posted July 14, 2012 11:59 AM            

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Originally posted by Faith:
I was always like a Pollyanna when I was little

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I definitely identify. "a Pollyanna" is the perfect way to describe it too. I remember watching a fake wrestling match as a kid and getting nauseous, because I couldn't understand why people would want to intentionally hurt each other. Did your parents value that trait in you or did they exploit it?

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Originally posted by Faith:
Still, I got into high school and for some reason, kept getting asked out by guys who I thought were totally out of my league.... So I might just be a stepping stone for someone else who is trying to find themselves or whatever.

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Originally posted by Faith:
I feel people's vibes and sometimes have to restrain myself from wanting to offer physical consolation...rubbing their backs and such.....not sure I would ever want to do it professionally!

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In order to give a proper massage there is a basic technique called "Hook Up" (horrible name haha). Essentially it connects you to your client's physical rhythms, but emotional exchange ends up having a lot to do with it too. The connection with the visitors at HARP was indescribable. Some people you would touch and they were so physically/emotionally frail, they would feel like an infant in an incubator. Others would emotionally recoil and you would spend the whole session coaxing them out... I digress... Massage has its merits for sure, you just have to not mind getting dirty for other people's benefit HAha.

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Originally posted by Faith:
That is so sweet. I'm going to regard her as your guardian angel because that interpretation suits me, even though she was a mooching angel.

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Originally posted by Faith:
Here you go! Can you post it here?

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By the time I was in jr. high school I felt invisible and I couldn't understand why God would put me on this earth to serve him and then leave me so young, without any guidance. I had always talked to God, he was essentially my imaginary friend and there was always a feeling that no matter what happened (an atomic bomb could drop on my head) I would be protected. If I was confused about something, birds would land in the distance and play out the answers to my social problems. If I felt alone, the wind would caress my cheek, reminding me I wasn't. Sometimes I would just get feelings or even hear a voice in my head. It was just kind of a thing I didn't share with others (partially because I thought it happened for them too, in their own way). When I was about 10, I was introduced to comic books and decided (with my protection guarantee HAha) I was going to grow up to be a super hero. I figured the best way to do that was to learn how to be psychic, so I got lots of books and practiced a lot, but nothing happened.

In the summer before I started high school, I attended a parapsychology class. The teacher was a well traveled guy who ran his own hypnotherapy practice. He originally learned hypnosis (among other weird stuff) from his time serving in the army. He took a liking to me and invited me to apprentice under him. So by the time I was in high school, I had trained as a professional hypnotherapist (too young to be licensed though). After learning more about the mind, I started to have chunks of psychic experiences. In fact, it stopped being a matter of me pursuing psychic skills, and more of a scenario where I would stumble over one, then spend the following year acclimating to a completely new comprehension of reality. By senior year, I had an intense grasp of empathy (especially empathy through psychometry). My first experience with empathy actually resulted in a visit to the nurse with my friend's menstrual cramps HAha (that was a confusing day). I could eventually touch a person (though easier, touch was never mandatory) and scan their body (I was a walking pregnancy test). If I wanted to, I could even follow their feelings into parts of their history and see people's faces who I had never met, those people's life stories, and how they died (That lead to being able to talk to spirits). I was experiencing clairvoyance fairly regularly, and began to study astrology, high magic, scrying, and shamanism. That lead to my interest in hallucinatory drugs. I was just starting to perceive energy and auras when I started using acid regularly with my ex. He was excited, because he was in to experimentation with drugs and I was always adamant about not using them (I was a good boy).

A quick little blurb about Pat (my ex). He was the youngest of two sisters and a brother (like me). We both also experienced an age gap with our siblings. Soon after Pat was born his dad was told he only had a few years to live. Knowing he would not see Pat grow up, he devoted all his love an attention into enjoying their time together. Unfortunately this left little time for his older children and Pat was resented. After his dad died, Pat's siblings moved out of the house and his mom took on a 40 year old renter named Charlie, to help pay the bills. Pat was about 9 when the renter started molesting him. He continued to molest and psychologically abuse Pat until he was about 16, but his mother was too busy to notice. Pat did lots of drugs and made some pretty poor decisions, that resulted in his being institutionalized in a mental hospital. By the time I was ready to try acid, Pat was a pretty disturbed individual. The first time we fried together, we went to a graveyard. It was a really cool night, he showed off a bit and did some cool things (turned his hand into stone, made sounds appear and disappear in certain places, made a tree come to life....etc). I had a good time, but I knew it was all just the acid playing tricks on my eyes. The next time we fried together I made a weird discovery and he thought it would be fun to cause me to have a bad trip over it.... Haha unfortunately that backfired big time.

We were sitting on his couch frying (by this time we were both about 16 and he had moved away from his Mom/Charlie to his own place). I was staring at something pointless and then unconsciously looked over at him. He was sitting next to me in the corner of the couch (which was pushed into the corner of the room), He smiled at me innocently and I went back to staring at whatever I was staring at. I looked over at him again, but this time it was because I could feel something caress my arm. He was still sitting in the corner, just smiling innocently. The more I looked at him, the more I noticed that the shadow in the corner seemed darker...., a bit more purple than it should have been. I went back to staring at whatever I was staring at before. This time I definitely felt something touch my arm and I shot Pat a quick glance. He just peered at me innocently, "What?"...., "Pat are you touching my arm?"...., "HAhaha No, why?". Just then, while staring at him, I noticed the shadow he was sitting in formed a little shadow tendril, flicked across the couch, and brushed my arm. My brain automatically went into "WTF am I looking at mode", which triggered me to scan him.

When I scanned him I felt two entities. Pat was there, but he was inside this dark, very psychotic, very "kill-it" feeling energy. The energy wove up his spine (through his chakra system), reached out his third eye in the back of his head, and plumed over his head like an umbrella or a cobra. The more my scan felt it, the more I realized the shadow he was sitting in WAS it. I don't know how long I stared, but here was this guy I loved with this huge nasty demon thing feeding off him. It had these huge eyes on both sides of the hood, and whenever Pat would direct his attention to something, a tendril would form and follow his consciousness to the object (often energetically stabbing it). Then he said, "What?" in a saccharine and innocent voice..., "Pat, WTF is that thing?"..., "I have no idea what you are talking about...What Thing?"..., "Ummmm, the huge gnarly gross thing that lives in your back?". Then he started talking, but none of his words made sense. It seemed like every word he spoke had a buzzing sound to it.... suddenly all the little shadows in the room became bees and flew at me.

"Quit it with the bee thing Pat.".... He fell into hysterics.

At that moment something snapped in me. My Capricorn Mercury was like, "Okay, there has to be a logical reason for all this", My Moon in Virgo was like, "Dude, the drugs just play with your mind, if you can feel it exists in your gut, than it has to be real on some level."... And my Sun was like, "HI!!! Have you met my friend Neptune?" Everything around me felt fabricated, like I had been living on a stage my whole life, and the world around me was just a sphere of well painted particle board. I raised my hands in front of my face so I could look at my body. I turned my palms away from me and as if they had been rested on a screen, the whole world went 2 dimensional. Everything in front of my vision was flat and whatever was "behind" me (or not in my vision) became this vast infinite room. Just then every sound and object melted into a completely unidentifiable mush. I sobbed and sobbed AND sobbed. HAHah

Finally Pat reached out out to me, "What's wrong?". The sound created dimension again, but this time dimension had a different meaning. It is completely indescribable, but I experienced no time/space, while comprehending fully that my mind was telling its self time/space existed. My energy perception became stronger than my physical perceptions. A person, animal, or plant (for example) does not look 3 dimensional to me. They look like a changing picture on a flat screen (like when you watch a movie), the person's thoughts, feelings, and perceptions (which manifest as colors and patterns in their energy) are what I see more vividly around the person's image. A person's energy floats in (what we would describe as) 3 dimensions around their flat image. When you have a thought, a pattern forms in your energy and swims around the area in which you are conscious (your head in many people's cases when it comes to having thoughts)... The pattern and color usually change depending on whatever you feel about that particular thought. Then the moment you decide to execute your thought, the pattern disperses. Some of the pattern shoots from your head out across the kitchen counter to an apple, some of the pattern gathers below your body and pushes you out of your chair, some lifts your arm and extends your hand. Before this trip happened, I would have only seen you stand up and grab an apple from the kitchen counter (maybe with a little colored fuzz around your body).

I think I was angry, "Why didn't you tell me the sane people were crazy and the crazy people were sane Pat?". He laughed and Dave Matthews Band was playing in the back ground. He danced around when the lyrics said, "Dark clouds may hang on me sometimes...but I'll work it out"...He thought he was clever.

I often see people talk about Neptune as this intoxicating, teddy bears, lolly pop rainbows, and fuzzy cotton candy clouds, "Oopsie, I forgot to go to work today cause I was too busy wuving a widdow bunny" kind of energy. In a sense, Neptune can totally do that for people, to exaggerate the unrealistic nature of unhealthy views/habits we believe to be solid. Whenever we look back at a negative Neptune experience, we say, "WTH was I thinking?" or "Why was I so blind?"... To which a judgmental Neptune (lol) might reply,"Exactly". I think a huge disservice is done to all of the outer planets though, by their nature of abstractness. Neptune for example, is simply the archetype of unconditionality. The whole point of Neptune is to make "this", not "this" anymore. Who knows why it is important for things to be more than our ability to describe them, but that is what Neptune does plain and simple, no blurry lines. When we completely embrace Neptune, the value of "real" depreciates immensely. In a healthy Neptune situation we don't see what we WANT to see, because we can not otherwise define our obstructions. We actually see life with great clarity, because all obstructions become indefinite. In Kabbalah, Neptune is associate with Chokmah, the archetypal phallus. Psychologically, Chokmah represents one's ability to be penetrated by wisdom, to act in this world the way the creator would.

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Originally posted by Faith:
omg omg omg 'Dying to know your thoughts on telepathy.

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Originally posted by Faith:
My impression has been that your parents seem like they were body snatched a long time ago...Not unusual for me to hear about a family with 11 kids, where the parents are ex-Christians and the kids are running wild trying to figure out how to re-adjust to life.

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Originally posted by Faith:
That is SO TOTALLY MY BROTHER....People have learned to just appreciate his good qualities and try and maneuver around the control freak.

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When you respond to a wonky Neptune with unconditional acceptance, it kinda says..."Oh right, that's what I was doing".

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Originally posted by Faith:It's kind of like music. It's like, everyone is different and a manifestation of this giant party called life. So I am curious and want to hear everyone's song...I just try and put my ear up to their hearts and do what I can, from my end, to get the volume just right and maybe contribute my own vibes to make a harmony.[/B]

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I'm a little sleep deprived so I apologize for my general grammar, rambling, or making of no sense.

posted July 14, 2012 04:34 PM            

You must've posted while I was erasing, thinking I had just blabbed way too much. Glad you caught it!

Talk to you soon

posted July 15, 2012 12:43 AM            

Now I've read it and my mind is, of course, totally blown, and I really don't know how to talk to you.

'Would always rather listen!

Your sun is conjunct my Neptune pretty close so can WE just do some telepathy stuff? That way, when I say dorky stuff no one else will be privvy to it.

Anyway...

Let me just start by stating what I think will be obvious to you by now: that story makes me want to do drugs. I druggie stories, I always have.

Pat made the grass grow on the carpet huh. Then a purple flower. I'm not jealous, honest.

And here I thought I had a handle on the universe 'cuz I was such a pothead in college. Serves me right for being a goodie goodie and refusing to smoke crack when I had the perfect chance. Well I am kind of kidding, but I really feel totally blah right now.

Imagine that, purple flowers out of the energy grass on the carpet, with my hero Xiiro right there.

Random thoughts:

1) To myself: Yeah that sounds like the time I was at my ex's house with friends, and we were all stoned. No one was talking but then I realized we were communicating by breathing. The breathing said everything. One guy was breathing like poetry, but I didn't want to breathe-communicate with him because my boyfriend would get jealous, so I broke the whole rhythm on purpose to avoid a lecture, sighing, coughing, and doing other ridiculous stuff that made no sense.

All of that was real, I think.

2) The black thing on Pat's back...I've had a few night terrors where something like that appeared. Not nightmares, I mean traumatic, rattled-to-the-bone stuff.

Do you believe in demons for real? Ever encounter any while tripping?

3) Could you and Pat do as much telepathically when sober...or weren't you ever?

4) I wonder what is sacred and what is profane. I feel like the more subtle the energy is that you are playing with with another person, the more you are somehow "obligated" to it.

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you should never crack a baby bird's egg for it, it needs to find its own way out.

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There's so much for me to think about with that. Of course I feel embryonic after hearing all that far-out stuff.

Story:

When my father was dying in 2006, I got more and more uncomfortable around him because he became more and more enlightened through a long process and several near death experiences. I felt obsolete...you know Capricorns, we always want to help, fix, add structure, be useful...but I just wasn't useful or ANYTHING.

The way that I felt, wanting to bridge that gap from mundane me to ethereal him...well, it's very sad to think that the passageways are there, that can take me from my banal mindset to a higher plane, but I am always balking. It's super humbling to feel that some kind of cowardice or inadequacy has prevented me from becoming the kind of person who could have sat at her father's death bed without squirming and feeling like a nobody.

On the other hand maybe it was just my time to sense Light, even at the expense of noticing my own darkness.

At any rate, I feel small like that when you are talking about all these great things. And as I said, I don't like showing my vulnerability, much less in public, but I am candid by nature, and when I am strongly affected by something, I really don't know how to do anything else but tell it like it is.

Much more to say but I have to sleep. Be back Monday.

Thank you.

posted July 15, 2012 02:55 AM            

1). I love your stoner story about communicating through breath. I was especially amused at how aware you were of your boyfriend's ego. The fact that you knew the experience was real enough to be scared about hurting his feelings, is a sign that somewhere inside you instinctively know how telepathy works. That feeling of exposure is the beginning of telepathy with people who are not invited. It's a little scary, like unless you distract people, or change the situation, everyone in the room will know exactly what you are thinking and feeling.

2). My experience with Pat lead me to believe in demons, but in a much different way than I was originally lead to believe. From a Christian point of view, demons originate from external sources as entities who victimize people. I have met lots of demons, but they did not originate from external sources. Pat's demon (for example) was his pain and abuse, objectified to the point of personification. Unfortunately by the time I noticed it, it hat taken over most of his functions as a protective mechanism.

People walk around with "attachments" all the time. When we refuse to face an issue, we consider it "not-self". Unfortunately just because we refuse to identify with a piece of our experiences, doesn't mean those energies go away. Given enough ignorance, those energies become woven into a person's energy, feeding off similar experiences, and causing more similar experiences to occur. Pretty soon the person is walking around with more than one mouth to feed. Entities like Pat's are pretty advanced in my experience. He relished it, it made him feel protected and powerful. In fact, he was convinced that he was unable to play with energy without it. That is the reason I say he regretted breaking me out of my egg, because everything he did in the shadows, I would do just as well in the light.

In some cases (like mental disorders) a "demon" can occur as a result of wonky wiring. A person's energy has been damaged or they experience what shamans call "soul loss". Just like getting a thorn in your finger which turns into an infection, similar chain reactions can happen in people's energy to cause "demons". If the person is unable or unwilling to seek help, their pain or disconnection will eventually place them in the back seat and take the wheel.

3). Everything I experienced in acid trips, I brought with me into sobriety. That's the reason I kept doing it, I ultimately wanted to transcend reality. I mentioned briefly that my experiences started to feel like opening doors and spending the next year acclimating to a new way of seeing life. The same happened with telepathy. After the door opened it didn't shut and I spent about a year being driven crazy by other people's thoughts and feelings, trying to hide my thoughts from others, and hoping I wouldn't be like that for the rest of my life HAha. One of Sagittarius's lessons is learning boundaries, and I think having your brain blown open telepathically is a fantastic (if not nerve wracking) lesson in that. To answer your question, any time I think of him he hears it. I have to make an effort to not think of him in the deeper parts of my mind to avoid bothering him telepathically.

In a sense that is how I experience telepathy; not being immersed in the flat screen, but being in the inner private space we all share without realizing it. If I were to give an analogy of how it looks when I walk into a public space, I'm not sure it would be any more helpful. Being in a crowd looks like "being in a crowd" when I view reality outside my eyes, but inside it looks like a room filled with people looking out the window. Sort of like how people all stand, crowded in a public aquarium, rarely talking, faces pressed up against the glass, and transfixed with whatever is happening on the other side.

4). I would say truth is sacred in my own experience. Nothing is hidden in clarity. Regardless of volume, frequency, blatancy, or subtlety, it is intention which determines the value of an energy.

Don't let big feelings intimidate you. Pisces's first reaction is to be small when threatened, because it makes them easier to overlook. They also act small, because when their opponent underestimates their true strength, the Pisces always has the upper hand. It is Moon in Pisces's instinct to react in a Piscean way when their comfort or security is challenged. I think feeling small could be an indicator that your foundations have the opportunity to be challenged. =)

posted July 16, 2012 10:10 AM            

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I think feeling small could be an indicator that your foundations have the opportunity to be challenged. =)

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That's all I want, on the one hand. On the other hand, I see risk involved all around, as in some ways, the lifestyle I live is incompatible with my values, and to bring everything into alignment might be catastrophic.

This happens so often with people, I feel trite mentioning it.

For the most part, I've tried to follow my heart as I live. But there came a "fork in the road" when I was about 20, where I denied myself the path my heart was trying to follow. Basically, I wanted to drop out of college and devote myself to drugs and meditation (ha!) and maybe become like an Alan Watts kind of person (he shares my birthday.)

Instead I stayed at my cr*ppy, pseudo-elitist college (barf). At the end of college I joined a "cult," a home church that considered itself orthodox Presbyterian. The "cult leader," interestingly enough, was another Capricorn Rabbit with a Pisces moon, like me. He had consumed, he said, unheard of amounts of acid before landing in jail for it. Where he found the Bible and God.

It was easy to see him as a good role model, since we had so many similarities, and yet he was extremely brilliant. (Photographic memory and such. Mention an odd word in the Bible and he could tell you where it was.) He also spoke the language of acid and if you got him in the right mood he had plenty of fascinating stuff to say. I saw him as like a bridge between the two worlds.

I had HOPED to be able to circumvent the "need" for drugs and find a way to tap into the divine via prayer, and having this cult leader insist that it was possible...well, I bought into that completely.

Was it successful? No. I did have some "transcendant" moments where I felt, by love, connected to the people around me, but it was very self-contained within that group, and not exactly what I would call real.

Now,I met and married my husband in this "church."

The cult fell apart (as they are wont to do) when the cult leader cheated on his wife (as they are wont to do) and that left me cult-less. My husband and I continued on the path of faith (?) until a few years ago, when I decided to look at my ongoing, "abominable" interest in astrology square in the face.

For me, it came down to orthodox Christianity (no other version makes any sense to me at all) or astrology. I chose astrology.

Occasionally I am brave enough to do something psycho (edit: I just meant brave, for a Rabbit), like tell my husband that I am interested in astrology, which he deems witchcraft. The immediate reaction was...let's just say "not good"...but over time, we've kind of worked out an unspoken agreement where he knows I am interested in all kinds of New Age stuff but expects me to keep it hidden for our children's sake.

Why am I telling you all of this?

It explains, to a certain extent, where I am coming from, when I allude to various limitations I have, exploring spirituality. They are not all externally imposed, but I would be a different cat altogether were it not for these limitations.

But this conversation, this is good!

'Don't know how to thank you. Writing more of my sophomoric gibberish hardly seems like the appropriate response to the kindness you've shown me, but in this social context, it's the best I can do.

Bear with me, please.

posted July 16, 2012 10:32 AM            

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Did your parents value that trait in you or did they exploit it?

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You've got me all emo this morning with your beautiful writing. Now I'm trying to go back in time to answer this question, without crying.

They did both.

I think my parents didn't realize how sensitive I was. THEY were both sensitive (both Rabbits like me), but not like me. So I think they felt like they had a good sense of what boundaries I needed to feel safe...and they were just way off.

Consequently, early on, I felt like I was cast off and left to the wolves.

My much older brothers would torment me, beat me up and laugh about it, and my mother's response was always to tell me to toughen up. Now...I still find that bizarre. A four year-old girl should not have to go to her mother with a mouthful of blood because her 11 year-old brother thought it would be "funny" to hurl her against the wall as hard as he could, to make all his friends and his brothers' friends laugh, and then hear something like, "But you're tattling! And what did YOU do to deserve it?"

I love my brothers now and don't harbor any grudges (though...'can't say I COMPLETELY trust the biggest former bully.) But there was a lot of that kind of stuff in my childhood. It hardened me and made me feel worthless. I did get the feeling that my parents loved me but I kind of felt like they were the only ones who could, given that I was so fundamentally flawed that I deserved to get my *ss kicked all the time.

And life goes on and I am still affected, still have remnants of that pattern.

I am not done embarrassing myself by divulging my innermost secrets to you in public.

There's more....

posted July 16, 2012 10:49 AM            

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I was going to grow up to be a super hero.

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Haven't you?

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My first experience with empathy actually resulted in a visit to the nurse with my friend's menstrual cramps HAha (that was a confusing day). I could eventually touch a person (though easier, touch was never mandatory) and scan their body (I was a walking pregnancy test). If I wanted to, I could even follow their feelings into parts of their history and see people's faces who I had never met, those people's life stories, and how they died (That lead to being able to talk to spirits).

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PLEASE write a book. I want a big fat chapter on all of this, please! I will pay double and buy at least one case of your books (behind my husband's back, using cash, LOL)

Or can I just beg you to say more? Like what's the story about the girl with the cramps, did you just look at her and go, "You should see a nurse for that"?

Are you advanced even further now?

Are your abilities along these lines part of why it might take you a long time to find a partner...like you can scan the men you are interested in and find those land mines?

Edit: Not done yet, more to say tonight.

With apologies, in advance, for the length!

Double edit:

posted July 16, 2012 10:21 PM            

Hope this post finds you happy & well.

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... And my Sun was like, "HI!!! Have you met my friend Neptune?"

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Still giggling at that.

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When you have a thought, a pattern forms in your energy and swims around the area in which you are conscious....

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That whole scheme of things makes sense to me although it's shocking and alien-seeming.

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The whole point of Neptune is to make "this", not "this" anymore. Who knows why it is important for things to be more than our ability to describe them, but that is what Neptune does plain and simple, no blurry lines. When we completely embrace Neptune, the value of "real" depreciates immensely. In a healthy Neptune situation we don't see what we WANT to see, because we can not otherwise define our obstructions.

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I followed all that. I think I got a taste of this before when I was reading about Neptune relationships, where the morality of this or that fades, along with boundaries and everything...not because one wants "blurry," but because there is really no such thing or excuse as blurry, just reality.

In a sense, then, it can strip you bare of illusion and leave you confused by the lack of confusion, or "seeing life with great clarity," as you said.

I'll be thinking about that more over time.

So what do you make of Neptune conjunctions...is your sun kind of transcendant or equipped to deal with various layers of reality, thanks to its affiliation with Neptune?

Likewise, Venus conjunct Neptune is NOT that I see teddy bears and widdle wabbits everywhere, it's more like a piercing thing, (penetration, Chokmah) where I aim for the heart of people, ignoring a lot of the stuff others get hung up about.

Not sure what you would say to that.

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My parents were products of their own dysfunctional families.

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That explains a lot, I'm just surprised that there was so many molestation issues shaping your early life, and that your parents didn't last. I thought Scorpio-Cancer is pretty strong.

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a Pisces Moon wants most to just find a space where they can release and feel unconditionally accepted, tears, snot, and all.

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LOL. How'd you know.

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Just like getting a thorn in your finger which turns into an infection, similar chain reactions can happen in people's energy to cause "demons".

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Okay for once I can say, I've seen that before...seen how tiny things can snowball into these life-wrecking situations. And how some people who really are mentally ill...well to say they might have a demon makes sense to me.

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Being in a crowd looks like "being in a crowd" when I view reality outside my eyes, but inside it looks like a room filled with people looking out the window.

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What's everyone looking at? Or, what are they looking away from?

Wish you were my neighbor and I could just talk to you a lot.

Ditto to "truth is sacred."

Thank you for saying, don't let big things scare me. I'm working on it.

posted July 16, 2012 11:43 PM            

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Originally posted by Faith:
That's all I want, on the one hand. On the other hand, I see risk involved all around, as in some ways, the lifestyle I live is incompatible with my values, and to bring everything into alignment might be catastrophic....With apologies, in advance, for the length!

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It sounds like you could write a book about your own life and win a best seller. =) You seem to be in an interesting position right now, but that restlessness you are feeling is Uranus stirring. As long as you and your husband can maintain a loving relationship without judging each other's beliefs, you should be able to maintain freedom on your own spiritual path. It is however important, for all of us to seek out our own relationship with God, even if that relationship appears unconventional to others. Think about what Jesus must have felt, being a rabbi and teaching an unconventional message. Much of Jesus's wisdom rang contrary to the majority belief, even among his closest friends. Part of being a living and thriving individual entails risk, because individuality is a path we all walk alone. This is an egg we must learn to break out of.

Knowing this struggle is a common one shouldn't cause you shame, but comfort. It means you are not alone, and you are experiencing a common part of human evolution. It means you are growing, like all the other growing people out there. How can we experience the amazing uncommon things, without first accepting and addressing our common situation? Form your wings before punishing your self over not being able to fly.

From my experience, fixing my mind after doing the drugs was probably one of the most difficult things I have endured in this life. Taking the "easy" path is not taking the smart path, and it generally leads to just being lost. Capricorn learns by scaling each rock and niche on her way to the top, not by jumping in a helicopter and being gently placed there. When I was a kid, I couldn't wait to get old HAha. I was eager because I thought all the things I was confused or frustrated about would no longer be confusing or frustrating. Even though I couldn't wait I would pray in some of my most boring or frustrating moments, for the understanding to enjoy it, because I knew part of the wisdom of age entailed cherishing one's youth. If there is one thing I know of every Capricorn I have ever met, This will all eventually fall into place. You have Moon in Pisces this life though, so part of learning has to do with really challenging (and in some cases sacrificing) your comfort. I don't have to tell you that though, you experienced challenges to your safety all your life.

When we do drugs to find answers we often become very susceptible to things like, becoming a crazy cult leader. We go to a divine place, gain some divine wisdom, and then bring it back into the world and append worldly reason to it. Another negative side to Neptune in Sagittarius is, seeking dogma as a container for the divine. As a fire sign, it struggles to find satisfaction with just touching the divine. It must package the divine and hand it out to the masses in the form of rules, winning the enlightenment game, and boasting having "totally DONE the whole divinity thing". That is part of the reason I ended my practice, I was falling into those patterns.

The truth is, it is possible to do all these things without drugs. Drugs merely suspend our disbelief....and therein lies the key to how to discover these things without drugs. For me, the key to learning how to suspend that disbelief came from learning to properly meditate (which I refused to even attempt until I was like 32 haha).

I struggled with my own interests in occult or alternative religious topics, but looking back I realize they were all necessary. Understanding the universe for me, is like learning language. With a basic, limited, or strict grasp of language I can communicate just fine. After learning other languages, broadening my native vocabulary, and allowing my self to use words that are not accepted as standard words, my palate for comprehending communication becomes huge. I can look at words I have never heard before and understand their meaning through deconstruction. I can speak almost nonsensically and make complete sense to others. I can even communicate with individuals in their native languages. Exploring a relationship with the divine requires discovering the divine in everything one does, so how can one grow when they restrict exploration of the divine to a general set of rules? I struggled with my alternative beliefs until I broadened my understanding enough to realize I was raised to stand with my face pressed up against the painting. Here I was professing the the world was blue and yellow, when all I could see was a fragment of the canvas. The scriptures say "Seek first the kingdom of God". They don't say, "Stand in one place and the kingdom of God will eventually show up".

I would wager that the big struggle will not necessarily be embracing your eagerness to broaden your perspective, but the contrast of broadening your perspective while your partner remains content on a different spiritual path. If it comes to that remember, you don't have to share the same interests with the person you love, you simply have to love them. For me it all worked its self out, I don't believe in anything anymore, I just accept that anything is possible and invest my self toward whatever happens in the moment. Astrology for example, doesn't need to be real, it just has to apply to whatever is happening in the moment. If it doesn't apply I leave it alone, the same goes for religion, or any form of divination, or different healing modalities, etc...

With all due respect I would like to ask you to please stop putting your self down. If I wasn't interested in the conversation or didn't feel you were making an equal contribution, I wouldn't be participating. We are reflections of each other and you must understand that however much information you feel you are receiving, I am receiving an equal amount. Say whatever the hell you want, but don't apologize for it, or turn around and insult your self for saying it please. If you offend me, then you have made me face my own attachments and if you say something that I judge as stupid, then I need to go back and remember how hard it was for me to figure out half this stuff. I see your experience with your family left a similar taste of worthlessness in your mouth. That is an ugly battle, but finding worth is an awesome reward. =)

To answer your questions, I'm certainly not the superhero I envisioned. I may have experienced a lot of odd things, but I still crawl out of bed in the morning and wonder if something is going to happen that will make some sort of sense out of my life. Sometimes I crawl out of bed wondering if I have learned enough.

The story about the menstrual cramps was weird, I was about 16 and at school when it happened. I sat with my regular group of friends at lunch and when it was over we all said goodbye. I hugged my friend and immediately as I started walking toward class, I noticed this dull pain creep up in my gut and then vanish. I didn't think much of it but by the time I made it into my seat, the pain had come back several more times. Every time the pain showed up it got worse and by the time class started I had broken out in a cold sweat. Instead of the pain coming and then vanishing, it was now twisting my guts in knots and then releasing over and over again. I asked to go to the nurse and hobbled my way there. When I described the problem to the nurse she laughed and said it sounded like I was having menstrual cramps. I laughed and assured her that wasn't the problem, but after she mentioned it, they went away. When I bumped into my friend after school the first thing she said was, "Sh!t, I am having the worst cramps". Occasionally when hanging around her I would get the dull ache, sometimes she would even come hang around me intentionally when she had cramps, cause she was a sadistic Gemini HAha. I envy no women (especially Geminis) for their menstrual cycles, but it certainly humbled me to the experience.

Hmm I wouldn't say I have "advanced" as much as I would say "I have gained a broader perspective". When I had my near death experience, all of the individual abilities kind of just turned into my perception of reality. That is part of what I was referring to when I said it was difficult for me to fix my mind after doing the drugs. There is no reason for me to just walk around telepathically open 24/7. After the NDE, my thoughts became permanently telepathic, my feelings turned into permanent empathy, shaking someone's hand or picking up a gum wrapper was like asking them about their life story. When I talked to people, the moment they started to talk, I could see the conversation break into past and future, I could watch all the resulting events from all the plans that anyone ever told me, and see the events change when they changed their mind. I had random dead people chatting with me like I was their therapist, if I saw a story on the news, the murder victim would show up asking me to contact their parents. After stopping the healing work I enrolled in a temp agency to find a "normal" job. While working at one place I kept sensing a guy standing at the end of the row I was working on. Every time I turned though, it was just a female co-worker sitting at her desk. Finally I had the urge to ask her if she was okay and some guy in a motorcycle outfit appeared standing behind her. She said she was fine, so I asked her if she knew a guy who liked to ride motorcycles. Soon it came out that he was her husband who had recently died in a motorcycle accident.

It was kind of like someone just left the faucet running. It took me years to learn how to build spiritual boundaries between me and others. It also took me years to realize that because I had experienced an NDE and because I could see spirits, they piled into and on me like an elevator to the afterlife. Overall, learning to clean off all the crap I had rolled in as a dirty frybaby, not my favorite experience lol. Now days, I see the value in getting to understand people on their terms, instead of walking into their living rooms and rummaging through their crap, "Oh, this is cute... Where did you get this?". Part of the beauty of a person is they way they choose to unfold. I shut off most of my "senses" and save them for when I need them.

I think they used to stand in my way of finding a partner, because I would pass judgment on people for things they never disclosed. I think I also carried a bit of elitism around with me, always afraid others would hurt me, so always keeping the upper hand or an exclusive heart. The people I did attract and crush on were usually Scorpios with the same control issues haha. I was always a sucker for Aquarians though, because I never had to take life serious with them. I could just be myself, without needing to worry about getting hurt.

Nobody is "pure" hehe. Learning to see all the things we intentionally don't want to see is a hard path. I think merit is found in people who would change their issues if they were faced with them. That determines purity for me. "Demons" arise when we live unconsciously, wherever clarity and awareness live, there exists no place for our issues to hide. I believe if we want to live without demons, we need to practice being aware of who we are being in the moment. Even those who believe that having Christ in their heart protects them, should remain mindful of their actions. Otherwise they are using Christ as carte blanche to run amok?

and Namaste to you as well =)

posted July 17, 2012 12:31 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Faith:
quote:
That whole scheme of things makes sense to me although it's shocking and alien-seeming.

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Originally posted by Faith:
I followed all that. I think I got a taste of this before when I was reading about Neptune relationships, where the morality of this or that fades, along with boundaries and everything...not because one wants "blurry," but because there is really no such thing or excuse as blurry, just reality.

In a sense, then, it can strip you bare of illusion and leave you confused by the lack of confusion, or "seeing life with great clarity," as you said.

---

I agree, but I am not sure I understand "leave you confused by the lack of confusion". If you think about how you value other humans it may not make sense, because of the way people have treated you. And it may not be rational, because humans are bald war-monkeys, but you know beyond any doubt that it is a principal of the universe. You are completely clear in the concept that people should be loved. The confusion comes when that idea is challenged with conditions. Could you elaborate more so I can better understand?

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Originally posted by Faith:
So what do you make of Neptune conjunctions...is your sun kind of transcendant or equipped to deal with various layers of reality, thanks to its affiliation with Neptune?

Likewise, Venus conjunct Neptune is NOT that I see teddy bears and widdle wabbits everywhere, it's more like a piercing thing, (penetration, Chokmah) where I aim for the heart of people, ignoring a lot of the stuff others get hung up about.

Not sure what you would say to that.

---

In the case of the Sun, he heard at one time that he was supposed to be the luminary of individuality and identity, but ya know what?... He is just gonna do his thing... and whatever happens, happens.... Cause being, man....being. HEhe I guess Neptune turns things into hippies.

quote:

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Originally posted by Faith:
That explains a lot, I'm just surprised that there was so many molestation issues shaping your early life, and that your parents didn't last. I thought Scorpio-Cancer is pretty strong.

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As for my parents, it was a shock for me too, because neither of them showed any signs that they were struggling. I am glad they didn't work out though, I can;t imagine what i would be like if I was raised by my dad HAha.

quote:

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Originally posted by Faith:
What's everyone looking at? Or, what are they looking away from?

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posted July 17, 2012 04:08 PM            

Can't believe I forgot to comment on this:

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The connection with the visitors at HARP was indescribable. Some people you would touch and they were so physically/emotionally frail, they would feel like an infant in an incubator...

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It's just so beautiful to me that this program exists, and that people like you offer your help and you notice how people are. I wonder why just bearing witness to someone else's inner truth seems like such a powerful, lovely thing.

It reminds me of this from Rumi:

I shall be happy
even for insults from you
I only ask that you
keep some attention on me.

I think people are starving for attention everywhere. Either there aren't enough perceptive people or the communication just isn't sufficient. I mean, I notice when someone needs a massage, but they don't even know that I'm noticing and praying for them.

One more thing I'd like to ask you, while I'm talking about you being in the business of touching people. Back when you were in the gay ghetto, did you ever regard yourself as a healer to clients then? I read something once about "scared prostitutes"...something that was common long ago. I think they were mainly women, who were brought in to heal men not just of sex problems but even touching on spiritual issues, through sex.

The woman who wrote the book (Intuitive Healing) said that she gave a lecture in front of hundreds of doctors about this, expecting to be laughed out of the house, but she was amazed to find how much sincere interest there was in her speech.

Like you know how in the Bible, David couldn't get any heat, so they brought a young woman to sleep with him. Now...what's so wrong with that?

What are your thoughts, with your experience..can you tell me that?

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It sounds like you could write a book about your own life and win a best seller. =)

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Aw that is so sweet of you so say that. But I can't see it happening! I have a really pronounced habit of self-erasure (case in point, top of this thread.) I think it's my sun square Pluto:

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One of the most prominent characteristics of these aspects is the tendency to be intensely dissatisfied with their personal accomplishments and expressions of self. These people put a lot of pressure on themselves regarding their own endeavors. A child, for example, with a challenging Sun-Pluto aspect may work hard at a piece of artwork, decide it's not right, destroy it, and start all over again. This same child will be especially disturbed if they feel people are watching as they create their artwork.

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I draw a lot and I am literally exactly like that, still. I can spend a long time on a drawing and scrap it. I've thrown out whole journals before. On a positive note, when I finally have gotten things to my liking, and show people...it's a hard-won prize to feel okay exhibiting something.

Writing here is not perfectly comfortable to me. I would like all the words (from my end) to just vanish as if we were talking face to face. Your words I want to linger on...like this:

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How can we experience the amazing uncommon things, without first accepting and addressing our common situation? Form your wings before punishing your self over not being able to fly....Capricorn learns by scaling each rock and niche on her way to the top, not by jumping in a helicopter and being gently placed there

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That all just perfectly hits the spot. I'll keep this in my mind like a worry stone in the pocket.

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Another negative side to Neptune in Sagittarius is, seeking dogma as a container for the divine. As a fire sign, it struggles to find satisfaction with just touching the divine. It must package the divine and hand it out to the masses in the form of rules, winning the enlightenment game, and boasting having "totally DONE the whole divinity thing". That is part of the reason I ended my practice, I was falling into those patterns.

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LOL! "Totally DONE the whole divinity thing" TOO funny! And I see how my being Neptune in Sag played out the same way, just through Christianity. I just had to win that enlightenment game. Laughing my head off. Pluto transiting Neptune didn't help me, I don't think.

Do you think that your clients expected you to play the role of someone who had "been there, done that"?

quote:

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Exploring a relationship with the divine requires discovering the divine in everything one does, so how can one grow when they restrict exploration of the divine to a general set of rules?

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I love that question so much.

More later....

posted July 17, 2012 09:59 PM            

Re-reading what I wrote above...I hope that sacred prostitution question wasn't too personal or absurd.

Thinking about our charts, my moon might fall in your 12H? Which might compel me to ask weird questions like that? You're the astrologer so I hope you can tell me if that's significant.

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Astrology for example, doesn't need to be real, it just has to apply to whatever is happening in the moment. If it doesn't apply I leave it alone, the same goes for religion, or any form of divination, or different healing modalities, etc...

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Yes, I'm similar, I think. Yesterday I went to a coffee shop with my friend who has always been interested in astrology, but hasn't learned much yet. I was talking about what each of the planets mean, and she said, "It just seems so confusing, how do you keep it straight and how do you know it's real?" I said..."Um, honestly, I DON'T know if it's real and sometimes ditch the whole thing altogether!" Which we laughed about. In that moment, it was just better to talk about other things.

Just one instance of being free from everything and having a good time.

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With all due respect I would like to ask you to please stop putting your self down. If I wasn't interested in the conversation or didn't feel you were making an equal contribution, I wouldn't be participating. We are reflections of each other and you must understand that however much information you feel you are receiving, I am receiving an equal amount.

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Thanks for levelling with me like that. I was honestly wondering how you could enjoy a discussion that, to me, seems very lopsided.

I guess I will honor your request, since you are a moderator and can just lay down the Law if you want.

I'll look at it like an experiment...how can I paint without self-deprecation on my palette? Maybe I will just have to try a little harder to be clear and dignified.

quote:

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I envy no women (especially Geminis) for their menstrual cycles, but it certainly humbled me to the experience.

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I loved that story. Thank God you didn't try and become an obstetrician or midwife because if you think cramps are tough, try childbirth.

quote:

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After the NDE, my thoughts became permanently telepathic, my feelings turned into permanent empathy, shaking someone's hand or picking up a gum wrapper was like asking them about their life story.

---

It almost sounds like you became a dead spirit yourself, then?

quote:

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Finally I had the urge to ask her if she was okay and some guy in a motorcycle outfit appeared standing behind her. She said she was fine, so I asked her if she knew a guy who liked to ride motorcycles. Soon it came out that he was her husband who had recently died in a motorcycle accident.

---

Please realize that I am watching your stories unfold cinematically and you are flipping through the channels too fast. What happened next?? Did the woman break down, did the biker ghost hug her...

You might be thinking, "YES Faith, it always happens like that, don't you know?" But I still want to hear it. Like a bedtime story that a kid wants to hear over and over again, because there's so much comfort in the repetitive ending. Please tell me the rest of the story.

***

Reading about how you built up your boundaries and cleaned yourself off from your drug life was so interesting.

I think I may have been psychic as a child but shut it off then, because I saw everyone as crazy, and their obsessions, unhelpful. So the boundary building wasn't meticulous or intelligently constructed so much as it was just a total lockdown.

I have extremely bad vision. My eyes went bad when I was about 8...I really think that I did not want to see this world. That was another attempt to isolate myself for "safety."

quote:

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The people I did attract and crush on were usually Scorpios with the same control issues haha. I was always a sucker for Aquarians though, because I never had to take life serious with them. I could just be myself, without needing to worry about getting hurt.

---

I love Scorpio-Sag relationships. You know my roomate who married the Hot Austrian was a Scorpio? And my Scorpio brother almost married a Sag when he was in his early 20's. They didn't get married but are still friends. I think they make out when they see each other but I'm not supposed to know or advertise it so we'll keep that a secret.

Do you have Uranus in the 7H? So your crushing on Aquarians makes sense...and the fact that your Uranus sign is Scorpio (isn't it?) might explain why you like Scorpios. I love both of those signs, too.

You don't strike me as one who would be concerned about getting hurt..just going by what you've said, I see you as self-sufficient and resilient in relationships. "I loved him but it's over...that was fun but it didn't last"...kind of nonchalant.

Unlike me, because I was a zombie for years when I lost love before.

posted July 17, 2012 10:37 PM            

quote:

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I agree, but I am not sure I understand "leave you confused by the lack of confusion".... Could you elaborate more so I can better understand?

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Yeah, what WAS I thinking? Leave you confused by lack of confusion.

Well I will give you an example. Many times in my adventures through life, I have fallen in love with boys for absolutely no good reason. Given the circumstances, your average Joe might comment, "That makes no sense, it's confusing, why on earth would you pick that person?! They have XYZ liabilities and it's your best friend's boyfriend and it's going nowhere and it's stupid and wrong and...finally, for a grand finale, you will burn in hell forever."

Simple fact remains. I am more or less in love with that person. I have no answers to the whirlwind of protest, but that is a little confusing, like, why doesn't my mind work that way? Why can't I be practical? Instead I have super clarity about one thing: I love this person.

That is only about romantic love. It applies to friendship also, for a corresponding but different set of "objections."

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HEhe I guess Neptune turns things into hippies.

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Ha! Man, I feel bad for the sun conjunct Neptune in Capricorn people, they would have to be dragged kicking and screaming to the New Age shop to buy their incense and patchouli. Metaphorically speaking.

I say that because as a wee, tad judgmental Cap, I reviled hippie everything. "You are either STRUCTURED or you are NEBULOUS and BAD." Lol!

Wish I was drinking some wine right now...it'd be nice to feel laid back while congratulating myself on actually becoming so much more laid back.

quote:

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My most heavily loaded house is the 8th. My Venus, Sun, and Neptune all transform through 8th house topics. As an archetype, sex is the creative and transformative energy of the universe. I find it a bit odd too, but if you look at my chart, I transform well when 8th house energies are involved.

---

Ohhh...that all makes sense. Do you resonate with any of the Venus-conjunct-Neptune stuff, just from having them in the same house?

Strange that you are celibate now, given those placements.

quote:

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As for my parents, it was a shock for me too, because neither of them showed any signs that they were struggling. I am glad they didn't work out though, I can;t imagine what i would be like if I was raised by my dad HAha.

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Will you tell me that story sometime? Were you blindsided, then? I thought your dad did raise you.

quote:

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We are looking through the window at our computer screens, out happy meals, and our tv sets hehe. Thank goodness the tv was created before we could start questioning what we were looking at.

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I think I grasp that. I feel like we have stuff and preoccupations as "fillers" to distract us from what is really essential and pertinent, which is...well maybe love from the source of the universe. But it's like we ignore that peaceful, empty space instead of living IN it.

You are a beautiful soul as I told you many moons ago...not sure if you even got that post of mine...but I've always wanted to talk to you like this from the time I first started reading your writing.

So it's an honor and privilege, now.

G'night Xiiro. Sweet dreams.

posted July 18, 2012 04:30 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Faith:
One more thing I'd like to ask you, while I'm talking about you being in the business of touching people....What are your thoughts, with your experience..can you tell me that?

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Thanks for sharing some Rumi, I love his poetry. =)

I don't recall ever thinking of it as healing work. People who pay for sex are usually not in the state of mind for healing. I don't recall thinking about much other than keeping my self stoned, fed, and in good humor.

In older times there were definitely both male and female "holy vessels", but their job was similar to that of a sin eater. The person would "dump" their sin/disease into the practitioner and the divine within the holy vessel would absolve, heal, or transmute it. I can't imagine it was as glamorous as it could be made to sound when you consider the clientele was likely sick or disturbed people. I am of the opinion that sex is one of the worst tools to use for healing, especially in our culture. In a world of taboo, genital mutilation, gender inequality, body obsession, sexual gluttony, and sexual paranoia it is just not as effective a tool as any of the others. I have witnessed more healing happen by responding to sexual energy with unconditional love, rather than feeding a person's sexual issues with more sex. I don't see that as a comment on sex though, rather a comment on how people perceive and react to sex.

quote:

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Originally posted by Faith:Do you think that your clients expected you to play the role of someone who had "been there, done that"?

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quote:

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Originally posted by Faith: Thinking about our charts, my moon might fall in your 12H? Which might compel me to ask weird questions like that? You're the astrologer so I hope you can tell me if that's significant.

---

quote:

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Originally posted by Faith: I loved that story. Thank God you didn't try and become an obstetrician or midwife because if you think cramps are tough, try childbirth.

---

quote:

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Originally posted by Faith: It almost sounds like you became a dead spirit yourself, then?

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Faith:
Please realize that I am watching your stories unfold cinematically and you are flipping through the channels too fast. What happened next?? Did the woman break down, did the biker ghost hug her...

You might be thinking, "YES Faith, it always happens like that, don't you know?" But I still want to hear it. Like a bedtime story that a kid wants to hear over and over again, because there's so much comfort in the repetitive ending. Please tell me the rest of the story.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Faith:
I think I may have been psychic as a child but shut it off then, because I saw everyone as crazy, and their obsessions, unhelpful. So the boundary building wasn't meticulous or intelligently constructed so much as it was just a total lockdown.

I have extremely bad vision. My eyes went bad when I was about 8...I really think that I did not want to see this world. That was another attempt to isolate myself for "safety."

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Faith:
Do you have Uranus in the 7H? So your crushing on Aquarians makes sense...and the fact that your Uranus sign is Scorpio (isn't it?) might explain why you like Scorpios. I love both of those signs, too.

You don't strike me as one who would be concerned about getting hurt..just going by what you've said, I see you as self-sufficient and resilient in relationships. "I loved him but it's over...that was fun but it didn't last"...kind of nonchalant.

Unlike me, because I was a zombie for years when I lost love before.

---

I think the Fire and Earth Grand Trines in my chart give off a "level headed"/"whatever happens, happens" kind of vibe, but all my fire is bathed in water. I think part of the vibe comes from surviving the emotional abuses of my parents. At some point I just had to make a vow that I couldn't let it turn me into a negative person. I definitely have fear of being hurt, there is just a disconnect between those feelings when they are caused and the way I "drive the bus". It's like if you are driving a bus and a rock flies through the window and off your head. My head hurts like anyone else, but I can't let that pain ruin my ability to drive myself to a safe location. Once I park, then I can grab my head and shout expletives. Just look at the way my experience with Pat effected my ability to maintain a relationship. I am just fortunate enough to have an off switch by the time those feelings get to my daily functions.

It's the damn Moon in Virgo. Someone can wake me up out of a deep sleep and I will have a totally pleasant and functional conversation. It is all fake, my brain is just answering questions appropriately, like a person answers test questions. I am always nice, because it gets the conversation over with quickly. Ask me an hour later what we talked about, after I properly wake up and I won't even recall the conversation. My outside just kinda knows how to do most of its stuff on autopilot, while I am usually inside dealing with emotional issues or pondering my bellybutton. Sometimes I will even read entire chapters of books repeatedly, because my mind goes off on a tangent and my body keeps reading the book. I come back an hour later and realize I have no idea why the character is running around in a chicken suit.

quote:

---

Originally posted by Faith:
Well I will give you an example. Many times in my adventures through life, I have fallen in love with boys for absolutely no good reason. Given the circumstances, your average Joe might comment, "That makes no sense, it's confusing, why on earth would you pick that person?! They have XYZ liabilities and it's your best friend's boyfriend and it's going nowhere and it's stupid and wrong and...finally, for a grand finale, you will burn in hell forever."

Simple fact remains. I am more or less in love with that person. I have no answers to the whirlwind of protest, but that is a little confusing, like, why doesn't my mind work that way? Why can't I be practical? Instead I have super clarity about one thing: I love this person.

That is only about romantic love. It applies to friendship also, for a corresponding but different set of "objections."

---

In your case, having Venus involved associates Neptune a bit more with "why one loves an object" and "what qualities make an object worthy of love". Venus IS all about those qualifications.

quote:

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Originally posted by Faith:
Wish I was drinking some wine right now...it'd be nice to feel laid back while congratulating myself on actually becoming so much more laid back.

---

quote:

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Originally posted by Faith:
Ohhh...that all makes sense. Do you resonate with any of the Venus-conjunct-Neptune stuff, just from having them in the same house?

Strange that you are celibate now, given those placements.

---

quote:

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Originally posted by Faith:
Will you tell me that story sometime? Were you blindsided, then? I thought your dad did raise you.

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I was made to live with my dad for a year, because my mom had brought home a 19 year old from her ESL night school class and didn't want to be disturbed. It really goes to show how concerned my mom was about my well being considering they divorced after my sister told my mom that my dad was molesting her. I didn't like living with my dad cause he had religious OCD and that's not fun for kids. Mom had stopped going to church and though I felt bad leaving my dad alone, I asked to move in with her. The 19 year old moved in too and is my stepfather to this day HAha. I lived with my mom until sophomore year of high school, then to dad's house, then back to mom's in junior year, then got kicked out my senior year and my dad's new wife decided she didn't want me to come back because she "had already raised her children and didn't want to do it again". So, that's when I was homeless.

This is actually a picture from the night I was kicked out....weird hu?

posted July 18, 2012 12:44 PM            

Namaste Xiiro,

Thank you for everything. Loved reading all of this.

Regarding my prostitution question, I loved your answer. I guess my optimistic view reflects my own naivete, due to a real lack of experience with sex and healing, both. I never had casual sex once in my life. And never healed anyone just with energy or touch, that I know of. But both areas interest me. Maybe my moon being in the 8H (ruling the 12H), then NN and Uranus both in Scorpio, with sun & Mercury in the 6H, all come together to explain my interest...

What you said about the effects of my moon being in your 12th makes sense. I guess I am seeing limited value for that, though... especially since it is sweltering hot here in PA right now, and the thought of being in any attic for long is just too much.

It was fascinating to read about how your Virgo moon works. 'Never would have guessed any of that. I would call it a damn moon too if it made me do stuff on autopilot and forget. Still it's a great moon...most of the Virgo moons at Linda-Land are articulate and helpful and much appreciated. My one real life Virgo moon friend is just altogether lovely.

Our moons are opposed but out of orb I think? I don't have my exact birth time, but it's somewhere around 20 Pisces, if not a later degree.

Anyway, having a Pisces moon can suck, too. Like I felt so bad reading about your family life...shocked about your father doing that to your sister. I don't know why that stuff seems so common, it's all monstrous to me.

It looks to me like you are getting to bed late at night and I feel kind of bad about that...

Would you like to "hang up the phone" here for a while? Get some sleep?

If we find ourselves having another marathon discussion on another thread, another day, we can always revive this one and hang out here again.

Sound good?

Hope you have a beautiful day.

^ Pic of my Scorpio daughter in our field, with some medicinal little weeds there. Wonderful how medicine is everywhere, in a way.

posted July 18, 2012 11:09 PM            

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Originally posted by Faith:
Aw! You look so nice. I don't get how the picture happened, "Say cheese, it's your last day here!" ?

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Originally posted by Faith:
What you said about the effects of my moon being in your 12th makes sense. I guess I am seeing limited value for that, though... especially since it is sweltering hot here in PA right now, and the thought of being in any attic for long is just too much.

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Originally posted by Faith:
It was fascinating to read about how your Virgo moon works. 'Never would have guessed any of that. I would call it a damn moon too if it made me do stuff on autopilot and forget.

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Originally posted by Faith:
Anyway, having a Pisces moon can suck, too. Like I felt so bad reading about your family life...shocked about your father doing that to your sister. I don't know why that stuff seems so common, it's all monstrous to me.

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In your case I don't see the same traits, but that has a lot to do with the fact that like me, her Venus was also in Scorpio (Dun dun duuuuun). And a b!tch just can't get a break from how OBSESSIVELY JEALOUS that planet placement is.

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Originally posted by Faith:

It looks to me like you are getting to bed late at night and I feel kind of bad about that...

Would you like to "hang up the phone" here for a while? Get some sleep?

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Originally posted by Faith:

^ Pic of my Scorpio daughter in our field, with some medicinal little weeds there. Wonderful how medicine is everywhere, in a way.

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=)

posted July 19, 2012 01:51 AM            

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Originally posted by PixieJane:
If you don't mind my adding something then I'll say in my experience as a 15-year-old runaway that some johns are psychic vampires. I believe that through intimate touch (perhaps more out of the sense of violation than eroticism) they steal something they need to function, and they'd literally rather get a naive 18-year-old still full of light and energy to a life weary, streetwise 13-year-old (though generally speaking they prefer younger to older), which is another reason I think they're vampires as normal male perversion who go for kids typically find a specific age to target and lose interest outside of that (but the psychic vampire goes for the one with the most untainted energy to steal instead, and come to think of it I believe many of these types weren't even that concerned with gender). That's not to say all of them, just some (maybe even only a few) of them. And I actually sensed a couple before I even saw them, feeling what I'd vaguely call "the hunger" (perhaps "psychic sinkhole" would be a better word) for want of a better word, and I don't mean sexual hunger, it felt more like sex was the means to an end rather than the end itself.

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I can definitely say I agree. It is funny, people like that have a certain smell which makes me sick to my stomach. I had a roommate a while back who frequented the bath houses and I always knew when he got home from one, because his energy smelled of decaying emptiness. It is a very hard smell to describe.

There is a large public park outside of the area I used to roam and it has a circular street at the end of a long road (fondly referred to as the fruit-loop). It is known for being a place to drive by and pick up prostitutes or engage in anonymous nature sex. For a while, there were pimps prostituting 8 year old boys there and as you mentioned, pedos are a specific type of person. Tough I was underage, the tricks I went home with usually just wanted to feed on a warm body. I used to hang out in front of a coffee shop located between two gay bars. After last call the guys who hadn't found a hook up would troll the coffee shop. We called it the sidewalk sale HAha. There were plenty of times I went home with someone who just couldn't find someone to feed off at the bar.

posted July 19, 2012 10:59 PM            

I can't think of anyone I've known or met, who fits these dark descriptions. Then again, I have lived a deliberately sheltered life.

Anyway, thanks for chiming in, PixieJane. I'm feeling kind of sheepish about my naivete now. Do either of you think that there is any potential therapeutic value in sex, as a service instead of a love act, in any context? Or is there automatically some kind of pathology involved with the people who would want to use their bodies like that?

And one more question, I've seen it proposed in some books that sex should only be about communion, anything less is destructive. Do you agree? I am conflicted because on the one hand, I think, oh the world would be so much better. On the other hand, that could lead to repression of just normal, ho-hum sex drives.

Hi again Xiiro,

Sorry to bombard you with questions...as usual, ignore what doesn't interest you, please.

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. If Ceres is counted (which I do) all 4 planets make a stellium, all about 5 degrees apart form each other. My Venus spends a lot of time playing around with Saturn and Ceres more than any of the other kids in her house.

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I'm curious how you interpret Ceres' effect on Venus? Also, does it affect synastry? I don't really understand Ceres. I've read about it and get the general idea but can't fathom how it combines with other things.

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Additionally, I would prefer the Moon over many other planets. Rummaging through one's unmentionables with Pluto, Mars, or Saturn, would be a less gentle experience. =/

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Oh! I see, that's reassuring to me, then.

You mentioned on another thread that your Jupiter is in Cancer, so that's in my 12H. I think you are helping me see, via magnification and taking an interest, what my old issues are.

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My Fire causes me to have knee-jerk reactions to everything, but my Earth automatically comes in, pats me on the back and says, "Okay tiger we know you are excited, put down the matches and let the professionals handle this".

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LOL! Classic. Thank God for earth-influenced people...I really appreciate that soothing quality earth has. I am a singleton sun, so...not a lot of earth here.

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Even when I read some poster's threads on LL, I have to spend like 5 minutes of high blood pressure, telling them off in my mind. Then I weigh the actual importance of the situation and move on. I fear Moon in Pisces with my chart, would make me act on all those upheavals.

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Don't worry I will tell them off for you.

I am kidding of course. Would you like to know something about me? My blood pressure never goes up. If I ever seem "angry" on Linda-land, I'm not actually feeling any anger. I'm just like, "Well this is the problem and I'm going to articulate it as best I can." I think it's my Aquarius Mercury giving me that detachment. Plus I try and argue ethically (Mercury sextile Venus) so if someone says, "Cool it" I can say, "Cool what? I am already cool."

The Pisces moon makes me sensitive to insults that I know are true. If that's the case, I don't tell anyone off, I just feel regret.

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I hung out with a Cap Sun/Pisces Moon in my high school group of friends, and she was one of the most manipulative, gossiping, guilt trippers I had ever known....

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Oy! Geez, that really sucks. I don't think I was ever like that, honestly. In high school, I had a core group of friends consisting of myself, another Pisces moon, two Pisces suns, and my Virgo sun/Taurus moon boyfriend. We were all mutually protective and kind of cocooned together through those formative years. It was ideal. Over time, more people joined our group, and our group mingled with other cliques, and it was all pretty friendly.

We would have liked you, I think you would have liked us okay, too. Incidentally I had a LOT of gay friends in high school...like 10.

Is it okay to ask this, did you always know you were gay or did you ever wonder about your orientation? I don't want to be too nosey or bore you with a standard question you've gotten a million times...but I admit to being curious. With my gay friends, it was always a big deal if they ever second guessed themselves..."OMG am I REALLY a lesbian still when I liked kissing Mike so much?" You know, like that.

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I understood (as a Capricorn) she was kind of a slave to her emotions.

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I understand. Pisces moon is a kind of slavery because you just sit there with people dumping their vibes on you, and it accumulates. It's not like your Virgo moon, where you get to DO something, or a Leo moon...I guess they just roar a lot...no, it's like the bottom-dweller crawfish moon that picks up everyone's cr*p.

Still, I have more fire and air in my chart than anything...so I don't just feel like a mud monster.

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This is my regular schedule, so I don't mind.

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Really? I'd like to keep talking if you're up for it.

About my daughter, that picture is six years old, it just reminds me of a happy day, so I posted it. So she is a Sag Pluto girl. She IS very determined, though. Scorpio/Horse with a Gem moon conjunct NN pretty tight.

As for the world still being kind of like Eden, yes...if people can just stay focused long enough to notice.

Fruitarian diet sounds interesting. I guess the raw food explains your energy level into the night?

There are hundreds of wild blueberry bushes on my country property (I'm not there now) and some days in summer I do live off them and feel very good. Raspberries, currants, gooseberries, too. See, if you were my neighbor you could help yourself to all that AND the *raw* trippy mushrooms in the forest, for a bonus.

Always nice talking with you.

posted July 19, 2012 11:34 PM            

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Originally posted by Faith:
Do either of you think that there is any potential therapeutic value in sex, as a service instead of a love act, in any context? Or is there automatically some kind of pathology involved with the people who would want to use their bodies like that?

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Seems likely to me as sex gets to the root of who we are (no matter how little it may matter to us) so I could see someone getting to the core of someone and healing them at that level (theoretically). But I'd guess it would have to be a calling and I don't think anyone could be trained for it without such a calling (though I did find the concept of "companions" in the TV series Firefly interesting, especially as they're not seen the same as "****** "). If such a person with a genuine calling exist then I'd say this is one such person:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Annie_Sprinkle

It's been years since I read anything by her but I vaguely recall an interview in which she said sex heals and gave several examples of how she used it to do so. Even so I'm sure there's some people she'd be better off not trying to help (at least not without some hard core occult training to protect herself from what I called the "vampires").

But the vast majority of prostitutes, especially on the streets, are not sacred, they're tragic. I'm open to the concept that it doesn't have to be (and I buy George Carlin's logic on if selling & sex are legal then selling sex should be legal), but it's currently a very ugly world to be a prostitute in right now, even in some countries where it's legalized (and thus prostitutes are theoretically protected from violence and slavery, though in actuality they're often ignored at best when they go to the cops for help).

posted July 20, 2012 02:22 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Faith:
Do either of you think that there is any potential therapeutic value in sex, as a service instead of a love act, in any context? Or is there automatically some kind of pathology involved with the people who would want to use their bodies like that?

And one more question, I've seen it proposed in some books that sex should only be about communion, anything less is destructive. Do you agree? I am conflicted because on the one hand, I think, oh the world would be so much better. On the other hand, that could lead to repression of just normal, ho-hum sex drives.

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Therapeutic sex ignores an essential factor for healing in my experience, a well protected practitioner. The act of sex is a practice in opening up and sharing (every time, regardless of how invested we are), it is a ritual in vulnerability. Imagine going to the doctor and your general practitioner having to make their self susceptible to your illness before they were able to treat you. My experiences with effective healing didn't come from playing around in a person's guts, but by stepping out of the way as much as possible and letting nature do its thing. It is important to look at how nature heals when contemplating healing therapies. If you take a diseased tree which is flowering, and pollinate it with a healthy tree, it still bears diseased fruit. If you take a diseased piece of fruit and a healthy piece of fruit and rub the healthy fruit all over the diseased one, it does not magically become healthy by osmosis. In fact, chances of the healthy fruit becoming diseased increase. A practitioner who opens their self to their client's disease does both their self and their client a disservice and here is why. As "healers" WE are not healing anything, we are creating dynamic environments which naturally incline a client toward facilitating their own healing. Part of building those dynamic environments requires a healer to step aside and let the work be done. If a practitioner is busy grinding their healerness all over a person's disease, they essentially stand between the client and their health. I used to refer to healing work in cooking terms, stick em in the oven, let em cook, and make adjustments along the way as needed. Any healing work which requires the healer to take center stage, is a practice which I would suggest looking deeply at.

Contrarily, I think sex between people who love each other is astoundingly therapeutic. Both parties are capable of sharing sex in a nonphysical way and their relationship is fortified by the energetic attachments formed during sex. Couples who have fought can also reconcile sexually as a method for healing a relationship. So for me, I think there is a season for sexual healing. In order to be an effective tool a more in-depth environment of bonding is required, than what is generated between a client and practitioner. Sex also requires a much more in-depth follow up process which I feel would be impossible for a practitioner to maintain.

"I've seen it proposed in some books that sex should only be about communion" Running results in cardiovascular exercise regardless of our reason for running. Should we only run with the intention to exercise? I don't think so, sometimes it is just fun to enjoy running for running's sake. Is it wise to run through crowded shopping centers and around pools? Not really. There are appropriate settings and frequencies for our physical actions. Where and when to act in which ways is best considered with wisdom I think.

quote:

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Originally posted by Faith:
I'm curious how you interpret Ceres' effect on Venus? Also, does it affect synastry? I don't really understand Ceres. I've read about it and get the general idea but can't fathom how it combines with other things.

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quote:

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Originally posted by Faith:
Would you like to know something about me? My blood pressure never goes up. If I ever seem "angry" on Linda-land, I'm not actually feeling any anger. I'm just like, "Well this is the problem and I'm going to articulate it as best I can." I think it's my Aquarius Mercury giving me that detachment. Plus I try and argue ethically (Mercury sextile Venus) so if someone says, "Cool it" I can say, "Cool what? I am already cool."

The Pisces moon makes me sensitive to insults that I know are true. If that's the case, I don't tell anyone off, I just feel regret.

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quote:

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Originally posted by Faith:
We would have liked you, I think you would have liked us okay, too. Incidentally I had a LOT of gay friends in high school...like 10.

Is it okay to ask this, did you always know you were gay or did you ever wonder about your orientation? I don't want to be too nosey or bore you with a standard question you've gotten a million times...but I admit to being curious. With my gay friends, it was always a big deal if they ever second guessed themselves..."OMG am I REALLY a lesbian still when I liked kissing Mike so much?" You know, like that.

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When I consider my own gender and sexuality I feel half male half female, and I am attracted to all sorts of people and genders. I enjoy the way I look, so I have no interest in altering my body to look more androgynous. When it comes to both these aspects of my self, I feel no different than when I was 3 years old. I have always felt this gender and I have always been attracted to both men and women. I label my self as gay because in the whole scheme of things, what I seek in men tends to be relationship oriented and what I seek in women tend to be traits I would like to see in my self. Though I have maintained fairly long-term relationships with women and even enjoy sex with women, I feel it is unfair to put my self out there for women when I am 1). Less likely to seek long-term romance and 2). likely to desire intimacy with a man while participating in a relationship with a woman.

I think people struggle with sexual attraction when it starts to get a bit blurry, because sexuality is such a defining factor in being a social human. As a gay man, there are struggles which no other kind of person will be able to understand. Going through those struggles creates a fraternity among its members. We create our own mannerisms, language, art, style, and associations, which reinforce our feeling of cohesion and tribal belonging. People spend much of their lives building a niche within their social affiliations. Facing the idea that one may have feelings which could exclude them from those clubs, can create great conflict.

For me I enjoy the club and occasionally carry the card, but I understand the universe is much more fluid than the structures we see in it and try to face the crumbling of those structures as they manifest.

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Originally posted by Faith:
There are hundreds of wild blueberry bushes on my country property (I'm not there now) and some days in summer I do live off them and feel very good. Raspberries, currants, gooseberries, too. See, if you were my neighbor you could help yourself to all that AND the *raw* trippy mushrooms in the forest, for a bonus.

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