posted October 07, 2006 11:22 PM            

I've been off this board for a while, but when I saw your post still going, I wanted to read how things were going with you and your crab. I just read your last post -- I apologize for not keeping up.

I am feeling so badly for you and him now. But I say hang in there. I know it will be hard, but he has told you so much (I'm going by your last post), and you love him so much. I just feel like you understand him and he knows it. My god, he doesn't want to hurt you. I truly believe he hates himself when he treats you wrong because I believe he truly loves you very, very deeply. I love your devotion and protectiveness (word?) of him, the security you give him, the loyalty and passion.

I don't want to tell you to stay in a relationship that may have no hope as he may seem to think, but this is just his fear of getting too close and possibly being hurt all over again. And I think he has already gone very far in that department which is why he is trying to push you away, because he can't do it himself. No, he can't. He needs you to walk away, because he is so caught. He can't walk away from you.

At the same time, you are putting yourself out there, exposing YOU, so you've got alot at stake here too, it's just not all about him.

Right now you look like the stronger one, and this may be tiresome for you at times, but I believe you know that he will be strong for you at times too.

I don't know, CF, maybe I'm just rambling on. Sorry this is so long. But I don't want you to give up. This is a love affair that can go the distance and beyond.

posted October 08, 2006 03:29 PM            

Sorry for spelling your username
wrong

Please stay positive. I know that is hard, especially when dealing with a pessimistic crab (no offense to any cancers!). He holds onto the past so much that it is clouding his vision of the future. It's unfair and he is scared while at the same time trying to keep his dignity because I am sure you have seen him in some very vulnerable states which is totally between you and him and not something to be shared publicly.

But at the same time, the past can encourage him about you because you have always been there for him. He has just got to develop a new perspective.

I am cheering for you. Stay positive. Encourage yourself that where there is love there is a way. I'm not saying stay in a manipulative relationship, but if you know in your heart that what he is doing is trying to recover his self-worth and sense of direction, then I say hang in there. He already knows you are true-blue, and YOU ARE. Scorpios are some of the best people on earth when it comes to loyalty.

Cancers do love to laugh and they have looney sense of humor. It may be hard for you to get him to lighten up because you both are so intense and can just "read each other" so acutely, it's hard for you both not to take each other so *seriously* (I wish I could use italics on that word because I mean it to indicate a light-hearted, need-to-take-the-edge-off sort of way)

You both need to have some fun together. Escape somewhere where it's only the two of you and your fantasies can fly in any direction you want. Get away from the past, even "yesterdays" drama, and just have some fun together.

What do you think? Am I being totally ridiculous here? I haven't been keeping up, so please enlighten me if I am going down the wrong path.

posted October 08, 2006 04:13 PM            

Maybe you could just grab him and get away. Do something stupid. Ok, you feel you're in grey lizard mode? Well, you can't be accountable for how goofy you may act. He may be stubborn and look at you like you're nuts, but cancers LOVE nut cases!

posted October 08, 2006 06:36 PM            

I do like your advice, Dulce. Yes, Celtic, please do what YOU feel comfortable doing. It's just that sometimes, I have to get a little zany and go for broke. I figure it won't kill me and it may ME feel better or look at things differently.

posted October 08, 2006 07:59 PM              

"Tips On Dealing With Difficult Men"
by
Rhonda Findling

"Sometimes we fall in love with men who are difficult to get along with. However, there are things you can do to have a relationship with a difficult man and protect yourself from getting hurt or taken advantage of. Here are some suggestions:

1) There’s nothing wrong with changing your phone number.
If you’re trying to end a relationship with a man who is ambivalent or traumatizing you, then changing your phone number is a way for you to set firm limits and boundaries. There’s nothing wrong with it and in fact, I suggest doing this if you have difficulty saying no to him. Also, you won’t have to know or wonder whether he’s trying to call you.

2) Don’t be passive-talk back.
Don’t just take what he says at face value. If he comes up with a ridiculous reason or excuse for what he says or does, then say something. Don’t just passively take it.

3) His reality isn’t your reality
His reality may be a case he builds up to support his fear of commitment. For instance, he tells you it’s better to date more than one person at a time or it’s better to see each other on Sunday night rather than Saturday night. That’s his opinion. You don’t have to agree with him. Stick to your own reality.

4) Don’t let him downgrade the relationship.
If you’ve been dating and he wants to break up, and just be friends, don’t do it. Why would you anyway? Aren’t you insulted that he doesn’t want to have sex with you anymore? His changing the nature of the relationship might mean that he met another woman or just isn’t that interested in you, or can’t sustain a relationship. It’s a waste of your time and will end up traumatizing you. Cut your losses and leave.

5) Doting on him won’t make him love you.
Catering to a man and being his “love slave” (cooking for him, doing his laundry, giving him money), just makes you look codependent unless he is reciprocating all your giving behavior. It’s human nature to take advantage of people. So you’re setting yourself up to be exploited and used.

6) Don’t tolerate “partial relationships”
Partial relationships are:
> You only see him during the week, never on the weekends.
> Relationships with men that never go anywhere.
> Relationships with men that are involved with other women.
> He only wants to see you when he is in the mood, at his convenience
Partial relationships are a way for him to get his needs met (sexual, companionship, etc,) without his having to deal with his anxiety or issues about commitment. It’s nothing but a compromise, and you get the raw end of the deal.

7) Stop analyzing him.
I know he’s an orphan, his mother left him when he was three, his wife cleaned him out, yada, yada, yada. Although it’s sad and your heart goes out to him, if he dumped you or sees other women behind your back, etc., his traumas are no reason to accept his bad unloving treatment of you. The damage he incurs by other people in his past could be targeted towards you, if it doesn’t go untreated. Although it is beneficial to understand the reason behind the inconsistent rejecting behavior, if you use it to rationalize his bad treatment of you you’re setting yourself up for a wasting a lot of precious time on a man who’s just not going to come through for you.
If a man is in a deep committed relationship with you, with a future and has a traumatic past then it’s appropriate to feel sorry for him and be empathic and understanding. However, if he’s hurting or traumatizing you, refer him to a shrink and wish him luck.

8) Don’t waste time.
I understand how much you may want to be in love and how much you adore the man you’re seeing, but if he starts playing head games with you and is not genuine and authentic about wanting a serious relationship with you:
> Remember that you will squander time which can be detrimental and even self destructive if you are in your childbearing years, and want a family.
> Every breakup is a trauma so the longer you stay with him the longer it will take you to recover.

posted October 09, 2006 09:20 AM            

quote:

---

But don't you just want these two to make it? There's so much potential here... if only he would stop letting the past control his future.

---

Oh I know! I want to bang my head against this desk sometimes!

posted October 09, 2006 09:55 AM            

Savage , you seriously need to meet me ! :P

and LD , i share dulce's curiosity!

posted October 09, 2006 10:15 AM            

CF: Trust me I know exactly where you are with him and this situation, we are in the same boat almost.

I think at this time you should take some time for yourself. Get your emotions together and let him work out his issues however long that might take..I know that he cares for you but he has alot of issues to work out, and staying around gets you caught up in the crossfire.

Whats meant to me nothing can mess it up whats not meant to be nothing can make it work.

When I get confused about things I always reflect back to that saying and it makes me feel better..