posted June 04, 2006 08:21 AM            

"Not every girl who's dumped after sex is a "Lax Sl*t" who passes around the Honey Pot."

Who called you a lax Sl*t?

also I didn't get this one either

"I cannot express my resentment enough, at being falsly accused of having "loose morals."

who said that? Him?
doesn't really matter, this goes back to the original post and all the sweet nothings they say.

I hate it when women are used and abused

posted June 04, 2006 07:31 PM              

Not always the case.

I think you would be hard pressed to find any girl (or guy for that matter) who has never been used and abused. I sure you have your own tales to tell.

And the reason I waited so long, was not some sort of game.

It was because wanted to wait until we were both graduated from high-school/college and were in University.

Then I felt we were finally old enough.

posted June 04, 2006 07:39 PM            

When you say used and abused it sounds as though women only 'jump' into bed with men to please them which implies that women don't enjoy sex.

There are also women who sleep with men because they enjoy sex not just because they think the said men might be husband material.

Are you saying that you would only have sex with a man if you thought it was gioing to lead to marriage? If so maybe you should tell the person that you are going to sleep with them for that reason. I think if you did this most men quite rightly would run a mile and therefore you wouldn't have the problem of feeling used.

Chrissie
x

posted June 04, 2006 08:07 PM              

No, I don't only have sex on the way to the alter. But then again, if I don't feel he's trustworthy, or stable, or honest enough to be "marriage material," I shouldn't be sleeping with him anyway.

And as for that last bit, the topic of our future had already been discussed between us many times. I certainly didn't "spring it on him."

This boy spoke of marriage, and a life together, and our future children. He made plans with me. He made promises also.

posted June 04, 2006 08:22 PM            

Ok, sorry if my comments upset you - I obviously misunderstood the reasons for them.

But dont let one bad experience turn you into a 'game player' with men.

The most important thing is that you remain honest and true to yourself.

posted June 05, 2006 11:58 AM              

Anyway, my mum always tells me the lord only gives you someone well suited.
So it got me thinking, change myself, it’ll change who I attract.

posted June 05, 2006 03:51 PM            

Berry, Not ALL men are like that at all. I keep my cards close to my chest - NOT because of some game that I am playing, but because that is how I am. I have had some wonderful experiences and some horrible expriences.

Whether a person is good at withholding information so that they don't get hurt or not doesn't mean that a clever person can't extract it. One doesn't have to say "Hey babe, here are ALL my hopes and dreams" for them to use them against you or dash them into the ground.

____

posted June 05, 2006 05:00 PM            

Actually, I think it is how a person takes things. Some relationships don't last and that isn't a reflection on either party unless one is obsessive / clingy or the other person is just an evil manipulator - THIS INCLUDES WOMEN.

Women are JUST as horrible as MEN. Le't think about it - there are some women that use their bodies to control men. They have whole low self-esteem thing where they believe a man only wants them for sex, so they have to use their bodies to procure jewelery, money for rent, cars...etc... the concept of a kept woman wasn't just invented by men - women had to play along with it.

I've had women friends tell me "Pidaua, that guy is rich and he's interested, just think of all the trips you can go on or diamonds you can get.. Hell, he's a sugar daddy". UGH!! that just puts us back into the stone ages. Would that make me different than a man who is playing on the emotions of a woman to get sex?

This whole concept that women only get played because they want to be played is ludicrious. I do agree that if a woman goes out, gets drunk and sleeps with some stranger - well, she should expect it not to be a lasting love affair. In the same manner if some wealthy man is out partying and spends thousands entertaining hot women, yet goes home alone, he can't complain that he got used. BUT - there are some people that make manipulation a key part of their personality.

There are men and women that learn to play on others weaknesses... the sexy woman that purrs into her older, rich lovers ear about what she wants to do with him.. if only she had enough money to pay her rent....etc... or the man that looks lovingly into the womans eyes telling her he has never felt this way before - only because he wants to get into her pants.

posted June 05, 2006 10:32 PM              

I've just revealed a painful personal story here, and everyone wants to use it as an opportunity brag about how they've never been dumped, because they're so cool and have all the mojo.

You didn't exactly pick the most appropriate time to go patting yourselves on the back.

posted June 05, 2006 11:55 PM              

I've been dumped. I still have my mojo. Nope, not a peice of crap either. I just don't give up that easy. You may be the same way.

posted June 06, 2006 03:56 AM              

I actually started dating him because I felt sorry for him.

After I nurtured him, and built up his self esteem... he turned into a jerk. I guess I created a monster.

I had the opportunity to dump him, but I was hoping my sweet boyfriend was still under there, and that he would come back.

Like people who get tangled up with drug addicts and alcoholics, I wanted so badly for it to be "just a phase."

posted June 06, 2006 06:55 AM            

I think you helped your ex-boyfriend on his life-journey. He had low-self-esteem, you built up his confidence, and then he drifted away, like an adventurer keen to take his new-found confidence out into the world. He may make lots of mistakes due to his youthful exuberance, but at least he can make mistakes now, it sounds like he was too afraid to even dare think about making a mistake before he met you.

You said:-
"Plus, I had already invested so much into him. It's really hard to cut your loses. Especially when you've never had another boyfriend."

I know exactly how you feel here, because I have felt it many times in the past. In fact, this statement sounds a lot like a statement a NN Libra, SN Sries would make. I've been thinking a lot about my motivations in life recently. And I realise that many of the times in my life when I thought I was being giving and generous, were actually times when my motivations were slightly selfish. In my past, there have been occasions when I give a lot to people, and then I have become frustrated when they do not give back even 1/10th of what I have given/or invested.

But my intentions had been all wrong to start with! I had been giving with the purpose of recieiving back from that person. I had seen it very much in the same light you described - investing so much time and so much of my own personal energy, and then seeing no return. However, this type of giving is only ultimately selfish, and it stunned me to find out how much of a Pratt I was. When you give freely to someone, unconditionally, then a whole new type of experience rains down on you.

I've spent so much time trying to 'find myself' in recent years, that I've been completely missing the point of my life. The best thing I do is inspire friends, give my time to them, offer them advice in bad times, make them smile - in essence the best thing I do is give away my own self-strength to others, so they may feel stronger, and when I do this freely, without conditions, I feel energised and happy myself. Its like I am touching on the deeper parts of myself that keep eluding me in my times of solitary self-discovery.

There is a saying, "To be the best to others, you first must be the best to yourself" - I think this saying applies to people who are excellent in relations, but feel less strong in their own independence, people who dislike spending time alone.
If you reverse the saying - "To be the best to yourself, you first must be the best to others" - I think this is for people who have a very strong self-identity, yet are weaker in relations with others. We all have our weaknesses, some people are amazing with other people, but feel lonely when they spend time alone. Some people adore alone-time, yet feel uncomfortable around others. So I started to realise, that instead of focusing on my strentghs (self-identity) to try to find my place in the world, I should instead focus on my weakness (relating) and give freely of myself, without expecting return, then I would be true to myself.

posted June 06, 2006 08:13 AM              

Betelgeuse..
Quote:
"I think you helped your ex-boyfriend on his life-journey. He had low-self-esteem, you built up his confidence, and then he drifted away, like an adventurer keen to take his new-found confidence out into the world."

OK......ALL THAT I can relate to! This is very much the way it was with my 2 ex husbands.
I "dumped" them both for my own sanity and it actually freed them to continue on their own paths that had diverged from mine.
Ex #1 is with a woman who is as wild as him but will not take any of his crap. If he does something, so can she.(I just did not want to do those things ....and ex husband #2 is with a nice woman now who was too shy for him at the time he and I got together. Now that he has confidence and her husband divorced her...and I "dumped" him...those two are married. In fact I saw it as the perfect time to dump him! She was free and I knew how much they liked each other...so knowing it was not working for us, I "freed" him. I am very happy for them. They are well suited for each other.
They have both said thank you to me years later! And ex husband #1 has been with his wife for almost as long as I was with him! It still works for them.
So my dumpings were the result of seeing that I had indeed helped them out of their tweedy nerdy stages and or severely shy stages, and they became their real selves.
But their new found confidence caused personality and interest changes that were not compatable with mine. We all just grew apart.
My husband now, had, and has alot of confidence. He is just a quiet reclusive bookish type.(Like me)and that is how we like to live. We like people and socializing but we are often busy doing our things together, writing and all to engage in "busy" socializing and always on the go like many folks. Quiet small gatherings are our thing with very close friend(s). Unlike the other two he had lived on his own for about a decade before we met. Already confident and independant, he did not need a boost from me.
I hope I am making some sense here.
But I do understand, and I agree with you both as quoted above.
Again good luck BerrySweet.

posted June 06, 2006 08:48 AM              

Some of these posts brought to mind one of my favorite songs by Paul Simon:

_You're the One_

May twelve angels guard you
While you sleep
Maybe that's a waste of angels I don't know
I'd do anything to keep you safe
From the danger that surrounds us

Little by little
Bit by bit
Little bit by little bit
Now you got it that's it
What're you thinking?
Things'll go sour?
Take its temperature every hour
Nervous when you own it
Nervous when it's gone
What do you think has been going on
For so long?

Bridge:
You are the air
Inside my chest

Chorus:
You're the one
You broke my heart
You made me cry
You're the one
You broke my heart
You made me cry

You're the one
You broke my heart
You made me cry
You're the one

But when I hear it from the other side
It's a completely different song
I'm the one who made you cry
And I'm the one who's wrong
In my dream you spoke to me
And you said

Chorus:

You're the one
You broke my heart
You made me cry
You're the one
You broke my heart
You made me cry
You're the one
You broke my heart
You made me cry
You're the one

Verse:

Nature gives us shapeless shapes
Clouds and waves and flame
But human expectation
Is that love remains the same
And when it doesn't
We point our fingers
And blame blame blame

Chorus:

posted June 06, 2006 12:14 PM            

You missed the last sentance I added when I said while I hadn't been dumped I have been hurt. I was engaged to a violent, lying psychopath for almost two years. He cheated on my any chance he could because that was his way of punishing me. He was a narcissist without a soul- and I am not making it up. As soon as I landed a high powered job in bioterrorism, he called me at work to tell me (THE very day) that his friend had a heart attack and he needed to go to the hospital in Tucson. He came home smelling like hotel soap - I confronted him and his words, with that psycho smile were "What, do you think I would actually drive up to Tucson, stay in a hotel, have sex with someone and then shower?" I said "yes, and you smell like it". The end...

Of course it dragged on until I could leave- I found the hotel receipt a bit later (he still denied it, then there was the transexual porn, the beastiality porn.. so no honey, you aint got the market on being betrayed or hurt.

I'll tell ya what, I would MUCH MUCH MUCH rather he had dumped me after the first time we had sex that spend that time I did with him walking on egg shells and planning my escape. EVEN if he did get on his knees and beg me to come back, crying those big ugly crocidile tears. Crying that it broke his heart the day I left for work and never came home..boo hoo....He even lied about having a deceased daughter.

But.... I learned from him, from my mistakes and I have to take some of the blame for allowing it to go on as long as it did. I have a clear conscious though because I didn't seek to play him, hurt him or use him.

Karma blessed me big time. I am in love with a man that treats me like a queen and would do anything for me as I would for him.

If you fall into the cynical cycle (and I am not saying that you will at all) then you become what you hate most. You become that integral part of the game and start to cause your own hurt and pain in others - who then play the game on someone else.

posted June 06, 2006 12:28 PM            

Don't feel bad about being played- seriously it is not a reflection of the person that you are. Some men and women, no matter how nerdy they appear are actually horrible snakes inside. They will find something to play on- with you (as with me) it is usually the broken person (or misfit animal that is alone in the world and needs to be adopted LOL). We take these people, friend included, under our wings, nurse them to health and then watch as they stab us in the back.

As you get older and if you pay attention to the lessons, you learn to spot these dorks along the way. For me, I had broken up with a Leo that I was deeply in "like or love" with, but he has issues with alcohol and his dependence on women (not cheating- but momma's boy). I was sad that the relationship had to end and was nursing a few fierce wounds when Mr. T came into my life. His listened to my hurts and then used them against me later. He seemed as though he came from a sad background and needed love and attention (a Virgo risings speciality) but nothing was ever enough.

posted June 06, 2006 12:57 PM              

But We do learn from those too.
Quote:
"I'll tell ya what, I would MUCH MUCH MUCH rather he had dumped me after the first time we had sex that spend that time I did with him walking on egg shells and planning my escape. EVEN if he did get on his knees and beg me to come back, crying those big ugly crocidile tears. Crying that it broke his heart the day I left for work and never came home..boo hoo..."
Quote:
"But.... I learned from him, from my mistakes and I have to take some of the blame for allowing it to go on as long as it did. I have a clear conscious though because I didn't seek to play him, hurt him or use him.

Karma blessed me big time. I am in love with a man that treats me like a queen and would do anything for me as I would for him."

>>>After two terrible marriages I totally understand that!

I AM HAPPILY married now!

Berry Sweet,
I could tell you relationship/boyfriends horror stories, and many many folks here could!

You are not alone dear.
And you WILL FIND THE RIGHT ONE FOR YOU!

Again Good Luck and love To you.

posted June 06, 2006 02:14 PM            

quote:

---

So please Berry, don't blame yourself- but if the pattern continues then you need to evaluate what is going on in your own heart.

---