And I think not being able to stop him from being neglected threw in your face how far you let your sister scare you away. Instead of sympathizing and moving past, why not face the feelings with honesty, give your self a break for the stuff you were not experienced enough to control, and let this bag of rocks fall off your back so you can dance freely with the good memories?

Sorry if I'm way off. It was just a feeling which arose. If it is true, then give your self some credit for sharing a deep, genuine, natural, and loving relationship with your dad. A relationship that wasn't born out of the need for a caretaker, or a replacement for your mother (who your crazy sister was much more like). No offense intended.

quote:

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Originally posted by Faith:
So that's like a baby step, I guess, in moving toward "alternative" states of awareness. (Keen observation is so rare, I think it is like an alternative to the usual torpor and distraction.)

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Faith:
Okay, I will try. I have a big diamond, not telling where I store it because this is the internet and everyone knows that prowlers are laying in wait for foolish, status-conscious Capricorns to boast of their riches and their whereabouts online. But I have a good diamond to play with and see what happens. 'Will report back, by and by.

---

posted September 14, 2012 11:12 PM            

LOL to the Hindu script, I was going to do the same thing next. We with our great minds, thinking alike. =)

How are you, & how is your weekend so far? It's been this strangely emotional day for me, and I can't figure out why. Maybe because of the new moon approaching. I actually like it, it makes the music I listen to sound better (when I can hear the music over the endless chatter of children.) Other than that...and the fact that I awoke this morning to a panoramic pink sky with deer and big turkeys moseying around the field all tranquilly, and enjoyed the privilege of enchantment for a while....no big news.

As we were saying...

quote:

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Originally posted by Xiiro:
When she becomes emotionally manipulative now, I just walk away....When she goes to poke or pinch me I am a smooth infinite surface, she simply slides off.

---

So happy to hear it. Hope I can become like that, a rapid diagnostician and prudent evader.

quote:

---

Originally posted by Xiiro:
I have become an emotional enigma. My grasp of emotion is so much more vast than hers at this point.

---

You are not an enigma to yourself though? I get the feeling you understand yourself, and human nature, deeply. Just wondering how being enigmatic fits into your larger philosophy, if you are inclined to talk about it.

You got me thinking about myself. I would also say that I am enigmatic, but only in the sense that I am emotional, and I don't know what emotions are going to spring up at any time, so I am not always prepared to "package" them on the spot for people who might look at me and ask for explanations. The other day I was with some friends, and one friend was eating peanut butter on a rice cake, and I was staring at it curiously. She's wonderfully blunt so she asked why I was staring. "Don't know," I said. She offered that I might be intrigued that she could be eating something so healthy and still be fat. That made it harder for me to concentrate and I just said "No..." and fudged my way through the interrogation.

Only today, with the help of our conversation here, did I finally manage to attach words to that cloud that was in my head when I was staring at her rice cake. She called me right after I figured it out (don't you love synchronicity?) and I told her that the staring was about this: I have a big health library and a lot of facts in my head about nutrition. I shop very carefully based on what I have taken from that library. She does not, she doesn't even read health books. So it seems to me that she shops by a whole other process, based on logic and intuition. (She's a Cap-Aquarius cusp person, so it figures.) I said, "You probably just took the short-cut to health food, didn't you? Like you thought, 'I should be healthy, so I will go to the health section, see what looks good, and eat it." She said, "Yes, exactly." I said, "No books involved at all?" She said, "I don't think I need them and don't have time." And that gives me a lot to think about....like, is there anything for me to emulate here?

And I was "thinking" all of that without words while staring at her rice cake, but it was an enigma even to me, because the words hadn't come yet. I learned it was just a feeling sort of like jealousy and respect, but only after she compelled me to explain it. Normally, people don't even ask, and I don't ever bother to formulate the whole thought. This is another illustration of the way I function as an amorphous cloud.

Additionally I am enigmatic in the "once bitten, twice shy" kind of way. My husband thinks I am just a little too cold, and when I talk about my feelings he usually jokes..."You?! have feelings???" And he calls me a poor communicator. Plenty of junk in my chart points to this but at the end of the day, I am always at least trying to be emotionally intelligent, so I give myself a break. Sometimes, in rare moods, I ascribe my habitual aloofness to the same old heartbreak of losing that Virgo I have mentioned. At such times, it seems to me that I am doing this. But not always. Less and less, thankfully, as the years roll on.

Not intending to be invasive or comment on you, just feeling emotional today and wanting to ride that wave a little. (Or a lot, depending on your tolerance level for sentimental tangents.) =)

quote:

---

Originally posted by Xiiro:
It can be damaging to Earthy folks who sense no apparent offense, flaw, or reason to be excluded, yet still experience the intuitive depth of being treated like an outcast.... It is difficult for them to click with the idea that sometimes water signs do irrational things, because the results of those actions end up being the useful or rational part.

---

Extremely insightful. Yes, earth and water see a lot of themselves in each other and may get discombobulated where the paths unexpectedly diverge.

quote:

---

Originally posted by Xiiro:
Being a Sag, I actually liked the feeling of an unstructured home where I could come and go any time and for any reason.

---

At the time, I enjoyed it as well. I was given a lot of freedom as a child, to the point where I think it verged on neglect, but I absolutely loved it, and it proved to be good training for when my mother died. Then I relied on that independent spirit to carry on comfortably.

Sitting in a park at night eating my $1 Wendy's salad and $1 baked potato, I felt perfectly content. You know, Pisces moons tend to love aloneness, and I am very "granola" and just love hanging out by a lake in the darkness. But, taking a cue from your flexible snowflake lesson, I can also say that in different moods and from different angles, the picture changes. If I think of myself at 7 years old, sitting down to dinner with my parents and five siblings, and feeling so very loved and complete being together....if someone had said, "In ten years, you will have none of this" I would have been inconsolable. And that reveals my fundamental love of my family, and desire to be with them.

If I were sitting there eating my salad and potato in the park, and my family could have materialized, I probably would having broken down crying with joy and relief to be reunited with them. (As the saying goes, "Sometimes you don't know what you need until it's given to you.") I wasn't feeling sorry for myself at the time, not at all, but from my vantage point now, especially as a mother, there was a sadness underlying the experience...a whole current of family-related sadness that began when I was born and will carry on until the end. But it's only there if I look at it. At the time, I wasn't looking at it. It wasn't there, peace in solitude was there.

You know it's just like an image that I can put captions under, and they change quite a bit. This is why I think I will never write a memoir. I like moving everything around a lot. It's not a static story at all. Your talking to me reiterates that.

Somewhat relevant quote that I encountered today, or an unusual opinion at least:

"Everything I had ever struggled to learn I found I had already survived..I had achieved my purpose- everything in life that I had set out to do, I had accomplished. I had wanted to know how it felt to be a hobo, a radical, a prostitute, a thief, a reformer, a social worker, and a revolutionist. Now I knew. Yes, it was all worthwhile to me. There were no tragedies in my life. Yes, my prayers had been answered."

Box-Car Bertha, Sister of the Road

quote:

---

Originally posted by Xiiro:
Being a gay man is a bit like being a woman in the effect that you learn to make your self attractive to people who are visually oriented.

---

Ok. I am usually frumpy, haven't learned that lesson, and cannot relate entirely to the above statement. But I see what you are saying.

I am extremely visually oriented but, to clarify, my standards of beauty are tied in with my standards of human decency. Because I appreciate people who are caring, and I see great concern in your eyes, that is beauty to me. And please don't squirm, it wouldn't matter if you were a woman or a paraplegic or a dog or a child...the expression itself is what I smile at. And knowing how kind and helpful you are on this forum, to see a picture of a person who looks even more kind and helpful than I was picking up on...it's important to me to comprehend that. You are even NICER than I knew, and that's heartening.

This is why I actually hate the telephone and rarely call people. I rely on visual cues to navigate the conversation. It's important to me, I feel handicapped without this. When I was young I saw SO much in expressions that, as I said, I think I deliberately blinded myself because I couldn't handle it all. Now, I can handle it and usually feel a need to see it. So, yeah...thank you for the pictures!

Big surprise is how much you remind me of my brother Patrick. (Real name, haha. And my sister is Mary.) He also has a shaved head and goatee and very expressive eyes. He's an Aries sun and I just emailed him for a birth time, he replied and sure enough, he's a Pisces moon. Which explains a lot, wow.

quote:

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Originally posted by Xiiro:
We go from being afraid people will not love us because of how we look or act, and move into being afraid people won't love us because of how we look or act.

---

I really appreciate you sharing this. It must be devastatingly hard for some people to come out and adjust to people knowing their orientation. Was it very hard for you?

Some of the material aspects you mention in that culture seem like a defense mechanism...not always a helpful one. Still, if I think of how many positive adjectives are now worked into the perception of male homosexuality...a lot of them have to do with artistry worked through material...culminating in sheer beauty. ("Gay men are the best interior designers, great at landscaping" etc.) And I don't think beauty is superficial.

Dostoyevsky: “The awful thing is that beauty is mysterious as well as terrible."

As a side note, I also think that lesbians, on average, are not given the same level of respect as gay men, and I don't understand that. I think maybe, perhaps, possibly women are the driving force in these perceptions, and straight women feel kindlier toward gay men than gay women? I could be totally wrong and putting my foot in my mouth. But I mean no harm, I just want to say that I don't think there's a strong, pervasive idea of what lesbianism's contribution to society is just yet.

quote:

---

Originally posted by Xiiro:
To answer your question, I don't believe mind is more than the acquisition, and application of data. As our emotions mix with our mind we develop psychology.

---

A good working definition.

quote:

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Originally posted by Xiiro:
I believe our life is built upon our very first experience of reality, and from that one moment, an entire persona forms. Just like the progressing natal chart.

---

Interesting! I have been playing with the theory that when we are born, we become the living embodiment of the whole energy of the universe at that moment. It's like we are stamped with that first impression...which, in other words means that our first experience of reality is shaped by the universe. =)

quote:

---

Originally posted by Xiiro:
With awareness reality is a byproduct, like sunlight shining through a stained glass window and projecting fractal images on the floor.

---

I very faintly grasp that but there are no words in my thought-cloud yet, to personalize the idea and integrate it into my mind. I am still working on the snowflake, Schroedinger's Cat, Planck unit constellation of concepts, it hasn't entirely clicked, but things like that usually do click for me eventually.

quote:

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Originally posted by Xiiro:
I apologize if this crosses a line...

---

Well, for the record, nothing crosses the line... I have no lines. No question asked or opinion rendered with kind intention ever offends me.

quote:

---

Originally posted by Xiiro:
But I also feel you hold your self accountable for not attempting to be more active in his care. It's as if you were bullied to the side and couldn't really do anything.

---

I really, really appreciate your willingness to talk this out. Unfortunately it is more complicated than just that first week of not being told about the stroke, because my father was dying for 7 months after that, and a lot transpired. And it's connected to issues I still face and don't feel like I can even talk about. I mean it's just too big and sticky for a forum discussion.

quote:

---

Originally posted by Xiiro:
Instead of sympathizing and moving past, why not face the feelings with honesty, give your self a break for the stuff you were not experienced enough to control, and let this bag of rocks fall off your back so you can dance freely with the good memories?

---

It seems to me that I have very heavy karma to work out here, that's all I can think of to say. But thank you so much for your help and input. Means alot.

I guess this is a time to refrain from squishing because I don't want to squish you too much.

quote:

---

Originally posted by Xiiro:
The difficulty is learning how to move one's opinions, doubts, and expectations out of the way. feeling energetic states is a subtle and observant art.

---

The more you talk the more resolved I am to progress along those lines and take happy notice of my subtle graduations in perception. I hope we CAN talk more about this.

Back to snowflakes for a second...

quote:

---

Originally posted by Xiiro:
Our universe is a vast snowflake and there is a snowflake for every perceivable moment in our universe.

---

Is there any difference between this and holograms, aside from shape? I don't know how fractals and holograms are related. Nerdy geometry question, just in case you have a convenient answer handy that you'd like to share.

quote:

---

Originally posted by Xiiro:
I have never heard that, I'll check it out.

---

Sometimes I think I am going senile because I forget so much...what a treat it was to remember the gentleman's name who gave that lecture: David Sandoval, author of The Green Foods Bible.

He says, amongst other things...

quote:

---

But it is Chlorophyll's amazing similarity to hemoglobin that is the first clue to it's potential...

---

And that's all for this evening. I just want to share this Irish blessing with you, because it's so minimalist and good. I have this on my nightstand:

posted September 17, 2012 05:54 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Faith:
You are not an enigma to yourself though? I get the feeling you understand yourself, and human nature, deeply. Just wondering how being enigmatic fits into your larger philosophy, if you are inclined to talk about it.

---

How enigmas factor into my worldview is simple. "Everything in its right Place" (No my Saturn is totally not in Virgo....why do you ask?). Quantum physics has proved that the scale by which we interact with the world, is subject to specific rules, which just don;t exist on a quantum level. Simply put, rules change as the situation changes. The quantum world and our world are not separate worlds, they function together. The same goes for the snowflake, and Planck units, and personal existence. The universe is a very flexible construct. What is anomalous, paradoxical, abstract, or enigmatic from one perspective is just a morning bowl of cereal from another.

I think the key to understanding the universe, is understanding how invested we are in things. Because the more invested we are in something, the more that something defines our world. The snowflake (or whatever our individual universe looks like) doesn't really matter. This is "The Answer" God whispered into my ear.

quote:

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Originally posted by Faith:
And I was "thinking" all of that without words while staring at her rice cake, but it was an enigma even to me, because the words hadn't come yet.

---

This is actually one thing that attracts me to Aquarian partners. Their sense of self is abstract clouds with flashes of lucidity throughout LOL. Add a Uranus in Scorpio, and all those flashes penetrate into the deepest parts of whatever they are comprehending. For me, it's like opening up Christmas presents. It's pretty and shiny on the outside, and you know there has got to be something good inside. So what if sometimes you get socks? Socks are occasionally useful and the excitement of opening the box makes even the most depressing gifts exciting for a moment.

quote:

---

Originally posted by Faith:
Additionally I am enigmatic in the "once bitten, twice shy" kind of way. My husband thinks I am just a little too cold, and when I talk about my feelings he usually jokes..."You?! have feelings???" And he calls me a poor communicator.

---

Perhaps your ability to so eloquently communicate your warm and richly emotional internal experiences, gets lost in translation between brain and world?

quote:

---

Originally posted by Faith:
Not intending to be invasive or comment on you, just feeling emotional today and wanting to ride that wave a little. (Or a lot, depending on your tolerance level for sentimental tangents.) =)

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Faith:
You know it's just like an image that I can put captions under, and they change quite a bit. This is why I think I will never write a memoir. I like moving everything around a lot. It's not a static story at all. Your talking to me reiterates that.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Faith:
"Everything I had ever struggled to learn I found I had already survived..I had achieved my purpose- everything in life that I had set out to do, I had accomplished. I had wanted to know how it felt to be a hobo, a radical, a prostitute, a thief, a reformer, a social worker, and a revolutionist. Now I knew. Yes, it was all worthwhile to me. There were no tragedies in my life. Yes, my prayers had been answered."

Box-Car Bertha, Sister of the Road

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Faith:
Ok. I am usually frumpy, haven't learned that lesson, and cannot relate entirely to the above statement. But I see what you are saying.

---

When stereotypical men get together they speak objectively about women (so much so that I often wonder how in the closet a guy has to be, to say some of the crap that gets discussed). Just recently I was at my parent's office doing paperwork and my stepfather was talking with one of his employees about one of our client's breasts. The same happens among gay guys. We tend to fall into the role of objectifying each other. So we spend hours in the bathroom plucking and making our selves look pretty, just to go out and feel either sleazed on by some guy, or picked apart by our competition.

This happens all the time in the world of women, and the main reason we share these experiences, is because we are expected to compete in drawing the attention of visually stimulated targets.

quote:

---

Originally posted by Faith:
You are even NICER than I knew, and that's heartening.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Faith:
Big surprise is how much you remind me of my brother Patrick.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Faith:
I really appreciate you sharing this. It must be devastatingly hard for some people to come out and adjust to people knowing their orientation. Was it very hard for you?

---

My Virgo/Libra brother is homophobic, and knows I am gay because my Gemini sister told him, but he had a stroke a while ago and gave up almost any view which could stand in the way of his relationships with those he loves. He is also very conservative, but unlike my sister, can discuss politics without taking the conversation to a personal place.

I have been lucky because:

1). I was raised in a decent time/place for a person to be gay.

2). I never cared what others thought about anything I considered a fundamental part of my self. If I can't change it, then there is no use freaking out over people who dislike me because of it.

Had I been raised anywhere else or any generation before our own, it would have been a lot more work. Don't get me wrong, I have been harassed by people carrying hateful signs, and the second gay pride parade I attended was disrupted by someone tossing teargas into the crowd. I was bullied and harassed all my youth by my peers and there is still a caution which hangs on me whenever I go someplace public (especially a place with straight bars). I have lived in a time where ignorant/fearful people are taken seriously when speaking out about my own livelihood. I have lived in the era of GRID/AIDS, DADT, Prop. 8, and the struggle for equal rights. But before I was born times were a lot worse.

Though being gay in today is still a struggle, I have a lot more to be thankful for than to be sad about.

quote:

---

Originally posted by Faith:
As a side note, I also think that lesbians, on average, are not given the same level of respect as gay men, and I don't understand that. I think maybe, perhaps, possibly women are the driving force in the these perceptions, and straight women feel kindlier toward gay men than gay women?

---

When Men discover other men are gay, they fear they will be thought about by those men, similarly to how they think about women. There is also a societal rule that states men are better than women, so any man who wants to do female things must be mentally broken, because who would want to do anything associated with being a woman? Gay men threaten straight men, because we challenge everything a boy is raised to believe. We represent to them first, that men enjoy the feeling of sex, and that sex with other men could feel good. We also represent to them that men can be vulnerable, caring, receptive and susceptible to harm.

Society's acceptance of gay women is sexualized, where men are accepted as either emotionally sick or silly. If you look at media, gay men are depicted as either wh0res or clowns and lesbians are generally sexy. Women tend to accept gay men more, because we are usually what they look for in a man (strong, sensitive, funny, empathic, physically well maintained, aesthetically oriented, and not having a conversation with her boobs). Men fear us, because they fear we are undressing them in our heads as we talk to them (because that is what happens in their head when they talk to women). They just haven't seemed to get through their heads, that we have standards. Chances are if you're a guy who fears we are undressing you... you have nothing to worry about.

Lesbians shine in our community, because they are the ones who change the tires on all the gay pride floats. LOL HAha just kidding. Lesbians DO seem to be more capable of getting stuff done, when the men in our community are good for planning and designing. I think women still get less credit within the gay community, even though many work their butts off. But women always have that extra struggle whenever they are put into the same space with men. Just cause gay guys identify with some of the struggles of hetero women, it doesn't mean we comprehend the struggles of being a women in general.

I'm interested in hearing what makes up your view. Perhaps things are different where you live?

quote:

---

Originally posted by Faith:
I very faintly grasp that but there are no words in my thought-cloud yet, to personalize the idea and integrate it into my mind. I am still working on the snowflake, Schroedinger's Cat, Planck unit constellation of concepts, it hasn't entirely clicked, but things like that usually do click for me eventually.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Faith:
Well, for the record, nothing crosses the line... I have no lines. No question asked or opinion rendered with kind intention ever offends me.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Faith:
I really, really appreciate your willingness to talk this out. Unfortunately it is more complicated than just that first week of not being told about the stroke, because my father was dying for 7 months after that, and a lot transpired. And it's connected to issues I still face and don't feel like I can even talk about. I mean it's just too big and sticky for a forum discussion.

---

If you do want someone to talk to, I am available.

quote:

---

Originally posted by Faith:

Is there any difference between this and holograms, aside from shape? I don't know how fractals and holograms are related. Nerdy geometry question, just in case you have a convenient answer handy that you'd like to share.

---

posted September 17, 2012 10:39 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by RedScorp:
Hey Xiiro...I hope it doesn't come off like I'm using you or anything, but no one really seems to understand minor aspects! I have Venus quintile Neptune (but not Moon/Uranus apparently.) What might that denote?

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I opened this thread in response to your question. The link is very thorough on how Quintiles work.

posted September 18, 2012 01:56 PM            

I am loving this conversation and talking to you in my head quite a bit, enjoying it =)

It'll be a while before I get my thoughts in order, and as you might have seen, I am trying to atone for a mistake I made at LL yesterday. So I am trying to resolve that and free my mind up for play and exploration again.

Hope your life is happy and your back isn't sore from moving.

ttyl

posted September 19, 2012 02:07 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by RedScorp:
Is the conversation over? Damn! It was indeed a great read! It's almost a shame to see an end to such a great exchange of information. Until next time, though, right?

---

posted September 19, 2012 04:48 PM            

'Just have a LOT to say this time, and too much busy-ness in my household to get it all down at once.

posted September 19, 2012 05:39 PM            

How is life, how are you?

There was a lull in activity at home so I could finish my draft sooner than expected. LOL about your friend selling her parents' stuff. Sounds like...it kind of serves them right? And I'm sorry the chickens are vandalizing again. Some people love them as pets/friends, but why, if that's their personality? I don't get chicken love.

I enjoyed this post so much I found it hard to not reply to every sentence, but here goes...

quote:

---

Originally posted by Xiiro:
I am generally made to sit in a room with those emotions and face them 24/7, so comprehending what emotions are caused by what, and how to change my emotional state to influence the external world can become second nature.

---

Fascinating. Can you tell me more about that please? I barely ever think of influencing the external world with my emotional state, except that I have this broad sense that if I am calm, level-headed, and upstanding, then I am playing the role I want to play in society. There isn't much complexity or nuance to it.

Also I think people are like plants in that, if you just pay attention to them, they thrive more.

quote:

---

Originally posted by Xiiro:
Sometimes I catch my self taking the energy of a situation and twisting it into a different direction. When I was younger I was just manipulative, but as I have matured, I use it to open healthy things up in people, or change a downward spiraling situation into something more positive.

---

*clapping* That's right, you do that! I love it!

quote:

---

Originally posted by Xiiro:
Beings are like constantly evolving Rubik's Cubes. We take time to comprehend and at specific points in our lives, we can even be solved. I have learned to be a puzzle she can't solve.

---

'Love this analogy, I'm seeing a computer graphic line drawing of a Rubik's Cube spinning and morphing around while I write about it. I know what you mean but so firmly resist the idea of ever being solved, even temporarily, myself. It's anathema to me. I put so much effort into being a traveling x-marks-the-spot.

As for the relationship with your mom, I think it's good that you are challenging her to adopt some coping mechanisms. She can't just follow a simple prescription for your affections (like your stepfather who seems to just want her to be at her beck and call, and for her to put him first.) Hopefully as she learns to treasure you for all you are contributing to her life, she will grow into a person who can fully appreciate whatever you are willing to share, and be content with that much.

quote:

---

Originally posted by Xiiro:
How enigmas factor into my worldview is simple. "Everything in its right Place" (No my Saturn is totally not in Virgo....why do you ask?).

---

LOL. I loooove that expression, too. In my personal religion it is like one of the Ten Commandments.

quote:

---

Originally posted by Xiiro:
The universe is a very flexible construct. What is anomalous, paradoxical, abstract, or enigmatic from one perspective is just a morning bowl of cereal from another.

---

I can't believe my good luck that I made a friend (can I call you that?) who says this exact kind of stuff that resonates with me so well. Your mind is fireworks to me and it's just morning cereal to you. =)

quote:

---

Originally posted by Xiiro:
Their sense of self is abstract clouds with flashes of lucidity throughout LOL. Add a Uranus in Scorpio, and all those flashes penetrate into the deepest parts of whatever they are comprehending.

---

I can relate to that. I think my Mercury appreciates the tight square to Scorpio Uranus, because it's got this insatiable appetite for more and more electricity, but it doesn't always appreciate all the tricky, dark stuff that Uranus throws to it. My Leo Saturn turns that relationship into a t-square, probably tamps down the energy but also gives it longevity. If I write for a really long time, all kinds of weird critters come tumbling out.

And I really love talking to Aquarius people, too. My Aquarius brother calls me at odd times raving about his newest kooky idea, and I never talk to anybody as fast as him. We laugh a lot. I think we say a lot of serious things but don't really take any of it too seriously...we are a bubbly batch of people.

quote:

---

Originally posted by Xiiro:
Perhaps your ability to so eloquently communicate your warm and richly emotional internal experiences, gets lost in translation between brain and world?

---

Thank you! That's difficult for me to answer, I think you'd have to know me. I am candid and forthright with people, but I feel my way into the process. People who talk about themselves a lot (edit: what I meant was, almost exclusively) don't ever get to know me, because I will usually just defer to them, and keep asking questions. I take the back seat very comfortably and don't mind if I never reveal much, unless the conversation gets painfully dull, then I will have to fix it. Sometimes if they are cruelly boring, and especially if I had too much hot sauce that day, I will retaliate by saying something outrageous or embarrassing, just to throw them off kilter. I mean, I look normal and conservative but can conduct myself eccentrically without a second thought.

But all of that only gets down to a certain level. My 8H Pisces moon feels to me like an abyss, and often, the more important something is to me, the less I can say about it. It goes so deep I can't retrieve it. My moon also forms a t-square with Neptune and Mars, making for some weird emotions that my Cap sun sees no use for and ultimately tries to ignore. That can be a problem in intimate relationships where every emotion seems to come up for scrutiny eventually, and I just don't know how to verbalize stuff that Cappy would politely refer to as "batsh*t insane." It's not really a problem in friendship, since all my close friends are girls, and the friendships developed organically with our respective boundaries of communication "approved" at every stage from hello to BFFs.

I'm pretty average in that generally when I meet someone, the major thing going on is developing the language that will be particular to our relationship: learning what its limitations and hiccups will be, what its humor is like, its vocabulary and emotional scope, how much insanity can be mutually confessed. I'm very give-and-take like that, and it seems you are, too. It's not like we charge into conversations with an agenda or list of talking points we feel driven to rattle off, including our achievements and prejudices (it's hilarious there even are people like that! Ha!)

Usually when both people are accepting (like us...if you don't mind me saying so), what I loosely think of as the "fluency" stage is reached faster, where communication can fly back and forth without hitting an unexpected wall and just crashing. Even some people whom I have "bad" synastry with, I can talk to satisfyingly, because of mutual tolerance and respect. Once that's been proved out like a sturdy bridge, a lot of my crazy inner life gets put across, if not in explicit detail then with stories, hints, or oblique random stuff that kind of flashes my inner workings at them.

Making a conversation is like an art form or collage, the things you think to throw in there. The internet is good for that in one way, you can post pictures and movies and songs. You can take an hour to come up with a sentence and pretend that your brain just spits that out instantly all the time. In person, it's everything else- your expressions, body language, style. I actually have no preference for one over the other, except that crowds do oppress me with too much emotional flotsam and jetsam in the air. Do you have a preference? Do people's jaws drop faster when they are in person with you or online, can you tell? =)

quote:

---

Originally posted by Xiiro:
As you explore your self, a part of me slowly becomes more enlightened.

---

AW, that is sweet! And maybe it's because you are learning even more about your ability to draw people out of themselves and help them expand? Like just by talking to you I have gone from being a compulsively deleting, apologizing philosopher to someone who, now, feels okay leaving a whole, long, self-revealing post up long enough for you to respond to it. =)

quote:

---

Originally posted by Xiiro:
though I may have felt free, we are pack animals and we all need a tribe who cares for us and makes us feel integrated.

---

Yes yes. It DOES take a village. <3

quote:

---

Originally posted by Xiiro:
Just recently I was at my parent's office doing paperwork and my stepfather was talking with one of his employees about one of our client's breasts.

---

I didn't get what you were saying at first. I was like, "Why didn't he want to talk about both of her breasts?" LOL

quote:

---

Originally posted by Xiiro:
If she has reservations about my sexuality, she has never expressed them and we can even talk about hot guys on TV or wherever.

---

*Very curious* Will you tell me who you think is attractive?

Thank you for telling me how each member of your family reacted to your coming out and how things stand with them today. I'm sorry to hear about your brother's stroke. I figured he was not well if he needed help getting into a truck. Isn't he younger than you though? Is he recovering?

quote:

---

Originally posted by Xiiro:
I never cared what others thought about anything I considered a fundamental part of my self. If I can't change it, then there is no use freaking out over people who dislike me because of it.

---

If I were into tattoos, I'd get that on my inner forearm and look at it a lot.

quote:

---

Originally posted by Xiiro:
I was bullied and harassed all my youth by my peers and there is still a caution which hangs on me whenever I go someplace public (especially a place with straight bars).

---

I'm sorry to hear it. None of the gay guys in my class got bullied so I'm surprised that you were. On the other hand, none of them really came out, it was just obvious. But they all had a protective circle of friends, me included, and nobody f***s with me. (Kidding, sure they do, but Capricorn can intimidate when it wants. Some people act like that's all Cap is capable of.) I don't want to pry but I am genuinely interested in what the deal was with that, if it feels okay with you to talk about it.

quote:

---

Originally posted by Xiiro:
There is also a societal rule that states men are better than women, so any man who wants to do female things must be mentally broken, because who would want to do anything associated with being a woman?

---

So true. What a great tragedy that is.

quote:

---

Originally posted by Xiiro:
Society's acceptance of gay women is sexualized, where men are accepted as either emotionally sick or silly. If you look at media, gay men are depicted as either wh0res or clowns and lesbians are generally sexy.

---

I don't look at the media much, don't even have TV reception at my house, which will hopefully excuse some of my cluelessness. But I do know that a lot of straight men like watching women engaging with each other (as do other lesbians and, who knows? Maybe there are people of every persuasion who like that.)

quote:

---

Originally posted by Xiiro:
Men often work with lesbian women and make them one of the guys, especially if she is butch and enjoys similar things (sports, women, cars, beer).

---

Interesting that I was looking at how women favorably regard gay men as the most prominent indication that gay men are more accepted in society than lesbians, and you seem to be looking at men's acceptance of lesbian women as a more telling fact. In both cases, it's still looking at how opposite sexes are hanging out together. I guess because same-gender interactions between straight people and gay people are equally susceptible to a bit of awkwardness or confusion.

quote:

---

Originally posted by Xiiro:
Men fear us, because they fear we are undressing them in our heads as we talk to them (because that is what happens in their head when they talk to women). They just haven't seemed to get through their heads, that we have standards. Chances are if you're a guy who fears we are undressing you... you have nothing to worry about.

---

That must be so annoying, to be around men who you know are flattering themselves to think that you want them. Also, I wonder if I am untypical, because it has never occurred to me to think, "That guy is undressing me in his mind" when I've talked to men. Even though it's probably happened...at least once or twice? I dunno. Maybe on prom night. I don't understand that part of men and don't really know if I want to; it's easier to think interactions ARE as casual and modest as they appear.

quote:

---

Originally posted by Xiiro:
...Lesbians shine in our community, because they are the ones who change the tires on all the gay pride floats. LOL HAha just kidding. Lesbians DO seem to be more capable of getting stuff done

---

So funny, but do they really?? You reminded me that many of the most successful professional women I worked with at a cancer center were lesbians. I was young and had no idea, nobody told me until later. I was no hottie, but I would occasionally get hit on by these women and just be confused. Like one woman kept coming up to me and telling me how much she liked my outfits. I was just like, "Oh thanks you can get this at Old Navy but ironing it's a bear, and definitely wash it in cold water because it shrinks." Then she'd just walk away. I would think, "Hey, did she want to talk about clothes or not?"

But my point is, these women were doctors and Vice Presidents. They got stuff done.

quote:

---

Originally posted by Xiiro:
I'm interested in hearing what makes up your view. Perhaps things are different where you live?

---

I guess my view and the view of people where I live are two different questions. Well three questions because I live in two places. Here in Rednecksville, I never see any gay couples. 'Have never seen a gay couple or heard of one living in the area. Around Philadelphia, there is a thriving gay community that some of my high school friends are a big part of. I live an hour outside the city and haven't seen most of them in years. The two lesbian friends I was closest to I had a falling out with...long stories. But the main thing is, I have no interaction with gay people now, except for you.

What makes up my view of homosexuality in general would be a hodgepodge of things including:

1) Experiences I have mentioned before.
2) Some stuff I wouldn't say over the internet.
3) One of my best friends is a Bavarian Capricorn, with an 8H stellium and pronounced curiosity about gay culture. Obviously, living in Europe (and Sweden at one point) she has a more progressive view of sexual freedom than your average, repressed American to begin with. Plus she goes on gay blogs and has really invested a lot of time trying to figure it out, then she "taught" me. I only knew about gay men objectifying each other because she told me.

You would like her, I think. You would like her beautiful Aries/Snake hubby a little more, maybe...but who am I to presume? =)

4) And some other things..but this is a big topic...and I hope we will keep talking and I will tell you more over time.

quote:

---

Originally posted by Xiiro:
Please know you can be just as open with me....If you do want someone to talk to, I am available.

---

<3 Thank you!

'Haven't gotten a chance to look at the movies you sent yet. But thanks...I will!

posted September 20, 2012 09:15 PM            

Life is good, I am well thanks. I have been feeling nervous about my jungle plot. My brain has been counting off all the ways things could go wrong. I must say out of most things in the world, I really know how to scare the crap out of my self. HAha Other than that, all is well. I'm preparing to take on a second job to supplement my income, but that is slow going. I think it has something to do with this looming fear. Perhaps it is a Saturn square Venus thing, but I always have to prove I want something before I get it. I'm not complaining, it infuses my life with a sense of accomplishment. I just would like to be lazy or cowardly without it always having such annoying consequences HAha. The way it is now, even if I decide to wuss out on life's challenges, I spend the entire time telling my self, "Oooo you can't sit here ignoring this, every second you ignore this lesson it gets worse". Oh the bliss of ignorance, how I long for one sweet night in your arms. HAHa Just kidding, I am very thankful for awareness (that last sentence was a disclaimer to protect myself from actually manifesting a moment of ignorance and then having to clean up after that moment) LOL

On a lighter note, I was craving cookies tonight so I made the yummiest cookies evar: Brown Butter Brown Sugar Cookies. So yummy...sooo unhealthy...so eaten.

quote:

---

Originally posted by Faith:
Some people love them as pets/friends, but why, if that's their personality? I don't get chicken love.

---

There is an odd maternal energy around hens, because they are baby factories. They have a naturally calming energy and are fun to watch. They also pick up on people's emotional states and will avoid people who harsh their mellow. Also, a real symbiotic relationship forms with chickens if you let it. Chickens are very vulnerable creatures and they tend to bond with humans as caretakers (at least the ones I have known). Whenever I do any digging at my parent's house, the chickens all flock under my feet and scratch through the exposed dirt for bugs. When chickens run to a newly discovered food prospect, their baggy butts are hilarious to watch. They look like a tiny dinosaur running with stuffed bloomers on.

I know it looks like she is dead, but this chicken is actually getting her neck scratched:

And finally, chickens make awesome DJs. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p_2_EJogf2A

quote:

---

Originally posted by Faith:
Can you tell me more about that please?

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Faith:
I know what you mean but so firmly resist the idea of ever being solved, even temporarily, myself.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Faith:
I can't believe my good luck that I made a friend (can I call you that?) who says this exact kind of stuff that resonates with me so well.

---

HAha that reminds me of an internet meme that cracked me up many suns ago:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Faith:
I think my Mercury appreciates the tight square to Scorpio Uranus, because it's got this insatiable appetite for more and more electricity, but it doesn't always appreciate all the tricky, dark stuff that Uranus throws to it.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Faith:
My Aquarius brother calls me at odd times raving about his newest kooky idea, and I never talk to anybody as fast as him. We laugh a lot. I think we say a lot of serious things but don't really take any of it too seriously...we are a bubbly batch of people.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Faith:
Thank you! That's difficult for me to answer,....Do you have a preference? Do people's jaws drop faster when they are in person with you or online, can you tell? =)

---

I don't think there is much of a difference between me in person and me online. Of course I am a bit more openly philosophical on an astrology forum, but for the most part, I am just me. Perhaps there isn't much difference, because I am such a changeable person. I feel very fluid, because my feelings change so often. If you think about it, 4 years ago, I was working behind a desk and playing video games for a living. 2 years ago I was practicing to become a Buddhist monk. In two years, I could be a farmer in Hawaii. HAha

Being online just feels like another barrier I desire to melt away.

quote:

---

Originally posted by Faith:
I didn't get what you were saying at first. I was like, "Why didn't he want to talk about both of her breasts?" LOL

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Faith:
*Very curious* Will you tell me who you think is attractive?

---

Charlie Williams (sorta looks like Mark Walberg)

Charlie Hunnam (sorta looks like the love child of Brad Pitt and Heath Ledger)

posted September 21, 2012 12:24 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Faith:
I'm sorry to hear about your brother's stroke. I figured he was not well if he needed help getting into a truck. Isn't he younger than you though? Is he recovering?

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Faith:
I don't want to pry but I am genuinely interested in what the deal was with that, if it feels okay with you to talk about it.

---

Needless to say, I was not well received at my new school. People referred to me as "fat faggot" and I made no friends, because being my friend would have been social suicide. I joined chorus because it was an elective I could enjoy. My vocal range spanned from tenor to first soprano and I would often get solos, which resulted in ridicule from my peers. I spent most of my time afraid of getting hurt by other students. I used to pray to safely make it between classes, as I walked through the halls, eyes down and trying to be as unnoticeable as possible. I had been pushed around at lunch, so I started eating lunch in my mom's classroom. When time came for P.E., I was afraid I would accidentally look at someone wrong in the locker room, so I made myself throw up or fake an asthma attack every day. I walked home from school early almost every day, then go directly into our back yard to play with the dogs until the sun went down. That was my routine through most of jr. high.

As jr. high concluded I had found a couple of friends, come out to my parents, and had been friends with Pat for a year before his mom moved and he vanished. I was still so emotionally torn up I should have never graduated. My mom used to do my homework every night, because I never cared enough to actually do it. Between my failing grades and my going home early or staying home sick so often, I can't imagine how my mom got them to pass me. The summer of freshman year I decided I wasn't going to accept my old reputation, so I worked out and lost all the weight. It was well received, but I never outran the reputation.

My sophomore year I moved back with my dad and started a new high school. The only people I knew there were from my dad's church, but I was just happy to have the clean slate. On my first day at the new school, I was eating lunch with my friends from church, when a herd of jocks walked by and I glanced up as they passed. One of them stopped and said, "What the f@ck are you looking at faggot?". It caught me off guard and all i could think to do was look away until they left. In that moment all the feelings from my old school crashed down on me like a wave. No matter where I went people were always going to just see a faggot. While walking home I was going over all the ways I could run away from the situation. Then something just clicked in me, I stopped thinking of ways to run and started thinking of ways to fight back. I stopped into some second hand stores, bought some clothes, stopped into a drug store and picked up some black hair dye, makeup, and piercing jewelry.

That night I completely reinvented myself. I dyed my hair black, pierced my ears and lip (HAha I almost passed out, but pain is beauty damn it), and the next morning donned black combat boots, black leather jacket, black jeans, black shirt, silver jewelry, eyeliner, and took my a$$ to school.

I want from this -

To this -

LOL just the difference in expression says it all. I concluded, "Well if I can't hide it, I may as well embrace it". I made lots of friends, because my fears no longer stood between others and me. I wore my fear on my body, which left people with just my winning personality if they were brave enough to get past my look hehe.

I did a lot of things that made rude people not want to mess with me. I actually made so many friends, that you would be considered unpopular if you were mean to me. I didn't have my own clique, I just fit in everywhere. I spent most of my time with the freaks 'n' geeks though...gotta represent. There were still people who said crappy things to me occasionally, but I stopped being afraid of people finding out I was gay. Instead, I would make them feel like a$$es for pointing out the obvious. Once I was in line for lunch and the girl behind me tapped me on the shoulder, "Excuse me, is it true you are a ...bicycle?" I stared at her blankly, "Uh a what?"...,"You know..bisexual" she made a face like she just smelled poo. I stared at her like she had just told me she knew how to count from 1 up to llama, then grabbed her hands, "Oh my GOD...how did you know?" audibly so the rest of the line could hear. She looked around startled as my voice got louder, "It's TRUE...you found me out!" now shouting at the top of my lungs, "I can't help myself... I'm addicted to D!CK...I'm addicted to D!!!CK". She just stood there bright red, I looked at her, shrugged, and turned back around. Maybe it's the Uranus in the 7th, I just felt it necessary to shock people into realizing how stupid it was to point out to a gay guy that they are gay.

quote:

---

Originally posted by Faith:
But I do know that a lot of straight men like watching women engaging with each other

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Faith:
I guess because same-gender interactions between straight people and gay people are equally susceptible to a bit of awkwardness or confusion.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Faith:
That must be so annoying, to be around men who you know are flattering themselves to think that you want them.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Faith:
Also, I wonder if I am untypical, because it has never occurred to me to think, "That guy is undressing me in his mind" when I've talked to men.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Faith:
So funny, but do they really?? You reminded me that many of the most successful professional women I worked with at a cancer center were lesbians.

---

That is of course a stereotype though.

quote:

---

Originally posted by Faith:
I was just like, "Oh thanks you can get this at Old Navy but ironing it's a bear, and definitely wash it in cold water because it shrinks." Then she'd just walk away. I would think, "Hey, did she want to talk about clothes or not?"

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Faith:
You would like her beautiful Aries/Snake hubby a little more

---

Is this the couple you were talking about in the beginning of this thread?

posted September 21, 2012 12:25 AM            

I debated linking the above dharma talk from one of my favorite mediators, but decided it was a bit heavy.

I guess not. =)

posted September 22, 2012 08:03 AM            

How goes it?

I've had trouble sleeping for a week or so. Finally last night I collapsed on the sofa around 10, and I actually got some sleep, but early this morning I dreamt that I lived in a hard-shell, spherical camper that was towed by a horse driven by an Amish woman in a buggy. Now I have to come to terms with the fact that I don't live there, lol. It was so neat, and all white inside...like living inside an egg. Don't even want to think about what it meant, though.

Let's chat, shall we?

quote:

---

Originally posted by Xiiro:
I have been feeling nervous about my jungle plot. My brain has been counting off all the ways things could go wrong. I must say out of most things in the world, I really know how to scare the crap out of my self.

---

It'll be fine! You can't prevent all those problems without anticipating them first, right? =) Do you keep a checklist? If you write it down you don't have to carry it in your head anymore.

quote:

---

Originally posted by Xiiro:
They are one of the snugliest bird species I have known.

---

Thanks for talking to me about chickens. I actually liked the Techno Chicken, I felt like a chicken watching chicken TV for a second. Maybe I will just have to hug one and see how we get along. My friend who lasagna-gardens has chickens, and they do have a soft and innocent energy about them, I would say, but I have always been more focused on that when trying not to step on them as they charge under my feet. The softness has seemed a liability.

I'm leery of having any kind of animals who wreck things because I already have children and that's what they do. 'Trying to get out of this phase of my life where I am cleaning up after an endless stream of minor catastrophes.

quote:

---

Originally posted by Xiiro:
From that vantage point I see thoughts and feelings as they arise, I see how they effect others.

---

So there is some transparency between your thoughts and emotions and others'? I have been thinking there is something like that going on between my husband and me, but resist settling on a conviction about it, for fear it will get worse. As you may have gathered by now, he and I are very different, and I don't always want him to know everything I am thinking. He has Mercury conjunct Neptune...so maybe that makes him a bit psychic and this is a fruitless endeavor for me, but I still try.

quote:

---

Originally posted by Xiiro:
Does exposure challenge your comfort?

---

Yes. But I expose a lot of my thoughts anyway, because I don't want to be just a lost soul in a bubble. Also I've figured out how to detach from my thoughts...to leave them behind and not see everything I say as chained to me forever. It's about ditching my ego. This has made life easier and more fun.

quote:

---

Originally posted by Xiiro:
Uranus is exalted in Scorpio

---

Thank you for the heads up, I will research it.

quote:

---

Originally posted by Xiiro:
I think there is something beautiful about not being able to describe feelings.

---

Oh thanks I'm really good at that. Ha!

Some things, it seems almost sacrosanct to try and say.

As my man Emerson said, "Words chop and impoverish the truth."

quote:

---

Originally posted by Xiiro:
I think the ability touches me so deeply, because there is so much lost in translation between one person's heart and another person's ear.

---

But don't you think you do have that power, a little bit?? You may just have to do some talking?

quote:

---

Originally posted by Xiiro:
If you think about it, 4 years ago, I was working behind a desk and playing video games for a living. 2 years ago I was practicing to become a Buddhist monk. In two years, I could be a farmer in Hawaii. HAha

---

That IS funny! I'm similar but not as drastic. I've said this many times to other people, that if someone told me, five years ago, what my issues would be today, I wouldn't have believed them. (For instance, I thought I was only going to have three children. It'd be TMI to explain.) But that goes for my entire life...every five years brings wild surprises.

quote:

---

Originally posted by Xiiro:
Charlie Hunnam

---

Stared at that for a pleasant minute or so....yeah I think HE was made in God's image...seems to be the case...

quote:

---

Originally posted by Xiiro:
For some reason I decided to get three outfits (incoming embarrassing moment in 5..4..3..2..1)

---

Oh nooo! LOL but so sorry to hear it. What a difference clothes make. On the other hand, I love thinking of you dressed like that. You were the original fluorescent adolescent. Dazzling. Can you remember the impact you were trying to make when you selected these pieces? Maybe you just innocently wanted to communicate to people, "Look. I'm fabulous. Do yourself a favor and get to know me." Like a neon sign, you know?

I say that because newcomers wander onto this site who seem nice and I almost want to hang a neon light over you saying, "You want to talk to -----> this guy."

quote:

---

Originally posted by Xiiro:
LOL just the difference in expression says it all. I concluded, "Well if I can't hide it, I may as well embrace it".

---

When I clicked on page 6 here and scrolled up from the bottom of your post, those pictures flashed briefly, and I wondered why you had put up pictures of a girl. I guess it's just the long hair. (Coincidentally, in tenth grade, I had short hair and looked and dressed like a boy. So much so that people occasionally referred to me as "he." Kind of odd that I did that, and I never even paid much attention to why. As you say, Pisces moon feels things unconditionally.)

Your eyes don't look much happier to me in the second picture. But at least you smiled, and I know pics aren't everything. I'm SO glad to hear you managed to turn everything around, the story gives me that "feel good movie" feeling. =) Considering your magical powers and intelligence, I'm not really surprised at all. But I had been thinking that your troubles were in high school, not junior high.

Apologies for assuming.

quote:

---

Originally posted by Xiiro:
"Excuse me, is it true you are a ...bicycle?" I stared at her blankly, "Uh a what?"...,"You know..bisexual"

---

OMG! I was blushing when I read that. Then I thought about it a second and realized how appropriate your response was.... Kind of like a duel, high school style, and you won! =)

quote:

---

Originally posted by Xiiro:
It's true though where homophobia is present, hetero women are generally less hostile toward gay men AND women, while hetero men are generally only less hostile toward gay women.

---

Right. I'd say that's true of hostile feelings...what do think about awkward feelings?

I have felt awkward around lesbians before, because I am affectionate with my girl friends, hug them, occasionally kiss their cheeks, tell them I love them. I don't know how to not be like that, it feels unnatural and constrained..but if I am like that with a lesbian, she could get the wrong idea. And I say that because my dear friend who is a lesbian dumped me pretty brutally for "leading her on" after seven years of friendship. And I was totally unaware that I had been acting insensitively toward her. But she didn't give me a second chance. It was just kind of like, "That's it, you f***ed with my head, so bye."

I know it wouldn't always go down like that, but I don't handle that kind of rejection well at all.

So...once bitten, twice shy, again. Probably if I lived in Cali where there is more open homosexuality I would figure out how to adjust. Right now it's a mystery to me.

quote:

---

Originally posted by Xiiro:
This could have something to do with having a good relationship with your father/brothers. Is your perceived rapport with men similar to your rapport with the men of your family?

---

Oh, good point! Hmmm....I guess to an outside observer, it might appear that I relate to men similar to how I relate to my brothers.

But, of course, it's also very different.

quote:

---

Originally posted by Xiiro:
Gay guys organize and decorate an event, fill it with people, food, and music from all over the world, and make cocktails. Lesbians Start a non-profit, build the venue, manage the people, and make sure the proceeds go to the right cause.

---

Sounds fun and like that is the kind of event I would like to attend.

quote:

---

Originally posted by Xiiro:
Go on....? Hehe

Is this the couple you were talking about in the beginning of this thread?

---

The couple I smoked pot with? No, this couple is really in Germany, and I have never met them in person. My friend and I met in a freak accident four years ago when we both fell madly in love with Elvis at the same time, and both joined the same message board about him. Our conversations just got longer and more in-depth...kind of like what's going on here, but now we are four years into the conversation.

They are a gorgeous couple, so this is one instance where I feel like a relationship may never have gotten off the ground in person, I would be too intimidated and inferior-feeling to talk to my friend. It's part of the miracle of the internet that we have gotten so close despite being very different in so many ways.

Her husband is shy and hates all the attention he gets, which unfortunately just makes him cuter. Like he actually physically hides behind his wife to avoid people gawking at him. Ha!

quote:

---

Originally posted by Xiiro:
Bowing in gratitude, I leave you with this...

---

Nice! That guy speaks so slowly, I feel like I must have ADD because it's such a challenge to settle down and get into his vibe.

Well, I don't know how you posted that by accident, I guess it was just meant to be...so why not take this chance to tell you that I'm grateful for your generosity, and if I've given you anything to be grateful for, you are so welcome. If not...stay tuned, I'm trying here.

I saw the Poor Doggie before, and I felt so bad for him!

Now I'm finally ready to talk a little bit about fractals, holograms, and all that.

The first movie, about Fibonacci, was mostly above my grade level, but still had lots of good stuff for on-the-spot consumption. I never knew the neural network so closely resembles the universe, never knew trees spiralled out, and definitely never related that to the swirl of galaxies or the double helix. I wonder if atoms spin like that, too. Probably, right? This reminds me of the Doctrine of Correspondences which I first learned about in college and immediately assumed as true fact, but never delved into. (As I assume math is true fact, but never got far with that either.)

Random comments:

1) If all plants spin into formation, I guess that will disprove the Bible verse, "Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labor or spin." How could Jesus not have known that if he's the one that spun everything into existence? Science may finally be on the brink of bringing the Bible down for good.

2) Whirling dervishes were onto something.

3) Fingerprints whirl and so does the hair pattern and belly button and umbilical cord. What is going on?! Maybe it's the magnetic field pulling everything in circles?

My reaction to the second movie you posted [Red, if you are reading this, please stop] was to think, "I wish marijuana were legal." I could understand it so much better with that.

'Seems to me that fractals and holograms are the same, only fractals are easier to make in 2D format and therefore easier to visualize when playing with the idea that the whole of the universe is represented in each part. How's that?

I think Schroedinger's Cat annoys me because it's straddled between the Mundane and the Mysterious in this uncomfortable position, and I don't even want to look at it. I guess I can't figure out the bottom line. Are people wondering: "Does it matter whether or not it matters to us what happens to the cat? Does it matter that it matters to us to ask this?" Deeper and deeper into the navel. Get me out of here!... I'm starting to feel like the cat. I think Schroedinger was a hypnotist and that was the whole point. His idea is the poisonous food, and he doesn't want to know if you are eating it or not because that would form a verdict on whether he is a psycho or not.

Only half kidding. Let me see, when was Schroedinger born? Tapping fingers.... 8-12-87. Leo with all planets spanning from late Taurus to late Libra, nothing from Scorpio through Aries. No wonder I don't get the guy, he didn't even feel cold weather! (And isn't this a great excuse to not think about his theory? LOL)

I am real-time blogging as I research Schroedinger, I just looked him up on wikipedia. Turns out he was using the cat example to show how ridiculous some of his colleagues' theories were. So the whole example was intended as a kind of attack... just milder than a poison attack.

After looking at it more I realize this is just way over my head. Bowing out of the Schroedinger discussion.

Planck units, too. I don't think there is a layman's version of how to understand and play with this, either, not that I can tell. But you had said, "Planck units are applicable to anything which could be measured, including space/time" in the context of talking about oneness with the universe and reincarnation. If I think of space/time as having this collapsible quality (as spirals do) and if I'm interested in observing how this opens and collapses scientifically, then I'm guessing Planck Units are helpful. What is conversation but space/time? And if you are going to talk about space/time, instead or just watching it or being with it, then you need a conversational tool, so that both observers can be sure they are looking at the same exact place. "Hey check out what's going on five Plank Units from the outermost electron on that atom! Whoa it just blinked out!" by the time you say that, of course, the whole atom may have changed.

So, I'm thinking that awareness/life is infinite and whole, but science is a breaking thing: it breaks reality down into finite pieces that can be studied and compared. If Planck units are the smallest, do they correlate to something about reality which is like the gap between existence and non-existence? One life and a reincarnated life.....maybe?

Hmmm...

Anyway, generally speaking, science has seemed to me to be always the slow way of apprehending a slow version of reality, as opposed to awareness, which is instantaneous, based on the present moment, and reveals things about Presence and freshness and life.

To me, it seems that the main point of science is just to create elaborate mental sculptures. Those mental sculptures are past-oriented, drawing from precedents, and future-oriented, because of how scientific truths (sculptures) tend to have longevity, but don't focus too much on the present. So are they really the Way to our collective innermost desires being fulfilled? Or do they clutter the mental landscape and, ultimately, just clutter the physical landscape as well (with laboratories intent on studying these things, and technology arising from them)?

I feel that metaphysics still has the advantage over quantum physics, as Buddhists have the advantage over scientists, but I realize that is simplistic and only roughly sketched out here.

One more question before I go. Please Mr. Astrologer, can you tell me whether or not my sun (15 Cap) is in mutual reception with Saturn (0 Leo)? I can't find anything on whether or not mutual reception is subject to orb rules. And what do you make of that mutual reception, if I have it?

Thank you very much.

posted September 22, 2012 06:58 PM            

For the past couple of posts I have wanted to spell your name Fayth. Which interestingly enough is meaningful in Final Fantasy X. A Fayth is a person who gives up their life so their soul may be transformed into an Aeon. An Aeon is a magical spirit summoned to protect or fight for a summoner. In order to acquire the ability to summon each specific Aeon, a summoner must survive/solve the trials in each Fayth's tomb to reach the "Chamber of The Fayth". Then the summoner prays for the Fayth to become one of her Aeons. In the clip where Yuna jumps off the tower in her wedding dress, she is caught by her Aeon Valefor. According to the lore, Valefor's Fayth was a teenaged girl, but there was no other background story.

I have been alright. The Sun is rounding on my natal outer planets and general planet-clustery-goodness so this time of year always brings with it a feeling of anticipation. Autumn and winter are always a grab bag of experiences, and around this time of year, the Sun feels like it is inching on my Pluto/NN every day...inch....inch...

It's not a bad feeling really. This time of year catches me standing outside (mouth agape) staring up at the Moon. The evening air feels electric and I know if I could just convince her to stay, I could spend the rest of my life wandering the night... inhaling lungfuls of crisp starlight. This time of year often feels to me like life extending its arms, anticipating an embrace.

quote:

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Originally posted by Faith:
early this morning I dreamt that I lived in a hard-shell, spherical camper that was towed by a horse driven by an Amish woman in a buggy.

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quote:

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Originally posted by Faith:
Do you keep a checklist? If you write it down you don't have to carry it in your head anymore.

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I might turn into one of those people with walls covered in lists, lists scratched into the floor and ceiling. =)

quote:

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Originally posted by Faith:
I'm leery of having any kind of animals who wreck things because I already have children and that's what they do. 'Trying to get out of this phase of my life where I am cleaning up after an endless stream of minor catastrophes.

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quote:

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Originally posted by Faith:
He has Mercury conjunct Neptune...so maybe that makes him a bit psychic and this is a fruitless endeavor for me, but I still try.

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Originally posted by Faith:
Also I've figured out how to detach from my thoughts...to leave them behind and not see everything I say as chained to me forever. It's about ditching my ego. This has made life easier and more fun.

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quote:

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Originally posted by Faith:
"Words chop and impoverish the truth."

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quote:

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Originally posted by Faith:
But don't you think you do have that power, a little bit?? You may just have to do some talking?

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I think that is what causes an emotional reaction in me, the fact that this character has the capacity to spreading understanding, compassion, and equanimity without misinterpretation.

quote:

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Originally posted by Faith:
Stared at that for a pleasant minute or so....yeah I think HE was made in God's image...seems to be the case...

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quote:

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Originally posted by Faith:
You were the original fluorescent adolescent.

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Originally posted by Faith:
Can you remember the impact you were trying to make when you selected these pieces? Maybe you just innocently wanted to communicate to people, "Look. I'm fabulous. Do yourself a favor and get to know me." Like a neon sign, you know?

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quote:

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Originally posted by Faith:
When I clicked on page 6 here and scrolled up from the bottom of your post, those pictures flashed briefly, and I wondered why you had put up pictures of a girl. I guess it's just the long hair. (Coincidentally, in tenth grade, I had short hair and looked and dressed like a boy. So much so that people occasionally referred to me as "he." Kind of odd that I did that, and I never even paid much attention to why. As you say, Pisces moon feels things unconditionally.)

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quote:

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Originally posted by Faith:
Your eyes don't look much happier to me in the second picture. But at least you smiled, and I know pics aren't everything.

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I thought I was happy because I was free to do what I wanted, I found fun friends with similar home lives, and I partied a lot. Like you pointed out in your earlier reply, what may have seemed like a great situation as a kid, is in retrospect, not so great emotionally.

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Originally posted by Faith:
OMG! I was blushing when I read that. Then I thought about it a second and realized how appropriate your response was.... Kind of like a duel, high school style, and you won! =)

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quote:

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Originally posted by Faith:
Right. I'd say that's true of hostile feelings...what do think about awkward feelings?

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Men on the other hand are built to overcome discomfort through fight or flight. At this point we are severely generalizing so in a sense it is pointless. It seems from an inside perspective, that men deal with awkward feelings around gay men with either exclusion or hostility. Maybe ask your husband how he would react if he found out one of his co-workers was gay?

This is hard for some people to face, but awkward feelings around homosexuals is a type of homophobia. Imagine if you had the same feelings around people of another race. There has just been so much stigma and shame built up around homophobia (perhaps retaliatory shame) that people are not encouraged to understand their fear, they are just told the fear is wrong. In an ideal world, we are all comfortable with our own sexuality and therefor the prospect of being found attractive by people we are not attracted to, doesn't bother us. We don't live in an ideal world however. We live in a world where sexual fear and repression are commonplace.

quote:

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Originally posted by Faith:
I have felt awkward around lesbians before, because I am affectionate with my girl friends, hug them, occasionally kiss their cheeks, tell them I love them. I don't know how to not be like that, it feels unnatural and constrained..but if I am like that with a lesbian, she could get the wrong idea. And I say that because my dear friend who is a lesbian dumped me pretty brutally for "leading her on" after seven years of friendship. And I was totally unaware that I had been acting insensitively toward her. But she didn't give me a second chance. It was just kind of like, "That's it, you f***ed with my head, so bye."

---

She sounds a little wonky, however in her defense. As a gay people we are not raised to identify the flirtation in the people we are attracted to. We know how men and women flirt because it exists everywhere we turn, but knowing the difference between playfulness and interest in a non-gay setting, is often very confusing. Additionally, it is not rare for straight people to come out of the woodwork to tell us how attracted to us they are, how if they were only gay we would be their type. Straight people are notorious for trying to milk complements out of gay people without any realization that they are playing with our emotions.

Imagine an attractive guy walking up to you and saying, "If you were my type, I would totally date you", "If I were into you, would you be into me?" "God, I wish my girlfriend was as fun to hang out with as you are", etc... Gay people hear this kind of thing often and on occasion, from people we are attracted to. About 5 years ago I had a co-worker who used to chat me up every day, we would talk in instant messenger all day, even though we sat next to each other. He opened up to me a lot, eventually shared some of his inner most secrets, and started writing me poetry. I bonded with this guy intensely and eventually he started joking about us hanging out together and messing around. A best friend of mine from high school wanted to move back to San Diego from Cleveland. She was into video games, so I got her a job at my work. She moved in with her ex, but he became angry that she actually had no intention of getting back together with him and became physically abusive. I quickly arranged for her to rent a room in my house, though the landlord was not a fan of the idea.

I was scared before she started work, because a lot of the things that guy found attractive in me were traits she and I shared (she is a Gemini). So, I made it a point to talk about this guy and express to her how interested I was in him. Before she started working I pulled her aside and said flat out, "Anna, I have never done this in my whole life, but I really care for this guy and I want to see where this goes, so I am peeing on him. I am claiming him as off limits until this all plays out". Her brother is gay, and she had always loved me as just a person, so when she said she understood, I trusted her. I introduced them, because they were going to meet eventually. Within a month's time he was no longer talking to me, he directed all his previous attentions to her, and she was encouraging it.

Their excuse was that I shouldn't expect them to not follow their hearts just because I had a pointless crush on him, that he never gave me an indication that he wasn't straight or was interested in pursuing something with me. Needless to say, I ended my 18 year friendship with her, and wrote him off as an intense learning experience. They are still together today.

My point is, courtship can be very confusing for gay people, because there are no rules. With a hetero guy you wouldn't hug, kiss, or tell them you love them the same way you would a female friend, because you know there is a possibility for that to be communicated poorly. There are some cases where gay people see all the signs through the eyes of attraction, but the other person isn't seeing their actions from that perspective. What she should have done is told you her feelings and given you an opportunity to express yours.

There is also the case where we love someone so much their gender melts away and we develop a deep affection for that person. Sexual energy exists in that bond, because the cosmic purpose of sexual energy is to fuse two separate forces into one force. People perceive sexual energy differently though, and what appears to be synthesizing sexual energy to one person, can be seen as sexy sexual energy to another.

Finally: Being so flexi-gendered I am inclined to believe attraction is a fluid thing. Sometimes we have sexual feelings for people who are not our ideal. Often times our reaction to those feelings is shame and repression. Like the guy in the above example, I know he was considering a sexual relationship, even if he had no intentions for an emotional connection to exist. Regardless of how much he protests, I will always know he did, because regardless of how he perceived it, his actions, words, and vibe, screamed otherwise. I wasn't present for your situation with this girl so I can't comment. I feel from you that you genuinely had no intention for her to walk away with the feelings she left with. It's too bad she was so embarrassed for misunderstanding your intentions that she ran away.

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Originally posted by Faith:
So...once bitten, twice shy, again. Probably if I lived in Cali where there is more open homosexuality I would figure out how to adjust. Right now it's a mystery to me.

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Originally posted by Faith:
Her husband is shy and hates all the attention he gets, which unfortunately just makes him cuter. Like he actually physically hides behind his wife to avoid people gawking at him. Ha!

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Originally posted by Faith:
Nice! That guy speaks so slowly, I feel like I must have ADD because it's such a challenge to settle down and get into his vibe.

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posted September 23, 2012 12:44 AM            

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Xiiro: How have you been Red?

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Terrible! Well not terrible but I've been feeling like the old is starting to weigh me down. I recently made amends with an old friend, and basically parted ways. We had a sort of mutual feeling between us but it died on her end and as she spent more and more time with someone else, I told her how I felt. Now I feel like I can go off on my own and not wait around, ya kno! I kind of want to do the same with another friend. Spending so much time with their significant other...I'm okay, but she's starting to cancel on me to hang out with him. That's no f!cking good and it's bugging me too much! Frickin' fire signs are too lively.

Siiiiighs, I think I need to broaden my social circle, hahaha. I'm outgoing and stuff! But reworking the same old relationships is tiring me out. New people are my favourite kind of people.

quote:

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Faith: Thank you for the heads up, I will research it.

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posted September 23, 2012 08:28 AM            

Thanks for all of this. Handing you a bouquet of cold-hardy field flowers to show my appreciation. =) Goldenrod is a lovely yellow but I'm sorry that it sheds so much.

Usually I stay off the computer on Sundays, I reserve the time for reading and writing and introspection. But today, I'm making an exception. Because you are just too d*mn interesting, that's why! Also I have to get an answer about this:

quote:

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Originally posted by Xiiro:
A Fayth is a person who gives up their life so their soul may be transformed into an Aeon.

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Does that mean that I'm dying? Kind of eery to have a psychic tell me this.

quote:

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Originally posted by Xiiro:
The evening air feels electric and I know if I could just convince her to stay, I could spend the rest of my life wandering the night... inhaling lungfuls of crisp starlight. This time of year often feels to me like life extending its arms, anticipating an embrace.

---

=) Ahh, nice writing there.

Yesterday, in the late afternoon, I went walking by myself through our fields, and the wind was picking up more and more as I trudged along, blowing leaves off the trees and swirling them around. (Swirling wind is kind of like an air-hug.) Then it started raining so I headed into the forest. Isn't it so nice sitting under a tree while the rain taps on the forest ceiling? Eventually I got a bit soaked, because I had to get home through the rain. My kids were thrilled to see me in this condition.

quote:

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Originally posted by Xiiro:
Interesting, where was the Amish lady taking you?

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Oh thanks for asking, she took me to my childhood home. There was a lot of religious baggage in that dream and I just don't feel like rummaging through it, even to myself. The cool thing was the white, spherical, futuristic camper and how it protected me from the religious people I had to deal with.

quote:

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Originally posted by Xiiro:
Figuring out a way to get myself interested in organizing this stuff instead of letting it fly around the brain is my key.

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I love the book Getting Things Done by David Allen, I have a quasi-romantic affection for that book and its logic. His main thing is, strive to keep your mind free, it's ineffficient to repeat any thought over and over unless you want to. So keep paper handy. (Of course, he says a lot more than that, but I have given you the main point.)

There is also magical power in writing as you know..... =)

Hopping off the soapbox.

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Originally posted by Xiiro:
Do you have roots in a time where you felt you had to be held accountable for your thoughts?

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Yes, I was raised as a strict Catholic and God was always there frowning at everything I thought.

quote:

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Originally posted by Xiiro:
Do you feel comfortable posting your chart?

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Once I get my birth time nailed down, and can settle on whether to use Placidus or equal house or whatever, I will post. Thanks for being interested enough to piece it together in your mind. =)

Just to let you know...I think I have 3H Pluto, which doesn't like exposure. In fact, last night I had some friends over after dinner for coffee and just-made oatmeal cookies. At one point the conversation got dull (warning...that means I am about to do something Uranian) so I started revealing weird stuff about my past and strange opinions that I usually keep to myself. Regardless of the fact that most of this was well-received by my friends, my spirits started to deflate, the more I talked.

So I waned again. Pulled the curtain over my brain and resumed my usual, careful way of communicating. The difference in how I feel when being very talkative and being restrained is pretty obvious: restraint feels better. I think this is a Scorpio NN thing, as I said before. Plus...Pluto in the 3H.

quote:

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Originally posted by Xiiro:
I think that is what causes an emotional reaction in me, the fact that this character has the capacity to spreading understanding, compassion, and equanimity without misinterpretation.

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Well, that is a beautiful ideal. I think some people can do that, just by being loving and accepting and radiating kindness. They inspire others to drop their negativity.

quote:

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Originally posted by Xiiro:
It is something I envy in RedScorp, that ability to shift so convincingly between genders.

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Yeah, Red, I really get thrown for a loop seeing some pictures of you. Boy or girl, couldn't tell.

Xiiro, I think it's all about the hair. If you can't grow a big mane...wigs!

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Originally posted by Xiiro:
Just as any "minority" experiences their own versions of discrimination, a big thing gay people face in the world is the imposition of shame.

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Well that totally sucks.

quote:

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Originally posted by Xiiro:
This is hard for some people to face, but awkward feelings around homosexuals is a type of homophobia.

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Yeah? I think there is a difference....one feeling is just awkwardness (a Capricorn speciality, I might add)...and the other is fear. I also feel awkward around women dressed in burkas but I don't fear them. It's just a matter of, "What is the proper thing to say here? I don't know...what if I say the wrong thing?" Not me being repulsed by their energy or anything.

quote:

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Originally posted by Xiiro:
There has just been so much stigma and shame built up around homophobia (perhaps retaliatory shame) that people are not encouraged to understand their fear, they are just told the fear is wrong.

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Bingo! I had a Spanish class in college where the teacher was a lesbian. She wanted the class to talk about our feelings about homosexuality (speaking Spanish.) So she went around the class and everyone was saying (in Spanish) how much they loved gay people, you'd have to be stupid not to, only idiots even care. She was getting a little fed up with this uniformity, suspecting it was all just canned. Lucky for her, it was my turn, and I talked about how I actually don't understand homosexuality, how I had some bad experiences with my gay friends, how it makes me feel awkward to not know the boundaries with lesbians. My classmates started looking down their noses at me...obviously this was the *wrong* thing to say. But my teacher...you know what she did? She said that I was the only one with enough guts to tell the truth. She thanked me for being honest. I liked her so much better after that class...it was a weight off my shoulders to have her accepting me and my imperfect opinions.

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Originally posted by Xiiro:
Straight people are notorious for trying to milk complements out of gay people without any realization that they are playing with our emotions.

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Originally posted by Xiiro:

Within a month's time he was no longer talking to me, he directed all his previous attentions to her, and she was encouraging it.

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What a b*tch! Sorry to hear about that. It does sound like the guy was really getting into you.

I have strong feelings about betrayal like that....don't like it at all.

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Originally posted by Xiiro:

My point is, courtship can be very confusing for gay people, because there are no rules.

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The lack of rules, maybe, is what can sometimes make it confusing for straight people, too. Awkward. And don't gay people sometimes get annoyed with people of the opposite sex falling in love with them and not getting the point, that it's never going to go anywhere? I'm sure relationships fall apart for that reason, too. "My guy friend couldn't get it into his head that I'm a lesbian and kept trying for more."

quote:

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Originally posted by Xiiro:
People perceive sexual energy differently though, and what appears to be synthesizing sexual energy to one person, can be seen as sexy sexual energy to another.

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Good point!

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Originally posted by Xiiro:
I wasn't present for your situation with this girl so I can't comment. I feel from you that you genuinely had no intention for her to walk away with the feelings she left with.

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Humbug, the whole thing was just a sad misunderstanding. I didn't know how to convey to her where I was coming from, and I guess I wasn't picking up her signals either. Oddly, she was born the day after the guy I call my "Virgo ex-soul mate" (same year) and I had a lot of the same issues with her as I did with him. Both were very promiscuous yet wanted me to believe I was special to them, and it didn't jive with me. I was never promiscuous in the slightest, I have always just wanted to do things from my heart or not at all. (I think the word for that is demi-sexual? I might be that. Although labeling feels itchy to me.) Anyway, if I was special to them they both had a funny way of showing it. If I let them down in the end, what do they expect? It was all very confusing.

quote:

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Originally posted by Xiiro:
This is important to look at, because she was a single person in a group of people from every culture, view, and background. The same thing could have happened with a heterosexual guy.

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Yes, exactly. It HAS happened with hetero guys too, and I am awkward around them as well. =)

Like I hug my girl friends, and they hug each other's husbands and boyfriends, but I try to avoid hugging their husbands/boyfriends myself. I just feel better keeping a distance. Not that I am some temptress who has to take special care not to seduce everyone I come in contact with...ROTFL. But all things considered, I just feel better hanging back in the crowd when it's huggy time.

Is that so bad? Maybe I'll chalk it up to plain old, socially-acceptable shyness. Tell me if it's something more serious, please.

Have a great day, Xiiro.

You, too, Red. =)

posted September 23, 2012 10:18 PM            

quote:

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Xiiro: It is something I envy in RedScorp, that ability to shift so convincingly between genders.
Faith: Yeah, Red, I really get thrown for a loop seeing some pictures of you. Boy or girl, couldn't tell.

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Aw man bless I like it! Like, I do feel like I'm a male, but dipping into the other side of the spectrums seems to come naturally, and I'm not one to fight myself.

posted September 24, 2012 07:50 AM            

Lettuce begin!

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Originally posted by Faith:
I'm grateful for your generosity, and if I've given you anything to be grateful for, you are so welcome.

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Originally posted by Faith:
I wonder if atoms spin like that, too. Probably, right?

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Originally posted by Faith:
This reminds me of the Doctrine of Correspondences

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Originally posted by Faith:
How could Jesus not have known that if he's the one that spun everything into existence?

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Consequently in the scripture "28 And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they neither toil nor spin; 29 yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these." Jesus is saying, "Why are you so worried about the kind of clothing you wear? Look at the lilies; how they naturally grow beautiful; they don't worry about their appearance or spin clothing to wear, yet they are more beautiful than king Solomon in all his finery".

quote:

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Originally posted by Faith:
Fingerprints whirl and so does the hair pattern and belly button and umbilical cord. What is going on?! Maybe it's the magnetic field pulling everything in circles?

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Even metaphorically, a person's life circles their past experiences and grows outward, broadening their perspective of those experiences. Spirals spirals erewhere!

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Originally posted by Faith:
Seems to me that fractals and holograms are the same, only fractals are easier to make in 2D format and therefore easier to visualize when playing with the idea that the whole of the universe is represented in each part. How's that?

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quote:

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Originally posted by Faith:
I think Schroedinger was a hypnotist and that was the whole point. His idea is the poisonous food, and he doesn't want to know if you are eating it or not because that would form a verdict on whether he is a psycho or not....No wonder I don't get the guy, he didn't even feel cold weather!

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Originally posted by Faith:
Bowing out of the Schroedinger discussion.

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Originally posted by Faith:
So, I'm thinking that awareness/life is infinite and whole, but science is a breaking thing: it breaks reality down into finite pieces that can be studied and compared. If Planck units are the smallest, do they correlate to something about reality which is like the gap between existence and non-existence? One life and a reincarnated life.....maybe?

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For example, in this picture:

Is this map upside down? Why?

Planck units are so small, there is no room for space between them. You are correct in the sense that Planck units are mostly theoretical/conversational (or strictly mathematical). Imagine them in terms of sound volume, the song would not stop playing between a quieter Planck and a louder Planck. The same can be applied to space/time. Space/Time does not stop between a past Planck and a present Planck, just as time doesn't stop between 1 second and 2 seconds. You can also think of them as letters which make up words. The spaces between two letters in a word, don't ACTUALLY exist when spoken. The spaces between two words are like letters of their own, they are the pausing letter which indicates the beginning of a new word. In order to comprehend Planck units, it is helpful to not look at reality as just pertaining to your "Faith-y" lifespan. Just as we fall asleep, dream, and awake, we are born, live, and die. Tell me though, when is the exact moment one passes from awake to asleep, when is the exact moment one passes from dreaming to awake, when is the exact moment one moves from being unborn to born, and living to not living? Does a child exist before it is out of the womb? Do we cease effecting the world when our body is scattered to the sea? Do you not dream while you are awake? No matter how many times you dream or wake, the observer is always present. The film strip is a bad example because it supports the illusion of segmented reality. We are the observer, not the movie... While the movie is playing, our mind and emotions become tangled in the lives of the characters. When the movie is over, our observations don't stop, though many of us find another movie to get caught up in. There is no such thing as existence and nonexistence, only theater hopping.

One of the venerable monks gave a dharma talk that blew my mind, while I was at the monastery. One thing he said that stuck with me, "Many people have difficulty understanding what the Buddha meant by the concept of No Birth/No Death. Here on Earth we have a night and a day, the sun rises and sets and anyone who states differently is just not paying attention. Now imagine getting into a rocket ship and flying out into space....where did the day and the night go? They no longer effect you, but did the day and night cease to exist, or did you just change your perspective? The same is true of birth and death. From our perspective, it is indisputable that birth and death exist. To overcome birth and death, broaden your view".

I hope that answers your question, though I feel I may have made things more confusing LOL

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Originally posted by Faith:
Anyway, generally speaking, science has seemed to me to be always the slow way of apprehending a slow version of reality, as opposed to awareness, which is instantaneous, based on the present moment, and reveals things about Presence and freshness and life.

To me, it seems that the main point of science is just to create elaborate mental sculptures. Those mental sculptures are past-oriented, drawing from precedents, and future-oriented, because of how scientific truths (sculptures) tend to have longevity, but don't focus too much on the present. So are they really the Way to our collective innermost desires being fulfilled? Or do they clutter the mental landscape and, ultimately, just clutter the physical landscape as well (with laboratories intent on studying these things, and technology arising from them)?

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I guess science could be seen both as a tool for learning about our self AND crazy people spending their days wrapping bubbles around concepts and throwing them in the "Known" pile. Either way it all seems a bit masturbatory (pardon my crudeness).

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Originally posted by Faith:
Goldenrod is a lovely yellow but I'm sorry that it sheds so much.

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Originally posted by Faith:
Does that mean that I'm dying? Kind of eery to have a psychic tell me this.

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So Fayths are band-aids...are you being a band-aid?

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Originally posted by Faith:
Yesterday, in the late afternoon, I went walking by myself through our fields, and the wind was picking up more and more as I trudged along, blowing leaves off the trees and swirling them around. (Swirling wind is kind of like an air-hug.) Then it started raining so I headed into the forest. Isn't it so nice sitting under a tree while the rain taps on the forest ceiling? Eventually I got a bit soaked, because I had to get home through the rain. My kids were thrilled to see me in this condition.

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Originally posted by Faith:
Once I get my birth time nailed down...Just to let you know...I think I have 3H Pluto, which doesn't like exposure.

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Originally posted by Faith:
So I waned again. Pulled the curtain over my brain and resumed my usual, careful way of communicating.

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Originally posted by Faith:
I also feel awkward around women dressed in burkas but I don't fear them. It's just a matter of, "What is the proper thing to say here? I don't know...what if I say the wrong thing?" Not me being repulsed by their energy or anything.

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Of course I can warm up to a person after having the opportunity to get to know them, but that doesn't change the fact that my first reaction is apprehension, based on two very superficial traits.

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Originally posted by Faith:
I have strong feelings about betrayal like that....don't like it at all.

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Originally posted by Faith:
And don't gay people sometimes get annoyed with people of the opposite sex falling in love with them and not getting the point, that it's never going to go anywhere? I'm sure relationships fall apart for that reason, too. "My guy friend couldn't get it into his head that I'm a lesbian and kept trying for more."

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When we are not in public outside of a gay venue, many of us are trained to just believe that nobody is flirting with us, that nobody is interested, because the situation can become unsafe if we allow our selves to believe otherwise. Imagine going somewhere, flirting with a guy who seemed interested, and when he found out you were flirting, got super offended and punched you in the head, beat you to an inch of your life, or even killed you? There was a 21 year old guy named Matthew Shepard who was attending college in Wyoming. He met two guys at a lounge who told him they were gay and offered to drive him home. After he got into their truck, they drove to a remote field, robbed him, tied him to a fence, and took turns beating the crap out of him until he fell into a coma, it was October and they left him there in the cold to die. He was discovered by a bicyclist 18 hours later and died in the hospital a few days after that. The murder was not considered a hate crime, because there were no laws in Wyoming including sexual orientation as an applicable hate crime condition. Stuff like this still happens all the time oddly enough. And though dating for anyone is always a risk, it is something that gay people just know we have to be extra cautious about.

This is all sounding a bit whiny, now days things are much easier, even compared to 10 or 20 years ago. At least we have bars, events, and online meeting opportunities now. There is just a lot to juggle when it comes to courtship and being gay.

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Originally posted by Faith:
Like I hug my girl friends, and they hug each other's husbands and boyfriends, but I try to avoid hugging their husbands/boyfriends myself. I just feel better keeping a distance. Not that I am some temptress who has to take special care not to seduce everyone I come in contact with...ROTFL. But all things considered, I just feel better hanging back in the crowd when it's huggy time.

Is that so bad? Maybe I'll chalk it up to plain old, socially-acceptable shyness. Tell me if it's something more serious, please.

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=)

Too tired to edit, sorry if it's caca. Ill edit when I wake up =)

Have a beautiful day please.

posted September 24, 2012 09:22 AM            

I hope you are sleeping soundly and happily as I write this. 'Felt bad when I saw that you were confused about my chart...I think I should have posted it before asking you a question. Sorry!

My birth time is not set in stone, but it's accurate within a half hour or so. This is what I am working from:

Ttyl =)