posted November 05, 2005 11:55 AM
celtic when you express your doubts you are showing how much you are in love with him. That's great to see. Not helpful but it's nice.Cancers need breaks from people, like Pisces, and Scorpios, they get overwhelmed and need a private island to retreat to. Maybe you could ask him if he is on a retreat from you, just to make it clear? If it's accepted, it could be a part of his personality and come up often.
My mother and I are like that, she a Scorpio, me a Cancer Moon/8th house, with plenty of Neptune influences. She and I just feel each other too much so we take months off. We do communicate through others and let each other know it's off. For some reason it makes me like her more, and I have to follow her path in life because I have so much water too, but not exactly so I can't be with her too much or we become too much alike. I even start to dress like my Scorpio and Cancer friends after a while, it's in me.
If your Cancer guy is losing it, he will feel like pulling back-not to mention guys like to feel good about themselves, and Cancers are notorious at self doubt.
There is a great list of negative assumptions you could read while you are waiting for him to come out of his shell. Give him praise if you do see him, he will always come back to you if you think he is the cutest guy in the world.
To be honest I went with a pisces rising for a long time and he really needed his space constantly. I could never understand why he would go off to a cabin in the woods, or meet with people out of the blue. He would say he was alone and then when he could call another woman would be in the background who he just met. I was unclear as to why, and misunderstood his motivations which was silly-he really just needed to get away and I wouldn't go with him. Probably an escape from rigid controlling people and circumstances-but in the end he liked someone who gave him that kind of structure-a home where everything was rigid and structured. So Pisces does need that acceptance as an overall condition of the relationship.
The most I ever got from him was a commitment to be exclusive, I could never tie him down on any one place or time ever. Letting yourself be available means being happy without him too-have structure, don't avoid work, be yourself but know when to leave his presence so you are not drained.
It's easy to love someone and not imagine you will feel drained but you do.
I found this advice about loving-
the point is to do things to keep from having negative thoughts and assumptions-That is one reason I sew and paint, both hobbies are highly focused and require organized thinking, not emotional thinking as one would imagine.
Imagining and daydreaming are the worst. So celtic, focus on a puzzle outside of yourself.
One of the reasons I am moving with a whole heart away from a past relationship I could not let go of is because I realized I am presented with negative assumptions about myself constantly in this city. It's very old fashioned. Without knowing what I wanted to get away from I would be confused and end up with another relationship just the same. One thing I do not like is withdrawing, without saying why, I do not do this to my lover and I don't want him to do it to me either. It's sullen and negative and it sucks.
Good Luck with your Cancer, and maybe if you are happy in another way, he will start respecting your need for communication.
this entire piece is from a book-and it makes me think of Cancers and Cancer Moons.
"Stop Jumping to Negative Assumptions"
What is jumping to negative assumptions?
When I jump to negative assumptions, I:
reach the negative, pessimistic judgment that things are not going to go my
way and act accordingly.
am reacting to unresolved anger that gives power to people against whom I
harbor anger.
am acting out of anger, resentment, hatred, and animosity.
neglect to find out if things have changed from similar situations in the
past.
snap to a decision without having all the facts at hand.
ignore any positive input I may be receiving.
may be reacting to a situation based on a negative belief system.
generalize from past experiences that my future will be no different than my
past.
become pessimistic about my life because things don't look any different to
me now than they did before.
lock people into a certain behavior pattern, or a "script."
don't allow for the possibility of change.
have a belief about the way things are going to be and I don't allow for any
deviation from this belief.
close off the possibility for healthy change because I fail to see the
reality of changes in life being presented to me.
am being unfair to myself and to others.
How can I characterize my jumping to assumptions?
Ignoring the "yes'' messages in my life. Being used to receiving "no," I
make the assumption that things will remain the same. When people give me a
"yes," which is permission to act in a healthy way, I ignore them, assuming the
worst, and continue to react as if I had been given a "no.''
Having a chip on my shoulder. Because I assume that things will always go
wrong people perceive me as sullen, angry, negative, and easily agitated.
Giving power to others. By assuming the worst about people, places, things,
or events I allow them to upset, bother, or agitate me. This means I give them
power over me, negative power.
Prejudiced or bigoted behavior. By assuming that a person or group of people
will always act the same way, I react to them in a negative way. This puts
an emotional and/or physical distance between us, leaving no chance for
healing.
Acting in a stereotypic way. By making assumptions about how something or
someone is always going to be, I act in a "predetermined'' way regarding the
particular issue(s). This allows little flexibility and spontaneity in my life.
Thinking and/or acting irrationally. Most of the assumptions I reach are
based on irrational thinking. The possibility of change is not considered.
Fulfillment of the prophecy. By assuming that the worst is going to happen,
I subconsciously set things up so that they do happen and in just the negative
way I predicted.
Being close-minded. If I assumed that there is only one way things will
always be, then my mind is closed to other possibilities. This results in my
becoming closed or resistant to change, even to changes for the better. I simply
refuse to believe they are true.
Living with blinders on. Reaching the assumption that there is only one way
things are going to be, I become unable to look forward. I refuse to see the
possibility of things being different. I become narrow in my focus.
Being rigid and inflexible. By assuming that things can't change, my
behavior gets stuck on one track. I'm on a one-way street to nowhere, in a deep
rut.
I find it impossible to be spontaneous or flexible.
Being insensitive and uncaring. By assuming that I will be treated
negatively by everyone with whom I come in contact, I throw emotional barriers
up so
high that no one can see my feelings. This results in my appearing cold and
aloof.
Self-sabotaging behavior. Assuming that only the worst will happen to me, I
do or say things that hamper my growth or success. Failure and loss are the
result.
What consequences come from jumping to negative assumptions?
By jumping to negative assumptions, I:
find that people avoid me and don't invite me into relationships with them.
see that people are hesitant to tell me things for fear that I will react
negatively to them.
miss the healthy changes others are making in their lives.
close myself off from "healing'' relationships with people against whom I've
held anger and resentment.
lead myself into fights, arguments, or disagreements with little
provocation.
blow my stack before I clearly understand all the facts.
overreact; my emotional response is too intense for the circumstances.
reject people before they reject me, then feel sad and hurt when they don't
respond the way I'd like them to.
act the way I learned in my family of origin and this results in negative
consequences.
find it impossible to sustain healthy, satisfying relationships with people.
tend to be overly defensive and come across as either paranoid or too
intense.
become increasingly dissatisfied with my life and pessimistic about the
future.
easily fly off the handle when my hot buttons are pushed.
get embittered about how badly life has treated me.
feel it is useless to expect things to change.
give myself only "negative self-scripts.''
feel I don't deserve the "good'' things in life.
accept that I am incompetent, incapable of controlling my choices for
personal growth toward a healthy and satisfying life.
What irrational thinking leads me to jump to these negative assumptions?
All people are alike.
Things will never change.
No one wants me to succeed.
There are only two kinds of people in life: losers and winners/the "haves''
and the "have nots.''
I was meant to be a loser and a "have not.''
There is no sense in my trying to change since the others in my life will
never change.
I know how she is and how she will always react, so why expect anything else
from her?
This is the way it is supposed to happen to me.
There is only one way to think or feel; one should not deviate from it.
I've been hurt and hurt badly; nothing good will ever happen to me.
People are out to protect themselves, acting only for their own good; why
expect them to do something nice for me or be different with me?
No matter what I do, my life never changes for the good.
Wanting things to change is a waste of time.
I don't control the way things happen to me.
It's not what I say or do that counts, it is what happens to me in the end
that matters.
Everyone is out to get me; I have to accept this if I am ever going to be
happy.
Change is only in your mind; it is never present in reality.
My life script is cast in stone; nothing I do will change it.
No one will ever hurt me again; I will be vigilant at all times for even a
hint of negativity toward me.
Trust no one. If I assume the worst I'll never be disappointed.
I don't count on anything happening positively, so when it doesn't I'm
prepared.
I am an unlovable, unlikable, unattractive person; no one could ever be
interested in me.
If I protect myself from the attacks of others before they begin, I'll be
ready and can lessen the damages.
I never let my guard down so I won't get attacked at my weakest point.
It's better to protect myself now before I get hurt than to react to the
hurt later.
No matter what I do, it is always the same. I get the short end of the
stick.
Where did I learn to jump to negative assumptions?
I became skilled at jumping to negative assumptions:
in a family where honest communication rarely existed.
because I was unable to express or even identify my feelings as a child.
in my relationships when I experienced hurt, pain, rejection, and a lack of
approval.
in my early life by adopting a nonassertive mode.
by never asking people to clarify their meaning or feelings in our
communication.
by allowing myself to be intimidated by others.
when I saw that every time I predicted that a "bad'' thing would happen to
me, it did.
when I saw my parents and siblings doing it. It became a way of life for me.
when my creative problem-solving techniques kept not working with authority
figures.
as I learned that I could be more accepted by accommodating and following
the crowd than by thinking for myself.
How can I stop jumping to negative assumptions?
To stop this negative cycle, I need to:
develop optimism about the future.
open myself up to recognizing "yes'' messages in my life.
reduce my unresolved anger and get the "chip'' off my shoulder.
take back the power over my own emotions and stop allowing others to
intimidate me.
become open-minded toward people and groups of people.
stop expecting people to act in stereotypic ways.
stop acting in stereotypic ways toward others.
develop rational thinking about change.
accept the possibility of positive change in life.
stop predicting a negative outcome for each of my endeavors.
visualize successful, positive results of my efforts.
open my mind to truth and reality.
get rid of my negative belief system.
stop living life with blinders on.
experience the whole of my life, including both good and not so good.
become more spontaneous and carefree.
allow myself to become vulnerable in relationships.
take the risk to trust others.
experience a relationship for what it is rather than what I assume it to be.
identify all actions on my part which sabotage my efforts at personal
growth, health, and success.
think before I speak.
recognize when I am working from negative assumptions rather than reality.
to identify the paradoxes in life.
recognize that what appears to be negative could be an opportunity for
personal growth.
learn to deal with the riddles of life.
stop misleading and misdirecting myself.
give those in my support network permission to stop me when I slip into old
behavior patterns.
Steps to stop my jumping to negative assumptions
Step 1: In order to stop jumping to negative assumptions, I need to
recognize how I do it. By answering the following three riddles in my journal I
can
learn how I jump to negative assumptions.
Coin Riddle
I have two coins that total thirty cents. One of the coins is not a nickel.
What two coins do I have?
A. My answer is:
B. My reason for this answer is:
C. Scroll down to get the correct answer. Identify the assumption that
resulted in my wrong answer. If I was right, great!
Crash Riddle
A plane crashed on the border between Mexico and the United States. If the
luggage landed in one country and the wreckage in another, in which country
would you bury the survivors?
A. My answer is:
B. My reason for this answer is:
C. Scroll down to get the correct answer. Identify the assumption that
resulted in my wrong answer. If I was right, great!
Accident Riddle
Mr. Smith and his son, Tony, were driving home from work. They got into a
car accident. Mr. Smith died immediately. Tony was rushed to a hospital
unconscious and he was taken to surgery. When the surgeon saw Tony, the doctor
said,
"I cannot operate on this man because he is my son.'' Who was the doctor?
A. My answer is:
B. My reason for this answer is:
C. Scroll down to get the correct answer . Identify the assumption that
resulted in my wrong answer. If I was right, great, but even if I got all
three riddles correct, I need to answer the following questions in my journal:
(1) What is a riddle?
(2) How are paradoxes, stereotypes, and assumptions involved in riddles?
(3) How well do I solve riddles?
(4) How well do I solve the riddles in my life?
(5) How do assumptions interfere in my relationships?
(6) What are the sources of my negative assumptions?
(7) What unresolved anger lies at the base of these negative assumptions?
(8) What irrational thinking leads to my negative assumptions?
(9) What new thinking should I develop?
(10) What people, places, things, or events do I give power over me? What
happens to me when these things trip my "hot buttons?" Physically? Emotionally?
Riddle Answers:
Coin Riddle: One coin is a quarter and the other is a nickel.
Crash Riddle: You don't bury survivors.
Accident Riddle: The doctor is Tony's mother.
Step 2: Once I identify those things to which I give power over me, I need
to got to the next exercise.
"Get Down Off the Chair!''
Have separate members in a meeting of my support group represent each
person, place, thing, or event for which I have unresolved anger, hatred, or
resentment. Have each support person stand on a chair. [If I am not in a support
group I can do this at home using empty chairs] Place all of the "powerful''
items on the chairs in a circle, surrounding me, to represent the power they
hold over me. I will do one anger work-out at a time with each "power" item. I
will take the power away and in so doing, lose intimidation, anger, hatred, or
resentment. I will be able to face these items in the future without jumping
to negative assumptions. This will enable me to see the positives or "yes''
messages in my life.
A. Can I identify each person, place, thing, or event to which I have
given power? Do they come to mind easily?
B. How does unresolved anger, hatred, or resentment give power to these
items?
C. What does "power over me" mean in this case?
D. How do I act, behave, or talk when something has power over me?
E. What negative assumptions are reached when I give power to a person,
place, thing, or event?
F. How useful was it to role play "taking the power away?"
G. How many other people, places, things, or events, do I need to take
off the chairs in my life?
H. How will this reduce my chance of jumping to negative assumptions?
Step 3: Once I've identified what I want "off the chairs," I need to
identify those things about which I usually jump to negative assumptions. I will
answer the following questions in my journal:
A. When I jump to negative assumptions about people, I usually assume:
B. When I jump to negative assumptions about places, I usually assume:
C. When I jump to negative assumptions about things, I usually assume:
D. When I jump to negative assumptions about events, I usually assume:
E. My negative assumptions have the following themes or characteristics:
F. What do these negative assumptions tell me about my belief in myself?
G. What new beliefs about myself should I develop?
Step 4: Once I identify the negative assumptions I need to outline what I
can do to stop this behavior. I will answer the following questions in my
journal:
A. What is the status of my sense of self-deserving and self-love?
B. How can I grow in self-love, self-worth, and self-esteem, and believe
that I deserve good things in life?
C. What new behavior should I develop to stop my jumping to negative
assumptions?
D. In reviewing this chapter, what action could I take to stop jumping to
negative assumptions?
Step 5: If I am still jumping to negative assumptions, I will go back to
Step 1 and begin over again.
Silent Withdrawal
Is silent withdrawal an expression of anger?
By silently withdrawing into myself, isolating myself from others, I show
anger in a passive way. I am:
angry over some real or perceived offense.
incapable of venting my anger openly and prefer to remain silent.
afraid of an outburst of anger, afraid I'll be unable to stop.
stuffing my feelings to stay in control.
refusing to show them that they have "gotten" to me.
so full of anger, resentment, bitterness, and hostility that I'd rather
remain silent than overreact to the situation.
blocked in my ability to be honest with others, unable to show honest anger.
unaware of my anger and even find it offensive or surprising when someone
suggests that I am angry.
setting myself up for other forms of unhealthy anger expression.
not giving others the benefit of my feedback about their behavior, setting
the scene for a repeat performance.
giving others the power to intimidate me.
avoiding assertive behavior in letting others know how they have angered me.
piling up unresolved anger, adding to my bank account of unresolved anger,
making me more and more emotionally silent, withdrawn, and isolated.
out of touch with my true feelings, denying these feelings to others.
incapable of showing my negative side, afraid of disapproval and rejection.
What are behavioral patterns resulting from my silently withdraw anger?
When I withdraw from the open expression of anger I am setting myself up for
alternative forms of unhealthy anger expression, which are often
self-destructive. They include:
Binging and purging. This is the clearest evidence of my internal anger.
Purging violates my person and masks my raging anger. It is one way to rid
myself of anger without having to express it.
Escaping into alcohol or other drugs. I choose alcohol or another drug to
medicate my anger and calm me down. I find myself consuming these substances to
the degree to which I currently stuff or have stuffed my anger in the past.
The anger is never exhausted and I need continuous medication to silence it.
Overeating. This is a figurative and literal form of stuffing my anger down.
In an attempt to nurture myself, I treat myself to a calming friend: food.
Unfortunately my "friend" food overwhelms me by adding pound after pound. The
"jolly fat man" is often really silently anger.
Daydreaming. When I am angry at what is going on, I can withdraw into
myself; escape into my imagination through vivid daydreams. My fantasies concern
how I would like my life to be. My daydreams are of a perfect life where my
enemies are punished and I succeed.
People-pleasing behavior. I find it impossible to be honest with people when
they have angered me so I set out to please them. I either do as much as I
can for them so that they are grateful and never anger me, or I put my "happy,
good" face on so they never know how angry I am.
Entertaining behavior. Rather than confront my angry feelings honestly, I
resort to jokes, stories, quips, or any other diversion to avoid the angry
feelings and act happy. I push my anger down and away.
Pulling-in behavior. Recognizing that it is better to be invisible during
negative situations, I pull my feelings in and avoid contact with those who
anger me. I become more and more isolated from the anger stimulus. I pull my
anger deep inside.
Compulsive behavior. Excessive gambling, compulsive shopping and credit card
use, computer use, uncontrolled sexual activity alone or with others,
excessive reading or any other behavior gone out of control are external
expressions of the anger that I harbor silently within me.
Workaholism. Escaping into my work or studies is a convenient outlet with
which to avoid dealing with my anger. Because others often reward this behavior,
it is a great way to hide my angry feelings, especially if they are negative
and either unattractive or unacceptable to me.
Social isolation. Fearing that I will express my anger openly if people
provoke me, I find it better to isolate and insulate myself from society. Being
socially isolated becomes so comfortable that I choose to be a loner, a
recluse, or a hermit never running the risk of interaction with others.
Depression. This takes many forms, including lethargy and exhaustion. It is
unresolved anger. Helpers in my support network prescribe "anger work-out"
sessions as therapy for my depression and it seems to work for me.
Stubbornness. I am so determined not to let others "get" to me with their
negative attitude that I become stuck in my resolve to withhold my emotional
responses. I get so stuck that I become unable to ventilate my anger even in
role play or imagined anger work-out sessions.
Wearing masks. Rather than let my anger show, I wear a mask in front of
those who anger me. I withdraw my true feelings into myself, often permanently
hiding them behind my masks so that even I don't know what they are.
Peace at any price. I fear conflicts so that I will do anything to cover the
anger and keep the peace. Peace at any price is often my motto. I work hard
at keeping my anger and that of others hidden. Unfortunately, this often
causes problems; the very conflicts I try to avoid happen anyway, but I am
unprepared to handle them honestly and openly.
Shyness. Because I work so hard at avoiding my true feelings (especially the
negative ones) I find it painfully difficult to speak with or meet people in
groups. I get so used to not speaking that it becomes harder and harder for
me to even try.
Stress-related physical illness. Certain physical illnesses are directly
related to my inability to confront my anger the moment I feel it. These
ailments include high blood pressure, cardiac disease, ulcers, many kinds of
cancer,
gastro-intestinal diseases, headaches, muscle tension, insomnia, and many
others.
Using denial. Because I constantly want life to be happy, pleasant, and more
satisfying than it is, I often resort to denial. I deny anger or hostility
against those people who hurt, badger, or anger me. I remain unable to resolve
my discomfort because my denial blinds me to the causes of it.
Minimizing. It is so much easier to overlook or minimize the impact of
negative stimuli in my life than to confront it. However, this attitude misleads
people and clouds my priorities. My life gets out of focus and I'm unprepared
to deal with reality.
Procrastinating. Rather than confront issues that might result in negative
feelings on my part or others, I put off that which needs immediate attention.
This just worsens or exacerbates an already difficult situation and
eventually ends in deleterious results for me and others. I wind up with the
anger
plus guilt.
Controlling. I control the situations in my life to avoid the discomfort of
being angry. I like to control people and resort to intimidation and
manipulation. It isn't honest, but I think everyone will understand why I had to
do
it when things finally turn out right and we all live happily ever after which
really rarely ever happens.
What irrational thinking leads me to withdraw silently in anger?
Avoid conflict at any cost.
Keep peace at any price.
It is better to remain calm and keep the peace than be honest about my
anger.
When I am angry, someone always gets hurt, so don't hurt anyone and keep it
to myself.
No one really wants to hear how I feel about things.
I never gain by letting others know how I feel, especially negative
feelings.
I shouldn't show my anger.
Anger is a bad emotion.
It is a sin to get angry.
Put on a happy face, even if I am not.
Never let others know I am hurting.
The show must go on.
What would people think if they knew how I really felt?
It is better to protect others from my negative feelings so no one gets
hurt.
It is a waste to tell others that I am angry.
I will never accomplish a thing in sharing my angry feelings.
Getting angry always ends up getting me into a fight.
I will be punished if I show my anger.
Venting anger is a waste of time and energy.
I'd rather be a loner than get into constant fights, arguments, or
disagreements.
I've been hurt badly in the past by sharing my true feelings.
I learned the hard way to let it go, don't deal with it.
No one really wants to know how I feel.
Being silent in my reaction to anger-provoking situations is a sign of
maturity, health, and social decorum.
I'd rather see those who anger me be left high and dry. They'll get no
reaction from me when they mistreat or abuse me. It is pure revenge for me.
I'd rather spite them than let them know how they hurt me.
Keeping people happy is the best therapy in the world.
Why bother myself with the negative side of life when there is so much I
haven't experienced yet?
I'd rather be silent and strong than outspoken and weak.
It is a sign of weakness to show others my anger.
I do more harm by being honest with people; it's better to lie.
It's better to tell a white lie to keep peace and harmony in a relationship.
I should protect others from knowing my ``angry'' side.
Put up a good front. Continue on as if nothing bad has happened.
If I'm quiet long enough they will ignore me, and I'll be able to live a
happier life as a result.
What I think and feel is irrelevant and unimportant; I'll keep quiet
instead.
Nothing good comes from my speaking up; I'll be quiet in the future.
Why do I tend to silently withdraw in anger?
I usually withdraw silently when I am angered because:
as a child I was rewarded for being "seen and not heard."
I have never seen any benefit from my expressions of anger.
if I ever get angry, I would lose my self-control; I would become obnoxious
and offensive.
I don't recognize my anger.
I'm so conditioned to ignore or avoid my true feelings.
I learned early on that anger could mean abuse for me.
anger overwhelms me.
I can't win.
it feels right for me.
I get so embarrassed when I'm emotional.
I want to hide all the more later.
I'm so hurt and upset that all I can do is cry.
I refuse to let others see that they have ``gotten'' to me.
people except me to be happy and carefree.
no one would know how to handle me if I acted differently.
it is safer to keep my feelings to myself.
I don't want to deal with others' reactions.
I can't tell the truth when the truth might hurt someone.
I take responsibility for how others will react to my anger.
I protect others from the negative consequences of anger.
I'd rather exercise control.
I want to keep the peace.
I can't deal with conflict.
others might disagree with me.
no one is looking out for me but me.
I can't trust honesty.
How can I handle my silent anger and improve my life?
By assertively letting others know how I feel.
By letting others be responsible for their own reactions.
Do intensive "anger work-outs'' on each unresolved anger issue.
I need to identify the anger I have silently withheld.
Realize that it is the root of my unhealthy behavior.
Let go of the need to control others.
Take the risk to be honest with others about my true feelings.
Let go of my sense of over-responsibility.
Let those in my life be responsible for their own feelings.
Recognize that I usually end up in conflict and pain by minimizing my
feelings.
Be vulnerable with others.
Take the risk of hurt, pain, rejection, and non-approval by being assertive
when I am angered.
Recognize that this is my opportunity for personal growth and healing.
Take the risk to be honest when I am angered .
Accept others' responses to my feelings.
Learn what does and doesn't work in letting others know how I feel.
Accept that I am a "liar" when I keep my anger in.
Make a commitment to myself never to lie again.
Take back the power I give others.
Express anger with no fear of retaliation.
Identify what others do to intimidate me.
Regain power and self-control over my own feelings.
Recognize that my shyness and isolation is unhealthy.
Take the risk to join a support group.
Open up freely about the anger in my life.
Write an anger autobiography of my life.
Take each event which has angered me and do an "anger work-out" until all
anger is gone.
When I find myself pulling into silent withdrawal, tell myself "stop."
Face my anger honestly and openly.
Give permission to the support people in my life to keep me on track.
Avoid pulling away from my support group when I am angry, hurt, or
depressed.
Steps I can take to stop withdrawing when I get angry
Step 1: One step toward learning control over the unhealthy way I handle
anger is to rate the 20 behavior patterns described in What are behavioral
patterns resulting from my silently withdraw anger? according to how they
impact
my life. Rate each behavior using a scale of:
1 - no problem
2 - rarely a problem
3 - often a problem
4 - almost always a problem
5 - a daily problem for me
1 2 3 4 5 ( 1) Binging and purging
1 2 3 4 5 ( 2) Escape into alcohol or other drugs
1 2 3 4 5 ( 3) Overeating
1 2 3 4 5 ( 4) Daydreaming
1 2 3 4 5 ( 5) People-pleasing behavior
1 2 3 4 5 ( 6) Entertaining behavior
1 2 3 4 5 ( 7) Pulling-in behavior
1 2 3 4 5 ( 8) Compulsive behavior
1 2 3 4 5 ( 9) Workaholism
1 2 3 4 5 (10) Social isolation
1 2 3 4 5 (11) Depression
1 2 3 4 5 (12) Stubbornness
1 2 3 4 5 (13) Wearing masks
1 2 3 4 5 (14) Peace at any price
1 2 3 4 5 (15) Shyness
1 2 3 4 5 (16) Stress-related physical illness
1 2 3 4 5 (17) Using denial
1 2 3 4 5 (18) Minimizing
1 2 3 4 5 (19) Procrastination
1 2 3 4 5 (20) Controlling
Add up the 20 ratings. If the result is 45 or more, I am definitely bothered
by silent withdrawal when I get angry.
I need to answer the following questions in my journal to complete Step 1:
A. Which behavior patterns earned a rate of 3 or more?
B. For each of these highly rated patterns, what events led me to withhold
anger and precipitated the behavior pattern?
C. What damages do these unhealthy behavior patterns cause?
D. How could I be healthier, happier, and saner?
E. What unresolved anger is the result of my silent withdrawal? (List each
item, if possible.)
F. How successful is my anger work-out on these anger issues?
G. How can I succeed in my anger work-out sessions?
H. What irrational thinking lies at the root of my silent withdrawal?
I. What lessons did I learn in the past (old scripts) that resulted in my
pattern of stuffing my anger?
J. What are some other causes of my silent withdrawal in anger?
Step 2: Now I need to confront the fears that result in my withdrawing in
anger. To do this, I'll rate the following 20 fears according to how they impact
my anger and silent withdrawal. Circle the rating for each fear for its
impact on me:
1- never impacts my stuffing anger
2 - sometimes impacts my stuffing anger
3 - often impacts my stuffing anger
4 - always impacts my stuffing anger
1 2 3 4 ( 1) Fear of rejection
1 2 3 4 ( 2) Fear of non-approval
1 2 3 4 ( 3) Fear of conflict
1 2 3 4 ( 4) Fear of being disliked
1 2 3 4 ( 5) Fear of being abused by others
1 2 3 4 ( 6) Fear of the unknown
1 2 3 4 ( 7) Fear of speaking my feelings openly
1 2 3 4 ( 8) Fear of speaking in public
1 2 3 4 ( 9) Fear of being misunderstood
1 2 3 4 (10) Fear of not being accepted for who I am
1 2 3 4 (11) Fear of being ignored
1 2 3 4 (12) Fear of being ridiculed
1 2 3 4 (13) Fear of committing a sin
1 2 3 4 (14) Fear of loss of control
1 2 3 4 (15) Fear of being a bad person for feeling the way I
do
1 2 3 4 (16) Fear of losing control, being unable to stop
1 2 3 4 (17) Fear of going insane
1 2 3 4 (18) Fear of being punished
1 2 3 4 (19) Fear of being immature
1 2 3 4 (20) Fear of being a fool
I need to answer the following questions in my journal for each fear I rated
3 or higher:
A. How does this fear control my anger response?
B. How did I learn this fear?
C. How does this fear impact my life?
D. What efforts have I made to reduce the impact of this fear in my life?
E. What irrational thinking underlies this fear?
F. What is the worst possible thing that would happen if I ignored this
fear and expressed my anger in an open, assertive way?
G. What new behavior could I develop to overcome this fear?
H. What new self-scripts do I need to rid me of this fear?
I. How would my life change if I got rid of this fear?
J. How would I behave if I no longer had this fear?
After answering these questions for each of the fears to which I gave a 3 or
4 rating, go to Step 3.
Step 3: To overcome my silent withdrawal I now need to try each action
suggested in How can I handle my silent anger and improve my life? with each of
my fears and/or anger issues. Continue through this list and record the
results of each action as it is used with each fear/anger issue. Which actions
work
best for me? What benefits am I gaining through this work?
Step 4: If after taking each of the actions suggested I still resort to
silent withdrawal, then I need to return to Step 1 and begin again.
Lindaland
UBBFriend: Email This Page to Someone! 
posted October 26, 2005 10:25 PM
yeah his wife is a real **tch. and yeah he may say alot about her that he could care less about but I know deep down inside it hurts and with each struggle and not being done with it(her) hard for him to move on 100%. I don't think he's ready for Linda land just yet 
:: love to you all
posted October 31, 2005 04:07 PM
posted November 01, 2005 01:13 PM
